Pop Culture

Kanye West And Olivia Pope Meet Outside Of An Apple Store

kerry-washington-kanye-west-alexander-wang-fashion-show

It was a Wednesday.

Olivia needed some “time” off the grid that morning after Jake Ballard broke into her shower the night before to show her a sheet of paper. With three numbers on it. That proved that Fitz was a serial killer. Of homeless hermaphrodites. If news got out, Fitz might not get reelected. This upset her. It didn’t upset her nearly enough. She almost smiled that morning when seeing a piece of corn on an episode of Chopped that reminded her of him. But it did upset her. She also really liked how the white iPhone matched with everything she owned. So she decided to change course on her usual 22 mile morning run, allowing her to stop past the Apple store in Georgetown on the way back home.

Kanye was there already. Actually, he wasn’t technically there anymore. He was sleep outside of the store. Well, everyone thought he was sleep. No one actually checked, though. He might have been awake the whole time. He was probably awake the whole time. He’d been there since 1:37 AM, after abruptly ending his show at the Verizon Center. Midway through a rendition of “Hold My Liquor”, he ordered the music to stop, announced to the crowd that he “needed some motherfucking apples,” (His exact words: “I need SOME motherfucking apples”) and left. No one knew if Kanye ever got his apples. Or if he meant that he needed to go to the Apple store. Or why he so urgently needed some apples (or to go to the Apple store). Or if he maybe thought they sold apples at the Apple store. Perhaps, when people like Kanye go to the Apple store, they do provide apples. Who knows? Maybe he does.

Although there was a slight drizzle, and she had just run 19 miles, Olivia was somehow dry. Her skin was sparkling. Her hair was flawless. Her teeth looked like Altoids. Olivia Pope is a vampire.

As she neared the Apple store, she became distracted. By a bench. That reminded her of Fitz. She paused. Her bottom lip quivered. A harp started playing from somewhere. That damn harp. She thought she just came. Yea, she just came. She was happy she was wearing white. So happy. Oh, Fitz! Her bottom lip fell off. She picked it up, reattached it, and kept running.

Four strides later, she tripped over Kanye.

“I’m so sorry about that.” she said. She was lying. She wasn’t that sorry.

“YO, HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?” Kanye said. He was definitely awake the whole time.

“Excuse me?” Olivia said as she turned around.

“YOU JUST SAID ‘I’M SORRY, KANYE.’ HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW MY NAME WHEN I DIDN’T EVEN TELL YOU MY NAME IS KANYE WEST YET? DID FRANK OCEAN TELL YOU MY NAME IS KANYE WEST? DID YOU SOMEHOW SEE MY NAME IS KANYE WEST ON MY SHIRT?” Kanye replied.

Kanye stood up to reveal he was wearing a white t-shirt with “MY NAME IS KANYE WEST” on the chest. The letters were black. Close examination showed that each letter was actually 10,000 miniature photos of a pixelated labia. He was also wearing no pants. Like, literally, no pants. No pants. No underpants. Nothing. Just a t-shirt with his name on it. And some red Chucks.

“I never said your name, sir.” Olivia replied. “I have no idea who you are.” This was true. She knew nothing about pop culture. Her father (that bastard) taught her that music was too time-consuming. So, when she listened to it, she only listened to one song: Ted Neeley’s rendition of “Gethsemane” from Jesus Christ: Superstar. She loved that song. It reminded her of Fitz.

“ALEXANDER MCQUEEN CALLED ME SIR, ONCE.” Kanye replied. “WE WAS AT A DAIRY QUEEN IN DUBAI TWO YEARS AGO. I ORDERED A PRETZEL AND OREO BLIZZARD. THAT SHIT AINT ON NO DAIRY QUEEN MENUS. NOT EVEN IN DUBAI. CAUSE PRETZELS AND OREOS DON’T NATURALLY GO TOGETHER LIKE THAT. THAT SHIT IS OFF MENU. BUT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND ORDERED IT. I INVENTED THAT SHIT!!! ME!!! I CONJURED THAT BITCH!!! KANYE WEST!!! I OFFERED HIM SOME. HE SAID IT WAS NASTY. I WAS LIKE FINE, MORE FOR ME. A YEAR LATER I’M ON A TRAIN IN PARIS WITH ZACH GALIFIANAKIS. I LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER AND SEE A MOTHERFUCKIN PARISIAN BITCH EATING OREOS AND PRETZELS AND ICE CREAM. SHE HAD ON A BABY BLUE IVY JCREW JUMPER AND SOME JORDAN’S. I ASKED HER WHERE SHE GOT THE PRETZELS AND OREOS AND ICE CREAM FROM. SHE SAID EVERYONE IN PARIS EATS PRETZELS AND OREOS AND ICE CREAM NOW. EVERYONE!!! THAT MOTHERFUCKER ALEXANDER MCQUEEN STOLE MY IDEA!!!”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.” Olivia replied. She was sincere. She had experienced loss before. Once, when her and Fitz were playing Monopoly, she lost. He was very good at Monopoly. She could never beat him. This would make her sad. She would cry. Then he’d make her a frittata. Then they would have sex. Like, all night long. They both had great stamina. Then they’d finish eating the frittatas. So yeah, she had experienced loss before.

“Well, Mr. West. It was nice talking to you, but I have to go into the store. Be well.”

“I LOVE YOU!” Kanye replied. No one was sure if he was talking to Olivia or himself. He wasn’t even sure.

Olivia wanted to help him. She needed to help him. He was broken. A broken man. A broken man that needed her, Olivia Pope, to unbreak him. She unbroke broken men. Sometimes, she’d break men just to see if she could unbreak them. That’s what she did. That’s who she was. She handed him a business card.

“Call me if you need anything.”

Olivia went into the store. Kanye nodded his head and laid back down. He was still pantless. But it didn’t matter. He went to sleep.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Mrs. Afro Jay

    Nice. dice. splice. mice. kuku. kanye is fucking kuku. the end.

  • http://www.twitter.com/pleasefeedthedj ChaoticDiva

    *Lost, and not like the TV show*

  • iamnotakata

    Wait what?

  • h.h.h.

    PostScript:

    As the Illuminating and Illustrious Olivia proceeded to the door, King Kanye Tudda continued on his cathartic rant, he touched Her Coat. While it was done as he was gesticulating his superiority over Mr. McQueen, deep down, Kanye thought to himself, “if i could touch Her garment, i would be healed.” and lo, as he withdrew from her presence, he had a regained a moment of clarity.

    But, Ms. Pope was taken aback, and her bottom lip, quiver’d. Thrice.

    “i’m sorry Ms. Pope, ” he calmly stated, “But for the past couple years, it’s been A Gift and and Curse to give the public Volume and Volume and Volume of my Work, So y’all could feel my truth. From the time I was a College Drop-”

    at this point, he stopped. not because he was at a loss of words, but the 3 sharp claws protruding from his chest, from something behind him, left him for a loss of breath.

    and as the claws released their clutch, and Kanye Tudda fell to the ground, he gasped, “Logannnnnn….”

    a gruff voice retreated to the shadows, along with the source of the sneak attack.

    “That was a past name. I go by Huck these days.”

    -happy thanksgiving

  • helga_g

    I love Kanye. I would even say that I stan for him at times, but I am tired, he needs to go on an interview ban again. He is a creative genius yes, but he isn’t trying anymore, I feel like he is putting too much into trying to prove himself which is taking away from his musical legacy. Stop comparing yourself to the greats. Stop comparing your girl to women that have used their talents for good. Stop contradicting yourself. He used to be angry with a purpose. Now I think he is just angry for the sakes of being angry. It was so hard to listen to the rest of this interview after his bs reason for not hosting benefit concerts for the killings in Chicago.If you great be great on your own. He is losing it. His public antics are taking away from his music, and finally don’t nobody owe you ish…so stop demanding it.

    • Mrs. Afro Jay

      creative genius, in so far as what exactly? producing music or continually failing to see that he is not a talented fashion designer/conoisseur of sorts or continually failing to impress those ‘elites’ he perpetually lambasts and praises at the same damn time? I don’t see a creative genius, I see a creative artiste who feels entitled, as if he is owed, when really he OWES us, peace, quiet and just good music.

      • helga_g

        Kanye is a creative genius.

        • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

          Kanye is shooting himself in the foot at this point. No one cares about your sob stories of being a lowly millionaire outside the billionaire circle. People are out here starving and dying on the streets and he wants us to pity him because some designers are calling his fashion visions “urban”.

          Bye Kanye. You, Kim, and baby Southeast Airline are good. Y’all are want for nothing at this point in life. You can afford to give your fiancé and child more than the average person could ever dream of. Your constant efforts to equate freedom with wealth are falling on deaf ears. Art and fashion aren’t going to save anyone. No one is out here appraising Basquiat works and funneling money into inner city schools or employing those who need it.

          Kanye has a poor business acumen and a weak grasp of what it is to be financially literate. He wants to be rich in paper and not wealthy in knowledge.

          • helga_g

            Agreed! Like I said I stan for ‘Ye but this interview sickened me!! How you got time to fight for Kim in the fashion world but no time to fight for the people dying in your own dam city. His passion, efforts, and influence are being misplaced right now and I just don’t understand.

            • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

              you can say that for most celebrities tho, its easier to just expect the minimum from them. its sadder with kanye because he has the passion and influence to be so great but instead hes focused on trying to be hailed as the greatest creator of everything

          • Kinghenry2007

            you deserve an Oscar..or the equivalent of whatever they give people who speak reason. I couldn’t give a rat’s *ss about Kanye’s problems

            • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

              His problems are the equivalent to my dreams. He’s complaining about being a millionaire and I’m over here trying to figure out how I’m going to make a dollar out of 15 cents.

              • Kinghenry2007

                yeah

          • miss t-lee

            “Baby Southeast Airline”?
            This is my soul tweeting, for I am dead.

          • Mrs. Afro Jay

            Kanye just wants the accolades, the shine, the attention, fawning….. #shortmanissuesneedingconstantvalidationain’tnobodygottimeforthat.

          • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

            i get that, however what does annoy me is the people who tell him hes a musician just make music but jay z wants to be a sports agent with a 10th grade education and thats completely plausible. kanyes problem is hes trying to rationalize what he neednt, you accomplished so much in music u wanna do something else, cool, stop acting like youre doing it for us

            • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

              Difference between Jay and Ye is that Jay puts in the effort for all the non-music ish he wants to do. Kanye wants to be gifted these giant platforms by established entities instead of just going out and doing it when he has the means to do it.

              • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

                fair enough. thats the other reason kanye is hard to take seriously he keeps comparing himself to all these self made icons but at the same time crying for help

              • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

                I also am not bombarded with Jay telling me how poor and destitute he is as millionaire rapper.

              • 321mena123

                Preach! He wants to be given it simply because he is Kanye and not work for it at all. This n!gg@ is comparing himself to Shakespeare, the Medici family and saying that he is the most influential person in our generation? N!gg@ to who? Who thinks you are so influential? MISS ME WITH THAT NONSENSE!

                • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

                  therein lies the hypocrisy, he wants to be looked at as a real designer and not just a popular rapper but then all of his previous credentials come from….well, selling things because he’s a popular rapper

                  • Epsilonicus

                    But these folks do the same thing. These designers produce some really ugly things but sell bc of a brand name. To be honest most Coach, LV, etc stuff is actually kind of ugly. Which might be why I do not get fashion…

                    • afronica

                      Until Kanye can create a pattern, cut jersey on the bias and make a dress from it that fits, I don’t really care what he has to say about fashion.

                      Know your ish, is all I’m saying. Yeah, other people may get away with selling based on a name, but you profess to love fashion so much. Be ’bout it, ok?

                    • Shamira

                      I mean, he interened for a while at Fendi, i’m sure he picked up a skill or two.

                    • afronica

                      It seems like he picked up the marketing part, to be sure. But actually working in the atelier, cutting, pinning and sewing? I need receipts.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Ask that of every fashion person then, not just the folks you find annoying.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      He can do all that. Like Sham shared above, he did the internship at Fendi. e did the market research. He did everything he was told he needed to do. He sold out merch and had favorably reviewed shows.

                    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

                      it really is, but regardless they put in the work so i can respect them not giving a cosign to stan, even if it is Kanye

            • Epsilonicus

              I am not upset at the lane that Kanye is taking. He probably realizes that he CANT end childhood hunger and decides to focus on the world he feels he can push through, which is in the creative fields. To be honest, that is waaaaaaay more real and honest than most rappers who open foundations for tax purposes.

              i think he is not just railing against these entities for his own sake. If folks listen, he is railing against the corporatization of creativity.

          • Lily

            “Kanye has a poor business acumen and a weak grasp of what it is to be financially literate. He wants to be rich in paper and not wealthy in knowledge.”

            Church.

            Like somebody said upthread, I hope he’s diversifying his portfolio.

        • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          I don’t see the genius, personally. All I see is a guy using a list of celebrities, rhyming dictionary and a fill in the blanks metaphor/simile workbook. Every time I hear a Ye lyric messing up an otherwise perfectly good song, I roll my eyes so hard it hurts. He’s like the wizard of OZ throwing smoke and mirrors to make him look smart. Pay no attention to the idiot behind the curtain. He is fake smart.

      • helga_g

        and that’s your opinion which is actually quite similar to mine except our categorization of Kanye.

  • helga_g

    As kooky as this post was it makes sense…Kanye really is that homeless man on the corner who you feel bad for but are scared to interrupt their convo with themselves to give them change.

    • Mrs. Afro Jay

      girl, STOP it!!

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      i can see that, kanyes arguments are valid but even as a big fan im struggling to give a damn about his rich folk problems

      • WIP

        What is Kanye doing now?

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist
          • Epsilonicus

            I can see both sides. I see where Kanye is coming from. Folks are saying just DIY. But then I see Sway where is at bc ‘Ye got buck on his show and you cannot have that.

            • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

              he aint have to put down his clothing line lol

              • Epsilonicus

                Who? Kanye?

                • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

                  yeah,”IT AINT RALPH THO”

                  • Epsilonicus

                    That was super rude. I might have cut off the mic on him or something

            • 321mena123

              He is a nut. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!!

            • 321mena123

              My God he is a pompous little b!t3h.

              • Kema

                Mena Mena Mena… Let Kanye enjoy the feeling of clothes and fat a$$es

                • 321mena123

                  I’m tired of people defending him and trying to look so deep into his rants to pull out what they THINK he is trying to say. Just listen to what he is actually saying. He wants to be an elite. He wants to be accepted and welcomed by whites. He wants to get into fashion so that people can idolize him. He’s angry. He wants to be a billionaire since that will solve all of his problems. He wants to own everything for him, Kim, and his daughter. He wants to own things for us (even though his clothes cost an exorbitant amount of money). He’s Shakespeare and the Medici’s of our generation. GIVE ME A F&CK!$% BREAK.

                  • WIP

                    i wasn’t too throwed by what he said although he got a little animated. he seems hurt. he
                    came in the door with education, money, success, fame, acknowledged
                    talent and it sounds like the big dogs gave him no respect. (kinda
                    reminds me of the The Wire and Stringer Bell- kinda). the big dogs happen to be white but that can’t be helped. it sounds like he’s trying level jump and getting shut down. (levels in reference to the “check signing” chain.)

                    • 321mena123

                      You bring up a good point and why i feel like he thinks he is owed and doesn’t have to start at the bottom for the next step.

          • WIP

            LOL, oh.
            I’m not mad; he was feeling something in that moment.

            He must talk Kim to death.

            • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

              i feel like when he pilllow talks, Kim just be playing candy crush in her mind

          • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

            anyone else amused by seeing Sway curse, he’s like Wayne Brady in a knit cap

            • Epsilonicus

              I know!! When eh said he would turn off the mic, I could not help but laugh at him.

  • kidvideo

    I can see this “celebrity fiction” thing becoming popular…very Andy Worhol-esque.

  • Msdebbs

    Um…okay.
    I like scandal
    I like Kanye…sometimes.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      i like ice cream
      I like writing…sometimes.

      • Yoles

        i love ice cream all the time!!

  • Kinghenry2007

    his community and the world at large have far bigger problems…. *that-dude-who formerly-liked-Kanye*

  • Jay

    What the entire fuck??