Have you ever come across that woman who just seems like a perfect catch, thru and thru? She’s smart. She’s cool. She’s successful. She’s attractive.
Or so it all seems.
Thing is she’s single and nobody can figure out why. She can’t seem to find a man who can quite match her level of yokedness. Now from the outside looking in it’s pretty simple: she’s single because men are intimidated by her.
Or not.
In the realm of relationship myths, the “intimidated man” ranks up there with the 8-hour marathon sessions and zebra-looking unicorns. You see, it’s not that it doesn’t exist, its just that it really ain’t as common as you may think. And how is this so?
Simple.
It’s not that we’re all intimidated…we just don’t like you.
Egads!
Yes, it just may be you.
Since this site is about upliftment (both breast and spirit) and education, allow me to share some behaviors that don’t necessarily intimidate us men, we just really don’t care for them.
Hell, I’m trying to ensure the survival of the species here.
Panama, Wu-Tang, and 3-out-of-4 dentists are for the children.
(By the way, I do realize that some men ARE indeed intimidated. Those men are p*ssies. Thank you.)
1) the know it all
We’re glad that you’re smart and went to college, really we are. However, we usually did too. Unless we’re specifically talking about the one facet of your life you spent the last 8 years devoting your life too, it’s quite possible that we know something too. In which case, you should concede the fact that it’s possible for somebody else to know something too. We know you probably have daddy issues and have automatic defense mechanisms, however, if you keep it up, you won’t have any daughters to pass those daddy issues on to because no man wants to date a woman who’s sole purpose in life is to always be right. In short, shut the f*ck up, have a Coke, and smile. You knowing it all isn’t intimidating, its annoying. We’d much rather date a woman who knows that she doesn’t know it all, Confucius. You can go fight with the mirror.
2) the overly-independent woman
This woman is the one who cannot let any vulnerabilities show whatsoever. It’s not that she won’t let you let her be a woman, its that she must let you know that she doesn’t need you to do anything for her. Yes you’re an independent woman. Whoopty damn do. Being independent is trendy now anyway. How do I know this? Ne-yo wrote a song about it. You don’t get points for being a grown-up. Your independence isn’t intimidating, your inability to recognize that it actually does take two to tango is just annoying. Lucky for you, you’ll be doing the same ole two-step for years to come anyway. With a Solo cup in your hands while you play Uno.
3) the aggressive-yet-insecure chick
This is the woman who drives me (Panama) the most insane and who I’d like to stab with a starfish and two clownfish. Look, I realize that you were raised strong and you feel that people who don’t get you are beneath you, but the truth is, you’re probably not cute enough to be the a**hole that you are anyway. Sizing men up and dismissing them immediately and then intentionally trying to let them know that they don’t measure up to the man they should be isn’t necessarily intimidating…it’s more the kind of thing that makes us want to stab you. And stabbing you is problematic because it puts another Black man in jail which leaves one less Black man for you to meet thereby meaning more competition for you which indirectly means you’ll have the dry cooch for life. So stop it. If dude isn’t your cup of tea, leave it at that. Besides you probably give bad head anyway.
Take this knowledge and do with it what you may, but learn. And if you know women who are causing their own singleness, then share.
Sharing is caring.
Thank you and good night.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P
CURSED Ne-yo, his extra zest and tang, and his overly catchy song “Miss Independent”. That is my JOINT!!!
Anyway, I’m annoyed by overly independent women myself (1 friend comes in mind in particularly, and that broad is lonely cuz she wears this on her sleeve like a badge. Well heffa, you gon have to do everything yourself now). True story is just cause I can do it myself does not mean I want to or it ain’t nice for someone else to do it.
Chivalry is dead, but Feminism (and those who misconstrued what it really means) may have killed it. *Sigh* Let’s have a prayer circle to resurrect chivalry please.
@Luvvie, girl let me give you abig co-sign on that one.. especially the part about feminism. I dont understand how feminism turned into ” I dont need a man for sh!t” I mean I encourage everyone man and woman to be self sufficient and I think you should be a complete person when you enter in a relationship and not looking for a man to make you whole but we (myself included) do tend to go to far on the opposite end of the spectrum…
@Shay-d-lady, I dont understand how feminism turned into ” I dont need a man for sh!t”
That movement was ambushed by the Corporate Powers from the git. They didn’t want to pay an equal salary for equal work, and used the media they controlled thru ads to paint the worse view possible of them, beginning with the bra burners. It led to the defeat of the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment) of the Constitution, in 1982. It was very simple:
Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex.
Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
Section 3. This amendment shall take effect two years after the date of ratification.
Ted Kennedy reintroduced it in 2007. Heard about that? No, of course not. I hadn’t either until a few minutes ago. The corporate game is the same: keep a cheap pool of labor available and use the media as it’s tool. Those sons of byches are the same ones that have promoted the very idea on this thread via an overdose in news and our entertainment of the ‘angry black woman’, even using Michelle Obama as an example, and the “feminist is a man-hating lesbo.”
Their class warfare propaganda has been planting those subliminal seeds of destruction in our minds since most of you were kids, and it’s become our reality.
Case in point: Do I sound like a know it all for simply knowing this? Or someone with a very old message worth thinking about?
Heh-heh. Class dismissed.
@Kit (Keep It Trill), I enjoyed reading your comment and you came across as some with a very old message work thinking about:)
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
I feel like I just learned so much. And you don’t sound like a know-it-all b/c you’re not b*tchslapping me with the fact that I don’t know it.
I just got educated.
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
MESSAGE!
@Kit (Keep It Trill), Dayum… thats some ol bull right there.. and no you answered a question that I asked..but I shalll be the next time this topic comes up and I drop this info as if I knew it all along….LOL
Thanks y’all. *hug*
@Luvvie, oh and I love that song by Ne-yo…me and my husband get our full g.a.y a$$ coupledom on at the club to that joint….
@Shay-d-lady, i like the re-mix more.
@overit, The remix is hot.
@miss t-lee, aint it? I had to ask her what she doin in that caddy…
@overit, hee-hee!!!
@Shay-d-lady, you know, I hated that remix (hell the original song too) initially, but i’ve come to appreciate them…
the main bullet point here is that no matter how hard you try not to like Ne-yo, that fool makes the kind of music you just can’t deny.
if he and T-Pain did an album together the world might explode.
@Panama Jackson,
This is what a chick would say and wonder why she has no man:
“Naw, the world would implode, bc I know it all and I have a good job so I won’t be affected by the implosion and I don’t need no man to reconstruct my time space continum, bc I got my own.”
@Panama Jackson, whats the remix..is it that “shes got her own” joint with Jamie Fox? I dont know if I actually like that joint but I sing it everytime it comes on.. Ne-yo is not that great a singer but he is a great songwriter.. but you are definitely right a ms. independant/i cant believe it/buy you a drank style album by the two of them would cause the reverse of the big bang theory..LOL but i would def buy that joint as one of my 7 for 15 from the bootleg cd mane…
@shay-d-lady, yeah that’s the remix though its somehow getting billed as its own song.
just sounds too soft for a gangsta like myself.
yo’ ass wasn’t gangsta in that VSB soul train line last week….
@8th Wonder, just cuz you ain’t see the nickel doesnt mean it wasn’t there…
@Panama Jackson, I am all T-Pained out. You can’t turn on a radio without him being on somebody’s song and I just finished listening to his latest CD that I will be giving away to anybody who will take it off my hands.
the phrase “zest and tang” just about killed me…. le sigh. why does ol boy always have lipgloss on though? it hurts that his make-up game is more on point than mine
@puff, LOL his makeup game is FIERCE….
@puff,
lip gloss just be shinin’… reminds me, I need to get to Sephora tomorrow at lunch
@blackberry molasses, my sister works at sephora lmao. you KNOW i work that discount when i can. i also told her that she is not allowed to quit until she graduates college…she is a freshman.
@overit,
sooo uh… hook a sista up? you know that Nars eye shadow ain’t cheap…
@blackberry molasses, that Nars eyeshadow aint cheap lol. I’ll ask her how that would work and get back to you:)
@overit,
LOL I was totally playing… but if you CAN get me the hook up I PROMISE not to abuse it.
@puff,
Ne-yo’s lipgloss game should just make us want to step ours up. It truly is popping, indeed! I do wonder what he uses…
@Luvvie,
MAC dazzleglass….its discontinued!
@Luvvie, with all those lip curls he makes, he prob has stock in MAC lip gloss. I wish he would just stop it. Seriously, am I the only one who notices his mouth movements? It has to be a condition.
Ne-yo’s lipgloss game should just make us want to step ours up. It truly is popping, indeed! I do wonder what he uses…
probably semen
@The Champ,
LMAO!! That made me chortle
@The Champ, now i’m e-gagging. If I see Ne-Yo on TV, and think “semen gloss” I’m coming after you.
@The Champ,
Not the semen as a lipgloss. I’m in class… i had to start coughing to cover up my laughter.
@Tay,
i guess i should come out of lurking to say I KNOW YOU!
small e-world, huh, lol?
@puff,
HIS make up game? I’m confused
@Deviant,
how have you missed his extra glossy lips looking like he just took a mouthful of crisco? ninjas on tv wear make-up to look extra sexxxy for the camera, but he’s taking it to proportions mac make-up artists might not have reached, and it’s just not right.
@Luvvie, you know I’m always down for the prayer circles!
*join us tonight at the main street church of the Abrahamic condition of all the spiritual descendants of their ancestors*
i think i’m feelin the descension of a spirited ancestor…. *faints*
@overit, I will bring the tambourines, and will be the one sitting up front next to Sister O’Dell in the lime green and coral church hat that won the annual bazaar’s “Best head gear” Award (folks was jealous).
Lawd,this topic was made for sis. overit. I was having a moment..or two, this weekend as I pondered the reasons why Idris Elba’s twin has not made his way to my life.
Ok, so for 1, I am attracted to brothers who can teach me a thing or two, smart men, so I’m sure he is going to know some things I don’t and vice versa, makes for great conversation:) I don’t do that in other relationships, and never have so this does not apply.
Like Luvvie said, I can do a lot for myself, but I will not be the one to shout “I don’t need a man” from the mountaintop…unless you take the don’t out lol. I think its important to understand men and women were created to be complementary. I am not saying there are roles set in stone, every relationship is different. There are certain things a man will be able to do that I might not be able to do, at all, or as well, and vice versa.
I am definitely not the aggressive, insecure chick either.
I never understood the whole “intimidated” factor, but I have had my guy friends say I am intimidating. I don’t know why, my fists can’t be that much bigger than Luvvie’s and I’m smiling all the d*mn time. There is nothing intimidating about me, that I can see.
What the problem eyuh? I have come to the conclusion that most guys are still in the phase where they don’t WANT to see the kind of girl they want their kids callin mama. Not to toot my own horn (tooot, tooot, TOOOOOOOOOT) but I think I have a lot going for myself lol. I just don’t think its me. I really have given it thought too, and I’ve come up with some things I need to work on. For one, I never made myself available, after work I’d rush to my art classes for a straight year, then complained nobody was trying to holla lol. I realize that did not make sense-now. At the time though I really was mad like I was making myself seen.
In short, while I CAN be a hot arse mess…I think I’m a loveable hot arse mess…
@overit,
If this comment was a shoe, it’d be a pair of red stiletto boots with nike air pads on the inside, and I would wear them for days without hurting. And when I walk, it would leave glitter, sunshine and chocolate in my path.
In short, this comment was everything I ever wanted. To say I co-sign would be an understatement.
@Luvvie, you make me wanna sketch those! they sound FIERCE (say it like Jay Manuel would). Thank ya kindly though:)
@overit,
im not as eloquent as luvvie, but for real…this post is my everything. i think i want to marry it.
e-twinny twin, i e-love you and your hot arseness!! i’m a hot arse mess as well, so we are both e-genetically predisposed i guess…
why do i e-love you?? becuz you is FLY and SMART and FUNNY and just all around WONDERFUL. oh, and you can write a mean a$$ seuss poem–probably your best quality lol.
@Gem of the Ocean, girl no you didn’t just e-count the ways you love me! lmao, i love it. now if you’re name was “gee of the ocean”we might could have a situation! aww, thanks e-twinny! perhaps all those qualities are a mirror of your image? seriously, you are beautiful, smart, overall wonderful and keeper of all archaic dance moves!
*doing the waltz*
lmao @ gee of the ocean. u’s a fool e-twin! but fa real, i’ma find yo G!! he’s somewhere in the distance admiring the colorful, shininess of your hijab. singing “i-n-d-e-p-….” and knows what it means!! lol
and easy on the compliments, e-twin. you know i e-blush easily. besides, Champ’s dome is already taken up too much VSB-space so i don’t think my cranium would fit. but thanks! lol
@Gem of the Ocean, don’t worry, there’s a special corner for Champ’s dome.
e-twinny twin, i e-love you and your hot arseness!! i’m a hot arse mess as well, so we are both e-genetically predisposed i guess…
why do i e-love you?? becuz you is FLY and SMART and FUNNY and just all around WONDERFUL. oh, and you can write a mean a$$ seuss poem–probably your best quality lol.
***e-gagging myself***
@ Champie hater poo poo, you need some toast?
@Overit,
Nope Champ doesn’t take morning toast anymore (after I ruined it for him. He MAY need his muffin though)
@overit, I also want to point out that your guy friends probably find you intimidating because they know you and know that you are not accepting of bullshyt and they find that intimidating..not you personally… IMHO
@Shay-d-lady, this might be true…I just don’t know what that means though lol. Does this mean I have to wait for the kind of man I want to get it together?
@Shay-d-lady,
“and know that you are not accepting of bullshyt and they find that intimidating”
i don’t know that they’d find it initmidating so much as they’d decide that at this point in their life, they’d rather deal with a woman who they could run over and thru. its not intimidating when you know a woman won’t take your sh*t, its actually an appealing quality…in a wife. thing is, if you aint ready for a wife, you aint looking for wife qualities.
@Panama Jackson,
its not intimidating when you know a woman won’t take your sh*t, its actually an appealing quality…in a wife. thing is, if you aint ready for a wife, you aint looking for wife qualities.
**nodding head**
@The Champ,
I just had an Oprah ‘a ha’ moment with this…
@The Champ,
thing is, if you aint ready for a wife, you aint looking for wife qualities
which is why so many great women can’t find men…
@Panama Jackson, so wait are you implying that men who aren’t ready to settle down (i.e. just want to hit it) are looking for women to use/take advantage of? that conclusion seems a bit disturbing.
@Miss Patterson, if by “taking advantage of” you mean see naked more than once and generally not have to spend much time or energy on them that involves feelings…then yes.
@Miss Patterson, yeah this conclusion brings me back to square one. smh…
@Panama, that comment made me sad, yet at the same time I’m not surprised.
@Panama Jackson, you stealing my mojo Pj..this is exactly what I said when discussing a similar issue a couple of posts ago… LOL anyway I agree that her guy friends are misusing the term intimidated…
@overit,
Yeah, I’m late commenting…..
but in your case, I would say this is true. You know what they say about the best fruit being at the top of the tree – and therefore harder to reach.
@Lil’T, thanks for being my “more people” lol. I ‘preciate it. I am considering moving down a couple of branches though, its lonely at the top! lmao…
@Lil’T,
“You know what they say about the best fruit being at the top of the tree – and therefore harder to reach.”
thats why you get a ladder.
@overit,
I never understood the whole “intimidated” factor, but I have had my guy friends say I am intimidating.
are these guy friends or guys you’ve dated in the past? (or both)
@The Champ, its both, but mostly my close guy friends.
@overit,
i asked because guy friends usually don’t know how to word “you know, you’re great on paper but you’d probably be too much of a headache to deal with in a relationship” without hurting a woman’s feelings, so they’ll usually just say “intimidating”.
i’m not saying this is the case with you, but it happens
@The Champ, yeah i can see how that would suck to tell a good friend. of course im biased, but i don’t think that is the case here. they probably misused the word, but they implied it was for the reason panama mentioned.
they also seem to think i’m going to be one out of all of us to end up the best relationship lol. i hope to brown baby jesus they’re right.
@overit,
I’ve heard from my guy friends that I’m intimidating as well. But quite a few of them have told me that for some men:
intimidating = play time is over
OR
intimidating = she’s a good girl; if I hurt her I’m going to hell on an airplane
@Voiceofreason,
Hmm… thats thought-provoking. Ur name fits
@Luvvie, I heard an inaudible “My name is Luvvie and I approve this message” lol.
@Luvvie,
Thanks
@overit, mmmm, Idris Elba….*drooling* ..
@miss patterson, I knew you’d feel me:)
@Luvvie, “Let’s have a prayer circle to resurrect chivalry please.”
Yes, let’s do that.
@Luvvie,i see chivalry as a result of some she-don’t-know-no-better type mentality. as in men thinking: let me hold the door for her while i’m backwards as hell in a relationship, or let me pay for meals because her ass needs to be home with the kids.
i don’t think feminism killed chivalry. i think triflin ass fools killed chivalry.
i would choose a consistent man over the notion of being treated well in public, but that’s just me.
and for the record..Miss Independent is catchy as hell.
@Luvvie,
Chivalry isn’t dead. For those of us whose mamas (and daddies) taught us better, and have some sense, we’re just selective about with whom to be chivalrous with. It’s almost impossible to turn it off. A woman has to be really foul, unpleasant, or anything of the like, for us to consider not being chivalrous. Believe me, I’ve met some real winners and have always been the gentleman.
Interesting post. i am very curious as to what the others have to say..ill wait and comment then..
This post made me laugh… I agree with it for the most part. Yes there are plenty of chicks out there that are making 6 figures and driving luxury cars and leading a life style that many of us wish we had. These women are intimadating… but for real most of us are in or around the same middle class brackets and are dealing with men wihtin this bracket as well. So if you come across a dude that is intimadated by you he is as panama said a pu$$y or he just aint that into you. He.ll to me you are more likely to meet a ninja trying to become mr. mom and be taken care of than a man that is intimadated by you and what you got going on.
@Shay-d-lady,
“So if you come across a dude that is intimadated by you he is as panama said a pu$$y or he just aint that into you.”
in a nutshell, with an emphasis on the second part of the sentence
There are guys who are intimidated by very successful women. I talk to my friends who are lawyers and doctors who hide their professions so that guys are not intimidated by what they do. A friend of mine is a neurosurgeon, a very pretty & upbeat girl who has a very hard time meeting guys.
@Leila, i’m sure there are a few men out there who are generally intimidated by women doing better than them…however, none of the menfolks i know have ever said, “you know, i couldnt deal with a smart woman who made long dough…sh*t plus cool?? you can keep that, cuz…i need me a chick who i can outthink and outspend…them smart chicks, bruh, they just be making me feel like less of a man…”
i just dont think its as common as women want it to be. i think it’s happened to some chick one time, and she told her friends who told their friends and it turned into, “men are intimidated by smart successful women” and women ran with it as a reason they can’t find a man.
or maybe i’m being naive.
@Panama Jackson,
i just dont think its as common as women want it to be. i think it’s happened to some chick one time, and she told her friends who told their friends and it turned into, “men are intimidated by smart successful women” and women ran with it as a reason they can’t find a man.
yeah, i think its one of those situations where perception is much different than the reality.
i guess its akin to the guy who meets one unabashed gold-digger and then assumes that most women are that way
@Panama Jackson,
You would be surprised. Maybe because my perspective is that of African men mostly, it’s not that much of a fairy tale in those circles.
But I do understand your point. Then again, said men might not say that it’s not what they want (because really who wouldn’t want it) but in the everyday life, it does transpire.
Just a different perspective.
@mssula,
I can appreciate your view of African men. In their case, this phenomenon is NOT a myth. My mom recently got her PhD and my dad’s friends were joking him about how they should address the Christmas cards this year. Even their wives kinda give my mom the side-eye and were slow to congratulate her… which is why she tends not to roll with them.
At least with ‘old school’ Ghanaian men, your woman can have equal footing with you (read: two doctors) but God forbid she is ‘higher’ than you…
@blackberry molasses,
I am happy somebody understands where I am coming from.
Both my parents are doctors as well, but in very different disciplines, and my dad is more on the literary side of phDs while my mother is on the scientific side of it.
Needless to say, it was highly unusual growing up.
But I love how they made it work (through trial and error, I am sure) but they did.
But yeah, regarding the relationship between African men and women, it’s a whole other ball game.
@blackberry molasses
Interesting. I keep meeting African men and its interesting to hear about how relationships work in the different ethnicities. It seems like a whole nother world from African-American relationships. I’m learning slowly.
@blackberry molasses,
I cosign on the African men issue IT IS NOT A MYTH. The insecurity a woman wit a higher education unleashes is sad. With my dad I know all his wives and other women don’t have education levels I’m talking beyond undergrad while he is a PHD with enough other qualifications. His current wife was a high flying exec until she married and settled to run the home which really doesn’t make sense since they don’t have kids. It kinda maikes me question it….
I’m guilty of #2. I’m very independent from living on my own for a long time and taking care of myself especially financially (i had my first checking account when I was 12), but my boyfriend is cool with it most of the time. He accepts that it’s my personality.
The traits that my guy friends complain about is when women are too high maintenance and women that don’t give them support in their goals, dreams, etc…
@Leila,
“when women are too high maintenance and women that don’t give them support in their goals, dreams, etc…”
big ole co-sign right there!
@blackberry molasses, LOL I would co sign this..but having actually come across ninjas that dont think they have to work to be rappers and think that just saying Im a rapper is enough..not recording shyt, not trying to go to the studio not wanting to do no talent shows, club open mikes or shyt? I am going to say that I am only going to be supportive if you are seriously attempting to do that shyt but no I am not going to sit up and daydream about a ninja pulling into the gas station and signing you to a deal after hearing you freestyle while putting 5 on pump 10….LOL sorry I had a flashback….
@Shay-d-lady,
i was going to add the disclaimer… they should be goals and not dreams. Goals are achievable and measurable with clearly defined objectives. Dreams are…well, just that. Dreams. Nice to have, but not really going to get you anywhere.
@Shay-d-lady, lol! I should have added a disclaimer. I was referring more to guys who want to start their own businesses while working 9-5 to make ends meet until their business take off. This is more about guys who are ambitious and hard-working, not the ones who think they don’t have to put in any work. Support and believing in your partner is very important. This is also a quality that men should have as well….
“men are intimidated by me” is a crock of crap women feed themselves. It’s right up there with the one some men feed themselves “women don’t like nice guys.”
@V.E.G., the “men are intimidated by me” is more of “the men are being punks and r afraid of rejection so they dont wanna come up to me”.
And you are right about the “women dont like nice guys”. The h*ll we dont! Guys gotta stop tellin themselves that. But unfortunately, there some women who’s patterns of dating shows that they prefer the dude that would choke em than the dude the nice guy. I call those chicks “dumb as h*ll”
@Luvvie,
i would cosign on that, but i read an article on the BBC (my second bible) that said biologically, women are attracted to the quote unquote “bad boys” because they tend to be alpha males and therefore more virile. of course, this doesn’t mean that we’re not above animal instincts and can’t see past the short-term (ie the good $ex), but it does go a ways to explaining why some women seem to have a fatal attraction to seemingly no good men and bypass the “nice” ones.
@puff, and with this quote, you just validated a bunch of men’s reasons as to why they can’t find women.
they will now go sulk in tandem at a bar while they wait for some hot woman to walk by so they can all talk about what they’d do to her…except they never will…because the dude that will talk to her stepped in front of the pansies.
nothing worse than a scientific reasoning for having lazy game.
@Luvvie,
“men are being punks and r afraid of rejection so they dont wanna come up to me”…
is also a line of crap women feed themselves.
if a man is interested. he is gonna come up to you, 90 percent of the time, rejection be damned.
@V.E.G.,
Yep, cuz they know the game. They know they either have to shoot their shot or get left behind. That’s just the way it is.
@PBG,
Yup. And if they ain’t hollerin, fear is one of the last reasons why. Even the most insecure man will attempt to step to a girl he is diggin.
@V.E.G., obviously, you are not a man.
@V.E.G., fear is a b*tch some time.
@Peyso, happy founder’s day and shyt!
@V.E.G.,
I believe Kamakula and Peyso may have just evened up the score. :-p
@V.E.G., yeah i will say this, fear of rejection isn’t some fairy-tale pixie dusted being. you play your probabilities and hope for the best.
but men will not always just say “f*ck a rejection, i’m gonna get mine”…at least not a man who happens to be risk averse.
you know who will ALWAYS holler, rejection be damned?
a hood cat who has nothing to lose anyway. if your idea of success is not going to jail, you should holler at every woman you see who even remotely interests you…
@Panama Jackson, lmao @ the hood cat. Hood cats get scared too! Seriously though, while men are expected to make the first move, it can’t be easy.
@V.E.G., “if a man is interested. he is gonna come up to you, 90 percent of the time, rejection be damned.”
90%??? Umm I will say thats an overestimation. In fact, I want the fellas to chime in on this. Do you approach 90% of the women you are interested in?
@Luvvie,
I did NOT say men approach 90 percent of the women they are interested in. Reread, please. I said if a man is interested in you…9o percent of the time (or 9 times out of ten) he will holla, rejection be damned.
There is a clear difference in the two statements.
That said, men talk to women they are interested in. If they don’t approach a woman they are interested in it is either because they are not in holla mood, are in a relationship, are just out of a relationship or some variation of these. But, having 2 brothers, a host of male cousins and hella guy friends I have learned that men rarely, rarely let fear of rejection stop them from approaching a woman they want to get to know.
That is some ish women made up to make themselves and their friends feel better about not getting approached. And if a man tells a woman he never approached her cuz he was afraid of rejection, he is prolly blowin smoke up her buttocks.
@V.E.G.,
Lets see what the VSBs gotta say. If you right, you will win THIS round. :p
@Luvvie,
I stand by it. Just don’t misquote what I said. lol.
@Luvvie, Gotta co-sign V.E.G on this one!!
I’d rather have a girl tell me she’d never F***k me even if i were the last man on earth, then wonder relentlessly about the possibility.
@Luvvie, yeah, i can say with full confidence that i have not approached 90 percent of the women i’d been interested in.
then again, that was before i got my awesome. plus, time and circumstance play more into the approach than just being interested. there’s a time and place for everything…you holler when your chance for success is higher.
@V.E.G., I am going to side with you on this one.. my best guy friend is a heating and air conditioner repairman. He runs his own business and makes pretty good money. He has no kids (but 1 god daughter) and is a nice looking fellow. He is a little short around 5’8. That being said.. he dont give a damn and unless you sitting at the club looking stank if he likes what he sees he approaches you. At the club, at the grocery store, at the mall h.ell wherever… I have never known him to be intimidated. in fact how can a person be initimidated by your career and education if he has not yet met you… why would that keep you from being approached initially?
@V.E.G.,
That said, men talk to women they are interested in. If they don’t approach a woman they are interested in it is either because they are not in holla mood, are in a relationship, are just out of a relationship or some variation of these. But, having 2 brothers, a host of male cousins and hella guy friends I have learned that men rarely, rarely let fear of rejection stop them from approaching a woman they want to get to know.
That is some ish women made up to make themselves and their friends feel better about not getting approached. And if a man tells a woman he never approached her cuz he was afraid of rejection, he is prolly blowin smoke up her buttocks.
if this comment was a chick, i’d elope with it.
@The Champ,
Luvvie: 3 to 2.
@V.E.G., I think my oldest brother is all the “more people” you need. That fool is the most confident dude I know. I always try to tell him he needs to get over himself, but then he sits me down for a “why i’m so awesome” powerpoint and I have to agree to end the discussion. I mean he is pretty awesome, but lawd, when I asked him to list his shortcomings, he really did look at me like i just spoke to him in Cantonese. Women stay pressed for him, and he is my favorite brother lol.
“I mean he is pretty awesome, but lawd, when I asked him to list his shortcomings, he really did look at me like i just spoke to him in Cantonese.”
Lol sounds like the e-boo Dorian G.
“Lol sounds like the e-boo Dorian G.”
LOL!! Sounds like my Male BFF.
@V.E.G.,
to clarify, i agree with your point, but i think theres an amendment you should make so more people understand.
I did NOT say men approach 90 percent of the women they are interested in. Reread, please. I said if a man is interested in you…9o percent of the time (or 9 times out of ten) he will holla, rejection be damned.
maybe if you substitute “interested in” with “attracted to” in the first sentence, it would make sense to more people (read: “luvvie”)
@The Champ,
“maybe if you substitute “interested in” with “attracted to” in the first sentence, it would make sense to more people (read: “luvvie”)”
Reading is fundamental…
@The Champ,
Bofa u’s can hush with ur semantics play.
@V.E.G.,
I co-sign that statement. Men, in general, will approach women they are interested in. If they don’t, it means they most of the time didn’t feel like it.
He’s Not That Into You Page 33, Section 4.
(I totally made that up, but it’s true though)
@Luvvie,”Do you approach 90% of the women you are interested in?”
I will have to say no. I am not the type to approach women that I am attracted to unless she is giving a sign that she wants to be approached. I have always been this way . . . it’s not about worrying about being rejected, it’s that I have way too many male friends running around thirsty, like a dudes that approach a pack of girls at a bar and will try to talk to all of them in order of hotness. That will never be me, just not my style.
@IVR,
Luvvie asked a very different question. But your response here”:it’s not about worrying about being rejected” puts my tally at 2 (thanks sisanda!)
V.E.G. = 2; Luvvie = needs more people.
Hey, Luvs. Got a cold but gonna brave this Chicago hawk.
@V.E.G., Ummm V, IVR did not cosign your statement. Your thesis was “If a man is interested in you, 90% of the time he will approach.” How did his statement directly support urs?
“@V.E.G., Ummm V, IVR did not cosign your statement. Your thesis was “If a man is interested in you, 90% of the time he will approach.” How did his statement directly support urs?”
I guess a better phrase is “if I am interested and you give some sign of interest/approachability, I will approach you 90% of the time” . . . this eliminates the thirst factor . . . if you don’t convey some sort of interest . . . a smile . . . a glance. . .something I figure you are either a. uninterested or b. an old stank broad who I don’t wanning f-ing up my calm demeanor anyway.
@Luvvie:
This delegate goes to V.E.G.
@Luvvie, i call those girls one of my best friends! she stays talking about “i wish he would throw me up against the wall” and i told her there aint nothing wrong with that, until she expounded.
i wish she had not. needless to say, she is a masochist, and has proven to be in many other ways.
@overit,
if she is into a little rough horse play we must not judge. One of my best friends has a rape fantasy and a former friend and her ex used to do some sort of choking thing during sex. The guy – the choker – was as nerdy (on the outside) and as nice as they come. So ya never know who is into what.
Different strokes…
@V.E.G., I should have expanded. She ends up in abusive relationships. The last one she had to get a restraining order. Its not about sexual preferences and small time stuff, shawty got rocked! So sad…she’s learning though.
@overit,
Aw man.
(
*starts prayer circle for overit’s friend. and whittles a shiv overit can pass on to ole girl, just in case*
@V.E.G.,
“One of my best friends has a rape fantasy and a former friend and her ex used to do some sort of choking thing during sex. ”
All I gots to say is WOW. Rape fantasy?? The human mind I tells ya
@Luvvie,
girl yeah. People are into what they are into. When they tell you you just have to not act all horrified.
@V.E.G.,
Why would she share that with u?? Lol did you look at her sideways or just played it off? I prolly woulda FAILED the playing it off part
@V.E.G.,
Folks share all kinds of mess when they are drunk.
Actually she accidentally sent me an email meant for her boyfriend. She was teasing him up with it. I almost died. Later, over drinks she brought it up cuz she was embarrassed. lol.
@Luvvie, That was on an episode of House the other day. The couple was playing a rape fantasy and then the dude starting to die. And she was like “Did I hurt you?” I was confused for like 10 minutes.
@V.E.G., EXACTLY .. we like nice guys we dont like biatches… I mean there is a difference.. but yeah my associate is always talking about intimidating men with her masters..but chick you are an admin and drive a 18 year old car… aint no body intimidated by you…..you just stuck up…and think they SHOULD be intimidated…but in real life? you are standing around with your nose in the air like you smell something and aint nobody trying to deal with that…
@Shay-d-lady,
Exactly.
There are some chicks who are intimidating. But a man who wants to holla will get past it and try his luck.
Tangle Jig?
@Liz,
sounds like a penile malfunction to me.
@Liz, no worse than foolywang… which PBG told me sounds like pron comedy…
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
I’m digging the moniker of the day
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
In my world, almost anything can be comedy.
Really?
@Liz, so clearly you havent been reading our posts or the bylines since i’ve had that up for at least a month now.
Liz is a fairweather reader.
@Panama Jackson, LOL. whatever, i get the crib note versions sent to my inbox!
@Liz, slacker.
Great post, PeeJay.
All of this will end when women accept & let men be the simple, uncomplicated creatures they truly are. When we start playing our roles and stop trying to apply our logic to their actions (or lack thereof), then this will indeed be a more peaceful world.
Yep, this is what I truly believe.
@PBG,
clarify our role for me?
@shatani,
I don’t know exactly how to explain it. I wrote about it somewhere once before. Let me dig it up. But I will guarantee you this: I will let any and all ultra-feminist chatter pass me right on by. I have no use for it.
@PBG,
im feelin ya, PBG. i dont know how else to be…so, im always lookin to learn what other folks do.
@shatani,
I can’t speak for PBG but I can say this, there are certain roles a woman is expected, by most men – even the most liberated among them – to play. And we can do that and still be independent and strong.
They may seem outdated but they are what they are. I consider myself a feminist, I have a Masters, make a decent living, etc. etc. but I STILL think a woman should:
- let her man (her man, not her jump off) lead. Let him have the opportunity to make decisions. Now there are times when you as a woman will have to call some shots but if you are doing it most of the time and your man doesn’t have a say? Bad business.
- take care of her man (cooking or ordering take out if you don’t cook).
- do man $hit. too many women want their man to be their girlfriends but with a penis. Your man doesn’t want to hear about all the little nuances of your day at work or your dinner with your friends. Give him the 30 second answer to ‘how was work?’ If he wants to know more, he’ll ask. But spare him the little details.
@V.E.G.,
yeah but what if something was really bothering me and I needed/wanted to share it with someone close to me, who I trust (in my case, my boyfriend). Don’t ask me how I am doing if you don’t REALLY want to hear what I have to say (30 sec or 30 min version). If you can’t handle a 10 min deep talk (and honestly, this may only require a freaking NOD of the head every 27 seconds), then why would I really want you around for the long haul? Are you serious?! No thanks.
@Liz,
We (male or female) can’t start dumping on someone (male or female) because they asked us an innocent, polite question. Its one thing if you do it once cuz you actually had a bad day. But every day? Even 4 times a week. I think its selfish.
Unfortunately, most women start spilling the details without even pausing for a breath to.
We just want to vent/dump and most men are not made for venting/dumping (hell, even our girlfriends capacity to tolerate it has a shelf life too).
@V.E.G.,
I guess I assuming that since you can’t deal with more than 30 seconds of venting, then you simply can’t take venting at all. And that is just a problem for me. Like I can’t have you short fusing on me because you asked what’s wrong and when I start to tell u, you peace out. Honestly the best men are the ones who can feign deep interest vs the ones who simply aren’t “built” for it. Babies.
@Liz, ” Like I can’t have you short fusing on me because you asked what’s wrong and when I start to tell u, you peace out. ”
Yeah, but please don’t ask for a re explanation of the entire story you just broke out. I was listening, but I am waiting for something to respond to. I have had women pull the “tell me what I just said” thing . . . that never ends well.
@Liz,
like v.e.g. said, it depends on how often this occurs. if its a regular occurance, it can be a definite turn-off and/or dealbreaker because to us, it speaks of a character flaw. i’m not saying you cant ever be upset or depressed, but if it happens all the time, it becomes “damn…doesnt this chick ever have a good day???”, and noone likes a pessimist.
@Liz,
If men are naturally predisposed to NOT communicating, how long before I go off about him never asking me to tell him about my day
I don’t believe this one bit. Me and the man in my life talk at length about d*mn near everything. I think people (males and females) generally need to learn how to communicate more and better. And that people should respect oral communication… it’sit’s one of the things that differentiates people from animals. I think it’s selfish men who just want the last 30 seconds… if that woman is your life partner you should listen cause there will be a time that you will want her to do the same.
@V.E.G., I hear you. Growing up with 4 bros and being close with my dad, they had me telling them the conclusion of a story, before the details lol. To this day, when I talk to my dad or brothers, I cut straight to the chase, then give the background. I imagine most men prefer this mode of communication as well. I also would not dump on someone when they just came from work, to the point where I’d ignore their feelings, or for hours on end. I just want to tell my story lol…it won’t take but 3o minutes of your time, promise!
@overit,
Same thing in my house: my father wanted the end of the story first!
I have learned that if you let a man decompress and just chit chat for a while he will be more open to hearing about your day, lol.
But I still would leave it out what your co-worker ate for lunch (unless it is relevant to the story) or not tell the story about how your yogurt ended up missing from the fridge in the office (unless you caught the culprit and beat them down).
@ V.E.G, see I’d leave out what my co-worker ate for lunch, but girl, I don’t play when it comes to my food! There was a snack snatcher at my office once…I’ll spare you the story, but let’s just say overit the super sleuth saved the day. I’d like to share such stories with my man lol.
Seriously though, I do agree that if you let a man decompress he will be more open to hearing about my day.
“I also would not dump on someone when they just came from work, to the point where I’d ignore their feelings, or for hours on end. I just want to tell my story lol…it won’t take but 3o minutes of your time, promise!”
29 minutes is not acceptable either
@V.E.G.,
If you have 4 bad days a week, find 4 different people to dump it on, not the same poor sap all the time. But I do think if a guy cant listen to you vent for a bit once a week, then he is ridiculous. I realize some guys have the attention span of a goldfish (3 secs), but humor me and listen to me rant bout why my day was so ishtty! I don’t do it that often, so when I do, the least you can do is pay attention and nod to show you’re alive.
@Luvvie, especially if we have to deal with him sulking and being moody cause he doesn’t want to talk about it, but still expects a hug lol. We put up with bs too.
“especially if we have to deal with him sulking and being moody cause he doesn’t want to talk about it, but still expects a hug lol. We put up with bs too.”
If by hug you mean head after a hard days work, then I 100% co-sign your statement
@Luvvie,
If it’s once in a while that’s fine. But we all know the chick who does it daily. lol.
And 100% agree that you need to spread out the dumpage so you don’t wear anybody out.
@Liz,
I can only speak for myself. I don’t know how other men feel and I also realize I am an a-hole.
I may ask how was your day. I may even really be concerned about it. I may just walk in and you start talking about it. I will listen. Thing is I only have a limited capacity to engage in a one sided convo. If you don’t want comments, feedback or anything whatsoever and you just need someone to nod and go uh-huh and yeah just accept that after like the first 5 or ten minutes/seconds (depending on my mood and the person) I will tune out and just robotically nod and grunt in response just so you can have your sound board. This is not cause I’m trying to be insensitive or not care. I just realize my limitations. I can only deal with so much of someone dumping their problems on me before it starts to negatively affect my calm demeanor. To remedy this I think happy thoughts and start to suggest ways in which you should do the same. Thing is I try to avoid dumping my issues on people just so they dont feel crappy. I realize everyone works their issues out different and some poeple need to vent. I’m not one of those people and I am not built that way. Think of me what you want but this is just some of that honesty stuff some women seem to love. If you come to me with issues I will try to make you laff to get the issues off your mind. Don’t come to me if you wanna swim in the negative. Also do to my large ego I am only able to pay attention to things that dont directly involve me for a limited time. I apologize to those that it offends. The awesomeness that is me should be enough to relive any suffering.
@Deviant,
i’m 100 percent on board with about 95 percent of this post.
don’t constantly bring me negativity. i suck with negativity. like Deviant said, there’s only so long i can go listening to it.
besides, aint’ that what girlfriends are for? you all can vent and huff-and-puff for the sake of it.
me, i’m gonna try to solve your problem. you don’t like your boss?
stab him.
@Panama Jackson,
I think you both are representative of the male population.
It’s not about inability to communicate or being able to communicate for more than 30 seconds. It’s just that men process information differently. Women want to vent and often don’t want advice or an opinion. Many men are just wired to offer advice and find it hard to listen to someone drone on and on and not offer a solution.
@Panama Jackson,
thing is I dont think they want the problems to be solved they just want to vent. I have been in that situation where I offered sound solutions to a problem that was being thrust opon me and it made that person upset that I would even suggest a solution. It was as if she took pleasure in having the chance to be able to vent.
@Panama Jackson,
me, i’m gonna try to solve your problem. you don’t like your boss?
stab him.
this made me laugh!
“Also do to my large ego I am only able to pay attention to things that dont directly involve me for a limited time. I apologize to those that it offends. The awesomeness that is me should be enough to relive any suffering.”
Lol, I love this.
@Liz,
I totally agree with this.
If I have to go outside of my relationship to vent, then what on earth are we doing?
@mssula, yeah that’s bad business. next thing you know, now you’re being blamed for cheating, emotionally. we cain’t win!!
@V.E.G.,
“Give him the 30 second answer to ‘how was work?’ If he wants to know more, he’ll ask. But spare him the little details.”
(sputtering) But I’m so good at the details!
If men are naturally predisposed to NOT communicating, how long before I go off about him never asking me to tell him about my day? How long can I go giving 30 second answers and not being asked to elaborate? I can tell you that is not going to work for me. I majored in communications lol. I am the one to utilize all the forms of communication available in 2008 and I can tell you now, the verbal telegram is not how I am going to communicate. Am I the only one who thinks your man (ideally) should be your best friend too?
@overit,
me too!! see? we cain’t do it in 30 seconds! I mean we CAN but man it won’t encompass the entire story.
@Liz, it most certainly will not encompass the entire story. That would be doing the whole conversation a disservice. Can’t have that!
@overit,
I disagree (respectfully) with all this advice. Sorry Ladies
I think that you and your future partner will build whatever rapport that you will have. I think it depends on you and your partner… not any “Men don’t like this” type of rules.
@pgh muse, i figure this as well. there are general rules and specific cases. i think its important to understand the differences between men and women, but be open enough to not force your perceptions on a new thing.
@overit,
Me personally, I don’t think that men and women are that different. I don’t think that their needs in a relationship are that different either…. not saying we’re twins, but we’re not aliens to each other either.
@Liz,
My undergrad is in journalism and I write so my nature is to question/analyze/question some more. Sometimes out loud. lol. I try hard not to do that in relationships.
@V.E.G., I got my degree in Journalism too:)
@V.E.G.,
I know it’s hard to stop yourself from describing the wrinkled slacks your work nemesis wore to work. And to lay out in explicit detail how she pre-empted what was gonna be your big office power move.
But I recommend instead of telling your man:
“Sally was at work today in some wrinkled ass pants. Again. Why doesn’t she have better clothes? And can you believe that just before my presentation – I’d been working on that power point for weeks – she had a meeting with the head of marketing – you know everyone is vying for that Associate VP spot – and schmoozed her. I stood in front of the staff and gave my presentation while looking at Sally with her thick eyebrows and wrinkled pants. I just knew I had her beat. My power point was off the chain! I had animation and video and everything. Then I had to stand there and watch her get the go ahead to lead my project”
tell him this:
“Sally got promoted over me today. I am sick of this ish.”
@V.E.G.,
I agree, V. The play-by-play of the day is boring, even if you tellin ur girlfriends.
“The play-by-play of the day is boring, even if you tellin ur girlfriends.”
you need to go tell this on the mountain.
@Luvvie,
Yes but, sadly, we all know a chick who tells a story in such a way we want to break a glass and slit our wrist with the jagged piece.
I am a woman and I sometimes can’t stand listening to a woman drone on and on. I imagine it has to be especially hard for a man.
@overit,
Am I the only one who thinks your man (ideally) should be your best friend too?
that’s a good question and one i’ve always wondered about. i know we’ve discussed this here before in some way but i’m just not sure how i feel about this.
@Panama Jackson, I’m not saying he has to be your only best friend, but if you don’t think to go to your SO with good news, bad news, anything, first..or at least top 3, I think its weird. I definitely think its necessary for people to have their own friends, hobbies, independant of the union, but I’d like to think my man would be a best friend, or a reallly close friend too.
@overit,
i agree with that…i think “best friend” is misleading…theres stuff i talk about with my chicks that i guarantee my dude wont want to hear about!
i think your SO should be your primary confidant, though….like you said, the first person you want to talk to whether the news is good or bad. they arent your everything (i think thats a lot to place upon one person) but theyre your most important.
thats my single azz take on it, anyway.
@Panama Jackson,
I agree with Overit. It has to be at least one of your best friends. Or else, to me there is no point.
The definition of a s/o to me is a great friend with whom I enjoy sharing bodily fluids. The great friend bit comes prior to the sharing bodily fluids one.
So he has to be in the pantheon of best friends. Now, he’s certainly not the best friends you will talk to about your upcoming Off 5th private sale extravaganza (or you might if he’s into it), but you MUST share something that link you both other than semen.
@V.E.G.,
You spoke for me just fine.
And that thing I wrote about ended up being that I don’t even try to explain my personal views on male/female relationships to folks anymore, especially young women. The way I think and feel about about it all is not anything that can be learning in a book or clarified on a blog post. It just is what I’ve learned through my nearly 20 years of dealing with boys and men. It works for me. I’m peaceful and happy, with and without.
@PBG,
“explain my personal views on male/female relationships to folks anymore, especially young women”
I feel ya on this. It’s like you don’t want to destroy all that hope and giddy-ness they have inside of them. Besides they don’t listen anyway. lol.
@V.E.G.,
Some of us are listening. I dont have twenty years, or even ten really in terms of relationships, but I hear what your saying and for the most part I agree with you.
Keep Speaking!
*nodding* i can dig it.
@PBG, thanks homey…
ANYWAY, I was thinking about this independent chick thing the other day. I don’t go around telling men I don’t need them. On the other hand, I don’t also go around acting like I could need or use them. In general I don’t like to ever need anybody ( baggage, anyone?) but I started to wonder if this was counting against me as ‘annoying independent chick,’ when that’s not what I was purposely conveying?
Anyone who loves the NeYo song as an anthem is twisted up in the game. Basically he is saying that MOST chicks are needy simpletons who can’t do for themselves, so the chicks who do regular things like take care of themselves deserve props. NO, I say! lol. Cute songs, some nice lil music, but not sumn to be tattooing on your lower back or anything.
@Liz,
here here!
im the same way, i think.
@shatani, maybe that’s why the 2520s do so well. They’re good at default appearing to need somedamnbody. I mean, yeah I guess I could need you? But I’m cool if I’m on my own. Why is that a problem?! Do they have lessons for chicks like me? A 12 Step Needy Program?
@Liz,
it’s not about needing. Its about letting a man do what may come naturally to him – even if you can do it yourself – and being appreciative that he did it.
And not telling him how you would have done it. lol.
@V.E.G.,
and what is this, exactly? and what if it comes naturally to me too? why do men get first dibs?
@Liz,
What comes naturally depends on your man. But, for example, if your man is really into being Mr. Fix-it guy around the house, why not let him hang the shelves, even if you have your own tool kit and drill set (I do!) and wanted to do it yourself?
Or if he is a vacation planner let him plan one without taking over ever detail. Even if it wasn’t your dream vacay tell him you loved it then suggest what you can do next time.
If we let our men feel like they are doing something and aren’t just dumping bags for our emotions, they in turn open themselves up a lot more to us.
@V.E.G.,
That example really helped. I had a similar issue with my dad recently. I went to Ikea and bought myself some shelves and asked him to bring them in the house so i could put them together. He refused to let me put them together and insisted that he do it. I deferred to him cuz he is my dad, but I honestly think if that had been my man, I probably would have put up a fight about it more, or at least give him a stank attitude about it. But this wasn’t cuz I am in “I don’t need you” mode (clearly I needed him to carry them in the house!) but more because I really like putting together Ikea furniture! For me that’s half of the fun…
@V.E.G.,
If we let our men feel like they are doing something and aren’t just dumping bags for our emotions, they in turn open themselves up a lot more to us.
you’re on a roll today.
@V.E.G., I hear what you’re saying, and I agree. I guess I took your example of 30 seconds too literally lol. I also think that most men would choose a woman who shares too much, than nothing at all. At the end of the day, we are different for a reason.
@V.E.G., I don’t even think this is a man thing. Everyone has a purpose in a relationship. Granted, we can all do things ourselves (well most mature responsible adults can.) However, it is nice to feel needed and appreciated by a significant other.
I think one of the nice things about having “someone” in your life is that you can open up and trust someone enough to let them do things for you or share in things with you. That’s tough for me because I get defensive and protective of my space, time and money. When I can let someone in and open up, that says a lot. I’ve always been a pretty independent woman but it is nice not to have to do everything all the time. Let go a little ladies…
@Liz, “Cute songs, some nice lil music, but not sumn to be tattooing on your lower back or anything.”
I KNOW there is someone SOMEWHERE with the “Miss Independent” tramp stamp (I would say no offense to anyone with a lower back tattoo, but it prolly wouldn’t work. Umm…sorry?).
@Luvvie,
i love it!!! i so had to refrain from talkin about the tramp stamp (“might as well be a bullseye”) cuz i didnt want to offend.
@shatani,
lol @ the “Wedding Crashers” reference. And yes it’s a bullseye
@Liz, what I want to ask Ne-yo, is when were Black women NOT doing for self and taking care of sh**? Couldn’t that song be written a million times during Black history?
@overit, EXACTLY! If it was bout 2520 women (who I believe are history’s Faberge eggs aka the most KEPT creatures. Yes, I said it), then it could be awe-inspiring. We’ve ALWAYS “Got Our Own”
@Luvvie, who says he wasnt talkin to the 2520s?? maybe he’s lookin to have some swirly babies…
luv duv–lmao @ “faberge eggs”
and tani–great observation lol
@Luvvie, exactly. I was wondering why every time I heard that song Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth and Betty Shabazz were darting in and out of my head. I was really concerned, until it struck me. Has Ne-Yo just discovered us women are some resilient people?
@overit, it just sounds like neyo only knows gold diggers…which I guess is entirely possible, but it’s not like he’s been groupiefied for decades, and has no concept of what real regular women are like anymore.
@overit, “Has Ne-Yo just discovered us women are some resilient people?”
He probably wrote that song about a dude and replaced all gender specific pronounds (NTTIAWWT). . . I’m just saying.
@IVR,
Lol. IVR, you are prolly very right. Ne-Yo needs to come out that stuffy closet.
@overit, LOL right? Shouldn’t it be the other way around, (if you let CNN tell it)???? What if somebody wrote a Mr Independent song tombout “you take care of your kids, you pay your bills, you take out the trash” That’s what You’re SUPPOSED to do. SHEESH.
i refuse to believe men want miss independent anyway. they might like to look at her in awe for bout 5 mins, but they really wanna be needed and coddled. Big babies.
@Liz, ” i refuse to believe men want miss independent anyway. they might like to look at her in awe for bout 5 mins, but they really wanna be needed and coddled. Big babies.”
Truth-noun (pronounced Trooth): . the true or actual state of a matter: He tried to find out the truth.
That is all I have to say about that.
@Liz, I think I might be unconsciously doing this too. I don’t go around in feminazi mode. I don’t act needy either, but isn’t this only needed in relationships? If I’m WITH you, I won’t act like i don’t need you. If you approach me talking about *”shawty, what the fcuk is you?!” I might act like I don’t need you to be alive right then.
*This was an actual question posed to Overit on the streets of Richmond, VA.
@overit, haha right. i will only go into “negro I don’t NEED YOU if pressed on some BS in the first place. Otherwise, I am mindin my bia.
@Liz, I dont think the song says all of that…. I think it says what it says which is hes looking for a chick that likes him for him because she takes care of her own and is not looking to be taken care of… I think that is what both men and women are looking for nowadays…
I think part of this whole “men are intimidated by me” thing is that at one point in history, it was true. Women who were entering arenas traditionally occupied only by men and being successful in them was unsettling. It took a brave man to see that first female medical student, first female business owner, etc. as still a woman worthy of pursuit rather than an upstart. And many times she needed to come down off her high horse and let said brave man in.
But, times have changed. Women have to let go of certain attitudes and realize that its NOT a bad thing if you let a man be a man and allow him to let you be a woman. At the end of the day, men want to feel NEEDED. You tell him you don’t need him and he will go and find one who makes him feel like he is.
I ask my husband to do things that I had been doing for myself before we got together. And he knows I am perfectly capable of doing them. But he does them because that’s his role now. And I make sure to show my appreciation, because that is my role.
@blackberry molasses,
i think that some of us get a bad rap. because sometimes men just assume that i am this independent/i dont need you/etc. type woman…when in reality, although i can do it all myself, i would prefer not to.
how does one convey that? in a world where it seems like every man thinks a chick is after his money. even when he aint got no damn money?
@shatani,
LOL!! Preach.
@shatani,
“in a world where it seems like every man thinks a chick is after his money. even when he aint got no damn money?”
This baffles me. Even when you earn more than a guy you run into this.
@V.E.G., i must be one of 3 dudes who never thinks women are after my money.
mostly cuz i been broke a real long time. then again, i’ve never really dated a woman who seemed to make money a priority.
i date good chicks.
viva las vegas <—that had no purpose, i just felt like saying it.
@V.E.G.,
in a world where it seems like every man thinks a chick is after his money. even when he aint got no damn money?”
I think that this goes hand in hand with society’s messages to men as far as providing is concerned. A large portion of a man’s esteem rests on how much money he makes. He may be a little jaded in his interactions with women bcuz it’s supposed to be natural for a woman to want a man’s money (sort of).
@shatani,
i really tried to answer this. i even went to bed to try and sleep on an answer… i too am baffled by this phenomenon and how to effectively bypass it.
i will say this… those guys who constantly think women are only after their money, especially when they ain’t got none are some delusional a$$ mofos. but their delusions are probably a product of them coming into contact with those thirsty broads more often than women who actually handle business. thus their views on relationships are probably highly distorted, so you don’t want them anyway.
@blackberry molasses,
very true, BB…it just seems like an unnecessarily thin line to walk between not appearing too independent and not appearing to be searching for a sugardaddy…and even when i think im walking that line pretty well, someone’s perception could be completely contradictory.
@blackberry molasses,
“And he knows I am perfectly capable of doing them. But he does them because that’s his role now. And I make sure to show my appreciation, because that is my role”
I swear to God i almost drop a tear to this one (sniffles) but i won’t cry!!…it’s beautiful tho
@sisanda,
That is indeed beautiful.
And the sad thing is that some woman who doesn’t quite get that line of thinking would sneer or look down her nose @ BBMo’ (or me, cuz I agree 100%) for adhering to a pattern of behaviors that keeps her and her husband in sync and her marriage solid.
*sigh*
thanks girl!
sprinkles Special Edition Diva Dust ™ on PBG.
Its a matter of preserving what I value. I just went out with my friends this weekend (many of whom are on that I-can’t-find-a-good-man schtick) to help a friend of a friend get over her impending divorce (after only being married for 2 years!)
I ain’t trying to be there, so Imma do whatever it is I gotta do to keep this train moving in the right direction
“But, times have changed. Women have to let go of certain attitudes and realize that its NOT a bad thing if you let a man be a man and allow him to let you be a woman. At the end of the day, men want to feel NEEDED. You tell him you don’t need him and he will go and find one who makes him feel like he is”
This is good.
“You tell him you don’t need him and he will go and find one who makes him feel like he is”
And for real, this is what causes the majority of infidelity. Men and women seek out and recognize and experience intimacy entirely different from each other.
@PBG,
You’re right. It’s definitely a different kind of intimacy.
@blackberry molasses,
““But, times have changed. Women have to let go of certain attitudes and realize that its NOT a bad thing if you let a man be a man and allow him to let you be a woman. At the end of the day, men want to feel NEEDED. You tell him you don’t need him and he will go and find one who makes him feel like he is”
*Faith Tabernacle Baptist Episcopalian Children’s Ministry*
@Luvvie,
*cue From a Distance*
I’m new to this blog, got to say the posts have been very entertaining. I wanna chime in that while I love a woman to be independent it’s all about both sexes playing their positions. Even though it is very blurred in this day and age.
If certain expectations aren’t made on both sides it isn’t going to work.
I’ve got many female friends that are independent and are always whining that their man are a waste of space, I bet quite a few would do something if they got the chance.
@blackberry molasses,
I ask my husband to do things that I had been doing for myself before we got together. And he knows I am perfectly capable of doing them. But he does them because that’s his role now. And I make sure to show my appreciation, because that is my role.
I feel this.
ok, so i’ve been guilty of all 3. and probably 2/3 just last week. but my thing is not keeping a man around or keeping a man interested. cuz all of them are VERY into me. but i’m not into them.
so in my situation, it’s usually HIM, not me. maybe i’m too hard on some brothas, maybe i have too many standards. but should i lower them just to be accomodating?? should i let ridiculous ish go just to be like “i gots me a man now yall”??
so what is a Gem of the Ocean to do??
@Gem of the Ocean,
Send PBG your questions. She’s like the relationship Ms. Cleo. “CALL HER NOW!” hehe
@Luvvie,
Remember Lucy from the “Peanuts” comic strip?
Yeah, that’s me.
@PBG,
you charge 25 cents too??
@Luvvie,
Yes, until I get enough for 4 wings and fries from Yum’s. Then I take a break.
@Gem of the Ocean,
gemmie, i am SO totally prone to bouts of know-it-all-ism!!
never compromise your standards darling!
really, tani, it’s not like i’m on some “i know more than you cuz i am getting a phd”. cuz frankly, i am surprised anyone let me 10ft near a grad program some days–i mean, who authorized me?? but it’s more on some i’m a nerd, and i say nerdy ish all the time and always find ways to tie everyday things to science or something i’ve learned. why?? cuz i like to exercise my brain and express my knowledge. and some dudes just aren’t receptive.
*shrugs* i just like to practice for being on jeopardy one day and needing random storage of info.
is that a crime????
@Gem of the Ocean,
nah, girl…im always gettin’ my obscure fact on for the day i get on jeopardy! a sista’s head is chock full o trivia…
it doesnt happen ALL the time, but to be honest, i meet so many know-it-all men. those are the ones that bring it out in me. if its just an exchange of info, its cool. but when folks dont know ish and then wanna correct me, i get a little PA (passive aggressive) lmao! its a flaw. im not really workin on it!
as for the doctorate…girl, we right >here< im always on some, “dont be impressed” lol…i feel like such a fraud most days!
@shatani,
“i feel like such a fraud most days!”
don’t feel like a fraud… feel like a Freud!!!
okay, i’m done.
@blackberry molasses,
LMAO!!!!
@Gem of the Ocean, you know, i’ve learned that with women who i hate for being know-it-alls, its never that they know lots, thats attractive, its the fact that they never resist an opportunity to let me know that they know everything.
further, they’re usually not right all of the time but also refuse to acknowledge this by finding some way to flip their wrongness into either 1) rightness, or 2) the other person’s fault for not being perceptive enough to realize what they really meant…in order to be right.
i know a chick like this and i honestly detest this heffa. she will write a paragraph and 9 out of 10 facts will be wrong, and yet i should be able to read between the lines so that they’re all right.
there’s a point where you have to realize, its not always a competition…ESPECIALLY if nobody else realizes its a game…
not saying any of this is you, mostly cuz i dont know you like that, but thats my take…
“there’s a point where you have to realize, its not always a competition…ESPECIALLY if nobody else realizes its a game…”
this is where insecurity and projective defense mechanisms come into play… i have come across alot of people who dont feel relevant unless they’re one-upping you, but generally they dont come out like that until they feel threatened by you.
@Panama Jackson, Oh my GAWD.. PJ you said it right there..I love this post like it was Baskin& Robbins worlds famous chocolate… Thats what I be trying to tell these chicks.. my motto is I dont have to prove a dayum thing. I am smart and I know it.. I dont have to show you by using ridiculously large words to express simple sentiments, I dont have to name drop the books, or theories or create fake stats to prove my point. dont get me wrong I can be an intellectual a$$ when needed but I know when to cut that shyt off… a lot of people dont
@shay-d-lady,
I dont have to show you by using ridiculously large words to express simple sentiments, I dont have to name drop the books, or theories
What if this is the way you are… normally?
As people we do assume way too much. If that’s the person normal vocab, then s/he is not trying to impress anybody but is rather being “normal”.
@mssula,
Yes, I concur Ms.Sula. Using big words is my normal and I’m not degree’d up or anything. I’m simply a life-long logophile. And I use the words I learn all the time, even if they don’t particularly fit the “hood-speak” type convo in which I may be engaged.
Which is absolutely hilarious to me most of the time.
@mssula,
If that’s the person normal vocab, then s/he is not trying to impress anybody but is rather being “normal”.
Preach! People’s perception’s are a m*fucka… and are usually flawed.
@mssula, you know, i’m not going to knock anybody’s locutionary skills. however, if you sound like michael eric dyson, then that’s a problem. it sounds forced and it doesnt seem genuine.
and further, people can tell when you’re forcing sh*t. there’s a certain ease of speech that seems normal. however, there is also a point where you can tell folks are trying to string as many 50 dollar words as possible together as they can. and its a turn off if anybody does it. nobody speaks in solely 50 dollar words. and if you decide to do this around me, i shall cease to listen.
feel free to big league me, however, i’m awesome.
@mssula,
i often use big words in substitution for semantically equivalent ones.
@Gem of the Ocean,
No the problem with most know-it-alls is that they try to be an authority on issues that they have zero first hand knowledge on, and try to tell you about your stuff.
@Dorian G.,
bingo.
@Dorian G., hayyyy boooooo.
@Gem of the Ocean,
“but my thing is not keeping a man around or keeping a man interested. cuz all of them are VERY into me. but i’m not into them.
so in my situation, it’s usually HIM, not me.”
I have the very same issue, Gem and I think we bonded over this. lol.
I don’t think its about being hard on the brothas for me – I’ve dated ‘em all: struggling musicians to degreed and upwardly mobile. They’ve all, to a man, been hella smart and funny and really in touch with their spirituality. And (80%) have been great lovers.
I’m just waiting for that ‘ooo aaa’ butterfly feeling to pass over me. When it hits, brotha betta watch out. He will be getting cookies, mac and cheese and scalp massages every day.
@V.E.G.,
So, when I am bringing a man giant chocolate cake slices, giving him back massages and baking him moussaka I’m in love?
Dear God, say it isn’t so. I can’t be anywhere near love right now. I am not stable.
@Jen,
that is veggie’s expression of love….yours will probably be different! lol
ps. i hear moussaka is good!
@Jen,
Maybe Jen. Maybe.
@V.E.G.,
And I believe that’s where I stood for the most part.
I had great relationships with great people. Most of them good lovers, attentive friends and successfull (in their own right) beings. But those relationships were just that, relationships. At the end of the day, you’re supposed to end up with only one person so not everybody can (or should) be your mate for life.
I am happy that there are people like me who believe in the “butterfly, ooh, aah” feelings. If I was listening to my entourage, I would have been in a “good” unhappy marriage right now.
@mssula,
“If I was listening to my entourage, I would have been in a “good” unhappy marriage right now.”
Same here.
@Gem of the Ocean,
“so in my situation, it’s usually HIM, not me. maybe i’m too hard on some brothas, maybe i have too many standards. but should i lower them just to be accomodating??”
you know, when i hear about situations like this, what i think happens is that after the initial meeting of “relationship representatives” you might start to lose interest once you realize that the person is an actual human being, with flaws and sh*t.
also, this realization also makes people think “damn…if i notice his flaws, he’s probably noticing mine as well”, and the “losing interest” begins.
of course, i could be wrong…but i’m not.
@Gem:my predicament exactly.That is the million-dollar question. Surely the oh so smart vsb’ers can provide an answer…
@Rungirl.,
***see comment number 52829***
I guess this is mildly off-topic, but I think the “men are intimated” thing is much more real than eight hour sex marathons.
There is def a flip side to the first two things mentioned here.
Some women are more intelligent than most men that they meet.
Some women are more or as capable/financially stable than/as most men that they meet.
In these cases, I don’t think these women have to be obnoxious to scare men off. They just have to be themselves.
I think men, like most human beings, tend to be a bit insecure. They want to be made to feel like a man. And when she seems to know most everything you could teach her and can get most everything you could give to her for herself, that doesn’t necessarily make a man feel like more of a man. Besides, women in these positions are naturally inclined to demand more from men. When a man can’t meet these expectations, then difficulties present themselves.
And, at the end of the day, most men want something simple.
I have a number of girlfriends who fit this bill. And it just so happens that many of them also have those six figure incomes and luxury cars that Shay mentions above.
But, at the end of the day, they want to be taught and taken care of, too. Once Black women, especially, reach a certain social position, it isn’t about hubris; it’s about availability.
@Jen,
“Some women are more intelligent than most men that they meet..I think men, like most human beings, tend to be a bit insecure. They want to be made to feel like a man. And when she seems to know most everything you could teach her and can get most everything you could give to her for herself, that doesn’t necessarily make a man feel like more of a man. ”
exactly! while there are many annoying ‘know it all’ type of females, there are also insecure men who can not handle a smart female. So rather than admit that, they dismiss her as a know it all. I think sub consciously we prefer women to be humble and expect her to downplay her intelligence or accomplishments. The moment she does otherwise, she is automatically labelled ‘the femi nazi’. Yes some chicks do need to check out of life early for being so damn annoying, but some are actually smarter than most folks, and they cant help but be a ‘know it all’ because maybe…they might know it all.
@postmodern pwnage,
I think there is a difference between a smart chick and a know it all.
You can be uber intelligent and successful and proud of it and not beat people over the head of with it.
And there is a time and a place for correcting someone when they say or do something you know for a fact is incorrect.
Knowing when its appropriate and if it’s even worth it is the difference, I think, between a truly intelligent person and an annoying know it all.
There is a reason why most know it alls, male or female, have no real friends.
@V.E.G.,
I dont think I disagreed that there is a difference, but my point is some truly intelligent people will always be perceived as know it alls, because they are beyond us mortals lol. Some independent women will always be perceived as femi-nazis, even though they do not parade their independence. Why? Because we subconsiously have an idea of what a women should be, whether we choose to deny it or not, and there are men not comfortable with that. While I definitely agree with Panama, and feel that the individuals he described exist and are genuine assholes. We can not dismiss away the countless men that have a problem with intelligent and independent woman.
@postmodern pwnage,
Right! I am generally smarter than the average bear and am quite accustomed to NOT asking anybody for help because 1) I already know what to do or b) I am smart enough to figure it out quickly. That’s how smart people operate really. Not our fault! LOL. Honestly, I just need somebody who can complement me in a different area of intelligence. That’s why I don’t think I can really date a web/tech nerd. I need like a physicist or something.
@Liz, I agree, how can a female theoretical physicist not come off as a pretentious ‘know it all’ to the masses. Its the equivalent of asking stephen hawkings to sit down and be approachable to the likes of miss teen south carolina. It wont happen! Granted most people arent stephen hawkings, but there are some really smart chicks out there who do know more than us, who are true polymaths! Lets be humble, and accept it lol. Intellectuals are always ‘pretentious know it alls’ to the masses. I think most are okay with that, and thats why they always come off as assholes.
@postmodern pwnage, I agree, how can a female theoretical physicist not come off as a pretentious ‘know it all’ to the masses
while I would definitely be impressed Iwould not assume pretentiousnes.. a lot of people are intellectual snobs by choice and thats cool. I mean there is nothing wrong with highbrow conversation every now and again but when you decide to walk down that road dont get mad when it back fires.. I mean being an intellectual elitist(not directed at anyone personally) at work and at school gets you mad props.. but on the streets it gets your beds warmed by electric blankets…
@postmodern pwnage, i actually know a bunch of physicists and rocket science types….and they get on my last nerve! LOL. They DO come off as pretentious, even if they are probably good natured people. They’re not my cup of tea but they probably aren’t know it alls in their world, just in mine. The same can be applied to many different sets of apples and oranges. It’s all about perspective.
@Liz,
i am so feelin that sentiment, lizzie! thats why i couldnt date another therapy type (well, that and the fact that our kids would be effed up beyond repair! therapists should never marry each other…for the good of the species!) and would actually prefer a techy/computery type dude. i want someone around who can bring me back down to reality with some cold hard practicality. cuz sometimes a sista can get a bit esoteric!
@postmodern pwnage,
“the countless men that have a problem with intelligent and independent woman.”
I have yet to meet a real man bothered by this. Some suckas yes. Some insecure dudes. Yes. And there are a lot of those. But, honestly, who would want them?
*sigh*
And now we have officially brought social aptitude into the conversation.
I def agree that there is a time and place for correcting certain behavior. For example, I cannot remember the last time I corrected a non-antagonistic non-acquaintance without invitation. I also never correct a friend/acquaintance publicly. (Clearly, I am talking about IRL, here.)
That said, there is a strong inverse relationship between intelligence and social prowess. Folks who possess both truly deviate from the mean.
See: Barack Obama
Most very intelligent people aren’t very social, period. Those who try to bond with the masses frequently fail. Hence, the know-it-all.
Now, I’ll concede that there is that rare person who has no real concept of their own intelligence and will argue with you about things that are entirely inappropriate, considering. But God has graciously limited these folks’ numbers on the earth.
Many “know-it-alls” really are both smarter and less companionable than at least 95% of the folks in the room.
I think it is difficult for many people to consistently distinguish between these two.
@V.E.G., I am here with you VEG.. I totally agree
I have met men with genius IQ’s and members of mensa alike that were not perceived as “know it alls”. I am sorry I have never met a smart person who is intimidated by another smart person. Impressed? yes If we were talking about on the job, I could see that.. but intimidated in a social setting…its something else going on there… Im just saying
@Shay-d-lady,
thats an interesting point…i have met smart people who were impressed/in awe of other smart people…and yes, professionally intimidated (like, bring yo A game) but not socially….unless theres some insecurity afoot, i havent really seen that be an issue.
@shatani, right…as an actual genius, i’m often appreciative AND amazed at the breadth of knowledge some people have. lucky for me i’m so damn sexxy and awesome that i’m not intimidated.
i’ll just challenge them to jeopardy and call it day.
or even, “are you smarter than a 5th grader” that game is the truf.
@postmodern pwnage,
“exactly! while there are many annoying ‘know it all’ type of females, there are also insecure men who can not handle a smart female. So rather than admit that, they dismiss her as a know it all. I think sub consciously we prefer women to be humble and expect her to downplay her intelligence or accomplishments. The moment she does otherwise, she is automatically labelled ‘the femi nazi’. Yes some chicks do need to check out of life early for being so damn annoying, but some are actually smarter than most folks, and they cant help but be a ‘know it all’ because maybe…they might know it all.”
while i agree that there are some people who are just by default smarter than other people, there are those that don’t necessarily wear it on their sleeves and dismiss people so quickly who disagree with them. those are the know-it-alls i’m talking about.
i’m speaking of the individuals, and b/c this post was about women, the women who are quickly dismissive of individuals who present an idea that doesnt jibe with their own. not only that, they go out of their way to show you how smart they are IN their dismissal.
you can know everything and still be a cool cucumber. its not impossible. but if you feel a need to demonstrate at all times how much you know, in regards to anything, like you have some kind of built in superiority complex, well you are a pretentious f*ck and i cant get down with you.
I guess this is mildly off-topic, but I think the “men are intimated” thing is much more real than eight hour sex marathons.
There is def a flip side to the first two things mentioned here.
Some women are more intelligent/well-read than most men that they meet.
Some women are more or as capable/financially stable than/as most men that they meet.
In these cases, I don’t think these women have to be obnoxious to scare men off. They just have to be themselves.
I think men, like most human beings, tend to be a bit insecure. They want to be made to feel like men. And when she seems to know most everything you could teach her and can get most everything you could give to her for herself, that doesn’t necessarily make a man feel like more of a man. Besides, women in these positions are naturally inclined to demand more from men. When a man can’t meet these expectations, then difficulties present themselves.
And, at the end of the day, most men want something simple.
I have a number of girlfriends who fit this bill. And it just so happens that many of them also have those six figure incomes and luxury cars that Shay mentions above.
But, at the end of the day, they want to be taught and taken care of, too. Once Black women, especially, reach a certain social position, it isn’t about hubris; it’s about availability.
@Jen, but my problem is this.. you tend to run around in the same class… so are your friends intimidating people in the same class as they are? or are they subconciously seeking out men that are of lower status because they are looking for the upper hand in the relationship…
@Shay-d-lady,
Not as many Black males as Black females with a certain educational/income level. It is a good idea to be open to dating men with less education and/or money than you if you, by yourself, make more than the top 2% of households and you hold one or more post-graduate/doctorate-level degrees. If they weren’t so open, we’d all be calling these ladies stupid and telling them to enjoy being alone for the next fifty or sixty years.
I am sure there are women out there who seek out “lower status” men to gain the upper hand in a relationship, but no such women are among my circle of friends.
@Jen,
I dont think the disparity is that wide and I think that again this proves my point about women thinking that men should be intimidated by them and giving off this air. I mean It aint that many black women in the top 2% of the income bracket. I agree that they should be open to dating all good men and not have base income/education requirements but how open are you really being if you already feel that you based on your income and education are “smarter” than most of the people in the room….
The disparity is considerable. I am not even sure that this is debatable.
“I think that again this proves my point about women thinking that men should be intimidated by them and giving off this air.”
I definitely don’t follow. But, whatevs. And when did anybody correlate income/education with intelligence?
I think I’ve definitely presented the intelligence and stability issues as distinct.
@Jen, I am not sure what your question or your comment has to do with the point I was making. I guess this mini thread is over
It’s not off topic Jen. I’ve asked a few of my guy friends if they would marry a woman who made more than them, and after some “umms” “I means” and head scratching, they said they would, but it would not be ideal.
My question is, how much would the fact that it was not ideal, rear its head IN the relationship?
e-twin, i’m not sure it’s appropriate to discuss rearing heads in relationships–that’s personal business. let’s keep it pg-13, ok??
@Gem of the Ocean,
wrong. lol.
@Gem of the Ocean, my bad, I thought we was family and sh*t.
@Gem of the Ocean,
lmao! all that education and not a lick of sense! love it!
@overit – I am sad to say that my close circle of girlfriends have come to the conclusion that at least one of us just is not going to walk down the aisle.
I think it would come into play more than most men are willing to admit. Boys grow up hearing that men are providers. I can see how if your woman makes significantly more money than you, it would be difficult to see what it is exactly you are providing.
Also, think of the amount of control a man loses when the woman is the primary breadwinner. Lord have mercy. Men traditionally have the final say in most household decisions–most of which involve money. But, honestly, how awkward must it be to try to tell your wife she can’t spend her own d@mn money?
@Jen,
“But, honestly, how awkward must it be to try to tell your wife she can’t spend her own d@mn money?”
This is the obstacle that I think a lot of ‘independent’ women trip over: in a couple, it is not HER money. It is THEIR money.
@V.E.G., This is the obstacle that I think a lot of ‘independent’ women trip over: in a couple, it is not HER money. It is THEIR money.
I agree VEG.. I mean my husband was a little bit depressed when he got laid off from his management job.. but he shook it off and got himself together but it was up to me to help him get through that. I would have been all “ninja Im the one making the money” and throwing it in his face we might not have made it. But i stood by him, put together a fi a$$ resume and he got back in the game for the second half. I have seen a lot of women that because they make more money than their SO they think that entitles them to free reign over the money and to be able to make unilateral decsions and then when dude kicks that a$$ to the curb its because the guy was intimidated. No it was because you was on some bullshyt and no verbal abuse goes both ways, and constantly telling him that its your money, he dont run shyt, he aint doin shyt, he need to do more is not being strong..
@V.E.G.,
This is the obstacle that I think a lot of ‘independent’ women trip over: in a couple, it is not HER money. It is THEIR money.
this is another topic in itself, but i agree completely. once you’re married, it should all go into the same pot
@The Champ,
Mmm, I dont know about that. I think there should be a joint fund that is larger, but everyone need their own seperate pot to play with. Not saying the indepenent accounts should be larger, but one large pot just seems like it would cause problems.
@Dom,
cuz thats socialism!! lol
@Jen, Once again, you are spot on madame!
@Jen,
Okay but when does being the primary breadwinner come into play? That would be once you are in a relationship because technically when you first meet both of you should be the primary bread winner and at what point are you discussing how much you make with a dude you just met? I mean how is he intimidated by what you make at that point? if you are having the what kind of car you drive and how much you make convo early on you might be being dismissed because that type of convo early on might send the wrong message about you.
@Shay-d-lady,
You really do not have to discuss how much you make with a man for him to know.
For example, Jen wants her friend James to meet her friend Ashley. Jen tells James that Ashley is a great girl. They know each other from law school, and Ashley just started working at local giant law firm. Ashley doesn’t know a lot of people in town, and Jen thinks they would really get along. Jen tells Ashley that James is a great guy. They know each other from undergrad, and he is about to begin his residency at local downtown hospital. It’s his first time back in the city in seven years.
This is all quite vague, but based on this information, James knows Ashley makes three times his current income.
This is a recent real life example. It doesn’t apply to some of the issues I mentioned above because if Ashley sticks by James for the next four years, he will be making twice her salary, but you get the picture. This is how folks meet, and the sort of introductory info you get on people.
@Jen, but I know lawyers at giant lawfirms that make 35,000-40,000 the first year. So why would he assume just based on the fact that she is new to law firm that she ballin?and also if he is in a residency program knowing he will be able to match her once he finishes, why would he be intimidated? I dont see where intimidation would play in if you like I mention above you are moving in a social circle of people with similar means..which most people tend to do….and while there might be a 10 -20,000 difference within the social circle thats not enough to be intimidating…..
@Shay-d-lady,
“Jen, but I know lawyers at giant lawfirms that make 35,000-40,000 the first year.”
Whoa, now.
I don’t even know if secretaries at giant law firms are in that pay range.
Also, I already said this situation doesn’t apply to some of the issues I mentioned above. I only mentioned it because it is a recent real-life scenario wherein two strangers were able to (or should have been able to) gauge how much the other made without ever even alluding to income in conversation with me or one another.
@Jen, LOL I am in the south down here…. so of course there might be a big difference in pay becuase of the whole cost of living thing….
@Jen, def true. The same can be said for just identifying what neighborhood you live in. People do this all the time, even if a neighborhood is diverse in terms of running the spectrum, people will still form an “educated” opinion on how much you make by where you live. Is it right? Is it always accurate? No, but it happens all the time.
I think we may just have a different idea of what a “giant law firm” is.
The sorts of places I am referring to have pretty standard starting pay. You’re right about there being regional differences, but the difference isn’t typically more than about 20 – 25k among the types of firms I am referring to, and they all pay their first-year associates salaries well into the six figures.
My point is just that it is really easy to guess how much people make even if your initial interaction is limited to, say, a quick convo in line at the grocery store and the subsequent exchange of business cards.
@Jen, I think we may just have a different idea of what a “giant law firm”is..
this maybe true but the ones considered GIANT in Memphis.. start out primarily between 50-80,00 not six figures..my friend made a lesser amount due to some other issues but I was just pointing out that most assumptions are wrong.
My point is just that it is really easy to guess how much people make even if your initial interaction is limited to, say, a quick convo in line at the grocery store and the subsequent exchange of business cards.
Maybe its my life and expereince.. have never been interested in what a person makes and I also know that where you live or what you drive or the place where you work gaurantees a certain income.. i think that most people will assume if you live in a big a$$ house that you are doing pretty well but idont think they will go as far as to attempt to guess your income like a for real amount?? ?..unless you are living in a gated community of million dollar homes I doubt that. I might guess you have good credit but not your income..and to me the type of person thats looking to gauge your income from this type of info is 1 a person that can be easily fooled and 2 a person with suspect motives…also who gives out business cards in a grocery store? why wouldnt you just give him your number?
I’m sorry, but I just didn’t understand how different Memphis (maybe) is from the cities I’ve lived in my adult life. We really do seem to be speaking from two extremely different experiences, and it was inappropriate for me to assume that my experiences are universal.
It seems like you think that the sort of basic introductory conversation (small talk) that most people I know engage in and the derivative info that can be gleaned from these sorts of interactions is elitist.
I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but that is what I have gathered. And nothing is further from the truth.
My friends and I really are sweet, good-natured girls.
@Shay-d-lady,
“Jen, but I know lawyers at giant lawfirms that make 35,000-40,000 the first year.”
wow… these lawyers must work for the state gov’t or something.
@SouthernCharm, LOL naw it was a program that helped them pay back loans from lawschool. I was just saying that it happens….
@Jen,
But, honestly, how awkward must it be to try to tell your wife she can’t spend her own d@mn money
I think this depends on how the couple decides to handle finances. V.E.G. brings up a good point. If you have the its “our” money mentality, no problem. It also depends on what he is saying you can’t spend money on. Fly stilletos cannot come before the rent, even if its your money lol. I think nowadays, women are making more and are able to take care of themselves. Since most households nowadays are dual income, you might have to make sacrifices and pool the resources. I think it definitely can work. It just needs both people to make it happen.
@overit,
I certainly agree that, ideally, what you and V.E.G. are saying is 100% correct. But considering the 50% marriage failure rate, I think that it is fair to say that this is not how things are always handled in reality. Brothers know that going into things. I can see them wanting to avoid that convo.
@Jen, did you have to bring up the failure rate of marriages? That is a whole post in itself, why is the divorce rate so high?? It is sad that some women fear never getting married, while others have to work on staying married. SMH…
@overit, the divorce rate is probably high due to the fact that most people beleive the fantasy. Once you get married its happily ever after and the minute the hit a bad spot they give up. Now trust me there are a few deal breakers.. abuse, cheating, but most of the time its just because times get hard… money and money management is one of the hardeest things to get over in a relationship……plus its one thing to fight if you can go out with your friends have a drink and cool off.. .but to have fight and both yall stuck in the house cause you broke and only got enough gas for work…and now you forced to eat a cold bologna sandwhich…. that might not help you get past your anger quickly
Isn’t there an ad at the top of the page to meet married women who are dating? Could be part of the conspiracy…..
But anywho, cold bologna? at least make a grill cheese, lol!
@Shay-d-lady,
cold bologna?
If my man and I were THAT broke, we’d be eatin’ red beans and rice. lol. A bag of beans and a big a$$ bag of rice is cheaper than that processed lunch meat and a loaf of bread.
@Jen,
I discussed this problem with my best friend some while ago.
You have yout typical Type A females that will be go-getters, make a bunch of money and generally be financially really good. The problem arises when those type A females also want to be “princesses” in their relationships i.e being taken care of (financially). For that, a woman needs to find a man that makes much more money than she does or be with a man who makes about what she makes (or less) and be frustrated all the time.
My best friend is such a female. Six-figure income and very career driven. Her ex-fiance was a frustrated and insecure male. He was not making as much money as she was, and had issues with it. So, off went the psychological abuse.
Me on the other hand (being somewhat Type A) would be particularly fine with a Type B male. A man who does not necessarily see financial success as a priority and who in turns is not intimidated by all your financial gains. The trick in that case would be that the social roles would be adjusted to fit our particular couple. And I believe that is the key. Finding a mate whose perception of roles match your own. Not every man needs to be hanging shelves to feel like one, and not every woman is a great coolk.
It’s probably easy for me to wrap my brain around such a situation because I come from a family where the “traditional” roles were blurred at best nonexistent at worst. My dad is an academic read laid-back, could live with one pair of pants and a pair of birkenstock type of guy. To him, broadening one’s brain/mind is the ultimate accomplishment.
My mother on the other hand is as career-driven as they get. So my dad was the one taking care of us, when Mumsy had to go spend a year to complete this or that program. He supported her, and appreciated who she was. She recognized what was his strengths and appreciated him for who he is. They made it work the best they could.
And to me that’s the key. To quote, the Comeback Girl: you just have to find the lid to your pot. The hardest part of all this is actually knowing what type of pot one is.
@mssula:
I can cosign this whole post.
I think that our generation is going to further some major social re-engineering that actually began in our parents’ generation (possibly earlier).
1. nah…
2. i’m independent, but i don’t throw it men’s faces.
3. hell nah…aggressive is not how anyone would describe me.
I’m certain that there are women out there that meet this criteria, but there a whole gang of chicks out there who are just figuring out what they want. (You ever seen the movie Swimming with Sharks?) Anyway, that’s where I come in…I’m just figuring out what I want/need/desire in a man and more importantly in a relationship. And I’m not talking about height and cars or how long & thick it is…I’m talking about these three things: trust [if you don't have this let him go], honesty [the ability to express how they feel] and willingness [to mutually acquiesce to the things you both desire/need to make your relationship work]. Since I wasn’t born with a manual, nor did I grow up in a nuclear family household, I had to seek my advice from other trusted sources. And because I did not know to consciously seek these these things out in the past, this is why I am here today with my solo cup.
…or it could because i ain’t lightskinned-ded (i keed, i keed)
@Miss Patterson, I like your list.
@Miss Patterson,
I like your list too
Damn! It’s like I wrote that myself. Number 1 was direct to the point!
@afreshmusic,
which list? ms p’s or p’s?
I also want to point out that I have met men with this same mind frame. …. these are often brothers that claim not to date black women because they are all “gold diggers’ when really you are just a jacka$$ that thinks way more of himself than he should….
@Shay-d-lady,
this is true. some men are a-holes and ppos’s (pretentious pieces of sh*t) as well
@Shay-d-lady,
“I also want to point out that I have met men with this same mind frame. …. these are often brothers that claim not to date black women because they are all “gold diggers’ when really you are just a jacka$$ that thinks way more of himself than he should….”
guys like this give us a bad name. just b/c your lame a$$ got played 2-3 times in a row doesn’t mean all black women are gold diggers. how are you making 6 figures, but tryna date a mcdonald’s management trainee looking for a come up? ol’ t.i.whateveryoulikelookin’ boy!
@SouthernCharm,
how are you making 6 figures, but tryna date a mcdonald’s management trainee looking for a come up? ol’ t.i.whateveryoulikelookin’ boy
This made LOL for real.
@miss t-lee,
yes, i really just choked on my strawberry quick! lmao!
I think another big reason is the girl that everything is about her. Just because she knows shes hot, smart and all that jazz, everything must be about her and no one else. This will push a dude away everytime. Men need “I’m important” time too.
@J. McFly,
good point and sh*t
**excerpt from my blog**
http://my2cents-sense.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-two-pennies-independent-from-auc.html
The bottom line is, with the “I don’t need a man” (read: independent) attitude, our families will continue its downward spiral in the era of baby daddies/mamas and poor child-rearing practices. Being able to provide for yourself should be the norm, not a title that’s used to exhibit cockiness and vanity. Ladies, just remember that independent means SELF-contained, SELF-governing, SELF-sufficient, and SELF-supporting. But when taken overboard, you’ll only find yourSELF by YOURSELF.
**this Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Monk**
That was a good post.
Co-sign.
@Monk, co-sign.
@Monk,
I digs that
@Monk,
thanks monk.
@Monk,
Mmmmhmmm.
Sang it again, I don’t think they heard ya!
@Monk,
I responded to one of mssula’s comments that our generation is furthering a social re-engineering process that began in prior generations.
As Black women, we can’t have the same social expectations as white women if we all want Black husbands. We just can’t.
I think that it is important to acknowledge that fact as we deride the “independent woman”–especially if we are to point to her attitude as being the sort of thing that perpetuates single parent households. The truth of the matter is that few women want to raise their children by themselves. Women aren’t the ones who have chosen to walk away from the idea of the nuclear family.
I think that the fact that we so often do end up in these less-than-desirable situations is largely driven by the disparity in successes of Black men and women at most social/economic levels. Our men are, in many ways, more attacked in this society than our women, and it has had a real effect on our familial dynamic.
The independence that so many Black women wear as a badge of pride is largely a defense mechanism used to cope with the prospect of being alone.
When the reality is that many of us must lower/change our expectations or be alone, can we really blame Black women for celebrating a largely imposed sense of independence?
Which comes first? The chicken or the egg?
@Jen,
“This independence that so many Black women wear as a badge of pride is largely a defense mechanism used to cope with the prospect of being alone. ”
This especially resonates. We are taught at a young to be prepared to go it alone.
@overit,
That’s what I was told from age 15 on up. My mother didn’t think there would be any black men for us to marry because crack seemed to be killing everything and everybody around us back then. Then she and my father were struggling in their marriage, so she just told us “You’d better be ready to be alone out in this world…” and that stuck w/me for so many years.
@PBG, I hear you. I can remember even as a little girl thinking that was weird, that it defied how I thought things should be, especially since my dad was so amazing. I tried to internalize being self sufficient, without thinking I came up with the cure for AIDS. Balance is key…
@Jen,
The post actually mentions that many men have dropped the ball in relationships thus putting a lot of women in this type of predicament and they claim “independent” simply by default. I’m not excusing the male’s responsibility in the scenario, but women using the “independent” mantra as the defense-mechanism is only ignoring the real issue.
Intimidation, Independence, both these issues stem from one root cause, that women are violating the natural order. Anyone who watches scrubs knows that once the natural order is violated, thing then go awry.
@kamakula,
expound on this ‘natural order’… i’m curious.
@kamakula,
I LOVE Scrubs!
@kamakula,
I feel you on that natural order thing.
@kamakula,
Michelle and Barack? (my new example of a great Black male/female romantic relationship)
@pgh muse, Michelle and Barack? (my new example of a great Black male/female romantic relationship)
Michelle is the shyt son..she is smart, intelligent, and strong but doesnt feel the need to have to be the center of attention..she took a step to the side to support her man and she is humble but not apologetic about who she is..
@shay-d-lady,
Exactly. I think she’s a great example of how a woman can be strong and still be down for her man… and her man gives her the props she deserves and isn’t afraid of her strength. As a matter of fact I’m almost certain he can’t be where he is without her and he isn’t afraid to let the world know that.
A lot of good thoughts on this post. I think both men and women sit around thinking to themselves “why am i still single?” when we THINK we are ready to be in a relationship. IMO, the real reason is not intimidation, or bad attitudes or super-independance. God hears your request, and fulfills it when he knows you’re ready. I wondered for years where my “good man” was, but he wasn’t presented to me until I was ready. Not perfect, just ready. See my list:
1) Guilty. I like to talk, exchange ideas, challenge, shoot the sh*t, etc. Could easily be construed as Know-It-Allism.
2) Guilty – Now, maybe this is just me, but there is a logic behind why I bust my butt for the paper: If I was a man I wouldn’t want a needy chick. I would want someone to compliment my earnings, not just have her hand out all the time. We think that independance is attractive to men – kind of like a big booty and pretty smile. Chick-logic point 2: what better way to spend your young and single years? Financial and everyday independance is a good contingency plan on the bad days when you tell yourself you’ll be single fo-eva.
3) Guilty – I don’t even really get this one, but I’ll cop to it anyway. I’m in that kind of mood.
But really, what does it matter? I’m an a**hole (eee yo-i yole, eeee yo-i yole) – but I was able to find a man who is “time enough for me” (as the old folks say) and can put up with my crazy. I couldn’t ask for more.
@Lil’T,
I think both men and women sit around thinking to themselves “why am i still single?” when we THINK we are ready to be in a relationship.
this is a great point. i actually think that most single people who claim to want to be in a serious relationship really aren’t ready for it at all, so they subconsciously sabotage themselves so that it doesnt happen
Exaaactly. I can make a long list of things I’ve done to deny myself the relationship that I claimed I wanted. But I was also delusional about what I thought I’d be doing in a relationship. If I’d known, I would have also known I wasn’t ready for it.
@The Champ,
Jolly good point old chap.
I’m too tired today, I can’t…lol
@miss t-lee, nooo, we need your insight. Take a coffee break and report back. Thanks.
@overit,
LOL!!!! Okay I’ll tackle it.
I’m guilty of #3. I seem to take a special joy in emasculating kats that I deem unworthy of my affections. This is something else I’ve been working during my “under construction” year of 2008. I’ve taken myself out of the game to do some much needed “achilles heel” rehab…so to speak.
@miss t-lee, thanks for getting it together. Now, first of all, you used the dreaded “e” word. Which kats are you talking about? The dude at the mall who will not leave you alone and you tell him about himself? Or your man? Are they unworthy of your affections because of something they did, or for just being them? lol. Inquiring minds wanna know, besides, we’re digging deep today.
@overit, you are officially all.over.it.
*sitting back on cushy couch with popcorn and sweet tea*
@overit,
It could be either or. I’ve done it to guys who were simply trying to holla, and I’ve done it to gentlemen that I was seriously dating.
Most of them time, it was behind something they did. But, there were other times that I just felt like being ugly to someone for no reason, and most of the time they took the brunt.
Was I wrong? Completely. As they say hindsight is 20/20.
@miss t-lee, well, at least you’re being honest with yourself and addressing it. That’s more than most people ever do. I commend you.
Especially since I don’t know you and was never a victim of the emasculation you talked about!
@ListenToLeon,
Thanks….lol
@miss t-lee, you are right, hindsight is 20/20. Was it displaced anger? Was there someone who deserved the anger, but your SO got it? Its great that you’re bring honest with yourself and realizing that you do that, and how it might negatively affect relationships.
I’m doing the same thing, I’m making a list of things I think I can work on. Looking inward is never a bad look:)
@overit,
Yes…definitely displaced anger and lots of projection.
I don’t think it was anger at one person in particular who deserved it, more like anger at certain situations that you can’t change so you project it on that person, or you tend to blame them for the situation.
You’re right– looking inward in never a bad look, good luck on your journey to you.
@miss t-lee,
“I seem to take a special joy in emasculating kats that I deem unworthy of my affections.”
Cold-blooded, Miss T. But glad you working on it.
@Luvvie, thanks miss Luvvie.
@miss t-lee, wow… not emasculate? how so? give an example. it’s slow around here today. lol
@SouthernCharm,
I’ll let one of my favorite David Banner songs do the job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxAvxr_zaaY
Panama, if this were a speech, I would have to stand up and do one of those slow-claps like in the movies. THAT’S how well-written this was!
I used to have a girlfriend who was Miss Independent. On Steroids. Plus she gave mediocre head…sparingly, at that. Between her attitude and my dry d**k, I had to leave.
Women like number 3 are the reason why I ONLY seriously approach women whom I’m 100% drawn to, physically.
Unless I’m drunk…then I tend to holler for sport from time to time…but that’s neither here nor there…
My point is, I’m not going to waste time talking to someone who is merely cute (or cause the bar is closing in 10 minutes) for two reasons:
1.) I probably won’t bring my A game, because the excitement isn’t there. This lack of energy will show, and make me less desireable to her in turn
2.) More importantly, it’s not worth the trouble of potentially having someone whose appearance is a somewhat off try to take me out of my happy place.
Just some thoughts from your friendly neighborhood jack@ss named Leon
@ListenToLeon,
thanks and sh*t, leon
Unless I’m drunk…then I tend to holler for sport from time to time…but that’s neither here nor there…
Lol – I think this may be the cause of, like, 55% of stank faced women in the club. We know when y’all are just “practice pimpin’!”
@ListenToLeon, yes thank you….i’ll make sure to give this speech on U Street somewhere and see if the local crackheads agree as well. if they do, maybe we can get a quorum and have it placed in the National Archives. lol..
or not.
My pet peeve’s
1. Oblivious Ho3 (I mean to say sexually liberated woman that doesn’t realize she’s a ho3 Sexually liberated woman).
2. Full of Sh!t Woman. I also don’t like the one that are full of it thinking you are too stupid to realize she’s full of it.
3. Unrepentant cheaters.
Case Study 1.:
Had a young lady I was digging for a while (10 years off and on) (So in reference to an earlier post men will wait forever as long as you’re still hitable)… She said she wasn’t going to let me hit because she was in love with some dude that she’s been with for 3 years. Well in my many conversations with her while I was still trying to get it she inadverdantly tells me she slept with another cat that was married. (Love? Word?) She also tells me she got pregnant by this other cat and never told her man because he made her mad. But that’s not the best part. She told me at first it was a one time thing. She then tells me later on that it was actually a 3 month thing and she got pregnant twice!
So I was like look her b!cth I went to college too. See Panama’s #1. I ain’t stupid if you ain’t want me to hit just say it. Don’t tell me no because you don’t want to cheat but you a cheater. So basically you are full of sh!t but don’t think I realize you full of sh!t. Then finally she is like you can hit but it will have to be after a certain date. So I was like dang why that day. I thought she was getting her tube’s tied or something, which would have made for a better sex session for myself.
But no it was because that is their anniversary (WTF?) Then she was telling me what I thought about her giving him a gift with her in a thong on a motorcycle for a gift.
So I decided that we should go back to being distant friends. She fills three of the criteria for pet peeves.
1. An Unrepentant cheater.
2. Full of Sh!t
3. And an Oblivious ho3 (sexually liberated woman).
@Wood,
ummm…why have you decided to stay friends with this trollop? if what you say is true, she’s basically the character kerry washington played in “i think i love my wife” (read: “the devil”)
@The Champ, i was wondering the same thing…
I understand you guy’s sentiment. And the old Wood would have, but as my friend the SouthernCharm has so eloquently put it. “You don’t burn bridges”. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to go play bridge with the chick, and go on long walks in the park. But you never know she may turn her life around and be able to serve me in some capacity one day. (And not like that).
@Wood,
“But you never know she may turn her life around and be able to serve me in some capacity one day. (And not like that).”
I’m with you here Wood. Even though she may be triflin’, what’s the point of dissolving the friendship in a nasty way? Of course you can really tell her how f*cked up she is on so many levels, but what purpose will that serve? Just keep her at a distant and it’s all gravy.
@The Champ,
If she looked as good as Kerry Washington I wouldn’t be on here posting. I’ll be over there layed up hoping her dude doesn’t come through an put the murk game down on me.
@Wood,
“If she looked as good as Kerry Washington I wouldn’t be on here posting. I’ll be over there layed up hoping her dude doesn’t come through an put the murk game down on me.”
You a mess for this
@V.E.G.,
I’m just keeping it real.
“When keeping it real goes wrong”
@Wood,
I would advise you to lose this chick’s phone number and forget her email address…
@V.E.G.,
Can’t burn brides. But I did loose all feelings for her. She can just serve purposes one day.
@Wood,
wow… this chick sounds like a habitual line stepper.
@SouthernCharm,
On some real Charlie Murphy Hollywood Story type stuff.
“Can’t believe I was about to loose my life over a frank!”
@Wood, I don’t even know you…but you can do better, s**t!
She sounds like trouble. An STD and/or episode of Maury Povitch waiting to happen.
@ListenToLeon,
Maury would be saying you are not the father!!!
And let me clear something up.
I wasn’t trying to wife the chick. I just knew the friendship was over and I was trying to find me a late night creep partner.
@Wood,
This chick’s actions does not just mean she’s bad in relationships, but the chick just seems to make bad decisions. She is THE PITS!
@Luvvie,
You ain’t lying. Especially the decision not to have sex with me. Just terrible decisions.
@Wood,
Hahahahahahaha!!!!
@Wood,
I’m sorry, my brother, but all y’all trifling.
@Jen,
who is “all y’all?”
@SouthernCharm,
Everybody mentioned in that whole ugly comment!!!!
@Jen,
My sentiments exactly. I was *smh* while reading the whole post.
On a totally unrelated note…
I spotted a black squirrel running around the rubble of the now demolished Temple Courts housing project on North Capitol Street. I immediately text’d Luvvie because I knew she’d want to know right away.
@PBG, gurrl – we got all kinds of black squirrels where I work! And have you seen the gangsta deer? (seriously, why are they traveling in packs of like, 10?)
@Lil’T, the gangsta deer are on some other shyt!!!! The other day I was driving home at like 11 pm, and THREE deer shot out of the forest onto the road like something was chasing them. In fact, I’m sure something was chasing them. It is not a game up in these woods.
@overit,
It probably was black squirrel chasing them. They must’ve got caught slippin’ on his block.
@overit, here’s my PSA to the VSB fam:
It is deer mating season. Be on the lookout for eyeshine during dark hours (looks kind of like a bike reflector on the side of the road). Deer are most active at dawn and dusk. Bring your rifle….. (I jest!)
The more you know….
@Lil’T,
The black squirrels and gangsta deer are like the Bloods & Crips of the DC Metro Area.
Stop it! because I coulda swore I saw one of them deer making funny signs with its hoof…
@PBG,
I just wrote bout Hood ass city pidgeons on my blog. Them sh*ts are GANGSTA!!
@Luvvie,
Dayum! Ya’ll pigeons ride the train w/you?? Hmph…Metro ain’t havin’ that shyt.
@PBG, The red line would handle that real quick lmao.
@PBG,
Gurl these Chitown pidgeons r sumthin else. Them sh*ts be standing on the train platforms. I b like “ummm cant you just fly wherever you going??” Lazy bastards. They aint even pay they fare!!
@PBG, LilT, overit, and Luvvie, you all need to chip in and buy me a new Hot Green tea.
this whole thread right here had me imagining deer wearing red and blue bandanas and black squirrel bosses slinging rock and back slapping ho3s.
out of control
LOL
@Intellectual Hedonist,
I’m just sayin’, IH. It’s hard out here w/these woodland creatures.
I cosign Champ’s statement. she sounds like a bona fide hussy.
this post made me laugh. it was on point. like many of my fellow vsb readers, i too have a friend (who shall remain nameless) that fits all three of these points. sometimes (actually many a time) i do question my friendship with her. she is ridiculously obnoxious; always putting other people down, always putting herself on a pedastal. you would think she be freakin oprah from how she describes herself. she’s so independent, she has a great job, she doesn’t need anyone to help her. she refers to her vajayjay as “the pleasure chest”. needless to say, shes just feeling herself a little too much. she’s had many relationships with men that have gone awry… and her excuse always is “he didn’t have his ish together.” i’ve known a lot of these guys, and they were decent. the fact is, she is one of those people that is difficult to be around. it takes work to be in her presence. people don’t want to work if they arent getting paid, and all she’ll pay a dude is her bad attitude… that is why she is single and will be like that for a while… the eternal bachelorette.
“that is why she is single and will be like that for a while… the eternal bachelorette.”
and let the church say, yay-men.
Yay-men.
@Panama Jackson,
yay-men & holla-llujah holla back
this chick’s life sounds like one long vajayjay monologue.
Now, now – are we all so perfect that we can be happy that someone who is arguably fcked up is alone? Ok, yes, she sounds a little toxic. But she also sounds like she is “under construction.” I don’t know this chick, but I’ll venture that if she is bright she already knows she has some stuff to work on, and one day she’ll get it together. Until then just don’t let her get any of that hateration you.
@Lil’T,
“I’ll venture that if she is bright she already knows she has some stuff to work on”
sheeeeyat. You’d be surprised how many people are not aware of their own issues/flaws.
A lot of people spend a little too much time basking in their own sunshine.
@V.E.G., ahhh yes, I do agree with you there. But I don’t generally give up on folks. Even those who bask in their own sunshine think something is wrong when they bask alone for too long.
@V.E.G.,
“A lot of people spend a little too much time basking in their own sunshine.”
I do concur with this statement. There are too many folk walking around proclaiming themselves the best thing known to man since white rice.
@V.E.G., sheeeeyat. You’d be surprised how many people are not aware of their own issues/flaws.
Girl say it again.. I know I got problems.. but I have met some chicks who thinks that the only problem they have is being guilty of not adhering to her standards….uh yeah
@Lil’T, the chick described above sounds like she has the potential to be a great catch. she just exemplifies to a tee the characteristics of today’s topic. blaming others for your own flaws is not a good look. let’s just hope she doesn’t realize this when she’s 40+.
@SouthernCharm,
to answer everyone’s questions:
if she lost the “im better than you” attitude, she would be a good catch. she’s pretty and eloquent. on the flip side, she’s just a hater. she never has anything nice to say about anyone… at all. she truly doesn’t realize her faults. i typically am not a person to give up on others either; my friends call me the softy of our bunch. if im expressing my frustrations with her, it’s because this chick has got some issues she needs to work out.
a few examples:
1. i’m sure all the ladies would agree with me when i say that it is imperative that girlfriends support each other. we should lift one another up. i don’t need you to tell me i have a zit on my face or tell me i look like i have the beginnings of a spider vein on my back thigh. trust me, i know this already. i don’t tell you you look like you could drop a good 30 lbs… pull back from the dinner table. that’s just not right.
2. a mutual friend of ours is having her first child. we are all excited, because this is the first child of the bunch (we are all young; ranging from ages 22-25). she has intentionally stopped talking to her because she is jealous of the attention our pregnant friend is getting. she gets angry when we talk about her being pregnant, when we purchase things for her and the baby, anything like that.
Problematic, dont cha think?? Cuz i definitely do.
@laylah, she sounds toxic. God can still work with her. I think you should love her from a distance (like my ole girl Bette), though. Hateration is contagious!
@laylah,
#1 would get her highly sh*tted on so that she would be knocked down a peg and learn some humility.
but #2? Straight CAUSTIC behavior. That is grounds for abandonment of friendship.
I agree with Lil’T. Pray for her, but limit your interaction with her. Her present attitude won’t do you or your sisterfriends a lick of good…
@laylah,
Sometimes you can be too nice. I’m not saying hurt her feelings, but a good loving thump might do her some good.
N!gga Approach:
Say hey b!tch you trippin’. Don’t nobody got time for you bitter a$$. The only reason you acting like this is because you insecure and yo’ a$$ need to straighten up before you be on your own. Me and bomquesha been talkin’ about leaving ya’ a$$ behind for a while.
Senisble approach:
Hey girl. You know I love your right (how people set you up on a talk show). But there are some things going on in our friendship that I really need to speak on.
1. You are beautiful girl, but that doesn’t give you a reason to ish on everyone else. You are just going to push everyone away and been pretty, lonely girl.
2. Nobody denies your independence, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a helpmate. Non of us need anyone but God. But we would all like to have someone down for us. Someone we can be submissive to and that will be submissive to us.
3. And leave Bomquesha and her seed alone. Everyone needs help when they having a baby. When you have yours we’ll be there for you.
Then douse her with holy water watch the steam rise off then you all go on with your merry lives.
If that doesn’t work you rinse and repeat.
@Lil’T,
But she also sounds like she is “under construction.”
I will say AMEN and Hallelujah to this…
She would only be considered “under construction” if she’s actually working on herself.
Doesn’t sound like this chick is doing that.
@Lil’T, i’m never happy for anybody’s lonesomeness. i do think that when folks essentially screw themselves, the karma police come with that paddywagon and start throwing folks in jail.
my yay-men was the fact that there’s truth in the reasoning why she’s alone.
but i shall send some love power in her direction.
*sending*
talkin’ ’bout that love power…
@laylah, I’ve got a friend that sounds exactly like that! She has no problem getting guys to be attracted to her but after a few dates they just step off once they get to know her. The worst thing is that she doesn’t see it, she’s even said to me that she’s low maintenance.
I think Panama’s post was so on point today. It’s not ALL about letting a man be a man or not being true to yourself and your intelligence. Every person, regardless of intelligence, should be humble enough to check themselves often. Yes, there are men who are intimidated by women. Yes, they suck…you don’t wanna date them anyway. These fools do not explain the countless numbers of good black single women out here. Some of these good black single women need to check themselves and ask, am I am know-it-all? Could I be so focused on being independent that I am sending out a red flag? Don’t be so caught up in intelligence and accomplishments that you can’t humble yourself and make improvements.
@The Queen,
I think Panama’s post was so on point today.
well, golly gee thanks ma’am. hi-five.
and i agree..some of these chicks have more (red) flags than the UN.
This is such an interesting post… hmmmm…
For my contribution I will just have to say that I think the term feminist has gotten a bad rap. I don’t think that being a feminist has anything to do with hating men. I honestly think that more women NEED to be feminist and stop hating themselves. But with all that said people are people. 1, 2, and 3 are all examples of a$$holish behavior that can be genderless. Anyone in a relationship likes to feel needed and appreciated, otherwise the ultra-independant woman or the male brute could just be in a relationship by his/or herself . A man who is a bread winner gets permission to beat on his chest and live in a captain save a h* fantasy and it’s socially acceptable or expected that his woman kneel down and stroke his ego for him having a job. The work that women do has been undervalued and/or not been assigned a monetay value since forever and men couldn’t do what they do and or accomplish what they’ve accomplished if there weren’t women here to do the work that women traditionally do. The irony of this is that if a woman has a good income and expects her ego to be stroked for it she’s emasculating – that’s not fair. In my honest opinion I think that people should examine potential partners for who the person is and stop labeling and or assigning roles based on gender. I think that’s dangerous. All men aren’t Mr. Fixit, and all women aren’t dumb and weak.
@pgh muse,
“In my honest opinion I think that people should examine potential partners for who the person is and stop labeling and or assigning roles based on gender. I think that’s dangerous. All men aren’t Mr. Fixit, and all women aren’t dumb and weak.”
I agree with you. I think we are using generalizations to make our points clear. But, bottom line, is that at some point a woman has to let a man (her man) do the things that for him, encompass ‘taking care of her’. Whatever that may be for him. She may not need him to do it. And letting him do it doesn’t make her dumb or weak. On the contrary, it makes her smarter than most women who haven’t learned this lesson yet.
@V.E.G.,
I agree. I have to admit that I had to learn this too. But I think love makes both men and women throw all the “rule” books out the window.
@V.E.G.,
Exactly! Letting a man be a man is SO undervalued in todays society of super-fems and metro sexuals. Im sure there are plenty of things my grandma could do alone but she lets my grandpa do it just because he’s a man. Same thing with him for her. Its a give and take.
@Dom,
Letting a man be a man
But who defines what this is? Isn’t that “manhood” characteristic to an individual and not an ideal? I know lot’s of men who don’t fit into molds… women too. We need to stop putting each other in boxes.
@pgh muse,
Yeah. But as a woman you got to figure out what it means personally to your man to be a man. And you gotta let him sometimes do it.
This goes both ways, fella.
@V.E.G.,
Exactly. I just dont understand why so many people have to go against the norm on gender issues!
Sure, as a woman its great to know how to do things by yourself. But a man needs to feel like there’s some sh*t he can do for you that you, he needs to feel needed. Same thing for a woman.
In a relationship its no longer about independence, its about CO-dependence. Sometimes men and women fall into those stereotypical gender roles and I dont think there’s anything wrong with that.
@Dom,
I don’t think there’s much wrong with it either if that’s her choice and it’s supported by her man but at the same time, in case the relationship should go south or something should happen to her husband she needs to have some skills because life happens everywhere and my personal belief is that adults should have a level of independance. She needs to be able to take care of herself and her offspring without her man.
@Dom,
And “traditional” models of womanhood show her as self sacrificing and all that… and any woman who doesn’t assert herself in a relationship is doing herself a massive disservice. In my opinion.
@pgh
“She needs to be able to take care of herself and her offspring without her man.”
I couldnt agree more, nothing more upsetting than not being able to provide for your kids (which is IMO, the primary job of the mother) , no argument there.
But just because a woman falls into a traditional gender role doesnt mean she isnt assertive. And you can make the sacrifices necessary for your family’s survival while being assertive as well. Perhaps you’re thinking of non-assertive as subservient? There’s a huge difference.
@Dom,
Isn’t that “manhood” characteristic to an individual and not an ideal?
I feel you, Dom. When in a relationship with a person (any kind, but especially a personal one), I think it best if we deal in the intimacies of individuality rather than cold and impersonal generalizations. It’s the very essence of “knowing” a person and acting and reacting appropriately.
@Dom,
Perhaps you’re thinking of non-assertive as subservient? There’s a huge difference.
There is. Lol… sometimes when we touch on this topic my inner She Ra comes out… but i think it’s because i think it’s VITAL for both our male and female children to be raised better. I think that both sexes need to not be spoiled. Female (princess) type children growing up to be incompetent adults, and males growing up the same way cause they move from woman to woman and never have to take care of themselves… – see i went off on a tangent! But you are right. Non assertive and subservient are not the same. But if a woman is non-assertive how will her needs get met in a relationship?
@pgh muse,
Exactly!
Who decides what makes a man a man?? Society?
Like I stated above. I come from a household where gender roles were decided inside the couple. And it worked for them… (well, at least for the 30+ years they’ve been married)
@mssula,
I agree. I think that people should be allowed to just be… males and females.
@pgh muse,
**Glittery Crucifixes and drops of shimmery blessed water upon this post**
I ‘preciate it. Couldn’t have said it any better.
@mssula,
Thanx!!! Gurl, i need every drop I can git!!
@mssula,
I think I’ll be needing one of those glittery Crucifixes in the VSB Prayer Cubicle.
@PBG,
*writes down command for 5 lifesize glittery and shimmery Crucifixes for VSB’s prayer cubicles*
Should be arriving shortly.
ETA : when brown baby Jesus reads this email.
Awesome post Tangle Jig P (why does this name make me want to dance)
Yo all of these women are suffering from a moment of weakness, short ssa memory, and pride. In the illustrious words of Marcellus Wallace ‘FAULK PRIDE!’
#1. lacks humility. She don’t remember that someone else taught her what she knows and lots of people both before and after her have thought about the things she has learned and desires to impart. (It’s the mostly empty cans that make the most noise.)
#2 truly bites my crank. This person, (I say person cuz all of these traits can be embodied by both men and women) has the gall to think for an inkling that her ‘I am’ can even stand in the room that holds the light of our ‘We are.’ GTFOOH! You that dag on bad you could teach a class or two write a book, live up on a mountain and make people bring you food n water n stuff so they can learn from you.
#3 oh that broad is hurting. (you know hurt people hurt people). I mean the title alone makes me think that ‘her back is against the wall and her puss is in the dust.’ (shouts to the Ghetto Boys) I’m saying she is misdirecting her anger about another event in her life that left her unable to fly. She probably went and compensated by achieving something unrelated yet commendable and then boom. She’s never dealt w/ that old hurt and looking to put the face of the person who hurt her on every body w/ a peen.
*something I been thinking about*
What do you do when you run into these people wrought with ill deportment? I remember in high school we used to jokingly remark, ‘I ain’t got time to be raising somebody else’s (insert ill person’s age here) year old child.’ Should we offer some sage like wisdom and hope that they get it? To the hurt and heart broken what do you tell them to do with the memories of their pain, their relationship failed? Bishop Jakes said that they need to take all the anointing they got to that point in their life and use it.
“(you know hurt people hurt people). I mean the title alone makes me think that ‘her back is against the wall and her puss is in the dust.’ (shouts to the Ghetto Boys)”
LOL!!!! Kudos to you for that GB reference.
@miss t-lee,
TY !)
@miss t-lee,
Co-sign on the Geto Boys reference. Good shyt!!
This subject came up in a roundabout way last week on one my other fav blogs, A Belle in Brooklyn.
Alot of times its not even that men are intimidated by successful women, they’re just sick of women throwing their success in their faces. Its the air of entitlement thats unnerving, the fact that too many women know it all and can do it all and are dead set on letting every man they date know they can do just fine without them.
I think its just fine for a woman to be Ms. Independent, but at the same time you have to be willing to lean on your partner a bit too. Thats the main change men and women need to learn to do in their relationships, which goes back to the post from last week.
@Dom,
Its the air of entitlement thats unnerving, the fact that too many women know it all and can do it all and are dead set on letting every man they date know they can do just fine without them.
good job, dom. you’ll be a jedi very soon
Thanks. This is why I come back every day, the e-pats on the back…and sh*t.
@Dom,
“its just fine for a woman to be Ms. Independent, but at the same time you have to be willing to lean on your partner a bit too. Thats the main change men and women need to learn to do in their relationships”
I’m in total agreement.
Oh Lord, I’m doomed!!! i never looked at it from this point of view. Thanks Panama! *off to doing soul searching*
how do i break out of these trends tho?? help, anyone? my mama always told me ”you don’t need a man for shyt!” lol and because she’s been tellin me this since i was wee-high, i’ve always believed her and recognized the fact that i only need a man for a couple of things only (sex, tlc, snugglin, etc). my mom is sooo opiniated and she taught me to always have an opinion, to keep up with the news so i never look like i donno shyt, etc etc. lol im so doomed.
@Caroline du Nord,
“my mama always told me ”you don’t need a man for shyt!”
See…my momma never told me this and she is educated and independent.
She told me leave them no good ni99as alone. lol. But she never said ‘you don’t need a man’ or ‘you can do bad by yoself’ but she also said a ‘everything is better in a couple if the couple is a good one.’
hell my mom can do for herself but trust she lets my dad do some ish just cuz he wants to (and makes him do other stuff cuz he’s retired and has a lot of time on his hands) and, in return, she burns in the kitchen every Sunday and let’s him watch sports.
@V.E.G.,
correction: She told me ‘leave them no good ni99as alone’ or or ‘you can do bad by yoself’ . But she never said ‘you don’t need a man’. she did say ‘everything is better in a couple if the couple is a good one.’
@Caroline du Nord,
Oh my dear NC VSBer you just hit on a very good point, a lot of our mothers (who may have been single, angry, fugged over, or all three) pass on this defense mechanism to their daughters, and so we are out in the dating world a lot of times misinformed and guarded. I had all types of defenses even before I was ever even hurt in a relationship because of what was passed down to me.
“I had all types of defenses even before I was ever even hurt in a relationship because of what was passed down to me.”
Yep. And its hard to un-do all that damage, too.
@8th Wonder,
You wouldn’t believe the things my mother told me about dealing with men. I am JUST NOW (like, in the last 5 years) getting out from under that self-fulfilling prophecy/maternal legacy. Praise Jesus and the Holy Father for the divine gift of free will. When I got up in age (and self-esteem) enough to learn better, to know better, I did better.
But, I had to do it for myself.
@Caroline du Nord, hmm, nobody ever told me I don’t need a man, but it definitely was drilled into me by papa overit, that most dudes will only want the goodies. I def had my guard up in that sense. I never really trusted what most dudes had to say, I dismissed it as game from jump. In the past 2 years however, because I mistakenly thought my male peers and I are maturing at the same pace, I’ve lowered my guard.
They still aint about anything. Which brings me to another point. Are women right for thinking an older guy is a better bet? After all, its not guaranteed he will be mature, but the chances should be higher right?
*Dear God, its me Overit*
@overit, guuurrrl, the only chances that get higher with older men is that they will have kids and be married (and hiding it). Sounds like you’re looking for maturity – a man can have that at pretty much any age.
@overit,
I co-sign with Lil’T 100%! I’ve always been told I was mature for my age and sought out older guys since dudes my age just weren’t able to keep up. All that led to was good sex and hurt feelings. Older guys play games too, and since they been running it longer you will get out-run. Trust.
Recently, I’ve been dating guys closer to my own age and I’ve had better luck relating to them. Its difficult to find the mature ones but they’re out there.
@Dom, hey, good sex aint a bad deal right?
I feel you, I think I knew this too, which is why I never actively pursued an older guy. I’m glad you’ve had better luck, and thanks for the positive reinforcement, I need it!
@Dom,
“good sex and hurt feelings”
this is also known as “a weekend with the champ”
@The Champ, rude!
Just ugly.
@overit,
Before turning 25, I agree that most men my age (or 1-2 years older) seemed utterly immature to me. I couldn’t relate to anything in their lives, and consistently dated people at least 5 years older than me.
After 25, I noticed that the level-playing field was evening and guys 1-2 years older than me started to be more interesting. Now I am 29 and I can certainly say that a couple of years made a load of difference, even guys younger than me seem to be (finally) mature enough.
Then again, maybe I am ageist. Who knows?
@mssula, I think this is my experience too. I really think 29-30 is when guys start getting it together. Not all guys, but a lot of guys I’ve seen.
@overit,
We are gonna have to wait til we are in our late twenties to find a marriageable man. Why? Why? Why? My ovaries are ripe NOW.
*sobs*
@Jen,
hush now, its gonna be just fine. we need to pray on it. i’m dead serious too actually, there is nothing at this point I can do. Let go and let God I say.
*walking Jen to the main street church of the Abrahamic condition*
@Jen,
Or just find a really bright young man… Or someone slightly older than you.
It’s all good.
The call of the ovaries should not be ignored!
I was definitely guilty of pulling my Miss Independent card too many times. I never hesitated to let a man know I was grown and where the phone was if he needed some cooking, cleaning, etc. I believe this was because I grew up in a family of very strong women with very few men around. When we all got together, we would talk about how much we did on our own, how we didn’t need a man, etc. There was no counter-point to tell us how important it was for a man to feel needed, important, and valuable.
It wasn’t until I got into my 30′s when I realized how much I had underestimated that need. Basically I met someone that i WANTED to cook, clean, and take care of. (Threw me for a loop for a while since it was so counter to what I had been believing. ) It made ME feel good to take care of him and have his help in return. Now this didn’t lessen my ability to take care of myself if needed but that was the point. Letting him help me and me taking care of him was a choice I wanted to make…not a forced decision based on some paternalistic ideal.
While we’re not together anymore, I will always cherish him for helping me see the dangers of my previous thinking. Reason for everything and sh*t.
@Luvtheshoes,
thanks for sharing and sh*t
I also wanted to add that many of those overly independent women, and the ones who know it all (is it just me or does this person seem like one in the same?) are causing their own perpetual singledom by not keeping themselves up! Too many women think that Just because they have their degrees and their cooking skills they should be able to find a man no problem.
Make it pretty and they will come. Case and point Dwayne Wade leaving his wife and college sweetheart for Gabby Union.
@Dom,
“Too many women think that Just because they have their degrees and their cooking skills they should be able to find a man no problem.”
I hate to co-sign this but I will. My most happily married friends stay looking good.
And my eternally without a date friends don’t shave their legs, don’t do anything with their hair, yo yo with their weight, etc. Pretty won’t keep a man but dayum…
@Dom,
Good point Dom. Too bad the overly independent women who also are know-it-alls will never (or very seldomly) realize this.
You know, this post is right on time, because lately I have been asking everyone what is wrong with me. I’m smart, I’m cute, I’m independent, but not emasculating, and yet still, nothing.
It MUST be me, because I have met at least 4 negroids in the past month and some change that weren’t bout a damn thing. And it leads me to think, “Hmm, the common denominator in all this is me…so what’s good?” AT LEAST I have the sense to quickly get rid of them now, which I did not have in my younger years.
Either way, I gotta get the hump on my back removed, asap.
@8th Wonder,
Ok. I’ve met you now. There ain’t nothing wrong with you. Bright? Check. Funny? Check. Nice looking? Check, check. You get the point. You just haven’t been discovered by the right one yet. There are a lot of “wrong ones” and “right ones, wrong time” out here. We as women spend a lot of time trying to pinpoint what’s wrong with us. It’s a waste of time b/c you are fine the way you are.
@Lil’T, 8th is a catch, we know that. The bottom line, is that if you are about a relationship that is based on more than sex, aint nobody checking for you if they are not ready for “wifey”. Understood.
It just leaves a lot of great girls alone. That aint right…
Think of it as our time in the desert, lol. A time for reflection and to make our hearts stronger. Just don’t get too comfortable and forget the ticking of your biological clock.
@Lil’T, haha that damn ticking sound, as I always say, not to be confused with the “I’m the bomb like tick, tick” sound;)
Yeah, I definitely focus on things I think will benefit me in the future, work wise, relationship wise, and also just pursuing all the random things I’m interested in. It helps…for the most part.
The busier I am the less I worry about these things for sure.
@overit, I agree. 8th… it just comes down to finding someone (or letting him find you) who is looking for the same thing(s) that you’re looking for. if both of your goals line up, then it can be a beautiful thing. it may get lonely at times b/c a lot of us dudes play games, but you’re playing this game to win! just keep doing you and don’t settle.
i’d like to end this reply with a random quote i read on the web last week: “women will fake a nut for a relationship. men will fake a relationship for nut.” let it marinate. lol
“women will fake a nut for a relationship. men will fake a relationship for nut.” let it marinate. lol”
::snicker::
“women will fake a nut for a relationship. men will fake a relationship for nut.”
Why does that sound like something I would say?? Cuz it’s so dayum sagacious, that’s why.
lol.
@miss t-lee, i’m using this…
@SouthernCharm,
Confuscious Say…
“women will fake a nut for a relationship. men will fake a relationship for nut.”
me likes this.
LMAO!
Thanks for the jewel of wisdom, SC.
@8th Wonder,
e-twinny, jumping on the bandwagon, i am
you it is not. them it is. your fabulous self, continue to be.
**far too long it has been, since Yoda-speak, we have used**
for the compliment, I thank you.
@blackberry molasses,
“far too long it has been, since Yoda-speak, we have used”
been. it has.
I’d like to play devil’s advocate for these three archetypes of female sapiens.
1) the know-it-all: Intelligent females are often played to the left. Being the only woman in the room, in the office, or the company, sometimes men take for granted that gender representation is an effect of affirmative action and eeo policies and not actual critical thinking abilities. So when a woman is surroundeed by people who assume she’s of lesser intelligence, she often has to assert her self to naysayers and sometimes it’s hard to turn off.
2) the overly independent woman: if a woman is used to doing things solo or if in the past she’s tried to allow herself to be more dependent on others/vulnerable and was met with incompetence… repeatedly… then, yeah she’s gonna have a harder time reconditioning herself not to be so dammed stubborn
3) aggressive, yet insecure: yeah, i got nothing here. i think these broads are the type of person to confuse arrogance with confidence. i’d also have to disagree that being “raised strong” has anything to do with it. Strength of character is more than just aggressive-/assertiveness.
That being said your post was on point. I hope that the females of the species will take heed and tell a friend. (un?)intentional intimidation makes you an a-hole and will definitely get you left alone.
@Deviant,
“I hope that the females of the species will take heed and tell a friend”
this is really the main aim of vsb.
*waving church fan*
@Lil’T,
I know this is a bit random, but do you think church fans w/ pics of MLK will be replaced by fans that have pics of the Obama family?
Of course the funeral home ads on the back will remain.
@Voiceofreason, CTFU!!!!
I don’t know, MLK and the Jenkins family portrait are still wafting around my church. We’ll see if the let the O man into the fan circle.
@Lil’T,
Pardon my ignorance, but what’s CTFU? :-/
@Voiceofreason,
Cracking
The
(four letter Eff bomb)
Up
@WuDaMan,
Oooooooooh. Thanks!!
@Voiceofreason, I actually thought about this very thing the other day
@Deviant,
“2) the overly independent woman: if a woman is used to doing things solo or if in the past she’s tried to allow herself to be more dependent on others/vulnerable and was met with incompetence… repeatedly… then, yeah she’s gonna have a harder time reconditioning herself not to be so dammed stubborn”
And ya’ll won’t believe HOW DIFFICULT this can be! It will truly make your eyeballs sweat.
I am about to make an admission, which is probably not popular.
I actually front like #2 however I am looking for a man to take care of me… THERE I SAID IT!
for many years in my previous SERIOUS relationship I was the person that made the most money, made a lot of our home decisions, managed the finances, and ran the household. I no longer want that.
I honestly want to be like my mom and dad.
My mom signs her weekly check over to my dad (though a percentage of it she has direct deposited into her account as her stash) and he pays all the bills and handles all the money. I do not want to be as oblivious as my mother was for 35 years of their marriage, but I however want to give up full control, cause you know what, with power comes responsibility and honestly I been there done that bought the t shirt and the shot glass as proof and I didn’t like it at all whatsoever.
I know it bucks all trends but honestly I don’t care anymore. My parents really did not raise me to be independent. They raised me to depend on a man, it was I who bucked their home training and did the whole independent thing and honestly I’d like to know who I see to give some of this independence back to.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
The most important is to truly discover what works best for one.
As long as, you’ve found out what suits you best then the rest is Child’s play (or at least it should be
)
The figuring out part is what takes time and is cumbersome. We might be brought with one thing and want another, or vice versa. Being in tune with oneself is the cure to many ailments.
I haven’t quite figured out what type of rapport I ultimately want in my relationship, but I figured that will be half the fun of it. Figuring it out as we go along.
Right now, I am on so Chelly O type stuff. I have plans to sacrifice what can be considered a lot to follow my heart (and my ovaries,
)… It took me 8 agonizing years to get to that point, but you know what? I am at peace. Are there a lot of people in my entourage that will not understand? Why, certainly! Probably starting with mi madre. But ultimately, I have to do what’s best for me.
Allathat, to say, go on and get yourself “taken care” of!!!
@mssula, “The most important is to truly discover what works best for one”
you are so right. When in my relationship I always slipped into the daughter my parents raised and used all the skills they instilled and not so much the things that make me an independent woman. I immediately became the nurturer and comforter on so many levels and even submissive which is so not my outward disposition. It was truly amazing to see this, and even members of my family referred to it as Jeckel and Hyde at times
@Intellectual Hedonist, i feel you girl..i have a similar outlook. i want to be taken care of hands down, but i want him to know that i could do it for myself if i wanted to. i haven’t quite found the way to communicate this apporpriately yet…
@kalia, Try what you just typed w/ plenty of examples.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Me too, girl, me too! Except that I can’t even FRONT like I can do it all by myself. I was burdened with all of the stereotypically female flaws. The ones that p!ss feminists off and cause them to scream, “WHAT WOMAN IS REALLY LIKE THIS??”
*sheepishly raises finger in the air*
I am weak as he11, I can’t put together or fix anything, I can’t drive, I have no sense of direction, I don’t know much about practical things in life (real life current example: what to do when you get into a car accident and need to file an insurance claim). The fact that I am, despite all this, primarily in charge of another human life is deeply frightening for me.
There has never been a point in my life when I didn’t have my daddy along with a boyfriend and/or male friends all helping to take care of my silly, ditzy @$$. My daddy is old and tired. I need somebody to take on a greater share of his burden.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Congratulations on being taken over by love and respect for the differences and strengths of both cexes.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
I’d gladly hand over the job of opening the mail, sorting it and dealing with it to someone else.
Yo, I made a formal response to this entry:
http://doorknockers.blogspot.com/2008/11/in-response-to-its-not-me-its-you.html
Props though. Real recognize real.
@Miss Kristia, very well said
@Miss Kristia – Wow, I loved your response.
Honestly, most women I know who say they can’t find a man because guys are intimidated usually aren’t as attractive/funny/smart/gainfully employed/whatever else they’ve lied to themselves about as they seem to think. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (we all have flaws and plenty 5s got guys) but the attitude that accompanies this delusional superiority is what knocks them out of consideration. I want to tell them, “You’re not that great a catch. Be nice and stop tripping.”
@Sdot,
congrats, sdot. you are today’s winner of vsb.com’s weekly “recognition of the obvious elephant in the room that noone wants to address despite the fact that its sh*tting in everyone’s tea” award. good job
@The Champ,
Thanks and sh*t.
@Sdot,
Oooooo he sure did go there!! I love
ish startersdevil’s advocates. Hey Sdot!And Champ, I aint know there was a weekly “Pink Obese Elephant” awards here on the house of Very Smart Folks
@Luvvie,
“Oooooo he sure did go there!! ”
Who me?!? I’m a she. And I only speaks the truth.
@Sdot, damn Sdot! You goin hard huh?
Don’t hold back!
This is truth.
@Sdot,
Co-sign.
Any half way decent chick who isn’t frowning should collect 2 phone numbers on a Saturday night. If you aren’t meeting at least one new guy every two months – not saying they are good guys/are keepers – then something is up with you or you are a hermit and need to step outside.
@V.E.G., girl, don’t knock the hermits! I think the real cause of me thinking “there’s no good men out here” is that I would hardly ever go out (maybe once every 2-3 months) and when I did I would meet the same dude: Ole In Da Club Dude. Next thing you know I’m turning down invites because I think this fool is haunting every establishment. Then it’s like, “Men who?” Lawd, Lawd – help me break the cycle…..lol!
@Lil’T,
I actually don’t propose you try to meet men at a bar/club. Lol. They are usually on some ‘get them draws’ type stuff.
THAT SAID, my hobby/my passion – reggae music – happens to have me at concerts or at one of 5 music venues in the city. Though they are clubs, per se, when I go there I am not clubbing. I am indulging in my passion: music. And I think that shows. I have hands down met some of the best guys – 3 of my most significant relationships – and I have made great friends. Because I am not ‘looking’ I get to meet some pretty cool people. I also think it helps keep the losers ‘i.e. old thirsty dudes’ off my back. They don’t bother me cuz they know that they ain’t gettin no where.
All this to say, lol, get a hobby and supplement that with club activities. lol.
@V.E.G., this is true. This was part of my problem, I was so involved in extra-curricular stuff, art classes, etc, that I didn’t realize I was spending consecutive Sat nights working on assignments. Then when you do start to go out, its not hard getting numbers at all, but its not the numbers you want lol.
@overit,
You gotta kiss a few frogs first, overit. But you ain’t gonna meet any frogs on the couch watching CSI reruns…
@V.E.G., lmao you don’t know me!….or maybe you do? i think its apathy, frustration, and getting older and not wanting to go out. I am also a big fan of switching it up and not going to the same club every weekend. I don’t know, there is no right way to go about this. I’m looking for frogs…
@overit,
Definitely do not go to the same clubs (unless it is a live music venue and there are rotating bands (i tossed this in b/c it applies to me. lmao) and going out could mean dinner…all kinds of stuff.
@V.E.G., yeah I don’t do the club thing nearly as regularly as my friends. I shall try some new thangs and report back. If not, I will flood PBG and Little Baby Jesus’s inbox.
@V.E.G.,
“Definitely do not go to the same clubs ”
I’mo let my side-eye speak for itself.
@overit,
How about friends introducing friends?
That’s for the most part how I have met most of my boyfriends or friends even. People introducing other people, or going to outings and the likes.
There is an added layer of familiarity when it’s the acquaintance of an acquaintance. It makes it “safer” somehow.
@MsSula@Work, you’re right, that is an option. Admittedly, I haven’t made the most moves…I guess I was waiting for it to just happen. I really always thought that I would just run into dude at the bookstore or the library. I really need to know he will like reading.
You’re right though, this will be added to the overit arsenal. Thanks sis:)
@V.E.G.,
Hell, if she’s frowning, she’ll collect three. You know brothers love a challenge.
ANNOUNCEMENT
______________
Chitown VSB Meetup is Thanksgiving weekend. Do folks wanna do it on Friday or Saturday after TGiving??
Send preferences to Luvvie20 (at) gmail.com.
I think the 3 of you should do it friday.
*snicker*
@8th Wonder,
*Curses on ur fave pair of shoes* Until you do right by me, them heels gon LEAN to the left, to the left.
lol hi hater!
Now that’s just mean.
@Luvvie, that ish was wooo hooo FUNNY!!!! as a fellow shoe lover I would be so mad at you had you cursed my heels. LOL!!
@Luvvie,
I cannot support you puttin a curse on another woman’s shoes…
@Luvvie,
I calculate that as about 45 Hell Points for puttin’ a hex @ 8th Wondra’s favorite shoes!!
I second this emotion. Not the shoes, please! LOL!
@Luvvie,
Fine, I’m sorry 8th wondra. I dont know what came over me. I rebuke the curse on ur shoes. May they go back to be upstanding and fierce!
I do stick by the “Hi Hater” though.
“I do stick by the “Hi Hater” though.”
That I can deal with. Regardless of it being untrue, lol.
@8th Wonder,
this made me laugh..
@Luvvie,
It is a trip how VSB has become a movement & shyt… how precious…
this thread made me cackle for a good 2 minutes.
my my my panama, this post convicted me more than yesterday’s sermon…at least points one and two. u can take credit for contributing to black love because ima try to do better. thankfully, finding a man is not a problem for me, but i would like to hold onto the one i have. i consider myself officially kicked in the pants
@kalia, glad i could do my part.
this may sounds left field, but i really do think that guys can be intimidated by a woman’s physical appearance. i find it mighty strage that i get more positive male attention when i am on my way home from a root canal with a swollen face, wearing a rain bonnet and some sweats than on a normal day. i think when i look busted, it gives guys confidence because they think they might actually have a chance. that’s just my hypothesis….i mean, i’m smiling and friendly 98% of the time (despite the way it might come across in my previous post), so this leads me to think that a man’s confidence level is inversely correlated with a woman’s attractivenes….your guess is a good as mine.
@kalia, *cough* buhlshet*cough cough*
You never know what a guy has rolling around in his head. And to project some intimidated feelings is not a good direction to go in. That’s just me and the people who like to divvy up the word assumption. I’ll tell you like Biggie ‘picture me being shook by a man that breathe the same air as me’ or Bone Crusher ‘I ain’t never scared’
I have love for my e-sisters, but I’m gonna reject your proposed hypothesis and accept the null.
Its not about confidence per se. They are looking at ‘the real you’, as Champers said in a previous post. Without all the glamour and extras we women love to don. The version of you they know they will see more often than not, if they sincerely want to be with you and not just to hit and run.
@kalia,
I too have to reject this.
I have to say that busted or in full drag, the amount of male attention I get is the same.
@kalia,
here ya go
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/ask-the-champ-the-wifey-test/
“…this is actually related to the reason why many women claim to only get sincerely approached when they’re looking their worst (ie “in a t-shirt, ponytail, and sweats at the supermarket”). men know that this image, not the one when she’s at the club rocking 8 inch stilettos and her homegirl’s sweater puppy and bootymeat revealing bcbg dress, is the image he’ll see most of the time, and we bag accordingly…”
@The Champ, and here I thought it was because men were drawn in by my high beamin nips cause I don’t wear a bra most times. Go figure.
I joke! LOL
To Sdot-that has to be one of the realest posts I’ve seen. Dead-on bruh.
To the bruhs: Don’t just talk about handling your buisness-Actually handle your buisness. Quit playing games. Quit chasing a$$. (Like my great-uncle told a cousin of mine ‘Use it for peeing every once in a while.’) Be a good listener. Put no-one before your woman. Take care of her heart . Remember, you’d want a good man to take care of your mother/grandmother.
To Women: Ask us how OUR day went sometimes. (and not just as a means to politely speed through it to get to telling us about your day) Quit playing games. Let your man be a man. (Without a critique on how you would’ve done it.) Don’t constantly correct your man. (Quick way to get him to stop talking to you/confiding in you) Take his side. Learn to cook at least ONE of his favorite things. (My wife’s baked macaroni is the best; hands down.) Most importantly, love your man for who he is; not who you want him to be.
ThePhiladelphiaNegro (Formerly ‘OpinionatedWriter’)
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro, aww thanks! Preciate it TPN. One of the best comments all day.
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
Does your wife use sour cream in her baked mac n’ cheese? Hmmm?? *side eye*
If not, then mine is a substantial rival!!
*shakes tiny fist clutching mixing spoon*
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
Let your man be a man
I’ve heard this said like 5 times and really want to know what Let your man be a man -means to ya’ll?
Late but…
When women say a man is intimidated I typically say something that amounts to, “You’re ugly. Men don’t typically like ugly women.” Needless to say, I’m labeled ‘b*tch’ which is OK. Cus men aren’t intimidated by this b*tch.
…I think I’m guilty of ALL three with the addition of 4) Bag Lady …how do I rid myself of these evils??!!
This is really weird, I have a friend who keeps asking me why men are intimidated by her and it is funny because i told her that men including me are not intimidated by women because if a woman is my type i will not be intimidated by anything. I intimidate people too. People are single because they refuse to open themselves up to a possibility of finding a relationship
I disagree… this is a regional thing… I know I’m a catch… but men in NYC are intimidated. They want you, they would just rather have what comes easy since so many thirsty chicks walk the streets of NYC. Why would they work for something when they know we outnumber then by like 8-1 and 6 of those 8 they aren’t going to have to work to get. Even my homeboys have told me that I intimidate men when I’m out. That I look like I”m unapproachable even though I’m out just chilling.
But I do know the chicks you are talking about above. I’m just saying the intimidated man syndrome is NOT as rare as you state it to be.
get on your job ladies, that industrial professional s!@#, arent a cure-all. you still gotta get on your job. but that bad head comment is classic.
I agree – I think I had a penis until I turned 23! That’s when my husband was like be the woman or I am going to go find one…be the woman? What the hell was that supposed to mean. I hadn’t a clue.
Now I do. I have changed and I now accept him as my leader, my king and my one and only love. But it took years to put down all the know it all, independent bull crap. Basically it was control that I wanted. But no one could tell me that back then.
I have written a book on this very subject it’s called CHANGE YOUR MAN. I had to term it this to sell it to women who think it is actually possible to change a man without submitting to her man. I believe that if we don’t like the way our men treat us then we have to change our own disruptive, ignorant behaviors. And thus, we change our men!
Check it out – a free excerpt is here – http://www.jujumama.net
Also my blog features stories of women who have made the switch! We are giving up our dicks! Now we have flowing waters…
http://jujumama.wordpress.com
Hi – I was like them. I used to have a penis. But I found out that my husband was not going to tolerate my disrespect. I wasn’t vulnerable at all, if I was hurt I would immediately switch to anger. I was a know it all and I was raised to be independent. None of this foolishness worked for me. But I never knew it until I got terminally ill. Finally I asked the Universe why I was dying and I got the answer. I was dying because I wasn’t living. I wasn’t living because I was seeking to control everything including my man.
To live, I had to change. I changed so that I could really live! I wrote about it in my book and on my blog. I help women overcome the madness… lol … http://jujumama.wordpress.com – check it out!
I absolutely loved this!!!! You are soo right and I am a woman who agrees! This needs to be posted on the train as one of those “poetry in motions” …LUVS IT!