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Last week (and apparently entering into this week) was a good time for mankind.
Cassie has flown like an eagle, Rihanna’s come out of rehab, and now Hoopz is playing with balls and letting the world watch the game.
Yay, Internets.
By the way, if you have no idea what I’m talking about then you must somehow avoid all internet contact at all times – amazing considering you’re reading this right now.
Those pics and now Hoopz video clip have seen more hits than Rihanna Tina Turner a punching bag.
(And no, I’m not providing links to any of those pictures or video. This site is PG. Google is your friend.)
Now as a red-blooded male, I’m more than appreciative of full on female nudity in any form. I mean, the whole point of male existence – in a nutshell – is to procure female nudity. It’s necessary for the survival of the species. It’s even better when its women whose buckeynekkidness you’ve actually pondered. And who hasn’t wanted to get under Rihanna’s umbrella –ella-ella aye aye aye.
Man that is one outdated joke. Aye carumba.
Well the leaking of said nudey pics and the apparent broken dam of celebt*tty pictures that are more than likely to venture our way got me to thinking about something very pontificatious. You see, despite my love for the female form, there are actually women I have no desire to ever see in the buff.
Like ever.
Forever ever??
Forever ever.
And who might the mighty-ighty-ighty P not want to see au naturale??
Thought you’d never ask.
Beyonce – Sure she’s hot as South Hades, but truthfully, she’s not even all that sexxy to me, unless she’s soaking wet. I’ve long contended that wet women look way better than dry women (and take that as you want – heh heh heh). And God forbid a chex tap were to surface. You know what that would mean, right? It would be her and JayZ. I don’t ever want to see Bey and Jay bumpin’ literal uglies. Plus, what do you think: just how boring would that tape be anyway? She seems like a robot and he’s just getting more obnoxiously detached. It could be the actual definition video of “watching paint dry.”
Kelis – I know she has a tape out there (poor Nas – first Carmen, now Kelis) floating and what not but I’ve just never found her to be attractive. At all. She also seems to have that Mariah problem where she has to stand certain ways in videos to craft the illusion of derrierosity. Put it this way, if she’s got milkshakes, I’ll just take a Sprite.
Lil Kim – I’m almost afraid to see this. In fact, I’ll assume Lil Kim is to me what Michael Jackson is to most women – ^%$%&^#^*#(*&*)$#$. Yeah, whatever that means to you, that’s what Lil Kim is to me. Yech.
Wendy Williams/Wanda Sykes/Star Jones – They’re pretty much the same behemoth unattractive wildebeast to me and at the zoo you can’t touch the animals. You’re also not supposed to take pictures of certain animals as it may excite and agitate them. That’s how I view them – the kind of animals you just shouldn’t take certain pictures of.
Oprah Winfrey – Steadman doesn’t even want to see her nude so you KNOW Panama doesn’t.
Whoopi Goldberg – I’m just not into eyebrowless pr0n, ya know?
I know I’m gonna catch flak for this but…
Michelle Obama – I don’t care what you say, she’s not hot. Nice rump, but I have NO desire to ever see her Presidential tail. Plus, it might singlehandedly set back Black people 2000 years. Hell, it too 2009 years post Hayseuss to see a Black man get inaugurated, the LAST thing we’d need is a scandal showing Michelle Obama in dirty pics with the pool boy because Obama was on TV making ANOTHER damn speech. That’s my new campaign: Keep The Presidential Knockers Under Wraps.
That’s a mere smattering of women I’d never want to see in the buff – ever. Good people of VSB, who would you (male or female) never want to see a la mode??
-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST aka YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD 3
I pretty much agree. The Beyonce thing though for me has to do with the fact that she is sooo bad that I don’t need to see here au natural. And Wanda Sykes, um I wouldn’t mind taking a peek. As long as she’s not talking.
@Jaybilal,
id watch a sykes sex tape just out of curiosity out of what she’d say.
@The Champ,
LOL. That stupid voice makes everything she says sound like a set up for a joke. I’m sure we’d get more laughs out of her tape than any of her unfunny standup routines. It could be a classic!
@The Champ,
that’s actually a very good point, i’d watch for the very same reason. It would be so bad it be good!
@Jaybilal,
“The Beyonce thing though for me has to do with the fact that she is sooo bad that I don’t need to see here au natural. ”
agreed, seeing beyonce get her pamela anderson on would be like (as i’ve been told) chex on ecstacy, they say after doing it that way, regular just won’t do anymore.
“regular” poon is just fine, thank you ma’am
however, from the way bey performs on stage i am just a bit curious to see her in action, i just pray she’s not a talker…
@Carver The Great!,
So you think Beyonce got this Platinum Love Pocket that makes men whimper?
@Luvvie,
yes, my research has shown that quiet girls that talk bad and dance good have incredible kooter.
@Carver The Great!,
heehee… he said “kooter”.
@Carver The Great!,
preeeeeech brotha
@Carver The Great!,
let the chuuch say amen.
Bond. BlkBond.
@Carver The Great!,
i just pray she’s not a talker
You better hope she not.
hahahha
I dont want so any ones s.e.x tape to afraid it will ruin the fantasy….
Panama u better stop talking about my Michelle like that b4 i sick the secret service on u, but anywho i’d say it would prob be quite horrid to see Larry King, Joan Rivers, Cherri from the view, or Donald trump in the buff, those are the ones that come immediately to mind. oh also dick cheney…that would be super gross
i need not see wanda sykes munching carpet or any other fabric we cover our floors in.
@jana.love,
You just gave me the worst visual of the night.
Thank you very much.
@Lili,
lol, yeah. the carpet in my office seems icky now
@jana.love,
Wanda Sykes is asexual. Like Whoopi Goldberg.
@Luvvie,
ironically, wanda sykes is an aka
@Carver The Great!,
Uh oh.
@Carver The Great!,
Welp… F their Lives lol. The AKAs prolly feel like I felt when I found out Chamillionaire is Nigerian. I wants NO part of that
@Luvvie, LMAOOOOOOOOOO!
Humh.
1. Sean Combs
2. My daddy (Yeah Diddy is higher on the list than my daddy)
3. Any of my friends’ husbands
4. Any adult man who looks 17 months pregnant
5. Lavar Burton (even though I’m following him on Twitter)
6. (For good measure) THREES!! I had to! I just had to!!!
*jazz hands*
@Hostess, Good. U made me not feel bad for following Lavar Burton on twitter
@Peyso,
This is funny as hell to me. What could Kunta be possibly tweeting of interest? Reading Rainbow BEEN done!
@Me fail english?,
*howling* i lurved reading rainbow! take a look, it’s in a book, reading rainboooooooooooow….but yeah, what levar talking ’bout?
@Me fail english?,
lmbao from roots to reading rainbow to star trek he gets money lol
@Hostess,
I agree, there is nothing worse than a man with a big round belly!
@Hostess,
LMFAO @ Levar Burton. And ew, as well. I’m now picturing him saying, “What’s yo name, boy?!”.
UGH.
@Cheekie, Honestly, I don’t pay much attention but when I saw him on there (I didn’t go looking for him), I felt like following him was the RIGHT thing to do. He was Toby for goodness sakes. AND, I need all the Black-points I can get cus my membership is currently listed as ‘Up for Review’.
No nudie pics/videos for the following:
1.) Dennis Rodman (though we’ve damn near seen all of his shyt)
2.) Lance Armstrong (one b*ll makes me nervous)
3.) Monique (she’s funny but….)
4.) Mike Tyson (what other weird tats does he have?)
5.) Any of the Flavor of Love/I Love New York/Ray J b*tches (and they’re all b*thches male or female)
6.) AI/D-Wade/KG (I prefer my fantasies)
7.) Micheal Jackson/Prince (ewwwww, though I LOVE Prince)
8.) RuPaul (head shaking vigorously)
9.) Flavor Flav/New York/Ray J (the reality shows were desperate enough)
10.) Barack Obama (see below)
I totally agree with the Michelle comment. Though I think she’s pretty (I’d give her a 7 based on looks alone but who and what she is – professional, classy, great mom, etc easily makes her as a total package an 8.75-9) however, based on her stature in society, the position she’s in, and who/what she represents I don’t want to see any nudie/swimsuit/”adult” pics or videos with her and/or her husband.
@Madame Zenobia,
i gagged a little bit at the thought of Prince getting it in. and by “a little bit” i mean i straight up vomited. although i bet he’d do his little “owwww!” right at the climax and somehow make that ish comedy….
@MZ, I don’t need to create a list i agree with your list whole heatedly the only person missing is Al Rocker. (for obvious reasons.)
@puff, I dont know, I was surprised when I saw Purple Rain. Prince actually convinced me he was (at some point at least) heterosexual. I was a lil jealous of Appolonia for a minute.
@puff,
is it jus me but do prince look like rhiana i mean they even have the same hair cut
@BLUNTBLAZER, LMAO! Maybe they are actually the same person
@klysha,
I’ve always thought Micheal & LaToya Jackson were the same person. Think about it, when was the last time you saw the two of them in the same place at the same time?
@Madame Zenobia,
I agree, Michelle’s stature elevates her on the ‘scale’ but I don’t think she’s pretty. She’s not fugly, not by any means. She’s average looking.
@Madame Zenobia,
“4.) Mike Tyson (what other weird tats does he have?)”
Plus he has big girly hips now – no can’t dew!
@Madame Zenobia, Just looking at Dennis Rodman makes me feel like I’ve caught something. lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
Me too. I feel dirty. He looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since before he got drafted into the NBA.
@Madame Zenobia, LMAO. Right.. like a walking STD too.
@Madame Zenobia,
“one ball makes me nervous”
potential t-shirt
@Madame Zenobia,
Al Roker looks like the tortoise who broke his shell. Womp! Plus he is mad annoying.
@Luvvie,
hell yea i hate him and star jones with a passion they be havin al dressed like mr rodgers
@Luvvie,
I should have added Al Roker, I thought about it.
Late additions:
11.) Star Jones’ ex-husband
12.) Teri McMillian’s ex-husband
13.) Punk aka Jennifer Hudson fiance (though he technically counts as a part of #5)
Why do I feel like the three of them would pop in a nudie video TOGETHER?
@Madame Zenobia,
Why do I still feel like Punk and Mr. McMillan are the same effin person?
@Madame Zenobia,
LMFAO! Somethin about Punk just screams child molester to me!
@Madame Zenobia,
That entire list is full of men who refuse to come out that stuffy, murky, recycled air closet.
@Luvvie,
Those cats are so far in the closet they’re in Narnia.
I like a little mystery, so there aren’t really any male celebrities that I would want to see au natural.
The top of my list for men that I would not want to see in the buff are:
Diddy
Jay-Z
Lil Wayne
@Leila, How’d I forget Lil Wayne? I think my corneas would run away and hide if I evuh laid eyes on that dude.
@Hostess,
Egads! How did I forget Weezy?!?!?!? Good Lord, I think I’d loose my free* grilled KFC! That goes for Baby, Master P, Mystkial, Slikk the Shocker, Mia X basically any NO rapper who thinks it would be a good idea to go nudie for a comeback.
(Freddie P, Choppa, Dylan, Ness from last week’s Top 4 Reality shows – this includes you.)
*Please visit a participating KFC restaurant for a rain check form. Complete the form, attach your original coupon , and give it to the KFC restaurant manager or postmark per the form’s instructions, by May 19, 2009, and we’ll send you a rain check for your free Kentucky Grilled Chicken meal at a later date, plus a free Pepsi with our compliments. Your participating KFC restaurant will provide you with the form you need.
Please note that the redemption periods of the rain checks will vary. All other terms and conditions of the original free Kentucky Grilled Chicken coupon will apply
@Madame Zenobia,
ummmm….i don’t know if this is supposed to be funny or informational. lol. do you work for KFC? i stayed good and away from all that foolishness.
@SouthernGirl,
No, I don’t work for KFC – I was trying to be silly. (It was 3 AM forgive me.)
@Madame Zenobia,
Why must you perpetuate ChickenGate ’09 tomfoolery? WHY??
*wall slide*
@blackberry molasses,
It was 3 AM, I was being silly – forgive meeeeeeeeee!!!!!
@Leila,
“Lil Wayne”
Eeeeeek! My eyes! My eyes!
I’m feeling queasy from the visual!
@Leila,
Blech@ Lil Wayne’s dirty arse. I’ll bet he has little trees and animals growing out his pubic area
@Me fail english?,
Blech@ Lil Wayne’s dirty arse. I’ll bet he has little trees and animals growing out his pubic area
LOLOL
@Me fail english?,
I’m pretty sure that Lil Wayne’s pubic hair harbors species unbenownst to scientists. Or MAYBE it holds the key to vaccines of the toughest diseases, just b/c that would be the ultimate in irony
@Luvvie, I don’t understand how Lil Wayne has so many women fighting over him. That puzzles me….
@Leila,
Thirsty azz heffaz that’s who!
@Luvvie,
“Or MAYBE it holds the key to vaccines of the toughest diseases, just b/c that would be the ultimate in irony”
Now that’s some funny sh*t!
@Leila,
OMG, how did I forget Lil’ Wayne? Wait, I know, because I would picture him making constipated moaning sounds annnnd…
Forgetting again…
My list of EEKS! My eyes!!!:
*Big Boy – He looks like he’s melting ever since he lost all that weight. Dude looks like someone literally let the air outta him. EEK!
*Lil Wayne – I’d die a slow and torturous death. My 3rd eye would get cataracts and go blind, and my 6th sense would quit me if I was to see that human roach sans apparel. EEWWWW!!!
*Prince – I have NO desire to see that “man” naked. I’d either feel like a resident of the Isle of Lesbo, looking at his feminine form and tender & slim thighs or a pedophile b/c of his 13 yr old body. Nothankyou. Alls I wanna do with Prince is take him shopping with me. He’d pick out GREAT outfits for me and fierce shoes. We may fight over the same pair of heels though. Hmph.
I’m sleepy. Thats all I got for now (coincidentally the same thing Champ told Aif when he lasted 3 minutes. HUZZAH! ZING!)
@Luvvie,
LMAO @ alladis foolishness! You are a total clown!
@Luvvie,
zing deez
@Luvvie, Tender and slim thighs?! LMAO sat down
LMAO!
3 minutes is kinda generous, kiddo.
@Luvvie,
And is anyone else freaked out by the fact that Lauren London is 5 months preggo w/ Lil Wayne’s baby. YUP, it’s true.
The Ghost of Roach Present and his Lust Child w/ Lauren London really have my balance all wonky. The scales of justice is officially broke.
@Luvvie,
smh@ Lauren London.
People forget, but Wayne was a really cute teenager. Now he looks like compost. And on top of that he just had a baby with the Ohio chick.
@Me fail english?,
Now he looks like compost.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
*dyin over here*
@Me fail english?,
iQut u. Please pack ALL ur ish and VAMOOSE! Not compost! LMAO!!!
@Luvvie,
Wayne knocked up NuNu oh hell yea thas my boy
folks i’d never want to see in any kind of state of nudity:
1. bill clinton. shoot, any middle aged-to-elderly politician/news figure including, but not limited to, larry king (whyyyyyy is this man still procreating at the age of 204???), rush limbaugh, jay leno and the pope. although i wouldn’t say no to jon stewart or anderson cooper *fans self rapidly with prayerbook*
2. jermaine jackson. his molten plastic face suggests the rest of him is likewise. and my delicate constitution simply can’t take the greasy slimy strangely fake-tanned looking-ness of it all.
3. david gest or al reynolds.
and i’m spent. back to my paper.
@puff,
“and i’m spent. back to my paper.”
i had a great reply to this quote when i first read it, but i had some toast issues this morning and i forgot about it
And as for Nas…you know what? He’s been my fav mc since I was approx. 12 y.o. (my big cousins made me listen to him, and actually listen to his lyrics- great lesson in appreciating hip-hop), and I’ve had sporadic crushes on him because, well, he’s pretty da*mn cute. I love the man. He’s kept it real and refused to sell his soul to the devil (i.e. record company execs), save for that foolish “Ochee Wali-Wali”.
Despite his intelligence and lyrical prowess, it seems Nasir cannot pick a good woman. We all know Carmen’s story and, as much as I like Kelis’ “I don’t care” attitude, I just knew she and Nas weren’t really right for each other.
Now, if this “rumored” chex tape occurred before the marriage, Nasir needs to take the L, kick himself for not doing more research before he said “I do”, and forget about it. If the tape was made during the marriage…then I understand. Adultery is bad enough- having it recorded is mortifying.
**Sorry for the rant, I just don’t like the idea of the demise of their marriage being solely blamed on Kelis when we don’t –and won’t ever– know the details.**
@Lili,
The tape is not a rumor. It’s real.
@Lili,
Meh, I think Nas played himself because there had been lots of rumors of Kelis’ “adventurous” side since long before they got married. Since way back when I was just an intern in the industry! It’s one thing for a radio station to put out random stuff, but when your peers, colleagues and superiors are all talking to, there may be something to this…
And seeing as how Nas was a pretty big deal in this industry and I got paid in wet breadcrumbs, I find it doubtful that I heard rumors that he wasn’t privy to. He needs to suck it up and get over it.
I’ve never seen the tape but word on the street is that she has the same platinum blonde hair in the tape that she got after they married. And screw the tape. Who wants to be married to a chick that boned Infared??? Sux to be him.
@Me fail english?,
Are you trying to tell me one of my favorite if not favorite MC’s is a sucka for love? Say it ain’t so.
@Humble_One,
It’s so.
Believe it.
@Me fail english?,
I agree. Nas’ knew she was a freak b4 they got married. That’s prolly one of the things about her that he liked. Dumba$$. Don’t wait till she’s 7 mos. pregnant w/ ur child to be mad!
@Lili,
Now, if this “rumored” chex tape occurred before the marriage, Nasir needs to take the L, kick himself for not doing more research before he said “I do”, and forget about it. If the tape was made during the marriage…then I understand. Adultery is bad enough- having it recorded is mortifying.
this is a topic in itself. even if said deeds occured prior to the marriage, how does recent knowledge affect the current situation? does it depend on the deed? time involved?
@The Champ,
@The Champ,
Idk. I do know that seeing your wife in a “money shot” is not what’s up. I don’t know any man willing to take that L.
@Humble_One,
“Money Shot”?!?!?!?!
@The Champ,
*Eh hem eh hem* Look at me, creating topics and whatnot.
Go ‘head and post that tonight.
@The Champ,
i dated a girl that did some nude photos b4 i met her and i dumped her after i found out. cant have my boys all like wow dog ya girl got tha wet wet. i bragged that i banged a model tho lol
@Lili,
WAIT i think im lost. did kelis cheat and now they are broken up?
@tnt,
Nas found a sextape that Kelis did pre-marriage and it freakied him out that his wife SMASHED A HOMIE on camera