In the past couple of months, I’ve spoken on a panel, attended two parties in DC, participated in two photoshoots, and contributed to a relationship roundtable discussion. I’ve also attended numerous events in the Pittsburgh-area — happy hours, mixers, meetings, brunches, house parties, game nights; you name it, I’ve been there. In that time, I’ve probably met and/or talked to at least 150 to 200 different people in the 25 to 35 age range. Mostly African-American, mostly educated, and mostly well-adjusted.
And, in these dozens upon dozens of conversations, one overarching theme always seemed to repeat itself.
No one, I repeat, NO ONE wants to have kids
I realize that I’m being (a little) hyperbolic. I know that the people I talked to were mainly comprised of never-married-before grad students and young professionals — people who’d probably be less likely to have kids and less likely to want them than the general populace. Also, I did not discuss child raising and child bearing with each of these people I met and/ or talked to. In fact, the last time I met and/or talked to a large group of people — last Saturday at Reminisce (the monthly 90′s party VSB helps throw at Liv Nightclub in D.C.) — the main topics of discussion were “Do you want a shot?“, “Why is she in the men’s bathroom?“, “What’s your name?“, and “Wait…I can’t hear you. The music is too loud. WHAT’S YOUR NAME????”
But, whenever having children and families did happen to be brought up, ambivalence was easily the most popular answer. It’s not that they definitely don’t want kids, it’s just that they’re definitely not sure about it and it doesn’t seem like it would be the end of their world’s if they never had them. Surprisingly, this mindset isn’t held about marriage. While people definitely have their doubts about the institution of marriage, lifelong monogamy, and actually being married, we still generally do envision ourselves walking down the alter eventually. Kids just seem to muck things up.
I’ve been wondering why so many seem to feel this way. Having children is, frankly, the reason why we’re here. Why is it that so many of us are apathetic towards what should be the most natural human instinct? Since I couldn’t track down each of these people to ask them why, I figured I’d just ask a guy I have access to, a person who feels just as (if not more) “Eh” about having children: Me.
Champ: So Champ, tell me: Why don’t you want to have children?
Champ: Good question. Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I think you’re an awesome writer. You’re a f*cking rock star, man.
Champ: Thanks.
Champ: No problem. Anyway, it’s not that I don’t want to have kids. I love kids. What man hasn’t fantasized about having a Mini-Me following him around, mimicking him, and generally just always thinking that he’s biggest and best person on Earth? I’m also curious about what type of parent I’d be and what type of person I’d mold. I mean, all parents love their kids, but would I actually like mine?
Most importantly, since I probably wouldn’t have a child out of wedlock (knocking on wood), this tiny person would be a physical manifestation of the love his/her mother and I share. I imagine us (my wife and I) sitting on the couch and watching our kid do kid things while we give ourselves a look that says “Look at what we did!”
Thing is, each of the last couple of paragraphs represent gravy to me. They’re non-essentials, gift bags for the soul. I don’t need to be a father to feel fulfilled, to feel purposeful, to feel loved, and I don’t feel any earthly duty to procreate.
Perhaps this mindset — which seems to be more and more popular — is proof of our burgeoning egoism and self-involvement. We don’t want to have kids because those little motherf*ckers will slow us down. Maybe it’s evolution. We’re lucky enough to live in a place and a time where it’s no longer necessary to have children to help you plow the fields and milk the cows and sh*t.
Also, I wouldn’t discount the effect the internet has had on us. Historically, our drive to have children has always been tied to legacy. Basically, since we can’t live forever, we leave a piece of ourselves behind so a part of us does. But, with the advent of social media and everyone being able to carve out their own little niche in the universe, perhaps this fills that legacy need.
Champ: Wow. That was a great freakin answer. I’m officially in awe.
Champ: Yea. Sometimes I even impress myself. Hmm. Perhaps I should reconsider this child having thing to see if I can create something even awesomer than me.
Champ: Perhaps you should
So, you have the Champ’s answer. People of VSB, what’s yours? Do you find that more and more people seem to be “Eh” about having children? Why do you think that is? Also, how do you personally feel about being a parent?
—The Champ
yo, i’ve been having this discussion lately myself. namely b/c the person i was dating totally wants kids & i frankly couldn’t really be bothered at this point in my life. i wrote about it here ~> http://www.amandamichellejones.com/2011/12/01/realizations-n-thangs
yeah, to have babies or not to have babies seems to be on everybody’s mind. i blame drake
I blame beyonce and jay-z.
I blame the US Education system and the student loans i have to pay back from undergrad. No way can i afford to have children. I am 27
I’m the family genealogist and I want, no, I need to have kids at some point. I would be devistated if I couldnt have my own biological kids. But not now. Too much student loan and other debt. I’m bout to move out of my nice apartment and in with family so I can pay cheaper rent. Oh and I’m not married. My man doesnt think he’ll be ready for kids until he is 35. We are the same age. Fails all around.
I am still young, but I find myself not really enthusiastic about the idea of marriage and having children. I’m the second youngest of 8 kids, plus I’ve had my share of helping raise children since I was a child myself (not due to me wanting to, but because of irresponsible parenting at the hands of certain family members); I’m still helping w/kids (my sis just adopted two of our cousins) and quite frankly, I’m f*cking tired of children. Callous as it may sound, I just don’t see myself having kids of my own; I have enough nieces, nephews, godchildren and other random kids to claim.
This makes sense.
TOTALLY makes sense. i work with kids whose parents… well, aren’t. i LOVE my work & being part of helping these young folks be great is the best feeling ever. it fills my parental interests plenty. i’ll probably adopt/foster parent some kids later in life, but i’m good for now.
I understand. Im the oldest child and I seen how much of a struggle and inconvenience children are.
I’m 30 and currently unmarried. Although I do want to get married someday, I’ve been back and forth about having children. I do want them, then I don’t, then I do again. There’s a lot of thing I take into consideration. The state of the world: Do I really want to want to bring kids into the world considering how messed up it is? Also, the school system is horrible countrywide. Not just the educational part of it, but even the social aspect. Kids in this country deal with issues in school that young children should never have to deal with. If I did have kids, I would definitely want to home school, but will I be able to afford to do that? Even if I could afford to, would I still feel fulfilled having to put my career aside in order to that? So many things to consider. I’m still torn about it.
Hmmm…I agree. I’d have to start a daycare and a home school.
That’s how I feel. Schools are a mess. I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my kids off to spend their days there.
have you always felt this way? i mean, when you were 27, were you as ambivalent?
Yeah, pretty much. I went through a period between 15-17 where I wanted kids really badly (hormones). Now I only get the urge around the time of the month (sorry, lol). But I know it’s more biological than anything. Just the hormones. So I let it pass. Right now I’m single and not in a relationship. If I was in a serious relationship with a guy who wanted kids, I may change my mind. Who knows?
I’ve thought about home schooling as well but then I would be concerned with how my children would turn out socially. As a child school is where you socialize the most and I wouldn’t want to shelter them from that because they have to grow up eventually and deal with people.
Lots of studies have shown that home schooling isn’t so bad for kids, socially. Plus, a lot of parents who home school have “support” groups that give their children the opportunity to interact with other children.
#teamhomeschooling – there are consortia, group efforts, neighborhood & church-based home schooling groups… some even have their own proms, etc. (yes, i’ve researched this; it’s also something i’d want to do.)
I’d like a mini-me.
But, I don’t want one outside of wedlock (as Champ’ stated). I don’t like the idea of being a single parent. Although a lot of women are able to do it and raise decent human beings, I’d prefer to share the responsibility with another person. In the current climate (wherein marriages are no longer forever propositions but longterm relationships that the realist recognizes as highly likely to end within 10 years) I think many young professionals with a similar mindset to mine are more than a bit hesitant to bring a child into this world. We may start off with a partner in raising said child, but the likelihood is we’ll probably end up in single parenthood after all.
so, in your opinion, the ambivalence has to do with people not having faith in relationships?
A lot of my ambivalence comes from the relationship part. Sure raising a kid is tough. That’s why it helps to ave a partner. But if the guy only wants to put in 10% or just wants you to pop out his seed so he can check “have offspring” off his list while expecting you to kick into automatic and do all the hard work, man that stuff is for the birds.
Definitely a big part of the ambivalence. The responsibility inherent in parenthood is massive. A person’s entire being is shaped by those who provide the DNA to create him and those who raise him. If I don’t believe in the 50-50 that made that child continuing on to raise him, then how comfortable can I be with having said child?
Yes, a lot of the ambivalence has to do with not having faith in relationships.
I can’t stop running into women who don’t want to have kids. Then again I hang around Latinas and ‘mother earth’ Black women. Given the group you spoke to it’s not all that surprising that don’t want to have kids because generally speaking the higher you go up the social and economic ladder, the less kids those people/couples have.
Me too, bruh. It seems like women don’t want kids nowadays, which is disheartening because I’d like to have kids someday.
” the higher you go up the social and economic ladder, the less kids those people/couples have.”
This. smh
Isnt this ironic? We stay for days talking about how folks arent raising their kids right. Or the wrong folks having all types of Bebes, but the people who MIGHT have something constructive to pass along are opting out. This has always perplexed me.
@-RG- Exactly. Ironic, but moreso than that depressing. Because we all thought that black America had hit rock bottom already :/ But hey, can’t stop ppl from doing or not doing what they want/don’t want to do…smh
“I can’t stop running into women who don’t want to have kids. Then again I hang around Latinas and ‘mother earth’ Black women.”
seems like these would be the people who would want to have kids
That’s what I was thinking.
My Engrish has failed me. I mean I’m always around women who WANT to have children.
I didn’t want to be the one to throw that stereotype out there………. #Welp
It’s not that I don’t want to have kids…it’s just that I don’t see it happening. Perhaps the realities of what it means to be career military in this day and age have affected my view towards children. Everytime I come back from a deployment and see these kids bawling over their Parents in the airport I just feel bad for them. I also recall the story of how my brother and I apparently didn’t recognize our Parents when they came back two separate times.
Also truth be told I’ve supported friends thru many pregnancies and labors and the reality is that it is not a beautiful glorious experience but often agonizing and painful. I also am around for the fun of newborns…yah my six month old god child still doesn’t sleep thru the night. Do you know how much of a vacation this TDY I’m on to Honduras is compared to that? LOL…my only worry is that she won’t recognize we after I get back.
I’m 28 though…so I have plenty of time to reconsider (before 35) pending my future Husband and all.
Hmm…the end result…for now my children are my Louboutins.
Though I have an interest in foster parenting from my volunteering…but a single military person is not considered a stable environment so I stick to coaching as well as teen programs.
35 is the point were you’re gonna say “f*ck it?”
35 is the point where it is more unsafe for the Mother and Child so possibly…because to be honest at 35 I’m 3 years from military retirement and a kid would be around until I’m 53 if I had one right then
I was adamant about NOT having kids for thee longest, but I’ve recently changed my mind. I’m am only child, so part of me wants to create the life I never had by having a big family. I was afraid I was too crazy (in a good, lovable way) to raise kids and actually have them turn out okay. As someone mentioned upthread, this world has too many issues (increasing violence, poor education systems, etc), so would I really want to raise my child in that type of environment?
At the moment, I’m not in a hurry to have kids, but the idea’s not completely off the table.
As someone mentioned upthread, this world has too many issues (increasing violence, poor education systems, etc), so would I really want to raise my child in that type of environment?
to make the world a better place and sh*t
Yeah that SOUNDS good, but there’s always that fear of my child(ren) growing up to be reckless despite my efforts to teach them otherwise. Coming home with skinny jeans on & facial tattoos & shit. I don’t think my blood pressure can handle that! Lol.
I want children always have but my generation has altered the family structure. Single parents are the norm, im waiting for marriage this gives me time to pursue my career. I chose my career path for two reasons to maintain my lifestyle and support my kids and help them obtain the goals and dreams.
With or without a man…im 22 but a girl cant wait forever !!!
First off, let me say that I partied my A$$ off on Saturday at the Heavy D party!!! I always hear about throwback parties and usually they’re just to lure folks in and intermittently throughout the night there’s some “oldies” mixed in with current music. NOT SO IN THIS CASE!! I was back in Brooklyn, NY again! I was packing my bags & heading to MD again!! It was amazing. I thought I’d lose my voice shouting all those lyrics like I wrote them.
DJ Quartermaine is a beast andI had a ball…AND I got a hug from PJ! Gravy…
Anywho, kids… I’ve known since I was 5 that I’ve wanted little people who looked like me. That was when my brother was born. Throughout the years, I’ve oohed and aahed over so many babies that I’m sure my ovaries are like “get it over with, already!!” I’m now 39, single & still childless and I’m starting to decide to get comfortable with the idea that the kids may not happen—not biologically anyway. The preference has always been to be married first but sigh… I have a group of girlfriends who are actually okay with the idea that they may never have kids and they seem okay with that. Additionally, they’re all younger than me by about 5 years or so. I figured that would be the other way around (older chicks w/o kids and okay with that). I’m not there yet nor do I want to be however, I think that ALLOWING myself permission to toy with the idea is more of an “Ehh?” than a definitive “Eh”.
I’ve always felt like I might adopt kids. Even from a young age, that always seemed more practical to me. I think that’s why I’m not really sweating it so much. I feel like I should try to have one just because that’s the unique function of my body. I feel like I should experience it. Also for my grandparents who are all still living I feel like I should.
Also, my aunt had her first baby over the age of 40. You still got time!
dammit. i wanted a hug too. glad you had a good time, though
You got a hug from PJ? I don’t like you anymore.
I don’t know. I go back and forth on it. When I imagine a child of my own, it seems great until I realize that little joker will be MINE. No one to give him/her back to. That’s when I’m over it. BUT, the idea of a kid is faring far better than idea of marriage.
Totally different mindset from the 21 year old me and that makes me laugh so.
“BUT, the idea of a kid is faring far better than idea of marriage.”
expound and sh*t
Being a parent is the most difficult, important, & rewarding job u will ever hav in life. You think u know love? Psshhhhhhhhht u dont know jack till u feel that type of love. U will look at everything different. Its truly awesome. I highly advise u ladies & gents not 2 cheat yall selves. Kids are the meaning of life. *que whitney houston greatest love of all* lmao:)
Interesting topic!! I’ve actually thought about this lately especially since I believe my mother is ready to be a grandmother since all of her friends are. I would love to one day have children, but my mom preached order to me so I refuse to have a child out of wedlock. Plus, I have yet to meet a man that I would want to have to deal with for the rest of my life. On top of that, i believe children just aren’t being raised right nowadays, some of these kids are just soooo damn bad, no respect for adults or even their parents. Plus, all the video games and the talking back and how sex is no longer taboo and children are being exposed to more adult things earlier and earlier (which I believe is not right). There is even a no child movement in grocery stores, movie theaters, restaurants, etc. which I believe has more people apprehensive about reproducing. Children need stability, discipline, time, and love and some people just aren’t cut out to be parents.
“Being a parent is the most difficult, important, & rewarding job u will ever hav in life. You think u know love? Psshhhhhhhhht u dont know jack till u feel that type of love. U will look at everything different.”
but what if you’re a person who already feels loved and doesnt see the need to make their life more difficult?
Nooooo, not the love YOU feel from others. Its the love u will feel toward your child that will hav u on cloud 9. U didnt know it wuz possible to love something that much. It humbles u & changes ur whole perspctive.
I honestly thought I was the most loved child in the universe until I had my daughter, now she is the most loved child in the universe. I think sometimes we are under the impression that love has a threshold so in effect we can say, “I feel loved enough.” And therefore fulfilled. However, as a woman who will be thirty soon and I only have one child. I think I meet many more women who are ready to have to children but just haven’t gotten married or the right circumstances haven’t presented themselves, ie a responsible partner. Most of my friends have even discounted the possibility of marriage, and let’s be honest most of us will likely not marry. I hate to put it out there but think about it. Plus, being a parent takes you to the next level, whatever you did, you do it so much better afterwards. Also, please remember your child will only behave the way you allow them too!
“but what if you’re a person who already feels loved and doesnt see the need to make their life more difficult?”
I felt the same way… all fulfilled and loved and what not… before I had kids. You really don’t know love until you have kids. Ask your parents! My husband and I said no kids before 32 (married at 24), but I ended up having our SECOND child the week I turned 30 this year.
Sometimes it takes witnessing or experiencing something drastic or tragic (in my case) to make you question your own mortality and fertility, and kick start something you deep down really do want. I think people (educated, career-driven, slightly self-absorbed, single?, childless) put up this defense mechanism when it comes to their feelings about having kids (at least that’s what I did). Like if having children is something you really want, you don’t dwell on it. You prepare yourself mentally for it NOT happening. You come up with a thousand reasons NOT to do it… crazy people, bad schools, no money, no spouse, drugs, media, etc… so that if it doesn’t happen you’re okay with it. If it does happen, you “somehow” find a way to overcome all the ills of society and raise normal human beings like the majority of us do.
Disclaimer: I ain’t saying everybody wants kids and everyone who doesn’t is unfulfilled.
“I think people (educated, career-driven, slightly self-absorbed, single?, childless) put up this defense mechanism when it comes to their feelings about having kids (at least that’s what I did). Like if having children is something you really want, you don’t dwell on it. You prepare yourself mentally for it NOT happening. You come up with a thousand reasons NOT to do it… crazy people, bad schools, no money, no spouse, drugs, media, etc… so that if it doesn’t happen you’re okay with it. If it does happen, you “somehow†find a way to overcome all the ills of society and raise normal human beings like the majority of us do.” I see your point here and feel that the same goes for marriage.
Being a parent doesn’t make anyone a better person. That’s bull. Or if you actually think it does, I just have to wonder what sort of people those parents used to be who yell at teachers when their kids get bad grades, who refuse to believe their beloved offspring has done something warranting a detention, who THREATEN teachers and coaches if their kid doesn’t get something they want (school play, first base, etc.), who send nasty text messages for whatever lie their kid has come up with, who have no sense in reality. They must’ve been pretty damn awful BEFORE.
The greatest love part I believe. I’ve already felt it though, with my nephew. Love him to bits and even though it might be only a glimpse of what it could be with my own child, I have also seen what it takes to raise him well. To give him all the tools he needs. My sister is so good in it, she’s a special education teacher so she knows all the stuff kids need to learn when they’re little so their life is as easy as possible when they’re older (including boundaries and knowing right from wrong). I could never do it. I would worry myself to death.
Some people have kids because they want to leave a legacy, some because they want to feel the greatest love of all, some because they want to see little mini-me’s. All of these reasons sound selfish to me, so if someone says I’m selfish for not having kids, I have a lot of counter-arguments for them. What works for you won’t work for me.
Awwwwwwww, isn’t that baby just the cutest time sucking, money grubbing bundle of poop you’ve ever seen? #TeamNoKids
It is amazing how much these small creatures create so much divide between a community. I must look further into this…
“…time sucking, money grubbing bundle of poop”
so basically, babies are tiny kardashians?
LMAO!!
With each passing day i become more apathetic to the idea of getting married or having babies. Marriage is still kinda in the running but having babies has never really been high on my list. At this point, i’m just like whatever happens, happens (as long as there’s a concrete idea of a plan behind it). If i get married and dude wants kids..then yeah probably. But i def don’t wanna be a single parent so if there’s no ring and commitment, i ain’t plannin on making any babies.
I felt the same way, and my husband coincidentally didn’t want kids. IUDs work, for 10+ years, so I’m in my forties and its just about too late. And I have no regrets.
I’m glad to hear you say you have no regrets. I’m 35 and never really wanted to have kids. Not even when I was married. Even now as the biological clock countdown has started I am still not on the kids bandwagon. I like my life and relationship the way it is now (he has a 17 yr old daughter). I think that having a kid could potentially F the whole thing up. People keep saying that I will regret it, but I don’t think that is true. Everyone is not meant to be parents. That’s not to say childless people wouldn’t do a good job, it just may be a personal preference. Besides, the planet is already overcrowded anyway. No need in adding to the problem. Just my opinion.
I love children and I’d love to have some of my own one day. I just shudder at the thought of +/-4 or so years (per child) of the screaming, crying, puking, shitty diapers, having to wake up in the middle of the night, etc you have to endure before you can actually start returning to some normalcy in ur own life. Not to mention the cost. I’m definitely in no rush. Plus I wanna do some more traveling first. #istanbul2012
so basically, you want to give birth to a 10 year old? sounds painful
Yeah u hit the nail on the head actually!!! Lol. Oh well, that’s what nannies are for
Babies are better than teenagers. I want to give them back when they hit 12.
Eh, maybe. I do see myself getting married, but kids, not so sure. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like anyone’s kids and I’m afraid I won’t even like my own. But at the same time who else is going to take care of me when I’m old and feeble? I know I’m not finished “having fun” yet and I haven’t gotten to the point in my career where I feel comfortable. I wouldn’t even consider it till mid 30s.
But at the same time who else is going to take care of me when I’m old and feeble?
obamacare
Not if the Republicans have anything to say about it! #teamgetoffyoassandvotedamnit
Just because you have kids doesn’t mean they will take care of you when you get old. Also I think going into parenthood thinking that is the tradeoff is a little selfish. My mom cared for her parents before they died and informed my sister and I that she would never do that to us. She would rather live in an old folks community because she feels it is too much to burden either of us with.
Most if not all of my friends have children or want them. I’m really the only person that would be just fine not having any. I work for Child Protective Services and I have too many kids to take care of now, so I’ve been against the idea of having my own. Literally like 3 weeks ago, I finally decided that I might wanna have kids someday. I definitely don’t want to have kids without being married. I’m starting to get use to the idea of having a mini-me and I think I’ll be a great parent. It’s just the timeline that bothers me. I have 4-5 more yrs of school to complete and I’m not even close to having a man, so if I don’t have any kids by 35, it’s a wrap!
My older daughter felt/feels the same way. She worked with kids in a before and after school program where she met her current bf. She said she was never having kids after working with them. I was laughing for days thinking ‘yeah, payback is hell, huh?’ LOL She will graduate next year and then she’s off to grad school. She ain’t thinking about kids and that’s cool with me. I still have one in elementary school! BTW, I had my last child at 36.
My last name is NOT Duggar! LOL
“BTW, I had my last child at 36.”
This is good news!
“Do you find that more and more people seem to be “Eh†about having children? Why do you think that is?”
There are many demographics associated with this question. The first is social status; that is not having kids is liberating to a younger generation. I’ve read that many places are banning children such as in restaurants and other places so that the childless ‘happy’ people can enjoy their time without screaming youngins interrupting their enjoyment.
Personally, I find that somewhat selfish, but at the same time understandable if a child is not being disciplined to behave appropriately in public places. And, let’s face facts, some ‘parents’ need parenting themselves!
“Also, how do you personally feel about being a parent?”
It is both a blessing and curse. lol… It is an amazing unconditional love. It is frightening. It is comforting. It is hilarious and sad. You go through every emotion you never thought you had worrying about these little people that grow up to become pain in the arse teenagers then adults whom treasure the lessons when momma was ‘hard’ on them. Sometimes I think I am a total phuck up as a parent and then one of my kids will say or do something that makes me think “maybe I did do something right.”
I don’t think there is any harder or more rewarding job than being a good parent. Perhaps this leads back to people not wanting kids because it is definitely a 24/7/365 day job.
I throw up the #BlackPowerFist to you, wonderful mother.
I have to agree with you on parts of this one. I was married, had children and now divorced. There are some things I have done in my life that if I had a do over, I would change. But having my children is not one of them. Having children don’t mean you can no longer party, you will just start attending different types of parties. And those parties will change as they grow older. The same goes for traveling, having children wont prevent that either. You will only start to visit different types of places. I think some adults are just selfish and need to stop looking at being a parent as a negative and concentrating on what you think your loosing and focus on what your gaining. Amazing unconditional love from another individual….(if you raise them right)
Same here. Married, children, divorced. I try to take a trip with them at least 1x/yr that usually includes camping, fishing, swimming, sight seeing, etc. I try to expose them to many activities, cultures, events as possible.
I have more problems with where to board my dogs than what to do with my kids on trips! You think kids are not welcome places? Pets are sometimes harder!
cosign x 2million
Its more incredible than I ever dreamed. My son is a teenager now and I am still in awe at his growth, in fear for his safety, in love with his spirit and annoyed because he constantly tapdances on my last nerve.
I couldn’t imagine being someone’s mom before I had him and I can’t imagine my life without him now.
My two cents for what its worth.
Great topic….
Absolutely I want kids, and my bread situation can handle it, I want a lot of the
with different women.The next 20 years the landscape is going to look crazy in the next 10, 20 years with our falling birthrate
“The next 20 years the landscape is going to look crazy in the next 10, 20 years with our falling birthrate”
you think it’s falling, though? perhaps it’s just falling with certain segments of the population
I had a daughter at 18 y/o and never did it again. As much as I love her, hell naw I won’t do it again. I see lil boys and think awww he so cute. But his lil ass is expensive and would cut into my international vacation time!!! And no matter what happens, people never agree on how to raise kids, not you, your mama, him, or his mama!!! Pure drama!!
You touched on an interesting point: ” And no matter what happens, people never agree on how to raise kids, not you, your mama, him, or his mama!!! Pure drama!!”
I’ve seen my parents and other’s argue on how to punish a child. Some parents want to ground the child and take his X-box away while the other thinks throwing the toaster at him will help him learn not to urinate on the neighbors cat. Then you have your parent’s talmbout “We didn’t do that in 1824.” Most couples can’t even agree on dinner.
I throw up the #BlackPowerFist for you, too, wonderful mother.
I am 29 year old black female and i want kids, I have always wanted kids and seeing as how my mate options arent happening, I am even plotting how to get in-vitro and a sperm donor by the time im at least 32…clock is ticking this eggs are going bad
I think you’ll see plenty of women doing this right alongside you. *nods*
Exactly. “Time waits for no man.” Literally.
For me, the thought of childbirth and the state of the economy and marriage have been two of the greatest factors in me NOT wanting to procreate. This past year I worked with pregnant women who all told me not to have children ever, ever, ever. I watched 6 births and the knowledge of what pregnancy and childbirth does to the body if fcuking scary. Them lil ninja’s straight up rob you of nutrients if you aren’t eating a healthy diet, it takes the body two years to completely repair from childbirth, and ugh listening to women complain about post-natal va-jayjay ain’t the sweetest sound in the world. The economy needs resurrecting and the forecast doesn’t look too pleasing. Plus I feel like marriage is a sham not only in this country but across the globe.
Damn, I sound cynical. Pardon me as I start my lonely-cat-lady-collection
*Sidenote* I think children are a blessing and that anyone bringing a child into the world is a brave person. Actually caring for the child and giving it the necessary tools to survive out of the nest makes you a BAWSE! But at this point in my life the above represents how I feel. Idk what I’ll think in 20 days or 10 years.
Yes, you do sound cynical. But you know what, women with children always always say either “wait as long as you can” or “don’t do it.” LOL That’s what they tell me! They love their kids to death, they’ll dote on them all day long but tell them you want some…they will set you straight. Although, lately I’ve been getting the “when you gonna have some” questions.
I wish y’all had a wider pool of women to listen to about it… there are many women having empowering birth experiences over and over again in this country and they’d encourage you to do the same.
Excatly, if your waiting to have enough money saved before you have a child the world is going to run out of people…..(LOL) Not every woman has a bad pregnacy.
@Chunk and MsDre,
Naw they didn’t have bad pregnancies, they just gave me raw truth. The irony in all of this is I love working in maternal care and will become a licensed Dula or mid-wife next year. But my desire to have children has diminished because of my field. Weird but true.
Mmm I am a midwife already… so I hear you but… there is also much truth in the fact that many women enjoy pregnancy, birth, and raising children.
yes; i know these women. but lemme tell you, i was SO glad to finally meet some women (and men) who were willing to be honest about parenting. they all love their kids to no end & wouldn’t trade ‘em for the world. HOWEVER, if they had known what they were getting into, many of the parents i know would have made different decisions about having kids.
“Them lil ninja’s straight up rob you of nutrients if you aren’t eating a healthy diet”
lol, this made me think of kenard from the wire for some reason
I’ve heard a doctor refer to a fetus as a deliberate parasitic infection.
my high school AP/IB biology teacher said the same exact thing. drew a chart on the chalkboard comparing parasites to fetuses & everything.
Right now, I’m not trying to have any kids. My nieces give me (energetic) Hell every time I vist my (oldest) sister’s house. Plus, I live in a community where everyone around my age bracket (17-25, and I’m 23) have been having kids from left-to-right, so I consider myself lucky (while having bad luck with the female race period).
At this point, I wanna be sure that I’m able to take care of myself before struggling to take care of a family. Trust and believe, I’m not having the child out of wedlock and I have no intentions of having another dude raise my children.
You are a smart young man. Don’t have kids until you can afford to take care of yourself, your kids and your wife who’ll be on maternity leave without a full salary. If more people understood that, we’d all be much better off. You won’t believe how fast money flies out of your wallet until you have kids.
THIS. I’m trying to figure out an at home hustle for just that purpose.
“You won’t believe how fast money flies out of your wallet until you have kids.”
This!!!!
I can’t even keep loose spare change anymore since my daughter.. But I wouldn’t have it any other way tho.
Wait until I have
Champ, you are an effin’ rock star indeed!
“What man hasn’t fantasized about having a Mini-Me following him around, mimicking him, and generally just always thinking that he’s biggest and best person on Earth?” That feeling lasts three, maybe four years when they can really talk. When you don’t have the right cereal in the right bowl in the morning, you are no longer the smartest guy on the planet.
You think women fuss about little stuff? Wait until you have a kid! “Mommy, not THOSE pajamaaaas. They’re not the Friday night pajamaaaaas.” “Daddeeeeeeey, the RED racing car. The one with the big wheels. Can’t you remember?” It’s when they’re asleep in bed looking all angelic that you appreciate them most. And you’ve made it through another day without putting your foot in their behind.
I laughed when I read that its the father who is learning what happens if he doesn’t remember which pajamas the child likes every night.
I want kids but in the far far future(hey I’m in my early-mid 20s). What kills me is how ppl just jump into having kids. Kids are expensive, time consuming, and wreck havoc on a woman’s body(sometimes irreversible).Do ppl actually factor in how expensive kids are? Bump food and clothes, how abt daycare? That muther is expensive.Or missing work because your child is sick and having to pay expensive doctor bills. It really boggles my mind when I see ppl on Facebook 23yrs old with 2 or 3 kids.I do believe there would be less ppl in this world if they sat down and weigh how stressful having kids can be.
Daycare is hella expensive! Want a new car? Forget that. You gon’ be your same ride for like 10yrs! LOL On top of being expensive, you have to worry about how the daycare people are treating your child. When I first went back to work after leaving my ex, I put my son in daycare for the first time full-time. I picked him up one day and they hadn’t changed his diaper in hours! He developed a urine burn on his leg from the wet diaper. I had to give him a sids bath and then I tore into the daycare director. The child had never had as much as a diaper rash. I was livid. This biotch called child protective services on me trying to cover her arse! I filed a complaint with state licensing and the parent company of the child care center. I’ve had a time with some child care workers and I’ve had others that were absolutely wonderful. You have to really be careful where you leave your child. Not that this isn’t apparent, but I would whoop someone’s arse for phucking with my kids. Mama bear don’t play when it comes to her kids.
I’m 24 and I’m staunchly opposed to the idea of marriage and kids. I love being able to live life selfishly and I’m doing my best to avoid things that would impede that. I don’t know what the future holds but I know what I want.
Thats respectable.
Enjoy! Parenthood ain’t for everyone.
I’m ambivalent about kids. To all those who think its selfish for women not to have kids, are those same people going to get up with you for 3am feedings? What about doctor bills? Are they going to help you pay those? Babysit? Handle temper tantrums? No? Then I guess I have to look out for my self then, lol.
I have chronic health issues that I’m not 100 percent sure I want to pass down to any children ….plus, I haven’t met a man who has inspired me enough to want to go through that kind of agonizing pain. Not saying it won’t happen….it just hasn’t happened…yet. But if it doesn’t, guess what? If God keeps waking me up in the morning….I’m going to do what he has called me to do…..keep right on’ living.
I’m ambivalent about kids. To all those who think its selfish for women not to have kids, are those same people going to get up with you for 3am feedings? What about doctor bills? Are they going to help you pay those? Babysit? Handle temper tantrums? No? Then I guess I have to look out for my self then, lol.
My feelings exactly!
+1
On the young and hopeful end of the spectrum, I would love to have kids one day. I’d also like to be married, but the two aren’t mutually inclusive.
My age, economic situation, and relationship stand still are not going to let me be great with a baby though and so…
Until then, I’ll stick with watching other people’s kids…from a distance.
Crappy people have children hoping that they’ll turn out better than them. It doesn’t matter what their personal circumstance is, they have the kids to give themselves hope. (Selfish) Sad thing is, they bestow their crappiness on the child and the cycle of crapdom continues. Awesome people don’t have kids because they’re already awesome and they don’t want to have kids unless they can ensure that they are emotionally, financially, and physically capable of making sure that their kids are awesomer. (Unselfish)
“Perhaps I should reconsider this child having thing to see if I can create something even awesomer than me.”
Kanye moment?
Co-no-mothereffin-sign. This is the main reason I did not want kids. If I can’t provide a situation up to my standards for what my child would deserve, I’m not going to do it. Getting by and good enough is not good enough.
Not to say that those who are making the best of imperfect situation are not heros. They are. But I don’t have one good reason to bring a human being into a less than ideal home.
Champ you brought up a few points on the sly which need to be brought more to the light. Most folks who attend your parties understand the “total cost of ownership” associated with paying back student loans, saving for a house, wedding costs, attempting to advance up the career ladder, and maintaining your current lifestyle (if not trying to step it up) Then add a child with healthcare, childcare, activities, and funding college
DANGIT!!!!! Hit post by accident. More to come.
Do you find that more and more people seem to be “Eh†about having children?
I think roughly the same frequency of folks are meh about having children.
Why do you think that is?
Because people are schizophrenic about fantasies, non-fantasies and reality.
Example: Alot of people place having within confines of a marriage.
Reality: Single people are slanging. Somebody in that group will get pregnant and end up a single parent or a co-parenting parent.
Also, how do you personally feel
about being a parent?
I was psyched to become a parent since day one. My child is young, gifted and Black. Other people’s kids smell weird. Parenthood isn’t for us, it’s for the kids, man. If you are already a parent, be brave. lol If you’re ambivalent, or adamantly
for team no children, be diligent. lol
#BlackPowerFist goes to you wonderful mother.
Champ you brought up a few points on the sly which need to be brought more to the light. Most folks who attend your parties understand the “total cost of ownership” associated with paying back student loans, saving for a house, wedding costs, attempting to advance up the career ladder, and maintaining your
current lifestyle (if not trying to step it up) Then add a child with healthcare, childcare, activities, private school (possibly ) and funding college. The rent may be too damn high.
I’m married with two sons and I break into a cold sweat when people ask me about trying for a girl; not because I wouldn’t love her. I don’t think the current household would truly like the reallocation of resources necessary to make it happen.
I love everything about this post. Especially the self-interview. Genius.
I have 1 kid & he graduates from college this term. YEAH!! And anyone that has kids can say honestly, its work. Oh, you love the dickens out your kid….sun rise, sun set, moon rises all over them…etc. But its blood, sweat, tears type of work that can leave you sleepless & crackhead crazy because it’s a child you love & want the world for them & keeping food/clothes/shelter for yourself can be stressful enough; add a child=Def Con 5
Thankfully, I’m fertile & healthly enough to have another child this close to 40. And have a man that has a child & would like more…sometime. As in not now but at a later date before my ovum get dusty.
So being eh on having kids seems like a smart thing for some folks. The state of schools, the sickos, the hoodrats/outta control kiddies of others. Plus the current economic climate, better to just wait.
Wow- I’ve often felt alone in feeling “meh” about kids so it’s interesting to hear that I’m not at all alone in this. I’ve known forever that I was disinterested in childrearing. At age 16 I told a male cousin that I did not want to have kids, and he flat out told me that I would “never meet a man who did not want to have children” (Lucky for me I have met such a man!). What’s funny is that he’s now 35 and married and feeling very “meh” about having kids.
I think that our generation is lucky enough to have a “choice” in this matter. What I mean is that we have moved beyond the idea of finding a marriage partner in college, getting married right after college, and starting a family soon after as many of our parents did. I believe that the longer you are single and see how grand life can be without children, the less likely you are to take the plunge. I think that young married couples don’t know any better (about the grand life) and are likely to add kids to the mix before they experience the grand life. Older couples seem more likely to put their resources together and use them for travel etc, and perhaps spend more time focused on the relationship and enjoying one another. I look forward to a childless married life.
Many of my friends are in the same situation as I- right around 30, single on paper, careers, and no kids. It’s a little surprising because I often hear men seeking women without kids; I know several. With that being said, I think we all want to have kids. I think many of us just didn’t want to have them when we weren’t married and since none of us are [except one who has been married and divorced a few times] there are no kids.
It may be easier to say “eh” than to to say “yes, I hear my clock ticking in my dreams.” Additionally, with more young black folks getting money, you will see traditional American yuppie syndrome. We get very self-involved with our condo/long weekend/luxury car lifestyles and kids require one not to be so self-involved.
I love cute little babies and I love the idea of having kids. I don’t love the idea of all my damn money going towards diapers and daycare. [I often imagined myself simply opening a daycare once I was pregnant so that I could forgo many of the expenses and write off all the baby stuff.] I’m not looking forward to sleepless nights. I’m a wreck without 8 hours. I also am not looking forward to having my body ripped open [am I supposed to be cool with that because I'm a woman?] I recognize this is selfish as hell. I’m working on it.
With all the stuff I see my hating about having a child, every person I know with a child is overjoyed and says it changed their lives. Obviously there’s a piece I won’t see until I’m there. I also am not sure I want my life so changed right now.
First-time poster!!!! – are you proud of me Champ?????
I guess I’m in the minority because I can’t wait to get married and have kids (in that order lol)!!! I’m also a young professional and LOVE to travel…so I know having children will definitely interfere w/ that…but I’m completely fine w/ that! I just never even considered not getting married and having children.
As a parent, let me dispel the myth that you cannot travel with kids.
If you are very organized, and get them used to trains, planes, automobiles, children adapt. Children are very resilient. I’ve flown planes with my child since he was a baby. He’s a great traveler because he doesn’t know any different, and because his mama loves adventures.
Lucky kid.
You rock 8)
If I have kids I’ll be that mom! I’ve traveled all over and notice couples on trips with there well behaved children, it makes me cling to hope. Then I want to slap some parents. Your five year old running up and down the aisle on the train screaming because he wants cookies and spitting in people (true story) is not cute. Not now, not ever. But I’ve seen more well behaved kids than little demons so Imma keep the hope alive.
Co-sign. My kids and I have traveled nationally and internationally. We’ve done cars, planes and boats. Haven’t been on a train yet, but hoping to plan a trip on one. My son absolutely loves to fly and enjoys getting on a plane by himself. We pack snacks and electronics to keep everyone busy while in route. Which is sad in a way because I remember back in the day when you actually had these bingo card games as you traveled to check off signs and things you’d see on the road. You actually got to see the country! Now it’s not so much the journey, but the destination if you don’t make them put those things away.
Yep, my daughter is on her 2nd passport..
She’s been traveling since she was 3yrs old.
I was really feeling this post and had to come out the woodwork and respond.
I’m not on #teamnokids (in fact I’m lucky enough to be happily married with a 9 month old son), but I do have friends who have been. What I wonder about is that fact that in our demographic (educated, 20-somethings to 30-somethings, successful, cultured) feels so strongly about not having kids, waiting until way later in life to have them, or if they finally do they have 1.
The ratio of people with sense having kids is being far outweighed by people with no sense having kids. Comedian Joe Rogan actually did a skit on smart people simply no longer procreating and the world being run by morons. Is there any obligation to contribute to society by having kids? I don’t know. But what I do know is that my son is AWESOME stinky diapers and 3am wakeups and all and I wouldn’t trade him for anything.
Long time lurker but I had to come out of hiding and agree with you. I am a happily married (10 years) and the mother of two kids I adore. I guess by the time I graduated college and got married at 24 I had got all my running “wild” out of my system. However, my husband and I didn’t have our first child until 5 years into our marriage. Which I recommend for anyone newly married.
Now don’t get me wrong it takes a lot of HARD work to raise kids and it isn’t for everyone. But isn’t everything in life worth having going to take some effort and sleepless nights?
I don’t knock anyone for how they feel and it’s probably best to be for sure you want kids than to end regretting the decision.
“Now don’t get me wrong it takes a lot of HARD work to raise kids”
It’s the work…why would I want even MORE work than I already have? LOL It just sounds tiring.
LOL, I get where you are coming from and it can be tiring. But for me the work in raising my kids is more rewarding than any other thing I have accomplished in my life.
Up until I got pregnant with my first I was at the point where I did not care if I ever had kids. My husband and I were doing our thing and really enjoying ourselves. But as cliche as it sounds once I laid eyes on my son I was in love and all that other stuff didn’t really matter anymore.
I really think it comes down to if you see having kids as a positive or negative. If you see it as tiring,work, a job with no benefits or return on the investment (lol) then it is probably best to not have them. And I for one don’t knock anyone that feels that way.
@ WIP
There’s joy in that work. I look at my boys and to see some of the seeds my wife and I planted (manners, etc.) Manifest itself….I struggle to put it into words
The ratio of people with sense having kids is being far outweighed by people with no sense having kids”
lol I agree. Ignorant people stay having kids while my friends who got it together remain childless and none want more than 2
I don’t know if its the economy, we all know somebody who going thru it with theirs or perhaps this generation’s reluctance to grow up, but most people 21-25 i know either have a kid or two or have no intentions of having any. I find myself talking to a lot more Superaunts and (self proclaimed) Godmothers, yet I do want kids, “wait until i get my money right” -Yeezy. I guess that’s how a lot of the educated feel, they want a set life before having kids and if it doesnt happen, Welp. Meanwhile, the ratchet dont seem to care and continue to breed….its a shame.
“Meanwhile, the ratchet dont seem to care and continue to breed….its a shame.”
This. All day. Most of the people I know who never went to college, can hardly keep a job, ain’t never been married, and/or stay in and outta jail have MULTIPLE children – in many cases by different baby daddies and baby mommas. Meanwhile, I can count on one hand the number of close friends I have who are educated and also have children. :-/ Makes me wonder what black ppl are gonna be lookin’ like in the next 10-20 yrs.
I’m still waiting for the NBA Draft in 10 years to be announcing names like Qu’draion and Darealyst lol
lol @ darealyst
iCry @ those jacked up Facebook and Myspace names.
Rent the movie “Idiocracy”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiocracy
See that right there is some motivation to not bring more kids into the world. The sane’ll never out-breed the ratchet! LOL
Have you seen the movie “Idiocracy?” Highly recommended.
No I haven’t seen it, but given two recommends on one post it looks like I’mma have to hit my Netflix up for that one.
I ABSOLUTELY want to have kids!!! Having kids is really the main reason I want to get married…which may also explain why I’m not yet married. lol
But, the last two guys I seriously dated didn’t want to have kids so womp womp. There may be some truth to what you’re saying. IDK – what’s a girl to do?
I feel comfortable reading about so many other ppl that are still holding on to their dreams and ambitions…(children can tear a hole in your soul)
I barely make enough to take care of myself and havent traveled the world yet…kids are for suckas(but make great tax write offs).
And I thought I was cynical. This post made me smirk.
I don’t know if this has been discussed but one female friend of mine is in that same boat. She has one child about 13 or 14 and the thing with her is that she doesn’t want to be a single mother again. It’s not about a child…..It’s about raising it alone. I think that’s the main fear. The media got black women thinking that black men will not stay around for kids…..so why go have them. The sad thing is that socially we need more kids with college educated parents. I know that sounds a little jacked up but you have someone who has 4 kids who’s kids may not graduate HS cuz their in an economic hardship their whole life and it’s not impossible, but more difficult and the college educated woman is too concerned with her career whether married or not. Of course I’m making blanket statements but just for the sake of making a point. It’s not a good look for the future and all the “successful” black women having somebody to marry or to procreate.
On raising kids alone: I have 3 of them and left my ex. I never wanted to raise my kids alone either. I wanted them to have a father in the home, but I had to make a choice. Let me tell ya, it hasn’t been easy, but it is what it is and I have survived. You develop amazing management, organizational and resourceful skills. I didn’t ever envision being a single parent, but that’s what happened. Instead of being fearful of it, I’ve tried to make the best of the situation and roll with it.
You know, Nilla, I notice that there are a number of adult children who love their mothers dearly for the sacrifices she made, and the hard work she put into taking care of her family without the father there. I’m with you on this 100%
For some reason, I’m just not very enthusiastic about having children. Maybe that mindset will change if I ever marry. I just know that I have no intention of doing this by myself – I’d like for my children to be born to married parents, even if we don’t stay married. However, I won’t exactly feel worthless if I never have kids. My sisters have enough.
I’m about 10 yrs older than most of the folk Champ talked to and probably only about 50-60% my friends from school have kids now. I’m in that minority myself and have had an ambivalent attitude about having them personally. Interestingly, among the well educated 2520 who I interact with the percentage who have kids is much higher.
On another note, I just think some of us are too smart for our own good. We think about money, education etc. and we’re turned off. My parents had 5 kids in the 80s, by today’s standards they were effin wildin. There were struggles of course but at the end of the day they made it work, they pulled off Christmases, vacations, and college educations. That’s the kind of courage I want. Children are expensive, they alter lifestyles, and given the quality of parenting these days they’re likely to have some really really poor choices in friends. But at the end of the day im not afraid and i embrace the challenge
I agree. My folks raised ten children (they weren’t all my siblings. Just got ratchet fam who would forget their kids for years on our doorstep) on less than $30,000, without governmental assistance, AND as immigrants to the US. Of the ten off us 8 have graduated or will graduate college and the little two are bout to finish high school. My parents were faaaaaaaar from perfect but they tried and threathened to send us to Haiti. Look at me now! i’m collecting debt… thinking I’m the ish.
They were OG’s for what they contiually do in our lives. And I’m not half as brave as they are.
But, see: both of y’all mention parentS. That ‘S’ means something. They had the help and support of another person. Raising kids in a partnership is IMHO a whole other ballgame to (and yes, I’m cynical) doing so alone.
I want to have one or two kids, and would like to adopt. Sometimes, given the “state of the world” I wonder about whether or not it’s fair to bring an unsuspecting child in to deal with all that they will have to deal with. On the other hand, I do feel like I could create a loving home and stable environment for someone who doesn’t have one. I’ve heard that adoption can be hard, but I’m not (too) afraid of the challenge.
“We don’t want to have kids because those little motherf*ckers will slow us down.”
We know the truth. We know that having kids changes everything. Have you ever waited for a parking space while a parent is loading their kid into the car? I haven’t in years because once I see it, I know it will take 20 minutes for the parking space to free-up.
We don’t feel obligated either. And women, we realize we have a choice. We don’t have to turn our lives over to children if we don’t want to. Don’t even get me started about the financial burden. Yes, burden. Do y’all the cost of daycare on the East Coast? It’s not a game. If you have done the ‘right’ things, there aren’t programs to help you cover expenses. You got married? You are both working? Eff you! Figure out how to pay that $800-$1200+ a month on your own.
Lastly, we are comfortable with our selfishness. That is, when older generations or even our child producing cohorts call us selfish for not wanting to share all we have, we don’t care. Again, we don’t feel obligated. For me, I’m over 30, unmarried, without children, and I believe that other people have had more than enough kids to cover what I’m not doing.
“We know the truth. We know that having kids changes everything. Have you ever waited for a parking space while a parent is loading their kid into the car?”
This made me LOL. I agree, we know kids change everything and I’d bet many of us are too comfortable to upturn everything in our lives on the word of others that it will be worth it.
” Have you ever waited for a parking space while a parent is loading their kid into the car? I haven’t in years because once I see it, I know it will take 20 minutes for the parking space to free-up. ”
LOL I’m too impatient and organized for that mess. Those parents inspired me to be a fast load and unloader of child into and out of car. Many Americans carry too much stuff when we have kids. We are spoiled. All I needed was a diaper bag or large purse with diapers formula already in the bottle, wipes and one toy and one blanket. Thats it. Click baby in, click baby out.
Parents think they need movies in the car, headphones. No, the child can learn to appreciate what he sees out the window. Eating in the car, car messy. Some parents are lazy about cleaning that car good!
Let me shut up. lol
“I believe that other people have had more than enough kids to cover what I’m not doing.”
Exactly.
“No one, I repeat, NO ONE wants to have kids”
Ya know — and I knew this way back in the corner of my mind that folks would be right when they told me this as a kid — but, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve actually seriously considered the possibility of having children. If you woulda asked me even a few years ago, I woulda blurted out THEE most emphatic, “NAWL!” if you asked me. In fact, “nawl” woulda been followed by… “never!” Like, I was firm on that stance. However, I do see at least one in the future. Fingers crossed for a boy (which is mostly because I can be rough with him and wrestle more so than I could for a girl… then again, a mini-cheeks would be rough and stuff WITH afro-puffs)!
Then again, if I have a kid now, it WOULD be a boy. And he would be Jesus. No, he wouldn’t be NAMED Jesus, he’s actually BE Jesus. But yeah, do want one in the future… definitely not ready now.
“We don’t want to have kids because those little motherf*ckers will slow us down.”
Pretty much. And maybe I’d be a bit more lenient if I had already “made it” in my dream biz, but I haven’t yet… it’s already gonna be a long road to get there ALONE, so I can’t even imagine if I had to tag along an ankle-biter. So while I do dream of the days when I get to see a little me (and him) running around (because seriously… nothing much makes me swoon more than seeing the parents’ subtle mannerisms displayed in their child) one day… that day shole ain’t TOday.
“because seriously… nothing much makes me swoon more than seeing the parents’ subtle mannerisms displayed in their child”
One day driving home I saw a lady walking somewhere with her baby (maybe 4). The woman had a scarf on, the baby had a scarf one. The lady had a little funny walk, the baby was wobbling right behind her. The lady wipes her head to wipe off sweat. The little girl wiped her sweat on her forehead. It was the cutest sh*t ever.
YAAAASSSS!
LOL, although I’m not sure I want a mini-me. I’m a weirdo. My kid has to be cooler than me.
Weird is the new cool. It was typed.
….and thus it shall come to pass.
Your child has to come into the world saying she groove like dat, she smoov like that, she jive like dat, she roll like dat lol
i knew i didnt want to have kids when i was a teen but couldnt afford the “snip”. i had my vasectomy at 26 years old and have never looked back. People ask with me being 35 and not married with no kids what made me do it and i tell them “i just dont want to be responsible for another humans life”. I make women aware of this off the break before the first date. ive found with meeting new women in and around the dc area its pretty mixed some want kids some dont.
the funniest thing about not having kids at 35 i must say also is the comments from sistas. “you 35 with no kids is ya d*ck broke? are you gay?” really ladies?! because i dont have kids yet?
That is a shame that they tell you that! No kids means that all your money is yours. (other than the IRS’s)
And also sad because gay people want to have children and are having them in droves. If you were gay you wouldn’t need to meet, flirt with, date women in order to have kids.
exactly….if i was gay why would i have approached the woman in public to start with
blame their undercover pastor
i get that ALL the time. moreso from my clients & their parents. as if there is something wrong with me because i CHOSE to make sure i didn’t bring anyone into this world unwanted. miss me with that.
It’s AMAZING how people react when you’re over 30 and have no kids. Like there is something wrong with you. Actually it’s borderline annoying. My closest friends have been around since we were 12 (we’re mid 30s now) and none of us have kids. You would think we were a circus sideshow the way people look at us when we say that like having kids is the end all be all to life. I don’t have anything against kids. I have a niece and god-daughter that I love dearly, but I also like to take them home at the end of the day. I have a great life in my opinion. I have wonderful lifelong friends, a man who loves me for who I am, an interesting family, and a job that I love. I don’t feel that I need anything more to be complete.
Every time I meet a girl who says she’s “not sure” if she wants kids I have a wtf reaction. To me that’s like saying you don’t like a cool breeze on a hot summer’s day, or you don’t think Pam looked looked good as hell in tight jeans on Martin. Like what kind of Stalinist ascetic are you?
“not sure” translates to:
I’m not sure I want the emotional/parental/financial committment they require.
I’m not sure that you won’t leave me to raise your child without your half of the parenting deal.
I don’t like kids and don’t want them and don’t know how to tell you this firmly.
Great topic. I am also over 30, unmarried and uninterested in being a parent. I do want to be married, though–but finding (Black) men in my age group who neither have nor want children is a tall order. It’s not that I had a bad childhood or worry about my ability to parent well–I just look at the world and how effed up it is, and I shudder at the thought of raising a person in this mess.
Ever since I was little I always wanted babies. Lots and lots and lots of babies. 5 at minimum. I come from a big family, 24 nieces and nephews, and I lived in the house with 7 of them. I especially love babies. I like when they cry and being the one that soothes them. I like to watch them grow up (three are going off to college next year). I even more like seeing their creativity, genius, and potential.
But in all my day dreams I never imagined a husband in the picture. I realized lately that I will say without a second thought “I want a baby”, but I RARELY say “I want a husband”.
For all those people second-guessing having kids, I would say that there’s something special in showing a tiny tot that sacrificial part of yourself that you seldom let show. I think it’s beautiful.
“I especially love babies. I like when they cry and being the one that soothes them.”
there’s a special place in heaven for people like you.
I was just like that! And now I’m a single mother lol, and in hindsight, I guess the writing was kind of already on the wall there, although I did try to make things work with my daughter’s dad.
Now, I don’t want to raise another kid by myself. Probably because I am older and think more rationally now. It is really hard. But I feel so blessed to have my daughter.
I still love kids and I know what you mean about babies! Holding a baby and making them feel safe and loved is just such an amazing feeling, and like when I feed a baby and they just stare into my eyes with that intense look on their face, I feel like all is right with the world, and I know there is a god.
And I am sure there is a special place in heaven for people like us, probably heaven’s daycare center…
Guess what I’m doing today? Not a damn thing because I don’t have kids to look after. I’m 26 and I could care less about having children. Kids are ok but it wouldn’t ruin my life if I weren’t to have any. I’m comfortable living the way I live instead of having to worry about someone elses life. Another reason I stay childless is because children are expensive- I only have to work 2 days a week and I like it like that. I also don’t have to plan my life around someone or call around for babysitters when I wanna go out and have fun or vacation. And if you do decide to have children you gotta make sure its by the right person because that can cause other stressful life situations (and the problem with that is you never know if they are a good person to breed with or not beforehand). But I feel I would be a great mother though if I were to slip up and get pregnant and I wouldn’t be too upset over it (ok maybe a little).
Your first two sentences MURKED me!!!
So, I’m 26 and I have a 12 year old. *pause* Yes, I had her when I was 14. I honestly believe it was one of the best things that happened to me. I know I am who I am today because of her. However, I made the decision years ago that I will not be having anymore children. Point. Blank. Period. I love being a parent to the one child that I have, but I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Parenthood requires lots of time, energy, understanding, patience and selflessness and it’s not for everybody- with or without a partner. Better tp realize that now, rather than later.
I’ve recently started dating again and I was quite surprised by the amount of men who see not wanting children as a “deal breaker.” I’d love to get married one day, but if children are apart of that deal, I’m content with being single.
I think it’s cuz yall always see no matter what, that it always falls back on the woman…..I never wanted to be the type to be a baby daddy. I am now but I have my child probably over half the time. Don’t care at all. I’d take a house full. Yes money stresses me sometimes but it’s worth it. Now I’m 35 with a 7 year old and I want to be married and have more. So yes it would be a deal breaker. Just like you know what you want. Some brothers actually do want children and plan to raise them as well. Not trying to change your mind just saying that you can’t blame a brother. Glad you know where you are and hopefully you’ll get what you desire…..but don’t be surprised if it’s with an older man.
That is what I respect about men — if they don’t find what they are looking for in a woman, they cut their losses and keep moving until they find what they want.
I often hear of a woman in a relationship with a man who wants kids when she doesn’t, or in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want kids when she does.
Rarely do I hear of a man continuing to stick with a relationship with a woman who doesn’t want children when he wants them.
Of course, when a woman wants children and he doesn’t and never did, she ends up pregnant. Blame it on the man not getting that vasectomy before entering in any dating or relationship!
I was at a wedding and noticed the men’s eyes on all of us women standing to catch the bouquet. I announced my intentions when I kept my arms crossed. I also avoid men who affectionately rub my belly (and I have a flat stomach!).
I’m not adding kids to the mix right now while I am single and already parenting one child. Now if I was in a serious relationship, nose wide open, and he said he wants children, I would welcome another child into our committed union with open arms.
As much as I joke about other people’s kids smelling funny to me, I would welcome stepchildren with open arms. My being open to another relationship means my being open to the children that join that union with their dad.
I have nothing but respect for a man that knows what he wants, so I’m fine with the deal breaker. Funny you say that about older men, my ex was 15 years older than me and he still wanted more kids. I can’t win, lol.
@ Mr. Footeus if you take care of and have your child half of time then don’t demean yourself by using the “baby daddy” connotation. I think that should only be reserved for those fools that walk away like they never created a child. As you probably already know it is 100% possible to be a good father and live in a different house. In fact sometimes that is better than staying with the mother just for the sake of the kids. Side note – my aunt stayed in a loveless marriage for the kids, status, whatever and their kids are some messed up MFers.
I know I’m a little off topic, but I don’t think that delineation is a one size fits all tag. There are some really good dads out there who just happen to live down the street.
“I’d love to get married one day, but if children are apart of that deal, I’m content with being single.”
Let’s find you a fellow single father, then. Someone who has already been there, done that.
See, I can work with that
So as long as the kid is walking, talking, cleaning and feeding itself, lol
thats actually wise, beause babies can indicate that it is not that long ago that dude was enmeshed with the child’s mother, body, mind and soul.
well I have a child, and I tied my tubes for my birthday this year. Im one and done. and I know the main reason for my decision is part selfishness and part fear. Its hard to really raise a child. the patience, dedication and MONEY it takes is staggering. Anyone that claims its easy or “not that hard” ain’t doing it right. And hell if if its hard you still might not be doing it right. I also don’t trust the world that my child is growing up in, Ive lost a lot of faith in people in general, to say I’m seriously concerned about the state of the world my child is and will grow up in is an understatement. and also hell at some point I want to ball out of control and kids are expensive. i want to be able to retire before 80 and they way college tuition is rising, lol that aint gone happen if i keep having kids.
I think a lot about the financial aspect. If you think about the salary it takes to support a full time employee, I bet that it takes at least that much per year to raise a child. I’ve flirted with the idea of being a choice mom, but once I thought about te financial burden, I killed that idea.
I have to say the financial aspect is in a tie with the responsibility for my reasons not to have kids right now. I’m thinking though. I think that’s selfish but it’s so real. All the little extra will be gone. Major bummer.
I am engaged and my fiancee and I talk about this a lot. We know we would be awesome parents and we are the favorite relatives of all of our nieces, nephews, and baby cousins but we are still undecided if we will have them ourselves. For me I am the youngest in a family of 6 and damn near helped raise all of my sibling’s high school mistakes, and my fiance is a social worker in the NICU at Grady hospital (county hospital in Atlanta) so the fantasy of what having kids is like, is completely gone for the both of us. On the other hand my fiancee is her mother’s only child so if she doesn’t have kids her mom wont get to be a grandmother and that really matters to my fiancee and I would also love to have a little mini me. So I completely relate to this article.
This is making me sad. I’m always pro child-free living for the individual… but to see it collectively… to see the vast majority completely opting out… makes me so.entirely.sad.
It’s like… if it’s a few folks, it’s a personal choice…. if it’s an entire population, it’s cultural suicide.
IDK bout the stats now but Japan had a birth rate of -1% a while back. I sometimes think the US will become Japan one day. Women and men are pushed to work so hard that they suspend having children till later. Later becomes never. It makes me think about the next 25 years but doesn’t make me sad.
Why do you see it as cultural suicide? I think that is an interesting choice of words.
Well, no one (hyperbole for rhetorical effect) is having sex in Japan too. The men feel the women are too materialistic. And the women feel the men are punks. We’ll continue to have children here because we can’t stop smacking our loins against one another.
” We can’t stop smacking our loins against one another.”
Loins! lmao this needs to be a facebook/twitter status
True, I shouldn’t feel quite so sad about it because people who haven’t become accustomed to the lifestyle Champ talked about will probably keep reproducing at “normal” rates. Sigh. (That’s not a “I wish Jaheim and Teesha would stop having babies” sigh- it’s a “I hope they don’t end up being the _only_ ones having babies” sigh.)
“cultural suicide” is a little strong, but still- if a culture does not reproduce, it dies… seems pretty straightforward to me.
Chunk, I think you have it right. We are talking cultural suicide.
My parents were divorced when I was five, and my mother raised me alone with help from her parents. In fact, I was handed off to my grandparents when my mother tried marriage #2.
Watching my mother try to raise me alone brought me to my mantra of no ring = no kids. I was married but it didn’t last, and although I wanted to try again, that didn’t happen. I was never gaga to have kids, but I always thought it was a possibility if I was in a good marriage.
I’ve thought for a while now that ninjas don’t seem all that interested in getting hitched (too many options, becky preoccupation, etc.), so that means no kids for me. If the ratchet and unattached are the only only ones reproducing, well, there are many ways to commit genocide on a population. Think about it.
I’m so thankful for your comment Chunk because I had that exact same sentiment swirling around in my gut as I read the comments. I had no idea so many people felt like this. It’s truly a shock and it makes me sad as well.
I feel you on that. And like I put in my comment. These aren’t the knuckle heads that don’t want anything to do with life. These are the college educated young black professionals. If these folks don’t reproduce, then there will most likely be fewer black kids going to college. I think the numbers are already suffering. I think we got it backwards………Some of us made it out only to say whew…….Glad we made it…..I have one son and I plan on more one day and them all going to college and doing something to change this “jacked up world” everybody is talking about they are living in. It’s like they gave up.
I think parenthood has lost it’s luster. I know in my two parent household I was always taught the importance of being the man of the house and taking care and raising my family, with children having children these days I doubt that is what’s being passed on from child(parent) to child(child).
That is the reason why I’m always thrilled to meet people whose parents raised them well and with the value of being conscientious people in order to raise conscientious kids. To me, that is normal, and what falls outside of that isn’t.
I can’t entertain the thought of a relationship with a man who comes from a household that thinks men ain’t shit and could care less what he is doing with his life and/or a household where his parents chose not to parent or resent parenting.
I just wouldn’t think his family would fit with my family because my father isn’t missing and my mother and aunts do not sit around talking about men ain’t shyt. My father’s friends are mostly married men who have remained so for many years–so they reject the notion that men don’t have value and parenthood doesn’t have value. To them, a measure of their success other than supporting their family is the health and thriving of their family. To have a family and everyone is healthy is their measure of success. And in some ways, for some people, being unsure about having a family means being unsure that you can provide for the family AND stick around through major ups and downs in the face of events that can make life challenging while you are invested in your family and relatioship.
Both of my parents are from the south and almost since birth I was made to understand that the most important thing in life is family and that the MOST important thing a REAL man can do is to protect, cherish, provide for and love his family. The idea or notion that man abandon’s his family or doesn’t want a family is beyond me and one that I just can’t grasp; while I do not knock those that don’t share the same values regarding family that I do, I just don’t understand. Not having a child is not going to be the end of my life but I know and have known for a long time now that I wanted to be a father.
i appreciate that. i don’t hear many men say what you just said.
I think it is because having both parents present in your life makes you feel like you can be just as loyal and committed to the person/people you love. If your father or mother left your life and never or rarely returned, how do you develop the feeling of attachment to people in relationships, be it love relationships or parent-child relationships? Without a history of being nurtured by mother love and without father love, it becomes easy to abandon your blood.
People don’t like talking about the legacy of slavery but when a man doesn’t feel he is of value to his family and to his children, and feels he cannot provide for them, and has a history of his parents physically or emotionally abandoning him to fend for himself, he learns to resent and not feel any attachment to the parent who is missing from his life by their own choices.
I’ve seen boys and girls take out their anger on the parent who is present, because the parent who is not in their life is sorely missed & because the child needs to feel that parent’s physical presence in order to feel like their own existence is important.
The most dangerous man for a woman to date or marry is a man who has no friends, no attachments to his parents and family except for his feelings of anger and resentment towards them. A man who tells her point blank he is not a relationship person, doesn’t do relationship stuff and only wants to kick it with her is telling her about his lack of attachments and unwillingness to make deep connections with people. It can also mask a man who is liable to beat her azz because he doesn’t like how he feels when he thinks about how his parents let him down.
(Sidenote, he/him can be substituted for she/her as there are also women who do not form attachments with people due to having parents who barely formed attachments with them.)
I also have a “meh” attitude about birthin babies. I am not anxious to be pregnant and have a baby destroy my body (time will do it eventually, but not as fast). But, if all the conditions fall into pace, I’d ake one for the team, just as long as future-hubby doesn’t trip off an expanded nose, saggy skin, and stretch marks.
In terms of legacy, about 5 years from now I will have minted new Ph.D.’s and taught/trained legions of student scientists. How much more procreative can one get?
I think a lot of recent college grads and young professionals look at having and raising children as a business venture, is my time worth the return I will eventually get, what will I have to sacrifice and change in order to make this grow etc…
Yes, because we feel that if our child fails at the major things in life, we have failed. And also because we are not that far removed from generations of people who struggled and didnt go to college, that we feel an obligation to make sure our children suceed. Great grandma didn’t pick cotton in the hot sun as sharecroppers for Junior to fail at algebra and not like reading books.
I get what you are saying but just because I like something don’t mean my child has to like it to. As a parent you prepare and equip your child for the future the best way that you can but if the child doesn’t succeed at “the major things in life” that doesn’t mean you failed it just means that wasn’t the path for that child. Do you think that Magic Johnson is disappointed in Earvin Jr. for not following his steps and play basketball or do you think that Michael Jordan thinks he is a failure because his sons aren’t as good as he was?
I hear you. I think it speaks less of a parent not understanding a child can choose a different path from themselves, than it is about control. Some parents are controlling of newly adult children.
Only thing i cant envision is actually trying to have children. I always assumed it’d be an accident kinda like I was #circleoflife
Actually I half-decided I would start trying to have one when I’m 32. (that’s a little over 1 year from now- YIKES!) My SO agreed this was a good time frame to start. Until then I pop pills everyday with a purpose.
Even though I have a son, I can understand those not wanting to have any kids, and have no desire to condemn their ambivalence. Some people are just not meant to be parent’s and I applaud those who are honest with themselves about it, as opposed to squeezing some out to please other people.
But then again not wanting to have kids doesn’t necessarily stop you from having them.Even birth control isn’t a complete fail safe, shout out to my BFF on baby #3 while on the IUD. If you hump, they will come…eventually.
Truth be told, I never wanted kids or to be married, then I looked up at 21 and found myself with both. I guess that Paul McCartney song is right, “life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans, and shyt.”
But I didn’t really have any rigid life plans before I had my son, I’m not really good with structure, so my son’s birth didn’t really interrupt anything besides my plans to own a 69 Mustang.
True enough children do change everything about your life. When I wonder about what my life would be like if I didn’t have a child, I figure I’d have nicer things, more free time, and less stress. And yeah that’s nice, it seems real nice since all three are scarce commodities when being a single parent. But I honestly, feel that nicer things and more free time , pales in comparison with what my son gives me. He’s the first human being I’ve ever been able to maintain a stable loving relationship with, and the only person who motivates me to be a better person, the only person I’ve ever felt accountable to. In a lot of ways he taught me a lot about myself, and what I’m capable of. I wasn’t confident I could be the maternal type. I owe a lot of who I am now, to having a child, though it is the most challenging, sometimes hair pulling , and tequila guzzle inducing experience I ever encountered, and eventually he will turn into a teenager (which I am not looking forward to). I’m sure I’ve had 2 mini strokes already, but I wouldn’t want a life without him, I never known anything so significant, then again I didn’t know that when I was childless. So for those who are kinda “meh” about it, that’s not abnormal, a lot of parent’s were “meh” before having kids, but you’d be surprised how much you learn to kinda like the lil buggers once they enter your life.
That quote was John Lennon’s, from Beautiful Boy. *Beatles nerd*
Gee thanx Beatles Nerd
, I couldn’t remember if it was Paul or Lennon, all I know is that its from Mr. Holland’s Opus, and every time I see that scene I cry, I cry hard.
Three with an IUD?! I though those were the ish….
They are… nothing is 100% accurate 97-99% effective? That’s about as close you’re gonna get… if you expect more than 99%? stop screwin, lol.
I can so relate to your entire post and your last paragraph was absolutely beautiful!!
After I had my son I would sing Lauryn Hill’s “To Zion” to him all the time and just break down and cry every time I got to the second verse (yes I am a dork,lol) but man that’s just how he made me feel. And nothing nor nobody on earth (even my husband) gives me the same type of joy than my kids.
[quote] It’s not that they definitely don’t want kids, it’s just that they’re definitely not sure about it and it doesn’t seem like it would be the end of their world’s if they never had them. [/quote]
This is me. I feel like if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, oh well, it doesn’t. At this point in my life I don’t have to worry about babysitters or day care or school or waking up extra early to get some little person ready for the day. I have enough nieces, nephews, and cousins around to spoil rotten and send back home. These same nieces, nephews, and cousins are like birth control. After being around them for 15 minutes or more I feel my ovaries lock down.
I waver between wanting kids and not. Right now, you can’t tell me I’m not World’s Best Auntie and some days I’m fine with that title alone and other days I long to be World’s Best Mommy.
I’m a daily particpant in raising my nephew. He is the light of my life, but the joy I see on my sister’s face when she hugs him or he makes her smile…its no part of me thats not jealous and longing for that unconditional love that a child provides.
But raising a kid takes a lot of work. I’m getting older and more complacent with how I am, my current lifestyle and I wouldn’t even hesitate to say a bit lazy. I could not raise a kid alone, I would need help (as I am my sisters’ help now I know this for a fact) and so I need a partner/husband because I know I can’t do it alone.
I know its a popular idea for many for other reasons but it really is NWNW for me. So unfortunately the world may never see a mini Phi. How sad
I LOVE kids. That is all.
[Edit]. I LOVE other people’s kids.
More than my internal struggle on whether or not i want to have kids, is my fear of choosing the wrong father for said kid(s)…. & i like to think of myself of something of a “good decision maker.”
My kids are the greatest thing I have ever accomplished (and ever will accomplish).
They are only ‘messy’ for a few years, then they talk, walk, eat -> all on their own. Before you know it, they have their own social circles and are fairly independent (even making their own meals / wiping their own a$$ / and entertaining themselves)
Besides: no one loves you like your kids. no one.
Except for your dog.
I am happily a mother, but if you’re looking to be loved, a dog is probably the way to go.
For the record, I plan to have a a small cadre of geniuses. That’s kind of why I want children #TotallySelfishReasonsToWantKids.
I read that the father of the Emotions (the R&B group) prayed to God that he would have talented children before any of them were born, and then saw that his prayers had been answered once they were old enough to start singing. That’s kind of my model. Thank you Mr. Emotions.
I’m a one man academic tutor waiting to have some star pupils. I need one of you lovely beatiful allustrious black queens, descended from African royalty, to stop faking the funk (there’s aboslutely NO future in your fronting) and get down with this program I’m putting in place. I’m telling you, in like 60 or 70 years, BET, TVOne, the Discovery Channel and Nature magazine are going to do a joint-miniseries on the achievement that will be me, my wife and our offspring. Some of the achievements I have in store:
1. New mathematical theorems that will make us all forget about Euclid, Gauss, and West Indian Archie
2. Breakthroughs in literature – I think Howard, Harvard and DeVry will all have library wings named after my third daughter.
3. Fine arts that will define the seond half of the 21st Century – My second son’s name will repalce the words “Art Class” in every middle school East of the South Side of Chicago.
Etc.
Oh, and VSB will totally get a good 45-second scene in the prologue section, right before the opening theme music (Lil’ B – Wonton Soup / The Rite Of Spring mashup) and introductions role.
Y’all still not sure if you want kids, after I’ve given you a glimpse of Allllllll Uh’ Diiiis?
*** The preceding was part prophesy, part creative writing exercise, part low-grade holler, and part social commentary ***
*Resumes filling out cover sheets for TPS reports*
“*Resumes filling out cover sheets for TPS reports*”
This made me LOL. I wouldn’t mind having a little Manning or Gates to set me up for life. My future kids are going to be on a career track from birth….
Sidenote: Is this photo of Baby Champ?
there used to be a billboad on 95 north going into baltimore that said “a baby coast $875 a month how much is your allowance?” the picture was a very young girl holding the child….what came to mind for me was “got damn thats my rent!!!!”
I have blocked out the memory of how much diapers, formula, clothes and all that stuff costed for my child’s babyhood. If I didn’t block the memory I’d be in a closet somewhere mumbling to myself about money. lol
If I was with someone I liked a lot, then yeah…kids would be awesome. But not with someone I don’t like. It’s just too frustrating.
First time poster here. I’ve been reading a lot of the comments on this topic and just had to comment!
As some other posters have stated “not wanting children” being the consensus in the black community is a bit sad. Thinking from a sociological perspective, how will this lack of children from educated black parents affect the Black community and all communiites at large? Also, what is the point of acquiring wealth if you have no one to pass it down to? Sure, while you are on Earth you can spend your money on objects that depreciate in value, but if you are really trying to “do all that you can to better yourself financially” you would want to acquire wealth.
Also, how will this change America in the future. I know in my family, many of the children take care of their parents (either by having them live with them, providing financially, etc., etc.) as they age. For older family members, as their friends, for lack of a better term, “die-off” due to old age many seem to get closer to their children or younger family members because in a sense that is who they have left.
Also, I see validity in people’s points about kids taking time, $, enery, etc.,etc. But I do however wonder, for us women, how much of “not wanting children” has to do with a large proportion of “educated” black women being single. It is interesting that many have stated that they still want to get married, but do not want children. Which may have to do with the fact that getting married has no time frame (you can plausibly get married at any age), yet having children has definite time contraints.
Just thoughts to ponder. I for one do want marriage AND children someday. But, if I did not want kids, I do not think I would still want to get married….it just wouldn’t matter as much anymore.
“Thinking from a sociological perspective, how will this lack of children from educated black parents affect the Black community and all communiites at large? Also, what is the point of acquiring wealth if you have no one to pass it down to?”
My question…what’s the point of asking all these questions when it looks like marriage is out of my hands and out of the question? I pass my knowledge on my mentoring and teaching. That’s the most I and many of us can do.
We can pass our wealth down to a non-profit. Or to our cats.
@ WIP…lol @ the cats comment. Yes, giving wealth to a non-profit is great but it may or may not do anything to effect the black community (depending on which org. you give to).
My point is with so many people thinking in this manner, eventually the “black middle class” will be depleted if no one has kids to replinish it.
*through my mentoring & teaching
EXACTLY.
Why is “marriage is out of my hands and out of the question”?
Also, the questions were intended as food for thought…they don’t need to be answered to be relevant/”have a point”
It is awesome that you pass down your knowledge through mentoring and teaching, which I’m sure helps the community a lot.
Until I can conk a guy over the head and drag him home, marriage will remain out of reach for me.
Um, I do home care physical therapy. The majority of patients I work with don’t have children who help them, even if they have children. The reasons for this vary. Some of my patients are mean and evil. Sometimes the children live out of town. More often than not, their children are busy with their own lives – working and raising their children. Also, I’ve noticed that 8 times out of 10, the child who ends up being involved in caregiving is the daughter.
So, don’t have children thinking that they will definitely be there for you. Instead, purchase a long-term care insurance policy. That will cover a home attendant i.e. the one who is there to wipe you day in and day out.
You forgot to account for how people will never stop having sex. There are children born to parents who don’t want children. It may just be that we have bought into society’s definition of what success is and are delaying children until we meet that but raising them if they happen.
Not wanting children doesn’t guarantee that most of us will make it to old age without them.
At 16 years of age, I was absolutely committed to the notion of not having children. Never. I was sexually abused as a child by my stepfather. Initially, I thought I would never want to have children because I’d never want them to be around him, as my mother is still with the jerk. Then I started to have the fear that I’d be abusive too. I’m now 36 and I am more than anything I pray for the day that the ability to give birth will cease as I still don’t want children.
Do you know you have the right to get your tubes tied? No one has the right to prevent you from taking charge of your fertility. And I hope you are free from that stepfather ever being able to hurt you again.
Funny. The only reason I want to marry is to have kids. I guess I’m the opposite: I’m on the fence about marriage, but I’m definitely on board about having kids. If I find out (God forbid) that I cannot bear children, my “dreams” of married life would be just that–dreams. It would no longer be a goal. Just throwing my two cents in there.
The annoying thing is once you hit that 29,30 year old mark as a woman, you start getting little side comments like “well, you’re not getting any younger…..” I HATE that.. My mother says this all the time to me. She’s more concerned about me having kids that I am. The funniest thing though is that my mother is very new school, a pure liberal/progressive and has never been the type to pressure me about adhering to ‘societal constructs’ or going to traditional husband-two kids-and a minivan route.. But soon as I hit 29 its like, ‘yeah, about that stuff I’ve been telling you for the past 20 years… Sorry there’s been an update, its time for you to find you a husband and get to makin some babies’
My SO is 39 with no kids and his family’s also starting to put the pressure on him to settle down, so its about that time for both of us.. After we get married, of course. Which hopefully happens soon. Dont even get me started on the idea of planning a wedding…. Ugh
I do want children….but more recently I’ve become comfortable with the fact that I may not become a mother. I want the love, marriage, and then baby carriage. So I guess since I’m not sure if I’ll get married then it makes sense to not be sure about kids. Plus like Champ stated they slow you down and right now I’m so focused on my career, and enjoying myself that the thought of having kids TERRIFIES me(by the way shout out to the fine makers of the Mirena IUD). When I’m broke I’m like how the hell do people with kids do it?! Whenever I ask a friend to go somewhere or take a trip or whatever and they mention having to find a babysitter or (this is a good one) see if the father can “watch” the child I’m just like ok not interested. But I think that when things fall into place, one’s perspective will change. I haven’t met a man yet that I’d want to be the father of my children, so it’s not even an issue right now….by the way I’m still trying to figure out how to add my photo to the avatar….
“I haven’t met a man yet that I’d want to be the father of my children”
^ this.
+2 on meeting the man & photo for avatar
+3. That’s what adds to my (sometimes) ambivalence.
gravatar.com for photo
To parent or not to parent, that’s the question. The answer, however, is not so simple. As an only child having grown up largely estranged from extended family, and as a social recluse, I haven’t taken advantage of many opportunities to bond with the short people (kids). Likely as the result, I don’t get all goo goo gaa gaa at the idea of them.
Now-a-days, when I meet those in my dating age bracket, many will have kids already. Others I meet will be at that age where she is seemingly on a mission to procreate whereas the first question after “what’s your name?” is some version of “do you plan to have kids?” This makes me pause to consider “am I really ready for this…right now?” Otherwise, I’ll meet those who’s bio clock has alarmed and the shop is closed which causes me to pause and consider “do I really want to give up on the option of having a biologically related kid?”
At this time the simple answer to either question is, I don’t know. Sure, it’d be nice to have a mini-me, someone to educate in the ways of the world, someone to be proud of when he/she out performs all the other kids in every measurable standard. But, there’s the other side. Kids ain’t cheap. And, if you change your mind about them…whoops, too late, there’s a no return policy…all sales are final. Sure as a guy, I could just walk away, but I’m not THAT guy so it’s not a real option.
At this point, for me, it boils down to: if it happens, cool. If it doesn’t, cool.
I absolutely do not want children. Never have. I just am not a fan. I get a lot of confused expressions and repeated “Really??”s when this comes up in conversation. Especially from men which I find strange. One dude even went so far as to ask me what I would do if I got pregnant. I had to shut the conversation down after that. Please get out of my uterus.
Anyway, I know I’m not the only woman in the world that doesn’t like kids. And if you don’t like em you definitely shouldn’t have em.
I agree with the responding Champ, especially the “kids slow us down line.” As a law and journalism graduate student myself, between the huge loans we eventually have to pay back, competing for employment in this crappy market (even with these overpriced degrees), and just finding ways to enjoy living minus the bs, kids do just seem to slow us down these days. And, about the social media comment, when you see so many people on Facebook people posting ultrasound pics and tweeting about their kids born out of wedlock like he/she is what they’ve been praying for, it just kind of turns you off from the whole kids thing, especially if you can’t have them the right way. Meh …could be wrong, but I agree with that 25-35 year old majority pool.
Looking at a lot of the comments that people are leaving, I’ve come to the conclusion that majority of the people are selfish and the do not want to take care of or be responsible for anybody other than them selves
I agree….but I guess everyone has the right to be selfish in their own lives.
See that’s what I’m not sure about though. Do we really have the RIGHT to be selfish? I guess I come at this question from the angle of spirituality. How can we be selfish and do whatever we want to do in light of all that was given to us and done for us?
The opposite of love is not hate. It’s selfishness.
It seems people rather value material things, life style and anything else more than another person’s life. In my opinion this is one of the laundry list of things that is wrong with the African American community, no one seems to believe in Civic Duty, so if someone doesn’t care to look out for their fellow brother and sister imo they are probably not going to want a child.
I think this is not just the case with af am’s. Our entire country is materialistic and narcissistic. I would dare say that the majority of us have been taught to be that way – to look out for #1. That’s why a lot of us are self-focused and have no regrets about being that way.
There seems to be a pretty big disconnect in what you’re arguing here. I don’t think that you can compare humanity or a lack there of to not wanting to be soley or duly responsible for the rearing/bearing of a child. And what does civic duty have to do with anything? It’s no one’s “responsibility” to have children, especially if they don’t want one or aren’t ready to have one.
*solely
Yes. I own that.
A lot of selfish people have kids in spite of the fact that they aren’t parent material.
I can think of nothing more selfish than wanting to have biological children. There are a ton of children in the system who could benefit from the wisdon of village if it were just about teaching, loving and mentoring.
Now, being a good parent is selfless. And this, I am not.
I don’t know if more people are feeling “eh” about parenthood, but I know that more feel comfortable talking about it nowadays. I don’t keep up with a lot of people, but most of the people I do keep tabs on are parents or expecting (age range 27-32). My close friends that don’t have children are either married and on the fence about parenthood or single and definitely about crumbsnatchers once they meet a suitable co-parent.
Me personally, I started telling people that I’d never be a parent in my teens. My stance has not changed now that I’m in the down-slope of my fertility (starts earlier than average in my family). My biological clock rang the alarm like four years ago and I decided it was time to get a pet. I just don’t see myself as a mother. It’s not for me.
I always thought the urge to mother would hit me eventually, but it still hasn’t. I think a lot of it has to do with being raised in a 2 parent household, wanting that for my own child, not having relationships strong enough to even consider raising a child any partner I’ve had so far, blah blah blah. Plus I’m not really a kid person – the parties & the cartoons & the massive way your life changes & becomes so geared toward them (if you’re a good, attentive parent) is pretty daunting. It’s the most important job I could ever do, not sure I’d do it well enough. & where IS the daddy??? lol
From lurking to posting.
Sometimes we forget the reason people had lots of kids in the past is because children are the world’s oldest form of social security. They take care of us when we can no longer compete in the economy and take care of ourselves. I respect anyone who knows they don’t want kids. That is a choice everyone should be free to make. However, some of the reasoning here is, well, weak.
My grandfather fought in WWII, returned home to Jim Crow Louisiana, packed up his wife and kids and left all he knew to go to place he had never seen (California) all with the hope of improving his family’s prospects. I often consider what that generation went through and sacrificed. I think of how well I am positioned today due to their sacrifice. I think of how much worse things could be if they didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to carve out their way. There is no way I can complain about the “freedom” kids take away when I apply a little perspective. My grandfather would probably turn over in his grave if I went on about how children may “slow†my life down. I am not saying people should just rush into marriage and parenthood. Prudence and wisdom are necessary. However, most of the issues this current generation has to relationships, marriage and parenthood are self created.
I am 35, married and have two small kids (son and daughter). It’s definitely hard work. But I wouldn’t trade it in for anything in world.
I think some here are missing the point. Parenthood is not entirely about changing diapers, screaming babies, and not being able to hit the club all night/ or travel wherever you want. As a proud member of #Teambabymomma, I will say that single motherhood is difficult, but so is waking up everyday worrying about taking care of yourself, paying bills, and going to a job you hate. It’s all relative at the end of the day.
Having said that. having kids is really one of the most beautiful things that anyone can experience and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Just like we are all looking for that special someone to share our life with and grow old together, nothing beats having someone that looks up to be unconditionally and knowing that I raised this lil person right to be a productive, smart, and humble human being. Ya’ll can have the single life. #Teambabymomma
But then, when you’re young, you’re not thinking about who will look out for you and protect your interests during your “twilight years”.
A little humor for the thread
I’d be a terrible parent because…
I take that airline safety instruction joke “pick your favorite child and assist him/ her with their oxygen mask first” pretty seriously.
I believe kids might develop a more sophisticated palette if you start them on wine early enough.
Self defense training would begin with teaching my kid how to take advantage of being groin-height and to aim his/her punches accordingly.
Forgot one: I’d try to coach my kid to get a spot on Wonder Showzen as a Beat Kid.
“In the past couple of months, I’ve spoken on a panel, attended two parties in DC, participated in two photoshoots, and contributed to a relationship roundtable discussion. I’ve also attended numerous events in the Pittsburgh-area — happy hours, mixers, meetings, brunches, house parties, game nights; you name it, I’ve been there. In that time, I’ve probably met and/or talked to at least 150 to 200 different people in the 25 to 35 age range. Mostly African-American, mostly educated, and mostly well-adjusted.”
Looking at your first paragraph, it’s really obvious why parenthood is losing its luster…I can’t even count how many times you mention ‘I’. I did this, I did that, I went there, I saw that. It’s called being selfish and egocentric.
I’m very “Eh” about having kids, for the following reasons:
1) I’m 40, so I feel like that ship has sailed. My parents are in their 70′s. Who needs to deal with infant care and elder care at the same time?
2) I never wanted to have a child out of wedlock…if I have a barnacle attached to me, there should be a man shackled too.
3) My friends keep popping out babies like Chiclets…I love kids, but why have them when you can borrow one anytime you like?
ditto!
“My friends keep popping out babies like Chiclets”
lmao
I want to raise a kid. Whether I have one naturally, adopt, or do surrogacy, I would like that opportunity. Family is everything and that’s one thing I will not compromise on. I want to raise a kid and give them what I got growing up. Provided my family wasn’t all peaches and roses, but they gave me something great that I can pass on. And some kid in foster care needs me and my kid waiting to be born (may or may not happen) will appreciate me. Hell, even if I do get pregnant and give birth, I STILL want to adopt. That’s very important to me. ”
All that about finances and other stuff I do get. But, I’ve seen folks do it on less…much less. And their kids came out just fine. I’ve seen folks with tons of money raise the worst type of human beings as well. Either way, some planning is in order but it can be done and I’m definitely looking forward to doing it.
sometimes I wonder if straight Black women who want children but are waiting for a suitable co-parent would consider raising children with women in similar situations. It happens often anyway (women helping mothers) but what if you chose to go into an arrangement like that, with a sister or close friend? It could be dramatic but it could be beautiful. seems preferable to the single mother by choice option for straight women who want to be mothers but haven’t met the right man.
so no one wants to have baby goats…..cool
baby goats will eat your shyt up! lol
Oh I definitely want to have a baby! But not without a husband. But if the husband doesn’t come then I will adopt and/or become a foster mom. A lot of the work I have done has been with children and I just love, love, love them. And yes raising a child is hard work – but at its core is love. Going above and beyond what you ever imagined was possible, stepping outside of yourself and loving someone else. That’s a beautiful thing. And I want it.
I love my kids. My son is off to college next year. I am so proud of him. I remember when his father and I had to get up in the middle of the night to buy him another pacifer (or hear him scream all night). I remember potty training him and (for weeks he would go into the corner closet and poop) I remember how small he looked in his first football pads. Now he’s 6″3 220.
I’m listening to the excuses peple are giving concerning money and time spent are reasons for not having children. . My mother (Nurse) and father (Postman) raised 2 kids and 3 cousins on much less than what my husband (Therapist) and I (Lawyer) earn today. Sometimes we travel, other times we stay home. We go clubbing in the upstairs loft. It’s about priorities. If your priority is yourself, then just say so.
exactly! kids are expensive- but so is every other human being in this world! What the heck else is to be expected? The importance of financial planning.
this was a surprising article because most of my peeps do want to have kids (educated young adults). The idea of creating a life, a real life, other than our own, is a worthwhile challenge. I personally REALLY want to have kids- not right now because i’m barely on my own now. But I am certainly up to the challenge. I have a high tolerance for a lot of annoyances, very patient, accepting as much as I can be. I feel like the best way to prepare for parenting a child is to parent ourselves, raise ourselves to be the person we would be proud to share with anyone.
I feel like some people are cynical of marriage/kids because we’ve developed a culture of isolation and separation. With things like social media, technological advances, and access to a plethora of information, we can interact with each other but keep up of wall that allows us to not get too close. There are people who can create an entirely different “being” to manipulate other unassuming people. People can fall in love with someone they’ve never seen in person. We can communicate with each other instantly and anonymously, saying things that we would never dare say or do in real life. When any relationship gets stressed, breaking up is as easy as un-friending. And it’s not just the younger peeps, it’s the overgrown teenagers that refuse to grow up for fear of their growing older. Parents using their insecurities as justification for leaving their kids by the wayside. We don’t develop strong enough or honest enough relationships to maintain a lifelong commitment to another person, whether it’s to a partner or a child.
Beyond that, the excuse that “the world is too horrible” is wack. The world has always been horrible, still is horrible, and will be horrible everyday after today. The collapse of the institution of marriage? I’m calling bull-crap. What the hell does society’s image of marriage have to do with my marriage? Does the fact that many marriages end in divorce mean that I’m gonna get divorced? No. Does the fact that people get married for questionable reasons mean my marriage will be a sham? HELL NO!!! Whatver your marriage is gonna be is a product created by the partners. No one else’s input is necessary or influential.
Not everyone is meant to be a parent nor a wife/husband. Even from a Biblical standpoint, Jesus had no kids and was not married (for those who dispute this, dont start because the validity is irrelevant to my point). However, don’t claim that children mess up everything, cost too much money, unbehaved, etc. We were ALL kids before we became adults, someone was willing to put up with our crap, how could we complain about their existence? Again, this is not a requirement, but babies are ALWAYS going to be here, if it were that bad no one would have them. As for the moms that discourage other potential moms: kick rocks.
So what do yall think of this article? Would a baby kill the romance? http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/08/143382739/to-keep-marriage-healthy-when-baby-comes-share-housework
Since the age of seven, I always stated that I never wanted to be a mother and I still feel the same way (I am 28 years-old now). In fact, I don’t even like to be around children, come to think of it.
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Okay, I’m 30 with the degrees and all, and I’ve gone back and forth about children which drives my man crazy(mainly the practical side of children). I always think that they eat, they need clothes, they always have questions (not a bad thing, but time consuming), education through college and other enrichment activities…do I have the time an patience, mental capacity and will to give all of this and grow my career, so they can have any of this? It’s not that I don’t want children, I just want to do it right…if at all. I tutor children where I can see where the parents have gone completely wrong. Also, in the back of my head I stuggle with the fact that as said upthread, having children is somewhat of a crapshoot…what if you give all you can and they turn out to be useless to society? Can I live with that?
I wanted to respond to this a while back, but I got distracted with work, xmas, etc. But essentially, parenting has lost it’s luster, and modern Ameican culture has a lot to do with that. For various reasons including the the costs, the pregnancy, the costs of college that are going to be astrof*ckingnomical in 18+ years, the work of parenting, the cost of daycare, the largely poisonous popular culture that current children are immersed and as a result have become pint sized and teenaged savages–I don’t want chidlren. But above all those reasons, I’ve had the time to think on parenting in relation to who I am as a person, and know with most certainty, that it’s just not for me. And in response to some of the commentary about the falling birthrates etc..there are 7 BILLION people on this planet. The human race will go on, though the landscape of our country will likely change, as we’ll have no choice to host all the offspring of those hyperprocreating countries (we have the space–all those fly-over states are about to get ran) As long it doesn’t bring a war, I can dig it. I love me some foreign food.