We’ve all heard the story before.
Boy approaches Girl while at annual DST nude kickball fundraiser for lupus research. Girl is so intrigued by Boy’s opening line (“You don’t belong here”) and demeanor that she pretends not to notice the fact that Boy’s ring finger is equipped with ring. After 12 to 17 minutes of Boy entertaining Girl with the type of conversation that somehow simultaneously makes women annoyed and aroused, Boy and Girl exchange numbers, with plans to “do coffee” sometime in the next week. They do coffee on Tuesday. 15 minutes after coffee, Boy and Girl check into the Westin and proceed to do each other for the next 31 to 38 minutes.
While Boy’s in the bathroom, freshening up before headed back to work, Girl — who’s still laying in bed — notices Boy’s phone buzzing on the dresser. She glances at it and sees the following message: “Babe, can you pick up some sugar on the way home? Love u.”
Boy walks out of the bathroom at this exact moment, and instead of getting upset at Girl for looking at his phone, jokes “I guess this probably wasn’t the type of sugar my wife wanted me to bring home.” Girl, already feeling kind of shitty after reading the message, feels even shitter after seeing that Boy didn’t even bother to attempt to hide the fact that he’s married.
But, what makes Girl feel the shittiest? The fact that she doesn’t really care, either. Girl wishes she cared more, but she really likes Boy, and this like of Boy allows her to convince herself of the “fact” that if Boy’s wife was doing what she needed to be doing at home, Boy would have no need to step out. As her closest line sister always says, “You can’t wreck a happy home.”
Boy and Girl continue to see each other for months. As they grow closer, their outings become progressively more brazen and more public. What begin as a fling is now a full-fledged relationship. Boy even does the one thing all men in Boy’s position say they’re going to do but never actually get around to doing — leaves his wife.
A year or so later, Boy and Girl make plans to get hitched, yet Girl is surprised at some of the negative feedback she’s beginning to receive when plans of her upcoming nuptials get out. One aunt even tells Girl that she’s not going to Boy and Girl’s “triflin’-ass wedding.”
When Girl defends herself, saying that the aunt should still support her because she (Girl) did nothing wrong, aunt says “Bullshit. Maybe you didn’t sign a marriage contract yourself, but by willingly allowing him to pursue and court you while you were fully aware that he was married, you’re just as triflin as his ass is. You’re my niece, I’ll always love you, and maybe one day I’ll be able to be glad that you’ve found your “one,” but I can’t support triflinness.”
To drive home her point, Girl’s aunt takes off her sweatshirt to reveal a baby-tee with the words “I can’t support trifliness” emblazed on the chest.
“I had it made last week, and I’ve been wearing it everyday since, hoping I’d see you.”
Girl: “I can tell. That shirt smells.”
Aunt: “So do you/”
I happen to agree with Girl’s aunt. Do you?
¹Btw, although “Girl” is the homewrecker in this story, I feel the same way about men who date/sleep with women already in relationships.—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
What this shit was posted on time tonight…now to read this post.
I agree. it is more than fair to hate both. if you tend to just hate the one, then do both. Much easier.
Yeah. I agree with the Aunt as well. It would be one thing if she didn’t know about his Wife at all, but she did. He left his wife for her.
And we all know that history has a funny way of repeating itself in some form or fashion.
#TeamTriflin’Girl
Girl may be triflin’ but the Triflin’ Boy is to blame. The girl (if she is playing it right) is just taking advantange of a situation. People will be triflin’ all day every day. But you can’t make a wo/man stay if they don’t want to stay. Boy did what he wanted to do and nothing would have changed that. If not that Girl, then the next girl.
But it wasn’t next girl… it was her.
I don’t know why it seems that some folks want to create degrees of bull$h!t-ness when it comes to this. Two people mud wrestle, TWO people come up dirty… and it’s the same amount of “dirty”.
She is no less deplorable than him.
Agreed.
Reminds me of the post on the casualties of relationships.
Playing devil’s advocate here: what if the homewrecker and the cheating spouse were “meant to be together”?
Then those “meant to be together” folk should wait until he/she is divorced to find out if they are indeed meant to be together.
It’s wrong to hate a homewrecker if s/he didn’t know about the marriage/relationship
And it’s wrong to ONLY hate the homewrecker…uh, like your spouse was unaware of the marriage? I think not
But still, Cassie is winning
How often do you think the single person is truly unaware?
oh mi gosh, @ yoda are those locks?
I’m in love with Yoda’s hair….
That’s the direction I was going in, but I gave up. My hair is just there now,…lol
by the way you are soo hannnnnnsum! youlook like Bilal. you must be his twin!
Thank you kindly. When I was teaching public school I got Bilal, Lenny Kravitz, Maxwell, the father of Huey Freeman…. :-/ ….pretty much anyone who ever had big hair or might have had big hair. I don’t even think I heard my legal name after the second week. But….ummmmm….you got nice toes….lol. I know you say they aren’t yours below, but……dose yo’ toes.
)
I do think people occasionally don’t know, especially if you’re in a big city, or travel a lot for work. I’ve heard a few random stories in the news about men who traveled a lot for work so they literally had two (or more!) full families in different states.
Random: that happened to Dr. Benjamin Carson growing up – his dad had 3 wives in diff places
80% of the time. Loneliness will have that effect. The other 20% doesn’t care because they are getting what they need.
+1
cASSie is not winning.. a man buying you stuff i.e. new boobs, birkin bags & shoes cannot be that full filling because every gal wants that rang and the title..and Diddy is not married so I don’t really consider her a home wrecker. I can’t really judge cause I’ve been in this situation back in my retarted days (don’t judge me) but luckily for me he never left his wife. But I gotta be #team stank auntie on this one.
You know, at some point earlier in life I might’ve agreed that Cassie wasn’t winning, however – I don’t think I’m in a position to say that EVERY woman wants the ring, and because Sean Puffy Diddy Combs hadn’t given it to her, she’s “losing”. Cassie, in her own muthafuggin world, could be the most content bish ever – with her Birkin and Givenchy.
I’ve realized a supposed “losing” situation to one maybe the most winningnest deal there ever was to another. And at this point in life experience, I gotta realize that my goals for a winning relationship are necessarily THE example for everybody.
all Puffy’s broads losing…he hadn’t married nan one of them.
The only losing is Kim-she is still holding onto a dream that won’t see the light of day.
Actually Kim might be winning. She been around the longest and he never puts any other woman before her. He takes care of her oldest son like he is his own so I think when Diddy turns 55 1/2 y/o he will propose to Kim and after 10 years of engagement and a lengthy prenup that will set her for her remaining years, they will get married.
Kim gets $250k a month in child support. That’s a win.
Said Word!!!!
Kim knows whats up — she isn’t pressed about dem other broads
money is, has and never will be the issue. Kim is NOT his wife! The dream of being his Mrs. is yet to come to fruition. All his baby mamas are PAID, big deal.
Honestly, at this point I don’t even think Kim wants to become Mrs. Combs because she’s living GOLDEN just by being his ultimate baby mama.
it depends: aside from the scrilla, no one SHOULD want to marry him, he is extremely n-a-r, c-o-n-c-i-e, stuck on himself and stuck at 30.5. He can’t do anything for anyone else, his women are no different than his fav pair of pants or cologne; everything is to be used, he can’t even fully develop artists w/o being blinded by envy. Cassie should be making connections, taking lessons, and saving her (read: his) money. A baby would make her yet another casualty, it’s not worth it.
Diddy baint never giving Cassie no babies. EVER!!!!
yes, he already has a classroom
“he can’t even fully develop artists w/o being blinded by envy”
^this right here!^
name one of his artists still shining today.
puffy and his ego has destroyed the careers of:
craig mack
loon
shyne (and in all likelyhood exposed him to male a$$ rape)
black rob (prolly also male a$$ raped)
total
those funny lookin chicks from dirty money
got biggie murdered
forced the lox to go to ruff ryders
junior mafia
created a rap abomination called mase
but having said that, his concubines still seem to be well taken care of
C-O-N-spiracy: Um, suge knight “got biggie” murdered, but +1 on the mase reference
Hold up people,
Which home did Cassie wreck?! Diddy, has NEVER been married. She was not the reason Kim’s and Diddy’s relationship did not work. eh eh…
Yup. Kim was in Essence calling out JLo.
J.LO. did not wreck anything?! C’mon…..Kim is crazy for even thinking that Diddy would ever commit to her. He has said it repeatedly, he is allergic to monogamy-has proven it too…The only thing that keeps Diddy tied to her is the kids. Otherwise, Diddy be upgrading from one to the next once they fall pregnant, and are a day over 29! I pray that Cassie, is on some bc pills, because it’s a wrap once she gets a bun in the oven.
No, you right. No one was married, but I still liken it to cheating and “common law”. Just because a person isn’t married, doesn’t mean they are up for grabs in my book. Plus, Kim was friends with Puff’s first baby momma Misa Hylton Brim, and went after Puff. So that’s a bit of Karma. I just don’t understand this: http://www.crunktastical.net/2012/06/11/photo-day-cassie-diddy-announcement/
^Is that an ad for Ciroc or something else?
But at the time, when J-lo and Diddy were on, to my understanding he was already done with madam Kim…no?!
Nyhoo, probably that’s for his cologne line….
I was once crazy in love with diddy!! VERY. I remember specifically going to his Sean John store in downtown Manhattan thinking that I had a good chance of finding him there chilling….only to be met with disproving eyes from the sales reps-for my afrocentric fashion, which signaled to them broke azz ness, and they don’t be wanting that kind of bi*tchazzness, I was shown the door.*sigh*
African gear isn’t cheap! It costs!
I thought the ad was an engagement announcement that happened in Cannes.
engagement? hehehehehehe….
Diddy is a man of two worlds……..
Nah, Cassie ain’t winning because she’s part of the tryst. Kim knows what time it is and she’s obviously cool beans with it.
I have no idea why everyone assumes she wants to marry Diddy. She’s been a legit model for years. Not like she isn’t constantly around the company of men with dudes at and ABOVE Diddy’s pay grade. Every single relationship isn’t a woman ultimately looking for a marriage regardless of how much time she puts into it.
@Malik,
She WAS interested in getting married to dude. They were going to get married….
With a net worth of Half a Billion- $500M- there aren’t many men above Puff’s pay grade and if they are they undoubtedly are wrinkle like a dried prune.
+1 Eric McD- But I still understood what that commenter was trying to say. I wasn’t gon let that part slide either though lol
I definitely hate the homewrecker! Stop wreckin’ homes! Side note: the Greek references in these posts kill me every time!
Please tell me you have animus for the individual responsible for preserving his/her marriage?
Because solely blaming the jump is misplaced anger, and absolving the actual responsible party from their marital obligations. There needs to be some marital accountability.
The animus for the guy/gal stepping out of on their marriage is a given… (at least to me. I don’t recall folks giving cheaters a pass).
Who used to get a pass? The person that they cheated with that KNEW they were with someone else.
You would be surprised at the amount of people who excuse their spouse’s illicit behavior, and make a straight beeline to the outside party, as if their spouse was incapable of turning down an affair/sex.
In these types of situations, animus is not always directed towards the party most deserving. I’m personally aware of a couple of situations where a cheated on spouse did practically nothing to their spouse having the affair, while pretty much attempting to go HAM on the mistress. SMH.
I feel like the spouse should be able to direct their animus at whoever they want. They are the wronged party. It would make more sense to me that it be directed at their partner, but what I am talking about is the outside observer saying the person that cheated has committed a more pernicious, criticism worthy, offense than the other participant. And I am suggesting that is an argument that the person who is cheated on has the right to make and express. The rest of us have no business (IMO) saying that even though it was two people knowingly engaged in an affair, one should have some sort of pro-rated criticism and condemnation. It reeks of lack of accountability.
Ehh, I hear you, but I disagree. That sounds too much like the idea that all “sins” are equal. No way you can convince me that stealing a piece of candy from the bubble gum store or lying and telling someone they look attractive are as bad as cold blooded murder or rape. The person who got cheated on does have the right to be mad at whoever they wanna be though. Hell they can get mad and kick the dog and break the kids’ playstation for all I care. That’s in their right (besides the cruelty to animals I guess) but I can still judge their aggression to be misplaced if they actually blame the outsider just as much as the person who actually cheated on them. We’ll just have to agree to disagree I guess.
I’m not sure how their aggression can possibly be misplaced if it is directed at either their partner or the 3rd party that knew this person was your partner. They can put the onus 100% on their partner, they can put 100% on the 3rd party. We can say we agree or disagree, but no one can tell someone they don’t have a right to feel what they fell, based on what happened to them.
My whole point is, for those of us outside the love triangle, there is no just cause to see the partner as more evil, and more worthy of scorn than those who were knowingly involved with the partner. The only one who has just cause to assign more blame to the partner IS the partner.
*comes into this post playing Curren$y’s “What It Look Like”*
First on here, muthaf*ckers!
I wonder if Alicia Keys was the inspiration for this piece though…just saying…
Okay…so I’m not first…but I’m gonna act like it! LMAO!!!
Yeah, I felt Alicia was dead wrong. She was photographed with dude at events and on the red carpet and was openly dating a married man. Plus, it seemed like folks were okay with it while his wife is trying to fight for their relationship and their family. Alicia stans actually attacked his wife for trying to fight for her marriage and saying Alicia was disrespectful (which she was). Alicia showed little respect for the sanctity of marriage. Then she marries dude while another woman in Europe has a daughter. Then texts are found to another woman while she is married to him. Folk tried to tell her, but “Willie D told me to let a h*e be a h*e”-Ice Cube, “No Vaseline”
Yeah, Alicia was on that Angelina Jolie, LMAO!!!
Exactly! LOL! Humanitarian h*es, seem to be spared the shade, lol! Have a foundation, be an ambassador, and get support for your h*e sh!t. *smh*
You gotta love them though. They are very concerned about the environment and other serious issues. Another person’s marriage vows? Not so much…
BOL! I guess they don’t realize charity and humanitarianism starts at home and sh!t…LOL!
LOL word!
Man down! ROTFLMAO @ Legitimate soul
LMFAOOOO @ Humanitarian h*es!!!! That’s soooo true though!
I actually think Alicia is worse than Angelina because at least the latter waited for the divorce to be filed before stepping out with Brad Pitt. Alicia simply just didn’t care. But hey, it’s all good. “It’s called karma baby, and it goes around.”
I wonder how long Swiss and Alicia relationship is gone to last? I personly feel like its all front for the cameras.
Oh, you ain’t know? Their love is unbreakable (See what I did there? LMAO!)
+1
“Singing this love is unbreakable…Ohhhh yeah…we living our dreams”
@ PA
The “Stoned Immaculate” SLAPS!!! It’s been in non-stop rotation w/ Cocaine 80s.
That’s my favorite new album RAT NAH*!!!
Spitta went all out on this one and he needs to make the next single either “Privacy Glass” or “Take You There”.
*That’s “right now” for anyone that didn’t grow up in the South by the way…
My fav, too. It’s so chill. I’ve played the whole album three times back to back since I came home from the salt mine.
Track #1 is my joint, but overall the album goes. Now, all I need to usher in my summer is the new Rozay (GFID). I need my Bawse fix…lol
Ay mane, you forgettin’ about that Nas droppin’ in a month- that “Life Is Good”.
Yeah I think Nas next album will be a good one. I’m looking forward to it.
Word is that he’s supposed to be mad- and we all know what happened the last time someone made Nas mad (See: “Stillmatic” and “Untitled”).
I’m going to take your warning next time PA. Prometheus was… *sigh* Let’s just say I wish someone else paid for that movie ticket.
It showed all signs of being abysmal. Look at it like this:
Charlize Theron AND Idris Elba…in a science fiction film…directed by a man whose last good sci-fi film was 30 years ago (Shout out to “Blade Runner”).
For some reason I read the Idris part as him dating Charlize. NOW that is A MOTHERFRIGGIN PROBLEM in and of itself, I don’t even like her ONE BIT!!! TUFIA! oooya carry on…..
You don’t like her even one bit? Let me guess…you saw “Monster”, didn’t you? LMAO!!
nah, she said some controversial shid about Africa-that was not kewwwl at all!
Charlize Theron is hot and sexy. I’m a chick and i recognize that.
Agreed!!!
Ok, here’s something random that I’ve always wanted to know about Charlize Theron (who IS gorgeous btw). She’s from South Africa right? Why doesn’t she have an accent? Does she hide it, or do people from this part of the world not have a distinct accent? ‘Cause she sounds as American as apple pie.
It is an acquired accent. She most likely had a strong Afrikaans accent when she left RSA. Apparently she thought it was better to use an American accent full time rather than switching between her real accent, the American one for auditions and also whichever one she’d be required to use onscreen (e.g. Texan accent). Also read that she was advised not to use Afrikaans accent because it was quite unpopular at that time (just coming out of Apartheid).
One of the main characters is a f*cking android! How can an emotionless character be dynamic? ET makes more sense as a main character than an android. None of the subplots made sense, there were gaps in the plot, and wtf kind of accent did Idris have? I’m not convienced Theron is a good actress. They need to stop messing up sci-fi!
Idris had a Jafakin’ accent- yeah that’s it…
Charlize, on the other hand, originally got her start as a model. I’m not saying that’s she’s a bad actress…I’m just saying she used to be a model.
It was almost like he didn’t know whether to be British or Jamaican so the accents came and went. Mess.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that android was the best part of that ragged movie. Most of the other characters barely had any development. The movie was visually nice though.
*throws stone at kaname*
If the android was the best part than we shouldn’t even put that trash on dvd. His motives weren’t made clear but a great deal of the movie didn’t.
*leaves centipedes in Think2Inspire’s kitchen *
The andriod’s movie was simple curiosity. After all, he spent the entire flight watching Shaw’s dreams and became curious about the human experience.
Here you guys go: http://cavalorn.livejournal.com/584135.html
I saw the movie this past weekend and it was a mess but this article explains a lot of what was going on in the movie. It’s a long read but definitely gave me a clearer picture of what was happening b/c i was all types of lost.
I should have gone to see Madagascar 3.
no, don’t-you’ve seen the best part of the movie (afro-circus/polka dot song) and you’ll soon be able to google the julien and penguin one-liners all two-of-’em.
I agree with the aunt. By enabling the person to wreck their own home, the homewrecker is committing a social sin by breaking up a union and as he/she is responsible for the dissolution of the union, he/’she will be held accountable for their actions
By whom and how?
I don’t think its fair to place accountability on the other person for the dissolution of marriage. The only people responsible for the success of any union are the people involved in that union.
Word.
The side person may not be worth sh*t, but the culpability ultimately lies with the married individual.
Exactly
Agreed. The vows were between two people to love, honor and cherish and to take no other (not verbatim). With that, if one or the other strays from the marriage it’s on the one that strayed, not so much the “home wrecker.” In reality, the “home wrecker” is the spouse that went outside of the marriage to begin with.
” In reality, the “home wrecker†is the spouse that went outside of the marriage to begin with.”
And that’s the bottom line ’cause Stone Co- er, Nilla said so. Unless the outside force is Mother Nature (the hurricane that essentally caused Tea Cake to get rabies in Their Eyes Were Watching God) then the destruction of a union is in the hands of either party involved. If one cheats then he/she is to blame.
I like the Their Eyes Were Watching God reference. But why Teacake have to go out like that? Why???
Both are homewreckers–the cheating spouse and the person s/he is cheating with, especially if the latter is fully aware of the former’s marital status.
I agree the most responsible party is on the cheater.
however to say that a person who knowingly and willingly participates is not absolved of it as both are participants in the act of adultery
and while we most defintely have to get away from absolving the man of any responsibility (i hate to hear people make it seem like a man is so powerless to his desire he cant control it..wonton temptress, these women scandalous etc etc)
we cant just shift all of the responsibilit over to the man.
the purchase of known stolen goods is just as much a crime as the theft itself…
IJS
.
” the purchase of known stolen goods is just as much a crime as the theft itself…
IJS”
:O (walks away to the corner and tries not to let anyone see the guilty look on my face) lol
“The only people responsible for the success of any union are the people involved in that union.”
Not necessarily. What if the wife or husband who is being cheated on had no idea that their marriage was in trouble because the cheating spouse showed no signs of being dissatisfied? How do you expect a person to work on a marriage they don’t feel is broken in the first place? Look at Mashonda. She has repeatedly said Swizz showed no signs of dissatisfaction. So should she be accountable for the failure of the marriage?
I dont know that i believe Mashonda’s version of events, especially since Swizz had just had a child outside of their marriage around the same time he got with Alicia. Everything was not peachy in their marriage. He may have mislead her to believe they were reconciling, who knows, but Alicia should not be held accountable for a marriage that wasn’t stable in the 1st place. That’s all i’m saying.
I don’t think Alicia should be held accountable for the marriage, just for her participation in its dissolution.
That’s not true. Just like parents need support from the community raising children, marriage needs support. There is a reason why people stand in front of their family and friends to say their vows. Its because in order for it to work, the couple will need positive outside influences because they live and exist in the world. There is going to come a time when the marriage is weakened (maybe she cant have sex due to a medical issue or he’s traveling for business or he’s not working) and friends can either say “you need to leave him girl” or “you need to try reading this book on communication.” Its silly to think that a marriage will always be superstrong and can’t be influenced by others. The difference is whether that outside influence is positive or negative.
What can we say h0es be winning….but I agree with the Aunt…and please believe, if he cheated with you….he’ll cheat on you….
H0es make it hard for a good man to be faithful and a good man makes it hard for h0es to stay away…
I enjoy that last part.
Hell yea. Truth.com
“H0es make it hard for a good man to be faithful and a good man makes it hard for h0es to stay away…”
That’s what she said (I know, Mena and Breezy…to the corner I go…)
*as long as I don’t have to tell you anymore*
“H0es make it hard for a good man to be faithful and a good man makes it hard for h0es to stay away…”
But, if he was a “good man” he would not stray, but work on what is wrong in the marriage to improve that relationship. Hoes or not. Just saying.
HA! I would agree with you both, but I don’t believe there can be an agreed upon or unequivocal definition of “good man”. Either way h*es be choosin…and they’re just as opportunistic as the married folks they prey on…I’m prayin (<—see what i did there?) for ya monogamy. I'm prayin for u…smh lol
+1
Why are good men so tempted by h0s?
becuz everyone has a fantasy, but not everyone has it fulfilled
“Why are good men so tempted by h0s?”
for the same reasons bad men are….
lmao! Good one Demondog- That’s what I was thinkin, but sometimes things are so obvious to me that I just keep em to myself when I realize some folk just won’t be able to understand (or want want to) lol. Well played sir
There’s three sides to a story. There’s one side, There’s the other, and then there’s the truth.
yep. and often the truth is withheld
However, this begs the question: Who’s really telling the truth between the three of them?
My father always used to say that. Thats why I dont argue with ppl.
#TeamAuntie
Oh, and the idea of a spouse taking care of home to prevent cheating is some boolsheet. If a person wants to cheat, they will. It is not in the power of the partner to control another grown-azz person nor is it the fault of the other partner when a cheater cheats, man or woman.
Preach.
+1
Had to learn this one the hard way.
+1
+ another 1
+2
@ legitimate soul- Thats because monogomy is not natural for human beings. Maybe the stronger ones can even last many many years, but not FOREVER. Monogomy is a sick joke that the organized Religion folks are playing on all of us.
I see I said.
(Jealousy I said.. got the whole industry mad at me I said….)
One of the few dope lines from Blueprint II.
You have not told a lie.
However while i dont believe in physical monogomy, i ABSOLUTELY believe in emotional monogomy. Your spouse is supposed to be your ace boon, point blank period. Leavig the wife to marry the jumpoff? Where they do dat at?
huh?! You don’t believe in physical monogamy yet swear by emotional monogamy.
KAI!!!!
He should ACE BOON his kcid too, NOT just his mind.
See that doesn’t curl all the way over for me either. Lack of physical monogamy can bring a disease back or form a life (baby). Then there are some who feel emotional cheating is WORSE. So it depends on the people involved.
I prefer physical and emotional monogamy. I think coupling is more than just procreation or that the other person you choose to deal with is “cool”. There is joy in being able to know your partner in every way, explore chexually in every way, and a deeper connection and better chex when all is connected. I am not trying to present a fairytale version of what relationships are, but there is a deeper level that isn’t spoken of as much as the mundane. There is a level of comfortability and openness that for me allows for more intimacy and connection when you agree that what you have is not being shared with someone else. That unit and what you share is stronger, and can be energizing and healing. That’s just me. Folks don’t have to agree.
“I am not trying to present a fairytale version of what relationships are, but there is a deeper level that isn’t spoken of as much as the mundane. ”
Interesting that you see it this way. I think it actually gets spoken for more than the mundane and way more than the downright ugly (which often times is relatively frequently the reality of relationships/marriages). I see what you mean though. We were taught that that’s the way it should be and we evolved jealousy which is a b*tch of an emotion to overcome…so yea I expect most ppl to be team monogamy, but realistically ppl are gonna have to start compromising soon instead of forcing that standard on ppl that don’t want it or are ambiguous about it. I mention those that are ambiguous because if you’re not all in you’re gonna jump off the bandwagon at some point…and divorce is NOT the easy, cheap, or convenient way out…so…yea don’t expect most ppl to take that route when they feel stuck and unfulfilled. It’s like programming an algorithm for failure smh
I see your point, but I think people feel that way but question things once they are linked with a woman they can’t stand because she’s preggers. Or perhaps they caught the germ (any STD) and it slows that azz down and their ability to play like they want to. Owno. Depending on peoples values and personal decisions for themselves, life will give you a moment of truth. #GangStarr (couldn’t help it. RIP Guru)
that is my firm belief as well Iceprincess…
That’s amatter of opinion and between two adults to decide. However, why say vows, if that’s not how you feel? In most cases if a person likes it, I love it….yet be honest about what you do. If the relationship is open, that’s on them. If they choose to be mongamous, that’s on them. If they swing, that’s on them. Yet, don’t change the agreement because he/she wants to be selfish. This is especially true when a person wants a new piece, but doesn’t want their partner to have the same “priviledges”.
So are you saying that you don’t believe in marriage? Since you don’t think monogamy can exist in a marriage?
Hmmmm….good question. I mean icould take it or leave it i guess. Its good to have somebody thats legally responsible for you, in case something happens or whateva. Kinda like parents are untill the age of 18. So yea, i get that. But i think government & its institutions should stay out of peoples bedrooms, including marriage.
” But i think government & its institutions should stay out of peoples bedrooms, including marriage.”
+1 But I also see the benefits. So I don’t think it should be banished. Just not applied as the standard across the board. And yes I’m aware of the financial benefits of it.
Yep we’re saying the same thing. I think its a good idea to partner with someone for the long haul & have the security those benefits give. But that pesky little rule about monogomy? Not so much.
marriage≠monogamy we have seen it many times, yes in this country by law it is so but not around the world, not in the histories of the 3 major monotheistic religions, not in pagan religions not in ancient monarchies and so on and so forth…
This is a lie based on some ish people started reading and decided to perpetuate. Human beings are the superior species, and yet people would have you believe they can’t be monogamous like some animals. GTFOHWTBS. That’s what cheaters say.
We are more like apes. Monogamy is too damn hard. yet we still try. The gorilla has a harem and he won’t share ‘em…
We are smarter than apes.
What does being smarter than apes have to do with being in a monogamous relationship? Monogamy is not an intellectual or species-specific given. It is a choice made by two individuals, just as non-monogamy is a choice made by individuals. Both legitimate choices we can make as humans because we -are- smarter than apes.
” Both legitimate choices we can make as humans because we -are- smarter than apes.”
Thank you! Excellent point omni-(snickers). Nice name lol
+1
Apes don’t have much choice, do they? The apes we’re exposed to live in zoos. And, yes, it takes a little bit of intellectualizing to commit to monogamous and honest relationship. Just like it takes the mind to determine whether to be a vegetarian or carnivore. The monogamy bit is as age old as are humans Carnivores, Omnivores or Herbivores.
Committing to an honest monogamous relationship is hard, as is committing to an honest, non-monogamous one.. Neither relationship variation is inherently right or wrong. It’s the dishonesty that’s wrong in either type.
Omniewhore is goin INNNN today! I hate when people keep trying to moralize love, lust, and emotion and try to turn people’s choices into indications of intelligence or supposed evolved traits. Whatever makes you feel better or morally superior I guess. Well stated tho Omniwhore. Even animals that are significantly more intelligent than apes (dolphins for example) don’t practice monogamy. Also I believe Canadian mole rats are one of the only other species that regularly practice monogamy, but even among them 20% of them either don’t practice it at all, or they do but they cheat constantly. Either monogamy’s an evolved trait or learning how to use the convenience of cheating and get away with it is…it’s all perception
@ice princess
When married, is the idea that two people can choose to be mutually exclusive sexually just an impossible concept to grasp/believe?
Do you think monogamy doesn’t exist today?
“Thats because monogomy is not natural for human beings.”
Why is it natural to have s.e.x. with a whole bunch of people but not one person?
Monogamy is really only present in patriarchal societies. You can only imagine why… they did not have DNA tests back in the day.
“Why is it natural to have s.e.x. with a whole bunch of people but not one person?”
Great question!
All of this “it’s natural” bullish is killing me today. It’s “natural” to want to lie to get out of a sticky situation. It’s “natural” to want to hurt someone who has hurt you or your loved one. Yes, a lot of things are innate characteristics of humans, but we must understand the importance of self-discipline to avoid negative consequences.
Im not sayin its ok for my husband to be “with a whole bunch of ppl”. Let me clear this up for the folks on her who think im crazy: i dnt believe in full monogomy, but you not jus gonna run wild either. But on the other hand, forever is a loooong time. I’d polly let my man cheat like 1 or twice a year. My stipulations are: condoms are a MUST, & no emotions. Yall not gonna be sitting around sharing laughs & finding out what yall have in common & all that bs. Get your nut, chuck the dueces & thats it!
That’s not really something that can be regulated. If you’re allowing your man to have that type of intimate contact with other women, you are also opening up the possibility for “emotional cheating.” You can’t control what goes on in someone’s head or their heart. What happens when that woman he’s sleeping with once or twice a year puts it down in the bedroom AND laughs at all his jokes? Then he starts enjoying her company and looking forward to it….can of worms. Just saying…something to think about. I’m all for whatever you want to do in your relationship, but I don’t want you to be naive and then get blindsided.
I like IcePrincess lol. But yeah ATWG is right. You can’t regulate that, but honestly you also can’t regulate the intense desire to cheat, and quite frankly to someone like me that’s almost as bad and d*mn near as problematic as actually cheating is. Deception, dishonesty for the sake of people’s feelings/ego, and jealousy are the real enemies here, not monogamy or open relationships. Human nature is so complex and often times EXTREMELY and inconveniently conflicting smh
Monogamy is not a sick joke.
its a choice and its not easy. Just because its hard people want to make excuses. if you dont want to be monogamous fine, don’t enter into a relationship under that pretense.
its hard to eat right and exercise but aint nobody arguing that being fit is unnatural.
we are humans and as such have the ability to act beyond our physical to think and rationalize and make decisions for ourselves.
we have willpower for a reason.
and while i dont know that i believe we are meant to mate for life but i definitely believe we are meant for 1 on 1 relationships
“its hard to eat right and exercise but aint nobody arguing that being fit is unnatural.”
Great point.
Sitting around all day at computers and watching tv is unnatural. Working at desk jobs and living the sedentary lives that ppl in developed and rich countries live is unnatural. If it wasn’t for that actually being fit would be natural (when you combine it with the unnatural food you REALLY see the difference). Therefore having to plan to go to a gym and purposely recruit all your muscles to work for the sake of your health IS in fact unnatural…im just sayin
You are purposely splitting hairs lol….you got the point
“Thats because monogomy is not natural for human beings. Maybe the stronger ones can even last many many years, but not FOREVER. Monogomy is a sick joke that the organized Religion folks are playing on all of us”
Oh i love you!
this right chere is the most truthiest of truths………..
“If a person wants to cheat, they will. It is not in the power of the partner to control another grown-azz person nor is it the fault of the other partner when a cheater cheats, man or woman.”
That’s at the point when their consciense starts to get to them like:
“Come on Tiggalo, just take it on home now. It’s 4:30, ain’t nothing open this time of night but legs and hospitals, n*gga be strong…be real real strong”
which occurs just before someone tries to relive a fleeting moment from the King- of-the-Club-days the “whatdidahjusdo” or “whydafckdidahjusdodat” moment…
…And it usually happens after a hangover…damn Heinekens, LMAO!
i think the decision is made long before “heiny” become an issue (ha!) If you don’t want it, it ain’t a maybe-if you did, it could be your baby…
” ain’t nothing open this time of night but legs and hospitals”
BOL
Consider this STOLEN
Don’t thank me, thank Phonte. It came from the end of his song “Sendin’ My Love”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f93WYMp_s-Q
+1
I don’t know how you can ever trust a man who cheated on his wife to be with you.
And vice versa.
Truth
“I don’t know how you can ever trust a man who cheated on his wife to be with you.”
This is something that I never heard anyone ever say to Camilla Parker Bowles…
she caught hell from the royals tho…she had to pay some serious dues. She just started getting invites to events…LOL
They blacklisted her like she was a communist or something, LMAO!
I thought that also occured because they wouldn’t let Charles marry her from the gate. The Queen picked Diana for him and he always loved Camilla, but the Royals didn’t deem her proper. The cheating wasn’t cool, but Charles was choosing the crown and “duty” before his true feelings. Dude still ain’t got the crown. Mom’s is celebrating Diamond Jubilees and isht……
He LOVED Camille. Diana was just a by the way-a formality of sorts. It was all about keeping the bloodline pure! Nothing more, nothing less.
I’m still not sure if “triflin(n)ess” is spelled with one ‘n’ or two…
It’s not wrong. The onus is on the person in the relationship to dead it though.
+1
To use an analogy, it’s like a citizen v. a cop. I mean sure there are some Good Samaritan Laws, but the cop is the one that took the oath to serve a protect. They sought after it and get paid for it (regardless of it may be sh*t pay).
Love the writing in this post. Great imagery. I could smell the funky t-shirt… But that funk pales in comparison to the triflin funk.
Good writing… And you can only blame the person in the relationship but if you willingly mess around with a married person… Ur just nasty and I am judging you… Right now.
I agree. I think the side person is unscrupulous, but the blame lies with person who made the commitment. They’re responsible for forsaking others and keeping their marriage in tact. Not the trifling a** side dish.
It is Perfectly Fair to put blame on the Homewrecker, be it Man or Woman. It is already a given the Married Cheater is Wrong, but the Homewrecker KNOWS and still seeks to Get His/Hers while the Cheater’s Spouse is in the Dark.
We all speak about Brotherhood/Sisterhood in regards to Unity for everything But something like this; Men Dont because Society states a Man IS SOELY Responsible for his Relationship/Household, and thus his Marriage. If his Wife is cheating, Shame on Her, but He “Fails” as Head of House/Marriage, whereas Women who are Cheated On aren’t (this is where Gender Equality vs Tradition =Double Standards). Regardless, the Homewrecker isn’t Thinking bout Brother/Sisterhood, it’s all about Self and Self’s Wants and Needs over a Cheated Spouse
It’s like if a woman cheats it’s the man’s fault for not being the husband she needs not to cheat. However, if he cheats, is greedy, lacks self control, and is the scum of the Earth. Ohhhhh, the double standard.
More like if the woman cheats then it’s “can’t turn a h*e into a housewife” (regardless of her past), but if the man cheats then it’s “girl what you won’t do for your man another *freakier* girl will”.
You people can be really creative about these double standards you make up. Ever heard of a straw man? This argument is one. Where you ever hear somebody say its the man’s fault if his wife cheats, but its not the woman’s fault if her husband cheats?! Yall need to quit making shit up so you can feel like a victim.
This reminded me of He’s Just Not That Into You.
Before I continue, yes, I saw that movie. Yes, I enjoyed it.
Anyway…
Bradley Cooper, who is married, meets Scarlett Johansson (aka a gorgeous specimen) and is, understandably attracted to her. He hesitates at first, cause, well, he’s married. Doesn’t even wanna be friends with her really, to avoid temptation and all that jazz. Yadda, yadda, yadda, she doesn’t really let up, they fk, he tells his wife, but doesn’t stop smangin Scarlett, things end badly for all three of them. In that case, the only real victim was the wife I suppose. But I give dude some credit. Least he wasn’t LOOKING to cheat. I know that doesn’t really say much, and the end result is he still cheated, but hey, dude tried. Just failed. Also, it’s Scarlett fkin Johansson.
Anyway… I blame both parties involved. And I’ve been a part of this problem before too, so… Yea… I knew I was wrong for it. Problem is, some people (ie me) never think they’ll get caught. Then sh*t gets real and reality slaps you in the face.
Anyway…. Again… The person in the relationship, man or woman, should respect said relationship to not step out, or succumb to temptation. The outside man or woman, should respect said relationship to not step in, or encourage the foolishness. They are equally wrong if they both know the situation. Only way the horna man/woman is innocent is if he/she really didn’t know. Oh, and horna is Trini for side piece.
What the hell did I say to get moderated? The inhumanity!
Mami!!!!
No more slavery chains for Meisarebel,No more, No more…
Many thousand gone………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJHcPXwoJdU
Free him! He didn’t homewreck, Champs!!!
Free at last!
Why can’t I get this song out of my head. I been humming it at work and ish…
I too enjoyed that movie but the dude in the movie is looking to cheat actually. He’s opening himself to this nice guy, tortured marriage role. Like that whole go ahead of me in line routine. Maybe I’m just more of a person who notices things in social circumstances. I kind of get a kick out of noticing peoples interactions with others.
“but the dude in the movie is looking to cheat actually.”
I saw that flick 50-11 times and I agree as well because at first he had buyer’s remorse so to speak (exchange numbers but when she called he turned her advances down) then not long after he started mind fcuking himself into believing he could just BE Friends with her all awhile watching her skinny deep in the gym pool……..and showing up to her yoga classes.. So yeah he had intentions on knocking that down.
And that’s why I blame both. She knew what she was doin when she went skinny dipping. Come on…
Yeah, he was definitely looking to cheat, otherwise he wouldnt have traded numbers with her in the first place. It takes a series of decisions to cheat. If he had made the right decision that first day, then none of the rest would have happened.
AND… he kept lying about those damn cigarettes! You know his azz was dirty!
Well, I’m gonna break it down a little further for you, Meisarebel, because as the movie developed there was a clear indication that dude was, in fact, ready to cheat. It comes out later on in the movie when the wife says to her co-worker, “We don’t have sex anymore.” *record scratch* YOU don’t have WHAT anymore? In fact, as all you men continually point out, sex is a man’s need and the wife wasn’t fulfilling that need in her husband. It was not a wonder to me when that little gem was dropped that he cheated on her. BTW, I thought she was one of the most weird characters in that entire movie.
So the lesson is, if a woman ain’t giving it up regularly to her man, then he will eventually find someone who will. By the same token, if you not taking care of a woman’s needs, she will eventually do the same, though I don’t think they explored a woman’s needs and how men can meet them as well as they could have in that movie.
LIfe’s full of tough choices. I’ve actually seen this situation before. I kind of just shut down about it.
All you can do is maintain your friendships. The people you love and care about make…… interesting choices all the time. Who am i to judge right. I certainly haven’t been perfect all of the time. People in relationships hurting each other is another example of that need to grow. I guess that’s how you can love the sinner and hate the sin.
True….the original Jerome better step up. He’s bout to get replaced lol
Ha! I see what you did there.
I liked it.
Word. This same situation happened in my family a few years ago. My cousin was married and started creeping. Well, he and the jumpoff fell in love and decided to get married. Surprise, surprise….he ended up cheating on her as well. She left and took everything, including the toilet paper (I had to stifle a laugh at that part of the story).
F*ck stifling. I would have fell out on the floor laughing. Why take the toilet paper?
lmaooooo toilet paper hahahahahaha
OMG! I needed that laugh. I have tears rolling down my face.
In the situation presented above, I’m team Auntie all the way. I will not co-sign anyone I know willingly persuing or entertaining a married man/woman. Having said that, the “homewrecker” term gets tosses around a little too loosely and misapplied. The person wrecking the home should be the person whose home it is. It seems we’re calling everyone who’s in a relationship with a married man/woman a homewrecker regardless of the circumstances. There’s too much gray area in these types of situations to paint everyone with the same homewrecking brush. And let’s be real here, homewrecker is a term more commonly reserved for “the other woman”. I’ve never heard a man being referred to as such.
I’ve always felt that the person looking outside of their acknowledged relationship is more at fault. They are the ones who made a committment that they chose to break. If you get involved with a committed to someone else person without knowing they are involved, you get a free encounter. However, after you find out, if you stay involved with that person, you deserve whatever horrible fate karma has in store for you just like the person with the worthless word and serious lack of honor.
Another note about the cheating thing: Just because a person cheated in a relationship at one time does not necessarily mean they are or will be a habitual cheater in each following relationship. Why they cheated is essential. Additionally, how they personally feel about cheating (the person doing it as well as being cheated on) is important. That’s not to absolve people cheaters. I just think cheating in relationships is more nuanced then simply being led astray or being dishonest.
+1 again.
You. are. that. dude.
*daps*
Malik is seeming a lot more practical and balanced these last few days. Great post man. You nailed in and you were concise too. Well said
I’ll be back to my panty-pandering unnecessarily verbose Black separatist male feminist ways on Monday.
I am starting to like Panamanians because of you. Even researching!!!!
Lmao! Back to our regularly scheduled broadcasting and sh*t lol
Most people will say that is a lie because statistically it is wrong. However, I’ll say this, you won’t know if a cheater WILL cheat in their next relationship unless they have been tested. Period. A person can say they won’t do it again but until it’s a late night and they’re drunk and they are confront whatever insecurity causes them to cheat, then you know not what a former cheater WILL do.
I agree Malik.
I totally agree, Malik. You are on fire lately, being the voice of reason. Pay no mind to the haters. They just jealous.
Excellent points, Malik.
I used to be a cheater (oh shoot!) but I’d never do that again.
U wouldn’t need to
I’ve recently changed my view on the “sanctity” of marriage. A home wrecker is just selling herself short. She owes it to herself to make herself unavailable to an unavailable man. She does not owe the wife anything, IMO.
That’s actually a pretty good point.
She does not owe the wife anything, IMO.
+1
As hard as this is for some to digest…this is the truth. A harsh one, but the truth. If she doesn’t have respect for herself/himself, then why would she/he remotely have respect for anyone else?
I love the way you phrased this! You are now in the running for Comment of the Day. LOL
Thanks, girl!
I hate to do like yall ladies have made a habit of doin, but I just wanna point out that the same can be said of a single man that messes with a married woman. Except it tends to work more in his favor. But you’re right tho RWC
hmm sometime it works in a man favor and sometime it does not.
How does it work in his favor JMTG?
@ Nilla- Because he (man on the side or horna as meisarebel would say lol) gets to play the part of the hero and gain all the conveniences with none of the sacrifices that the married guy has to make. She romanticizes him. He’s around just enough to fulfill her emotionally and sexually but not nearly long enough to be humanized and recognized for all his flaws. Even if she sees them (his flaws), they won’t be magnified like the husband and the fact that he’s a refreshing changeup from the husband who she’s grown bored with, frustrated (by the fact that she can’t change him) and tired of. Too much familiarity and constant fighting will usually lead to contempt.
But the way he really is winning is that he (horna/sideman) does not have to deal with her nagging him about chores around the house, financial choices he made, the way he deals with the kids, the repercussions and petty arguments that stem from his moods or bad decisions, the mere fact that his insecurities will be on display with nowhere to hide since she sees him everyday and knows him inside and out. Horna gets none of these inconveniences that the married guy has to deal with, yet he gets all of her fun side and he’s seen as a blessing/irresistible option while the married guy still has to keep sacrificing, helping pay the bills, raise the kids, and managing her contempt/constant mood swings. The married guy keeps taking Ls left and right while the sideguy lives life like this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtPluXq_hko
He doesn’t have to see too much of her and get tired of her like the husband. So he can appreciate the relationship they have more and see her good qualities magnified while not even really noticing her negative traits AND she treats him better because he could move on at any point without having to deal with alimony laws and all that other f*cked up ish.
But with all that being said I avoid this role no matter how tempting nowadays. I know people that love it though, and I can’t say that I blame them.
Yes to all of that. A married woman is “low maintenance.”
While that situation looks good on the surface, and the attention the clean-up man gets may make him feel like the alpha male, once the woman starts expressing more loyalty to hubby, he gets reminded that he (clean-up man) is nothing more than an orbiter. Some guys may be bothered by this, some may not.
Believe me, LOTS of men don’t like being #2. When I was all crazy in love with one guy, but we weren’t together, I was having fun with other guys. I was open about my feelings and the fact that they were stand ins. They claimed that was cool as ice, just what they wanted. But when they realized they were still #2 after they believed they had successfully “put it on me”, they got pretty salty, and emotional. So don’t believe what men say about loving being #2. Men are territorial and competitive. They don’t like it.
@ Wild Cougar- I don’t doubt that a lot of men are that way. I think the trick is who that guy is and where he stands spiritually and emotionally. Also how many other women he’s dealing with (and the quality of these women). If you’re the best woman on his roster then he’s MUCH more likely to not be ok being number 2 (hell some of them want even want to share at all) but if he’s got a team full of all stars and if his ego/feelings aren’t needy he’ll be fine with that position. So a lot of men will say that and be disingenuous but a lot of us really mean that. It all will usually depend on the other factors I mentioned though.
” Some guys may be bothered by this, some may not.”
Correction. Some guys may be bothered by this, MOST will not.
To quote Jay “Now be a good wifey and run back to your hubby” Smh @ people that don’t get this. It’s just so obvious to me
Most guys won’t mind being #2 for a while, but most guys won’t stay in that situation long either is my guess. The feelings will fade I think you said in a previous days post. Once that happens and they realize they want something more, they’ll move on. I guess neither party will be worse for wear, so to speak, because wife will go back to hubby and horna will seek out something new and perhaps more fulfilling. I know, it’s back to individual situations. I’ve got to see the other movie on this… Same Time Next Year.
Agreed. Personally, I liked being #2, but I’ve also seen lots of dudes act like Ludacris and come for the #1 spot!!! Some dudes have their whole self-esteem built around being that dude, and when they get checked, they fall hard.
Thanks for that JMTG. You are so on-point with your analysis. I can see all of this in my friend’s ‘relationship.’ Sometimes I wonder if he can. *shrugs*
No prob. And who knows. He may know and not care or he may just not wanna think about it that deep. Most ppl would rather just enjoy it rather than be conscious of it (shrugs)
I disagree with this. Maybe she doesn’t technically “owe” her anything, but I do believe in karma… the golden rule… do unto others… If you were married, you’d want women to respect your marriage. You should do the same.
+1. I agree with that as well. I also see the other point of not being used as a tool to break a covenant, be used chexually for a selfish person (because cheating is selfish), and along with treating people like I want to be treated, not causing pain to a likely innocent person.
A homewrecker –man or woman– doesn’t owe anyone anything. As a human, they earn the world common decency. Seek someone that is available. Period.
Exactly. Of course, everyone can be lied to about marital status, and there are women who don’t know that they’re someone’s side piece. On the whole, however, there are a lot of emotionally unavailable women hiding behind being someone’s side piece. If they had to deal with single people, they would end up having do to a lot of stuff from an emotional side they aren’t comfortable with handling.
“there are a lot of emotionally unavailable women hiding behind being someone’s side piece.”
Excellent point.
This might be totally random, but have you ever ready Superhead’s biography? The first few chapters are, low key, the biggest compilations of emotion pain I’ve ever read. She was hurt and abused, her mom was hurt and abused, and her grandmother was hurt and abused, and they all projected that into the world. It’s what drove her to find her dad in the early years and, when that didn’t work out, make her become Superhead ™.
No interest in reading that at all. lol.
I see your point, but what if she wants an unavailable man? What if she wants romance without the drudgery? What if she doesn’t care if he leaves his wife. She just wants a relationship that’s always in the honeymoon stage? Doesn’t she owe it to herself to get that?
I wasn’t making a judgement in terms of morality. I was just saying what often happens in situations like this. Some people are OK with it; others not so much. So long as everyone agrees to the situation, IDGAF.
I was replying to RWC
@ WC- I’m all the way with you today. Men AND women (prolly moreso women because of the cash/gift exchanges that are customary) who aren’t delusional are WINNING when they decide to play that role without expecting the married individual to leave their spouse for them. Most of em don’t want that headache anyway. Win win indeed.
“I see your point, but what if she wants an unavailable man? What if she wants romance without the drudgery?”
That’s a different convo, and a topic that does not interest me.
Bingo! She owes to herself to not settle for a married man. Though, for the sanctity of sisterhood, I do feel she owes the wife some respect.
Why assume that the wife is respectful?
Bazinga! lol
She doesn’t owe respect to the wife because of the wife’s character. She owes it to her because she’s a human being and a person and on some basic level we all deserve respect.
I disagree that extending entitled respect to the wife should be any reason to stay away from a married man. If a woman wants to do that for the sistahood, that’s up to her. It doesn’t mean a hill of beans to the wife. “I turned your husband down out of respect for you” is never going to garner any “oh thanks sista girl!”
Respect for self is fully sufficient IMO (in the case if a woman who wants a committed monogamous relationship).
sleeping with a married woman is like picking up a dropped $100 bill….that bill had already been dropped…and someone was going to pick it….might as well be me.
LMAO @ VAB. Exactly. It would be a different story if you pursued her knowing that she was married…
Beleive it or not, I almost got sucked into a relationship with a married woman (And yes, my comment is a double entendre…).
boo,
URRRGH! Why do you ALWAYS do this….EXPOUND, and don’t leave any juicy detail out. Vroom vroom!!!!
Alright, this is what happened. It happened shortly after the incident that I spoke of recently where I talked about a booty call when I fell asleep in the middle of sex. A guy that I knew for a very long time had a wife that started working at the same place I did. She started making sexual advances toward me and talked a very good game about what she wanted to do to me. Unfortunately, for as much as I wanted to take her up on the offer, I couldn’t get past that big ass wedding ring on her finger. Also, she was known for excessive philandering and being very talkative- two things that do not go together when someone wants to have an affair. Making matters even worse, she tried to stage a fight between me and another dude to fight over her- despite the fact that he and I didn’t know each other from a can of paint and had just met each other for the first time at that point. We also saw the fallacy of a married woman wanting two guys that she was not attached to in any way try to defend her honor. Go figure…
So I stopped dealing with her because I saw that she had a reputation of destroying people and setting people up. When she asked about why I wasn’t dealing with her, she was informed that I didn’t mess with married women. She then proceeded to confront me and then spead rumors that I was “afraid of her”. By early next year, karma came back and bit her in the ass. Early next year, her husband was killed in a car crash. I hated that dude died, but I hated it even more when she acted like she really loved him. I’m thankful that I used better judgement in dealing with her because if I didn’t, you probably wouldn’t be hearing from me right now.
She sounds bat-shyt Glenn Close crazy
Agreed! PA, it looks like you dodged a bullet with that one. So not a good situation. Heck, I’ve dodged a few bullets in my time too. LOL
You know what they say…the best sex usually comes from a nutty broad.
You know what I’ve realized is behind that though, PA? It’s because the nutty broad puts all of her emotions into sex. Of course, her emotions are out all of the time, because she’s nutty, but a woman who throws their emotions into the physical realm is a major turn-on for a man. Men like to express their emotions through their bodies, and a crazy woman speaks that language. If only more women would get out of their damn heads during sex and into their bodies, sex would be better for all involved.
But it won’t happen.
Wow. She sounds like a real prom queen runner-up.
…And “Carrie” is the first thing to come to my mind, LMAO!
*sighs* *points to corner*
You know what to do.
Dammit man, I just came from there!
*walks away slowly while hanging my head*
Bad analogy because people who cheat aren’t necessarily willing to cheat with anyone. Sometimes its the right circumstances or person who they are attracted to. So if that person is willing to say “No” and not make it so easy to cheat, then maybe they would try harder to improve their homelife.
I don’t believe in the term homewrecker. I’m not a conspiracy theorist. IJS
so Mr.Mjoy, what is the term you give to such a scenario?
Dead at “Mr. MJoy”!
Oh no!!!!!!!!! I’m Mrs.Guy. Yall better respect my man!
femboo,
I’m a feminist, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander too. No disrespect!
um… ok?
That’s why I love her. She don’t allow no disrespect
I was just jokin around and talkin sh*t, but really tho every situation is different. I know guys that seek married women out and I think that’s wrong. I would never do that. Doing it knowingly is not the way to go, but sometimes ppl are only married by law. Their spiritual bond has been severed and finances, time, and technical difficulties are the only reason they are still technically married. In those cases often times married women come onto other men (and vice versa obviously) and then “homewrecker” is a silly and erroneous term to apply to someone who smangs an attractive person who was into them and came unto them. Plus yall saw the movie Up in The Air. Folks be lyin sometimes…even the audience never saw that one coming…
“Up In The Air” was great.
You make a good point. How can you wreck a home that is already wrecked?
The same way you can rob a store that’s already been robbed. It happens.
That analogy isn’t consistent. A robbed store is not in a terminally bad state if it can be robbed again. “Wreck” is a terminal state.
^ Bazinga again! lmao
basically
“Up in the Air” MESSED me up!!!!!!!
I was like, really???? She’s married????? With all kinds of kids running around!?! I believe in the sanctity of marriage, the sanctity of common phucking courtesy. Please just leave me before you cheat on me.
Yeah I was hurtin for that guy too. A cynic/realist like myself did NOT need to see such a f*cked up ending to a movie lol
right? Then he just goes back to his life in the air???
I was telling people to empty their d*mn backpacks for weeks after that movie!
Exactly!
” To drive home her point, Girl’s aunt takes off her sweatshirt to reveal a baby-tee with the words “I can’t support trifliness†emblazed on the chest.”
I flatlined for at least 30 seconds after picturing this image lmao! I saw the light and everything lol
Me too!! That was hilarious. Champs sense of humor is off the chain. Its kind of wicked in the best way
Yes, it was a tangent well taken!
I dayum near started crying I laughed so hard at this visual.
lol. I could even imagine a dead-pan look on the aunt’s face.
Are we solely talking about people who willingly pursue or engage in extramarital affairs when referring to homewreckers? If so, then yes we can hate them. If we’re talking about the married party misleading “the other man/woman”, and them not knowing for a period of time, then no. Unfortunately, these days, everyone gets painted with the broad stroke of the homewrecker brush
For the record, in Champ’s scenario above, I’m team Auntie. My previous post is still in moderation.
By the way, ya’ll might want to save your opinions when it comes to the Kola-Boof/Kimora situation right about now…..she don’t give a hoot!
Kola Boof stays in some mess.
She dragged Kimora so bad a couple of months ago. She said something so cold she had me in tears. lmao
She tweeted something like eff her flat a**, bread box shaped Cabbage Patch face lookin’ self.
*Expired*
She is going to release a press statement tomorrow about the matter.
She is kray, hilarious and a great writer, too! I like her brand of kray although I don’t endorse her home-wrecking stance.
Cray is an understatement with Kola…lol. That bish is off the hook, but that way she reads Kimora is hilarious. Talk about knockin’ someone off their high horse…hahaha.
She’s a talented writer though. I read one of her novels “Long Train to the Redeeming Sin” back in high school. But this was before the f*ckery of the present. Twitter happened and she has been exercising her right to get up folk’s feelings. lol
Crunk and Disorderly said this about Kola Boof:
If Rocky Dennis from the 1985 film ‘The Mask’ would have survived and moved to East Harlem to work inside of a braid shop he would probably look a lot like Kola Boof.
^Yes, it was mean. Yes iHollered in laughter.
that’s just wrong. I feel some type of way, when folks use disabled/disfigured folks for their jokes…..sue me!
I know. I’m funky fo’ that. But I saw pics of Kola and I remember the actor in make-up who played Rocky and well I laughed before my conscious took over. I just googled both pictures of Rocky and Kola again and BOL! *hollers* I tell myself it’s okay because Kola is intentionally being nasty and breaking up a home with children involved.
again, there’s three side’s to a story. Kimora’s, Djimon’s and Kola…in between, the truth lies.
Agreed. She might have every right to be highly pi$$ed.
Yet, if Kola is going hard on someone calling them all kinds of names, she has to expect they are going to come for her too.
Kola Boof stays being someone’s mistress…with her nasty ass, LMAO!!!
“Kola Boof stays being someone’s mistress”
*Googles pic of Kola Boof*
How???
Must be the good head game…I don’t know… *snickers*
hahahahahahahaahahah
She was the one who busted Dijimon out for still being legally married to a woman named Marie in Europe.
Kimora & Dijimon are not legally married, FYI.
Kola’s beef is that when she was in the hospital about to have surgery for a brain tumor, Kimora showed up at the hospital to tell she had been f*cking her fiance (Dijimon) and would have him before she woke up from the anesthia. (i can’t spell worth shyt today)
I find Kola to be beautiful.
that did not surprise me, if indeed it’s true. An African man past the age of 40 ALWAYS, GUARANTEED has a hidden wife that people don’t know about
No lie, two Nigerian dudes in grad school with me had wives back home that were a TOTAL SECRET. One guy was outted as married by a friend of mine. He got really mad at her. Claimed that she was all up in his business and had no right to tell anyone he was married 0_o. The other guy unveiled his wife at graduation.
if not a wife, most certainly kids. Children are assets!
@ Mrs.Afrijay (looks up at the ceiling and shakes head with an amused smile at the name change) can u please elaborate on that? My Ghanaian friend was trying to point out how things were different there too with regards to kids for men that didn’t even actually live there. She didn’t go into enough detail and we got off topic to something else before I fully understood what she meant. I’m quite curious if you care to explain.
Wait, are you talking about “I smanged Bin Laden” Kola Boof? I do believe she was his jump-off, but the degree of entitlement she expressed when she complained about being ignored by governments looking for info turned me off. She was upset that intelligence agencies didn’t seek her out for info. She wanted to be some kind of hero. Well, Mata Hari you ain’t, honey.
Yeah, she’s cray-cray.
Wait, I just googled her and wished that I didn’t when the pic came up…but did she really smang Bin Laden WTF! lmao! I’m disappointed in him, I would’ve thought a cool @ss bad guy like that would have much higher standards smdh
My African sister is BAAAAAAAAAAAD! Stop talking shiiiid about her.
@JMTG
Actually, I keep hearing she’s gorge in person. I’m guessin’ she’s just not too photogenic…lol.
She has huge boobs. Plus, she seems to have nice bone structure. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s gorgeous in person.
Ok, lemme stop being mean. She may be gorgeous in person (and without makeup). Hopefully so. I wish everyone could be gorgeous so that wouldn’t matter. I did only see like two pics, so my sample size wasn’t significant enough to judge fa real
I have recently read a book called His Needs, Her needs. It’s really an interesting perspective on infidelity in a marriage. When a woman knows that a man is married, the ‘relationship’ should stop right there. And, when a man knows that a woman is married the same applies. However, for someone in a marriage to go astray there has to be elements present which includes opportunity and availability, among the emotional needs that are not being met in the marriage. For men, that could be sex or companionship, etc. For women, that could be intimate conversation, affection, etc. Repeatedly, this caused ‘good’ marriages to sour and one spouse or the other to cheat.
I knew a man way back in the day, we worked together, who was a serial cheater. He was married, had two kids, the house, the cars, dogs, etc., but could not keep from phucking every female that would allow him to. He was ‘friends’ with all of them. In fact, I remember a group of us that worked together running into each other in the park on Sunday, and I stood there thinking “damn this dude has phucked four of these women!” For some reason, I think of the movie “The King and I” where the English lady can’t understand the Kings many wives & their relationships. But, he explains that he has a different and full relationship with each one. I guess it’s all in how one views the situation, culture, and belief system.
I don’t think “hate” is a fair word tho. I hate what some people do in terms of their actions and think their reasons are shabby for doing some of the things they do. I guess that goes back to hating the sin not the sinner type of philosophy.
QQQQQQQQQQQQQueeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!!!
I have missed thee. I don’t wish to rain on your parade!!!!! That is all..
Missing you too Mami! We must find more ways to play! I’m getting a lil bored…
ooooooh girrrrl, I’m always game!!
I see you stopped your homewrecking ways on my femboo’s situation. You found you a man’s to take care of you, huh?! KUDOS!!!!!
LOL.. well, when JMTG expressed his desire to move on and make that union with MJoy, I couldn’t stand in the way of true love. Nope. I know what JMTG and I have has been a special connection, but I think they will do well together. Besides, making her fight a lil for her man is a good thing. She will appreciate him more.
LOL
That’s why you are my QUeeeeeeeen!!! The amount of tact and grace you possess in the face of accusation is admirable, if not replicable!
Oh, and Mami, Meisarebel found me! No, actually, he’s a persistent Scorpio! I would expect nothing less from a man hell bent on attracting my attention. Though, I was a lil hesitant at first, he just kept sweet talking me, seeking me out among all others. I’m a sucker for intimate and romantic conversation especially with that accent of his. It absolutely turns the flames of desire to HIGH. lol
Yes, SCORPIOS are relentless in their pursuits- *ahem ahem*!!!
Girrrrl, he found you?! Oooooooowiiiiii!! That’s something….me likey, I approve! But, YOU must take him to Dubai with you-that IS the place to be!
I was just tryna let it be known. Persistence is a bi-shh. And we happen to be best friends.
Also, Mami, I would gladly take that trip to Dubai (architecture and all), right after I take Nilla to Trinidad and we dip in that beautiful water. And I intended all sorts of innuendo with that statement.
hold the fug up-are you an architect?! Oh mi gosh, that’s sooooo kewwwwl!!! me likey
Fug a scorpio! Never in my life did I think I’d be jonesin’ for someone. I could never say no, it was an intersting summer.
Girl that fight was no joke! I’ve never done that before! But lawd Jesus, he makes me weak. And yay for the Trini love!!! I smell a double date comin on!!!!!!!!!
Then what is the purpose of getting married? Why not have Polygamy if people can’t stay in a committed relationship?
@ Latonya,
Polygamy IS marriage!
“Then what is the purpose of getting married?”
Seriously? Well, here’s my view: Taxes. Health insurance. Survivor benefits. I’m sure there are more, but basically it’s a LEGAL agreement sanctioned by the government, the euphoria of a committed relationship with a person with whom you have an emotional bond aside. That is really what marriage is. Don’t think so? Get divorced. And, there you have my answer.
+100000!!! Let the church say Amen! (No pun intended)
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha YES!
Right now we have people shytting themselves trying to legally end a marriage knowing what they have to lose, give up or fight over in court.
It’s one of those strategic life decisions, like buying a car, buying stock, owning a home, buying land, etc. Strip away the love and loyalty part and marriage has a lot of technical benefits (as mentioned above). It’s also an “accomplishment” of adulthood.
Or just greed. To play devil’s advocate, cheating isn’t necessarily due to a lack of something. And simultaneously isn’t due to some sort of inherent psychological problem. Could just be greed. An opportunity presented itself, the man/woman wanted to take advantage of it.
Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to understand, yet alone accept.
I can see that. There are likely thousands of reasons why a married man or woman cheats on their spouse. But, in the end, it is the one who strays who, in my opinion, commits the greater ‘sin’, if you will.
Noted and respected, my dear.
@Meisarebel
I must agree.
My ex admitted to me he cheated, then he told me WHEN he cheated and I couldn’t think of one problem we were having in our relationship at that time. He said there weren’t any, he was just presented with an opportunity and he jumped at it.
Then I cut him.
kidding.
R u kidding tho? lol
Yeah I frequently read studies about how men rarely ever cheat because of a “problem” in their relationship (whereas women are a lot more likely to cheat because they aren’t satisfied or completely fulfilled in some way). Our sexual inclination to “opportunism” is almost as ingrained in us as women’s sexual attraction to “status” is to them. Not the best parallel but they’re both engrained in our DNA. Don’t believe me, go read The Red Queen by Matt Ridley…at least your ex was honest Joy lol, i kid i kid. We won’t have those problems tho
We really wont
And he was only honest because I made him EXTREMELY comfortable being honest…. the only way to get the truth outta you Negros! Anyway, on to better things!
I would say something about Kanye West, but Kim & Kris never had a home to wreck, did they? Did they ever even live together?
LMAO!!
Kim & Kris—–>was a SHAM of a marriage! Sham!
I imagine you sounding like Victor Newman saying that…
hey cute toes!!! I sure hope it is you…..
it is. *wiggles toes*
hehehehehehe!!!! *me likey* check my avi!! in 5, 4, 3, ……..
Victor Newman was the man lol.
Are you guys talking about the dude from the Young and the Restless?
If so, HALLELUJAH!!! Is he married? If not, I want to apply.
Victor is an original OG pimp. He ain’t never getting married lol
Does this apply to other aspects of life? If employer X has a contract (that you really wanted) with employee Y and you get wind of the fact that X is seriously thinking about terminating said contract and even invites you over for dinner and offers a few side gigs to test your ability as they prepare to get rid of Y. Do you tell them…”naaah hommie, I will not go out to coffee or take any mini contracts from you till you have fully terminated your contract with Y”?
vab,
Yo, I’m sorry but I play HARD in business. I am not taking those mini contracts. Matter of fact, I am not taking that contract! The same axe that befell Y, whose to say it won’t find me. Hell nah! That’s shady business right there. If it’s a lucrative contract, I am not going to lie, I will CONSIDER it-but just for a fleeting moment. The business world is RUTHLESS, you have to know how and when to play your cards right without burning bridges.
Why exactly is it shady business though? They want to make a seemless transition, so they’re setting you up for it. Doesn’t seem too outlandish to me, but I could be missing something…I dabbled in corporate America very briefly. But in business, I think it’s okay to look out for yourself at others’ expense sometimes. That’s just the nature of the beast; if you were always considerate of others’ feelings, you would be the one getting stepped on and passed over while others ascend to the top.
Marriage has totally different rules, in my book.
I agree with girl, marriage has different rules. Its personal, the contract is supposed to be lifelong, and it often includes children. You can’t compare.
How is girl in love after 45 minutes?
If she was messing with a Mandigo warrior( a real one from Africa), YO! That shiiiid messes your ability to think objectively and with your head on right. After x amount of pumps, that’s it, kapingili-you are in for life! Your heart starts yearning after only 45 minutes. We call it juju where I’m from!!
I’m crying lmaooooo
“We call it juju where I’m from!!”
…And over here in America, it’s called d*ckmatized (I see you, Jill Scott!!!)
Word to Zane.
Knock on wood, it hasn’t happened to me yet. I’m probably more afraid of this than some of the other dating scenarios. Why? Because I’ve seen it turn the most rational woman into a certified lunatic! In the words of Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
That’s what a diamond chip d*ck do *in Paul Wall’s voice*…
You can avoid being d*ckmatized by using a condom. I’m serious. I’ve tested it out myself. The times I ended up getting caught up without good reason……usually slipped up and let him go raw. I theorized its about skin to skin contact, electrical impulses, oxytosin, what have you. Prevent that sh*t. Protection ain’t just about diseases. Take it from me.
*head nod* You know what? This makes a whole lot of sense. I feel like someone just led me to the Fountain of Youth!
i was d*ckmatized with a condom… I can’t even talk about it.
o__o
Really?? Oh. Okay
I hear you, BUT I was dead serious. Love potions WORK……
Good post. I also think few men are ever labelled as ‘home wreckers’ when the tables are turned. That said and done, in my opinion the wife should be more angry at the person who broke the contract. The person she has a commitment with and not the third party. I am not saying the third party is free from all blame but more often than not we concentrate on ‘the other person’ forgetting that you had no commitment with them and as aptly put earlier, they owe you nothing! Harsh but true. My dad cheated and is purpotedly ‘married’ to this other person. for the two years I wasn’t talking to him, I didn’t care about this other person. I was more concerned about my father who broke vows he made to my mother. I still don’t know that woman’s name,age and what nots. I really don’t care. I tried to explain to my mum how that woman was a C in an A,B situation. I believe that even if the so ‘called’ homewreckers’ would stop ‘allowing’ married folk to cheat with them, those folk would still try to cheat and as long as the intent is there in my eyes the person might as well have cheated. Blame it on law school or what not but I don’t want to be with someone who is not cheating due to lack of opportunity.
” Blame it on law school or what not but I don’t want to be with someone who is not cheating due to lack of opportunity.”
Yes, because that’s a person who wants to get their peen wet in more women than just you.
” as long as the intent is there in my eyes the person might as well have cheated. Blame it on law school or what not but I don’t want to be with someone who is not cheating due to lack of opportunity.”
So true. A lot of ppl don’t agree with me when I say that though
Oh, and since I’m #TeamAuntie I chose to believe Auntie didn’t choose to be funky for the sake of morality. LOL! I imagine her hand washng that baby tee in the sink and using a blow dryer to help dry it or that she bought the baby tees in bulk….one for each day of the week (like them old school drawls that has the days of the week printed on them).
“one for each day of the week (like them old school drawls that has the days of the week printed on them).”
Yeah…I remember those. Me being a child of the 80′s will not let me forget either. File that one under “things that were once cute in the Reagan era”, LOL!
I chose to believe Auntie was not wearing a baby tee. Bc in my head she is a 64 year old woman and that ain’t baby tee age.
I’m glad somebody said this!
I pictured her as 64…. and still in a baby tee
Her baby tees are undershirts…plus a lot of folks got crazy aunties
The game is trife. The “home wrecker” will never get true respect from anyone. The fact that she “wrecked” will always be the elephant in the room.
With that being said, The DST nude kickball for lupus is something that I could get behind.
The homewrecker is such a powerful term you think ol girl comes in and straight Hulk smashes everything when in really the home was going fown anyway she was just a slight push. The home”wrecker” is him he is the one destroying everything, if it wasnt her it’d be someone else or even if he had to go LeBron mode and go ringless (yes had to slip that in cuzi think he gets his in 6 next week)
+1 Tristan- They don’t go blameless but they certainly aren’t as much at fault as the cheater. The term is overused and often times misleading
The reason why women always endure the crap more than the men is because it’s the norm to blame women for everything.
LOL.
Yup
The man although he is the cheater that pursued you will still turn around and have the nerve to say “Beyotch you knew I had a wife/GF” — this all goes back to women being the gatekeepers of s.ex, we control when/where/how it’s going down.
lmao at “Hulk smashes”
gave me a great visual of a huge green lady, destroying your bedroom furniture while you and your wife try to hide under the covers. Now THAT is a homewrecker.
For the record, i am #teamauntie all the way in champs scenerio. I dont care @ all what other ppl do, but me personally, i dont mess with married men. Or men who have a gf for that matter. I feel like its waaaay too many men out here for me to be messing with someone elses! I gotta be numero uno. If i was a sideline hoe i’d slit my throat lol.
Giiiirl, I feel the same way. I don’t think its nice to mess with someone else’s man, but the main reason I avoid married men and men with girlfriends is ego. I will be one of two, three, four, ten women you’re smanging. I don’t care, cause I have my harem, too. But I will NOT be #2 to a main chick. Nope. My ego is too big for that.
@ IP and WC- Wow…very interesting. I never thought it mattered if you were sharing the guy anyway, but yall just put me on to a new perspective some women have that I never even thought about like that…hmmm
It’s pretty obvious and men are kinda clueless about it. Even when I explain it to the cubs that get girlfriends. They get this confused puppy look and say, “but why do you care, you didn’t want a relationship with me to begin with”. It’s about power and balance. When were both smanging other people or even if he’s the only one I’m doing and he has a couple of other casual friends, there is a power balance. Nobody has a solid emotional and sexual guarantee. When you have that, other people are desert. You already have a main meal.
Now if you picking up fast food and I’m the burger of the day, I am your main meal. That day. You can get fried chicken tomorrow if you want, not my business. But if you eat steak and baked potatoes every day, why would I want to be your peach cobbler? Peach cobbler is great, delicious, but you can do without it and still eat. I’m gonna be the burger or the steak. Because I will have power. Not gonna be desert. Desert is dispensable.
Exactly!! As long as everyone involved is “single” for all intents & purposes, its all good. But once you give some other chick that “title”, my cookies go back in the jar.
Yall schooling me today. I had no idea it was that deep lol. It makes perfect sense when you break it down like that tho. Goes back to my theory of women having just as big if not bigger egos than men, just about different things. I have no qualms being dessert if I didn’t want anything but sex and occasional conversation with her. It’s better that way for me, but I see your point though. Good analogy. What if she doesn’t actually have a title though? Like if she just happens to be the main chick you kick it with? The one who you enjoy hanging with and doin non-sexual things the most, but you aren’t committed to her? Does that change anything?
Release me from moderation! The Emancipation Proclamation was not a figment of my imagination! Mrs. AfriJay work your black magic! lol
Seriously though, what did I even say? That was extremely tame. I used no harsh language and didn’t say anything about pron smh. It’s a conspiracy I tell u
I’m that chick. Or I will be that chick once you get to know me. Or we not gonna work out. First fwb commandment. I am that chick, thou shalt have no other chicks before me.
“but me personally, i dont mess with married men. Or men who have a gf for that matter.”
I once had a one-night stand with a guy who told me he had broken up with his girl and he was at liberty to do what he pleased. minutes after the encounter, he starts putting restrictions on me, telling me when I can and cannot call him because his “girl” would be there. First, I had NO intention on ever speaking to him again let alone call him and Second, now that you say this, I definitely won’t! I felt so bad that I got duped that I never slept with him again. I don’t like to mess with other girls’ men.
*searches “Alicia” blog entry with Google Chrome find function* Yup, knew this was gonna go there about one paragraph in. Dah well.
free my comment please
HELL YEAH! Well written and now every time I hear trifflin I’m going to remember that image you’ve emblazoned in our minds. Karma is a bitch and that shit will come back and bite you in the ass!
I find it amusing that the said cheater gets angry when cheated on and is no longer interested in excuses or justification or I’msorrys or ifuhadn’t…the responsibility should be on the person who made the commitment, considering it can’t happen w/o permission. the outside person should be adult enough to fall back becuz as soon as the fun-phuckz become work it usually fizzles and it’s on to the next one…
Man getting cheated on is one of the worse feelings you can ever go through in life. You get so aroused by rage, and hatred when you find out about it, and some people get driven to the point of wanting to seek revenge and some might even kill their disloyal lover. However, reality isn’t a respector of our emotions and we need to bow our heads and accept nature, when we’re in it’s presence.
The fact of the matter is cheating is as old as time. It’s been happening for ages, whether you look to Ancient Egypt, Israel, Greece etc. People have done it over and over again. Laws have been created to control it, people have been murdered, disgraced, exiled because of it. Yet, people still go ahead and cheat. Religions have even damned adulterers to some of the deepest parts of hell, yet people still go ahead and go cheat. Doesn’t that tell you that cheating is much deeper than one or two people being simply selfish?
One of the reasons why cheating, especially cheating outside of marriage is deemed as such an offense, isn’t because of people’s adherence to rules of monogamy, it has to do with the false and unnatural interpretation of love that is established by religion: which is that two people can become one. If there is any premise, if there is any foundational idea that sets the downfall for every relationship/marriage, it is the false and unnatural idea of oneness.
You see, twins who nearly have the same genetic makeup, who probably might grow up in the same environment, get the same education, eat the same food etc, never become one because they don’t share the same mind. Yet mystics, spiritualist, and religious leaders have some how put the idea into our head that a man and a woman, simply by making a vow, can achieve the oneness in mind, which is one becoming one with another person would entail. Because of this stupid and unnatural expectation people have never properly dealt with or understood cheating and why it actually happens.
Cheating happens because men and women are inspired by different things when getting into relationships. A man is naturally seeking a ton of women, a woman is naturally seeking the best man. When men or women decide to get marry they decide to put their nature in check for the benefit of their family and the legacy they wish to establish – which is a good thing. If people just decided to go around and do whatever they were naturally inclined to do, there would be no order, there would be no greater mission to accomplish in life etc… there would be no need of deep thought and discovering the mysteries of the universe. However, the bigger point is that this is a thing that requires effort. It requires effort for people not to cheat, especially if they’re unsatisfied with the person they currently are with.
In that case, cheating is simply a person bowing out to their nature. And to show you how natural it is, notice men when they do cheat, the beauty of the woman is never a consideration. Yet when women cheat, they always cheat with the man who has the thing that they’re man was lacking. Cheating is simply someone admitting or falling victim to their nature. Just like someone who decides to eat a piece of steak, when they’re on a veggies diet, is an example of weak will.
When it all comes down to it, cheating is weakness. I’ve been in several relationships, and I manage to stay faithful or just broke up with the girl. She never knew I was fighting tooth and nail, not to say hi, to that girl on the street, just because I know not to f**k with nature. And to be fair, she’s fighting tooth and nail not to go out there and seek a man who is probably better in shape, or has more money than me. She chooses to be with me, and I choose to be with her. If she chooses to give up her body to another dude, emotions aside, I have the freedom of choice to either leave her, or to stay with her and ride it out.
When it all comes down to it, people don’t live their lives on the basis of how other people feel, in order to do that to be realistic, you would have to be concerned with how people think, and create a life based on that idea, and we know how crippling and how damaging an idea like that is to people’s self-esteem. People give you what they give you, and you either accept it or reject it. The purpose of being a good person isn’t for people to feel good, but the purpose of being a good person is based on your own soul and your own legacy. If someone cheats on you, forget about how good or evil you think that person is, only be concerned about it being a good or bad thing for yourself to stay with that person? Not only is that the most important question, it’s the question that will help you maintain your sanity.
I can’t help but feel that if everyone adopted your philosophy, society would burn to the ground.
And people make me cringe when they say that monogamy is not natural and against our true nature. Almost everything that’s good is gonna require hard work. Its harder to get in shape than out of shape. Its harder to be promoted than demoted. Its harder to maintain healthy relationships than it is to let them fester. If anyone wants a good marriage, they’re gonna have to put in serious work and that’s gonna require fidelity.
People have had his views since the beginning of time and the world hasn’t burned to the ground yet. I think you may be misinterpreting the way people think versus the way they act.
Now, what makes you think society would burn based off what I said?
You know, as I read your post, I thought you brought up some good points. Many of which I agree with. Then I started questioning your position, ultimately, questioning myself.
You speak of laws, religion, etc. But that’s OUR view, OUR laws, OUR religion (for the most part, I’m assuming Christian background, whether you practice or not). Many other cultures and religions practice polygamy. You can tell them they are inherently wrong for that, because by your own admittance, man having or seeking multiple partners is in man’s nature. Thus, unlike what you stated, about laws being made to control this, there are laws which keep this “nature” intact.
I’m not agreeing nor disagreeing here, simply stating another perspective.
That should read, “you canNOT tell them they are inherently wrong.”
” When it all comes down to it, people don’t live their lives on the basis of how other people feel, in order to do that to be realistic, you would have to be concerned with how people think, and create a life based on that idea, and we know how crippling and how damaging an idea like that is to people’s self-esteem.”
That lil piece needed to be repeated. The whole post was a gem though. BM, Imma need to holla at u about an opportunity I got for you. E-mail me at BlackKnowledge09@gmail or drop me your e-mail if you’re interested.
Meisarebel, but that’s just semantics though. I think it was relatively obvious that he was talkin about the major Western religions. I see your point though
2mques@gmail.com
And even in cultures where polygamy is practiced, cheating is still a problem. I know a guy who’s Muslim and his father could have had a second wife, but instead chose to cheat on his mother and finally left her for another woman. Cheating is not a problem because of monogamy. Cheating is a problem because people can’t control their urges and impulses and seek the thrill of adultery.
Good point.
*head nod*
“If someone cheats on you, forget about how good or evil you think that person is, only be concerned about it being a good or bad thing for yourself to stay with that person? Not only is that the most important question, it’s the question that will help you maintain your sanity.
This ^^^^^^^^
Can you give examples of permittable cheating that was happening during ancient times? I will wait. I find this argument is a lot like the 50 year old men can always marry a 30 year old and have children. Made up.
I don’t know if they’re referring to the story of Abraham, Sara, and Hagar, but if that’s an example they give for “permittable cheating,” then that is not a good one. Accounts show that Sara allowed Abraham to have a relationship with Hagar because she could not bear children. His son, Ishmael, was born. So that is not cheating. It went from monogamous to polygamous, not adulterous.
Permittable cheating…the point of my comment wasn’t talking about cheating being permittable or not being permittable. In fact, my opinion on the matter is irrelevant. The original point of my comment was to say that what is considered permittable or not is strictly based on the two (or three) people involved. All a relationship is, is an agreement between the people involved, the outsiders only have power and influence if you give it to them, that includes your religion, society, the world etc.
The woman who accepts the man after he cheats and the one who dumps him after he cheats are both the same. The difference is one woman saw value in the man after he cheated and wanted to keep him around, the other simply saw no more value with a man and decided to cut it off. Neither one is morally superior to the other.
“All a relationship is, is an agreement between the people involved, the outsiders only have power and influence if you give it to them, that includes your religion, society, the world etc.”
I think we all agree about that, which is why a lot of people are assigning blame/responsibility on the party that cheated and the outside party s/he cheated with.
If two people enter a private agreement, and someone breaks the terms of the agreement, there are only two things that can happen: either the agreement is continued or the agreement is terminated. Arguing over who is to blame, is of no concern to the parties involved.
You’re making a lot of sense today.
This is too easy. It’s too easy to hate the mistress, then move on.
Having said this…people can be full of shyt. They deserve each other. People who lie in order to f*ck each other deserve each other. Since they’re getting married, they deserve each other especially more since they want to be married to each other so badly.
I have sincerely wished folks like that the best, and told them they deserved each other.
Her whole conversation with her aunt, the fact that her aunt knows he was a married man kills the lie that women can keep secrets when they do dirty deeds in secret.
I have respect for people who are honest — people who say “I had sex with a married man & it was good. I didn’t want to have sex with a single man. I wanted that man & I had him” — people who say “I do not believe in monogamy at all. I had sex with a married man. If I was actually married to him after all this sexing he has my blessings to have sex with any woman he pleases. ”
That is how some people roll.
And things are never going to be equal in terms of race, socio-economic class, gender in our attitudes about the same scenerio played out with different folks.
There are married men who sincerely believe they married for the monogamy, married life with the wife, children home & had affairs for themselves, their own horniness, need to be “bad” and that the two shall never meet.
Men who cheat can compartmentalize themselves. I don’t hear stories of men’s mamas putting on “your marriage/you are trifling” t-shirts.
What would have happened if the woman kept such business to herself, and did not come out publically with the relationship until some time after the divorce?
What if the woman is marrying him knowing full well she’s ok with his having sex with whomever. Sometimes the new wife agrees to less sexual boundaries.
Camille has to be cool with Charles getting a little p#ssy on the side.
Ditto on Alicia Keys.
Moral of the story is that a man can find a woman who will put up with his shyt or participate in it with him.
Word! A lot of women have made the calculus that they’ll accept whatever to have a man. Some men want to put up the front of respectability while humping around like a college sophomore. They definitely deserve each other.
Yes to all of that. The problem I have is when folks who have non-traditional/alternative values try to put on the hard sell to those who think otherwise. Look, believe what you want to believe and know that there is somebody out there who probably subscribes to the same line of thinking. But since I don’t (and you’re not going to change my mind), I suggest you keep it moving.
” What if the woman is marrying him knowing full well she’s ok with his having sex with whomever. Sometimes the new wife agrees to less sexual boundaries.”
Good point, I never even thought about that, but that is a possibility
“Moral of the story is that a man can find a woman who will put up with his shyt or participate in it with him.”
and that’s why society judges the woman harsher than the man when it comes to this situation. Hell, we even judge the wife who was cheated on more than her husband, even going so far as saying, “well if she did her job he wouldn’t have strayed.”
” Hell, we even judge the wife who was cheated on more than her husband”
Nah, I disagree with that. Some people do, but overall he’s still the bad guy. Society is still a lil more harsh on women that cheat than men but most people don’t blame the victim as much or more than the perpetrator. It’s just more likely that they’ll excuse his actions and try to justify his cheating more than they would for a woman that cheated. I’ll definitely concede that point, but not that the victim gets judged harder than the cheater.
There are financial, legal and socio-economic benefits to marriage. When a man (or woman) marries you, he/she is saying ” I bequeath those financial, legal and socio-economic benefits upon you”
Everyone else. It is just sex. It is just conversation. It is just talking shit. It is just entertainment.
We are very naive if we believe that monogamy was a consideration when the institution of marriage came into play in people’s lives.
During slavery it was a big deal to get married because Black people could not legally marry.
After emancipation, Black people married because they loved that person and wanted to protect their family unit. Memories of children torn away and sold away. Memories of a spouse torn away and sold away was raw and real.
Marriage was for the survival of Black families back in the day. Cheating still happened even back in the day.
Men marry because he wants to give his sperm, his money, & share in the legal, financial and social benefits of marriage for the protection and preservation of his progeny.
Let us stop with this romantic love bullshyt stories.
Free my words, please.
These comments are blowing me today. Why is monogamy this incredibly hard, unrealistic thing? It’s simply a choice not to have chex, a very deliberate, vigorous, often intimate act, with more than one person. This can’t be the hardest sh*t in the world; in fact it’s probably the easiest…
Wrong place…
” Why is monogamy this incredibly hard, unrealistic thing? It’s simply a choice not to have chex, a very deliberate, vigorous, often intimate act, with more than one person. This can’t be the hardest sh*t in the world; in fact it’s probably the easiest…”
Excellent questions. I’m not a monogamous person, yet I agree that monogamy is a choice. It’s a choice I made in every relationship I’ve had with a man who requested it & stated that is what he wanted. Because I loved him, I agreed to it.
However, outside of a monogamous relationship, it is very easy for me to deeply care about multiple people, to be sexually attracted to multiple people that I actually know, to love multiple people whom I know and thus enter in much for flexible relationships with them.
It comes naturally for me to love and lust and care deeply about more than one person. We have each other’s back in different ways.
I see no reason to limit myself to one person as I am not under the agreements of a monogamous relationship currently. I call the shots in what I value in my relationships with everybody, platonic friendships included & relationships are often negotiated between friends.
“Men marry because he wants to give his sperm, his money, & share in the legal, financial and social benefits of marriage for the protection and preservation of his progeny.”
Bingo.
@ AWE-
i find it ironic that many people commenting on here today, would not even exist today
had it not been for some slave owner stepping out on his wife to regularly screw any one of his many slave girls.
on many plantations the negro bed wench”s sole purpose was to be booty on demand for a married plantation owner and his sons and colleagues.
I had an engaged woman say to me she didn’t give a f*ck about his wife or his child, after telling me she was engaged to a married man & that he had just left his wife.
The thing is I never asked her how they feel about it.
I paused and then said, “I wish you two the best” and I meant it too. I had nothing more to say. She and he were determined to be married to each other & will probably be married for many years.
We’d like to believe that people who do what they want to do, especially if it involves cheating, will be punished or miserable.
But the thing is some people who do what they wanna do lead happy & fullfilling lives.
That’s a very neutral, and unbiased position. I respect that.
Hi Alicia. I honestly cant blame the girl in this scenario. I know morally wrong but as i said ysterday she’s single and free to persue anyone over 18. Hi Alicia. At the end of the day most of us may not end a marriage but will take someone’s love of their life, father/mother of their children, someone’s wifey material. Bye Alicia.
Oh and “thats not the sugar she wanted” line was straight Keith Stone smooth lol
There is no such thing as a Homewrecker. That is a term that is used by the victim to describe that fact that your relationship was already over and you didn’t get out first. In a good relationship two people bond and they need and complete each other. Everything else is a study in convenience and opportunity where you are with someone because it to your advantage.
“There is no such thing as a Homewrecker. That is a term that is used by the victim to describe that fact that your relationship was already over and you didn’t get out first.”
This comment sounds funny as hell is you read it in Corey Holcomb’s voice, LOL!
I happen to agree with Girl’s aunt. Do you?
*trying hard to sit on hands…..ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
I totally agree with the aunt and applaud everyone who stands for what is right….regardless of who the perpetrators are.
The person who is currently involved with my ex was very much aware that he was married. Her mother, sister, brother, uncle and cat all knew we were married, living in the small house, operating a small business together, driving in the same car…you get where I am going and just like any other relationship we had our issues. However, when she decided to pursue him (and vice versa) they all turned a blind eye to it. When he decided he needed, and I quote “privacy from his wife†to engage in activities with this girl, his mother allowed him to stay at her house….we were still married. When he didn’t have a bed to do his deeds in with the girl (while were were still married) his mother purchased on for him. When this young lady posted on a social networking site that she was in a “RELATIONSHIP†with him (while we were still married) with an anniversary date, his family said and I quote “oh he is just moving on.â€
There is so much more I could say but I won’t because to this day I can’t believe the trifling mess my in-laws and this young lady’s family both allowed while claiming to be Christian people.
Sidenote: Some men on her like to toss around the whole “women win during a divorce†and to that I say rubberish. When you have to explain to a 4 year old why her daddy’s clothes are not in his drawer, when she comes and points to the empty spot in the closet and ask where did he go, when she cries at school every day for months because he won’t come to see her, when at 9pm every night she cries because he is not there to read her their favorite bedtime story, when she randomly says to me “mommy I want my daddy to be a good daddy again and love me and come home to play with meâ€â€¦..how is that winning?!?!? What have I won, what has she won?!?!? I could have asked for alimony…I didn’t and I don’t get child support….where is the winning?!??!
Well, you must be a decent human if you actually thought of the emotional part after the divorce. I know some women who think like “I got that ninja’s cash, so I’m GOOD!” You, on the other hand, actually saw dude as a human being with emotions and ish.
Why can’t more women think like you?
“I know some women who think like “I got that ninja’s cash, so I’m GOOD!—
That’s a lie to hide the pain.
That’s even worse. That means because a woman is hurt, she feels the need to just hurt the dude more. Why not be the bigger person, admit you’re hurt, move to heal your own wounds, and move on? Making someone suffer because you’re hurt isn’t justice. It’s revenge. All of that lost money isn’t going to affect the new relationship one bit.
“All of that lost money isn’t going to affect the new relationship one bit.”
Actually… IT WILL.
When 2nd wife can’t get that new coach bag she saw in the cosmo magazine because her now hubby has to pay EX WIFE alimony/child support PLUS little junior’s baseball league fees… Oh trust afterawhile it will start to affect the new relationship.
Don’t Get Mad — Take Everything #Ivana Trump
Ivana!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry Breezy.
The flip side of it are the lies and stories that he tells his own family about you. (Just as he lies to you, the wife to hide his affairs) So, as a wife, you have no idea he’s been lying to them to the point where they don’t like you and don’t give a **** that he’s cheating on you — all because he told them lies.
In reading your story I could see 2 possibilities as to why your in-laws DGAF about you or its effects on your child together.
i don’t agree with the aunt, as I stated below, but I have to admit I would have been mad at everybody…
@Breezy:
Wow. This gave me a sad. Hard to believe so many people were willing to aid and abet your ex in his triflingness instead of encouraging him to work it out with you. It sounds like the two of you were a young couple with ambition and goals; if someone wanted to derail you, your marriage could’ve been seen as just collateral damage. I hope you’ve recovered from this, and that you and your daughter are okay now.
I have to forgive DAILY because the experience was (and is) hard. The betrayal from him and my in-laws is the hardest because we were all so close…I am talking 10 years of togetherness, so trust me there were days I just wanted to curl up in a hole and die. Understand that he was not only messing with this young lady but 4 other chicks AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. The funny thing was while he was spreading his self thin with these chicks, he was home with me professing his love, preparing to renew our vows, tearing it up in the sack, cooking, cleaning, doing normal husband/father things….so I was completely knocked out when things started to unfold.
It’s been a long hard road and daily it’s a challenge because of our daughter. She wasn’t a baby who was unaware of her dad and she loves him dearly. So it’s the moments when she says some random thing like “mommy I know you miss your best friend, Daddy, cause I miss him tooâ€â€¦its shid like that, that brings it back and I have to just smile and say to her, “its ok Baby,I know he misses you too†and keep it moving in a positive way.
That’s one thing about cheating; one person is out ‘satisfying his/her needs’ not considering or maybe not caring that they are betraying someone’s trust, and betrayal is a monster to have to deal with. It’s spiritual murder, a knife in the back from someone you trusted and thought you could count on.
People who find that they can’t stand the marriage / relationship heat, should get out the kitchen instead of burning the house down.
I’m glad to hear you’re getting better. I hope you have a strong support system to help you and your daughter get through.
Damn cool breeze…..
the children are the ones that always truly get screwed….
Dem damn Deltas messing it up for errrybody!!!!! *I kid, I did*
Ol girl knew the game and was an active participant. Women know when a man’s kicking game and wedding rings are like the scarlet letter. The ONLY reason a married individual should be exchanging a phone number is in connection to a business / philanthropic efforts and the coffee is a corporate expense.
I know some women who actively seek married men because they get the chex and none of the baggage. Similar to cats I knew who only got with women with kids because they knew ol girl puts out.
And can I say we should start a dating service to hook these two groups up? I think taking them out of circulation would do the human race some good.
@ Todd
Greed is good my friend….
+1
Ask and ye shall receive.
http://www.AshleyMadison.com
http://www.DiscreetAdventures.com
http://www.NoStringsAttached.com
The More You Know… *cuesNBCchime*
lol
So I’m assuming you want in on me and Todds business plan
?
“Similar to cats I knew who only got with women with kids because they knew ol girl puts out.”
The first time I have ever heard this…and iDied.
Really? I have heard this quite a few times. Maybe I need to hang out with better people. LOL
LOL, yes, whoever said that ain’t no good!
I see absolutely nothing wrong with what PDiddy does with his women. They are all in agreement. Cassie is the girlfriend. There are three women who had Diddy’s babies. There was no marriage and PDiddy doesn’t do monogamy.
And people join the witch-hunt against gay marriage because it “threatens the sanctity of marriage.” SMH.
You just touched the tip of the iceburg on that one
I blame 80% the one in the marriage messing on the outside, how ever its only decent to leave married folks alone..GO FIND SOME ONE UNATTACHED. Cheating is so bad among married folks back home(UGANDA) with singletons and other married folks..its trendy.. it takes more strength not to cheat..than to say i had lots of options..non cheaters get my respect. If you marriage is so bad get out…you are not blood relatives..
Funny i do not see Alicia’s talent anymore after she could not get a man of her own
“If you marriage is so bad get out…”
Yes.
Hey, Champ, why is it all your hypothetical stories somehow involve the Deltas? Every. Single. One. I’m thisclose to asking Mariah Carey to cut a remix for her song “Obsessed” specifically for the Deltas. I can even see Nick Cannon in the video stepping in a Que t-shirt.
Now, I’m going to take this story on a different angle: the side dude. As the regulars know, I did spend some time in the swing world, so I’ve been involved with women in open marriages, women with “understandings” and things of that nature. (Though to be fair, there were plenty of single women I came across as well.) I’ve even been in situations where I’ve literally broken break with the husbands of some of these women. Like dude, could you pass the spaghetti? The funny thing was even though some of these women told me to their face that I was too young for them, or that they’d originally had a certain age in mind, you can extra credit for being young and a certain way. *kanyeshrug*
Speaking as that dude, I know it was dumb in hindsight. I had a serious need for a mommy figure as me and my mom didn’t really get along. Of course, like any hormonal dude in their 20s, I wanted to get some, and I figured out a way to do it with ease. Most importantly, I wanted some attention from women, and it seemed a safe easy way to do it. Why deal with shady a$$ women who can mess with your head when you can just have fun, chill, get some, perhaps get some good food and keep it moving. I was in control of the interaction, so I could get ahead of the game.
Taking it back to the original angle Champ took, my wife has told me that she dealt with a lot of married and boo-ed up dudes over the years. Her take on it was that she didn’t have to deal with the hard part of actually dealing with the dude. The mundane stuff about building a life, spending quality time and all that was on someone else. She could just have her fun and just send the guy on home. It’s a f*cked up way to go, but that mindset is real.
“my wife has told me that she dealt with a lot of married and boo-ed up dudes over the years. ”
This scares me the most about getting married. I have friends who deal with married men on a regular basis, wives have absolutely no idea.
Actually that is not a problem. It is when #2 wants #1 status.
i will admit i have been with a married man before… i started as his #2 & it just kept going.. fast forward 3 yrs he’s engaged and we didn’t stop seeing each other, then another year and he was married but we were still seeing each other… i didn’t want to break up his home, i wasn’t trying to move to #1.. i liked him, hanging out with him and he was a good lover… i felt no remorse because i told myself was just holding him down for her and without me who the hell knows what he would be out in the streets doing?!?!?
i am still a work in progress, its the free love spirit i have in me… hell i’ve been a #1, #2, #3, #4 & a #5 before (not to married men but men that were in relationships)… like i said, i am still working on me…
I like your honesty.
I like her mentality/reality more than her honesty. I definitely laughed at the “If I hadn’t been there holding her down who knows what he would’ve been out in these streets doin.” LMFAO! In a strange and weird way I sorta agree with you on that part, but it still made me BOL. It really was better and safer that he was cheating with only one consistent person. Obviously he was still wrong though. Dishonesty is cruel but usual punishment smh
How do you know there weren’t more?
because when we started there were quite a few plus me and over the years it just became him, her and yoles… he was honest with me in that regard and once he got engaged he wasn’t gonna be “that” dude… we would speak about his wondering pe.nis and he would say that fact that he was truly holding two full separate relationships together (i did get to full fledged mistress status, dates, small trips, gifts, phone calls everyday, accompanying him to doctor visits she couldn’t make it to when he had a bout of cancer, helping him purchase mothers day gifts for his mom etc…) kept him in a state of satisfaction that being with one women just couldn’t do… i felt for his lady and did feel that every extra nasty thing i did, kept his azz out the streets… its a strange mentally but it was the actuality for that time and experience…
+10
hey Yoles!!!
How was he able to keep his emotions for you and her separate and sane at the same damn time?!
we loved… i subscribe to the uncommon belief that love, ALL love is boundless and magical… i don’t think that loving one person prevents you from loving another, i don’t believe that at all… i am sure that the love he feels for me is different than the one for his spouse but love all the same… he made me feel, s.exy, smart, special, hot, appreciated etc and i truly believe he made his wife feel the same even more so… its so hard to explain especially to women from monogamous societies that i didn’t wish harm on his home, marriage or life outside of me… we were just good together… & i was good for him
I see. I don’t come from a monogamous society, and that’s why I was SO curious as to how he was able to juggle the both of you hidden from each other…it’s a LOT of work on him.
Yup. Yoles is like the ideal mistress, keepin ninjas out the streets and making sure they don’t feel the desire to be whorin around. One person just can’t fulfill everything another person wants. Men seem to be able to understand this (even though many of them still wanna have their cake and eat it too, but not let the woman do the same) Plus you seem very valuable as a platonic friend. Wish I lived near you
awww what a sweet thing to say… we can still be friends long distance!!
“This scares me the most about getting married. I have friends who deal with married men on a regular basis, wives have absolutely no idea.”
+1
+ 2
+5,000
When a married guy hits on me all I can think about is if my (theoretical future) husband would ever do this. Then I end up looking like I’m about to cry and just walking away, leaving him very confused.
” I wanted to get some, and I figured out a way to do it with ease. Most importantly, I wanted some attention from women, and it seemed a safe easy way to do it. ”
Yes, I can totally understand a person feeling that way.
You know I was once told by a married man that he loved the benefits of marriage, loved his kids having someone to care for them while he worked his 4 jobs to provide. He said his need for sex was high while his wife’s need for it was very low and had been for years. For him having affairs was his easy access to the type of sex he wanted & the types of friendships he cherished. He’s looking for a new wife & stepmother already, before divorce is finalized. *shrugs*
The question is why marry someone you can’t have sex as much as you’d like and that you can’t be friends with? A wife should be more than a live-in nanny.
Todd you’d be surprised the married men who view a wife like this. The woman who sleeps with me, cooks for me, takes care of my children.
When she stops sleeping with him because of hormonal changes, because she never really liked sex and just had sex with him until she was married, or because she’s tired from working all the time, married men then go to a mistress to fill in for sex if they don’t wanna give up the benefits and perks of having a wife.
Dream…the impossible dream! LOL Seriously, I didn’t get that mindset. I can take care of my own kids and cook my own meals. That was partly why I wanted to live on my own before getting married. I wanted to make sure I could function as an adult without needing someone to take care of me.
Also, can I say last week when I mentioned my high school days with regard to how girls treated me, and your response, took me back to some stuff I had truly blocked out of my mind. I didn’t realize how hurt I was by all the teasing and talking about me behind my back, and I really had to have a good cry about that. Thanks for that AWE. I really needed it to face up to some of my own dumb stuff.
“I can take care of my own kids and cook my own meals. That was partly why I wanted to live on my own before getting married. I wanted to make sure I could function as an adult without needing someone to take care of me.”
+ FOREVER!!!!
My mom always said, as she was watching me iron, that she would not raise a hen pecked man. To this day, I iron and fold clothes better than my wife. I thanked my mom every time I spoke with her in college when I would see guys and girls with pink clothes or halfway cooked chicken.
+ Mama raised you right!
lmao @ the pink chicken and clothes though! LOL
* hugs * Todd
“That was partly why I wanted to live on my own before getting married. I wanted to make sure I could function as an adult without needing someone to take care of me.”
+ 1
AWE-”When she stops sleeping with him because of hormonal changes, because she never really liked sex and just had sex with him until she was married.” – If a woman stops having sex with a man because she doesn’t like and never liked it- That man has the right,IMHO, to go outside of the marriage. You don’t see a woman doing that scenario as wrong? Seriously?
Eric MD,
I find it highly irresponsible and selfish to think that just because you’re ok with not having sex, that your spouse should be too.
Then again, you’re typing to someone who does not believe in stopping having sex in a marriage unless you are physically incapable of having sex.
And if I was a wife who did not want to have sex with my husband, but knew he wanted to remain married to me, & I wanted to remain married to him, he’d have my blessing to step out of the marriage. I imagine some women who are set on not having sex with their spouse in years are like ” You don’t even need my blessing, just go f*ck someone”
h.ell i’m not old or sick and i do have a healthy s.exual appetite and drive but like you said sometimes hormones just take me off of it for a while and at that time i am ready to tell my dude.. “son you need to call somebody & get some azz cause chasing me around and climbing on top of me in my sleep aint getting me hot right now” i think sometimes my toto just wants a chance to miss penetration and build up anticipation & during those times its more than my blessing its an order!!
+1! Let someone else pick up the slack when i dont want to be bothered!
“i think sometimes my toto just wants a chance to miss penetration and build up anticipation”
That’s real. You need to ache for it sometimes, which most men’s sexual appetites don’t allow for. I’m definitely not telling mine to go get some elsewhere though, so idk what the solution is…other than some pron and a couple glasses of wine to get your mind right lol.
“You don’t see a woman doing that scenario as wrong? Seriously?”
Yes, the woman is wrong- no question about it. Women (or men) who purposely withhold sex in a marriage are incredibly selfish. But the answer is not stepping outside of your relationship. Either find a way to fix the problem or get out.
Strangely enough, my opinion on this is twisted. I actually have some level of sympathy for the guy (I’m a man, sue me). For as much as it may be “wrong”, who’s to say he doesn’t still love his wife. And note, the definition of love is not universal.
Also note I’m still playing devil’s advocate.
I have a friend in this situation now. Her husband’s sex drive died after their second child (he’s older) and she told me flat out she doesn’t like him. So while she would rather spend her nights f*cking till she was blind and crippled she invests them in her kids. And because of their history it would be too complicated for her to up and leave. Life is too short imo to spend it hoping the person I married died first to get my freedom.
That’s a really depressing scenario. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t cheat in this situation…but idk. I could see it happening.
“Her take on it was that she didn’t have to deal with the hard part of actually dealing with the dude. The mundane stuff about building a life, spending quality time and all that was on someone else. She could just have her fun and just send the guy on home. It’s a f*cked up way to go, but that mindset is real.”
but you could do that with single dudes too, non? there are plenty of single dudes who would love that kind of arrangement lol. Not judging her, just that I come across a lot of these dudes. Hell, I’m in an “open relationship” myself, but he’s not attached.
You’re right, but the fear is of something more intimate. When the guy is already married, it precludes such escalation into something more. When the guy is single, there’s always the risk of him wanting to step it up.
That’s actually my reason for keeping all relationships open. Too afraid of emotional intimacy and the responsibilities that come from real relationships.
There’s a film by Agnes Varda called Happiness (Le bonheur), I think if some of you see it you would certainly have some visceral reactions to cheating and the concept of fidelity.
I’m really starting to get into film…keep suggesting stuff! I’m gonna check out your blog too.
“I happen to agree with Girl’s aunt. Do you?”
LOL, no.
Homegirl has done the impossible. Married men rarely leave for the mistress. Score! No amount of disdain from family members, shaming, or head-shaking will be more punishment than what this woman already knows to be true:
He cheated on his first wife and she didn’t even know. Then he left her. She could be setting herself up for the same sh*t and wouldn’t know until his bags are packed. That’s going to be rattling in the back of her mind everyday for the next x years until he’s too old be a h0 (approximately 63). No anti-trife baby tees needed.
People can be mad, but mad at the “other woman”- nah. Unless she lured your man out the house with Scooby-snacks and brainwashed him to believe you were really an alien [alienation of affection?], he was looking for it. Of course we get mad if someone tries to take something that belongs to us, but unlike property we have no legal rights to someone’s mind, spirit or soul. Love is always up for the taking.
Amen sister preach on!!!!!!!
“Unless she lured your man out the house with Scooby-snacks”
Now WIP you know Scooby ain’t doing nuttin for just one Scooby-snack. LOL!
“…unlike property we have no legal rights to someone’s mind, spirit or soul. Love Lust is always up for the taking.”
I need to work on my HTML code
Strikeout “Love” and add in “Lust”.
I’m sorry but just because people are married doesn’t mean they still love each other… and actually love and lust are for the taking.
Great post WIP, it’s a cold world. You’re sort of proving out point about monogamy though…
Great post WIP, it’s a cold world. You’re sort of proving our point about monogamy though…
He could have left the wife for the other woman before cheating on the wife. Why should that other woman settle for being an appetizer before becoming part of the grand course? I don’t understand how she should walk away unscathed.
I’m late as hell, but, you hit the nail on the head!
I agree with Auntie’s anti-triflin’ stance. I see it as a matter of self-respect (the single one cheating with the married one) and self-control (the married one stepping out).
Maybe because I’m still a romantic, I believe that if you don’t want to be married, meaning honoring the vows and committing to that one person for life, then don’t get married.
IMHO, what a marriage is/could be/should be is bastardized and cheapened by making it into nothing but a legal arrangement. If that’s what you want out of it get a lawyer, and arrange for medical power of attorney, purchase your home in such a way that you have rights of survivorship, make each other the beneficiary of insurance, and etc., so that the benefits of Mr. & Mrs. Inc. are secured.
There are horny married people who’d rather f*ck than wait until all the legal stuff to be finalized. And there are married people who’d rather f*ck other people and KEEP the spouse!
Slightly off-topic, but I just feel so…..icky when I get hit on by a married man. I mean, did I put something out there that makes this ninja think I’m willing to play second fiddle for him? It doesn’t give me the same “Riunite on Ice” feeling I get when an unattached man approaches me, no matter how attractive he is. I can’t see myself getting involved with a married man for this reason; yes, I realize it’s very superficial.
I’m Team Auntie. In fact, I have an aunt who would probably wear that shirt in a size smedium. LOL
“I just feel so…..icky when I get hit on by a married man. I mean, did I put something out there that makes this ninja think I’m willing to play second fiddle for him?”
I had to tell this to someone recently. Why would you even entertain a married man who’s trying to hit on you? What does that say about him and his character?
From age 17 till today married men of all backgrounds have constantly hit on me. I had one guy blow me a kiss in front of his wife, smh. Dating has been blah for me because of this. I’m not willingto play that game.
this is interesting to me. I have a friend who keeps a married man. she’s not one who says she does it on purpose; she actually wants a relationship. sometimes she knows they’re married, sometimes not. i’m wondering, since men do the approaching, why do married men keep approaching her? I wonder if married men have a type. I’ve been solicited a few times by married dudes, but not consistently.
WIP, Married men who cheat keep trying until they reach land. That’s all it is. You’re not special if a married man hits on you. You’re just one of many women he’s fishing for to see who catches.
“I wonder if married men have a type.”
This is an excellent question. My guess is that they simply look for someone relatively attractive and attentive who can keep their mouth shut… outside of the bedroom anyway
Think2inspire,
When you say “Dating has been blah for me because of this.” Are you saying that you’ve pretty much given up on dating single and available men because married men hit on you??
No b. I’m becoming wry because the same type of guy keeps approaching me but I am unwilling to give them what they want. Feeling very Drake “Trust Issues-y” Out of 10 guys who approach me 6 will be married and two have girlfriends. Fug that! I enjoy being single and doing hoodrat things but I want to do them with a single person.
I’m with you on this. I am repulsed by married strangers who try to approach me. Nothing makes “I’m just some chump who is not that serious about you” more obvious than the wedding band on his finger.
Now, dealing with a guy that you’ve already been in love with, and married someone else after that…for me, the distancing has taken a bit more work.
“Maybe you didn’t sign a marriage contract yourself, but by willingly allowing him to pursue and court you while you were fully aware that he was married, you’re just as triflin as his ass is. “…
I concur.
“willingly allowing him to pursue and court you while you were fully aware that he was married, you’re just as triflin as his ass is. “…
Or her azz
Women are masters of the game; let us not forget that too. My case study / confession.
One day I went to visit my girl and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me her husband was coming back from the war and how she was only trying to be “serviced” and found herself liking me more than she should. During the conversation, I began to notice the discoloring of the walls where it appeared pictures had hung. You never notice these things when you only come over at night and she doesn’t wear a ring. I quickly hit her with the jedi “You don’t know me” mind trick, changed dorm rooms, and kept it moving.
I was in college in a millitary town during Desert Storm. I was always amazed how the clubs were teeming with women that were very friendly
I was going to edit the quote to read his/her, he/she, etc. but I agree with you one hunnid. The triflinicity is gender neutral….
Lol @ “triflinicity”… Nice word, should be in the dictionary.
@ Sigma- D@mn, so you thought she was your exclusive girlfriend? Smh, sorry to hear that man
@ Justmetheguy
I was a young dude in a new state trying to find his way and I found a steady piece in a place where on campus guys outnumbered girls 8 to 1; 15 to 1 if broken down by ethnicity (black).
I was more concerned about some trained killer snuffing me out than how I may have felt about her.
OH ok. Well that’s good to hear. Good thing you wasn’t all caught up in ya chest and whatnot. Life or death is much more serious
I’m glad you mentioned that. Women are cheaters too. My best friend has had flings with married women. And these women seemed to show no remorse whatsoever. It’s so gender neutral.
Me too!
I think everyone is to blame… and therefore, no one is to blame. Follow me will you?
The cheater: For breaking the union between them and their spouse. But, if they were happy in their relationship with said spouse there would be no desire to break said union with the spouse… no fault
The spouse: For not working with cheater on marital issues so there would be no desire to cheat. But, you can’t stop someone from doing what they want to do… no fault
The “homewrecker”: For providing an opportunity for cheater to cheat. But, they haven’t made any agreements to uphold said marriage between cheater and spouse… no fault
No one is to blame and yet everyone is to blame.
From a personal standpoint, I’ve been cheated on… I’ve been the cheater… I’ve been the homewrecker (GASP). In each situation my intentions were never to hurt anyone. To me I was just trying to live a happy life and as I grow older I realize that’s all that’s important to me, and all that needs to be. And in those situations I was unsuccessful at being happy. I don’t think being in those roles makes you right or wrong tho, it’s just an outward expression of your unhappiness. Period. You’re reacting to a stimulus. I just make sure my stimuli don’t trigger that kind of behavior in me. So I don’t deal with married men anymore because they have a lot of “unhappy marriage baggage” which makes me unhappy… NO THANK YOU! So I don’t cheat because when I’m unhappy I just don’t stick around long enough anymore to need to cheat… by that time I’m single… and tho I’ve been cheated on, I take my responsibility in encouraging that behavior (I was a neglectful girlfriend when I was cheated on) and I either let it go or let him go, but either way I’m freed from the hurt.
You were a home wrecker? Scandalous. I’m not really sure if finding and assigning blame in those situations really resolves anything.
What can I say? It happens.
But also, that’s the point… it doesn’t resolve anything.
Wow….I’m speechless at how real that post was. YeahSo you seem to “get it”. Everybody takes everything so personal, but you laid it out so well that people need to be sure to re-read your post. I might have to disagree on how much blame the cheater gets, but I definitely understand why they do it. Everyone’s trying to find happiness no matter how misguided and hurtful it could potentially be to someone else. My solution, just don’t agree to monogamy in the first place. Ppl will look at you like a fool or a selfish prick, but after they get cheated on by someone they would’ve never expected it from they’ll look back and say “I should’ve listened to that mofo that suggested that monogamy wasn’t realistic”
“My solution, just don’t agree to monogamy in the first place.”
-LOL… that seems a bit excessive. Monogamy is possible, but communication is the glue that keeps couples together. Example: If you’re are interested in sleeping around. First, identify why (bored in the bedroom, lonely, curious etc). Second, have a grown-up conversation with your partner about said desires. Third, work together towards a resolution. It starts to become problem when your partner isn’t given the OPPORTUNITY to decide how they want to handle your desires on their own. When you cheat, you force their hand. When dude cheated on me he would complain about our issues but never did he say “I’m thinking about f*cking around. How do you feel about that? Can we nip this in the bud before I do?” Personally, I would have liked to have the chance to answer those questions. But monogamy is definitely possible.
“It starts to become problem when your partner isn’t given the OPPORTUNITY to decide how they want to handle your desires on their own. When you cheat, you force their hand.”
^ This!! + 1,000,001. I hope everyone reads this, it sums up everything up so nicely. The problem isn’t the fact that someone wants to cheat. Of course we want to sleep with other people, it’s natural. It becomes a problem though when you don’t come to your spouse in an honest way to address it.
” Everyone’s trying to find happiness no matter how misguided and hurtful it could potentially be to someone else. My solution, just don’t agree to monogamy in the first place.”
Yep.
JMTG… i see that you speak about polyamory but in my experience most men speak a good game but can’t actually play… i have explained to many a dude it takes a strong, strong man to agree to allow the woman/women he believes is his to have relations with other people… its not weak, simpish or beta or whatever… its a strength that has to be there, a confidence that what is yours can’t be taken by a roll in the hay, a feeling that is reinforced by the fact that the women you are with enjoy your for much more than the physical etc…
Dudes want exclusive (on her end) P&C* not poly-relationships. I’ve had this conversation with a lot of dudes and when it isn’t Mormon like where the women operate as sister wives they start getting mad uncomfortable at the prospect that one of the women they’re in a relationship with desires or starts her own branch of poly.
*P#ssy and Companionship
@ YeahSo- That would take a mature, secure, and open-minded woman for that solution to work, but I do like the logical and pragmatic nature of it in theory. It definitely can and will work with some (maybe even a lot of) people so good points.
@ Yoles- Don’t get it twisted, I’ve thought about that MANY MANY times. The truth of the matter is that it would take some getting used to, and it would definitely hurt my ego in the short term but I KNOW I would get over it. (If I can get over being cheated on and still love the sinner after some time has passed then I know it’s not just wishful thinking) The spiritual path I’m on already is towards letting go of expectations, unnecessary interpretations, the ego and its destructive nature and the desire to “control”. Especially when we’re talkin about controlling someone else’s body and desires. I don’t want to put anybody through that because I know how it feels to be restricted by someone else’s feelings and ego and it’s really silly and inconsiderate (not quite as inconsiderate as cheating though) in my opinion. Since when did everyone get so sold on the idea that you can’t have true love without monogamy? Monogamy never struck me as unconditional love. I really wanna know what unconditional love feels like and I would rather the door be open and you stay and not stray because you don’t want to, not because you’re obligated by law or some agreement we made back when i felt differently than I currently do
Excellent point, Yoles! When people ask why polygamy is allowed for men but polyandry is frowned upon, ask yourself, can a man REALLY handle his woman being with other men? At the end of the day, women can handle it, but men can’t.
The cheater: For breaking the union between them and their spouse. But, if they were happy in their relationship with said spouse there would be no desire to break said union with the spouse… no fault
I think this is bull$hit. If you are married, and have the traditional vows (forsaking all others), and you are unhappy, you have two choices: 1) work on the issues in the marriage or 2) get separated or divorce. Within the confines of the vows that you took, stepping out is not an acceptable choice.
You’re entitled to that opinion. I think the problem with alot of people especially women is that our expectations for others often overshadows the reality of the situation. Yes, if someone is unhappy they can leave or try to resolve… OR cheat. Sorry, you lose… thanks for playing. You can’t control what someone else does or does not do. And that is why the cheater isn’t at fault. All humans (animals) have the right to react to unhappiness how they choose. As responsible partners tho, it’s your responsibility to work together to maintain that happiness for the both of you… if you don’t duh well… you just might get cheated on.
” You can’t control what someone else does or does not do. ”
That is the maddening thing about marriage & relationships. LMAO
” All humans (animals) have the right to react to unhappiness how they choose. As responsible partners tho, it’s your responsibility to work together to maintain that happiness for the both of you”
I concur. Well stated
Agreed. There was always the option to leave and not cheat. There is fault in forgoing that option.
Why would someone leave if they don’t want to go?
Not “wanting” to go is neither here nor there. Your spouse doesn’t “want” to be a married to a cheater but you’re taking that choice from them.
See, there you go expecting people to put your happiness before their unhappiness and then expecting them to react to their unhappy the way that is most comfortable for you.
I hate to say this, but Yeah So is right. If your relationship is based on how happy the other person makes you and vice versa then people should act in the most self-serving way possible. Has to be something else to the relationship besides mutual pleasure and enough limits to where you are not physically having sex with two people while technically being in a relationship. Something deeper.
Yes. It’s wrong to hate the homewrecker, too. The fact that I was born out of my parents homewrecking ways may have influenced my answer a bit though
.
I don’t consider my mom the only or even the primary homewrecker in my situation. It’s not because she’s my mom. She could’ve been any woman with a different story. This title belongs to my pa, the messy homewrecker.
Mother was unaware that father was a married man, and she became pregnant with older brother. She decided not to go through the abortion which father provided the payment for. Consequently, grandpa asked father to marry mother. That’s when the messy homewrecker disclosed to grandpa that he couldn’t marry mother because he had r-e-s-p-o-n-s-i-b-i-l-i-t-i-e-s. He’s married with children. They moved in together in another house instead. Mother continues to feel guilty and more lack of agency. Father is [still] on some “In Africa, men have many wives. It’s better to have [more] children than not to have any. The marriage bond children create between men and woman is stronger than the marriage certificate.” Then, I was born, two years later, well into their homewrecking relationship
.
Throughout it all, even after father moved to the states, divorced his first wife, mother truly believed that he should return to his first wife. She vocalized it on several occasions, and she said she plans to go her separate way with father. Mother didn’t believe in divorce. His and her position throughout this situation confirm my belief that I was the since-I’m-living-in-your-house-here-comes-the-out-of-responsibility-child
.
In the end, I’m grateful mother experienced more agency, left the homewecking compound behind, decline father’s hand in marriage, and became a happier & less guilt-ridden wife of some gentleman.
The messy homewecker is communicating better with his first wife, courting different women, and he says that he wishes to settle down.
I disagree with hating the homewreckers, the husband/wife and the other wo/man. Nevertheless, I agree with the aunt that both homewreckers, including my father and mother, are triflin for their homewrecking ways. I’m not down for assuming, lack of clarity, and dishonesty. Whether you believe in monogamous or polyamourous relationships is perfectly fine. Nevertheless, ask and answer questions concerning these topics clearly, to all party involved, in the beginning stages of the relationship or before you engage in all kinds of shadiness. Unlike the aunt, I would probably attend the wedding. I know that would attend my mother and father’s wedding, with no reservation, if it turned out that way
.
“Mother was unaware that father was a married man, and she became pregnant with older brother.”
Your mommy is not a homewrecker here, in my opinion anyway, as she was unaware of his marital status. From your story, she sounds like a great person (no sarcasm or cynicism).
Cosign about your Mom. She’s sounds like an awesome lady.
Asiyah & Ali, she is actually great & awesome and not so great and awesome when she’s coming for me and older brother
.
The thing is enough people in her community considered her a homewrecker, shamed her, and excluded her. She kept her head up, took care of her business, but it still affected her & caused her enough pain.
Since she was already in the situation, I wish she would’ve cared even less, then, remove herself away from the situation faster. She gave birth to me, and father was still legally married. Why did she do that for?
I’m one of those people who actually appreciates all the priviledges life has offered me thus far, and I’ll always be this way. At the same time, I would appreciate it just the same if I wasn’t born, and I realize that’s okay.
Lies lies
Using lies as alibis
Made for simple minds…..
See, it all boils down to some type of lying. In the situation the married person knows the truth and knows what the other person believes. Married person knows what spouse believes. Married person knows what jump-off believes. Married person has the power of information. Everyone else is being lied to in some form or another.
What if the you meet someone you are actually more compatible with after you get married? Is it promised that you will meet “the one” in chronological order before you meet say “the fourth”? The notion of romantic love is really based on the premise of placing your individual happiness before all utility and social concern. Not really compatible with the institution of marriage which is designed with the greater social fabric as the primary benefactor at the expense of individual wants. Marriage is long term and practical, the euphoria of love is fleeting. Somehow these competing paradigms have come to be viewed as natural continuations of one another.
So really (I’m seriously asking, not arguing either side), what is marriage really about, social responsibility or the happiness of the individuals? Unless you have a clear answer to that question then you can’t really have a consistent stance on if anybody is wrong in that scenario.
I hear your point.
That’s why I brought up married couples who are happily married and have been for a long time — and were seeing each other while one or the other was married to someone else.
Sometimes people end up with the woman or man they love deeply and end up married for many years after all the “triflingness”.
Swiss Cheese and Keys could very well remain married a long time. How long have Camille & Charles been together pre- and post-their wedding to each other?
@Medium Meech:
Once you marry ‘the one”, how do you envision that the circumstances would come about such that love could bloom between you and “the fourth”?
I can understand being attracted to someone else, lots of someones else; what I can’t understand is, knowing that love takes time to develop, and a relationship that could conceivably end in marriage requires committment on a number of levels, how are you going to be puttin’ that kind of time into some other relationship when you are married, and therefore committed already?
The point of what I was saying is what if you marry the fourth and then meet the one? It is probable that you will meet people that you are better suited to spend the rest of your life with after you are married. Sustainable relationships take time and commitment to develop, not love. You don’t earn love. Can trust, respect and commitment enhance love? Absolutely. But more times than not, the sacrifice needed to develop a strong relationship is what kills love.
@Medium Meech:
I am being very serious when I ask: Then where does it end?
If every time you move into a house, you find greener grass in your neighbor’s yard, when do you finally make the commitment to tend to your own garden?
In a 50% domestic divorce rate? I’m not advocating either side of the argument. My question was about the meaning of marriage.
@Medium Meech:
Okay, I’ll try again; perhaps I misunderstood. While marriage is definitely a social benefit, I would think that most people who marry do so for their own happiness. A more stable society is a happy result. I don’t know that in the US of A there are too many people trying to engineer a better society by marrying.
That is an intriguing perspective, though. Maybe if we lived in a society where marriages were the result of social engineering, cheating would then be a capital offense. I kid…
@Medium Meech:
Actually, giving this a bit more thought, there are cases where marriages are ‘arranged’ for various reasons. The examples that come to mind are when people from wealthy families marry to keep the money and bloodlines restricted to a known group, or in some countries where it’s done that way as a matter of course. India comes to mind. Love doesn’t necessarily enter into the picture. If you love your intended, you’re blessed indeed. If you can come to love each other in time, again, that’s fortunate. If not, then I suppose both parties have to make it work however they can and hope for the best I guess…
Let me clarify too, I’m not saying that people marry because they think it benefits society, but because good citizens or good Christians get married because that’s what you’re supposed to do, and society benefited. Thus a social contract. People got and stayed married because of the stigma attached to being a bachelor or a divorcee. Good people don’t behave like that. The sanctity of marriage superseded desires of the individual participants. You didn’t leave because your spouse wasn’t a good listener.
Marriage based on love is by its very nature is centered on the relationship of the two participating. Their mutual benefit is primary (as you stated). Not a sacred oath before God and family where that is being done mostly because of it’s intrinsic righteousness. If that’s the case, isn’t moving on to someone who makes you happier not really that objectionable since your union was based on hedonism in the first place?
As I said originally, the self-serving nature of romantic love is almost in perfect opposition to the communal institution of marriage.
A marriage based on romantic love does not preclude ” a sacred oath before God and family where that is being done mostly because of it’s intrinsic righteousness”. Just because the marriage is not founded on duty alone does not make it any less sacred, the vow is no less an oath before God and family, and it’s no less righteous.
You make it sound like there’s less honor to lose if one of the parties in the romantic scenario wants to leave, since this union is less substantive, or less ‘serious’ for lack of a better word right now. Any way you look at it, it’s not the moving on that’s objectionable, it’s the cheating. It’s not a given that a romantic union will break up because the going gets rough and it’s not a given that an arranged marriage won’t.
I must say, MM, your reference to ‘self-serving romantic love’ sounds really cynical to me. True love seeks to serve the one who is loved. It’s less about what can I get and more about what can I give.
If it sounds cynical it probably is, but not about love in particular, just about human nature and the limits of altruism. Not doubting how powerful love is, just it’s permanence. Not denying that any of the things you say about love are possible, just see them more as exceptions than the norm. Kind of like “true love”. Great aspiration, but too fleeting to build the bedrock of a society on. Can be a dangerous ideal if you measure the success of your relationships against it. What happens when love wanes?
Society is not built on love, it’s built on laws, and is strenghtened and sustained by the civility of its citizens. For example, a strong neighborhood is one where the people who live there obey the law, and are civil and neighborly to one another. They look out for one another because they understand that that is what makes their neighborhood strong and therefore desirable. They’ll behave in a way that fosters a strong neighborhood, and will want to keep out people who don’t have that perspective. Love doesn’t have to have anything to do with it.
Warm fuzzy feelings of love may wax and wane, but love that is nurtured will grow. A relationship that is taking the long view will take the waning seasons in stride, because even when the warm fuzzies wane, a commitment by it’s very definition will not. I believe that love is not fragile, and if there is true commitment, love is more than strong enough to go the distance.
“What if the you meet someone you are actually more compatible with after you get married? ”
I’m not expert, but I’d like to think that if I ever married and my husband found someone more compatible after the fact, that he tell me before he did anything with her and you know what? I’d say, “good riddance. go your merry way.”
So you meet someone and believe you’re more compatible with them because you knew them for a month, a day or a year? So basically you’re experiencing that exact honeymoon experience you felt with your spouse?
You and Aly are arguing FOR marriage and the incumbent. That’s cool, but what is the foundation of marriage? Is it love? Is it commitment? If it is commitment, what is the basis of that commitment? Can’t just be, I’m still here because I gave my word. No take backs.
You make an excellent point about love vs. commitment. There’s really no clear cut answer though Meech, it’s such and individual thing.
For example in my marriage (now divorced), my personal foundation was commitment. I had the mindset that outside of something drastic like abuse or addiction, I was going to be with this person for the rest of my life. Period. None of this “I just don’t love you anymore” crap. I knew that there could be days, weeks or even years where we hated each other. But I’d made a commitment to this person no matter what. On the flip side, my ex’s foundation was definitely love. Once he fell out of love that was it for him, he was done. That’s why I wrote down below that it’s important for you to be on the same page as far as your foundation, or the marriage is likely to fall apart.
(Btw, I’m not arguing for marriage. I’m actually now more of an open relationship type of gal. I just think that once you’re married, BE married and don’t cheat.)
*AN individual thing
I didn’t specify a time period. If my husband comes up to me and tells me he met a girl a month ago whom he is more compatible with, of course I’d side-eye. But say it’s been a while. A few months…honeymoon phase or not at the end of the day he is still having doubts about me. The marriage is almost over.
“What if the you meet someone you are actually more compatible with after you get married?”
I’m not the one to subscribe to the notion that people have one soulmate. You’re always going to meet people with whom you’re compatible and have a connection–sometimes even more than with your own spouse. So that’s kinda of a moot point. The bigger question is, are you going to stay loyal to the person with whom you vowed to spend the rest of your life? Are you going to honor your commitment? If not, don’t cheat. Be man or woman enough to admit that you want to be with someone else and walk away.
Well then I guess it comes down to my actual question, what is marriage based on, love or a social contract?
I think that’s up to each individual. Just make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page about it BEFORE you get married.
I’ve read many of the comments and home wrecking is bad yada-yada but what we’re really missing is that most men if don’t want to be tied down to one woman sexually for the rest of their lives. If you ask men I believe most will tell you that they don’t love monogamy but they tolerate monogamy as to keep the woman they love emotionally and as not to become a pariah by being known as a cheat. I know a ton of men from the richest to the poorest, the sanctified to the most treacherous. Some already cheat on their wives but most would. I only know of a couple that probably wouldn’t go outside of their marriage under the right circumstances. I think it’s not natural for men to be monogamous but there’s nothing wrong with choosing to be monogamous.
True. But here’s a simple solution to that problem… don’t get married. Simple as that. If you know that you’re not able to stay monogamous, don’t be a selfish pr!ck and drag someone else into that situation. Stay single, date, and be happy sleeping with multiple women. Or here’s another solution…find someone who’s willing to have an open relationship. There are women out there who are willing to do this. Just don’t lie, it’s not necessary.
most men if don’t want to be tied down to one woman sexually for the rest of their lives.
Then don’t get married! You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
I agree, Eric McD.
People that state they know a lot of cheaters forget the old adage: “You are who you hang around.†You know a lot a cheaters that are comfortable with telling you they cheat and sometimes even using you in the process of hiding their cheating because your moral code allows it. You find it tolerable. You may even make excuses for it. It might be entertaining, too. On the other hand, your two finger discount uncle Evin that steals everything in sight is the man you wouldn’t go to the grocery store with or leave your purse around. Basically, folks that know a lot of swindlers and deceitful people either mirror that action or accept it. It’s not because they’re a pastor at confession.
I know a lot of monogamous men too. I guess that means I am who I hang around. The funniest thing about it is there is little to no difference between the cheater and the non cheater. They all do the same things (work in the community, go to church, take care of their family) but one cheats and the other doesn’t.
You went from “only a couple” to a lot? An argument to suit your mood, I guess.
The man isn’t always the “victim” of monogamy. Don’t you know men who don’t want their favorite woman to sleep with or carry the baby of any other man? Don’t men sometimes marry women for that reason?
HA! loved the sweatshirt banter!
What’s really funny………..is how many VSS’s were talking about how the means DON’T justify the ends -YESTERDAY- and today you have a number of those same VSS’s admitting to sleeping with married men and being homewreckers. And they’re trying to justify it. SMH- Isn’t sleeping with another woman’s husband using nefarious means to get the end you want?
” Isn’t sleeping with another woman’s husband using nefarious means to get the end you want?”
Yes, it is.
they are both at fault and while hate is strong word that I don’t think applies or should apply in most situations, it is not wrong to distribute fault to the woman as long as she doesn’t carry the load alone or the majority.
the woman is responsible as well but more of an accessory the crime was actually committed by the man but they are both responsible. She shouldn’t have to wear that “A” on her chest alone.
but she should have to wear it.
I don’t mean to get too personal, so I will try to be as matter-of-fact as possible, but one of my sister’s is a homewrecker. She had an affair with a married man. Eventually, she got pregnant. I was so disappointed and angry with her for that. My sister was the girl who retained her virginity while all of her friends were screwing everyone and everything. I had so much respect for her and when I saw that she got herself into that situation I was angry. Eventually, he left his wife for my sister, so I was kind of forced to accept him too. We get along just fine, and I never mention how they got together, but to this day, ten years after they first started seeing each other, I still can’t get over it. It really isn’t my place to judge them: I am not God nor do I claim to be holier than anyone. It really isn’t my place to forgive them, but I hold both of them responsible for the homewrecking. Sure, his ex-wife was cheating on him too. She wasn’t exactly a lovely wife, but that’s no excuse. If she was unhappy, and he was unhappy, they should have ended it. I try not to be too judgmental of people who do that because Allah knows if I ever get into an adulterous situation, but wrong is wrong, no matter who does it. I just wish it hadn’t been my sister…
If he ever does the same thing to her, I won’t say, “I told you so.” I’ll be right there to help her pick up the pieces. I love her, but I will never justify what they did.
*one of my sisters
There are some similarities between both of our situations [The serious young woman who retained her virginity well into her 20's, involved with a married man, both spouses engaging in extramarital affairs and having same-age children with their respective lovers, the disappointment, the anger, the prolong divorce]. The woman is my mother and the man is my father. My father and his first wife should’ve waited until after they finalized the divorce before they engaged in any types of romantic relationship with another person. When he approached my mom, he should’ve informed her that he was married with children. My mom should’ve been more patient, asked more questions, and not assumed that he was single. The shadiness of it all still causes headaches and heartaches on all parties involved. I’m just grateful majority of the family are currently civil to one another.
I’m civil to my brother-in-law, and I love their children. It happened and we can’t continue to dwell on it, but I admit it’s still a messy situation.
Regarding relationship worlds. People that state they know a lot of cheaters forget the old adage: “You are who you hang around.” You know a lot a cheaters that are comfortable with telling you they cheat and sometimes even using you in the process of hiding their cheating because your moral code allows it. You find it tolerable. You may even make excuses for it. It might be entertaining, too. On the other hand, your two finger discount uncle Evin that steals everything in sight is the man you wouldn’t go to the grocery store with or leave your purse around. Basically, folks that know a lot of swindlers and deceitful people either mirror that action or accept it. It’s not because they’re a pastor at confession.
Something I’ve noticed through anecdotes, experience, and after reading these comments:
It seems as if people live in two different types of relationships worlds — one where people cheat, and one where people don’t. the cheaters/homewreckers and people consistently affected by cheating/homewrecking all seem to date each other, while there’s also a large group of people who’ve never cheated or been cheated on. Basically, people who’ve been cheated on seem to be more likely to have a cheating past/present, while people who’ve never cheated seem to be more likely to have never been cheated on.
sure, there’s some overlap, but it does seem like people live in two different worlds in regards to this stuff. perhaps people who cheat and people who have been cheated on repeatedly are drawn to each other in some way. who knows?
I’m pretty sure judgement is in there somewhere.
Agreed. I think there are some overlaps in judgment. I’ve never cheated, but I have been cheated on. I think some people are raised to believe to put up with whatever to keep someone around, and I know I’m guilty of that. I think the cheaters sense their opportunity and pounce.
There is a lot of overlap between the 2 in my world. I know everybody & I see a lot.
Yeah, Imma have to respectfully disagree Champ. The worlds overlap A LOT, because what draws people to each other isn’t their takes on moral issues. You could have similar tastes, interests, and values as a person on everything else, but this issue is the one that makes people contradict the sh*t out of themselves with mucho frequencia. Plus I know more people who cheat and haven’t been caught than ppl who have been caught cheating. The idealists just tend to be more clueless or in denial.
” while there’s also a large group of people who’ve never cheated or been cheated on”
How do they know they’ve never been cheated on? Cause the other person told them? Even after the fact (ie they’ve been long broken up) with nothing to lose people lie to protect their reputation. There’s a reason “Your reputation precedes you” is a cliche and carries so much weight…there’s also a reason “I’m takin that one to the grave with me” is a cliche…
I am anti-cheating, but I wish I could say I never been cheated on.
I have never cheated nor had the experience of being cheated on (I worded that last part very purposefully). So my relationships tend to be very honest, open (in terms of disclosure), and trustful because that’s the kind of person I am.
However, if I ever did have that experience of being cheated on, my outlook would change significantly, which would affect how I approach and operate within relationships. I’ll be a little less trusting, a little more jaded, a little more opportunistic, etc. Basically what I’m saying is that being cheated on will fcuk with you, and that probably explains the phenomenon you’re talking about.
Not saying that being cheated on will turn me into a cheater…but I can see how it could influence me to be more liberal in my thinking about it.
I think people are conflating monogamy with a life long happy marriage. That’s just one happy ending to a relationship, it’s not monogamy. Being physically (and emotionally) loyal to a single person is what monogamy is about. It doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of the relationship. There are plenty of sh*tty non-monogamous relationships as well.
People confuse cheating on their partner or wanting to have s*x with multiple women as them not wanting monogamy. Naw, that’s just wanting company. Most people raised in monogamous culture could not sincerely handle a [b]relationship[/b] with multiple people.
Yes.
Agreed.
“People confuse cheating on their partner or wanting to have s*x with multiple women as them not wanting monogamy. ”
As well we should.
If someone told me she was a vegetarian and I see her eating steaks, I would be confused.
The cheating part, yes. The wanting to, no. You can be in a monogamous relationship and still WANT to have sex with other people. Doesn’t make you a bad person.
Ya, I wasn’t addressing want. I know vegetarians want to try that crackling bacon. LOL
Yes. Bacon is good
Ya’ll got me hungry today! WC talking about peach cobbler and whatnot…
Just because someone cheats (I don’t mean habitual cheaters) doesn’t mean they can be or are a right fit for non-monogamous relationships. My point was that there is FAR more to being in any type of poly-relationship than the desire to have sleep with multiple/different people.
And my only point was that confusion is warranted.
I do not support triflingness and I also believe spiritually in the “do unto others” way of life. You are allowed to pursue your happiness but it should be at the expense of others. The act of cheating is sh*tting on the happiness of someone else by very definition. We’re not talking about people that have an open relationship because that doesn’t fall under CHEATING. To cheat is to defraud or swindle. So anytime you state that you have cheated, then be clear that you’re stating you SWINDLED someone. You did not take their money but you obtained and/or maintained a relationship by deceit or fraud. Would you trust someone who committed fraud with your social security number? Yeah, exactly.
If you want to want to read about work place fraud through acts of cheating, spend a few moments googling disgraced CEOs. Plenty of powerful men have been taken down because the very act of physical and emotional defraud usually begat some sort of financial or workplace deceit. The lack of judgment in choosing a mistress at work is doubly stupid. If you have an affair in the work place, please know that someone other than the two parties knows about the skin on skin contact. The proxy of an affair requiring two people makes it obvious that an affair is not between two people. People at work talk. Period.
At my place of employment the legendary affairs are common fodder at lunchtime. There are some people that survived the mess but can you imagine how many there are that didn’t. Let’s say Gail and John have hot monkey sex after the lupus event… Gail or John don’t even realize that everyone at the lupus event knew exactly what was up when they left the event together with their rings on. (You can’t hide that sh*t). Gail or John confirms this to Jessica during a conversation. Jessica is a friend and finds it amusing but keeps it on the inside. Jessica ends up being manager of the place and Gail and John are up for a promotion. What do you think are Jessica’s first thoughts here?
Once you cheat people remember that sh*t FOREVER. Forever. Forever. AND, the day after FOREVER. Your friends that usually sought you out for relationship advice think in the back of their head, “that negro don’t know sh*t about relationships. He or she cannot even be faithful.” You automatically devalued your opinion on things that are good because you have a huge blemish of poor decision making on your record. You’re now cute for advice on what or who NOT to be like. You have essentially proven yourself to be an animal or incapable of using intellect to make sound judgments. You see, you could have ended your marriage or relationship before entering into something else. That’s common decency. I support that.
Who is seeking advice from Diddy or Swizz Beatz or DMX on love?
Side note: I noticed that a lot of people here mentioned karma. I agree with this sentiment. I would go either farther to state that people need to realize that karma is not about the present or ten years from now because it also plays a role in the afterlife and the rebirth. If you want to find out what the next life following adultery will be like, then please google the terms and read up. It will catch up to you in some way. And, perhaps some people are suffering in this life time because of past mistakes and when given the opportunity to rectify the situation make the same mistakes again.
Cheaters can be forgiven. A cheater must forgive themselves. That’s important. The first thing that must be done. But, maybe more cheaters should go out of their way towards righting that wrong with the person they deceived. If I steal all your money, and forgive myself, that’s swell… But, um, does the woman or man who I robbed understand why I did what I did and can we find a way to usher in forgiveness together?
We are a species that is not quite the ape because our intellect. Stop comparing us completely to animals. We don’t sh*t in the forest, lick our arses, and eat bananas all day. We also find it insulting if white people call us apes but suddenly it’s cool if we’re using it for an argument about cheating? No, thank you. Of course, black people are considered to be less evolved and closest to the ape, so maybe this is the argument that is being made? You can miss me with that, too.
Fix: Your happiness should not be at the expense of others.
If you are the cheated on party, then I totally understand directing any and all animus to the party that cheated on you. If you have some residual hate left in the tank after that and you want to “give the drummer some” (i.e. the homewrecker) I can dig it. I really can.
But if you are an outside observer to a situation of infidelity, and you are attempting to quantify evil as one was greater the other was lesser, I’m going to go ahead and assume that is a projection that is more about YOU, than the actual situation.
I wonder if this phenomena has at all to do with the perception, that is men that are principally doing the cheating and women playing the role of “homewrecker”? Very few of the high profile cases reported involve infidelity where a man cheats with a woman that he knows to be married. But men who are known to be married and still have mistresses? They are pilloried righteously and rightfully. Buyt why should the mistress get any pass or be publically convicted of any “lesser” sin? Monica Lewinsky knew EXACTLY what she was doing. How is she less of an a$$hole than Bill? To me they’re both selfish a$$es. If Hillary has more animus towards Bill than Monica, cool, she has more reason to. She had a marriage with him. We didn’t.
If Elin has more animus towards Tiger than his mistress-es-es-es, cool she has more reason to. She had a marriage with him. We didn’t. So on the outside we should hold the cheaters EQUALLY accountable for their selfishness, and reckless juvenille actions. It took both of them to do it. As I said above, two people mud wrestle, they both come up dirty, not one less dirty than the other.
Or am I wrong? Someone talk to me.
i agree… the married person and the outside person both conspired to deceive and that is wrong no matter which way you look at it…
Can someone tackle the definition of cheating?
Also, if “permission” is granted, is it no longer cheating? Just open relationship?
cheating=deception
permission=no deception open relationships have permission whether they be open for one or both parties
Cheating is sex outside of a committed relationship (married or not) without your significant other’s knowledge. I’m kinda iffy on the whole “emotional cheating” thing… not sure how I feel about that one.
No, I don’t believe open relationships are cheating since all parties are aware.
Here is how deceit and fraud can happen in an open relationship. A friend of mine is in an open relationship and the agreement goes something like this: You can sleep with someone as long as it is one time only, the individual is not someone that you work in close quarters with, and you must tell your significant other about the incident to avoid keeping secrets.
In May, my friend fooled around while on a business trip, and it was his first time, so he was a little hesitant about disclosing this BUT it was the agreed upon terms. He informed his partner, who was generally relieved because the partner had did the same thing but last July. The problem: The partner did not reveal this until May 2012.
This was/is deceitful. My friend had to determine whether or not to continue the relationship because the person committed fraud or deceit by waiting nearly a year to reveal this.
So open relationships can have problems and/or lies, too.
that is so true… there are mistakes made in every kind of relationship.. it not just hot fvcks and giggles, its work on a different level
I feel like it still is cheating. I know adults can do what they want to do, yada yada yada. At some point we have to define marriage (only speaking about marriage here) and in my world its total commitment to a spouse- not with pieces left out. (And I suppose in my world such an agreement would not exist, LOL) To me “open relationships” sound like people who don’t really want to be married cheating the institution as a whole. That’s my opinion and I’ll sleep in it. I think once you decide it’s ok to have chex with people other than you’re spouse, you’re opening the door for even more deceit.
the heart wants what the heart wants
If someone feels the need to step out then they were never yours to begin with.
as a rule of thumb i never knowingly mess with a married chick.
married people are a whole different kind of animal.
they are downright dangerous.
i worked with a cool little chick that fell for a married dude.
dude left his wife and they got an apartment together.
well ex-wifey finds out, goes to the apartment and put a bullet in both of their nuggets.
the prison industrial complex is rife with jilted lovers
Preach! Steve Mcnair was murked by a 19 yr old groupie cuz he stopped makin the payments on her truck. Turned his wife into a widow & left his 2 kids fatherless. Such a tragedy smh.
So when are you going to make “I can’t support trifliness” t-shirt? That, I’d buy!
Did anyone offer props to the Champ for writing out this scenario in a hilarious yet plausible manner? Because it’s highly deserved. Kudos
[quote]To drive home her point, Girl’s aunt takes off her sweatshirt to reveal a baby-tee with the words “I can’t support trifliness†emblazed on the chest.[/quote]
This did it for me.
Seriously, in the beginning, I’ll give her the benifit of the doubt. She either didn’t know or wasn’t sure. But after Tuesday, that heffa knew. And she chose to proceed. That makes her just as, if not more, trifling as he. Why more? Because I seriously think she should have turned that around and imagined it was HER husband doing who knows who at the Westin and building relationships. As a matter of fact, she did turn it around.
Perhaps someone never warned her that 1. Karma is a beast, and 2. How you get them is how you lose them. She’ll forever be suspicious of his outside activity because she knows what he’s capable of doing.
Since we are talking about homewreckers, imma call out the following potential HOMEWRECKERS in my love life!
1.) ALY——->cunning as a fox, I seen how you dey flirt with my man oo!
2.) Ice Princess—–>whenever my hubby writes erotica, you get bothered. uh uh….that is NOT right. It is an outright sin.
3.) New VSB chics-that dude with dreads, now with a green avi on that looks like alien are attacking him is MARRIED to African Mami, otherwise known as Sweet Passion Fruit, Mangolassi, Juicy Mango, Mrs.AfriJay.
Find you yo own man. Mucho gracias!!!!!
ROTFLMAO! You’re a trip!
Mami,
I don’t think showing Jay your toes is going to be the way to get him to lub you
BTW how many times have you changed your avi today??
LAUGHING OUT LOUD……
those are not my toes…..
I am not trying to get love. I am warning potential homewreckers.
Is Jay claiming u? Otherwise you may want to change your name to one of the following or you can use them all (cause you’re into that kind of thing
)
Ms Elmyra
Ms Afri le pew
Mami Van Pelt
Soulful Screech
Sweet Yeti
Dude, my names are strategic! They are not just two passing clouds, abeg, what the hell is this you are presenting me with?
Jay has yet to deny me, let’s just put it like that! ROFFFFFFFFFFFFLMAOOOO!
The names all contain characters that chase their mate
Elmyra from tiny tunes chasing Montana Max:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSdly0Ieiek
Peppe le pew is self explanatory
Lucy Van Pelt had a thang for Schroder
Scheech from saved by the bell had a thang for cocoa puffs
The Yetti is an old school Bugs Bunny flick. Elmyra was derived from him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JlVqfC8-UI
mmkay! I would rather you say they are being PROACTIVE. Chasing nah…..
My bad mami. I wasnt trying to wreck u & jays home, i swear! I jus wanted him to rip my wifebeater one time, thats all! Im such a whorebag, i know. Lmao
My bad mami. I wasnt trying to wreck you & jays home, i swear! I jus wanted him to rip my wifebeater one time, thats it! Im such a wh*rebag, i know. Lmao
LMAOOOO!!!
take your kray azz elsewhere.
LOL… ripping the wifebeater AND drinking my bath water! Lord have mercy… the hoodrat thoughts that I had with those images! But, now I have to go take dips in the waters of Trinidad with my eboo, and I’m all good with that because I’m sure his passion runs depths. But, those posts of erotica starts all sorts of flames in Nilla that melts ice cream. Mami, you betta get yo’ man and tame him to only go freakazoid with you! Where you at Meisarebel? We gots some things to do. lol
” mmkay! I would rather you say they are being PROACTIVE. ”
I died a thousand deaths and was resurrected so that I could ROTFLMAO! hahahaha
i think cheating is about a profound kind of sabotage. it is about not valuing yourself enough to maintain honor and hold your humanity in the highest regard. and in this way, there is no sense in saying who is most wrong. anyone who betrays their integrity is a force of darkness that is best left alone.
that said i don’t hate cheaters. i dont go near them. i realize i’m too sensitive to allow bad vibes into my life, be it the act itself or the energy around it that people carry in their hearts.
but i get sabotage. and i get why people act against their best interest. fear of love is a mthfkahhh. it’s kinda heartbreaking it should be like this ..
Hey Esa!!!
“i realize i’m too sensitive to allow bad vibes into my life, be it the act itself or the energy around it that people carry in their hearts.”
Yes, vibes-intuition. People need to listen to their guts more!!
Always a pleasure reading your insight/thoughts!! So mellow, comforting and I am hearing wind chimes, right about now!!!
(smile) those are the chimes in the garden below my bedroom ~*~
you have a blog? if not, start one.
“anyone who betrays their integrity”
THAT is a HUGE part of cheating mentality. Integrity, morals, and values are all thrown out the window, and for what? A romp in the sack? smdh… Unless I marry again (which ain’t likely) and cheat on my husband, I will never understand this mentality from the outside looking in.
1) You can’t be a homewrecker if you aren’t in the home. The homewrecker is always the person that is in the relationship.
2) You can only be mad at them if they know the person is in a relationship and continued with the foolishness.
1) Unless you’re the big bad wolf and you blow the house down.
2) Would you be mad if they didn’t tell you or let you know somehow?
Be a smart little piggy… use brick.
Just like parents need support from the community raising children, marriage needs support. Its impossible to have a marriage will always be superstrong and can’t be influenced by others. The difference is whether that outside influence is positive (supportive friend) or negative.
Simple.
Your relationship is your relationship. Between you & yours. Homewreckers should be free of all culpability. There are just exposing the holes in your union.
You should send them a “Thank You” Note at least
I believe 95% relationship failings fall on the man. However a man cheating is not as bad as a woman cheating. It is on the man to satisfy all the different motors running in a woman’s psyche, if commitment is involved
Fin
“I believe 95% relationship failings fall on the man.”
Why?
@Aly Successful Male/Female dynamic, where both parties get most of their biological needs met, demands that the male leads & the female follows… Anything else is discord…
Women subconscious give the control to the man after s*x is had
Alot of men give their power back to the woman… And there is where the discord begins
I will be quick to admit that I understand this on a basic level
Jay Electronica #winning
That woman is not attractive. I disagree.
Who said anything about looks? She’s ridiculously rich. Instead of being famous for being Erykah Badu’s baby daddy, he has homewrecked England’s most prominent marriage. I wonder who will play him in the Lifetime movie…
Wills and Kate have the most prominent marriage in Britain. Jay Electronica will be an after-thought in two years. It’s so unclear to me why I have seen so many black people celebrating this. I’m perplexed. It is what it is, though
Of course I agree with the Aunt. I must say that I have some “triflin ass” friends that have been the homewrecker with no shame! Usually to find out that the men never leave their gf’s/ wives for them so its punishment enough. Still under some circumstances I think a man will cheat if consistently pushed by an attractive woman so by her pushing shes wrong!!! Women do strange things for a man. Why go after a married man when there is a plethora of single ones?!?! Because you’re a triflin ass chick!!!!
“Men don’t want to have sex with only one woman and his wife forces him to do just that.” What is this tripe people are kicking? Let’s start with the basics, please: Get over yourself. If you want to have sex with everyone than go out and have sex with everyone honestly. Don’t attempt to swindle, cheat or deceive your wife or your girlfriend because they have the right to not tolerate dishonesty. There’s no debate needed about that. There’s absolutely NONE. No excuses. No right. It is wrong to deceive anyone for personal gain, including the random stranger on the street.
Also, stop this BS that men are the only people that find monogamy difficult. The only, I repeat, ONLY group of people that can legally see their lives end because of sex is women. Let’s talk the global world. Our sexuality is so minimized and so policed that women are the only sex of people that can be LEGALLY murdered, stoned or ostracized for sex or adultery. Yes, women. It might not happen on your project door steps but this happens in real life. The real world. It’s not fiction. It’s not “my cousin once said…” This is REAL. Who gives two f*cks that you might not get the woman you want because she wants a monogamous relationship when there are women that will get STONED if she falls in love and has sex? A woman that is HONEST about her life decisions and sex.
Get over yourselves. Please.
Well, well, well judgy wudgy was a bear and so is auntie. The only one who should probably “hate” the home wrecker, is the wife. Anybody else can dislike her actions or think she’s trifling or lacks moral fiber and they can call her out on it if they dare, but if she don’t know she’s trifling, well it won’t even matter.
I have seen some comments that the woman is not the “home wrecker” because it’s not her home, yada. Ok, sure. People are not natural disasters, that destroy a home without rhyme or reason, but that’s it we are people and we have the ability to think, feel, love, do, etc., our actions (purposeful/thoughtful or not) can do hurt or harm to someone else. I think any woman who is reasonably attractive has had a married dude step to her and just like that’s his choice to disregard his marriage vows, it was girl’s choice to say, “no thank you, Mr. Married man. I’m cool.” She didn’t. And her choice, her actions, probably hurt real live somebody (or somebodies). Was it worth it? I guess she’ll find out and become ok with her choices probably always being thrown back in her face by somebody.
Auntie is right. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to stuff that we shouldn’t. It takes a community to support a marriage. It is very naive to think that a couple can remain independently strong. They are going to be influenced by the world they live in and they are going to have weak moments. There are many things that other people can do to either undermine or strengthen a marriage. The willingness to be the sidechick/sidedude undermines marriage. It may be a smaller percentage (15%??) of the responsibility, but it still contributes. So if you can take that willing party out, then the cheating doesn’t happen as easily.
I absolutely agree.
I had a friend who was the ‘girl’ and it totally bugged me that she couldn’t and still doesn’t see the error of her ways!
If you willingly enter a relationship/fling/whatever knowing that person has a partner, you are WRONG!