I have an iPHone. iLove my iPhone.
Seriously, this thing does damn near everything I need it to do. Just yesterday I said to myself, “Self, I’d like some breakfast” and my iPhone got up and cooked me some breakfast.
(No it didn’t.)
One of the best features of the iPhone is the Applications (Apps) that you can download from Apple’s App Store. There’s an app for (almost) everything: cheap flights, pr0n, real estate, midget pr0n, sports, giant pr0n, games, unicorn pr0n, gas consumption, etc. One of my favorite apps is Shazam. If you hear a song out and don’t know who it is, you just tag it using the Shazam app and voila, it tells you who it is so you can illegally download it like the new Eminem album due out in stores on May 19- got that and points you in the direction of purchasing the song. This is actually the reason I got the iPhone over the Blackberry Storm. With Verizon, you have to get their vCast thing which is like $15/month.
Fail.
I’ve actually been trying to develop my own iPhone app so I can be like those other geniuses making like $35K a month off some random arse app that does nothing to improve your life but costs $1.99 causing folks to buy it just because it exists. Only problem is that I don’t know how to develop sh*t. I’m an idea person. I’m a Gemini.
Love me and myself.
Anyway, as I perused my iPhone apps one day, I got to thinking about Apps that SHOULD exist but will never see the light of day. You know, useful stuff that (I am) everyday people could really benefit from in various aspects of their lives – especially dating. That spawned a conversation betwixt myself and Nikiloveli aka NikiNoBlog – who comments here frequently – about apps that would totally help in that realm.
Take a gander. A goose if you must.
Bad Credit Detector – Lets you know the credit score of the person you’re talking to. In today’s day and age you can’t really afford to be dating somebody with a credit score of 230. And yes, I know the lowest score is like 300. Anything under a 500 and your iPhone jumps out of your pocket and stabs them.
Fake B*tch Detector – Sizes up your date and instantly lets you know what they didn’t get from their mama. Fake nails, weave, buttocks, etc. This app is for the person who wants it all but hopes their mate didn’t pay for it all. It would also randomly yell pointed-obscenities (ex: “You’se a p*ss a** n*gga, yo’ eyes ain’t blue, Djimon) if you happen to be around a man who’s wearing vanity contacts to lighten up his eyes.
Quoth the great Will Smith: I’m stuck in a basement sitting on a tricycle/girl gettin’ on my nerves. I’m goin’ out of my mind I thought she was fine/don’t know if her body is hers.
Pure poetry.
He Got The Cooties – Instantly alerts you of anybody within 10 feet of you with an STD (or swine flu). No burn for you!
(Seriously, who WOULDN’T cop that app??? Jesus would pay $9.99 for that app.)
He Makes Ugly Babies Genie– As it says, it lets you know if the man you’re dating would make ugly babies. It does a crazy DNA JayZ match thing to see what kind of output (no pun intended) this chap will provide you. Nobody wants to have the kid with the face that only a mother could love.
Bless his/her heart!
And most specifically for the ladies…
Girl, He Took The C*nd*m Off Alarm – No explanation needed really, but just in case you ain’t too sure about the trustworthiness of the chap your chapping (and let’s be real, A LOT of you ain’t) this will make sure that dude isn’t trying to pull a fast one (no pun intended) on you to get some of that extra “feeling” we menfolks like so much.
So, good people of VSB, what are some other useful apps that the world could benefit from?!
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD 3
lol. lurve the ‘friendly neighborhood 3′ switch. i have absolutely nothing else to add right now. i don’t have an iphone.
edit: hmm…i did have a rather unfortunate encounter with a would be suitor last night. *sigh* a nice rejection app would be nice. a traveling iphone forcefield or something to protect me from f^ckery and foolishness.
@SouthernGirl,
My spidey sense is tingling, meaning theres a good story here….Please, continue….
@Dom, lol. *sigh* how do i shorten this story?
met a guy through mutual friends last summer. didn’t work out because he calls mid morning on a monday while i’m at work and in 15 minutes i learned:
1. he thought i would find it funny that he forgot my name. i ask why he didn’t our friends and his response is, he didn’t bother/have time to do research and he wanted to show me that he was human and makes mistakes because…
2. women always think he’s perfect and wonder what’s wrong with him and he’s trying to be more real and some other nonsense
3. he’s not looking for a f^ck buddy (because i am?!?!?!) or to be a boyfriend, he’s looking to be a husband.
4. doesn’t ask me out but tells me we’re going out.
my mama was coming in town so i really was gonna be busy so after i picked my mouth up off the floor i ended the convo, mentally stamped ‘FAIL’ on this whole debacle and kept it moving. he didn’t call for a week or two and i was mighty glad. found out he swamped with finals in b school and he started calling a few weeks later, three times in 2 days. no answer, no call back. think it’s over.
get lured to a grad party for him under false pretenses that it will be a big party, he’ll be cool. the night went as follows:
*he was ridiculously late. hung with friends then trying to exit so i might not have to see him at all.
*go to restroom first. then pretty much ignored him on accident when he first spoke (ran into him on way back) because i didn’t recognize him at first. apologize. say congrats. it’s all good.
*he asks for my info/says he’ll get it from mutual friend as i try to fix my face. he is then distracted by someone talking to him. tell mutual friend not to give him my info. worried this would happen. plot my exit.
*last shot of tequila and OJ got me a bit tipsy. sit for a minute to recoup.
*he starts something with 2520s passing through the semi-private party area. calls over male family member. shoving/fighting ensues. *SG thinks, wtf/fml. scoots over in corner of couch to get my little @ss out the way*
*SG slips out the front door. sees him trying to explain sh!t to the cops and slides past (hopefully) undetected.
@SouthernGirl,
What the hell was going on with this guy? Sounds like yo dogged a bullet. Hope your friends didnt pass along your info to him!
@Dom,
she dodged the “Crazy Azz Mofo” bullet
@blackberry molasses,
you ain’t lying. should’ve listened to my first mind and stayed my @ss at home. lol.
@Dom,
i have no clue. my boy was getting all kinds of side eyes that night. he already know. i will straight cut him if he gives that fool my number.
if it makes breakfast for you…then if i buy one, will it show up to work for me? just saying..that’d be the best.
he has several children and several baby momma detectors.
this bish is lying detector…for work.
I’d need these apps developed for my smart phone. lol.
@iloVEGrits,
Word to the “he has six kids by “x” baby mamas”!
“He has several children and several baby mommas”
…is this really THAT hard to hide?
@AkShone,
lol, yep, the deadbeat game is covert like 911
one that projects holograms…so I can be in two places at once (i.e. the real me at home, relaxing, while the hologram is at work, making money)
@iloVEGrits, you mean like the synergy earrings from Jem? LOL thats truly outrageous….truly, truly, truly outrageous….
@shay_d_lady, lol!
@SouthernGirl,
Damn took it back to Jem
We need the ” You’re about to say something you shouldn’t” app, as well as the “He/she used to date your friend” app. I would find those useful.
@chaoticdiva,
You’re about to say something you shouldn’t” app
I would definitely buy this app. I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth sometimes.
@chaoticdiva,
Yes! Call it iTact or something. Lots of people need this, including me at times.
@Cheekie, LMAO. I love the iTact idea.
How about the what the fux app, this app will ask you wtf? before you leave the house in an ensemble that you should not be wearing.
Friends lie and mirrors must be lying as well because people will leave the house in some outfits that will have you asking wtf?
@JamaicanGirl, I agree….. but can we randomly download this into people’s apps… I think some of them actually don’t see that they look a mess.
how about the yous a nasty ninja app? tells you if the dude you messin with is really a filthy mcnasty when not around you.. doesnt brush his teeth on weekends, only bathes when going places and doesnt clean up behind himself…
@shay_d_lady,
“only bathes when going places”
^^My goodness that is beyond nasty. How much funk can one wallow in before a shower is deemed beyond necessary?
@Lili, Dont hate. I was like that in college. smh at my own disgust….
oh and the I wouldnt do that if I were you app… self explanatory…..
a hookup protector app…for gives the street value of all things so for instance you at the beauty shop and dued walks in selling nikes, ipods, computers, steaks…whateva you put in the item and it tells you max amount you should pay for said item on hookup…
@shay_d_lady,
I definitely need a hook-up protector app. I hate paying for something and then seeing it cheaper two days later somewhere else or even sometimes at the same place!
oh and the a$$ beaters anonymous app.. warns you of dudes who are potential a$$ beaters…
and lastly the perfect present app.. I dont need it but I know a lot of dudes that need an app that pics great gifts for the SO cause apparently thats some really hard shyt for most ninja’s to figure out
@shay_d_lady,
“oh and the a$$ beaters anonymous app.. warns you of dudes who are potential a$$ beaters…”
Man, no lie…that is so necessary. I don’t know who watches The Game, but if anyone caught Friday’s episode…Kelly almost got that @ss beaten, but Jason ran in and saved the day…I mean, that dusty 2520 she was dating (I know, she’s one too) raised my red flag from his initial appearance on the show, and I’m simply a viewer!*
Coulda saved her some time if her phone knew he was a jerk.
*I know I shouldn’t use a scripted show to reference battery…
@Lili,
I know right! I was like why is he pushing to meet her daughter so quickly! That pushiness set off the warning signs for me that he disregarded her feelings and had potential control issues…. Even though it is just a show.
@Lili,
She shouda known his a** was crazy with that deep voice sounding like Megatron! He looked like he was on roids too. It was only a matter of time before he tried to beat her!
@Dom, LMAO @ sounding like Megatron
@Dom,
like button
(that just happened)
@Lili,
I just wanna know did Jason move into the poolhouse out back? ‘Cause he got there hella quick!!!
@miss t-lee,
I know right! Does anyone know if the show was picked up for next season?
@Dom, I keep hearing some nonsense about BET picking it up…I pray that’s not true. I hope CW keeps it and it gets extended to an hour.
That show is just too good to get cancelled.
The last few episodes have been crapola, though. I do want it to be extended to an hour, but a GOOD hour, lol/
@miss t-lee,
If it gets an hour… I demand to see more of Titi. That dude cracks me up!
@ 8th
Yes I agree…a GREAT hour…lol
@ Sula
I didn’t like ol’ boy in the beginning when his character showed up…but he’s grown on me.
@shay_d_lady, u right about picking gifts. i suck at that sh!t
I’m sure some people could benefit from a ghettometer. Point it anywhere, and if the ghettoness is over a preset limit, it would vibrate accordingly.
I’d get it if it was on Android or Windows Mobile. I have an allergic reaction to all things Apple…
@Maximillian,
“I’m sure some people could benefit from a ghettometer.”
One’s eyes and ears can and should serve as an effective ghettometer.
“Point it anywhere, and if the ghettoness is over a preset limit, it would vibrate accordingly.”
^That would be handy though, for multiple reasons.
@Maximillian,
hell yea some of these chicks play the role of all stuck up gucci, prada etc chick. untill you go to they house and they so ghetto they aint even got no sheets on tha bed and tha house smells like $hit.
I would say we need an iPhone app that would be a “Hairhat Detector” but there are enough bad weaves around that SCREAM “fake” so it is rendered moot.
I just don’t get why some folks rock weaves that CLEARLY look like it was placed (like a hat, Hence, hairhat) on their heads. I blame the Queens of
HorsehairWeaves & Lacefront, Benoncay & Tyra Banks.Speaking of Bad hairhats, ain’t nuffin as bad (or great. Depends on how you look at it) as THIS lion mane. The lethal side-eye of glory that accompanies it is just a BONUS. It gave my life and killt me dead at the SAME time!
@Luvvie,
I love the First Lady of Cameroon. For some reason she just fascinates me, that and the fact that I recently found out she’s only 38–which further fascinated me…lmao
@miss t-lee,
She’s 38??? In what? Lion years? Jeebs be the Fountain of Youth for her. I thought she was at least 54 with all that Fashion Fair caked up makeup.
@Luvvie,
Trust me…I thought that broad was kickin’ 60′s door down.
I was like….ain’t no way!!!!! But yeah…she’s born in ’71…go figure. She looks old as heyll and that all that make up and that tangled web of weave ain’t helping her out any.
@miss t-lee,
38 and she looks OLDER??? She’s not just breaking the “Black Don’t Crack” postulate. She’s beating it down with a Fashion Fair make up bag until it curls up in the fetal position.
her face is a product of what happens when skin-bleaching goes wrong… wait, when has it ever gone right??
@ blackberry molasses
One of my other friends thinks she’s a victim of bleaching as well.
@miss t-lee,
She’s definitely a bleacher. African women of that age are huge fans of bleaching and then some get skin that looks like gangrene. Maybe thats why Madame Cameroon is side-eyeing Madame UK. She wants to have that porcelain skin.
Hater *ss side-eye game PROPER
@ Luvvie
“African women of that age are huge fans of bleaching and then some get skin that looks like gangrene. ”
Dang I had NO idea.
@Luvvie,
Wow! That’s impressive!! How is she holding her head up with all of that hair?
@N.I.A. naturally….,
She can do all things through that side-eye which strengthens her
@Luvvie,
*tears*
@Luvvie,
“You see them angles, folk? Her arch is arched”
DEAD
@Dom, I’m saying tho, you know I’m right
@Kindred Smile,
Yeah the brows are fierce!
@Luvvie,
im so mad at u for this. im sitting at work CRYING and fint to lose a contact. if i lose a contact im coming for u…
@Luvvie,
god dam is that real or fake see i need that i phone ap cause i got 20 sayin its fake
@BLUNTBLAZER,
come on now. that’s a sucker bet.
If that is truly her hair, then I need to see her birth certificate… because methinks she is part LION.
@blackberry molasses,
lmbao me thinks she might be realated to teen wolf thats a weeave anda half. prolly took 5 people ta put it in.
@Luvvie, Okay omg. Someone I know has a FB status pic w/ a hair hat that looks like they are at a costume party? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
@WuDaMan, DEAD @ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
@Kindred Smile, What’s killing is that they are full grown and look like someone let they jr high school gf clip the ends. omg
@WuDaMan, why u blowing my spot up like dat Wu. I thought we were betta than that?!?!
@pgh muse, ain’t nobody talkin about you it’s someone totally diff…
@pgh muse, lmao… i was soooo joking!!! Ur silly.
@Luvvie, our president got inaugurated this past saturday, and all the african first ladies were out IN FORCE…. and madame biya was representing HARD with that big hair!! she’s a trip, i swear…. you need to bust out some more photographs with her crazy purple, green and yellow outfits…. i love my peeps, i swear….
@superwoman,
you want Madame Biya… you got her!
TA DA!!
http://jimbicentral.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c824e53ef01156f42ac24970c-800wi
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/reliable-source/biya20_hat_624.JPG
http://www.makeup4sisters.com/press6.html
**side note: In the third link when she’s is wearing the blue lace she looks really nice… why can’t she do that more often?**
You’re welcome.
@blackberry molasses, ha ha ha, thank you for that sweetie… yes, she looks lovely in the blue, esp with the hair wrapped up. elegant…that mane has to go….
a reverse beer-goggles app…
…to let you know when the gabby/idris-a-like you’re trying to take home is more along the lines of flava flav. save yourself a heart attack and/or awkward “sure i’ll call you” exit the next morning .
@puff,
This could be called the “Anti F My Life” iPhone app. Yes, I endorse it.
@Luvvie,
Also could be called “Anti-TFLN” app.
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com
HILARITY!
@blackberry molasses,
I love that site…it makes me happy…daily.
@miss t-lee,
for example:
(540): I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn’t wake up. I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
@blackberry molasses,
Yep there’s some real gems on there.
(647): Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
love this…
(321): My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
@blackberry molasses,
I just hollered…for real…
(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
@blackberry molasses,
one that is right on topic:
(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that
@puff,
hell yea turn it into a ringtone “strobelight” that old skoo black sheep song.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“You should go with this… don’t even think about THAT!!”
@blackberry molasses,
dam i miss tha old skoo songs are still relevant today.
“engine engine #9 on the new york transit line”…… i neva understood what that had to do with the song its sounded coo tho
@BLUNTBLAZER,
He was talking about the Red Line 9 subway in NYC– fastest way from Lower Manhattan to the far reaches of the Bronx
I have to say when I first got this phone I was bying apps left and right. I forgot $1.99 x like 20 adds up lol.
Apps needed
-Fake business card- scans business cards to see if they’re legit
thats all I got for now
the anti drink & dial application would work wonders for me!! i am one of those sad and unfortunate characters who suddenly remembers, after a bottle of merlot is in my system – all the things that i SHOULD have said to random buggers i really don’t care about… but all of a sudden in the drunken zone, it is IMPERATIVE i communicate with them….
makes for a rather hairy morning after.
this is an app i would pay U.S. dollars for – in these rough economc times, that’s saying a lot. the south african rand is at a low, low, low, folks….
@superwoman, that’s a good one. I know a guy who needs to invest in this
1.) I want a b*tch*ssness dectector – this app will warn you when the person you are out with, talking to, new friends with, thinking about going into business with, likes to get loud with people & expects you to have their back then somehow disappears from the fight, etc. is a straight up punk who handles things with mad B.A- ness.
This way you know from jump street that you can’t count on said person to deal with situations in a mature, dignified or logical manner.
2.) I also need an lowest gas price app so I know where I can fill up for the cheapest.
3.) Finally there should be a “BS” app. So when s/he walks up talking about “Oh baby I’m a photographer/record producer/tv scout/model/actor/singer/artist, etc.” or they say dumb stuff “I’m don’t want to be in a relationship I’ve been hurt before/Oh we don’t need protection I got tested last month/I’ve never met him/her before/Oh, I was with such-and-such when you called,, etc. The phone loudly screams “BS!”
@Madame Zenobia,
“2.) I also need an lowest gas price app so I know where I can fill up for the cheapest.”
http://www.gasbuddy.com
..it’s not an app, but the internet is your friend.
@AkShone,
that app actually does exist… just not for iPhone **gasp**
Crackberry owners STAND UP!
@blackberry molasses,
U have a crackberry and I aint got ur PIN yet? THE NERVE! *hmph*
@Luvvie,
I just got a blackberry…I’m learning all my apps.
@Luvvie,
**hangs head sheepishly**
I have no idea how to work Blackberry Messenger. TEACH ME!!!
I’ll send you my pin…. check gmail.
@Madame Zenobia,
LMAO at number 3. Have you encountered such folks!?! LOL
@Ms. T,
Yes child! Matter of fact I was out a few months ago and this dude came up to me and a friend talking about “I’m a photographer and you have such a unique look – I’d love to shoot you some time.” Little did he know my younger bro is a amateur photog so I asked a few question with real and BS camera jargon this fool answered all the questions and it was clear he didn’t know wth he was talking about. Just tacky & triflin.
Then there was the broad who my friend was talking to who kept telling him she was a model/actress. Turns out she was in a commercial for a local grocery store pushing a cart down the aisle.
1. He has a little penti dectector (or any other unfavorable thing dealing with s3x): I’d rather not find out myelf.
2. This ninja is crazy detector: Who would have known it, from that gorgeous smile.
@Nicki Sunshine,
#1 yeah i was thinking the same thing, a “is he packing”-meter, u don’t want to spend all ur time getting to know some1 and then to the business and find out u shoulda just had a v8, oh no–i’d def but that app lol!
@PrincesMo, MAN. that would save some people who “wait” until they get married to. Can u imagine? I applaude the idea, but it’s scary.
@Nicki Sunshine,
thats what I was thinkin a “this breezy is crazy” app. where tha iphone gets so hot it burns ya leg. I hate meetin a broad that pretends to be all nice and sweet untill yall become a item then she turns 51/50 and has you gettin a restraining order on her jus cause she doesnt wanna break up with you. dam
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Sounds personal B.
@BLUNTBLAZER, “I hate meetin a broad that pretends to be all nice and sweet untill yall become a item then she turns 51/50 and has you gettin a restraining order on her jus cause she doesnt wanna break up with you. dam”
LOL. I know that’s right!
A work is about shtity app. (So a dude can call in sick and avoid the nonsense)
A you’ve had too much to drink app. (Your phone can tell by the high number of times you effed up typing a text you may not need to drive and calls a cab for you)
A “she has bad taste app”. Your iphone would gently vibrate in your pocket or holster every time they make refrence to something you have classified as horrible in your itunes.(Ex. Resurants, nightspots, music, ect.) (While a woman can be fine bad taste will take her from a 9 to a 4 QUICK fast)
A bad idea detector app. (Ex. If you just sent a message to your girl and seconds before googled the best strip clubs in the area it should flash “idiot” on the screen several times in quick succession)
And finally…
A “they give bad chex app” your phone would vibrate slow and listlessly as if it dosent really want to be there (like their chex) or off the meters as if your getting 30 I’m's at one time if they can twist you up like the advanced forms in the Kama Sutra.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Lol
I wouldn’t mind a “Goldilocks alert app” more commonly known as a Gold Digger alert.
or even a “H.A.M. alert app” (Hot A$$ Mess) which lets you know that someone is an overall waste of time.
or a “door knob app”. it would tell you how many turns someone has had. By turns I mean the horizontal mambo with different people.
hm. this kind of reminds me of the ‘see the future camcorder’ skit Dave Chapelle did.
I’d like a Naw she ain’t it app. One that lets me know that there is something about this chick in front of me that I would not like to subject my family to. Just sayin.
Preggopress V1.6 – An app that helps bachelors in their early 30s detect biological alarm countdown timers and thirstiness levels of childless women. Works in conjunction with:
Wasteoftime_o-Meter – analyzes the first 5 minutes of a conversation and can determine whether or not the person is a fluke, flake or fukup. Silently alerts owner and collects names in database. See terms of agreement and privacy discaimer.
Flashback 3.5 enhanced version – Allows users to look back 10 years at a person to see what their potential SO looked like and will even project how they will look after kids, marriage and old age. FB is needed for initial data.
Rougeapp – Calendar and scheduler that keeps track of periods so that no date gets planned during “that time.” Even helpful for those Catholic users on the rhythm method.
These ideas are patent pending and copywritten. Don’t let me see these show up. They are not open source!
@CPT Callamity,
thirstiness level?
deep long audible sigh
@CPT Callamity,
I’m sad to say it, but this ENTIRE post made me cackle… LOULDY.
If I lose my cushy gubment job in these TET’s, I’m comin’ for yo azz….
@CPT Callamity, I approve of all of these wholeheartedly….LMAO @ Preggopress
@Kindred Smile,
Thanks…they sure would come in handy. And I’m the biggest “Not-into-phones” people in the world.
@CPT Callamity,
Rogueapp lmbao
hell yea but when you wit a girl for a few months you know wha week is bad so you get it in before you have to hibernate for a week.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
After checking my Pseudo conversational French dictionary, I should have made that Rouge (Red) app. I just know that in the initial phases I tend to meet up with a woman during “that time.” It’d help my azz out.
A lie detector application would be wonderful. Just think while out on dates you can just put the phone on the table and everytime somebody start up the thing just beeps or says “YOU AINT GOTTA LIE TO KICK IT!!”.
Also, a application that screens the random calls from my mom & dad. Even better if it can actually assist them with some of the crap they call for:
–computer issues or an announcement letting my dad know that he doesnt have a computer virus..he just dont know how to use his computer
–updates that let my mom know that I am safe after she has seen some random news report about a WHITE lady that was killed in the rural midwest (I AM BLACK & LIVE IN DC!!!),
– directions TO MY DAMN HOUSE THAT SHE HAS VISITED LIKE EVERY WEEK FOR THE PAST YEAR!!
–oh and a sweater update to let them know that I wore a sweater today because the weatherman said it was going to be chilly!
–and any other RANDOM a$$ thing they call me for during the course of the day. YES MY KIDS ATE TODAY, NO I DONT THINK THEY HAVE THE SWINE FLU, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
ahem i would just like to point out that sidekicks had apps WAY before iphones…and they were cooler.
k thx
@tnt,
and they were the size of VCRs. They used to come with shoulder harnesses and back braces.
DownLow Pro 1.0– to let you know if your date has extra-curricular activites like visiting bathouses when he says he’s playing xbox with the boys– will signal you with a RuPaul ring tone.
BusyBody 2.0– calls your office phone with a business type phone call when either your boss or that annoying co-worker is within a pre- set (your option) radius of your office/desk. Also beams a signal to your computer to close down all f*ckery sites (including VSB) and pull up whatever active projects you’re supposed to be working on.
@blackberry molasses,
down lo pro is a great idea!…esp if u live in the greater atlanta area!
@PrincesMo,
oh yes…some one needs to get that BusyBody 2.0 up in the app store A.S.A.P. i would buy an iPhone JUST for something like that.
One more. (for all those still in college Undergrad, Grad or Doctorial Program)
StudyGuide 2.0 (finds a digital copy of your text book and compiles the most important concepts and definitions of the chapters for you to study at home or on the go)
Say Word.
@ESQuared,
StudyGuide 2.0 (finds a digital copy of your text book and compiles the most important concepts and definitions of the chapters for you to study at home or on the go)
Better yet… beams it directly onto your cerebral cortex.
yes, and YES.
Where was that app from 2005-2007? It better be around in 2011… comps and dissertation are NOT A GAME.
@ESQuared,
StudyGuide 2.0 (finds a digital copy of your text book and compiles the most important concepts and definitions of the chapters for you to study at home or on the go)
WORD
@PrincesMo,
wuz up with that i thought atl was chocolate city freaknick all them georgia peaches everywhere i got fam down there and the buffets got tha finest breezys i eva did see wit my own 2 eyes. whas all this gay talk about? I heard about mase pickin up trannys but is it bad like that?
@blackberry molasses,
heck I need that app for when I move…I don’t need none of my boys to try and be my girls.
@blackberry molasses,
DownLow Pro is the best. That was my first thought while reading today’s post. I was about to put it but then saw yours and also thought y0u had the perfect name for it. If we had that, there’d be no more need for Oprah and/or Essence specials on the topic.
This needs to happen now.
@Cheekie,
Thanks!
I was thinking about calling it “You’ve Got a Ghey!”
(5000 cool points redeemable for AbsofrickinlutelyNuthin to the person who can name the show that came from!)
@blackberry molasses,
Sounds like Will and Grace
@blackberry molasses,
Family Guy. Pay up.
On the heels of one of your other entries…
Daddy Issues App.
Let’s you know what woman has TOO many issues for you and how much game you may/may not need to pull her for your conquest.
StinkHand – does he/she really wash their hands after he goes to the bathroom.
AND
DirtyBooty – does he/she really wipe their booty after they ‘chuck a duece’ (or two or three or four…)
@olivya23,
“StinkHand – does he/she really wash their hands after he goes to the bathroom. ”
I’m sure that this app would need to have a silent feature, it would go off all day.
@SAULE WRIGHT,
sadly… we need this app at my job. I WORK FOR THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.
You know who would set it off the most??? The doctors in the STD clinic.
@SAULE WRIGHT, i definitely need this app at work. Who knew that there are so many women who do not wash their hands after they use the bathroom…that’s why i carry hand sanitizer at all times. I’m tempted to start wearing latex gloves to work….
For those of us who work in offices or shop in public stores….
Who Pooted App?
It always seem that you walk INTO the smell or you smell it and everyone else is clueless. Expose them instantly with this app.
Breaf-O-Meter
Look, sometimes your coworkers or that stranger smell like they just had a supersized cup of Garbage Truck Juice and a Butt Bagel covered in pit gravy. Let them know where their rank, ranks.
@SAULE WRIGHT,
“Who Pooted App?”
*snort*
This reminded me of when Rickey Smiley hosted ComicView and he had that band called “Who Pooted”, which always makes me bust into a fit of giggles.
Also, I fully support this app. I also hate how people pick the most lush and delicate places to let out a stink bomb, like Vicky’s Secret or something. Like, that don’t match with the ambiance, nasty!
Great apps!
Other apps needed for the world:
iRaceCard: It lets you know when pulling it is appropriate or not. If it is, it offers you an appropriate smackdown and or b*tchslap for the offender; if not, it counts to ten for you, then gives you a back rub so you can ignore it and walk away.
Smashed The Homies Alert – Well, ya’ll know why this is important. They will scan the potential boo/jump-off/temp. If they smashed the homies, Danger’s picture will pop up and Tom Green’s infamous song will play. If not, then a thumbs-up sign will pop up.
@Cheekie,
Smashed The Homies Alert
Imma need the homie whos been smashed pic to pop up too. Im nosey like that.
@Cheekie,
my name is Carver The Great and i approve this message!
(see my post below)
Gehey-dar or Bi-dar app
Nothing in Your Size app – For those of us that get sick of going to stores, seeing something you love only to find out that it only comes in XXS, XS, and X. Or for us ladies with feet that are bigger or smaller than average…shoe shopping can be a challenging all day event.
Good A$$ Chicken app – finds the best chicken in a 10-20 mile radius…It’s kind of sad how much I love chicken, and I don’t care.
@Voiceofreason,
“It’s kind of sad how much I love chicken, and I don’t care.”
I feel your pain. Come, join me and the other Chicken Addicts Anonymous as we partake of the best vegetable of the earth (yep, I called it a vegetable).
There are a lot of comments so forgive me if someone has already posted this one. How about a “Girl, that fool is on the DL” app, meaning he doesn’t want you…he wants your ex.
Some of these brothas nowadays are so far in the closet, Narnia is their new vacation spot.
@Ashley Neicole,
“Narnia is their new vacation spot.”
Lol!
@Ashley Neicole,
Some of these brothas nowadays are so far in the closet, Narnia is their new vacation spot.
LMAO!!
“The Lion, The Witch, and The DL brotha in the Wardrobe….”
Lmao @ this post! I got one!
- the iBi-polar app… vibrates and sends alerts the moment this mofo’s next personality is about to surface.
-the iSybil app … this is for extreme cases. It alerts in different tones and vibrations according to whichever personality of the many personalities is popping out… kinda like different ringtones for different people…. different buzzes for different personalities in the same crazy a$$ person.
@pgh muse,
Or better yet, how about a good “Get the hell away from this fool!” when personality number 2 comes out! lol
Sorry, I have a Blackberry aka the BondBerry. However, the allure of an iphone gets enticing.
Sl*t detector: This would make things so much easier. Equipped with such features as the fellatiometer and porn factor. After a certain age, their disguises have become greatly improved.
realtime language/accent interpreter: allows you hold a conversation with people who speak other languages/accents in real times, while converting regional slang so that you can comprehend what the hell they mean.
that is all. for now…
Bond. BlkBond.
i know i’m late, but being that i own one of these lovely devices and i’m a gemini like the author, it’d be uncivilized of me NOT to buttress such a grandiose topic:
*clears throat*
SHE SMASHED THE HOMIES APPLICATION:
nothing worse than putting in some work with a chick only to find out later that you could have taken the easier road with intel from the homies, had you known to ask.
word to ray j.
SHE’S REALLY CHARLOTTE FROM SATC APPLICATION:
yeah we know that women love relationships, stability, and a mean pair of shoes, but damn ma, you can’t be putting my last name after yours and we’ve only been on two dates and shyt, have some patience…
THIS NUCCA CAN’T HOOP APPLICATION:
i ain’t no D1 or NBA talent, but i’m nice. i hate when you hear people talk big ish about playing ball then you get on the court with them and they are straight BASURA! on top of that, these dudes usually are the ones who have the best hooping attire…overcompensate much?
…AND LAST BUT DEFINITELY NOT LEAST…
*DRUM ROLL PLEASE*
HER POON SMELLS LIKE BONG/HOT DOG WATER APPLICATION:
ladies, biologically speaking YOUR NOSES WORK BETTER THAN OURS DO (that’s why you can always get poon thrown at you via nice cologne, word to jean paul gautier). so if WE smell that sh*t, we know you do too, and you had a 17 nose hair head-start.
there isn’t a more awkward, uncomfortable, and disapp0inting situation for men on earth then being suprised by your fragrance.
if you ever wanna see a grown man cry, put him in this situation.
…i am now going to read the comments, i forgive those who have stolen my ideas before i could post them.
i just thought of some more…
SHE LIKES WACK MUSIC APPLICATION:
i judge women the kind of music they listen to (and their azz-to-waist-ratio), thus if i get in your car and the ONLY cd in your selection is the latest Plies album, i shouldn’t be surprised that you spazz out on me in the club and try to make a scene…..
…sorry i’m off on a tangent….
SHE’D BE DOWN FOR A 3SOME APPLICATION:
self-explanatory.
Late as hell but. . .
They need an app that can delete your phone number from someone else contacts.
The next day when you realize that you forgot to give that clown the “one didgit off number” and drunkenly gave him the real one you can remove ya number to avoid those awkward, “Who is this? I met you where?” and the constant sending to voicemail for 5 days til he gets the hint.
@AngelicNastyness,
Yeah, thats a good one!
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