In Defense Of The “Relationship Expert”

Ok. Maybe some things aren't exactly defensible

Ok. Maybe some things aren’t exactly defensible

Of the several takeways from an hour or so of watching the Grammys last night…

1. Why is the 10 second long chopped and screwed version of Suit and Tie exponentially—exponentially!—better than the real version?

2. If they had an annual contest for “Rappers who could easily pass for WNBA players” wouldn’t Wiz Khalifa win every year?

3. Taylor Swift is very white with a lowercase “w,” very White with an uppercase “W,” and very WHITE in all caps. 

4. One of the most annoying (well, annoying and amusing) parts of being a teacher were the last couple months of each school year, when all the asshole seniors who were one suspension away from being expelled or one failing grade away from being held back morphed into Steve Urkel for eight weeks in an attempt to graduate. I’m not saying that Chris Brown reminded me of those seniors last night, but Chris Brown reminded me of those seniors last night. 

…the one that stood out to me the most was exactly how irrelevant LL Cool J was. This isn’t a dig at LL himself—while his makeup was a bit distracting, “I’m Bad” was the first rap song I memorized the lyrics to, so he’ll always hold a special place in my heart—but the irrelevance of a non-funny MC at an awards show. Seriously, if it’s not Chris Rock or Louie C.K. or anyone who’s there to poke a little fun at the audience, what’s the point of even having an MC? Since all the awards (and most of the performances) are introduced by presenters, an MC is basically just the dude who introduces the dudes who introduces the dudes who everyone is actually there to see.

Ironically, while I sit here questioning someone’s relevance, I’m writing this at a place that was made popular because of dating and relationship-centric content; a particular type of blog/blogging that—if Twitter and the blogosphere are any indication—many people seem to wish would become irrelevant. While there has always been a level of pushback to anyone who markets themselves that way, the pushback has definitely become a bit more consistent and definitely more antagonistic recently. And, despite the fact that being considered “relationship experts” or whatever has been very advantageous for us, we’ve even pushed back from that somewhat ourselves, as just a few months ago, Panama wrote about why he hated being labeled a relationship expert, and I gave an interview a couple weeks ago where I explained why the “relationship expert” label is an oxymoron. 

Now, part of this pushback is undoubtedly semantics-based. “Expert” and “Relationships” are two terms that just shouldn’t be put together, as it’s impossible to have an expertise with something so arbitrary and variable. Semantics aside, most of the people vehemently against “relationship experts” would be just as upset if the “experts” called themselves “relationship helpers” or “normal people with their own imperfect lives offering relationship-related answers to relationship-related questions they’re frequently asked” or “coital Yodas” instead. And, there seems to be four main criticisms.

1. “Relationship experts” tend to speak of men and women in monolithic terms, not accounting for differences and variations within all humans

2. Most advice is geared towards women

3. Many of the people dolling out this advice aren’t very qualified to do so

4. Some of the advice is clearly, for lack of a better term, f*cking stupid

Each of these points are valid. Most relationship writers/bloggers/experts/Yodas tend to write blogs, columns, and books with titles like “Why All Men Cheat” and “Stupid Things That Women Do And No Man Has Ever Done,” most advice is geared towards women, most of the people giving this advice have had their own past and current dating and relationship f*ck ups, and there’s some shitty-ass Fisher-Price bin at a Bodega advice out there.

But, since most relationship advice is somehow rooted in a person’s idea of pragmatism, it stands to reason that there’s a practical reason for each of the four things most commonly criticized.

Men and women are usually addressed in monolithic terms because, well, most men and women tend to act monolithically. Ok. Maybe monolithically is a bit inaccurate, but there are traits many (if not most) men share with each other and many (if not most) women share with each other, and it’s not wrong to acknowledge and address that. Yes, variations and exceptions exist—we’re all special and shit—but we’re not as unique as we want to believe.

For instance, in a relationship context, men tend to do the bare minimum needed to maintain some mental and emotional equilibrium, and women tend to overthink things on their way to equilibrium. Is this true for every single man and every single woman who’s ever existed? No. Is it true much more often than it’s false? Yes. And, while speaking in absolutes is technically wrong, when thinking of a subject, it just makes more logistic sense to say “The 10 Biggest Fears Men Have” or even “The 10 Biggest Fears Most Men Have” than “The 10 BIggest Fears 65.4% Of The Men I’ve Personally Interacted With And/Or Observed Tend To Share.”

 

Advice is geared usually geared towards women because…women are the ones who ask the most questions, visit the most sites, and buy the most books, and I’m not really sure what could be done to change that.

As far as the issue of unqualified people dolling out this advice, what exactly would make someone qualified? A degree? A blemish-less relationship record? A generous use of terms like “patriarchy” and “misogyny?” Admittedly, I do understand the train of thought behind this. You’re probably not going to ask a homeless man for financial advice, so it stands to reason that you’d prefer to hear dating and relationship-related advice from people who have positive relationship experiences. But, I don’t subscribe to the believe that   having a less than perfect relationship resume disqualifies someone from being able to speak and think logically, realistically, and insightfully about it, and I definitely don’t think that just because someone has been “successful”—”successful” in this sense means they’ve been in a long-term, monogamous relationship—they can advise other people on exactly what to do.

And yes, it’s true that some people offer some extra-simplistic fortune cookie-esque advice, but it’s also true that some people actually need it. Sure, maybe things like “don’t give up the cookie until after 90 days” just don’t apply to the type of educated and empowered woman who went to Georgetown, works for Booz Allen, and comments regularly at Jezebel. But, not everyone lives and/or wants that same life, and something she might think is stupid and sexist might spark a positive lightbulb in someone else’s head.

Really, all the “relationship expert” does is take conversations we all have with each other at game night or lunch or happy hour or Facebook and put them on paper. Some get paid for it. And, as with anything that can potentially involve money and some sort or status—especially something with a low barrier for entry—you’re bound to have people just looking to make a quick buck and/or score some panties, and you’re bound to have some idiots. Like with everything else, some people are going to be good, and some are going to be bad, and if the bad annoys you that much, just stop paying attention to it.

I get it. Really I do. I do understand why some people may wish that the relationship expert dies or, at least, skirts off into irrelevance, But they, well, we are just leading and continuing the conversations we’re going to have anyway, and as long as we’re interested in discussing and debating this topic, the “purposeless” has a purpose.

(Damn, maybe I was wrong about LL.)

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

  • AfroPetite

    I think The Dream was confused about which award show he was attending. The BET Awards aren’t until July. Also, this gif made my night

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/e7407b827d2c18866c76461850039541/tumblr_mi1abgWq721qz581wo1_500.gif

    • nillalatte

      I hollered when JayZ said, “I’d like to thank the swap meet for his hat.” LMAO…

      • AfroPetite

        Can’t take black folk no where -___-

        • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

          I didn’t watch the Grammys (eff you, West Coast tape delay) so I just Googled The-Dream’s outfit. Why is he dressed like that guy on the corner in Brooklyn selling umbrellas and gloves when it’s raining?

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

            I know, right. WTF with the tape delay for the West Coast!

          • Todd

            I didn’t watch it, but I just Googled it now.

            Whiskey.
            Tango.
            FOXTROT!!!

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

            Well, he did write “Umbrella” for Rihanna. Maybe he was just giving a remainder to people in case they forgot…*snickers*

      • IcePrincess3

        Because, dream tried to dis frank ocean, so jayZ dissed him! That sh*t was priceless.

        • nillalatte

          Ice, where you been? Folks almost started using your name in vein last week. :p

          • nillalatte

            *vain… oops.

          • IcePrincess3

            Mane, I had lost my damn phone! It’s what I use to comment. It was pure drama trying to replace it. Sorting thru a bunch of derelicts on CL trying to find a nice phone for the rite price smdh. I was still lurking tho. Seent the whole banning snafu. Good for peej! One was a jerk & the other one needs a padded cell. Rotflmao. I remember when she came atchu in the uppercut post wit all dat race-baiting nonsense. I knew she was wack AF then. Good riddance.

            • nillalatte

              And, you keep getting older with every new moniker. One day you gonna be like IcePrincess538546… LOL

        • Shamira

          Ice is back! I was sad that she missed out on the shenanigans of yesterweek :-(

          • Sweet GA Brown

            Ikr

        • Yonnie

          How did The Dream try to dis Frank Ocean?

          • IcePrincess3

            Frank ocean went to say something in the mic, and dream told him to “fall back” in a rude & dismissive way. IMHO

    • Ani-Q

      LMAO @ gif
      I was wondering if anyone else picked up on that…then my night was complete when I saw the bandage on Frank’s finger.
      Oh how I wish there was footage of this fight…pure comedy

    • GypsyCurl

      Here is my person-blog relationship advice to VSB: After a huge event such as the Grammys, the immediate next day blog should be about said event since the topic keeps diverging to said event. J/K

      But since the topic has gone awry, Rihanna will never be able to sing no matter how catchy her songs are, just like Britney Spears. We all admit B.S. can’t sing but has catchy songs, why are some people so hesitant to admit RiRi will never have a great singing voice? I will bob my head to Britney and RiRi songs, that don’t mean they can sing.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Here is my person-blog relationship advice to VSB: After a huge event such as the Grammys, the immediate next day blog should be about said event since the topic keeps diverging to said event.”

        perhaps I’ll do this for the NBA all-star game

        • nillalatte

          Ugh.

        • GypsyCurl

          Nooooooo! I take back my advice. LOL

          Or maybe I will watch the game so I can contribute to the combo.

        • Marshal

          I concur with that

    • Zenzo

      That gif. I especially love the ice glare Adele is throwing Chris

  • nillalatte

    Some women try to manipulate men. I think that is, in a word, stupid. Who da hell wants to willingly live in a world of delusion? Not many ‘real’ women and not a smart man.

    A friend of mine got to telling me about his baby mama one day. He basically just needed someone to listen to him about her idiocy. I won. :| Anyway, she was trying to pressure him into marrying her. She kept bugging him for a ring. He kept telling her it wasn’t going to happen. Next he knows, she done went out and bought a ring and acted like he should have done it for her. Her thought processes made me stop in mid motion. I was like WTF? He said, “I told you she was crazy.” smdh

    Any way, about people selling books just for money. This has always been my favorite book. http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03/14/blank-book-on-what-men-think-about-besides-sex-outsells-harry-po/

    • AfroPetite

      Women are the crazy ones but no one ever comments on the many men who willingly look past obvious signs of dysfunction time and time again.

      • Latonya

        Do you watch bridezilla? All those men that were on that show were with crazy women. I personal believe man love crazy women.

      • That Ugly Kid

        You just did. So there ya go….

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        Good hoo-hah usually cancels out questionable behavior- at least until the girl reveals more of herself at inopportune moments.

        Not that I know anything about that, of course…

      • keisha brown

        oop

      • Rewind

        Because women don’t believe that many men have only known crazy women all of their lives, so they stick to what they know best…and other men just were taught that women are just naturally a headache. The worse the headache, the better the woman.

        So see, both genders have been lied to. Severely.

    • H.H.H.

      the situation your friend described..happens, alot. to other guys.

      so, if someone came around, spreading the gospel of ‘hey, you probably should keep your junk in your pants and thats why’…it might not apply to a few guys (maybe because they’re just so smart. or perhaps they’re just that ugly.) but for a lot of guys, they may say.. “you know what? that makes sense”

      same way for relationship experts.

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Hold up, ugly guys are winning in 2013. Mark my words. And they dont even have to be trickin or chilvarous. Hell, they dont even have to have a real personality. The thirst is real.

        • Asiyah

          LOL!

        • ‘L’

          Sooooooo the physicality of sex and release r real, but equating the physical act of sex 2 love…well duh?!

    • Latonya

      Damn she was crazy!! Next time I hope this woman move on!

    • msdebbs

      Yea homegirl is NUTS. I think it’s quite pathetic to force a man to marry you. Honey get it together if he won’t do it then find a man that will. Men do it all the time….

    • Kema

      I may have ‘forced’ my ex husband to marry me. You can’t really force someone to marry you. You can be very blunt about your intentions and what you expect which he will later call being forced.

      • IcePrincess3

        Wait….are u really Kenya Moore? ;-)

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

          What the h*ll has happened to Kenya Moore? She used to be a respectable woman with a career. And now all of this reality TV crap.

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            I think she wants to be an actress and she’s using reality TV as her stage.

            • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

              You might be right, WIP. But, I wonder if anyone will ever take her seriously after seeing her on RHOA.

              • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                Well it seems to be a come up depending on how you play it. Nene is “rich” now. The other lady Teresa is getting paid off cookbooks. They say she’s a good business woman (on the show). See if “Stallion B00ty” shows up in the Comcast On-Demand.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “What the h*ll has happened to Kenya Moore?”

            I ask God this same question every night

        • Kema

          *Does a pageant wave* Hey Icey!

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      “Anyway, she was trying to pressure him into marrying her. She kept bugging him for a ring. He kept telling her it wasn’t going to happen. Next he knows, she done went out and bought a ring and acted like he should have done it for her. Her thought processes made me stop in mid motion. I was like WTF? He said, “I told you she was crazy.” smdh”

      Not really crazy. Desperate as hell? That’s an absolute…vodka…
      *in Drake’s voice*

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Crazy…desperate…its not really that much of a difference is it?

    • Todd

      Who da hell wants to willingly live in a world of delusion? Not many ‘real’ women and not a smart man.

      Sadly, there are a lot of fake chicks and dumb dudes out there…present company included in the latter.

      • Asiyah

        YES! People of BOTH genders. Glad you said that.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “She kept bugging him for a ring. He kept telling her it wasn’t going to happen.”

      were they even together? if so, why?

      • nillalatte

        Ummm… that’s kind of hard to answer. Yes and no. They dated, bought a house together, live together, and slept in the same bed (with their daughter according to him). However, he said they never did the nasty past a certain time in their relationship after their daughter was born.

        She kept playing head games with him saying she was gonna move out, go to another state, get her own place, blah blah blah. He just got to the point that he didn’t care what she did, but he told her she wasn’t going to take his daughter away from him. They were ‘together’ and he was about to call it off when she got pregnant. He stepped up to being a daddy for his daughter, but still has to put up with her drama.

        Personally, I’m like O_O at how it all transpired just before he was gonna break it off. But, OMG, he kept me SO entertained with her antics.

        • ‘L’

          “they dated, they lived together, bought a house together”
          What brand of crack is he smoking? Y is he surprised gurly got pregnant & y is he still living with her? And she’s delusional?, what about him? He can break it off move out & still b a father 2 his child…& u ask y we need ‘relationship experts, conversation’ 2 bring people back from the brink.

    • Aponda Rose

      That’s could be true but men do it, too. Sometimes, a man will provoke a woman because it’s his bizarre way of testing how a woman feels about him. Or he’s entertained by it. Or likes to entertain his friends with it.

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    The problem is Black relationship “experts.” White people get Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, people with credentials and isht.

    Black people can’t even get literate ninjas. Tyrese? Rev. Run? It’s insulting that this is what the media, both mainstream and BET, thinks of us. Also, being single is not a problem. There is nothing I hate more than hearing “Halle Berry can’t keep a man.” Halle Berry makes $20mil a movie, but a ninja who can’t keep a job thinks he’s superior? No, have a seat.

    • AfroPetite

      “Halle Berry makes $20mil a movie, but a ninja who can’t keep a job thinks he’s superior? No, have a seat.”

      *begins slow clap*

      • curlygirl

        *stands up and joins in*

      • Todd

        I’m with ya, but then again, Halle Berry apparently can turn pretty male models into MMA artists with her nani. Not cosigning dude w/o a job, but I’m wondering if Halle Berry isn’t close to dude’s level on some relationship ish.

    • IcePrincess3

      Girl, dr. Phil is nothing but a quack! He is money hungry & will exploit anybody for a buck. His own marriage has been in shambles for years, let the National Enquirer tell it. While he loves to parade robin out there like we give a crap what she has to say. Those two are just flexing for tv.

      • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

        National Enquirer is a tabloid, you need more pippoz.

        • Asiyah

          Actually AM, the Enquirer has gotten a bit better. They have a few legit stories in their archives. They were the ones who broke the story of John Edwards’ now infamous affair. And hey, it’s better than the NY Post!

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

            Lol. Bossip is better than the NY Post.

          • H.H.H.

            “And hey, it’s better than the NY Post!”

            when your selling point as a news vehicle is “being better than the NY Post”…you still need mor peepolez

    • Latonya

      Tyrese get on my nevers with all that self righteous act! Who in the world would take the time to listen to this man. I watch the interview him and Rev. Run did together with power 105, Tyrese claims he wants to be a man of God then next sentence he says he cannot imagine doing what Rev Run is doing???
      I’m sick of relationship books for women why can they not make a book for men and title it Get Your Damn Life Togther.

      • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

        You might be sick, but I can assure you 99% of sales of Manology will come from us, women. We are our own worst enemy, with some of us supporting these ludicrous “experts”! Tyrese has a very loyal fan base-and a very educated one at that too that buys his grammar infested “man-gherrolosphy” like it were the gospel truth. He MUST be doing something right.

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Actually “Men Don’t Heal, We Hoe” was a really good book for everyone. It was entertaining if anything.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “i’m sick of relationship books for women why can they not make a book for men and title it Get Your Damn Life Togther.”

        why make a book no one would buy?

        • nillalatte

          Shyt, they need to learn to love themselves before Ne-Yo finds them! Ha!

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            and yet again, no man would buy it.

            • AfroPetite

              So what kind of self help books do men purchase?

              • mena

                How to fix cars and unclog toilets. Things that actually come in handy and provide real solutions. IMO.

              • Asiyah

                I don’t think men really buy those types of books.

                • AfroPetite

                  Agreed. I do know of a friend who owns “How to Be A Gentlemen” which he passes on to his little mentees. Other than that, the books my male friends own aren’t related to self help at all.

              • Third Of August

                I’ve bought several self-help books over the past few years. A lot of them were geared toward building confidence and such. I also have The Art of Seduction and Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.

                • Asiyah

                  8/3! Where have you been?
                  -
                  And I need one of those books! I’d rather a book on how to build confidence than a book on how to get a man.

                  • Third Of August

                    I’ve been working, working out, and getting my life together. Or, as I like to put it, reducing my margin of error.

              • H.H.H.

                Hill Harper – The Conversation
                Hill Happer – Letters to my Younger Brother (whichever one is the one he wrote to guys (note, that was his first book)
                - 48 Laws of Power
                - Art of Seduction
                - 33 Strategies of War

                off the top of my head, are in my personal library. i also intend to purchase a cooking book (because i don’t cook) and probably the updated version of Dale Carnegie’s book.

                but, SI’s swimsuit issue comes out tommorrow, so priorities, priorities. :)

                • Third Of August

                  I totally forgot about those two Hill Harper books. I’ve read those as well. Very informative, and helped me to see that even celebrities go through the same things us “regular” folks think they don’t have to deal with.

        • ‘L’

          Cosigning…besides men don’t read they just look @ the pictures ;)) j/k

      • SweetSass

        You don’t need a book. You need a mallet with the words “Get Yo Life 2Gether” backwards so you can smack them in the forehead and it leaves an imprint they can read in a mirror.

        The ones who need this advice can’t or don’t read books. Psssshhhh…

      • Marshal
    • msdebbs

      Tyrese needs advice on how to SHUT THE F*CK UP. I wouldn’t take relationship advice from him if he had Idris Elba deliver it to me butt arse naked with a Million bucks stuffed in a Birkin bag.

      • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        That would be the ONLY way I’d buy Tyrese’s book. Then Idris and I would sit by the fire…with Tyrese’s book in it

        • Sweet GA Brown

          “Then Idris and I would sit by the fire…with Tyrese’s book in it….”
          On a fur rug and go half on many children…

      • Em.

        Heck nekkid Idris Elba could even read it to me.

      • Todd

        I would. A ninja needs that cash. And my wife can have Idris Elba. :)

      • keisha brown

        ill take the birkin doe

    • mena

      Never thought of it this way and thanks for making me LOL.

      Also black experts seem to be male, have baby mamas and/or have never been married past a few years if at all. It’s the perception of the black “experts”, though I am sure there are some qualified people who don’t fit this stereotype. It’s always the loudest ones who get the most attention.

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        Sounds like some darts were thrown by Mena at Tariq Nasheed and Michael Baisden…

        • mena

          I only know who one of those guys are and only b/c I like to listen to old school jams from time to time. The moment that Michael starts to speak, i turn the radio.

          No darts thrown but, to be quite honest, *sigh* the way that black relationship experts would tell it, it just seems like black people don’t like each other. That is the part that gets under my skin the most. I know that the genders may have their differences but I don’t believe that I ever looked at a black man like he was my enemy who was out to crush my spirit and make my life h3ll.. Now, I do see black males walking around that i would LOVE for them to “act right” but to look at the whole as if I am going to war is just not the business.

          So when i see these black relationship experts, who by the way always tend to want to “help” black women by putting them down in some way fashion or form, i just shake my head and keep it moving. This isn’t my reality so it is something that is foreign to me. I have men (both black and white) who have shown me nothing but respect and love. And i have dated and seen the way that a black man adores me. I know that it is possible. It just takes time, work, and well…LUCK! People forget that.

          • GypsyCurl

            “This woman isn’t even sure the world is round but it’s okay for her to give relationship advice” LMFAO

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

            “No darts thrown but, to be quite honest, *sigh* the way that black relationship experts would tell it, it just seems like black people don’t like each other.”

            Well…it’s not like they are lying, are they?

            ” That is the part that gets under my skin the most. I know that the genders may have their differences but I don’t believe that I ever looked at a black man like he was my enemy who was out to crush my spirit and make my life h3ll..”

            You are speaking for yourself, however there are some who felt just like that. I won’t say who or when it was said on here, but if your knock around long enough, you will find it…

            ” Now, I do see black males walking around that i would LOVE for them to “act right” but to look at the whole as if I am going to war is just not the business.”

            Welcome to the wonderful world of Love…(Black) American Style. Where war between the genders is an everyday thing- even when it doesn’t need to be.

            “So when i see these black relationship experts, who by the way always tend to want to “help” black women by putting them down in some way fashion or form, i just shake my head and keep it moving. This isn’t my reality so it is something that is foreign to me. I have men (both black and white) who have shown me nothing but respect and love. And i have dated and seen the way that a black man adores me. I know that it is possible. It just takes time, work, and well…LUCK! People forget that.”

            I wouldn’t call it luck- it’s more along the lines of selective memory. People out in the world right now are more content with harping on the negative. Why? Because no one will listen to a person happy in a relationship, but a person that’s bitter gets more attention and airtime.

            • H.H.H.

              P.A. be knowing. *salute*

          • GypsyCurl

            Ignore previous comment; wrong post.

            “This isn’t my reality so it is something that is foreign to me. I have men (both black and white) who have shown me nothing but respect and love”

            Most advice to black women as a monolithe always assumes and even states that the black woman does not and is not willing to date non-black men. And that black women are waiting around for a black man and therefore needs advice on how to get a black man.

          • H.H.H.

            “*sigh* the way that black relationship experts would tell it, it just seems like black people don’t like each other. ”

            between facebook, twitter, and certain blogs/websites….that would appear to be the case.

            *now playing: Marsha Ambrsiousousleys – Cold War (internet reFix feat. Lil’ Wayne)*

            • mena

              “between facebook, twitter, and certain blogs/websites….that would appear to be the case.” And this is why i try to stay away from as much social media as possible. When PJ wrote that post about people not having social media accounts, i was thinking to myself that this is one of those reasons.

          • Marshal

            Baisden says the Same.Crap.EVERY.DAMN.WEEK.

            “Why can’t Women Hike the Football?”
            ‘How come there are Tons of Deadbeat Dads?”
            “Is Black Marriage Dead?”
            “Etc, etc, etc”

            • Sweet GA Brown

              Thats true. Once you listen to one of his shows you have heard them all. Its the whole “wake up ppl!!!” concept. So I guess the majority of his audience is sleeping.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Also black experts seem to be male, have baby mamas and/or have never been married past a few years if at all.”

        lol, is that “black experts” or just “99% of black men in general”?

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

      “Black people can’t even get literate ninjas.”

      ABC’s Nightline did a show on this subject a while back and they actually had Sherri Sheppard on the panel giving advice. This woman isn’t even sure the world is round but it’s okay for her to give relationship advice to Black women.

      • GypsyCurl

        “This woman isn’t even sure the world is round but it’s okay for her to give relationship advice” LMFAO

      • Sweet GA Brown

        She of all ppl should not be giving advice for many reasons. But when the Earth is flat thats when you need to apply for the bagger position at the nearest grocery store and have several seats.

        Im happy that she found love again but she annoys me.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      As I said once before, Black people and relationship advice are a no go. They are as helpful as Asian drivers giving directions, LMAO!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “The problem is Black relationship “experts.” White people get Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, people with credentials and isht.”

      I’m glad you brought this up, because it addresses a fundamental difference in the way some people see these “experts.” Although there are certain things particular to Black people, when I hear people like Tyrese or Steve Harvey or whoever giving advice, it’s for women…not Black women. Sure, Black women (and men) might be the ones listening, but I just never took at as “these guys are trying to school Black women” as much as “these guys are trying to speak about some fundamental—and racially transcendent—differences between men and women”

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        That’s cuz they are trying to crossover so they can make as much money as possible. But, I wonder if non-Black women are really going to take advice from Tyrese.

  • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

    Grammy’s
    -Miguel’s performance, ‘Adore’ was my favorite, followed closely by Bruno Mars, Sting and the Marleys. [Rihanna's presence and goat voice was a waste of stage space] Can I just say those Marley boys were looking hella sharp. I almost fainted when Damien came on. His locs. The end.
    -The Dream should promptly change his name to The Nightmare.

    Relationship ‘Experts’
    -You are single, never been in a long term committment, or have been in one and never put a ring on it, and have the nerve to tell black women it’s their fault that they are not married. They should do x,y, and z. Sir, SADDOWN. Go ‘expertise’ yourself.

    Happiest Monday.

    • Latonya

      The Marley’s were HOT!!! Rihanna singing was ok the illuminati got her some singing lesson! LOL

      • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

        NO! Her singing was the bleating of a goat. They just invited her to do the cover, because of her Carribean roots. They should have instead invited the likes of ETANA to SANG, and teach that youngin a thang or two.

        • Em.

          I’m glad I missed that. Rihanna’s voice when she sings is like the sound of feral cats making love.

        • IcePrincess3

          Yea, Rihanna was terrible. Painful to listen to. Now I see why her studio albums succeed, but her tours be strugglin. Ain’t nobody finna pay to hear a goat yodel.

          • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

            Her studio albums are not as successful. The label buys them back, making them seem so successful.

          • Malik

            She’s been the in the highest paid people on tour (often above even Beyonce) for like the past 3 years.

          • msdebbs

            “Ain’t nobody finna pay to hear a goat yodel.”

            *DEAD*

        • Negro Libre

          Yeh Chris Brown knocked out all those Carribean roots. She sounds like an Asian trying to be Jamaican
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUwj_NOEn8w

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

      Lol. I thought Rihanna sounded pretty good, for once, during the Bob Marley mini-tribute.

      • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

        Hiya!

        -Just, no.

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

          Lol.

          Hiya, AM! :-)

    • GypsyCurl

      “have the nerve to tell black women it’s their fault that they are not married”

      How about, don’t date black women but want to market relationship advice to black women????

      • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

        Girl, even Darnell the pimp with the gold tooth has an opinion and a book out too. Whatevs.

      • GypsyCurl

        Or how about, black male relationship experts that don’t want to get married (or won’t wed their baby mama) but want to tell black women what they need to do to get a black man to propose/wed?

        It’s all hypocrisy and lies. No one lives by what they preach.

    • keisha brown

      that lack of tribute was wack.
      how you gonna kick off a tribute to an artist with a large catalog with your own song and then just do ONE??? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        Yeah, I was expecting them to do more than one Marley song. But, I still enjoyed it.

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

    About the Grammys

    01. Wiz Khalifa f’d up Adorn
    02. The Bob Marley tribute was really good.
    03. I hate Fun! Their song is so annoying.
    04. Jay Z f’d up Suit and Tie
    05. Lol@Drake

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I hate Fun!”

      never thought I’d agree with this sentence

  • H.H.H.

    so long as someone wants to know the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of relationships, there will be a (entertainment) need for them. guys do seek out relationship advice as well, quiet as it’s kept.

    if the advice doesn’t apply to you…ignore it. like you did BET Uncut. *shrugs*.

    or make ya own advice for a subset of the population that needs no advice. get you that steve harvey money to spruce up your own websites/blogs.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      “if the advice doesn’t apply to you…ignore it. like you did BET Uncut. *shrugs*.”

      You know good and well that no one ignored BET Uncut- especially with classics like this:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eEGOM6EbkE

      • Todd

        A classic of American Literature. LOL

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          Is it just me or does he look just like Dinco D. from Leaders Of The New School? LMAO!

      • ‘L’

        Wo ow! I had 4gotten BET uncut, wo ow. (hiding my face)

    • Asiyah

      “if the advice doesn’t apply to you…ignore it.”

      I was actually just thinking this. *nods head*

  • Lyneka

    I have decided relationship experts don’t exist to me. As a matter of fact, parenting experts don’t exist either. You can state you like to have conversations about relationships, but an expert has to have experience and something to show for it in order for me to even consider such a label. (The you in this sentence, btw, is not YOU, per se, but my thoughts on ANYONE under that umbrella.) And, well, that means –for me– what I consider to be a long-term healthy relationship. (This does not mean a relationship without problems.) To put it simply, I’ll compare it to say, Lindsay Lohan’s mom claiming to be a parenting expert.

    Whatcha got to show for it?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “but an expert has to have experience and something to show for it in order for me to even consider such a label. ”

      couldn’t you also make the argument that a person who’s been in a bunch of relationships has the requisite experience to make them an “expert?”

      • SweetSass

        Not if the expertise you are seeking consists in how to stay and be happy in one long relationship.

      • Lyneka

        What @sweetsass wrote.

        Basically, for me, that just means I might listen to the person give advice on relationships, and learn not what to do, unless they’re spouting what I want. I think people often think that when they’re delivering advice that friends, foes and family are listening because they think it’s “so great,” but sometimes people are paying attention because they also want to learn what not to do. There are people so horribly destructive in relationships that you hear how they behave, examine yourself for what parts may be similar, and work to make yourself not like that. Those tend to not be folks that bill themselves as “experts,” btw.

        I would never read Stevie Harvey’s books on relationship. There is nothing about his life that makes him worthy to me of “good” relationship advice. I’ll watch the movie for mindless entertainment. (It wasn’t bad, btw.)

        A relationship requires you to open your heart and be open to building your own community with another person. There’s no outsider that can shine a light on that. I really think most people read people like Harvey and etc. for sh*ts and giggles. And, to avoid being like them. When they’re looking for similar experiences, they maybe use google and come across reader or yahoo like questions to feel not so alone. But, that’s not anything masquerading as expertise.

        Don’t get me wrong, I do think people on the path to fulltime can offer advice. So, no I don’t think a person that historically is the a bad half of a relationship cannot give advice. However, most of us take the grain of salt approach. We remember. Plus, I think the broken clock right twice a day –unless it’s digital, then maybe only once– thing comes into play.

  • Mirabella

    I think seeking out relationship experts has less to do with the particular advice and more to do with people wanting to find other people in the same boat as them. So if your SO / boo / suitor does something stupendously crazy it’s comforting or helpful to decode their behaviour by seeking out the wisdom of others. Or just to be able to say “oh so I’m not crazy after all”

    But I would still take any relationship advice from anybody with a grain of pepper.

    For some reason I find the female relationship advice blogs the worst though.

  • Bittersweet

    Remember that couple that had been married for 85 years? They were qualified to give relationship advice. The NY Times is on the right track; they’ve started featuring couples who’ve been together 25 years. I’d like to see them take that on the dark side, ’cause as Mary said “it ain’t all roses”. It can’t be.

    Frankly, the wrong people are stepping up to advise. If I want to know how to do something better, I want to hear from someone who’s done it, and does it well, not a novice like me.

    In that vein, the Grammy folks could learn a thing or two about producing a tribute from the folks at BET. I thought they were going to do a real retrospective on the Legend when the Marleys started coming out, and then it was over. smh.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Remember that couple that had been married for 85 years? They were qualified to give relationship advice.”

      …and maybe not. for all we know, they could have put up with things—infidelity, abuse, food stealing, etc—that would (and should) have been dealbreakers for most other people.

      i’m not saying that this is true, but it’s just dangerous to assume that “they’ve been together for a while” automatically equals “they must have some great tidbits to share”

      • Yonnie

        lol. “food stealing.”

        But seriously, I always wince a little when I hear people say, “My grandparents have been together for 65 years.” That’s cool and all, and should be applauded, but I’m more interested in the number of years that your grandparents have been happily married. If your grandfather has three outside children and anoooother wife ($200* to the person who names that reference), then I’m not aspiring to that.

        *payable on February 31st.

        • Just me

          Smh. A rolling stone, indeed.

      • Eps

        People fail to realize that relationships have changed because men and women can leave a marriage/relationship without the social slander that comes with it. 80 years ago, a divorced woman was socially ostracized, could not get a job. Thus, it was more beneficial for her to stay. Nowadays, it is more beneficial to leave a bad relationship.

    • Ani-Q

      I never like the idiom ” what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” especially when it comes from an 85 years old love story.

  • Bittersweet

    Oh, and there should be no whistling on awards shows. Ever.