I’m Sorry To Disappoint Everyone, But Donald Trump Ain’t Getting Impeached Or Going To Prison » VSB

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I’m Sorry To Disappoint Everyone, But Donald Trump Ain’t Getting Impeached Or Going To Prison

Chris Kleponis/Pool/Getty Images


The only redeeming stretch in Batman v Superman — a movie so aggressively shitty that The Wife Person and I watch it each time its on just to find new shit to hate about it — comes directly after the single worst scene in the movie. Batman is about to kill the shit out of Superman, and Superman whispers “Save…Martha.” And Batffleck jumps back all surprised and pained and shit like “Why did you say that name which also happens to be my dead mother’s name too?” And Lois Save A Super Ho somehow emerges from Superman’s anus to blurt “That’s his mom’s name too!

After they clarify things and make brunch plans to patch things up, the movie finally decides to get interesting, as Batman goes and murders everyone in line at a Williamsburg Chipotle to save Superman’s mom, and Lex Zuckerburg decides to unleash Doomsday, which allows Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman to finally join forces. Lots of loud and violent and cool things happen next.

This stretch also produces my favorite line in the movie. After the government shoots a shitload of missiles at Doomsday’s grill, he consumes them, does this shock wave thing, pounds his chest, screams “MY BITCHES ARE BAD AND BOUJEE”, and then actually gets bigger and stronger. Upon seeing this, Harry Lennix’s token Black general sighs “That nigga’s unkillable.”

It is (probably) hyperbolic to also consider Donald Trump to be unkillable, since he’s (probably) not the Antichrist, and could (conceivably) die countless different ways. He might even already actually be dead, and the man we elected President could just be a hollowed-out marionette filled with Good & Plentys and controlled with fish wire by Vladimir Putin. This is (probably) not true, but it’s worth considering.

What is true, however, is that from the time Trump decided to run for President to the time he was actually elected, there were no less than a dozen different instances of Something Happening That Would Seem To Render Trump Unelectable. And each time it happened, we (collectively) exhaled and said “Whew, that was a close one” — effectively turning into The Guy In Every Friday The 13th Who Knocks Jason Down With A Frying Pain, Thinks He’s Dead, Turns His Back To Celebrate, And Gets Disemboweled With An Espresso Machine By A Totally Not Dead At All Jason.

You’d think we would have learned. Especially after the disemboweling thing. But in the three months that Trump has been President, we’re still playing the same game. Trump does or says something we think is going to get him impeached. Or arrested. Or just punched in the fucking face. And we put all of our eggs in the Trump Is Canceled party basket. We hold reservations, buy party favors, and even make after party plans. And then nothing happens. And then he does something again. And we’re like “Oh…this is for real this time. He can’t survive this.” And then he emerges stronger and more powerful, like his spray tan is a force field.

It’s understandable why we’d feel this way. Because this nigga was supposed to be unelectable. And he should be impeached and/or incarcerated. These are perfectly logical and predictable outcomes to his behavior. But what makes him unkillable is both the illogical support he still receives from his stans — still too blinded by racial anxiety and antagonism to see past their own fucking teeth — and the craven, spineless, and feckless fucking Republicans (and fucking Democrats) in D.C. He will remain in power as long as they remain intoxicated and terrified by it; hoping perhaps to suckle some power residue off of him, like a plover bird grasping at what’s between a gator’s teeth. And as long as they remain as bitch-ass as they’ve proven to be, Trump’s bitch ass aint going anywhere. The only way to kill him is to beat them, not him. Cause they aint going to let it happen.

Of course, I could be wrong. And I hope I am. After all, the seemingly unkillable Doomsday was actually killed. We just might have to sit through a few more hours of Superhero Telenovela to finally see it happen.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Giantstepp

    I think you may be correct. Nothing seems to tarnish or stick to him, and as a result he will probably serve out his term. My theory is, despite who won election 2016 that it would probably be a one term Presidency because the dissatisfaction was so strong for both of them. And I believe that the resistance is real. I’ve never seen this much open opposition to a new administration. Opposition usually pops up around passing policy and legislation etc.-but this seems different to me.

  • theaythmonth

    But y’all. People in this country are angrier than I’ve ever seen. Other countries are either baffled or they’re laughing at us. There’s NO WAY he (and his low-down administration) can keep this up. They don’t want to actually lead.

    Here’s the key to impeachment: 2018 mid-term elections.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      They finna do a whole lot of damage.

      Will the Red States catch so much damage that they flip?

      Doubt it. They’re going to drag us all down

      • theaythmonth

        Georgia. So if Ossoff wins, there’s a chance that state can go blue in 2020. Not saying it would entirely depend on him, but it’s a start.

    • MsCee

      I rebuke Trump being President all 8 years in the name of Black Jeezus.

      • theaythmonth

        Not all 8. I don’t think he would win reelection.

        *knocks on wood*

        • You voting for Cuomo?

          • AzucarNegra

            Andrew? I see the Bernie crowd has started to bash him

    • If those other countries ain’t Canada, they need to shut up. Ain’t nobody exactly doing well right now. Shenanigans is the democracy wave right now.

      • theaythmonth

        Lol @ your last sentence. Montreal here I come, I guess.

        • kingpinenut

          Antarctica is a better bet

      • Monica Harris


      • Catfish Jenkins

        Aww appreciate the love.

        I’ve mentioned it before, I asked my mom why she came to Canada and not the US, and she told me she wasn’t about to deal with the f’ery that the US was. Granted, Canada has its issues, but I am forever grateful she chose here.

        • From what I’ve noticed about Canada, it’s held on to the good parts of elitism more than other places. It causes its own problems, but there seems to be a certain framework that society functions in. Combine that with a sincere fear of being like the US, and it takes the edge off of Canadian politics.

          • Catfish Jenkins

            Oh, we got our share of nutjobs that want to be like the US. I do believe they won’t get a sniff of real political power though.

    • PhlyyPhree

      I WANT to believe that the 2018 mid-terms are the key, but I don’t see the Anti45 sentiment getting people that far. Additionally, I feel like that might be more damaging to us in the long run. If every official’s main platform consists of “I’m Not Him” and that’s it, then what else they going to do when they’re elected, he’s impeached/out of office and there’s still a whole a ss country to run?

      • Word. Hillary Clinton’s campaign boiled down to I’m Not Him, and that worked out to be the biggest political flop in American electoral history. Let’s try something different, whatever that is. Heck, Offer Free Power-Ups a la that Bowser-Princess YouTube video? *Something*

        • PhlyyPhree

          Exactly. And she actually had a comprehensive strategy to back up her campaign. A lot of the talk I see now is just reflexive and that’s not exactly making me want to run out and vote for anyone either.

      • The Democrats are not going to take back the House or Senate in 2018.

        • PhlyyPhree

          Sure aren’t. But hey, let them spin their little wheels and try

        • I’ll give them a shot at the House. The Senate would require miracles.

          • Alessandro De Medici

            House is possible, but one wonders if they can overcome internal divisions to take it, because it’s there for the taking.

          • There’s no point in predicting anything at this point. After November anything can happen.

  • Brass Tacks

    The Trump as Doomsday, notion is apt. Not only because whatever the opposition throws at him, he seems to devour and gain strength from, but because Doomsday is the only entity known to have kiIIed Superman(American Idealism).

    That being said; I don’t think he will be an easy out in 2018, if only because his actions haven’t drastically impacted most Americans day to day living. A case of: Doomsday may have kiIIed Superman, but Metropolis is still thriving, so…

    Question: If Trump is, Doomsday would that make Pence, Luthor?

    • Catfish Jenkins

      Actually, y’all should be more concerned with who is Brainiac. Doomsday can always be sent to the Negative Zone.

      • Brass Tacks

        I love the reference! But there isn’t a Brainiac level genius in American Politics (Rep or Dem), currently.

        They all like to think they are worthy of the mantle tho.

        • Catfish Jenkins

          Someone had to have a bit of Brainiac in his/her synapse in order to get Cheeto elected.

          • Brass Tacks

            Hmmm…Sound logic

  • kingpinenut

    Val’s chicken talk broke a ninja down so bad he ate fake bird from McD…… *queasay*

    I’ll be the ninja in the corner…..watchin the mothapukkin house burn…that is all..

  • I’m amazed at how many people don’t understand Trump’s staying power…and I don’t. I’m amazed because it’s pretty freakin’ obvious what he’s about. For over 30 years in the public eye, he’s maintained a talent for selling himself and his businesses. While he might be a mediocre manager, he’s great at getting over on people, which is what every salesman is good at. Just because he didn’t market his ish to Black and Latin folk doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what time it is with his core customers.

    I’m not surprised because Trump represents a blow to a lot of egos in the intelligensia, no matter what your politics are, present company included. George Carlin once said we can’t do any better with our leaders because it’s the best we can do. The painful fact is this is American Democracy, period. Yes, it would be nice if people weren’t tribal, but they are. It would be nice if they paid deep attention to policy debates, but they don’t. At some point, you can either be right or win. Right now, #theresistance is looking like a bunch of D’Antoni acolytes coaching an elimination game in the playoffs against a Popovich coached squad. #shotsfired

    Also, shout out to Corey Levandowski, Trump’s first campaign manager. As much of an a$$hole as he was, he’s not an idiot. He figured out Trump way before a lot of people, and like a talented coach, surrounded him with role players and figured out a system for him to win. I don’t have to like it, but Game recognize Game.

    • kingpinenut

      I laugh at the dumb folks who said Cheeto would not get elected every damb day!

      • I was originally with them, but after a while, you are what your record says you are. At some point, what’s actually happening in front of you has to sink in. The sad part is that it still hasn’t for so many.

        • kingpinenut

          Well, I don’t care about politrikkks so I can observe rather objectively.

          When I saw 45 doing his do I knew what was going down…

          Interviewer: “Would you use nukes??””

          45: “I mean…we have nukes, of course we have to say we’ll use nukes! It’s all part of negotiations”

          *switches off videotubes*

        • Giantstepp

          I never thought he’d win. It took me until about 10 on election night to realize that he was gonna get it. I bought all of those BS polls and how he had no path to 270 and it would be a historical landslide etc. I bought it all! And I am not an uninformed type. Still can’t believe it either.

          • Nametaken

            When he started winning primaries I thought there was a slight possibility he’d go all the way, but I didn’t think much of it since just about every Republican candidate in 2012 won a primary, only to drop out shortly thereafter. When he actually won the primary, I knew he’d win the election because he’d already done the inconceivable and won the primary.

            • Deeds

              Yup, this is when I figured he had a really good chance of winning the whole thing. I had people telling me that there was no way he would win just because he won the primary, and I wanted to believe them, but a part of me figured he could take it all the way, and he did.

            • Giantstepp

              Good point. I am not sure if I was in denial, or what. I honestly didn’t think he had a chance…even after he won the primaries which I thought he no chance to win lol.

          • The words I used with Trump were Puncher’s Chance. I didn’t think he would win, but I knew he had a decent chance, and Election Night was going to be long. Two things made me stand up and notice. One was that Hillary Clinton had trouble locking down demographics that should have been in the tank for her, like Black Women and college kids. That should have been a canary in the coal mine for those swing voters, but they didn’t get the memo. The other thing was that the high-quality models gave Trump between 20-35% of a chance even the day before the election. While he clearly wasn’t a favorite, people with those odds do win from time to time.

            • Giantstepp

              Bruh, I must’ve been in denial or bought into the media hype about the general election being different than primaries etc. As the polls closed and he was actually winning is when it set it that he could win. He did.

          • Looking4Treble

            Bruh, I’m with you. I still refuse to say the words President and Trump together.

            • Spicy Kas


            • otterbird

              Charlie Pierce refers to him as “President Asterisk,” (since he didn’t win the popular vote) which I find soothing.

              • Looking4Treble

                Thanks for that. That is now my official name for the person presently occupying the White House.

          • Stanley

            I’m with you 1000% percent. I didn’t think he would win until election day. And I remember sitting on a panel and feeling like something was off. Later that night, I found out what it was. The Damn Election. Still not over it.

          • ClaymoreParamore

            I went to sleep on election night and woke up around 3 in the morning, looked at my phone on my bedside table, and damn near thought I was in the twilight zone.

        • There is a lot of money in outrage. Not so much in figuring out why the Midwest flipped.

          • Hugh Akston

            We already know…it isn’t rocket science

            • Right now the only thing the Democrats seem to be doing in engaging in group primal scream therapy. They don’t know why they lost and don’t seem to have any plan for winning in 2018 or beyond.

              It is still early but when you lose states like Michigan and Pennsylvania and Wisconsin you’re doing something wrong. At some point no matter how distasteful it is to some there will have to be outreach to some of the “deplorable” voters who are reachable.

              • Hugh Akston

                Lol enough dems have talked written about why the lost

                The assumption is that those deplorable would have voted differently if it was someone else lol

                Some folks are just that…deplorable

                • The electorate hasn’t changed that much since 2010. The Democrats have been losing across the board (with the exception of Obama) since then.

                  It’s okay for bloggers and commenters and youtube personalities and so on to just take for granted that many voters are “deplorable”. But politicians can’t do that. If Democrats used to have the Senate and House and Presidency and state legislatures and governor’s seats, and they did, then it only makes sense to figure out how to convince voters to give them those again. Otherwise the Democrats will be out of power for a very long time.

                  • Hugh Akston

                    Le sigh O didn’t win by a big margin it was a close race after reviewing the numbers (I wasn’t here for that election so it’s hard to know what the atmosphere was like)…

                    I hope the repubs passed all of the laws that they want till their heart content…if I was a dem I would have been pushing other repubs to get on that boat of that last healthcare bill in the background

                    Just let them go for it…

      • PhlyyPhree

        Like Todd said, I was initially in that camp. I didn’t realize he was going to be 45 until about mid October and nobody believed me when I said it, but I had screenshots for posterity.

        • kingpinenut

          *evidence for the muthaphukkin wins*

      • Monica Harris

        Dang. But I really did not think he would win.

    • Alessandro De Medici

      I think people who didn’t think Trump could win, are generally people to repulsed by America to have an intricate and balanced view of what it’s all about. This isn’t an intellectual country. It’s not much of an orderly or ethical country. It’s not that much of a religious country. To be quite blunt, we are not that much of a serious country, when it comes to our politics, which is shaped by Hollywood. It’s a country that is by all measuring sticks, insane, and somehow manages to figure itself out of problems, which countries, who have a lot more going for them, never seem to be able to do.

      This is why Trump wasn’t surprising if you know this country from a distance, and why you know the country will somehow manage to get over Trump and the short-term damage he will inevitably do to the country, because, ironically, that’s all we’re truly good for, and exceptional at. Always flirting with disaster and chaos, and somehow managing to progress, despite all reason and common sense saying we should have burned to the ground. It is only an insane country that would vote for 8 years of Obama, and immediately aftewards, within the same generation, even after Obama was likeable, vote for Donald Trump.

      • PhlyyPhree

        If your first paragraph isn’t the most accurate summation of this country.

      • The fact that we aren’t ethical or orderly allows us to get out of jams much easier than other places. The fact that there isn’t much of an established order compared to other places means that there are much fewer in the way of sacred cows that need to be killed in order to fix things. I’m always amazed at how chaotic outsiders think the US is because I grew up here. That said, I also know that you can’t really transport that mindset outside of this country easily.

        • Wizznilliam

          Lets keep it real… The reason we are able to get out of things is that we have a 18 Trillion dollar GDP. We have huge sacred cows like drug laws and military spending, and school funding along with others that will (relatively speaking) never be killed.

      • I don’t know how I feel about your first paragraph. I think we are intellectual and orderly and even ethical- if the ethical premise that guides thoughts and actions are white supremacy.

        • malaentuvida


        • Wizznilliam

          White supremacy and/or money… Corporations run this country. And everyone knows it. Most are not even afraid to admit it anymore.

          • Money was built on slavery. So they both are the same thing.

            • Wizznilliam

              Yea except corporations don’t care about white people either. If they can get away with slavery of anybody they still will. See prison industrial complex and off shoring of every job that can be moved for slave wages. They don’t care anymore about the whitest town in Ohio or Flint, doesn’t matter. And there are plenty of Black house negros who have figured out how to play the current game too.

      • Yahmo Bethere

        people too repulsed by America to have an intricate and balanced view of what it’s all about.

        C/P for emphasis.

      • cedriclathan

        Not much of an argument from here.

      • D A

        Actually the USA reminds me of Yugoslavia in the 90s or the Hapsburg empire 100 years ago. It is composed of several countries rather than a unified entity and the current compromises are perhaps the best that can be negotiated. If there were different languages this country would have already balkanised.

        Ironically I also wonder if the racial tension because of the presence of black people isn’t the only lid on the ethnic tensions that would otherwise erupt among the various white groups that populate coasts, south, midwest, mountain regions etc.

        I don’t see politics being more than a bitter competition between them unless distracted by an external enemy like during the cold war.

    • Brown Rose

      Trump’s win pretty much craters any pretense on American Exceptionalism. America has been coasting on the WWII win and the happenstance of geography for decades.

      • “America has been coasting on the WWII win and the happenstance of geography for decades.”

        Louder and all caps please!!!!

        I keep telling people the only reason we could Ric Flair strut after August of 45 was that our cities were unscathed and it took the rest of the world 60 plus years to catch up.

        • Brown Rose

          Exactly. And they are surpassing Americans. But of course people here are too stupid to really see it for what it was. Absolute luck.

      • Yahmo Bethere

        Call it “win” and I’m down.

      • Question

        I disagree. I think Trump’s win kinda speaks to America’s exceptionalism because as someone else mentioned – we will get past this. What’s exceptional about America is its ability to rebound…

        • Brown Rose

          No. America has been declining for decades. That is the point.

          • Question

            “America has been declining for decades”.

            …So has the rest of the world. I’m not saying America is in the same position it was in, say 50 years ago. What I’m arguing is that America’s ability to bounce back from what everyone assumes is the “beginning of the end” is pretty exceptional. Granted, some of that ability to bounce back has a lot to do with geography (we aren’t physically decimated by wars) and topography (America benefits from some of the most varied territory within a single nation’s borders).

            And we’ll bounce back from Trump. How high that rebound is remains to be seen…

  • siante

    The Superman vs. Batman analogy was so on point. I remember stating (back when Trump’s name was being considered) that if he gets elected it will be like we’re living in Gotham. & now I’m watching something that I said “flippantly” unfold into a very scary reality.

  • BrothasKeeper

    Doomsday looked like a ninja turtle. And I would rather have seen Adam West’s Batman in this film.

    Trumplethinskin is dug in like a deer tick, I’m afraid. Prayerfully, Dems can flip Congress in 2018 and start impeachment proceedings, but I’m not holding my breath, because some of them are complicit.

  • theaythmonth

    And also, what if Comey testifies (and it’s a public hearing)?

    • kingpinenut

      If this were happening anywhere else on the globe – there would be a military coup…

      The united states of america is not in a good place at all ( not that it has ever been )

      History is your friend

      • theaythmonth

        Look at our history of slavery/Jim Crowe and Tell that to Barack Obama.

        I know that was an unfair comparison, I’m just trying to be optimistic. Lol.

        • kingpinenut

          look… some of us will make it after the following episode:

          1. Lil Kim presses The Button accidently while tryin on the latest heels.
          2. Putin will ride in shirtless on a siberean tigress slappin 5 buttons at the same time
          3. 45 will do comb over in conclusion…

          know ya neighbors and help ya neighbors

    • AKA The Sauce

      Something will go boom

      • theaythmonth

        That’s what I’m saying!

    • nillalatte

      He has already declined to testify before an Intelligence committee unless it is public. He’s not a dumb man for demanding that.

  • WOW

  • Ok mods are trash, free my comments

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