I’m Sorry To Disappoint Everyone, But Donald Trump Ain’t Getting Impeached Or Going To Prison » VSB

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I’m Sorry To Disappoint Everyone, But Donald Trump Ain’t Getting Impeached Or Going To Prison

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The only redeeming stretch in Batman v Superman — a movie so aggressively shitty that The Wife Person and I watch it each time its on just to find new shit to hate about it — comes directly after the single worst scene in the movie. Batman is about to kill the shit out of Superman, and Superman whispers “Save…Martha.” And Batffleck jumps back all surprised and pained and shit like “Why did you say that name which also happens to be my dead mother’s name too?” And Lois Save A Super Ho somehow emerges from Superman’s anus to blurt “That’s his mom’s name too!

After they clarify things and make brunch plans to patch things up, the movie finally decides to get interesting, as Batman goes and murders everyone in line at a Williamsburg Chipotle to save Superman’s mom, and Lex Zuckerburg decides to unleash Doomsday, which allows Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman to finally join forces. Lots of loud and violent and cool things happen next.

This stretch also produces my favorite line in the movie. After the government shoots a shitload of missiles at Doomsday’s grill, he consumes them, does this shock wave thing, pounds his chest, screams “MY BITCHES ARE BAD AND BOUJEE”, and then actually gets bigger and stronger. Upon seeing this, Harry Lennix’s token Black general sighs “That nigga’s unkillable.”

It is (probably) hyperbolic to also consider Donald Trump to be unkillable, since he’s (probably) not the Antichrist, and could (conceivably) die countless different ways. He might even already actually be dead, and the man we elected President could just be a hollowed-out marionette filled with Good & Plentys and controlled with fish wire by Vladimir Putin. This is (probably) not true, but it’s worth considering.

What is true, however, is that from the time Trump decided to run for President to the time he was actually elected, there were no less than a dozen different instances of Something Happening That Would Seem To Render Trump Unelectable. And each time it happened, we (collectively) exhaled and said “Whew, that was a close one” — effectively turning into The Guy In Every Friday The 13th Who Knocks Jason Down With A Frying Pain, Thinks He’s Dead, Turns His Back To Celebrate, And Gets Disemboweled With An Espresso Machine By A Totally Not Dead At All Jason.

You’d think we would have learned. Especially after the disemboweling thing. But in the three months that Trump has been President, we’re still playing the same game. Trump does or says something we think is going to get him impeached. Or arrested. Or just punched in the fucking face. And we put all of our eggs in the Trump Is Canceled party basket. We hold reservations, buy party favors, and even make after party plans. And then nothing happens. And then he does something again. And we’re like “Oh…this is for real this time. He can’t survive this.” And then he emerges stronger and more powerful, like his spray tan is a force field.

It’s understandable why we’d feel this way. Because this nigga was supposed to be unelectable. And he should be impeached and/or incarcerated. These are perfectly logical and predictable outcomes to his behavior. But what makes him unkillable is both the illogical support he still receives from his stans — still too blinded by racial anxiety and antagonism to see past their own fucking teeth — and the craven, spineless, and feckless fucking Republicans (and fucking Democrats) in D.C. He will remain in power as long as they remain intoxicated and terrified by it; hoping perhaps to suckle some power residue off of him, like a plover bird grasping at what’s between a gator’s teeth. And as long as they remain as bitch-ass as they’ve proven to be, Trump’s bitch ass aint going anywhere. The only way to kill him is to beat them, not him. Cause they aint going to let it happen.

Of course, I could be wrong. And I hope I am. After all, the seemingly unkillable Doomsday was actually killed. We just might have to sit through a few more hours of Superhero Telenovela to finally see it happen.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • MsCee

    I’m trying to take this seriously and post a thoughtful response…but I can’t stop laughing at the Batman V. Superman write up. Lmfao.

    • MissRosé

      Right!?! Only because I hated that scene he described and now I’m reliving it all over again, like Bruh, what just happened?

    • Other than Wonder Woman that was the most interesting thing I’ve read about that movie.

  • Cheech

    He’s on the Nixon path. There are still people who remember. It’ll take till the midterms at least. But it’ll happen.

    • orchid921

      I’ve been asking my in-laws a LOT of questions about Watergate lately. They’re telling me to be patient … while watching MSNBC like it’s GotG2.

      • Cheech

        When the actual Watergate hearings were on, they pizzed me off because they were on all 3 channels after school, and I couldn’t watch the Brady Bunch. I gained a greater appreciation later after reading All the President’s Men and The Final Days–both of which I highly recommend now.

        The number of parallels are downright silly. Down to this week’s news that at dessert, guests get one scoop of ice cream and Trump gets two. When he used to cruise the Potomac on the presidential yacht, Nixon’s guests were served mediocre wine, while a steward kept Nixon refreshed with Chateau Margaux from a bottle that the steeard wrapped in a towel to hide the label.

    • Janelle Doe

      But will his children go with him into obscurity or do we have a Kennedy situation to worry about?

      • Cheech

        I have to believe that if Trump us forced out, they either insta-quit or are forced out too. A new president would fure them in a heartbeat. Most likely, they leave in exchange for immunity or pardon in a negotiated deal.

  • MsCee

    “He might even already actually be dead, and the man we elected President could just be a hollowed-out marionette filled with Good & Plentys and controlled with fish wire by Vladimir Putin.” Well according to YouTube it’s totally possible that he’s a Reptilian posing as a human.

    • BrothasKeeper


  • I disagree. He won’t be impeached before the 2018 mid terms, but it’ll happen. They need him and the lowly class of people who still support him even though their livelihood is telling them to run the other way. Any other way. Like, go that way! If the GOP gets rid of him before 2018, they’ll have to answer to the not so quiet redneck racist and “women will cause the world to burn” groupies.

    With all that’s happening to shift the previous of Barack Obama voters to 45 voters will bring them back to the D. The “the lesser of two evils crowd” who didn’t vote, realizes that #AllVotesMatter. So keeping the staunch Rep/GOP/Trump voters is key….until 2018. After that, they’ll have two years to pitch Pence as the returning Mecca to the party.

  • cyanic

    It wasn’t intuition that prevented me from seeing Superman vs Batman. Current Hollywood has an inability to produce commercial fare satisfactory to my most basic standards. When I heard it was Garbage Pail Kids the movie bad — I feel so good about myself from not having seen it nor any interest in this current comic book obsessed culture.

    Trump will get away with it just as Bush II did. End of story.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    If it helps I’m not surprised, because if wyte people wanted him gone he would have never made it to January 20th. At this point I’m making sure me and my people can survive and see the other side. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7adc1499afbcbb0a0c13fdd29ed51a5b42a6b62868b7f1847d278fb621ff0cc9.gif

    • Tenderoni

      Off topic what did Chance do? People were angry at him this weekend on my tl

      • MissRosé

        He mistakenly (he acknowledged this in a tweet) liked a comment that said “Yuck” under a picture of plus size women modeling something topless.

        • Tenderoni

          Oh that’s unfortunate.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        He accidentally liked a comment on ig about a ad for fashion nova curve (the one with the topless plus sized models making him puke. A plus sized blogger with a large platform tweeted it out with disappointment and he apologized.

  • Trump go down eventually. The “Now I do what I want” routine is going to irk the wrong groups.

    I worry about others inspired by his behavior like Spenser. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/06/his-kampf/524505/

    • MsCee

      ***Does the running man to “Now I do what I want.”*** That’s my daughters jam.

    • PhlyyPhree

      At this point, it’s not even about him, but about the replicates he’s spawning. For all the talk of “well at least the masks are off”, yes but that is not always the BEST thing.

      • It’s not a good thing at all.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Knowing who your enemy is, and where he is, means little if you’re not in a position to do something.

        That’s the frustrating part. You know what’s gonna come and can’t do nothing to stop it.

        • PhlyyPhree

          Knowing who doesn’t like me does nothing except increase my anxiety if I can’t avoid them.

        • Uncle Remus

          Go back and read Brer Rabbit. Planned, organized retreat in the face of overwhelming attack until one finds a position of strength. Then suffocate them. And laugh.

        • Brother Mouzone

          That’s what I think when I hear people say they prefer southern racism. Okay, it’s in your face, now what?

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            The choices are obvious to me

            1) engage
            2) escape
            3) fight

            But most choose option 4,

            Pretend, out of self preservation

            • Brother Mouzone

              Yep…that’s pretty much it, regardless of the form it comes in.

  • Alessandro De Medici

    I’ve never been convinced that Trump would go to jail, I could def see a lot of his people going to jail, starting with Mike Flynn, Manafort etc, to the point that it would damage his brand so much that his businesses would suffer and he wouldn’t be able to get anything done, way worse than when he first started.

    But for him to go to jail, I think requires their to be evidence that he directly sent out orders or he signed off on certain things, and I’ve still yet, to see any evidence of that. Fingers crossed though.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Who can put him in cuffs?

      • Alessandro De Medici

        You know a whole bunch of IC people would gladly switch careers just to do the job.

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          He’s been delegitimizing them from the beginning. CIA first, FBI next.

          All the while, looking like he could take advantage of the surveillance state started by Bush and furthered by Obama.

    • Cheech

      He’d be impeached first, and whoever’s next would pardon him in a heartbeat, like Nixon. He won’t go to prison.

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    He was impolite.
    He was politically incorrect
    He violated cultural norms
    He breached ethical concerns
    He broke protocol
    Some folks believe he’s broken the law.
    He may have committed impeachable offenses

    But he told folks during the campaign

    Trump: I could ‘shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters’

    • Alessandro De Medici

      Politics has been replaced with trolling. He who trolls most, wins.

      Trump basically won the Republican party and the presidency because he was a better troll.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Why/how did alt right dude and Milo get tossed? Cause we need to figure out that bar.

        For Trump need to be a molester?

        • PhlyyPhree

          I think it was a homophobic molester. Has to be both.

          • Spicy Kas

            Pedophile is the key

            • PhlyyPhree

              True. But I don’t think that would stop him either.

              • Spicy Kas

                I have no idea what would stop him to be honest.

          • miss em

            I think you mean homosexual. Because homophobia is the party line over there. The saying is get caught with a dead girl or a live boy and your political career is over.

        • Alessandro De Medici

          I think he’s already making a comeback, last I checked.

        • Mary Burrell

          I guess it was just rumors but it’s out there that he is a molester.

          • Spicy Kas

            He supported pedophilia under particular circumstances.

    • That man didn’t lie. At some point, people who don’t F with Trump are actually going to believe what he says. The sad part is a lot of them won’t because their egos are more important than the bigger picture.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Anti the anti Trump people. I frequent a few places of more mixed sentiment, and the Right just loves to make the The Sane mad. The 4 Chan model of politics

        • Can’t knock the hustle though. It’s clearly working.

    • Nametaken

      I feel like those 1st 3 were actually selling points to a lot of people…

      • #facts People need to re-read the history of America between Reconstruction and WWI. You can make a LOT of hay by violating Coastal cultural norms.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        They were.

        Them folks are the kings of

        “Cutting my nose off to spite my face.”

        They live for liberal tears.

        The first ones to laugh at global warming, and also the first ones to die of cancer because they got rid of those pesky job killing regulations.

        • A lot of American politics has devolved into pissing groups off that you don’t like, above and beyond how it would help you.

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            It has to end somewhere …right?

            • Well, it could end in Civil War 2.

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                Will that be fought in cyberspace?

    • Looking4Treble

      “Trump: I could ‘shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters'”

      I guess the only way to really get rid of this fool is to call his bluff? But considering that he is swiftly becoming the new ‘Teflon Don’, maybe even that would not work. I think firing Comey rises to the level of an impeachable offense. I’m also afraid that Damon is right.

      Now I’m watching out for homicidal Trumplogytes wielding expresso machines. Thanks, Damon.

    • gellie

      67% of whites voted for this man. Think about that for minute. 2 out of every 3 white people in this country that voted, voted for THIS man. That’s not even a simple majority, that’s a SUPER majority. So when I see the national outrage every time Cheetoh says or does something outrageous (pretty much everyday), I sit back and think…these white folks are trolling us. Just like that Women’s March nonsense. All these white women in the streets right after the election when Cheetoh won the white woman vote and every demographic within the white woman vote, INCLUDING college-educated white women.

      • Logitex

        67% of white Americans didn’t vote for him. 58% of white voters did. Most people didn’t vote. His supporters were excited to vote. The majority of whites with a college degree didn’t vote for him.

        I agree they’re trolling though. They just want to see the whole thing burn down. The people who are outraged now are the ones that didn’t realize they needed to actually vote to stop him. That’s a solid 100 million voters.

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    Yeah I don’t think so either. This country is shot to h e ll in the area of morality by and large. Most of them in congress are corrupt. He’s gone left way too many times already unchecked. Nobody sees anything wrong with his behavior, that or they do but would rather have him and his klan in the majority.

    The scale of justice will catch him on the back end since the folks hired to keep checks and balances won’t.

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