Lists

i’m going to ask you to leave

***as a service brought to you by verysmartbrothas.com, the brothas have decided to list their “unique” deal-breakers when it comes to the opposite sex, and would like for you all to do the same. note, these aren’t you garden variety “i can’t stand women with bad hygiene and goatees” types of pet-peeves that basically everyone shares, but quirky shit thats unique to you***

panama’s list

1. Women who only listen to one genre of music – If you’re entire catalog consists of “neo-soul”, Cash Money Records, or smooth jazz a la Kenny G, well you can count me out like New Edition. And while you’re counting, go on ahead and light yourself on fire.

2. To piggyback on the first one, women who only have 10 CD’s period - You clearly don’t care about music which means you have no soul. And if you have no soul that makes you Elvis. And I do not like Elvis. So….first, open up the medicine cabinet. Next, open the Ibuprofen. Then, OD on pills and finally, die smurf die.

3. Women who think fine reading includes Zane or Eric Jerome Dickey – Yeah, so…no.

4. For that matter, women who don’t own books – Unintentional ignorance is as much an STD as HIV. Much like that phat badunkudonk you’re carrying around, I’ll assume your lack of intellectual prowess came from your mama because daddy didn’t hit it right. Basically, I want nothing to do with you or your tainted ignorant smurfin’ gene pool.

5. Women who think Love Jones is the best Black movie ever – Mostly because it isn’t.

the champ’s list

1. smokers

(I tried dating a couple smokers before, but even going down on them has a bit of a cigarettey residue. it almost makes you wish that you were at a restaurant, so you could get a refund… )

“ummm, excuse me waiter, but I didn’t order this ashy-ass smoked saltfish. please send it back immediately”

2. women who don’t appreciate the value of a good comedy. i honestly feel that it’s a sign of a serious emotional defect if you ask someone to name their 15 favorite movies, and the list is comedy-less. for whatever reason, these types of women also usually have excessively hairy feet. i dont know what any of this means.

3. women who make annoying food choices (ie, eating pancakes without syrup)

4. women who (even in passing) mention an attraction to someone who I’ve deemed “unredeemable” in my head. (ie. jones, jim or owens, terrell)

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

    Alright, here we go…
    1. Women who are name-droppers. It’s nothing worse than riding in a car with a chick and she has a personal story to tell about every damn artist whose song comes on. BUT, she swears she’s not a groupie…yeah, ok.

    2. Women who think they are more attractive than what they really are. Pretty much they’re either delusional or in denial. Whatever the case, it’s a turn off.

    3. Women who expect to be treated like a “queen” when they don’t treat their dude like a “king”. I don’t have a problem with laying out the red carpet treatment for someone I’m involved with as long as they reciprocate.

    4. Women who associate with too many negative girlfriends. Sometimes the evilness bares its ugly head and creeps into our relationship. Time to leave after that.

    5. Women who have nasty mothers. Like mother, like daughter.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

    1. Women who don’t know what a word like “persuasive” or “ravenous”, and then defend the fact they don’t know these high school words.

    2. Monk had it right with women who want to be queen’s and don’t treat us like kings. Its give and take …

    3. Women who won’t try new food. I don’t know, but I can’t stand a girl who always orders the same thing. Scared of new food … scared of life!

  • D*stroy

    HAAA Panama, #3 is the killer! Please ladies…don’t read Eric Jerome Dickey and them! If I meet one more woman who says she enjoys reading and then exclaims that she loves “True to the Game”…(in the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G) “Somebody’s got to die!”

    Monk, well put! For my first point I’d like to expand on your fifth point about mothers:

    1. …Women with mothers who were beautiful (or looked just like their daughter when they were young) and are now old wretched hags. In short, mothers can be windows to the future.

    2. Women who say “Ooh, I love Jazz!” When asked who their favorite artists are, they inevitably cite only Kenny G and complete the statement with “I don’t really know any of their names.” hmmmm…

    3. Women who can’t kiss but think that they are raising the kissing bar. I once kissed a girl who was “tongue-tied.” Meaning the cartilage (or whatever it is) that is attached to the bottom of the tongue extended too far; rendering her tongue useless. She couldn’t extend her tongue past her teeth. To her credit…she kissed with such passion ,but unfortunately, the experience was empty ’cause she had a midget-tongue.

    4. No women with midget-tongues! (unless she really is a midget, in which case, I guess it’s cool.)

    that’s all I got for now..

  • Panama

    Out of respect for time and posting I didn’t include some of my other pet-peeves…so I shall randomly pepper them throughout the day…

    6. Non-AKAs who wear pink and green – because it really isn’t a good combination. if you don’t know better then you have no place in my life.

    7. grown ass women who wear clothes with words on the ass – because you will wonder why i’m staring at your ass and my response of “i’ve been trying to read more” will offend you…you should just damn know better anyway. plus, you might ALSO think its okay to put asswords on your young daughter and any women who thinks that’s okay isn’t fit to be a woman i even speak to.

    • calina

      AKA or not…pink and green is a no-no…Those are colors of gum..
      asswords..hahahahahah…come’on Panama…you don’t like the 10 year olds walking around with juicy on their jail bait asses!?!?!??!
      silly tricks, asswords are for whores!

  • jess

    1) men who swear they have no insecurities, but do everything they can to make sure they never get one upped… by anybody

    2) men who wear new balances

    3) men with unkept facial hair.. facial hair in general tends to turn me off

    4) men who cannot understand the importance of the color and pattern of their ties

    5) men with pointy shoes

    6) men who love their mothers too much

    7) men who hate their mothers

    8) men who rely on books like The Game and Players Handbook to dictate their dating dos and donts

    9) men who will do anything for the pussy

    10) men who dont draw their own lines because they’re so afraid to be alone

    11) men who fall in love within the first month.

    I think theres more but … that’s already too much.

    • calina

      wow..this is very specific
      My list goes something like this
      1. Black men that gave up on Black women…cowards!
      2. Men who do not thoroughly wash and dry all places that grow hair.
      3. Men who do not take care of their teeth.
      4. Indecisive men…somebody needs to pick where we are going to eat..and it damn sure isn’t going to be my flaky ass.
      5. Men who are looking for a “lady” Fuck a “lady”…hey I got to burp sometimes and I curse a lot so grow some balls and deal with it…
      6. Metro sexual men…why don’t you go bang a dude and get out the closet…I need the space to hang my collection of strap-ons, asshole….

  • Panama

    Wow Jess, you just singlehandedly eliminated an entire region of the country with #2.

    New Balances are the official shoe of the DC Metro area.

  • The Queen

    1. A man that can’t kiss me right…a bad kiss can make me want to hurl every time I see your face. This one has sent a many a fine man packing. Yuck.
    2. A man that won’t dispose of bugs, small rodents, etc. that have violated my personal space. It’s important to me.
    3. A man that tries to be prettier than me. I would like to be the pretty one in all my relationships.
    4. Men that wear Wallys…I hate those shoes.
    5. Men that regularly wear mandals (sandals for men that have straps and buckles and aren’t living near the beach. I mean really…
    6. Arrogant men…there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Tread lightly.

  • Panama

    8. women with neck tattoes – because you don’t believe in gainful employment. you are useless to me and should be slapped with a bamboo rod and some lightly gingered waffles.

    9. women who still dress like 5 year olds that dress themselves – the whole creatively disheveled look is terrible. stop it.

    • calina

      I think I love you dear Panama…what if you want to be spanked with a bamboo rod and some lightly gingered waffles yet do not sport a neck tat…then what????
      I agree with all you said ESPECIALLY the “Love Jones” and No comedy in the top 15 list…that is horrible…Comedy is everything people!!!

  • D*stroy

    Queen, with all due respect, #2 is a bit problematic for me…I am hoping/sure that you don’t fall into this category and that you were just speaking hypothetically but this issue raises a new point for me…

    4.(cont’d) Women who live with rodents and expect a man to dispose of them. The problem in that scenario does not exist with the man that won’t dispose of a “bugs, small rodents etc”…it starts with the woman who lives in such a way that would promote infestation. If cleanliness is next to Godliness than Nastiness is next to devilry!

  • The Queen

    Ok D*stroy…back up please…who said anything about promoting infestation?
    No one wants a nasty chick. Because I can understand how this would raise a heck of a concern, let me clear go ahead and clear this up…

    First, let’s refer back to the fact that I said ” bugs, small rodents, etc. that have violated my personal space.” That doesn’t mean they have to be in my house…that means wherever I am. I just don’t like them or want to deal with them. If I’m out in the street and a rat appears, I need you to make me feel safe and get rid of it or get me away from it.

    Sigh…I am a very clean woman. However, let’s be real…bugs, spiders, crickets and things get inside from time to time. I’m not talking about roaches…I don’t have those. I’ve had birds come down my chimney. It is winter and it can happen. I happen to live in a basement, but generally if you live in a city apartment and your neighbor has mice, chances are you might see one.