I’m An Adult and I Hate Sharing. Bite Me. » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

I’m An Adult and I Hate Sharing. Bite Me.

Let’s just cut to the chase. I hate sharing. Yes, everything I needed to learn in life I absolutely learned in kindergarten. And yes, sharing was at the top of that list.

Despite this lifelong lesson, I still hate sharing. But I probably need to put that in context and add some caveats. See, I don’t hate sharing everything. I hate sharing certain things.

You know, the kind of one-way sharing that happens in relationships by women. As in, I hate sharing my clothes. And I hate sharing my food at dinner. And things you don’t want until you see me with it.

I can hear you looking at me with the side-eye. Bite me, b.

I absolutely HATE it when I’m looking for a certain pair of socks and they’re nowhere to be found. Or even worse, ONE DAMN SOCK of the pair is chillin’ in the drawer, causing me to think that the dryer ate my socks again for the zillionth time ONLY for the woman in my life to walk into the front door, take off her boots and expose a mismatched pair of socks she neither purchased nor had the decency to keep together.

Who the hell mismatches socks, anyway? Like why? What evil lives in a heart for that to be something you just do? It’s like slavery all over again; breaking up families for no reason other than to get one’s rocks off. I don’t understand it.

For one, why are you going in my sock drawer for socks in the first place? You have socks. For b, why are you putting on mismatched socks that don’t even belong to you? Michael Jackson (RIP) would tell you to tell me that its human nature. Michael Jackson (RIP) can kiss my ass.

But that cuts to the point. My socks are missing and what if they’re the socks I really wanted to wear that day. There is a wanton disregard for my socks and what they mean to me. Let’s keep it all the way funky: no woman ever TELLS a man she’s taking his stuff. She thinks that she’s doing him a service by wanting to wear his clothing. It’s like boo privilege or something. Wife-beaters are another casualty of this Clothing Civil War. Woman takes a shower and just ruffles through a drawer and grabs a wife-beater, even if it’s the last one. Savages, the whole lot of you, who take the last wife-beater.

If you ask a woman why she does this, she says because #bae’s clothes are so comfy and she likes how they smell and likes feeling close to him.

Cry me a river.

Well, what about me? What if I like how my clothes smell and I like being comfortable in my own clothes? I like being close to me. Who will cry for the little boy, fam? Who?

And don’t even get me started on my food.

Let’s get started on my food.

I absolutely HATE sharing my food. I do. I’m petty. I will stab your hand. I will make faces at you and offend you with my pupils. You will say to me, “sheesh, it’s not even that big a deal, I just wanted a bite.” We will be pissy towards one another for the rest of the night and I will not care.

See, it is a big deal. I wanted that bite that you want. Do you know how I know? I ordered that bite and all of its siblings. You ordered that shit on your plate that you aren’t going to finish. That’s your fault.

“I just want a taste.”

You are a terrorist. You didn’t want what I ordered or you would have ordered it. You only want it because it’s mine and you think that I should want to share what I have with you as some symbol of my caring. If that’s what tells you I care, then I don’t care. At all. Ever. That last bite of my food might be the one that satisfies my hunger. Meanwhile, you’re not even eating half of the three random dishes you ordered that looked cute on the menu.

I hate sharing.

What makes it even more fucked up is that there’s zero way to return the favor. If you come home and find me wearing your panties because they make me comfortable, there’s a chance we will have reached the end of our dalliance. If I’m wearing (and able to fit into) your jeans, you’re going to wonder all types of things…about the both of us. You have no clothing item that it would make any sense for me to borrow just because I want to feel comfortable. But my clothes are all up for grabs. From gym shorts to t-shirts to socks to pajamas to dress shirts to ties to whatever tickles thine fancy on any particular day.

And I don’t want your food. Do I ever ask for a bite of your shit? No. Follow the leader. Take notes. Let me be your role model.

You smart.

So stop taking my stuff that I don’t want you to take. I do not like green eggs and ham and I do not like sharing.

Signed, Adult.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Co-sign women’s terrorism.

    • QuirlyGirly

      BOOO!! HISSS!!!

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    *Retreats to man cave in house I bought but no longer seem to own*

    • panamajackson

      RIP to the house you bought but no longer seem to own.

  • Bushido Brown

    This make feel better about myself I thought I was just being selfish lol

    • QuirlyGirly

      No-you selfish- sharing brings us closer as humans #sharingiscaring

      • TeeChantel

        For real…

    • PDL – Cape Girl

      No, you are perfectly normal. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine…..is mine

      • panamajackson

        I realize that women feel this way, jokingly…but for real, and it is literally one of the things that truly irritates me MOST about relationships.

        • PDL – Cape Girl

          I know, and it ain’t always right. You love her though. That makes it all better. Plus Father’s Day and birthdays are always a blast.

        • Bushido Brown

          I feel the same I get irritated badly in those situations

  • Jocelyn

    Terrorists and savages?! HAHAHAHA! Only you could present two very serious words along with that sad poem from Antoine Fisher and make me cackle.

    • panamajackson

      You’re welcome.

  • KingsCounty

    And can we get a moment of silence for all the hoodies lost in the battle…
    You never have to worry about me eating your dry Kashi crackers that taste like cardboard. NEVER!
    I’ve started to just set aside a portion of my meal just for the terrorist. Call it state property or #BaeTax. Just know they coming for that 10%.

    • panamajackson

      Women LOVE jacking you for your hoodies. It’s amazing they spend so much on clothes when they’re the new owners of half of our stuff.

    • #flatline at #Baetax Sorry, insert Kanye Shrug here

    • KMN

      you don’t even need to be bae to snag a hoodie…my male BFFs know…I’m copping that…I don’t care if your girl like it or not…we family…gimme the hoodie lol

      • panamajackson

        you are the type to get dudes in trouble. lol. the type to jump in the passenger seat and have the GF fuming as she is forced to sit in the back seat.

        • KMN

          not really because I’m friends with ALL the gfriends…im like look I DO NOT WANT YOUR MAN he’s my brother (being an only child…I take that family ish SERIOUSLY) and we end up exchanging #s…shoot I’m still cool with my one guy ex gf…

          And the guys LET them know that I’m family too…I’m like a sister…you gotta get thru me if you hurt my fam…

      • Nick Peters

        Down vote

  • Aly

    Eh, you’ll be ok. Besides, his socks are warmer than mine. I might get around to buying some of my own, but probably not.

    • panamajackson

      How you gon’ tell me I’m gon’ be okay then in the next sentences prove my point.

      • Aly

        *shrug*

        • camilleblu

          lol

          • Aly

            I mean, I’m just really unbothered by this whole thing. And will continue to steal socks.

      • They don’t care P… they don’t care. Ain’t nothin’ sacred so we charge it to the game. This is how bad credit happens

        • panamajackson

          I can’t charge it to the game. It annoys me too much.

          Women are always like, “hey, don’t do that thing I hate, b/c I don’t like it” and you should oblige.

          If you tell a woman you don’t want her to take your stuff cuz you don’t like, it gets wholesale ignored.

          DOUBLE STANDARDS are not just two Sinatra songs sung back to back.

          • JamesInstagram

            Shout out to #SinatraCentenary

        • Aly
          • The shrimps on your plate are no longer safe!

  • QuirlyGirly

    I have a friend- he is a guy- and he hates to share too, especially food. Don’t ask for a nibble, a bite, sniff or a lick of his food. He says- he will just buy your your own. #selfishasamug

    • panamajackson

      How is that selfish. He really wants that food he got…for himself.

      • QuirlyGirly

        because sometimes we just want a taste-not the whole thing AND women share a lot with guys

        • Like??

          • QuirlyGirly

            Lotions, hair products, clean towels, love and affection-lol

            • panamajackson

              The crack you’re smoking right now is that Nino Brown. I have never ONCE used any of my women’s lotions or hair products. And I have washer and dryer, I’ve got clean towels. Heck, I like doing laundry. And love and affection goes both ways.

              Survey saysssssssssssss…No.

              • TeeChantel

                YOU haven’t, but there are men out there who love to use their woman’s lotion. It’s true.

                • Oluseyi

                  Women stay teaching me ways to take better care of my skin and hair. And after they share that wisdom/knowledge, and I subsequently buy my own, her taking one leg of my athletic socks (because you know she ain’t taking your dress socks) is more than fair, IMO.

                  »shrug«

                  • panamajackson

                    You just giving them the game, out here I see. How we gon’ get change if you out here saying, its okay to take one of my socks. This does not help.

                    • Oluseyi

                      Athletic socks, tho. They cost, like, $2 per dozen?

                      “Touch not my dress socks, and do my argyle pattern socks no harm!”

                    • panamajackson

                      where do you shop? I wish I bought a dozen socks for $2. I get those good strong Hanes joints. It’s like $12 for a pack of 6! And I only wear black socks or ones with designs. Which makes it worse. How you gon jack HALF of a specifically designed pair of socks.

                    • Oluseyi

                      When I played ball on the regular, I bought athletic/tube socks in bulk. BJ’s, Costco, Walmart—whoever had a membership.

                      Now that I stunt, my socks run like $22 per sock. LOL.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I’m Sigma_Since93 and I approve this message. The Gold Toes are off limits

                    • Keep yo’ athletic socks. It’s the dress socks I like. They’re perfect for boot-wearing.

                    • Oluseyi

                      HOW? They’re so sheer!

                    • There’s a method, OK lol. Men’s dress socks are taller, which is what I need to put on over the leg of my jeans so they don’t scrunch up when I pull on my knee-high or over-the-knee boots.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Noap! I’m not smelling like some floral / fruity Bath and Body Works and / or Victoria’s Secret scent. I like my lotion unscented so there’s no clash between the scent of the lotion and my cologne / aftershave

                  • Oluseyi

                    Ex girls put me onto coconut oil, jojoba oil (ok, maybe that was that stripper in Montreal), and shea butter replacing lotion (tag team with Moms). No floral smells.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I need to look into those but I will have my stash and Mrs. SS93 can keep her legions of matching lotions, spritzers, and scented glitter.

                  • TeeChantel

                    Not all women use “floral / fruity Bath and Body Works and / or Victoria’s Secret scent” lotion though. Stuff like that comes out for special occasions – not everyday wear. On most days, just give me some cocoa butter and I’m good.

                    • Coconut oil for the win.

                    • Pinks

                      Renew by the Melaluca brand is awesome also

                    • QuirlyGirly

                      Melaluca has some good products.

                      Even there household stuff is good

                    • TeeChantel

                      Hmm never heard of it, but I love a good lotion. I’ll have to try it. Thanks for the recommendation.

                    • My skin is way too sensitive to put all that alcohol and fragrance on it. I stick to Nivea (blue bottle) and plain old vaseline to seal in the moisture.

                • panamajackson

                  My skin is flawless. Women be trying to use my skin care products…til they find out its soap and Vaseline lotion. *flips hair*

                  • TeeChantel

                    Vaseline lotion is amazing. I’ll have to agree with you there.

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    *flips hair*

                    Time of death 11:39 am

                  • 2011k

                    Ok Peej ???

                  • -h.h.h.-

                    *flips hair*

                    But You…you’re b….

                    you know what i’m not even gonna followup on that query.

                    #HairClubForMen #NotJustThePresidentButAClient

                    • He meant his facial hair. lol

                    • panamajackson

                      A man can dream, can’t he?

              • Pinks

                My old boo in high school used to use Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion from Bath and Body for his hands only. YOU might not do it, but there are a lot of brothers using their woman’s products.

                I STAY having to tell this fool to replenish my coconut oil.

                • Reemo

                  I used use cucumber melon lotion exclusively in high school. Then I became an adult and realized it’s probably not okay for me as a grown man to smell like cucumber melon.

                  • Pinks

                    Dang. Even EYE didn’t use Cucumber Melon lol..

                    As a grown man, that scent might be a bit much. The WVS was so unexpected, the first time he touched my face I was like yummmmm..and it was over after that lol. Today I prefer stronger scents of manliness, but nothing like a good ole fresh smell of soap and laundry detergent

                  • panamajackson

                    I remember once in college, I grabbed some shampoo in the shower that I guess belonged to my sister and was walking aroudn smelling like Cam’ron’s pink fur coat all day. It was not a good look for my self-esteem.

                    Keep in mind, I went to Morehouse. The jokes just wrote themselves and my boys are brutal.

                  • PDL – Cape Girl

                    LOL. Glad you realized that. I was knocking Bath & Bodyworks over trying to stay replinished with cucumber melon everything. I was much younger then.

                  • TeeChantel

                    It’s not okay for any grown person to smell like cucumber melon.

                • Bushido Brown

                  I used my girl lotion at one point until we had talk about getting my own.

                  • panamajackson

                    Y’all really aren’t helping the cause here. Al Bundy would be disappointed. NO M.A.A.M.

                    • QuirlyGirly

                      Bwhahaha- See! Dudes will take their women’s stuff in a min. Then when it is gone look like-buy some more

                  • -h.h.h.-

                    most emphatic downvote in vsb history

                    • Bushido Brown

                      I own my shame

                • TeeChantel

                  Yep.

              • I’ve DEFINITELY shared my grooming products with men. Shampoo, Conditioner, Lotion, Soap…Body oils…alll dat

              • QuirlyGirly

                My last BF stayed taking my stuff. I brought him him own and he still took mine.

            • I’ve used Moneypenny’s natural hair products in my beard before but I really don’t use her lotion. I can’t walk around smelling like a Drake song.

              • Oluseyi

                ??? @ “smelling like a Drake song”!

              • DAMMIT! Not a Drake song.

              • miss t-lee

                Good night Wu…lol

              • QuirlyGirly

                I can’t walk around smelling like a Drake song

                LOL!!- I have no words for this. Thanks for coming out- God Bless, Good Night

              • Me

                “I can’t walk around smelling like a Drake song.”

                Growing up, this is how I used to know when my brother was boo’d up even though he only ever brought his now wife home.

  • Pinks

    His socks feel better than mine. He takes my silk head scarves for his dreads. Fair trade.

    • panamajackson

      That is a fair, if not interesting, trade. But the key word there is: trade. There’s rarely a trade.

      • Pinks

        LOL. We might share/trade a bit more than the average couple. It’s all fair game in our crib.

        UNLESS I specifically bought an item of food I wanted and made it known it was only for me. In a house full of greedy Y-chromosomers, it’s survival of the fittest.

  • TeeChantel

    Meh, there’s nothing like wearing a man’s tee-shirt to bed, complete with his scent and smell all over it.
    Tough luck, bruh.

    • panamajackson

      Awww phooey.

  • panamajackson

    Not one woman ever will acknowledge that its jacked up. They all view it as the price of doing business. Meanwhile, I’m missing socks.

    • MissusMaxwell

      I’m dying laughing because I’m heading out after work for an overnight trip & I have not one, but TWO pair of my husband’s socks in my bag. And I give not one eff about it. He simply buys more socks and I snatch a pair or two here & there. We share errr’thang else so why not socks? I’m with you on food tho. If I offer you a bite when the food first arrives, that’s because that’s the only bite I’mma offer. Ain’t no seconds.

      • panamajackson

        A brotha just wants his socks to match. That’s all.

        • MissusMaxwell

          Well, I do take actual pairs, not just one. See? That’s considerate!

    • Keisha

      LOL…I know how I am about my stuff, so I agree with you. I once bought a pack of wife beaters and boxers to keep at a guy’s place in college. It made life so much easier. You gotta pick your battles…

    • Maaaaaaaaaan, you ain’t never lied. I hate sharing food and drink with anybody. Not even my own kid because backwash, germs and other people’s breath… OMG!

      • KMN

        “Not even my own kid because backwash, germs and other people’s breath”

        Edited to add…I wish I could upvote you several times for this comment here lol

      • Yea, my little cousins pull that mess on me and I just let them keep it.

        • Which is why I don’t give it… I will buy your little begging ayus one.. UUUUUGH! lol

          • Kids are so annoying! Then they have the nerve to take 2 bites and decide they don’t even really want to eat it!!!!!

            I just wanna punch them in the chest.

            • KMN

              iDied!!!
              lmaoooo

              • I probably won’t ever have kids for this reason alone. My mother stays doing this s h i t too. We’ll go out to eat and she’ll take forever ordering her food, stare down everyone’s food once it hits the table, then go around each plate picking off things she wants to sample.

                This is probably why I can’t stand for other people to do this.

                • JamesInstagram

                  I essentially grew up an only child, and got used my my own plate. Then when I’m around my cousins, who are siblings. are so accustomed to sharing food. Nothing big, just little bites to sample. We’re all adults now, and we still do it. But I’m like, “This is MY food!”

            • Hahahahahahahah

              Just like this..

              http://i.imgur.com/IiGyndj.gif

              • This gif is therapeutic.

              • QuirlyGirly

                This is wrong- but I am still laughing.

              • JamesInstagram

                The Internet: The only place to punch a child for a good reason.

            • Pinks

              my life. But we make him eat that ish though, because thugs.

      • Question

        Plus, I ordered what I wanted. 90% of the time, I order “better” than my husband, he knows this, which is why when we get menus the first thing out of his mouth is “so what’cha thinking?”.

        Yea, fool, I see you!

      • cakes_and_pies
        • Man, I really like B&STV! This is one of my favorite series of theirs and I’m like, When HBO gon do some casting and writing and make thing a cable reality?

          • cakes_and_pies

            I’m waiting for the RoomieLoverFriend movie!

            • I keep wondering if that’s going to happen. Andra Fuller is on his grind, signing on for this project and that. It looks like he’s about to do some new show filming in the A, too.

          • JamesInstagram

            NY Times is gonna need to write a hit piece (like they did for Issa Rae) to get the folks at HBO gathered.
            http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/09/magazine/the-misadventures-of-issa-rae.html?_r=0

            • Something. Because this is ridiculous.

    • Pinks

      You will deal.

    • Are we married to the same woman? I complain every week about all of those points. Why are you wearing my socks? “Oh, I didn’t know, I just grabbed some.” I wear a men’s 14, you wear a size 7 in women’s. Did you not know they weren’t yours when you pulled them up and they were at your thigh?

    • cakes_and_pies

      Y’all get paid more and pay less for clothes and dry cleaning. So gimme dat shrimp.

      • DG

        “Pay less for clothes and dry cleaning”

        In what world is this true?? Women’s clothing is generally less expensive than men’s stuff (and don’t even get me started on shoes).

    • Choccie

      Socks? No!

      Everything else…? It is, what it is.

    • pls

      that’s because while we just want ONE bite, or sip, or sock, many a negro is out here tryna destroy souls of all the women they meet or manipulating good women into settling for their mediocre a s s e s. Even the good ones take advantage of their good women. It balances out.

      And I used to buy my own men’s wife beaters and drawers to sleep in. guess who sneakily has them all, now -_-

    • Erica Nicole Griffin

      I took a pair of hubby’s socks this morning. Decided they didn’t work with my shoes. Put on my own pair, and different pair of shoes. At the time of this writing I recall that I left his socks on my bathroom counter. If he were to look for those exact socks, he would not find them. He is completely unaware of this whole situation because it occurred while he lay slumbering, like an innocent lamb. I want to, but I don’t care. But I want to. But I don’t.

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