Comments on: I’ll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of the Daddy Issues

By: Alyson R.

Alyson R. — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 12:28:22 +0000

I’m so glad you shared these thoughts. God made it possible where it takes two people to create a child……..no mistake. I know many women are doing the best they can to raise their children alone but that super-woman attitude of “I don’t need a man” are leaving our little boys and girls to struggle with issues in live. I wrote the book (Where’s Daddy) on amazon for women to begin the process of examining their choices in relationships and how their fathers role relates to the “unhealthy patterns” they might subcontiously seek. Self examination is the best thing a woman to do to understand herself and all other outside conditions will change.

Trust me. I wrote a ‘short book’ for women hoping one day a group of women might purchase my book, do the exercise, and acknowledge the feelings they had as little girls and realize how that might have influenced their future. With knowledge comes wisdom and that inspires change.

By: Daddy Issues « Clutch Magazine

Daddy Issues « Clutch Magazine — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 06:46:46 +0000

[...] this topic. Low and behold Very Smart Brothas didn�t disappoint. Last year Panama Jackson wrote �I�ll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of Daddy Issues.� Panama wrote a balanced piece attempting to dissect the issue a bit further than the [...]

By: Seeing_Red

Seeing_Red — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 19:45:10 +0000

I do have “daddy issues” but not in the similar vain that some of the others have posted. I too had a father growing up, I had the two-family, middle class household and am the youngest of 3. My issue is I felt like both me and my father distance ourselves emotionally by the time I was 19. I know he loves me and I love him but… idk, there is something strange about my dad and myself- I see a lot of his traits and characteristics in me, which is scary because growing up he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to my mother- my mom isn’t perfect by any means but noone deserves to be treated like shit and hit. By seeing this with my own little two eyes, I saw that men like to dominate and control by any means necessary- I’ve dated and attracted two men who were almost identical to my father but I left them alone once I realized this but I’m afraid to marry someone like my dad- fear is holding me back from being in a committed, loving relationship because I feel like men, have ulterior motives and women get set up just to be dropped on our asses. I’m working on this in therapy because I NEED the right person to come into my life- it may not happen right away but what is life without intimacy and human connection?

Which brings me to my conundrum:
What happens when your mother says to you, a young black woman “you are just like your father” the man who abused her for years? When your main female role model ( mother) is totally wrapped up in victimization and refuses to see her part in the whole disintegration of a 30 year marriage
( she will not see that she chose to stay with the man through his drug abuse, other women, verbal/physical abuse) and I believe you teach people how to treat you. I love my mom but sometimes she is very self-centered, neurotic and acts like she is the only one in the world who hurts. She blames my father for EVERYTHING! It is not humanly possible to blame one person for your misery, trust me I have tried it (especially with the last dude I was seeing and it’s complete bullshit to make somebody else responsible for your own happiness).
To be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with my Dad. It is a very estranged, complex relationship indeed. I just don’t think he really knows how to love anybody let alone himself and this thinking has completely influenced all his actions/life-decisions. The irony of it all is, I totally can say the same thing about me. I’m scare I will end up like him, broke and broken and in a horrible relationship with a person who’s emotionally manipulative and completely dependent on them financially.

I believe I am a loner ( somewhat of a commitment phobe), committed self-sabotage, in some relationships, a little immature and don’t view marriage in the best light. Not all of it has to do with my father, but I wouldn’t be honest if I said the relationship ( or lack of close connection) didn’t affect me.

By: LadyBird

LadyBird — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:56:46 +0000

@juli, ” I am very good at not pushing buttons. I will shut my mouth in the middle of a sentence if the man I am talking to starts getting that look.. like he is getting heated. I find myself to be a �pleaser� when it comes to men. I let them make the rules for the most part. I seek emotionally unavailable men. I give into the push and pull of manipulative losers. I am actively working on making better decisions in this area. I know I keep seeking that old comfortable feeling of stressing to death over being rejected, and always trying to be good enough.”
..I am skilled in the art of de-escalating any situation quick when i see that look and tone begin to change…we all have choices, its about the decisions that we make that determines the outcome. i too work on it everyday because if i dont im just continuing the cycle n i refuse to let my kids deal with this.

By: LadyBird

LadyBird — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:32:55 +0000

@Miss Patterson, Yes trust i the hardest part and it is so easy to get derailed by mindless fukery..

By: LadyBird

LadyBird — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:05:17 +0000

@T,” but relationship-wise, unfortunately that is still underdeveloped. What I find myself doing is pretending to be someone I�m not and confusing the hell out of myself and the dudes.”
hehehe that one made me chuckle T, but i can relate..
I end up over analyzing things because to me communicating = having a “talk” about every little thing all the time..smh

By: T

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:27:29 +0000

” its ultimately up to us as an individual to find the resources that we need to reinforce that foundation (understanding ,forgiveness, learning to give love & accept love) so we can build something solid.”

You nailed it

By: Dianna

Dianna — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 08:49:44 +0000

I agree completely…

By: LadyBird

LadyBird — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:37:25 +0000

Sure am glad you brought up this topic. Thanks Panama Jackson luv VSB (im a lurcher..hehe) I am from a 2 parent home and I too have Daddy Issues. I read the comments trying to debate whether or not I should share my story because i recognize that it is dysfunctional on sooo many levels. For the longest I thought that maybe i was the only one or i was being too dramatic ( i can be at times). I wish i was in this case but I’m not. I have a large family and i have the pleasure of being the youngest (which just means they stopped at me) My father was the provider to the best of his ability he made sure we had a roof over our heads , food on the table , clothes on our backs and stayed in line. My mom made sure that he was satisfied and that we were ok (in that order) I never had a relationship with my father although we have lived under the same roof my entire childhood and briefly as an adult. He was strict, he had a temper, and i grew up thinking that he ultimately hated me. Old southern values ‘spare the rod spoil the child’. I lived in fear always trying to please him but always falling short. He never talked to me but talked AT me n never with anything supportive or encouraging just constant negative criticism.When he went on trips i used to wish he never came back. Let him be late coming home from work and I was crossing my fingers and my toes hoping that it was the day he didnt come back. No father daughter time, no movie nite, no hugs, no kisses. Can u imagine what that does to a little girl, i was convinced that i must not be worth it. I used to ask my mom y she stayed with him, she always said i should be lucky to have my father in my life unlike alot of my friends. But i never thought it would make a difference, my friends looked like they was doing fine without one. We started to hear stories of another family, kids, a house ( we was renting). I used to wonder why he didnt want to be with us, why he wasnt taking us out, why he would rather spend his days with them and come home to us at nite like he always did. By my teenage years my father had hurt my feelings so bad that I became numb. My concept of love was distorted, I had to keep my head in books trying to find normal. I put a wall up as a defense mechanism. I needed to protect myself from him because i was convinced that he did not care about me so i couldnt allow myself to care about him. I thought that if my own father didnt see value in me, how much could i be worth to anyone else? ..smh..We never talked about it n it took a while for me to realize my own worth..(work in progress) I distanced myself emotionally to protect my sanity, but once u do that you start to wonder how far to go before u cant find ya way back. I kept to myself alot because i knew i had to build up what was systematically being torn down. I was constantly searching to understand why..My interactions with guys that r attracted to me seem forced at times because im always trying to figure out what they’re thinking about me, if they’re being sincere, n how much of it is really just BS..With guys that i am attracted to it seems like the less attention they give me the more i take it as a personal challenge to win that attention back.. forgetting that they should be the ones trying to impress me. The one semi serious relationship i had left me devasted, n took a while for me to bounce back because i do not do rejection too well..But i crave male attention , I love hanging with the fellas, i have more guy friends than female friends. As friends we’re great, sexually even better but in a relationship ..not so much. I can never seem to make a strong enough connection it usually fades for me. Im single, but not because i have a hard time finding guys but because i have a hard time accepting love. It feels awkward and makes me uncomfortable because im not used to it so i end up pushing it away. You might even say that Im emotionally unavailable. My father showed me the importance of playing my position and not paying attention to what everyone else says or anything else he does as long as he comes home to me..bwahwahwah complete BS ..That is y I am very independant i handle my business and dont expect anyone else to do it for me. The guys i get r usually emotionally unavailable or too clingy. So sometimes I settle for the side, or buddy, or whateva doesnt require me to go too deep. . I make the rules but I still find myself giving alot of control to the men in my life, then resenting them for it and taking the control back but allowing them to stay in my life on my terms at a close distance..smh..im drama free as long as ur at a close distance..I have been known to avoid men because i was terrified & tired from the emotional rollercoaster. For me a relationship is hard work, and i require alot of patience & consistency. I can admit that i dont always know exactly what im doing ..lol..for me sometimes i try so hard to hold on when its best for me to let go and let go when its best for me to hold on..yep bass ackwards but im working on it. I dont think we should completely blame our fathers, or every man we’ve been with either but i do think we should acknowledge the fact that our fathers set the foundation, (standard for the men in our lives), but its ultimately up to us as an individual to find the resources that we need to reinforce that foundation (understanding ,forgiveness, learning to give love & accept love) so we can build something solid.

By: lulu

lulu — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 17:06:57 +0000

@Sula,
“But I know you�ll be fine. ”

Thanks