While most of us joke about it, asking a woman if she likes (or knows) her father really isn’t such a bad idea. The way a woman interacts with her father is going to help shape her relationships with men for the rest of her lives, either positively or negatively.
That goes double for absentee pappies. But who really delves into it? It’s interesting how much time we spend in the Black community talking about how hard it is for Black men and how much of a set-up life is for most of us. We spend a lot of time doing everything we can just to make sure that we don’t go to jail knowing full well that we’re all one accusation away from the pokey.
Pun.
In that regard, it makes sense; the physical stakes for Black men are a lot higher. Hell, a man without a father living in the hood probably has a higher chance of going to jail, getting killed, or killing somebody else (and then going to jail). When you add that psychological impact of Black manhood, frankly, I’m amazed that I can even read. Granted I know my father and even had the benefit of being raised by him (after a certain point, I mean I am Black, he wasn’t always around) which in our community is as normal a tutu-wearing Sasquatch dunking a ball at Rucker Park in Harlem. Plus, if you take it a step further, Black males without a father figure will possibly take some of that dysfunction into their future relationships and continue the cycle, which in theory would f*ck up the community, basically, forever.
Our women are generally the vanguard of the home and the ones to keep it all together. A lot of us point to our mothers as the strongest people we know because of the drama they had to deal with and what they managed to raise us on. So I think a lot of women’s issues get left out of the relationship equations(psychologically anyway, not the “she’s just batsh*t crazy” stuff). We usually assume that women know how to be in relationships or deal with men when the truth is…a lot have no f*cking idea. All those same families with sons without fathers have women without fathers. Heck, when I do a non-scientific poll of the women I know well enough to ask about their fathers, about 75 percent of them have a soured relationship with their father, if they even have one at all. But that rarely gets mentioned and that impact carries over into dating lives. If you don’t trust your daddy, why would you be open to trusting other men. The one who’s SUPPOSED to want you bailed, so it must be difficult to really fully trust other men with your heart and soul.
How are you supposed to understand the dynamics of a man-woman relationship if you’ve never really seen one that didn’t include Bill Cosby or something called a Florida Evans?
Part of the reason women and daddy issues doesn’t get much burn is that for the most part, a lot of women succeed in other areas. She doesn’t know her daddy, but she has a Ph.D. or a J.D. or an M.B.A. and is a partner or an associate in some firm, etc. Despite the obstacles (and with the lack of a police presence all in that arse and because the WNBA pays less than a manager at McDonald’s), women with daddy issues can be just as accomplished and successful as they want to be. Lucky for us, women with daddy issues don’t tend to murder anybody because of them. They might bust the windows out of a car or go full stalker on you, but those aren’t even felonies. So who cares?
And the beat goes on.
It’s really tragic that “daddy issues” is more of a jokey scarlet letter we attach to needy and insane broads than something we really discuss because really, if the women are all insane, and the men are all going to kill at least 1/10 of a person apiece, who knows where our community is heading.
Then again, I’m pretty sure Oprah doesn’t know her daddy. Whoopi neither…but she doesn’t have any eyebrows.
I’m afraid of an eyebrowless community.
With that said, good people of VSB, how do daddy issues manifest themselves and do you think daddy issues get their just due? And what impact are daddy issues really having on our community? Hell ladies, do YOU have daddy issues? And my brothas, how have women’s daddy issue affected your relationships?
Sit on the VSB couch.
Do tell.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
By the way, I realize not all Black people have mommy or daddy issues. And that’s great.Rah rah rah, sis boom bah. Unfortunately, ALL OF US know at least 5 people with an absentee parent (if it ain’t you), that has some effect somewhere. Thank you. And yes, Panama can be a “serious” writers sometimes too!
Oprah definitely knows her daddy.
@Chris Brown,
Right. P, you’re not well-versed in Oprah-ology. She def knows who he is and was in fact sent to live with him for quite some time when she was a kid, to help keep her on the straight and narrow because she was unruly. Does this mean he is responsible for the great Oprah we know today? not sure. Either way, she does know him and more than just in a “I know his name and what he looks like” basic way. It’s Oprah’s mother who I have no clue about and have been meaning to look up.
@Liz, “It’s Oprah’s mother who I have no clue about and have been meaning to look up.”
Her mom was on her show once. Oprah takes care of her financially, but I’m not sure about their relationship. She seems to be closer to her father though…
@Liz & Chris Brown,
Just co-signing with you all. Gates did a PBS special with black folks tracing their roots, one of those people being Oprah, and on that and some of her shows she stated her fathers discipline got her in line and helped take her to where she is today. Oprah was sent to Dad because she was a lil’ off the hook, and her father was having none of that.
Oprah’s mother is the reason she had struggled through her childhood. Her mom treated her less then her sister and didnt claim her. Oprah wasnt allowed to sleep in her own home, her mom forced her to sleep on the porch and was raped by many, many, many men. thats when she lives with her father and his wife or girlfriend. She wasnt a badass before going to her fathers. he scared her by telling her if she ever got preggo out of wedlock he’d kill her and told her she’d have to work twice as hard in life, and she did and know look at who she has become.
@Liz,
I think Oprah was living with her Mom when she was molested/raped, hence her acting out.
@Chris Brown, well, hell, she’s Black. I took a shot. Given the odds, I felt it was in my favor. LOL.
This is unrelated to the post, but who is this B cup CP3 that is a favorite at VSB?
@Legendary Dash,
It refers to Candace Parker, the WNBA basketball player. She has a B-Cup and Chris Paul, the person normally called CP3 because of jersey number of both does not. Lord, I am such a sports nerd.
@Soula Powa, Oh OK. I think she is working with something more than Bs though. Sheldon Williams….sigh.
@Legendary Dash,
EXACTLY. Ole junkyard dog lookin @ss ninja.
@Stank-0,
Junkyard Dog the wrestler, or an actual junkyard dog? Either way, both of them are way more handsome than Sheldon, who looks like Ken Griffey Jr. from the episode of The Simpsons with the MLB players who played on Mr.Burn’s softball team.
@Legendary Dash,
Actually he reminds me of Lou Gossett Jr.’s character in Enemy Mine.
Been reading VSB for about a month and hadn’t felt compelled to post a comment…until now…
I definitely think the psychological and emotional effects of “daddy issues” have been overlooked and/or trivialized by the Black community. I am a 27 year-old Black woman who continues to struggle to have healthy, fulfilling relationships with men, due to the tumultuous relationship I’ve had with my father, since the age of 5.
Thank u for shedding light on an issue that truly doesn’t get the attention it deserves…
@britchick8682, Thanks for sharing. I realize this is personal, but what, from your observation, has been the correlation? Can you identify any specific “issues” with your dad and the corresponding specific effect they’ve had with your relationships?
@Caballeroso & @Panama Jackson…in terms of specific “issues” that I have had with my father that I believe have directly affected me in my relationships with men, I would note:
(1) My father was “unavailable”, emotionally and physically (location) to me, which has caused me to be attracted to “unavailable” men.
(2) My father made numerous empty promises, which has caused me to be hesitant to take a man at his word.
(3) My father “abandoned” me, which causes me to fear that all men will “abandon” me.
@britchick8682, welcome and sh*t
Like Cabellerosa says, what kind of struggles are we talking about?
I have daddy issues… to the point where I refuse to acknowledge him or even call him (or anyone else, including my step pops) “dad”. As I have gotten older I began to really reexamine my issues with him and notice how it has affected my past, current and future relationships. I want to but I just don’t trust men… I am trying and Jesus is still working on me so all I can do is wait for him to finish the work. Dadless communities have a large impact on those who come from them. The cycle continues because there is a lack of examples. Its sad and I don’t really know what to do to fix it. I guess we all just have to try harder to cherish and build families. I remember sitting with my girl friends of 15 years and talking with one of their moms about our mothers not being with our fathers. Out of 7 only one of us still had parents that was together. Thats sad. Her mom said that they left to make a better future for us, which I can respect but at the same time it actually hindered us. I am all for womanhood and independence but we needed to be taught how to love and treat our men and thats not possible if you are still on the dating scene right along with us. I guess people don’t like to talk about the serious issues that continue to fester due to the lack of daddies because they feel it is a weakness and dads are not needed. Well I’ll be the first to say that I wish I had a dad in my life that did right by us. Panama is speaking volumes of truth in this post. Good job.
@Buxxy,
Real ish if I’ve ever heard it. Thanks for your honesty.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
Agreed.
Thanks for sharing Buxxy.
@Sula, @BlkBond,
Ehhh no problem. I know I cant be the only one with issues (looking at the rest of the comments proves my statement) so I figured sharing is caring.
@Buxxy, I am all for womanhood and independence but we needed to be taught how to love and treat our men and thats not possible if you are still on the dating scene right along with us.
never thought of that angle either. that has to be a significant hurdle to pass. hell, who gives advice in that situation?
@Panama Jackson,
Exactly my point… and it is not getting better with time
I never read all of the comments but this time I did and all I can say is that you guys have something here. This could blossom into an awesome book, documentary or even a workshop series that travels the country forcing people to RELEARN the principals of family and love. If you should choose to go that route please let me be apart. I’m always down for the betterment of our community.
My father has ignored me for most of my life, however I got the most amazing grandparents out of the deal. Yes, not having a father will have an effect. On the other hand, stop playing the victim, and look for a real and lasting example of a positive and happy marriage and seek advice from them on how to be in a lasting and loving relationship… Everybody has some kind of issue, it’s really how we deal with our issues that defines our true character.
@L, your comment is the truth. We need to find a way forward, those of us with these issues should start looking for solutions for ourselves. When I reached my twenties and realized that I could not continuously blame my relationship issues on my Father, I have found healing in ways that made sense to me. I need to be a whole person and make sure a person who was absent from my life does not continuously affect how my life turns out. I applaud those who are taking the steps to not claim the victim place anymore and more strength to those who are trying to find their way.
@L, i wonder if some people are just more able to adjust to situations than others. I used to be one of those ” get over it, life sucks for everybody” people until I realized that i was always the only person who could just get over sh*t and keep it moving.
maybe i have the problem.
@Panama Jackson,
my thoughts exactly… i would love to just “get over” a lot of things that have happened to me but when you try and toss them to the side..they keep coming back. you have to actually address them and talk about them. its ok to feel hurt and admit it. you’re not playing the victim, you are one, and its ok to accept that. but being a victim doesn’t mean you can’t move past whatever it is that has affected you.
I’m not sure I would solely blame this on fathers (and the lack thereof) in our community, however I would cite Broken Family Syndrome as something that plagues our community. Absentee fathers, absentee mothers, parents who are not yet ready or fit or stable enough to be parents; these are the things I think afflict our people the most, and give rise to a continuous and cyclical problem in our families across generations. Gotta love the effects of slavery, all the way to 2010 and beyond.
@Liz,
Yeah, what she said.
@Liz, “Broken Family Syndrome” – good term for it. You definitely summed it up, Liz.
@Liz,
I’d have to agree. I have seen way too many people have kids that were frankly just not ready. People have kids when they still don’t know themselves. I never hear anyone talk about this. I still hear men and women talk about having kids as if it is something to just get out of the way before a certain age.
@Humble_One,
so very true! It’s like people have a list of things to check off, kids being one of them. And then when the kids get here and need stuff & attention & guidance..the parents are like what?! All that wasn’t on the list! just cute baby clothes and Barney birthday parties…SMH
Parenting is no joke, for real
@Andrea Morgan, Sometimes people don’t even have a list, in the sense that they are “planning” anything. They just be havin kids. I know I used to date somebody who had a kid a relatively young age, and he couldn’t afford it. He was still living with his parents….yet him and his (new) girlfriend were working on having another kid. I was like? Do you not realize neither of you have an apartment and thus probably shouldn’t be having another kid right now? Sometimes I wonder if we just don’t really put much work into family planning as much as we should.
@Humble_One,
definitely agree with you and Liz.
parenting is often seen as something to do (planned but not prepared) or something that happens (unplanned). but parenting is so trivial for some ppl. hell, its hard for 2 stable, hard working parents with all the right resources to take care of a child, let alone 2 half-witted ppl just effing around (literally) and end up parents without dedicating anytime to what children require. its sad really.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, LOL. So very true. I am pretty confident I’d be a decent parent, but parenthood has me shook (not to mention it’s expensive). I couldn’t see myself trying to handle it all on my own as a single parent, or with lesser resources than I have now.
@Liz,
LOL i know i cant take care of anybody/thing other then me. i dont even have a cat. po’ thang be done froze in my cold a$$ apartment, get slim pickings of the cat food based on what my bank acct allows in the 3rd week of the month. strugglin!!
yet, there are ppl who dont even bother to think about resources when they think its a good idea to not invest in condoms or bc and end up with kids. *smh* damn shame.
@Liz,
Yup. You nailed it. And the term actually sound scientific and sh!t.
@Liz, yeah, i don’t blame fathers for all that’s wrong in the community. it’s a joint effort like a motherf*cker. however, my point is that usually it seems like a lot of men, due to whatever issues they bring to the table, cause a lot of ruckus while women just sit by waiting for the man to stop f*cking up. but there’s a whole other side that makes it even that much more difficult.
basically, we all suck.
Well, as for me I know my daddy, I even spent a few weekends a year with him, and one long, hot azz summer driving to Texas with him and my latest stepmother. As far as actually knowing him as a person, I have to admit I don’t. I don’t know his real likes or dislikes aside from his love of white women, drinking, golf and the Dallas Cowboys.
I am not sure he has had any real impact on my life aside from leaving me with abandonment issues. I remember when my parents divorced, (I was 3 years old) one morning I woke up looking for him and he was gone. I looked for him for days, missing his shilouette in the door way when I was falling asleep, missing watching football in his lap, and missing having his undivided attention. I guess one day I realized he was not coming back. He was an off and on daddy after that and moved to Nebraska when I was an adult with young children. I don’t know if I truly believe he loves me or ever did.
Now I live with an irrational fear that the man I love will leave me. I fear he will leave me with no explanation or over some little thing that I never saw coming. In relationships, every issue and argument big or small has me bracing myself for the “I’m leaving!” or coming home to an empty house. Luckily I have learned to keep panic mode to myself so “he” can’t see my racing heartbeat, the rise in my blood pressure, my migraine coming on, and my mental preparation for the worst (looking for a new apt., holding on to my cash, trying to emotionally disconnect from the relationship and rehearsing my statement for when folks ask why we broke up…)
It is sad I know, especially when I am going through all that stress and as I’m trying to hide my red eyes with Visine “he” comes home and says “Sorry Babe, I was trippin’ and was a little distant, it wasn’t you…I was pissed at (insert any minor daily stress here). I have tried to get off that emotional roller coaster many times but I guess
it all boils down to “If my daddy didn’t stay (translation: Didn’t love me enough to stay) then why would anyone else?”
(please don’t ban me for my run on posts…I’m kinda new to this blogging thing)
@WonderWoman
Wow. That’s a hard way to live. I fell in love with someone who essentially could’ve written this entire post (I had to piece it together from others and our falling apart . . . she never told me). I’m happy that you have been able to maintain a loving relationship. Panic/fear/making yourself emotionally numb can do some crazy crazy things to a relationship.
@An Island, It was a hard way to live but I have tried not to let it define how I live. I know it is not the fault of the man I love, and I work hard to keep the crazy things to a minimum (by keeping it to myself) and putting time between my initial reaction and my response so I don’t say or do anything stupid.
@WonderWoman, I am not sure he has had any real impact on my life aside from leaving me with abandonment issues.
I think those abandonment issues, from what you wrote above, do have a real impact on your life……
@shay-d-lady, Those abandonment issues are just part of life for me. I live with them and try to live well despite them. I guess I was thinking he didn’t have any real “positive impact” when I wrote that but I didn’t say it…..
@WonderWoman, great comment. i totally relate to your knowing your father on the surface. and don’t worry they won’t ban you, you see how long panama’s posts are, right?
@Miss Patterson, Thank you, and yes I’ve seen his posts but this his place and didn’t want to show up without calling first…glad I can let it flow…
@WonderWoman, yes you are more than welcome. and forget miss patterson. my sh*t’s poignant.
@Panama Jackson, Thank You…
@WonderWoman,
Do you think that the constant emotional rollercoaster of having to deal with possible abandonment could push you to the point of resolving to simply be ok with whatever the future brings whereby you could permanently become emotionally distant from him?
@Caballeroso, Yes….After constantly emotionally separating from my ex husband (for very good reason) when he claimed he wanted to change I couldn’t even attempt any form of reconciliation I was to far removed…I looked at him and felt nothing. In that case divorce was best. I fear this same thing happening in my good relationship, and helping me ruin everything…after my emotional break it takes me a few days to a week or more to “warm back up” my man is kinda like” didn’t we make up? why are you still distant? Funny, I couldn’t explain it to him…Guess I can now…Thanks Very Smart Brothas for the dialogue…
@WonderWoman,
So glad you shared, and I am sorry. I know it sounds trite, but have you tried seeking therapy? We often neglect mental health in our communities at large but sometimes it truly helps.
Hope things get better on your end.
@Sula, Tried therapy more than once for “my daddy issues”, “my rape issues”, and “my general issues”. Unfortunately, all three counselors were male and all acted upon my vulnerability very inappropriately…Hence, “more issues”…
So, considering it all…I’m doing pretty well…
@WonderWoman,
Whoa! This brought tears to my eyes. I can totally relate even though my story is very different. I grew up in a 2 family home, two good parents (though I wouldn’t call their marriage “happy”), my dad was an excellent financial provider, and I was daddy’s little girl. Until I was 19. When I was 19 my mom got a phone call from a woman who said that she’d been with my father for the last 11 years (so since I was 8, and over half of their marriage). So while you have a fear of coming home to an open house, I have a fear of waking up one day and realizing (in my Biggie Smalls voice) It Was All A Dream. In other words, can I really trust what appears to be obvious? It appears that I have a happy home and he loves me and we’re partners, etc….but can I ever really trust that what I “see” is what I am “getting”? Don’t know if that made sense, but those are my daddy issues. Le Sigh.
@Yonnie3k, Made total sense to me….I wonder sometimes, if my entire relationship is a delusional figment of my damaged imagination and I am really having an extended booty call and one day he will decide he’s had enough booty and walk…Then I have to talk myself down from the craziness and look at how “he” loves me and my kids”, “cares for me and my kids”, “knows my issues and loves me anyway” and “comforts me when I am in pain” and try to believe I am worthy of all this love…and that it is real….
@WonderWoman, it all boils down to “If my daddy didn’t stay (translation: Didn’t love me enough to stay) then why would anyone else?”
I think that’s the issue that every women in our situation has to overcome. I always expect a guy to leave me in a relationship because my dad didn’t bother being in my life and decided not to be involved with me, so why would anybody else want to stick around? One thing I also noticed about myself is that even though I know I’m in a shitty relationship, I stick around because I believe that’s the best I can do. Wrong. It was last year that I realized I’m worthy and shouldn’t settle for less. I started reading spiritual books by Iyanla Vanzant and realized that what matters is that you love your Self and that you will always be with your Self. I completely understand your pain. I’m so glad this post was created because I think it’s time that we support each other and help find ways to heal one another…
@T, I read and used my journal to get over my ex husband and the loss of what I believed was a life long commitment. I read “CAPTIVATING” and it changed me life! I learned God wants me to be happy, loved, and pursued by a man who would love me as God loves me…(my ex was a controlling N.O.I Muslim Brotha (No offense to the positive and upright Muslim Men out there) and I was a Christian….I lost myself for a while….but I’m back!
@WonderWoman, I sat reading your post and swore I was listening to myself think. Unfortunately & fortunately at the same time, as an adult I have a relationship with my father, mostly out of guilt. I find myself playing out that relationship in my relationships. However, I think now that I recognize what I’m doing & who my father is, I am moving forward in being emotionally healthy to attract a wonderful relationship. The biggest lesson I’ve learned in all this is my father is a person before he’s my father. I am now a single mother raising a son alone and my goal is to do all I can to grow him into the man his father wasn’t & the one mine will never be. I hope one day you are able to be better in spite of all that happened to you; its one of my goals too.
@yesimaproducer, Hello Kindred Spirit,
healing is a journey but I’m all for it, my growing pains signify change and growth, I know I am getting better day by day….You will too!
This is a good post and one that really needs to be discussed! I was lucky to have grown up with a really caring father who was always there, but I have many friends who didn’t grow up with their father and it creates a lot of issues in their relationships with men as well as in themselves. The absence of a father creates a lot of anger and resentment and this gets taken out on their boyfriends/husbands. Relationships take patience, understanding, and work to make it work. My friends who didn’t grow up with a father tend to be very demanding. Even bigger than this is self-esteem issues. A good father-daughter relationship is really important into developing a strong woman.
@Leila, A good father-daughter relationship is really important into developing a strong woman.
couldn’t agree more. not that you can’t grow up into a stong woman without a pappy, but i’m sure it makes a big difference in the journey.
oh. well me and my daddy is cool. we used to take bike rides on sundays and we walked me to school when i was in pre-k and are just real cool in general. hm……so i guess that means i should really be doing better in life and have less personal issues. whatev.
@charli skipper,
Yeah, I don’t have “daddy issues”, was raised in a two-parent home, and is close to both my parents. Still doesn’t mean life is gonna be all gravy. Shyt (still) happens.
@Monk,
Agreed.
And I will raise you one: I have discovered a “daddy issue” that comes from having a very loving and doting father… The “daddy’s little girl” issue I call it. I have discovered it with myself… as in I was actually not doing any “work” in any of my relationships (ante-discovery of said issue) because I assumed that the person should just love me for me… you know, just like my daddy loves me with all my (pesky and annoying) flaws. I didn’t necessarily believe in compromise and/or trying to improve and change for the better… after all, my daddy loved me just as is…
So yeah, 2-parent households with a loving (and often overbearing) dad can also create certain issues… In other words,
life s#cks and then you dieproblems can come from everywhere.@Sula, yeah, that kind of forces the damned if you do damned if you don’t shit. yay for Black love.
le sigh.
@charli skipper,
LOL i def feel you.
but the question i’d ponder is…. do you have issues with men on a romantic/intimate level?
“Daddy issues” is a trite and over-simplistic expression used to diagnose women with something that isn’t a clearly defined idea. The term “daddy” itself suggests a sort of stuck in childhood/overattachement. Is there really a defined cause and effect of “daddy issues”?
Often, women’s insecurities, fear of commitment or any number of relationship issues are clumped in this “daddy issues” category which might undermine other sources that may be causing the problems in relationships.
I think a lot of women who have a bad relationship with their fathers, or even no relationship at all, seek a man who isn’t like their father. (I’ve heard the theories on seeking comfort in the familiar no matter how painful the familiar is but I don’t believe that’s the case most of the time)
I think it’s a good idea to explore women’s relationships with their fathers and how that affects them but this particular expression/concept does more damage than good.
(my 2 cents)
@Root, I think a lot of women who have a bad relationship with their fathers, or even no relationship at all, seek a man who isn’t like their father.
I dont know.. a lot of times in my experience they end up with guys with the same issue as the father….
@shay-d-lady, & I always wonder if that’s a self fulfilling prophecy or a real attachment to the familiar.
@Root,
i almost think they’re one in the same, if you get down to the real root (hehe) of the problem.
many women expect from a man what they are used to getting. many women arent taught by their mothers or positive male role models (if daddy isnt in the picture) that its ok to demand a certain level of respect, protection, and love from a man. and so often times even strong women end up with (not necessarily LOOK for) a man who has negative characteristics like their absent fathers because they havent asserted their needs for a complementary mate since they dont really know what that looks/feels like.
in my humble op, of course.
@shay-d-lady, Very True,
I used to see out men who appeared as what I thought a man is supposed to be “strong physically, strong in his beliefs and convictions, masculine, protective, hardworking and won’t allow me to manipulate them (I can be emotional sometimes and some men just let me have my way to avoid tears, I hate that!)…funny thing is once I was involved I realized those things were either superficial, a front, or my imagination. Fast forward six months later and I was the sole breadwinner, supporting the family, trying to be the supportive uplifting woman while my man finding himself and taking out his frustrations on me. It left me wondering how I am supposed to be the woman while I’m feeling like the man, When I voiced my frustrations he would pack up and leave…I ended up with exactly what I didn’t want…I make better choices now, but without knowing exactly what a man is supposed to be, how would I know when I find one?
@Root,
How does it do more damage than good?
@Monk, it’s oversimplified, as if there is only one kind of “daddy issue” and only one outcome. I think that there different ways a woman is affected by her relationship with her father. I just have a problem with “daddy issues” the term and how it’s used to solve/justify the problems of a girl’s dating life.
@Root,
As Liz stated upthread, a more encompassing term would probably be “dysfunctional family syndrome”. From what I’ve witnessed in the black community though, is that absentee fathers who don’t participate or aren’t equally as relevant in their children lives make up a lot of these “dysfunctional” families.