Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

If You’re Happy, Then I’m Good…Maybe I’ll See You Next Lifetime…

Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward.

Have you seen the movie 10 Years? If not, what will follow are some spoilers of sorts. If you’ve never heard of it, then don’t sweat it and just continue reading.

It’s a 2011 movie that stars Channing Tatum and his wife (can’t remember her name) and a cast of folks you’d know by face if not by name and my boo, Rosario Dawson. It’s a movie about a 10 year high school reunion. Pretty simple premise. You’ve got the bully who wants to make amends even though its not really that genuine despite his protestations that it is. You’ve got the guys who never grew up; the wigger turned back white boy whose wife is agitated by his prior life as a Black kid trapped inside of a white kids body. You’ve got the now famous recording artists whose…well, no need to spoil it all. Point is, it’s a movie about a high school reunion.

Well the crux of the story is about Jake (Tatum) and Mary (Dawson). They’re both in committed relationships now and really both wanted to see one another even if Jake probably mostly only brought his woman assuming that Mary wouldn’t be there. Clearly, they’re high school exes who fell apart, not because of love but because of circumstance. Let me be upfront, I’m a sucker for movies like this. Any movie that has significant nostalgia, reflection, and realization is a win for me.

It’s clear that Jake and Mary still have “something” for one another even if they’ve both moved on. The love is still there, evidenced by the awkward hug they give one another. You ever notice that when you have any sort of feelings for somebody, hugs are awkward? That’s the best way to tell if somebody is feeling somebody else…the way they touch one another in the most innocent way possible. It’s poignant and telling.

Well, after they’ve effectively pissed off their significant others with tremendous awkwardness, to the point that both SOs excuse themselves from the festivities from the evening, they get the moments they needed.

The moments to know that the other is okay. They haven’t spoken in 8 years and likely never stopped thinking of one another the entire time. Hell, they admit to trying to find each other, something I’m sure we’ve all done and do with people we care about even if we don’t contact them any longer for various reasons. That’s made even easier with social networking – which neither of them has.

After the night comes to a close and everybody is leaving, neither is truly ready to leave until they get to have a short but necessary conversation where they catch up and find out if the other person is happy. They embrace. The thing that stands out to me about their situation is that its clear that they never stopped loving each other. They just had to move on.

Even Jake’s girlfriend has to ask before she drives off, “what happened? Why did you all break up?” because it’s clear that there’s a “there” there. And while neither is prepared to explore that “there” anymore, they still love one another. They have an entire world to themselves that nobody else can truly appreciate or understand short of their closest friends there at the reunion.

But in those final moments you can tell that they are two people who got the chance to make sure that the person they truly love…like that real palpable love, is cool. And that is needed to go on about life okay. Even if they never speak again…they got that satisfaction. In the most non-sensical parallel possible, its like when you have a insane sexual chemistry with somebody for so long that you just need to smash to get it out of your system…and when you all do, you can go on about life either as friends or as folks you never speak to again. Odd, but it makes total sense and I’m sure along side Miley Cyrus twerking right now, it is happening somewhere in America.

In the words of Anthony Hamilton, and the point of it all is this: I wonder if most of us have that person that we truly love even if there isn’t anything more that can come of it. Jake and Mary were completely innocent in their desires to reconnect. They just needed to know. I know I’ve had that person…and I know she’s good. We’ll always have the weirdest of connections, to the point where I’m not even sure I can explain it. So I don’t try. It’s unnecessary. I’m good. She’s good. And we’ll always be people who love one another and it goes no further than that. It’s not active love. It’s somewhere out there, somebody is thinking about me so I never have to worry about being a nobody. It’s mostly odd because for many of those situations it is offputting for significant others, and it seems more guilty than it is…but sometimes you just need a few moments alone just to know folks are okay. That’s love.

So…do you have that kind of person? Is it okay to have that kind of person if you’re in a relationship? If you do, how the hell did it come to pass like that? Or are you one of the fortunate people where the past is always the past for you….period?

What’s love?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is a co-founder of VSB and co-author of Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • keisha brown

    i’ll have to think about if i have that person or not..there are a couple that could make the cut if i wanted to go down that path of reliving memories…
    but great post pj!

  • Angel Baby

    Weird timing of this post…
    I realized I drove by my ex husband a lil while ago while he was jogging. We made eye contact but I didn’t realize it was him until a few moments later. That’s all I needed to know… that he’s still alive and doing well. It made me smile.
    Life is…

    • Angel Baby

      oh & yes, I’ve seen this movie and loved it. I’ve loved all the movies directed at the 30 and older crew I’ve caught lately.

      • Jay

        Saw it on HBO a few weeks ago… looked like a good flick but I only caught about half of it.

    • nillalatte

      I pulled up to a casino one night and stopped for this guy in the crosswalk. I thought to myself, “Wow.. he’s a good looking guy.” Then he turned and looked me dead in my face. It was my ex-husband. :( FML. Can I just say at that moment the engine might have revved just a little bit? *evil grin

      • http://www.saysmeblog.wordpress.com/ Aly

        Wait, the engine or the engine? *wink-wink*

        • Sahel

          And they say am not a trendsetter,eat it Val

        • nillalatte

          Stop.

      • panamajackson

        You know what’s funny, I was at the mall year’s ago…went into a store and saw this chick from behind…didnt see her face, I was a little bit of a distance away…I’m looking like damn…she look kinda right…this chick turns around and its my girlfriend. i was like. yep…still attracted. WOOHOO! she didnt see me as i was looking from a distance….

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

          Did you tell her?

          • panamajackson

            I don’t think I ever did.

            • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

              Welp, the next time it happens, tell her. She’ll appreciate it.

              • panamajackson

                Well, she’s an ex at this point…Im sure she’d be annoyed.

                • Kema

                  I hope all my exes look at me like that. *evil grin*

    • panamajackson

      Yeah…see sometimes you just need to know they’re okay. It is weird though. Life is a motherf*cker. I finished that sentence for you.

  • I Am Your People

    So, how many VSS’s stopped planning their imaginary wedding to Wentworth Miller they just KNEW would happen? Yeah, I see you…

    • Oshun

      heyyy IAYP! :) At first when I read your comment, I was like who is WM?! Then google saved the day. .I never knew his name, or what he does, just see his face randomly appear from time to time. He is FOIIINE. Oh wells.

    • Jay

      LOL… me and my ex used to watch Prison Break religiously, got tired of hearing about how “fine” dude was. Hope I’m the first to tell her so I can watch her face…

      http://cdnl.complex.com/mp/620/400/80/0/bb/1/ffffff/271c722cdbb0edbc78146396d748dcb6/images_/assets/CHANNEL_IMAGES/POP_CULTURE/2013/08/funniest-nicolas-cage-reaction-gifs/iahqt_7_684471.gif

      • Sahel

        I had to deal with that too. I just had the pleasure of breaking it to a friend of mine who still has the prison break theme song as her ringtone

      • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

        that’s so cruel. just evil. the pain is DEEP! lol

      • Keisha

        I just found out!!! I want to cry…. :-(

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      i remember a few years back i was rewatching prisonbreak with a shorty who of course was crushing on him and sheb kkept asking was he seeing someone and thru slight hate and just realizing he was a big network star without any even rumored romance i deduced he was gay

    • Todd

      Hey, sidebar: why is it that so many Hollywood dudes women are feeling turn out to be gay…but you never hear of any Hollywood women men are feeling turn out to be lesbian? Odd…

      • HRH Prince Farouk I

        This might be a job for Dr Phil, I have no idea.

        • panamajackson

          Dr. Phil has his own issues lately lol

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

        Because we can sense their lesbian leanings right off the bat? I don’t know…

        • Todd

          There might be some truth to that. I think men collectively have a sense of who is feeling them and who isn’t, if only because we have to approach. On the flip side, women generally don’t make the first move and therefore don’t kno how receptive is until they either holla at them or come out.

        • Shay-d-Lady

          lol nah. because a lot of women probably get down for the clown but cling close to their “straight” identity. All those chicks probably have and will “go”.lol 2 things i aint never seen before.. a UFO……

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

            “because a lot of women probably get down for the clown but cling close to their “straight” identity.”
            *looks at most of the Black women in Opelika and the college girls in Auburn*

            • Todd

              Ah, the LUGs…a fun part of my collegiate experience. I don’t know who is worse: the closet cases or the ones faking the funk for political reasons (dubbed Decepticons by our lovely Bunni). Like who you like, for goodness sake!

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

        ~ but you never hear of any Hollywood women men are feeling turn out to be lesbian? Odd…

        Raven ~*~

        • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

          I knew that heffa was lesbian when she was on Dinsey Channel….the pic thats floating around with her nekked in bed with her gf is EVERYTHINGGGG

          • Sahel

            Wow,i didnt even know such a pic exists.kudos

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Who is the gf in the pic? AzMarie?

            • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

              looks like it perhaps…..

              • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                That’s not AzMarie. That looks like the actress that played Latifah’s gf in Set if Off. Does that look like Raven to you?

                • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

                  from this angle i’d say yes (the plumpy pointy nose, that weird curly ear Raven has…)

                  even if its not, its a very nice pic and I’m happy its all up and down my timeline lol

              • WIP

                NSFW…

                • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

                  WHOOPSIE!! This is why I have you around WIP, you keep me in check :-)

                  • Shamira

                    y’all tryna get me fired with these pics man, lol. what did it ever do to y’all?

                    • Yoles

                      I am seriously liking this pic and keep scrolling back to see it saying these people on here be bugging girl… just make sure to get a collection going for rent and necessities if bad things happen

                • Keisha

                  THIS!!! I had my screen wide open and everything! :-/

              • 321mena123

                The real question is who took this picture?

                • Corey Stovall

                  Clearly nobody with good sense or else a group video would have followed shortly

                  • 321mena123

                    It is a hot picture. Can’t lie.

        • Todd

          Eh, she was more a child star than anything else, but I will give you that, since a lot of dudes were feeling her anyway. Still that’s 1 woman to how many dudes now? LOL

          • Yoles

            every guy i have ever dated would beat the breaks off raven… thats a quote that i heard more than once from different guys… every.single.guy.i.dated.was.attracted.to.her… even my high school boyfriend/first husband i wonder what that means

            • Todd

              Not that she isn’t cute, but there was something about her that seemed a bit…off. Only think I can think of was that it was gaydar, because it wasn’t like she was ugly by any stretch.

      • Kema

        Men didnt like Ellen’s wife? She’s gorgeous!

    • Rachmo

      Why you gotta go there?

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      Isn’t Wentworth Miller the one who is actually Black but no one knows he is?

      • ForeverCC

        I called him the Passing One. :) While I was a bit upset at the news, it really wasn’t a surprise to me… I’m sure my husband thinks it is hilarious since he had to stop watching Prison Break with me because I talked about him so much.

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

          Lol. Yeah, someone downthread mentioned looking forward to his SO learning of this new info.

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    Yes, it’s okay to have that kind of person in your past. In fact one should consider it a very lucky thing if they had that person in their life. And, yes, it is okay even if you are in a relationship with someone else. Sometimes we aren’t meant to be with our soul mate. Sometimes we get what we need from them and then it’s over. As painful as that can be.

    And, what we got from said relationship may not be readily apparent when the relationship ends. It can take time and perspective to understand. Actually it can take a really long time.

    So, I just stay patient. Hopefully one day I’ll understand what it is I was supposed to understand from that relationship. In the meantime, I’m free to love and I am loving someone. And really maybe that was all I was supposed to get, that I can love and deserve love.

    • panamajackson

      I should probably just add this to my post. LOL. well stated.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Thanks, PJ. Your post made me reflect on a particular relationship and I think I got a little clarity.

    • OSHH

      I just saw him last Friday after some years because circumstances would have it that way and I cried for 4 days after. I concur with your entire comment Val and reading this has helped comfort me, knowing someone else can relate and truly understands. Although I don’t have anyone else right now I also know that I can love and be loved and that is starts with self.

  • http://mildredsjones.blogspot.com/ Millie Jo

    Yes I do have that person and the douche lives somewhere in NY…I have a feeling he might come knocking as soon as I get in a committed relationship though. I hate that I love him.

    • Sahel

      Rewind,stay out of this girls life

    • IcePrincess

      Aaaaaw he’s Mr. Big to your carrie

      • WIP

        I get mad when I watch those episodes now. IRL, Big wouldn’t have made it halfway through the series. Dude got married on her! (Unfortunately, I can relate.)

        • Rachmo

          GIRL I decided to rewatch them from Season 1 and I had to take a break. I didn’t realize I’d have such a strong reaction to the whole Aiden thing. I was ridiculously upset. And Mr. Big just pisses me off.

          • 321mena123

            EVERY WOMAN LOVED AIDEN!! I hated Carrie for what she did to him and then he STILL took her back and proposed only for her to break his heart again. I was so happy when they showed him with a baby and married in season 5 I think. Ungrateful heffer.

            • Rachmo

              At 19 I couldn’t fully comprehend the big deal. At 28 I was so blown by her stupidity! I would never walk away from an Aiden (or a Steve or a Harry). But a Big? You let him take you to nice restaurants and then you walk away. God such an idiot. I couldn’t even watch the second movie bc I couldn’t deal with the first.

              • 321mena123

                You would take back Steve? But he cheated on Maranda. Harry was adorable. Loved him :-)

                • Rachmo

                  Believe it or not I would. No shade to Miranda, but she put him through a lot. I wouldn’t treat someone like that who was so clearly my person and my ride or die. I do not condone cheating at all. But I think Miranda knew that she had to decide whether she ACTUALLY didn’t trust him or her pride was eating her up.

                  • Shamira

                    Miranda was constantly emasculating and withholding, and whenever a guy would react badly would blame it on him being intimidated by her success — no, boo boo, you’re doing way too much.

                    • WIP

                      And never in one million generations did I buy her and Blair Underwood.

                    • Shamira

                      LMAO I like to pretend that never happened.

                    • 321mena123

                      It’s funny because it played into the good looking black man dating a regular white chick.

                    • WIP

                      It did. They rarely made her look very pretty. Most of the time she was mean. I can’t live in a world where she’s pulling chexy black doctors.

                    • 321mena123

                      Why for come they could never dress her right? Why for come?

                    • Shamira
              • Todd

                I think you nailed it with the age thing. As women get older, they seem to get their heads together as to what’s realistic. The overarching theme of SATC was that of growing up, getting your head together and being mature with your relationships. Though on the flip side, this immaturity is America’s Leading Source Of Diva Dudes. ™

                • Rachmo

                  Haha yeah I can tell when Diva Dudes have been scorned and are afraid to open up. It took forever but learned to leave them where they are standing bc there are other men out there sans fear of getting close to a person. It’s not my job to fix you and you prob won’t change your mind about me.

              • 321mena123

                I didn’t start watching the show until really the last season so i had to catch everything through DVD. I was probably 23. I still wanted to throat chop her. Big was arrogant beyond anything. I didn’t understand what she saw in him. Aiden was sexy ESPECIALLY when he cut his hair and lost a few pounds.

                • Rachmo

                  Yes for the cut, and the ability to build things, and the awesome dog, and the financial stability, and the sweet personality, and you know what? I’m at work. Let me stop before I get repissed.

                • Todd

                  Here is what Carrie saw in Big:

                  http://www.pagetutor.com/trillion/bill.jpg

                  Any questions?

                  • 321mena123

                    Todd is was more than that. Aiden was balling too. Remember, he bought her building. Also, her book deals were taking off.

                  • BreezyX2

                    Boooooooooooooooo!! Nonsense Todd. Carrie had her own money and was content with her life, home and friends. It was the love life aspect that was her issue. She didn’t need Big for his money.

                    • Sahel

                      Nah,she was a writer. She was after the money

                    • BreezyX2

                      I know that she was a writer but I recall her having her own apartment, a steady job, designer clothing, shoes, bags etc. and I only remember one episode where there was something about credit debt but otherwise she was self sufficient.

                    • Sahel

                      Simple math. Can you afford all that stuff on a writers salary

                    • BreezyX2

                      I am not familiar with writers and their salary scale so…..

                    • Shamira

                      1) her life was completely impractical for the realities of NYC. She was a columnist for a local newspaper in the east village yet had a huge 1 bedroom (for NY standards) , designer clothes and bags. Rent was AT LEAST 2Gs for that bedroom, even in the late 90s.

                      2) even in her unfeasible reality, she was still in massive credit card debt. when she lost her apartment in the breakup she was almost homeless.

                    • BreezyX2

                      Thanks Shamira :) I guess I really missed a lot. But even still I don’t feel she was with Big just for the money.

                    • Rachmo

                      Carrie didn’t have her own money until Season 5. I just rewatched the episode where she badgered Charlotte into lending her money to buy her apartment.

                    • BreezyX2

                      Say what nah…what?!?!?

                    • Rachmo

                      YES GIRL. The episode where Carrie yelled at Charlotte for not offering to lend her money when she broke up with Aiden and had to buy her apartment. She was broke at 35.

                    • WIP

                      Iono- not being able to buy new york apartment =/= broke. I know there was an episode where she applied for a loan and she essentially said she was broke though. But Carrie was always dating men with money. Big wasn’t special.

                    • Rachmo

                      They said how much she had in her savings/checking account and I was shocked. At 35 with designer bags you’d think your savings would be over $1,000 but it wasn’t. It wasn’t that she was broke but her priorities were crazy. She could only sustain her lifestyle if she dated someone well off.

                    • Sahel

                      Stop jumping around the bush.she had a miners hat and a pick axe

                    • Corey Stovall

                      Shots fired???

                    • 321mena123

                      True. When Maranda told her she had $40,000 worth of shoes in her closet and nothing in her bank account. I actually saw where Carrie was coming from though and i saw where Charlotte was coming from.

              • Shamira

                What makes it even sadder is that the show had the women in their 30s…like, youre 30+ and you havent figured out that lingering around for a man with a big wallet and d*ck to match but absolutely nothing else isn’t worth it? She ruined Aidan for the next woman. I will hate Carrie forever for that.

                • Rachmo

                  That’s what grinds my gears. I’d do the same things she did at 22 but at 35 I’d hope I had grown up enough to know better.

            • b sweet

              Carrie never loved Aiden. Poor Aiden was looking for love in all the wrong places.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            *so lost when people start reminiscing about SITC*

            • Rachmo

              Val I have seriously considered giving you access to my HBO2Go account so you can make this happen. The only thing holding me back is that they are on TBS. Do this for us!

              • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                Lol. I’ll take a look at a few episodes.

              • Shamira

                The TBS versions of SITC pale in comparison because they have to cut out so much. If it’s your first time viewing Val, don’t do it to yourself. Go for the real deal!

                • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                  Okay.

            • WIP

              SATC is classic pop culture. You need to know these things, lol.

              • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                Certainly looks that way. Lol.

        • BreezyX2

          I was addicted to that show because of the Big Carrie story line and the outfits.

          • Todd

            I liked SATC for the inside New York jokes they threw into every episode. A good chunk of the show was a satire of the stereotypical Manhattanite lifestyle, and it was fun to watch.

        • 321mena123

          And then left her at the alter!!! She loved being hurt.

  • Mimiluv

    Yes! I totally feel you on this. And that’s all I have to say.

  • nillalatte

    “You ever notice that when you have any sort of feelings for somebody, hugs are awkward”
    h*ll yes. When does that feeling end? sigh.

    “that person that we truly love even if there isn’t anything more that can come of it.”
    yeah, I never thought I’d be on that merry-go-around tho.

    If I were in a relationship, no, I’d have to let this person go on about his merry way. Too many conflicting feelings for me. I’m too loyal to the person I’m with to be playing the field when I’m truly into that person. When I try to make him the past, the past creeps back in, about once every two weeks! Maybe this time tho, we are done for good. Once we had a falling out and I thought for sure it was done. Then six months later, up jumped the devil. This past weekend we had a bit of a tiff, but nothing major. I said I was visiting again in two weeks and he took that to mean that I was going back to see him. I told him (in my ghetto party girl voice) “Ain’t nobody coming to see you!” (side eye is you crazy stare here). He claimed he had been put on time-out. Yes, ninja, you and I both need to be in time-out because this whatever it is can’t be healthy. I prefer to leave the past in the past and move on, cutting my losses and all ties like a tumbleweed in the wind.

  • h.h.h.

    from the way you expressed this….i’d have to say…no. never experienced it.

    because that initial love, initial affection, same attraction has to be a mutual thing.

    I’ll sit in the back and take notes, on a rather illogical occurrence.

    it truly is a miracle if your favorite person actually becomes the one you love.

    • Trip

      It’s no longer a miracle when you have that breakup after being with the “one” and trying to figure out how it all went wrong. Way too easy for the mind to play tricks on you! The closest I’ve gotten to my miracle woman was a former friend who was married at 19, way before we met. I had to cut it off out of respect to her and her family.

    • panamajackson

      i agree with that last line.

  • Corey Stovall

    Ehhh….I’m going to jump out on a limb here and say this is more common is women. I don’t have anything like this by a long stretch. If I’m into a woman like that either I’m going for it and winning or I’m going for it and getting shot down. I’m not a fan of unsolved problems. My brain won’t accept the unknown.

    • Yoles

      @Corey… hey you still on the east coast? what happened to you coming to nyc?!?! ninjas always blowing smoke.. hmpf

      • Corey Stovall

        I’m back in TN Yolie baby. I’ve been down here for a year and some change but I’m thinking its time to hop back on the road again

    • panamajackson

      In the movie they’d both moved on, but they clearly still loved each other, and they were okay with the moving on.

  • Jay

    You DO still have that walk… and I don’t even know what that means. http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/misc/brian-fantana-kittypur.gif

    • http://www.saysmeblog.wordpress.com/ Aly

      Oh, you know what it means. (S/N – That gif is mesmerizing)

    • scsilk

      I never even knew he had noticed it before. Go figure.