If You Ever See What Looks To Be A Dead Possum On The Ground, Leave That Zombie Possum The Fuck Alone » VSB

Featured, Theory & Essay

If You Ever See What Looks To Be A Dead Possum On The Ground, Leave That Zombie Possum The Fuck Alone

iStock

 

They say that the best way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plans. I generally agree with this; the universe and His intentions for it are too incomprehensible for mortal understanding. But I do know, with one hundred thousand trillion percent certainty, that God’s plan for me does not involve me seeing a dead possum, turning that dead possum over, searching for that dead possum’s pussy, cracking open that dead possum’s pussy with my finger, and peering into it to see if there are a hatch of possum babies ready to lurch out of the not-actually-dead-at-all possum’s pussy.

PETA, apparently, disagrees. As they recently tweeted that you could possibly save a zombie possum’s life by doing this.

Yes, you read that correctly. PETA wants actual human beings to run up on a racist-ass MAGA zombie possum (Yes, possums are racist as fuck. When was the last time you saw one at a Black Lives Matter march? Exactly.) and massage its snatch with the hope that a dozen ghastly possum ghouls will burst out and eat you. I’ve lived 38 years of life without caressing a zombie possum’s clitoris with the hope that the contents of the possum’s vageen will spring to life and bite me to death, and I fully intend on spending the rest of my days either A) avoiding possibly dead possums that are just playing possum because that’s what possums fucking do is play possum or B) seeing a possibly dead possum and saying “There’s a dead possum right there” and continuing with the rest of my life; resisting the urge to fingerbang it. Maybe I’ll even check my FitBit. Which means I’d have to buy a FitBit. Someone buy me a FitBit so I’ll have something to do immediately after hurdling over any zombie possums I happen to see.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Mel

    I can’t un-see this, so gross, so, so so so gross. shudders…

  • As VSB’s bumpkin emeritus just stay the heII away from possums. They will be okay.

    They along with Raccoons are vicious little garbage eaters. Think of them as smarter Sean Spicers.

    • I don’t understand how I see all these videos of people making pets of racoons. Every raccoon I’ve met has bee vicious and mean. There was one territorial one when I was living in country that was straight up commiting genicide on the stray cat population.

      • I don’t get it. They’ll hurt dogs too.

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        Raccoons and not to be eff’d with.

        • malaentuvida

          https://youtu.be/V1xAvx4bWHE

          This is all I think of when I even hear the word “raccoon”

          • All I see here is a man catching rabies.

          • ckyjeans

            Bruuuh I’m crying. The way the raccoon comes back to attack him. The amount of force you can see him put into swinging the broom in his shadow. lmao.

          • BrownKitty289

            Still Hilarious!!!

      • Keisha

        Racoons are damn smart and they have people hands, never trust a trash panda

        • kingpinenut

          *nods very slowly*

          Them fuggamukkas can and do open doors, trash can lids, etc….

          • Keisha

            I think it was last summer? Toronto city hall had a press conference to debut a new raccoon proof garbage bin…

        • Robert Dotson

          Trash Panda…..D.E.A.D.

          • Outside of Rocket I don’t like Raccoons but I find this picture oddly cute.

        • BrothasKeeper

          That sounds like an animal slur. PETA gonna send you a letter citing species racism.

          • Keisha

            The mess they make when they get into a garbage bin, I was being generous

        • Gibbous

          Yeah, opposable thumbs are a B**ch when you’re trying to keep things licked up. I’m a nature lover, but racoons are vermin!

      • Lady Legasus

        We got them both here in Brooklyn. A squad of possums took over my neighbor’s car. They decided to hand out on top of it for about a week and every time she went to drive it they reared up on their hind legs and hissed at her. She had to finally hose them mfers off to drive her own damn car. They’re vicious.

        • I_AmU

          If this happened during the day those thangs were rabid. Them and raccoons are nocturnal. Be afraid. Very afraid. Used to work the 3rd shift at Mt. Sinai Hospital. When I’d come out for fresh air onto Madison Ave next to Central Park there were the biggest raccoons I’d ever seen. It would meander from one trash container that was made of stone to the other. It would climb all the way in.

          • Blueberry01

            Facts. NY stay having wildlife on steroids. Rats as big as cats. Squirrels ready to fight you if you get too close to their pinecone.

            • I_AmU

              I see no lie here.

            • Junegirl627

              Yo I tried to feed a squirrel a nut and he looked at me like bih where the beans rice and Italian bread like me Sanchez toss me errrrday?

        • RaeRae

          That sounds like some down south possums. Just rude!!

        • Junegirl627

          I’m in BK too and I walked up on one and just paused. The raccoon look at me and hissed at me so I said “nikka! I don’t want any problems this side walk is all you” I backed up crossed the street and kept moving. I don’t respect the block gangsters that way

      • Cheech
    • Val

      Raccoons are Satan’s spawn.

      • Young Olu

        I’m not proud of this but i’ve actually eaten raccoon meat (wifey’s folks are from Alabama and apparently this is a thing) and it tasted much better than expected.

        • Val

          Tastes like chicken?

          • Young Olu

            naa more like roasted rabbit meat

            • GenevaGirl

              Which tastes like chicken.

              • Kat

                Exactly

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          Tastes like chicken??

        • Siante?

          How does one prepare racoon meat? Was it baked, broiled, fried, etc.?

    • Lego

      Once, I heard a ruckus out back so I walked out my backdoor to check it out. A squad of raccoons were in a stand off with a possum and her babies. All the animals turned their dead eyes on me and gave me the, “You ain’t seen NOthin nicca…” look until I backed back into my house closed all the doors.

      • Stop snitchin’, B!

      • BrothasKeeper

        It’s real in these streets. Run up, get done up.

      • B-Dot Willz

        That didn’t concern you.Stay outta their buisness

      • Kat

        Gangsta…Crips n Bloods ain’t got nothing on raccoons and possums.

      • Ms. Odessa

        Did you lock said doors?!

        • Lego

          And stayed away from the windows, I ain’t about that rabies life!

      • Mochasister

        Snitches get stitches!

      • Mary Burrell

        Gangstas in the animal kingdom ?

    • DG

      One of the craziest things i saw while in O’burg…was driving home from work and saw a guy walking down the street with two full-size raccoons draped around his neck…it would’ve been one thing if they were dead and he had a rifle on his back (not uncommon thing to see in SC), but them jokers were full-grown and active. Yet one of several crazy memories I have of life in the burg.

      • Outside of random acts of violence at Waffle Houses or gas stations that may be THEE most O’burg sh*t I’ve ever heard of.

  • If you hypothetically did this (narrowly avoided sending a possum to the Pearly Gates two weeks ago driving from Memphis), then wouldn’t the babies become prey to whatever predators are lurking around?

    • kingpinenut

      Circle of Life Simba

  • Val

    Plus, dead possums aren’t always dead, I mean that’s why there’s a saying, “playing possum”. And also, eff PETA.

    • Exactly, they are just doing Possum sh*t.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      I have made working PETA’s nerves a personal life goal.

    • kingpinenut

      *pulls out some candied bacon*

      Nomtastical

    • JBusy

      A few months ago while driving I saw a possum wiggling it’s arms, trying to drag itself to the sidewalk…it was also torn nearly in half with guts, blood, etc. etc. Traumatized me…

      • Sweet Potato Kai ?

        I’ve seen that before. My daughter and I were both amused though.

      • Val

        And now I’m traumatized. Lol Thanks.

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        And you felt the need to share this?

        • JBusy

          Sharing is the first step to healing.

  • ckyjeans

    I was not expecting to see something so horrifying this morning. Body horror films pale in comparison.

  • Detroit Skater

    straight up white people ish! who does that?! what in the entire ellh?!!! I had to scroll right on pass the pic. WTF?! white people…smh!

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    Let me see how many different ways I can say this.

    Non
    Nee
    Na
    Nej
    Nein
    Nem
    Nai
    Nedda
    Net
    Nao

    Just…HAYELL no!

  • Courtney Wheeler

    http://media3.giphy.com/media/uILS8Hat0PqAo/giphy.gif
    I can’t look at that photo anymore…and yes I agree with Val…f-Peta…they’re awful.

  • Hugh Akston

    No…why?

    They lost their minds

  • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

    I hear they aren’t bad roasted with potatoes on the side, but that is probably just the Arkansas in me talking.

    • I have a long bucket list of animals I want to eat before falling to dust. Possum ain’t one of them.

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        I’ve never tried and even my father when he was growing up only ate the potatoes that were roasted with it.

    • Val

      Bon appetit. I’ll stick with steak and potatoes.

    • Young Olu

      raccoon meat isn’t bad doe

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        Now you just making up shid (or at least I pray you are)

    • I know people that eat them. I won’t. Squirrel is good though.

More Like This