Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

If Women Ruled The Dating World, Would Monogamy Still Exist?

There were a ton of very insightful, articulate, and even soul-bearing comments left in yesterday’s “Where’s The Love?: Making sense of our dating and mating malaise”, but one reply in particular stayed with me for the rest of the day.

From Scipio Africanus:

“When women are free to date as they wish, they wind up all gravitating to the same 3 – 7% of the male population. If they can’t get those guys, they just drop out of the dating market altogether.

This is why monogamy was even created by societies in the first place.

When women have their way, the vast majority of people, male and female, get completely left out in the cold. Monogamous marriage essentially forces women to accede to some dude, somewhere out there. If a dude can’t pull a woman, he’s going to drop out of society too. Work hard and innovate to make money? What for? He ain’t got no kids. Take up arms to defend his homeland from threats? Yeah right – he’s not vested in it in the first place.

Like you mentioned yesterday, most women are completely underwhelmed by the vast majority of guys they encounter or know. I’m still uncertain as to why that is, but it’s the root of everything.

While I don’t agree with the numbers he cited –I think 7% to 10% is a bit more accurate than 3 to 7% — and the moral arbiter/monogamy promoter in me doesn’t want to believe what Scipio said is true, proof of this phenomenon’s existence can be seen on any college campus; the perfect control group as it’s the only place in America where groups of sexually viable people are forced to live together, have no real concerns about food, shelter, or safety, and have a relatively large amount of sexual freedom and choice.

And, as anyone who’s ever lived on campus will tell you, regardless of what school you’re at, the campus sexual dynamics usually play out the exact same way: a small percentage of the men (10%?)¹ have sole access to a much larger percent of the women (35%?), 40% of the men and 40% of the women are in monogamous relationships with each other, and the remaining 25% of women completely drop out of the dating game, leaving the remaining 50% of men to take out their sexual frustrations on gaming message boards and intramural ultimate frisbee tournaments.

Once these people leave the college universe and are forced to enter the real world, though, monogamy and marriage pressure starts to enter the fray. This finally gives Dragon Ball Z Zachary a realistic chance at finding a mate, which is absolutely fantastic for all of us because there’s absolutely nothing more damaging to the well-being of a society than an abundance of perpetually sexually frustrated men. (Why? Well, perpetually sexually frustrated men kill random people, and occasionally kill random people in bulk)

I wonder, though: if women had complete sexual choice autonomy and weren’t constrained by moral and societal pressure to be in monogamous relationships, would the “real” world be exactly like a college campus — with more relationship and family-minded women making the conscious decision to be in a polygamist relationship/marriage with a high status/high earning man instead of a monogamous relationship with a “mediocre to below-average” joe? I know it’s a hard concept to wrap your mind around, but while I know all women don’t feel this way, there are many women who value security (for themselves and their offspring) a bit more than they value the idea of having a man all to themselves. In this sense, one seven figure earning man can support 10 women easier than one $50,000 a year guy can support one.

Thoughts?

¹Although these numbers were pulled directly out of my ass, I do think they’re accurate rough assessments

—The Champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Maximillian

    One, one, one, one! *diddy bops*

    In one of those black consciousness books that I read in the 90s– either ‘Black men, Single? Obsolete? Dangerous?’ or ‘In Search of Goodpu**y,’ I can’t remember which– polygamy was offered as a solution to save the race, so this is not without some credibility, as far as that goes.

    It would work in theory, like communism. In practice, however, greed works better. Someone will eventually get tired of sharing. Everything.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “It would work in theory, like communism. In practice, however, greed works better. Someone will eventually get tired of sharing. Everything”.

      like i mentioned in the post, i dont think it would be the women tired of sharing that we’d have to worry about, it would be the men left out in the cold

      • Yeah…So

        ” i dont think it would be the women tired of sharing that we’d have to worry about, it would be the men left out in the cold”

        What makes you think we’re cool/would be cool with sharing y’all, sexual autonomy or not?

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          like i said in response to smart fox girl down thread, some women, in their actions, show that they’re already okay with sharing men. there’s a reason why 80 percent of the women who’ve lived on the planet have genetic heirs, while only 40 percent of the men do. for as long as we’ve been here, the concept of man-sharing has been here too.

          not everybody has to be on board, but if enough women are on board, that skews things for everyone

          • Yeah…So

            But that’s the thing… you need more people.

          • WIP

            This fact that women have more genetic heirs doesn’t mean those women *wanted* to *share* their men. This seems like a huge assumption.

            • Scipio Africanus

              But it goes back to the college campus example, which I’m guessing may of us saw happen up close.

              • CrisisCore

                Agreed. Goin through it right now.

            • Corey

              But it does speak to the fact that a smaller group of men are desired by a larger group of women. As always!

      • http://www.cloud10lv.com LV (Resident Thug)

        This is a very interesting concept, I don’t know how it would go in practice though I know way too many people who SIDE EYE shows like Big Love but I also think of being from the Bahamas, where many women are knowingly living the concept you wrote about. Many of them do it quietly knowing their man is stepping out, with another family he’s supporting. So I think a lot of women idealize monogamy but somewhere along the way they acquiesce to the fact that they have to share their man and hence people like my aunt forgive and go back.

        So this concept isn’t as alien as some may think.

        • IET

          This speaks to my family almost too well. My grandfather is a perfect example of this. He had 35 (he’s from the islands as well) kids with four different woman. Raised and supported all the families. My grandmother was the first “mistress”/second family. My ideas on monogamy have always been more flexible as a result. So I agree with your sentiments champ. People have been, currently and will continue to share their mates. The question is how open and honest will people be about it.

          I also don’t think women are the only ones sharing, men share their girls too. The women that do step out, are better at hiding it because they have to.

          • Cali

            THIRTY FIVE… that’s A LOT… its even more mind boggling that they came from just FOUR women… I have to go rest my head now…

      • DocFoxy

        I’m all late, but I heard a very interesting commentary on Polygamy in Africa on NPR earlier this year. The woman speaking shared that a result of the “Christianizing” of parts of Africa was the decrease in polygamy and an increase in prostitution. She said that polygamy in that society was beneficial to the women- as, like was said, a rich man can support many women/families- and the lack of it has sent women looking for other ways to support themselves. I know that I couldn’t do polygamy myself, but that discussion really made me reconsider the institution and look at it in another light.

      • http://sexatdawn.com Christopher Ryan

        A college campus isn’t really the best place to look for this scenario. Instead, look at societies where women are freer to have sex and don’t have to worry about securing male provisioning for kids. You can also look at bonobos, one of our closest primate relatives, which are female-dominated and very, very sexual. We talk about this issue extensively in our book (Sex at Dawn, see link). In short, where women are free, far more men get laid than where women’s sexuality is constrained.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Yup. I am not a sharer lol. I can do it temporarily but sharing my husband and our resources with some other broads who have like 4 kids each? Nope. Not me.

    • msbsmith

      Slightly off-topic but I love that ‘Black men, Single? Obsolete? Dangerous?’ or ‘In Search of Goodpu**y are names of black consciousness books lol.

      (Ok that’s completely off-topic but it amused me).

  • juicyjui

    Hmm… interesting post. Anyway I’m going to go ahead and upgrade your 7 – 10% to 15 – 20%. Now, that that’s corrected, on to your questions, forgive the ramblings, I’m on a finals study break.

    I don’t think if the real world = college women would automatically go into polygamist relationships. You have to have a certain mindset to be in a polygamous relationship and most people just don’t have it. You have to be willing to share and that not something most people are good at. In general I feel like the only thing that could probably transfer from college world to the real world would be the willingness to have casual and/or friends w/benefits relationships.

    I feel like sometimes women only have high standards but in reality they end up ‘settling’ all the time. While I agree with some parts of Scorpio’s statement, in the end I just don’t think the main problem with dating is that women have stopped settling. I think the problem is that people don’t really prioritize finding a partner as much as they did before.

    In the past, it seemed like it was more about finding someone compatible and then sticking with them. Now we have choices, women have school and work to think about and so the amount of focus on dating has decreased. Although we read about it about dating/relationships all the time, the fact is women aren’t being raised solely for marriage/children anymore and so that immense focus on finding someone has been lost.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “In general I feel like the only thing that could probably transfer from college world to the real world would be the willingness to have casual and/or friends w/benefits relationships.”

      thing is, even in those types of relationships, the same dynamic plays out a bit, as you’ll wind up with a few guys who all have multiple women in their sexual stable, while each of those women are only sleeping with that one guy.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      “You have to have a certain mindset to be in a polygamous relationship and most people just don’t have it.”

      That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. What “type” of woman would be okay with sharing a man? Is that the norm?
      Hell no. I know men love to think most would be down for that but I beg to differ…especially Black women. We have way too much pride and strength to be that weak minded.

      “I feel like sometimes women only have high standards but in reality they end up ‘settling’ all the time”
      Absolutely. Most women don’t marry their “dream man”. In college, everything is great. Once you hit the real world, people age and then comes experience and more wisdom.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. What “type” of woman would be okay with sharing a man? Is that the norm?”

        through their actions, there are a ton of women who seem to be perfectly ok with this. how else do you think some men are able to have 10 or 15 mistresses that are fully aware of him having a wife, or guys like antonio cromartie and santonio holmes who are able to impregnate multiple women — women all fully aware that the other women and children exist?

        again, this isnt the majority of women, but enough to make a dent

        • WIP

          LMAO!!! Did you see him on the video trying to remember all the damn kids he had- and I think 4 of them were same age right?? Nasty.

        • Yeah…So

          “again, this isnt the majority of women, but enough to make a dent”

          Umm no Champ, not really… not in the VSBS majority… I’m not sure how many of those women are educated, secure in themselves, mature, fairly independent (by circumstance, cause Lord knows I don’t want to be… I digress)… heyll even have all of their teeth. I won’t lie… when I was younger, had less experience, less love for self, less education and less understanding of my worth I could have easily been in that same bracket… baby mam #385… but, I’m not and don’t believe most of the women on here are so… what’s the point of this post again? #noshotsfired :D

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “Umm no Champ, not really… not in the VSBS majority… I’m not sure how many of those women are educated, secure in themselves, mature, fairly independent (by circumstance, cause Lord knows I don’t want to be… I digress)… heyll even have all of their teeth. I won’t lie… when I was younger, had less experience, less love for self, less education and less understanding of my worth I could have easily been in that same bracket… baby mam #385… but, I’m not and don’t believe most of the women on here are so… what’s the point of this post again? #noshotsfired :D”

            if you read all of the comments today, you’ll see that there are a few women here who’ve publicly stated that they might be ok with this type of arrangement. just because you don’t feel a certain way doesn’t mean that every other women agrees with you.

            and, the point of this post is to ask and consider outside the box questions and situations. whats the point of calling this site “very smart brothas” if we always just focus on “easy” concepts and questions?

            • Yeah…So

              if you read all of the comments today, you’ll see that there are a few women here who’ve publicly stated that they might be ok with this type of arrangement.
              -So I went and read some of the other comments. You’re right there are some women who would possibly subscribe, but there are not many… wouldn’t even say a hand full and they themselves didn’t even say if women were in control we would live in a polygamist society… they pretty much said they would be open to it… meaning even they recognize they are the minority.

              just because you don’t feel a certain way doesn’t mean that every other women agrees with you.
              -Champ really? I know this and if my matter of factly way of saying things is the reason behind this statement then… I’m sorry you are confused… I didn’t say everyone agreed with me. hmph… take that back!

              whats the point of calling this site “very smart brothas” if we always just focus on “easy” concepts and questions?
              -I guess that was my point… this just seems like an easy HEYLL NO!… *shrug* still <3 you tho.

            • Rick

              Seriously, how many women who are ok with sharing men, being mistresses, sleeping with married men, having a cut buddy who they KNOW have other cut buddies, sleeping with men who are in relationships…………HOW many of those women who are actively or have been in in that situation will HONESTLY tell that to the world? Not many. Most will do it and keep quiet about it, then try to sound all self righteous when these topics emerge.

              We all know women will lie to save face, so using those who admit to being involved in those situations isn’t correct, because MOST wouldn’t.

              • Yeah…So

                So are you saying more women would get down with poly or no?

              • whykendra

                a lot of woman are in polygamous relationships. every woman who ever thought monica’s sideline ho was some type of anthem, for starters. a lot of women… A LOT A LOT of women (and men i guess, im not one and dont hang out with many) are willing to stay in a relationship when their S.O. is stepping out. for a myriad of different reasons ranging from “she just a ho im his wifey” to “i have a car payment due next week”

                i know that sounds f*cked up. in fact im shaking my head as I write this. but everybody knows a handful of women who (by their passive actions) are in a polygamous relationship.

              • http://www.cloud10lv.com LV (Resident Thug)

                Yeah not many women will admit it but many endure that struggle like it or not I have seen that shit at various levels in my own family from my grand parents straight down to my aunts and cousins man.

                Some of the women stayed, most stayed.. some left.

                Is it the exception or the norm?

              • Frdouble

                “Most will do it and keep quiet about it, then try to sound all self righteous when these topics emerge.”

                Exactly, many women have dated the guy who said “I’m not ready for a relationship”. You think you’re the only one he’s saying that to right before you spoon on the couch and watch love jones. Please! That’s definitely sharing. But we try to justify the behavior by saying we’re not ready either.

          • Qozmic

            y..S, I think you are foolin yourself if you think being educated, independent or any other socially constructed layer of stratification defines who falls into this choice. As Champ notes below, several women on HERE have said they might be willing to consider it… and I personally know a couple of VERY educated, financially independent women of fortunate social class who are involved in EXACTLY this kind of arrangement…

            I’m just sayin… it ain’t black and white.

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          Yes but you have to acknowledge that “type” of woman is not the norm. I wouldn’t even say “tons”..some yes but not enough to make a comment that if women ruled, we would choose polygamy over monogamy. If that mistress had a choice, I doubt she would want to share. She shares because she either wants the guy that badly or doesn’t value herself to walk away. It’s hardly a preference. I’m sorry but this whole notion is ridiculous to me.

          • Yeah…So

            Will you get out my brain already! GOODNESS! lol

          • whykendra

            it kind of is the norm based off actions. which in the end send a stronger message than spoking ideals. one could outright say i would never be into polygamy and be in a relationship that they know is not monogoamous on the other end. but they look the other way (this happens very often and we all know it!) because other things outweigh their interest more so than monogamy.

            and i dont think he is saying we would all actively pursue polygamous relationship. i understood it as: based on the proportions of certain women gravitating to certain men, it would eventually become a primarily polygamist society.

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              I see your breakdown but I still disagree with it being the norm. There’s a bunch of altier motives and commitment in any form usually isn’t of them. It’s often love and acceptance. When women accept cheating from a man (which is rare because how many truly accepts it) it’s out of hope for the future that he will choose her. If we speak from the heart, we don’t like to share…no one, man or woman. Also, because most women gravitate towards a certain man, attractive, powerful and wealthy, doesn’t necessarily mean we would become “polygamist”, it means that others would settle, like we are doing now because no one wants to be lonely. So basically to cut my rambling, it would end up exactly the same type of society when it comes to relations.

          • legitimate_soul

            I totally agree. I don’t wanna share and I’m not cool with doing so.

            • legitimate_soul

              I refuse to knowingly share my man. Heyall to that naw.

        • ABW

          You’re assuming those mistresses are okay with that situation indefinitely. I can almost guarantee you that they are hoping to eventually change the man into one who wants to be monogamous with them (the eternal flaw of most women–thinking they can change a man), even though its completely illogical and NOT going to happen, or, in the case of famous/rich men, want to have a baby-turned-support for life (after which they can leave the relationship but still maintain the bank deposit).

          You’ll be hard pressed to find a woman who is cool with that situation indefinitely. I think its less about an opposition to sharing and more about wanting to feel special/like you have something special with someone that no one else has. It would take quite a persuasive person to convince x amount of women that they’re all special to him when he’s trying to know them all biblically for life.

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            YES! That’s the reason why some women may agree to be with a man who is taken…because deep down she is hoping he will leave his wife for her. I thought this was common sense but I guess it’s not.

            • whykendra

              yeah deep down.

              but how relevant is ‘deep down’?

              • legitimate_soul

                It’s releveant because it’s never deep enough and comes to the surface.

          • whykendra

            “It would take quite a persuasive person to convince x amount of women that they’re all special to him when he’s trying to know them all biblically for life”

            oh so you’ve met…Man!

      • Scipio Africanus

        “We have way too much pride and strength to be that weak minded.”

        This is a result of enculturation.

        When we were a new species and trying to keep from being eaten by lions on the East African plain, it was a different thing.

        Monogamy was an idea that developed over time and through species-wide experiences.

      • Eddie Brock

        I disagree. Want proof that women [black or other races] are cool with man sharing? Sit home one morning and watch the paternity themed Maury shows. You’ll have several “Shaniqua Jacksons” to one “Ty-Shaw-un Jefferson” talmbout “he know he my baby daddy, now pay me!”
        And i totally agree about how most women skew things. Pretty sure that was in some Chris Rock routine about how when a man introduces his girl to his boys, the guy will say “I want a girl just like her”. But when it’s the opposite, the girl will say, “I want HIM” [i.e. your man].

        • juicyjui

          But that’s the thing, women might want your man but they don’t want to share him. If women were actually polygamous they wouldn’t be asking another woman to leave their baby daddy alone, instead they would understand that the man has multiple women and that’s they way it is.

          Like someone mentioned earlier, women, in general, are willing to be mistresses because they believe in the end that they will have the man. It’s very rare that you see wives, mistresses and husbands all coexisting happily together.

          • Scipio Africanus

            But that’s because we live in a society where overt polgamy is discouraged.

            This thought experiment is about taking that restriction away and imagining how things would go.

            • Sula

              This thought experiment is about taking that restriction away and imagining how things would go.

              And I thought that was the point, wasn’t it? Lol. When did it get to what’s happening now… or not?

          • whykendra

            not rare at all. (unless if by coexisting you mean living together.) a lot of people have that arrangement. YOU just dont know about it.

            • juicyjui

              But not willingly. It seems as if the women who do make that arrangement are doing it to keep the man. But if women ruled the world and I suppose created the dating standards, I don’t think it would be acceptable.

      • Mo-VSS

        Just like most men don’t marry their dream woman. I think the word “settling” has been so negatively ingrained in us that we all think we need/deserve the BEST…but the BEST is never objective. The best for me may not be the best for someone else, and vice versa.

        So folks need to get out of this mindset that Boris, Idris and Lance, (or Halle, Nia and Beyonce) are gonna show up to their door bearing gifts and wanting a relationship. Not to say that beautiful people don’t need love, but if beauty is the standard by which folks are measuring what’s “best” then MOST of us would be out in the cold (well, not me, but you know…other folks, lol)

        And I agree that with age comes wisdom (usually) and what you liked, valued and wanted in college changes. With that said, the best for you in college may not cut it for you in the real world, where you pay bills, raise kids, desire intimacy over hook-ups, etc.

      • Qozmic

        Hmmm… SFG, I’m not sure I would characterize that choice necessarily as ‘weak minded’. That’s a little judgmental. Mind you, I’m not advocating one way or the other. Personally, having been married twice, I’m not sure why ANY man would want more than one wife… one is quite difficult enough. Especially, if you don’t have your maturity together.

        But just like religion, just because it’s not for me, I try not to cast aspersions on the choices of others. Maybe they genuinely know something I don’t. I feel the same about people that choose the whole polygamy thing. It’s foreign and a little inconceivable to me, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work for people who click that way.

        • SmartFoxGirl

          I’m sorry but I don’t think politically correct or fair. I pass judgements just like everybody else…whether I say it outloud, type it or think it.

          • Qozmic

            Fair enough… and points for being honest.

            But still…. that’s not an automatic, “get outta being a douche free card”…
            (that mighta been a little over the line…sorry.)

            I’m just sayin…

  • http://emdottie.com EmDottie

    Marriage and all that isn’t very high on my ‘To-Do List of Life’ in the first place so I’m probably not the one to answer this question but I will anyway… I’m done with finals, I got some times on my hands lol.

    (I have my own reservations about marriage but I won’t go into that here.)

    Being a college student and having friends in college I know a good amount who plan on getting married and starting a family but of course they want someone on the same level as them, or rather with the same mindset and on the same track.
    I find it frustrating that it seems as if women have to settle in order to find ‘happiness’ because they’re supposed to marry and have children blah blah blah (so says society).

    I’ll step down from my feminist soap box.

    All I’m saying is, our focus has shifted. We’s equals now (for the most part) ! So now instead of focusing on being pregnant and barefoot we’re focusing on MBA’s and CFA’s and being the CEO or CFO. We traded marriage and kids for degree’s and careers.

    I think if the mindset of college women were transferred over to the real world, there would be a lot less monogamous relationships. At least that’s how I feel.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      so you’re saying that more women would just drop out of the dating and mating game completely?

      • http://emdottie.com EmDottie

        No not completely, but it’d just be something extra to do. It’s nice to come home to somebody but their focus wouldn’t be on mating and whatnot. Not how it is nowadays.

  • Naomi

    if the real world were college, there better not be papers or finals! Regular tests I can deal with. Anywhooo I wouldn’t mind cuz I’d be one of the women in the 40%(though I think the number should be like 29% based on my campus life) that are in monogamous relationships. And some of the men in this group would still be sexually frustrated.

    I think a socialist approach to dating/relationships is better doe.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I think a socialist approach to dating/relationships is better doe.”

      i agree. monogamy is extremely beneficial for societies in general and men in particular

  • http://godmenandmoney.com Carmen

    “would the “real” world be exactly like a college campus”?

    Nope. Because those women who participated in polyamory in college grow up and find Beta Boys more and more attractive. I’m one of those women, and I wouldn’t touch those suckas I dated in college [most of em are still out here trying to stunt on h*es, *yawn*]

    An innate female yearning {for most} is to have a family…a by product of that is that communities are built. Society/moral rules don’t determine that, that’s basic biology.

    But, if women were only looking for ‘high-status’ dudes then your original question/argument would probably hold?

    But if a woman is looking for companionship, friendship, love, and family…she’ll open her love life to more possibilities and society would probably be more family oriented.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “An innate female yearning {for most} is to have a family…a by product of that is that communities are built. Society/moral rules don’t determine that, that’s basic biology. ”

      i agree with this. all i’m saying is that maybe more women would determine that it was more prudent to hatch on and create a family with a high status man, a man with a few other families, than to put all their eggs in a lower-status man’s basket.

      btw, if you haven’t read “straight scraps, how hot is that”, you should. it kind of deals with your first paragraph, but from a young male point of view

      • http://godmenandmoney.com Carmen

        “prudent to hatch on a high status man?”

        I guess if a woman’s main criteria was to have a family with a man who is a high earner [nothing else] that would make sense. I think that’s what a lot of us women would like down in our deepest parts, but most of us will let that go to have the right partner [w/o the extra families, lol]

        Will check that out thou, never heard of it.

  • ooh la la

    If I ruled the world. Imagine that. I’d free all my sons.

    • sanen85

      *sings* I love em, love em baby.

    • Shay

      Well played.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      black diamond and pearl deez

      • ooh la la

        haha. i knew it was coming.

  • nubinkween

    Darn it, I m way too socialized by societal morals and pressures to provide a real honest to God answer…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      drats!

  • http://acford.blogspot.com A.C. Ford

    I’m reminded of watching the show “Sister Wives” with my best friend and us looking at each other and saying, “Hey…that might actually work out.”

    I know that I am in a monogamous relationship and I truly love having my boyfriend all to myself, but I have to concede that comes from the societal implication of “love” being someone who puts you above EVERYTHING but God. I’m not sure that this is necessary as much as I just want to be able to say he’s all mine.

    The monogamy thing is more prescriptive than a natural inclination for me, I think. I’m happy in the situation I’m in, but I see how polygamy could work, and how, if I’m really honest, with the right people, it could work for me too.

    • nubiankween

      ….yea aren’t human beings born naturally selfish? Like when babies are hungry they cry, and they want food NOW, without any regard for what you are doing, where you are, or if food is readily accessible. When they want something your concerns are irrelevant.

      So if human beings are selfish since birth, does it mean they are less inclined to share? even their men? Is it society that pressure us to share? Because if it weren’t for morals, I would bet there would be a lot of maimed/cripppled broads walking around campus, because Sally took them out the game to ensure she got the man.

      • http://pecansuga.blogspot.com/ PecanSuga

        “….yea aren’t human beings born naturally selfish? Like when babies are hungry they cry, and they want food NOW, without any regard for what you are doing, where you are, or if food is readily accessible. When they want something your concerns are irrelevant.”

        I see your POV but I disagree because it seems to me that when babies cry because of hunger, its not them being selfish, its them letting their caregiver know that they have a basic NEED that needs to be met. I also belief that selfishness comes with maturity and that crying for food is a survival instinct. To me a baby letting you know that they need to be fed by crying because they aren’t able to get food themselves is different from a 20-something yr. old getting mad at his gf for not having dinner ready when she said it would be because he is completely capable of getting his own food. To me that would be a better description of selfishness.

        • whykendra

          i feel like selfishness does come with birth. mastering selfishness comes with maturity. most children exhibit a pure form of selfishness thats fun to watch at times. they cant distinguish between need and want all they know is its all about them.

          • Yeah…So

            No… we’re confusing selfishness with survival… a child crying because they’re hungry is them needing assistance and letting everyone around know “there is a problem here”… that’s not selfishness that’s survial… they depend on their mothers. Most people learn selfishness and selflessness at the same time… with maturity they learn to cling to one more than the other.

            • whykendra

              no, im not confusing it. young children dont really know how to seperate want from need. yes those wants come from needs (as do all wants) but they are selfish.

              crying to be held-necessity
              crying to be held all the time-want

              there is nothing wrong with that. i love babies! i dont think selfishness is a bad thing all the time. in fact some could even argue that one’s selfish wants NEED to be satisfied at a certain level in order for them to develop properly.

              • Yeah…So

                See I guess that’s where we see it differently because I always thought selfishness came from an awareness of someone else’s needs and wants and disregarding them for your own… children however I don’t even see as being aware, so they’re not disregarding our feelings, but they are completely oblivious to them and therefore… innocent and trying to survive based on what they understand.

          • Mo-VSS

            “i feel like selfishness does come with birth. mastering selfishness comes with maturity.”

            THIS…if we all started out in life selfless then you’d get less of the teachers telling students to “share.” It’d be innate.

            And having a need and wanting it met NOW is selfish. Babies are selfish. It sounds crazy, but it’s not. They don’t have the capacity to be anything other than selfish because they are dependant. And much to the same degree, women are dependant on men…here me out.

            We need men to make a baby. I don’t care if it’s ariticial insemination, a one night stand or marriage that creates a child, but BOTH parties are needed. If we could go it alone from conception to graduation, I’m sure some would choose to do so. But, the mere fact that we need them to create life makes us dependant on them in that area.

            Now, because we’re evolved, we (should) want to raise our kids in two parent households so they get the best start. It doesn’t always happen. When it doesn’t, women usually go after the men that helped them create that life for financial support.

            What does all that have to do with being selfish? If it was the case that we weren’t inherently selfish from birth, we’d just accept a man moving on and either find another one or huddle with our friend who has a good husband and hope that he’d take care of all of us. That’s not what we do…why? Because no one wants to be second or plan B for the sake of security alone. That’s not how we’re built and that’s what separates us from animals.

    • Jhane Sez

      “I’m reminded of watching the show “Sister Wives” with my best friend and us looking at each other and saying, “Hey…that might actually work out.””

      No I don’t think anyone would actually want to sign up for those dynamics.

      1st wife was the most attractive… only had one kid couldn’t have more, but wants to be a house wife.

      So she brings in 2nd wife, who becomes the husbands chubby side kick, who is fertile with good income potential… she isn’t a threat to the dynamic of hubby and wife 1.

      Wife 3 gets added to the fold to produce more offspring and do the house work and cooking as wife 1 is more interested in teaching duties and directing the household… she is also less attractive than wife 1.

      This dynamic goes along for 16 years and then husband decides he wants new wife #4 who is younger, thinner and brunette, the other wives are blond.

      The husband travels to court wife 4, she gets a full wedding… just a week after his anniversary with wife 1… and for her honeymoon she gets 10 days in a hotel hanging out on the beach while the other 3 got a 3 day drive to Montana to visit his folks.

      This is a heavily fractured dynamic that doesn’t leave room for the male to invest because he doesn’t have to… if one starts acting up he just goes to next.

      And it is always his option to add more.

      I also find it interesting that men typically don’t or won’t sign up for being one of several husbands. ~JS

      • Yeah*yeah*Yeah

        Very Interesting indeed JS…

        I wonder if somewhere on the globe, there are men that live that way and if so- I would want to know how and why.

        • Jhane Sez

          “I wonder if somewhere on the globe, there are men that live that way and if so- I would want to know how and why.”

          I think it is extremely, extremely rare… because sex is the goal for men and security is the goal for women.

          I have an older relative who went to Alaska when there was a woman shortage and she found that the men wanted sexual exclusivity in a competitive environment.

          She met and married a guy and now lives up there on a huge horse ranch with a bunch of kids… this was her dream.

          I do find it funny that men would think that polygamy would benefit brothas…

          The truth is that most women who agree do so to increase their security… not to get more sex… or are women who feel their options for companionship improve if she takes the time share.

          So it would seem to me that the a polygamous norm would actually make the top 10% guy even more attractive because he can afford to provide for multiple women and any children they may have.

          Which would decrease the pool even further for regular brothas.

          If you go to countries that commonly practice polygamy almost every woman has a husband but very few men have multiple wives… cause they can’t afford them.

          I think it might be a good thing in theory to get the non-monogamous male out of the monogamous dating pool.

          As an observation I think that there are guys who can have this type of relationship now… but the trouble starts when they try to convince a woman who is only interested in monogamy that this would be a good idea.

          What I do find interesting is that a lot of the replies encourage women to give brothas the benefit of more sex…

          But I haven’t heard what the benefit to sistas would be ~JS

          • Yeah*yeah*Yeah

            “I think it might be a good thing in theory to get the non-monogamous male out of the monogamous dating pool”

            To me, that’s a major problem.

            Somewhere, somehow some men (yes women do it too) believe that it’s okay to make a woman feel that she’s in a monogamous relationship and he’s practicing polygamy without her consent. :)

            “What I do find interesting is that a lot of the replies encourage women to give brothas the benefit of more sex…”

            I never knew that s*x was so d@rn important to men. Maybe it is to some women too, IDK.

            I do think it’s true to some degree that women give s*x to get love, and men give love to get s*x. I’m not sure it works out well under those conditions- hmmm!!!

            I think at some point women learn giving s*x does not guarantee love by any means!

          • Yeah…So

            But I haven’t heard what the benefit to sistas would be

            Sister-wife ain’t nothing but a low-budget way to say concubine and any that’s seen The Joy Luck Club knows that if you ain’t the first wife you ain’t sh!t… only the first wife gets some benefit which usely relates to her own insufficiencies (i.e. poppin out babies, cleaning, cooking etc etc)… all the other wife are just the help=no benefits (I was gonna say no Cobra, but actually since polygamy isn’t really recognized by law they prolly really don’t even get to benefit from their husbands insurance plan… damb)

            • Yeah…So

              eww…typo city.

          • Tx10inch

            My question about polygamy is, besides the obvious (endless hours of sex) why would ANY man want more than one wife?? You know how hard it can be to KEEP just ONE happy?!? Like my d*ck at 6am…extremely hard. That sh*t always baffles me when I watch shows like that. Is the control aspect of it combined with endless options for sex so powerful that makes a man want to have 20 kids with 8 women?? (no Antoino Cromartie)…and take care of them ALL???

            • Yeah…So

              take care of them ALL
              -That’s laughable… HE obviously doesn’t, the wives do. I’m pretty sure “Dad” is mirage in minds of his children… you see him there, but the possibilities of connecting are as real as your imagination.

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              Exactly. It’s hard to keep more than one woman happy. That’s why many of the polygamist relationships (I see on tv) the women are submissive and quiet. That’s the only type of woman that would make polygamy doable. Otherwise, there would be tons of fighting, etc.

              • Please, No Photos

                “It’s hard to keep more than one woman happy.”

                Hell, it’s hard to keep ONE woman happy…damn near impossible. :)

              • Qozmic

                Again… not necessarily disagreeing or agreeing, but would like to point out, …if you’re knowledge of something is from what you see on TV, …you’re not sufficiently informed to really have an opinion on it.

                I actually KNEW a couple of these kinds up couples over the years, and like monogamous relationships…some worked and some didn’t. And it didn’t seem to be slanted in favor of the women being submissive. In fact, I knew one couple/group where it was two women and several men all living as a family, and the head of the household was one of the women… They seemed pretty content, if a little scarily religious… they were uber-Christian, strangely enough. And white,…not sure if that mattered or not.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “I do find it funny that men would think that polygamy would benefit brothas…

            The truth is that most women who agree do so to increase their security… not to get more sex… or are women who feel their options for companionship improve if she takes the time share.

            So it would seem to me that the a polygamous norm would actually make the top 10% guy even more attractive because he can afford to provide for multiple women and any children they may have.

            Which would decrease the pool even further for regular brothas.”

            yeah, i tried to make this point in the post, but while a few would benefit, most men would see their reproductive chances decrease.

            also, to answer your other question, the benefit for women who choose these types of arrangements would be the promise of a secure household and future for themselves and their offspring. the 9am edit i made to the bottom of the post explains that concept a bit more

            • Jhane Sez

              “also, to answer your other question, the benefit for women who choose these types of arrangements would be the promise of a secure household and future for themselves and their offspring. the 9am edit i made to the bottom of the post explains that concept a bit more”

              thanks and sh*t ~JS

            • WIP

              I see this edit, but it still ain’t gonna fly. “Support” is more than financial. Not to mention having a lonely a$$ mother may not be a kid’s best option either.

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              “The truth is that most women who agree do so to increase their security… not to get more sex… or are women who feel their options for companionship improve if she takes the time share.”

              You can’t be serious. Are you for real today? Where did you hear this? Security? These women are jealous of one another and literally hate each other. Improving options? Wow, I love you, vsb and all that glitters but I’m shocked that you believe this. This has to be a joke to force commentary or something.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                “The truth is that most women who agree do so to increase their security… not to get more sex… or are women who feel their options for companionship improve if she takes the time share.”

                are you responding to me or jhane? asking because jhane’s the one who actually said this, but you replied to me.

              • Jhane Sez

                “You can’t be serious. Are you for real today? Where did you hear this? Security? These women are jealous of one another and literally hate each other. Improving options? Wow, I love you, vsb and all that glitters but I’m shocked that you believe this. This has to be a joke to force commentary or something.”

                Yes women who agree to share that I have met state that the benefit in doing so is that they have a greater level of security, feel they have more options regarding mates, or they think that if they agree to share he will stay.

                But as you pointed out these women don’t see around corners very well.

                They think they are above jealousy… when in fact they are slapped in the face with it… constantly ~JS

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                Oh I thought Champ said it. Jhane Sez is wise beyond belief :) but I have to disagree on that one…except this:
                “or they think that if they agree to share he will stay.”
                THIS is why I see women agree to be with a taken man. It’s out of hope that he will leave his wife for her. I don’t know any women who do it for security.

              • Yeah…So

                Yes women who agree to share that I have met state that the benefit in doing so is that they have a greater level of security, feel they have more options regarding mates, or they think that if they agree to share he will stay.
                -I don’t know about the rest of you, but a statement like that in itself sounds insecure to me.

              • Please, No Photos

                Monique seems to believe that if she shares he’ll stay. So far it appears to be working for her. We’ll see how it pans out for her. If it doesn’t, perhaps she’ll write a book to enlighten us.

          • http://theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

            Been watching your replies the past few weeks; just wanted to say I like the way you think.

            You are correct about you assessment to remove the non-monogamous guy (“stud”) from the monogamous pool. If you remove the stud, things usually level off. There will and has always been a few women who will still choose to be among his harem, but for the most part, it provides closure and certainty for everyone else to move on with their social lives. This plays out in life everyday: in middle school, the cool guys get to fool around with all the girls until they pick one, then, most girls back off (until he’s single again); In college, the athlete/rich guy/frat guy/handsome guy gets his pick of the litter within his social confines (i.e. on campus, the club scene, greek scene, etc.) until it becomes known that he has chosen one woman, then the rest usually back off.

            In the second scenario, the game of the cool guy has evolved. Notice, I used ‘social confines’ to determine his status among his peers. Well, what most intelligent macks/players/pimp-types will do, is simply change social environments, thus, if they have ‘chosen’ their woman within one setting, they move to another setting to garner their pick of the litter. For example, a handsome lawyer may have a long-term girlfriend that everyone within his social class knows about; yet, he still has women on the side, because they exist outside of this social class (i.e. shaniqua from the post office, becky from the gym, angelique from the latin club, etc.) and of course, a few low-esteem having women from within his social class.

            Guys struggle to convince women to ascribe to the dynamic, thus, why those who succeed are lauded with praise & admiration; however, Mack’s are getting smarter, and when they do what I just described above (as has been the past few years) monogamy (true monogamy) for that 10% that is so coveted becomes an afterthought.

            unless….nah, I’ll wait for a reply, lol.

            Bond. BlkBond.

            • Jhane Sez

              “Mack’s are getting smarter, and when they do what I just described above (as has been the past few years) monogamy (true monogamy) for that 10% that is so coveted becomes an afterthought.”

              @Bond. BlkBond thanks… I will confess that I have been reading some of your past blogs… interesting stuff

              Not too long ago I was in a group of ballers in tech dudes who were in their late 20’s and 30’s… there were a couple of the mack type brothas you describe

              What was interesting was all the non-black men were married and starting families… the brothas who were in their late 30’s were like “I’m not ready”

              What is also interesting is how their personal life has impacted their professional life.

              The non-black guys think these dudes are cool but immature… and then you add the racial dynamics to that some things become very clear while they are peers in income when you look at their lives the brothas are a step behind.

              I think that one thing that is forgotten that all these dudes have in common is that their women helped them build and are partners in their personal and professional success.

              And we are talking guys who are C level executives of their own companies and major players in their verticals.

              And the brothas or any man living this life style is viewed as being immature and not quite taken seriously

              And I’m not speculating here either… we game night friend tight…

              I got stories and pictures ~JS

        • Yoles

          Polyandry (Greek: poly- many, andros- man) refers to a form of marriage in which a woman has two or more husbands at the same time. The form of polyandry in which a woman is married to two or more brothers is known as “fraternal polyandry”, and it is believed by many anthropologists to be the most frequently encountered form.

          I saw this on Taboo and it showed that this still currently occurs in some villages in India and I think over in the Pacific Islands… when they interviewed them the men and women both said they were happy in the arrangement and were sad to see that technology and information age was beginning to threaten their way of life

          • Caballeroso

            As an un-wed black man, I believe it’s easy for someone to be happy when they believe that they are doing all that they are called or expected to do based on what they’ve always known. I grew up in a small town and was happier than a pig in slop while there. I now live in the 4th largest city in america and am bored as sh*t when I go back home. The men in the polyandric societies you speak of have never known any other way of life, so of course their way is fine. We always fear the unknown. Just like I would fear living as they do. That my take anyway.

            • Qozmic

              Caballeros — I agree. I’m originally from NYC, and until I lived outside of it, I used to think having roaches was normal. I didn’t LIKE it, but I definitely didnt realize the rest of non-urban America didn’t have to shake their shoes out every morning before puttin em on…

      • Anastasia!!!

        Jhane, you said it!!

        I watched that show every single Sunday and had the weirdest sensation about the whole lifestyle. Polygamy!!! I was looking at the show like
        O______e What part of the game is this!!?!

        I live in California and I happened to run into the aunt-in-law of Christine, the first wife on the show. We started talking and she described how absolutely miserable Christine was as a child and how low her self-esteem was. She was one of 30 children and 6 wives. Do you think any one of those children got 5 Minutes with their father??

        Again I ask, What Part of the Gaaaame is dus????

        The moment the husband gets bored, He will go find another boo-mama to get his rocks off. But let one of the wives talk about getting another boo-daddy!!

        Personally I think polygamy is a lazy lifestyle. Instead of you, the singular woman and you, the singular man figuring the sh*t out as a couple, the moment the man gets bored, Its on to the next one. And the woman finds her comfort groove within the 4 other women in the household.

        I can’t do it.

        But boy, was that show intriguing.

        Ok, let me go to bed :-) See yall in the morn, VSB!

        • Jhane Sez

          “I live in California and I happened to run into the aunt-in-law of Christine, the first wife on the show. We started talking and she described how absolutely miserable Christine was as a child and how low her self-esteem was. She was one of 30 children and 6 wives. Do you think any one of those children got 5 Minutes with their father??
          Again I ask, What Part of the Gaaaame is dus????”

          You know its interesting that you mention low self esteem in this context because it is clear that she co-signed the bringing on the other wives as long as she was number 1.

          I have never seen a case of polygamy that was an appealing situation… especially if as someone suggested down thread that the woman become an earner.

          Most of the descriptions of polygamy sound as if dudes just want to pimp on a group of chicks… hit as much as he can and take their money…

          For the collective good of course. ~JS

          • Yeah*yeah*Yeah

            “Most of the descriptions of polygamy sound as if dudes just want to pimp on a group of chicks… “hit as much as he can and take their money…”

            I agree.

            Just thinking tho, I enjoy good d!ck, but I’ve never entertained the thought of living w/a bunch of men just to have a lot of good d!ck. I can’t even fathom it! …still tryin’ to picture it in my head ***snicker****

            • Tx10inch

              Just thinking tho, I enjoy good d!ck, but I’ve never entertained the thought of living w/a bunch of men just to have a lot of good d!ck.

              replace “living” with “having sex” in this statement and that just might be a lie.

              Thank you, thank you *Takes bow*…my next Champ impression is at 1pm est

              • WIP

                Ummm no- Can’t speak for anybody else but 1) the transfer of body fluids between multiple people in short periods of time kinda grosses me out and 2) the box can only handle so much and most men like to $ex at least once a day. It doesn’t seem like a practical lifestyle choice.

              • kid video

                *rimshot…

          • Yeah…So

            Oh wow… pimpin at its most unconsidered level, granted no one is turnin tricks but you still bringin the money home to daddy… so it is pimpin isn’t it?

            • Jhane Sez

              “Oh wow… pimpin at its most unconsidered level, granted no one is turnin tricks but you still bringin the money home to daddy… so it is pimpin isn’t it?”

              Ninjas think we don’t understand game when we see it… this is a classic example of see a sucker bump his head.

              Some of this stuff is reading like bootleg American Pimp dialog.

              Save it for them h*es you don’t love no mo ~JS

          • Yoles

            i have witnessed a case of polygamy that was appealing.. growing up in long island new york i had a neighbor in the biggest house in must be a 15 block radius… nafisa once we got to know each other i saw that she had plenty of siblings and 2 other mothers… we would go over to the house and play and i will say that i never saw a family so involved with each other, so balanced and well maintained. only her father worked but he made sure his 3 wives and children had all they need. and the children got attention. much more than i got from my dad who was only married to my mom. of course i’m not all into their family but i’m saying that just because we see these things on tv shows, see radicals getting arrested for marrying children etc does not mean that people can’t live happy healthy normal lives in these types of situations. i still see nafisa to this day.. all her parents are still together… everyone comes off balanced and happy, she doesn’t complain regarding her upbringing… people say anything is possible why not this?

            • Girl Kanyeshrug

              There is alsways something lurking behind closed doors that the outside world isn’t seeing.
              Later it always comes out that something just wasn’t ‘quite right’

            • Qozmic

              yoles — this is exactly what I’m referring to: direct experience. no substitute for it. You can’t go by some sensationalized version on television… that’s not meant to inform in the first place. It’s meant to polarize and provoke. Until you actually MEET somebody living a different experience, you can’t really know. It’s kinda like folks who never met an actual ‘black’ person, and go by what they saw on GOOD TIMES and Blaxploitation movies…. That’s not an accurate representation of the breadth and width of African Americans…so why would we think we know anything about these people based on BIG LOVE and other shows??

      • http://theatypicallibrarian.wordpress.com AtypicalLibrarian

        “And it is always his option to add more.”

        That’s not so. In the show Meri (wife number 1) stated that she chose all three of the sisterwives. She was cool with Janelle and the other blonde one because they had been together for so long. Who knows why she introduced Kody to Robin because she was almost immediately jealous of her, which imho is why I doubt polygamy would work. Sorry, but I’m not about to sign up for a fraction of a husband.

        I’m currently reading a novel called the 19th Wife which is part contemporary fiction and part historical fiction. Historical fiction gives fictitious accounts (based in fact) of historical historical events. In the book, when Joseph Smith, the first Prophet of the LDS church shared his “revelation” on plural marriage he stated that the first wife must choose the additional wives.

        It’s a good book. The historical part is based on Ann Eliza Young (Bringham Young’s 19th wife) escape from the LDS faith and her attempt to end polygamy in the United States. The contemporary part is about a the mysterious murder of a modern day polygamist man.

        • Jhane Sez

          “That’s not so. In the show Meri (wife number 1) stated that she chose all three of the sisterwives”

          Girl if you see the follow up show you will know why I made that comment.

          Yes the wives had to agree… but he sees ole girl at a party and is like I think we need another wife.

          The 3 wives are really hot about this new chick… they even got real passive/aggressive about the new ring they bought her.

          I got the impression that they co-signed number 4 because they were 16 years in and had no real choice ~JS

          • http://theatypicallibrarian.wordpress.com AtypicalLibrarian

            Are you talking about the one where Christine (that’s her name!) walked off the set? I must’ve only half watched as I think I stopped really paying attention after the wedding episodes. I remember them getting the cheapest ring for her and lmao especially since they were splitting the cost three ways. I saw bits and pieces of the honeymoon and their appearance on Oprah. I’ll take your word for it, though.

            They’re whole dynamic shows why the lifestyle wouldn’t work for most. The original three are jealous and the newbie has an insane sense of entitlement and for lack of a better word Kody is being unfair with regard to how he treats Robin compared to the other 3.

            Sidenote, Jhane Sez, you spoke the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in the comments yesterday! :)

          • whykendra

            i agree. its clear they were not down. it seemed like they were all kind of dancing around saying “why another one?!”.

            thats show is interesting because its not liek they are cultist they do seem to all have a voice but ultimately they dont have the power to act. the husband makes the decisions.

            i felt bad when the new wife robyn told her kids they have to call kody dad. are you f*ckin kidding me?????

            • Caballeroso

              “i agree. its clear they were not down. it seemed like they were all kind of dancing around saying “why another one?!”.”

              As an internet user, this phenomenon seems to be the same as when a third kid is brought into the family. Initially the older siblings are jealous because the new kid gets all the attention, but eventually they all realize that they’re all family and sh*t.

              • Jhane Sez

                “As an internet user, this phenomenon seems to be the same as when a third kid is brought into the family. Initially the older siblings are jealous because the new kid gets all the attention, but eventually they all realize that they’re all family and sh*t.”

                The difference is you don’t get to pick your kids… even when they are step children ~JS

      • Scipio Africanus

        Under the situation we’re talking about, only the most appealing guys wind up having multiple wives (usually with the most appealing women.)

        Then, like Champ said, the middle 40% who can make it happen with those folks, just deal with each other.

        Then the bottom 30% or so just resign themselves to no romance or relationships at all.

        What you’re talking about is a society where polygamy is encouraged or mandated. That’s *not* a situation where women are free(er) to do as they wish.

    • Sula

      The monogamy thing is more prescriptive than a natural inclination for me, I think. I’m happy in the situation I’m in, but I see how polygamy could work, and how, if I’m really honest, with the right people, it could work for me too.

      What she said.

      Polygamy has worked for centuries because well, first women didn’t really have a choice and second to help repair some skewed numbers. The point being is we are all biologically inclined to reproduce and leave a mark… What the best strategy to implement that is depends on a particular society and its settings. If there are less men than women, polygamy works well for many reasons. If there is a surplus of men and very few women, we can have polyandry… etc… All in all the main driver for women is usually security and that can take all kinds of meaning (food, shelter, emotional stability, etc… etc…)

  • nubiankween

    I have a question about the math, if 40% of the women are in relationships with 40% of the men ad the world represented a college campus, then wouldn’t that show that a majority of the men and women from your sample are inclined to be monogamous?

    • coldsweat3

      No. You messed the math up. It seems as if your assuming the 40% of men and 40% of women are being added together but in total that would be 40% of people on a college campus are in monogamous relationships <50%. 50% of the men are not pullin females on a regular basis and the remaining 10% of the men are pulling their share of females And some more.

      • nubiankween

        reading is fundamental isn’t it? lol

        gotcha, thanks ;)

  • legitimate_soul

    I guess I’m the eternal optimist. The answer to your question is a “no” and I respectfully reject the same people liking 3-7%, 7-10%, or 15-20%because everyone does not like the same thing. The Infinite Wisdom of the Creator made variety the spice of life and people don’t even like the same kind of beverage let alone someone they want to be in a relationship or marriage with. Sure we may all accept a brand of soda, or water, but if given the option of sweet tea, fresh juice, wine, etc. we may prefer the many other options. Yes, there are some folks that a large group of people may find attaractive, but that is very different than relationship compatibility or spark. Plus, for every person who may be the measure of attractiveness and discussed on these very boards, there is always a dissenter who prefers the exact opposite of that person.

    I totally get the college campus metaphor, but “the big man on campus” may not be your type, is a jerk, has some idiosyncracy that totally turns you off, or you probably prefer the athletic and “sweet and smart” 2nd string guy in your Ethnic Studies class. Plus, what about those who rejected the incestous nature (for lack of a better word) of some college campuses and decides to date folks who went to a different school? It’s a lot of factors that make the pickings not as slim as many may perceive.

    I know I can’t be the only one who have seen a guy who was physically not my type or even “aesthetically belligerent” (VSB term) have spark or that “it” factor that made him most desirable and chexy! The fact that that even happens may puzzle the ‘ish out of you. Adversely, I know I can’t be the only one who have seen someone who was SOOOOO FOINE…..that is until they opened their mouth. I also know we have seen some couples who don’t even seem like they would physically mesh or match-up, but somehow it works.

    Sidenote: Did anyone see Cam Newton do the Top 10 on Letterman last night? Ooooooo weeeeee! (He’s over 18, so no R. Kelly, but I gotta give that youngsta’ his props!) Even Dave said if he “looked like that guy, folks could kiss his a$$”. Now even as I say that some might feel me, and some might not think he’s all that. But just in case you do, here ya go! :P
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWztPwFOxiY

    • SaneN85

      I don’t mind this video at all. At. All.

      • coldsweat3

        I just hope he sticks to football and doesnt get the idea he could be an actor…

      • legitimate_soul

        @Sane, Thank you for feelin’ me! :D

    • Be On It

      Cam Newton, in my opinion, has a lot going for him right now, but he wouldn’t even catch my eye if he didn’t stay winning at life. He’s not bad on the eyes, tall, well built, nice smile, and seemingly everything on paper that I go for physically.BUT…. eh, his success makes him sexy. The moment he falls off would be the moment that I Evelyn Lozada him, unless he had managed to impress me intellectually….

      It’s tight but it’s right.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “The answer to your question is a “no” and I respectfully reject the same people liking 3-7%, 7-10%, or 15-20%because everyone does not like the same thing.”

      i didnt say this. i said that a small percentage of men had sexual access to a larger percent of the women. not all women. sh*t, not even most women, but enough to affect everyone’s sexual lives

      • legitimate_soul

        I gotcha. I wasn’t trying to say you said it either. I was just addressing all the precentages I had read at the time I posted. But point blank for many, many reasons I am not sharing. That is NOT the move!