I remember the first time I heard somebody explain to me how they were going to keep their potentially enlarging spouse or significant other in shape over the years. Okay, that’s not true, I don’t remember the first time I heard it at all. But I do remember the plan:
“P, for reals dun son, as we get older, I’ll just park further and further away from the entrance of wherever we’re doing. Every day will just be like a German Volksmarch, exept without the beer and patch at the end to validate the event. If I’m lucky, it will have the effect of hearing Kendrick Lamar’s verse on “Control” over and over again for the next 20 or so years.”
Because the first time I heard this I was likely in high school, a solid 60 percent of that quote is made up. It’s like The Butler, except not 2-plus hours long. By the way, The Butler was a good movie.
Moving on, for righter or wronger, the idea behind doing something relatively benign to achieve a greater good isn’t outlandish. Sure in the case presented it always seemed a bit mean spirited, but you can’t break dance without Turbo and Ozone. And this can go both ways. We all saw Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Aunt Viv kept her figure no matter what color she was and Uncle Phil did too….
*cues Jazz being thrown from the hiznayee*
Well, this got me to thinking about other convenient solutions to issues you might confront in your relationship. And I’m not talking about significant problems, just more…differences between you and your other. Or just the other person with you at the time.
You need un ejemplo right? Is that example in that Spanish? I really don’t know. I could look that up. I totally didn’t.
Problem: The Non-stop Vocalist Non-Singer
So you ever been in a car with somebody who HAS to sing every damn song that comes on if they know it. Except, they ain’t no singer. Nor are they a a rap-singer. They justa be f*cking your entire driving experience with their 27-octave non-range and liberal interpretation of C-notes. It’s almost like singing on-key hurts more than off-key. Well this is a problem, albeit one you can learn to live with…if off note don’t bother you much. If they do, however, you need a solution pronto.
So what’s the solution? Well, you introduce them to new music. In the car. While you’re driving. Basically, you make sure they hear music they DON’T know the words to so that they CAN’T sing them, all the while introducing them to some new music they will eventually slaughter. Of course, anybody who knows a non-singing singer knows, they will attempt to anticipate words with the music they don’t know so that they can sing, but it will happen less frequently than playing Beyonce, Justin Timberlake or Michelle Obama speeches.
Problem: The Opposites Attract Phenomenon
Say you forego conventional wisdom and decide to date somebody who stands at polar opposites in any number of stances: religion, politics, sexual deviance, cereal brands, favorite Jordan’s, etc. Well, there will come a time – many a time actually – where you will argue incessantly about these things. People have a need to have their opinions validated. Or discredit those ideas for which they don’t agree. I mean why ELSE do you think those Klondike commercials are so popular. Wait. What? If that made any sense to you, you smoke too much weed.
Anyway, here’s the most plausible solution here: not talking about it is out of the picture, it possibly encapsulates too much of your own personhood to pretend it doesn’t exist. Nope. you need a “certain topic safe word” like “tassle” or something. When you feel yourself getting too wrapped up in a convo, you just yell our your safe word and you both have to immediately take a time out for love and revisit the topic later. Or, after saying the safe word, you must engage in some naught behavior or something, you nasty fish you. Point is, in the midst of contention you must still express love. None of that J. Edgar Hoover stuff like the time he broke he and Tolson’s agreement to dine every evening. All because he was in his feelings. Just terrible. Just damn terrible.
Problem: The Temperature Soul Wrangler
You ever meet that person who is always either cold or just damn hot? Like they’re never Los Angeles in January. Nope they’re either Arizona in August or Michigan between January and December at all times. Of course, you being the even keeled weather respecter that you are would end up with somebody like that.
So how do we fix this issue that so that both of can live and be happy? F*ck blankets and fans. Naw kid, for the person who is always hot, give them free reign of the AC for a month. Then hand them the bill. I’m sure their body will fix itself. Real spit, I got one of THE most egregious power bills one month where I had a family member staying with me for like 3 weeks. Trust and believe…sh*t got real. For the person who is always cold? Just get them those hotfeets footysocks that seem like they’ll electrocute you. Hopefully it doesn’t but as long as their feet are warm they’ll be okay.
Those are some convenient solutions to common interpersonal problems. What other solutions do you have? What are some common problems that need solutions that require some nuance and cleverness to avoid bloodshed and yelleration?
Holla at a playa.
Smile, it’s almost September.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3