Hi, I’m Panama Jackson. You may remember from me such public service announcements as “Don’t Let Him Come Inside, Intro Was Wrong and Only Sold Like 20 Records” and “You Better Pretend It’s Christmas And Wrap It Up Before You Give Away That Present, Jerome!”.
Well today, we the good people of VSB felt that another public service was warranted. It’s summer time and a lot of you are going to be waking up next to people you don’t know and people you never expected to wake up next to in places you never expected to be. This isn’t necessarily a problem (okay that’s not true, but just don’t make it a habit, mmkay?) but it always leads the to the inevitable issue of figuring out just how to say, “I’m sure that was a good time, but I really need to go.” Now of course, no self-respecting person would be that honest.
Heavens no. This is why excuses were invented, because lying when the truth is an option is the American way. God Bless America. With that in mind, I’d like to put together a list of great excuses to use for having to leave the next morning. Real talk, most guys want to roll out right after we hit. As in instantly. (By the way, we’re only talking in terms of sex you didn’t intend to have in the first place or sex with a person for whom you pretty much only want sex. This is not about a love thing, a love jones thing, or feelings.)
So here are some surefire reasons/excuses/acts of heroism that will ensure that you can leave first thing:
1. “I have to go, I’m scheduled to give a kidney and some bone marrow at 8am. Thanks for the kool-aid!”
Who can argue against saving people’s lives? A bad person that’s who. Somebody like Elin! Free Tiger’s Assets!
2. “Holy crap, I just remembered that I have to go to the reading of my grandmother’s will this morning. Sorry, but I have to go.”
Legal priorities always work. Or should work and they sound totally legit. In fact, we can big league this one with the one that will guarantee that you never have to worry about a call back. Heh heh heh…
3. “Hey, I have to run. I have a court date. Sorry to tell you like this but I have 3 children and all 4 of my baby mama’s are trying to make me plead the fif on whether or not I got 6 minutes (Dougie Fresh your on…o-o-on…o-o-on) left. I told them that all I need is one mic. But I let you speak into it last night. So you see where this is going right? I love you.”
If you can manage to work in hip-hop, sequential numerating, insanity, Chappelle’s show, romance and the American justice system, you, sir or madam, have won the game. Let’s just hope you’re not bedding somebody who is intrigued by that particular combination – which if you think about it, sounds like the recipe for a Spike Lee film.
4. “This was very, very bad. Very, very.very bad. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. What will I tell my priest. I have let society down. I’m a shill for sin. We have sinned. I was told I could not sin one more time or it was curtains for me. AND WE USED PROTECTION! I’m Catholic! I have to go. Save your self!”
The religion defense works every time. Mostly because people who pull religion out after some sacreligious behavior are insane. And nobody wants to keep insane people around. And the good part is that it works with nearly every religion. Even a cursory knowledge of religion works.
5. “Oh no. I just got a text that said my dog died. I have to go. I can’t handle this. Roodabega was my best friend. I have to go. I’ll be out of commission for a few weeks. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. Here’s a 5 for your trouble.”
No.Call.Back. after paying for services. Especially five bucks. I’d be offended if a chick only paid me five bucks. Like, I know I’m worth more than that. How rude. Oh right, the dog. Kill your pets off. That’s always a good reason to roll out. Luda.
Good people, those are some suggestions. Perhaps they’ve actually been used and tested. Perhaps not. I’ll never tell. Scary white kid. It’s Friday, let’s help the people out for their July 4th weekend; what are some other excuses that can be used to roll out after falling in?
Happy 4th, b*tches.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
~
Everydayyy a star is bornnnnn
Clap For ‘em
Clap for ‘em
Gracias!!
Ü
I’m the one who won’t let everyone (including Kanye) be great.
NO MORE!!
I.
will.
not.
lose.
today.
**insert drakeism**
Still, though…no one has managed to do a complete (more than one word) sentence and beat me (if I was trying). CHALLONJ!!
(Yes, this is #cheekieafterdark, being all aggressive and whatnot)
@Cheekie
Your CHALLONJ just made me think about one of my employees. I can count on her to blurt this out at least twice a week!
@Anastasia(!!!)(&)(Ü) – **insert drakeism** All I do is win. DJ Khaled
*gasp* !!!!
lmfao @ the ‘~’ I’ve been defeated!!
This is everyone right now (thanks to luvvie for the lovely gif!!):
http://bit.ly/dAHZrN
Cheekie, I live for this.
Luvvie, I die for this.
x_x
Now you can do the diddy bop around Cheekie!
Did you realizeee that you were the champion???
http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/2/1tr8ya.gif
Where are yall getting this hilarity!!!
OMG, STOP. lmfao Not Diddy-bop. Since I hate him (not like i hate pan-pan, that’s different), I feel EXTRA salty.
O___O
@Cheekie The dude in the purple is my new best friend in my head!
Ha Ha.
Darn it!!!!!!
I’m not even 2nd. *Sigh* Guess I’ll go read whatever this is now…..
I tried!!! uhhhhh lol a girl can dream
My mouse-like attention span prevented me from being anywhere near first..
I’ll never tell. Scary white kid.
**teehee
OH MY GOODNESS GIRL!!!
i just put the SAME quote in my post..
we are >>>>here<<<<
I love being apart of the VSB family.
Am I apart of it now?? Do I have to be inducted??
Yall gonna make me join the dreaded, TWITTER following behind this goodness!!!
Panama!!!??
……
Oh, wait, you ain’t on twittah? *lures you in, Children of the Corn style*
#vsbluminati
#vsbluminati
speaking of which…. kinda hurt i’m not included. after my hug and all.
LOL.
WTF, you NOT, Muze? I swear for Gawd I did…well…that can be arranged. I’m gonna sprint (no Usain Bolt) to Twittah…
just say yes to twitter.
BTW, this picture is just disturbing, yet I keep staring at it ..WHO IS THIS MAN?!
Sorry fam, I’m brutally honest. I roll out after I catch my breath and get myself together. “Hey buddy, that was great. I knew that I could count on you! You know how to come through in a crisis! Don’t call me, I will call you. See you next week!”
If in the event that I have to create an excuse, I will blame it on the job. “Sorry dear, I have an exterminator coming to my store at 7 a.m. Damn you Mickey Mouse’s cousin for disturbing this groove!”
“Hey Buddy…”
*flatlines*
Roodabega!!!!
Damn….
Number three had me DYING! lmao @ all I need is one mic [wipes back tears]
Okay, so number 3 is a solid excuse for everything if you are Muslim. I am not even remotely religious and if a dude tries to get with me and he looks like the underside of wiz khalifa’s nostril, then I will hit him with the “I’m Muslim” and walk away. I don’t even need to add an explanation because EVERYTHING IS HARAAM (sinful).
I meant number 4 on the last part….forgive me, I’m Muslim.
The dog being named “Roodabega” made me giggle so!
Off Topic: Why these Ninjas settin’ off fireworks already. Spoiler alert a*s ninjas…..
@legitimate_soul
Yep, I have been hearing that shat since 9:30!
I’ve been hearing them since LAST WEEK.
le sigh.
The latino-populated park down the street has literally been poppin (no C Breezy) since June 15th.
It was me, because this time I’m reallying going off, fireworks.
…[anticipates the side-eyes]
Thank you Drake Lynise
“Off Topic: Why these Ninjas settin’ off fireworks already. Spoiler alert a*s ninjas…..”
lmao @ spoiler alert…
Girl, this is the story of my entire life. I questioned this ish when I was 5. I was like, -_O [(c) Gemmie], “Um, why dey settin’ off firecrackahs, gramma? It ain’t e’en July yet?!”
It still happens to this day. I heard booming two weeks ago. Chi niccas…
@Cheekie
Exactly! They were getting down in Berwyn a couple of weeks ago. I’m walking out of work & I just see the sky blazing. All I could do was shake my head. Juan, Felipe, and the crew were way thirsty to set it off. Jada Pinkett.
Ah yea….
One of the 3 things Indiana is good for, besides alcohol and gas….
Some dude got burned set a fireworks earlier this week. All I could think was why are you (you grown man) setting firecrackers during the month of June. Are you celebrating warm weather?
Aw, man when I went to physical therapy after breaking my arm as a 12 year old Cheekster (I had to have surgery…bone popped out..ew), I used to share a session with this boy. Um, a firecracker exploded…IN HIS HAND. It was probably the worst thing I’d ever seen at the time. *shudder*
I still hear the story every 4th of how my now grown cousin (was 8 then) lit a firecracker in her mouth and nearly blew off her lips.
Only moral of that story: kids in the country do the dumbest ish.
@bougiefruit,
WTF, in their mouth?! Ok, I’ve read it all.
Also, your screename makes me wonder which bougie fruit you are. Papaya?
All kinds of foolishness occurs when you are young, bored, supervised, and dared. Handmade tats.
And I always imagined myself to be a guava. Sweet with a bit of tanginess. And a richness that your body needs. I think I singlehandedly just brought sexy back with that one. Idris.
@bougiefruit,
OMG, GTFOH, “guava” was the first thing that came to mind. NO LIE. I just thought papaya was more fun to say. That was selfish of me. Go with your gut.
Aaaww, peace and quiet tonight. I thank Seattle for banning fireworks.
See, this comment ties exactly back into yesterdays post.
White people in Seattle were not having any person setting off any kind of explosive. Period. And boom (no pun), there was the law.
I bet if enough white people got mad in Atl, DC, Brooklyn, or my side of LA – no happening!
One of neighbors set off an effin CHERRY BOMB.
Wtf?? O____o
which begs me to ax the question, how come ninjas are late as a mug for e’rrythang else BUT when it comes to the 4th of July, they a$$es are settin off fireworks way too early? just sayin…
LOL….so true……think that’s gonna be my facebook status this morning.
I know right! Doin test runs and ish all on Thursday afternoon. Ninja the event aint till Sun. Glad I live out here in Mayberry now. These good law abiding citizens know how to follow the rules.
CTFU@Glad I live out here in Mayberry now.
Hmmmm, let me think about this for a second…
I know I’ve got some good ones…
Here we go:
1. I’ve got a test in the morning.
*Don’t be specific… Midterm, AIDS, Herpes, whatever…*
2. I need to get up early and renew my license, tag, vaccination
3. I have a curfew
*Not only does this get you out, it ensures you won’t be called back… ever*
And the last one is for the person who has someone in their house who they want to leave expeditiously
Thee 1. My complex tows…
*Every single person who has ever attended, thought about attending, or knows someone who attended college will leave*
“1. I’ve got a test in the morning.
*Don’t be specific… Midterm, AIDS, Herpes, whatever…* ”
Hahaha. If I ever hear that, I’m going to have to ask him to elaborate.
@Blackgirl GIRL, “my complex tows” WORKED WONDERS in college…and I died twice over the non-specific test Midterm/Herpes/whatever.
LOL. My point exactly… Does it not work after college? I haven’t tried it since I graduated but I also haven’t moved yet.
no apt complexes in nyc…and most ppl don’t have cars. I suppose you could say, “it’s monday, street cleaning comes early and they will ticket your ass.”
1) WTF is up with the pic for this post! It’s totally random and it makes my eyes hurt. I had to look twice to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating from sleepiness. Where did you even find it??
2) “Get thee to a nunnery” may be one of my favorite tags ever! “Pump and dump” is also a contender.
3) This entire list is hilarious but #5 might get a ninja killed! You’d have to have the self-esteem of a turnip to not be offended by a $5 payment for sex.
“2) “Get thee to a nunnery” may be one of my favorite tags ever! ”
Same here. I quote this for “h*sh*t” on the regular. Ever since I first read Hamlet, I figured it was THEE best way to say, “You a nasty/crazy bish!”
Hold up, wait a minute *breaking out with some footwork* I just noticed the ‘pump and dump’ tag!
*flatline*
3. “Hey, I have to run. I have a court date. Sorry to tell you like this but I have 3 children and all 4 of my baby mama’s are trying to make me plead the fif on whether or not I got 6 minutes (Dougie Fresh your on…o-o-on…o-o-on) left. I told them that all I need is one mic. But I let you speak into it last night. So you see where this is going right? I love you.”
O.O She better be stupid to believe this…3 kids with 4 mamas ..uh uh! LHH.
& the scary white kid just added to the sting of being ditched after doing..hahaha.
That ish happens a.k.a. baby on the way. Dude told me he had 1 kid. Later found out he has 1 toddler, 2 baby mamas…and both were currently pregnant…
Luckily I had initially pulled out that “Ooh, I got a bf but I’ll keep your number” bit.
Which means he’s not counting the baby on the way as a kid and I don’t wanna get involved anyway. UGHH. That’s too much
i hate when i dude jumps out of your bed so quick after putting in more work than making oxtail to get in it.
casual sex was good when i was young, dumb and full of..um..
now that im older and want a lil bit more than a chocolate cone with a vanilla filling, empty sex ends with me feeling like a prostitute. a prostitute that didnt even get paid.
so moral of the story: i dont need more excuses. i just need to f*ck a dude that has his own place so that i can come up with my own!
happy 4th of july! stay thirsty my american friends!
*a cooking reference- “hate when i dude jumps out of your bed so quick after putting in more work than making oxtail to get in it.”- Insert Food Network witty retort here- like Emeril would say “Bam”- I dunno why I thought this was needed, I just did, blame it on Friday foolishness
lol. BAM!
I enjoy friday behaviour. my boss closed the office today, so i was off again! i just rolled outta bed. next week is gonna feel like the longest movie ever. titanic.
Keisha you didn’t drop the mic before exiting. LOL That was Gospel
*drops head in shame. indeed i didn’t drop the mic pon the left hand side nor throw up my deuces. chrisbrown and whatshisface.
Casual sex just doesn’t cut it like it used to.
You coulda had a V-8, Terry McMillan.
So, this post’s picture? What say ya’ll? I say he’s at LEAST a 3.6 ( I gave him the extra .6 because he’s a redhead)
o_O
In terms of a dude hittin’ and splittin’, I pray that somewhere out there, some nicca is planning to bolt out the door in fast-motion while the Benny Hill theme plays on his boombox. Why can’t this stuff happen in real life? *pout*
Love that you referenced Benny Hill! I used to love that dirty old man’s show, lol!
“I pray that somewhere out there, some nicca is planning to bolt out the door in fast-motion while the Benny Hill theme plays on his boombox.”
That just made me such a loud and raucous cackle that I woke The Dot, and all of his testy teethingness. It was worth it.
What’chu know ’bout Benny Hill? That was my sh*t!
No Bullsh*t
“What’chu know ’bout Benny Hill? That was my sh*t!”
Honey, I knew ’bout that show as a shorty. That’s the benefits of being raised at yo grandma house. That theme song along used to crack me up, never knowing how “grown-up” the jokes were.
thank you for bringing back the “No bullsh*t”.. it was sorely missed..
I heart you for the Benny Hill reference, Cheeks.
Benny Hill.
You just brought it back girl. *sigh*
( do not use the following without proper supervision..)
- oh SNAP.. i gotta get my mom’s car back.. and she has to go to work in the morning.. (this is usually followed by, “but i drove you..”)
then you reply: “well, i gotta get her shoes back..”
- i gotta help my girl move outta town.. to Yemen… don’t call me, they’re gonna confiscate my phone at the airport…
- i gotta read the lessons at church.. i’m scheduled to be at the altar in 1 hour..
- i cut my finger, and i don’t trust anyone else’s peroxide but my own..
- i had a nightmare and i gotta go home so my mother can put me back to sleep..
they all think i’m jokin til i start packin up my stuff…
nuff said..
i may or may not have had to use these before..
“i’ll never tell”…
that creepy white girl from that creepy movie..
“Creepy white girl….may she rest (Brittney Murphy)
furthermore u kids are killing me w/ the excuses. high-sterics over here.
oh and pump and dump has always been a personal favorite
Dayum…not even a Too soon ? on the Creepy white girl comment
*Note to Nick-”- i gotta help my girl move outta town.. to Yemen… don’t call me, they’re gonna confiscate my phone at the airport…”- This will only work on the edumacted ninjas, some ninjas won’t know wtf Yemen is-This was a PSA brought to you by a *VSS–nothanksneeded
Getting moms shoes back made my morning. I have to share this one. Nick you’re the greatest. DWL
Yeah, using pets as excuses works for me. I’ve used “I have to go feed the dog,” “I have to go let the dog out” and “I left the dog out” as excuses to leave in the early morning…all on the same guy.
I don’t even have a dog.
“I don’t even have a dog.” (Cackling)
I can’t comment on any of this because ‘Girl, you so virginal!’ and ish but i suppose some good phrases would be
1. Thank you, I gotta go.
2. Thank you, and good night.
3. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.
And then what do you say if it wasn’t good???
Somebody let me know. **insert drakeism**
Thank You, God Bless, Goodnight, I came….I came….I came.
wow I need a life, why do I keep quoting rap lyrics like I don’t read books?
[steps away from the laptop]
“Thank You, God Bless, Goodnight, I came….I came….I came.”
lmbo that’s exactly what i heard in my head when i read that. you are not alone. michael jackson.
@Anastasia Somebody let me know. Aaliyah
speaking of which, was anyone aware there are actual AUTOPSY photos of her on the internet?! WTH
@B.collins,
Hahaaaaa!!! That’s a good one
I dont know why I’m not good at the drake-isms!
How about, “Sorry boo, my mom just texted. She needs me to help her take off her girdle again. Gosh, I love her”
I want to find a mistake to sleep with just so I can use #4.
HEEEEEY, west coast VSS!!!!
Heyyyyyy!!! I love being reminded there are people over on this side of the world with me.
LOL, me too! It is 4th of July weekend, I’m sure that could be an easy task to accomplish. Haha.
You had me at the line about Intro. That song still holds up to this day. Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in a very, very long time.
dead @ the pump and dump tag
“because lying when the truth is an option is the American way. God Bless America.” so funny but sooo true, lol!
there was this kappa i used to “deal” with in undergrad (shameful enough in itself) it’s like almost immediately after we did the do i’d remember this shame and start to formulate excuses to leave (always made sure i came to him, never allowed him to my place… except that one time…lol) my top excuse was always i had something to do super early that morning (seeing that i always came by after 12)… damn, i pretty much treated him like i was a dude… let him do me. but didn’t wanna date. guess i’ll stick to myself. masturbate. (that was for my missed Drakeism on the past post)
“I need to go return these panties; I promised to have them back by 7.”
^^This. right. here. KILT. me. dead.
I just flatlined __________________________________
Someone please call 911! Tell them I have been shot down. #NoWyclef
oh my. superdead. amerie’s career.
@Nikiloveli–I need to go return these panties; I promised to have them back by 7.
Lol! Outta control!
” I told them that all I need is one mic. But I let you speak into it last night. So you see where this is going right? I love you.”
LMBO!
#4 is the best! There’s absolutely no way to argue w/ someone after that scene.
“Somebody like Elin! Free Tiger’s Assets!”
Nope. GET HIM, GIRL! I hope she goes back for even more, milk his cheating azz dry.
#6 – I have to get my weave tightened
#7 – I have to go to Mass
#8 – I have to sneak back into the house before my parents wake up
#9 – Do I really have to go? I have diarrhea
#10 – I slept with Lil Wayne
#10 – I slept with Lil Wayne
I don’t know why but that comment made me sad (ewwww)…
LOL
i HATECHU for that avatar!!!
luvvie roasted him on her website and i passed the pic around like weed!!!!
I look forward to your ever changing avatars. I thank you.
“You know what? I just realized I’m totally gay. Thanks for clearing that up. Proactiv.”
Seriously, though, items like contact lens solution/case, retainers, blankie, etc. You can’t sleep without them, must go home for them. The contact one works like a charm REGULARLY (and I’ve had 20/20 vision since the 80s)
“Real talk, most guys want to roll out right after we hit.”- umm, this is not exactly true, as we here at VSB found out the other day , ninjas must first “wash their wangs” before leaving, I’m sorry but this was so classic , and so recent, and so had me CTFU, I saw an in & I used it…but now that I have , I’mma have to “exit -stage left heavens to murgatroid” #Snagglepuss
A cleansed wang is not essential to a clean getaway.
Without trying purposely to make you dry heave, let’s just say some dudes don’t even think about it until they catch a whiff of their own junkyard.
Just sayin…
That’s gross. LOL…stop messin with nasty chicks Dante
I doth not cavort with unvirtuous wenches.
However the smell of sex sometimes turns into a not so pleasant one. Somewhat reminiscent of what my 2520 friends call “Swamp Arse”. So. There that goes.
There is no point to washing off one’s bag of “Nueces” if you just gonna put on the same draws. THAT’s just silly.
…but the draws are pre-budussy. you shower (or as Dash states…wash da wang in the sink), put on draws and shower when you get home…
PLEASE tell you smelt it BEFORE you went in because that should have been a BIG deterrence…pause….
Wait… So you mean to tell me, that after a nice getting of the gotten, you wash off all your meats and cheeses and put on draws from last night…?
You joking, right?
Or perhaps I just have an abnormal amount of pre-ejeculate.
Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I thought we were talking about trying to get OUT of staying over. This ostensibly means this is a person or situation which is not particularly a “Tender and well thought out sexual encounter”… meaning aside from a pull and flush of the required profilactic, I’m the fook out of there as soo as I can FIND my draws…
Please advise.
keep a supply of baby wipes handy
Now you’re getting into H0bag supplies for planned h0shlt activities, which isn’t a part of this equation. Unless I’m mistaken.
We’re not referencing a walk of shame, per se. Were referring to an escape for life. Again, unless I’m mistaken…
Now you’re getting into H0bag supplies for planned h0shlt activities..
ummm..no. they are included in the emergency supply. I keep wipes in my car because they are multi-purposeful. As soon as you break free from your situation and you want to clean your “Nueces”, you grab the wipes and clean once you leave, (especially beneficial if you have a commute back to da crib…)
Wet Wipes don’t clean twizzat juice from ball fros.
Whatever sets your mind at ease.
That’s gross! LOL Your boxers should be clean. Walk your naked behind to the bathroom and clean up.
Without trying purposely to make you dry heave-TOO LATE, you done spoilt my mango & pheasant omelet*bows to the Champ & Drake for the breakfast suggestion…..however thanks to Dante for killiin the urge to eat it
That’s what you get for liking mangoes and glorified pigeons. In an omelet, no less.
I’ll send you some bacon.
I’ll pass on the bacon, but thanks for the offer, and mangoes are the ISH…
@Jai and Bajan,
Hey we’re traveling in a pack today. We need a name for our crew.
you the SFG-Brang It..ooman!
This one is old school so I doubt if anyone uses it. “I’ve got to go get a pack of cigarettes. I’ll be right back.”
old school yes, but you know how folks like to bring ish back, it will be coming to above scenario soon* BTW- I can’t quite make out your avi-(cause I’m blind & whatnot)-who is that?#helpthevisuallyimpaired
It’s a cooler from the tienda across the street from my apartment. It’s one of thise old Colt .45 joints (I want to buy it and send it to a museum. If this isn’t a national treasure then I don’t know what is.). That Billy Dee on the front. . . “It works everytime.”
“It works everytime.”-CLASSIC -LOVE IT
You’ve got to love Billy Dee. The only black man in space with a perm.
That is most definitely a collector’s item…if I were you I’d ask the owners if they would consider selling it…and then when ppl come over to the crib and ask you where you got it from/can they borrow it, you look ‘em in the eye and say:
“No, no, my brother….you gotta get your own…”
@DG- wasn’t that the “Hey Love” collection? talk about takin it back…wooowwwww-No FlavaFlav
It is 326am PST.
*Im ïnterèstéd. Hàs ànyóne lêft w/Ó Ã wòrd or bêëñ ÀskÊd to leave poÍnþ blÂnk??
Do tell. Andrew Young. I think thats when it hurts.the most. Virgin. When you are just told to hit the door. Domestic violence. Or you bounce on his *ss. Roxy Reynolds.
It is 3.28am PST.
Thàt is àll.
Well, I got hit with the Russell Simmons once..
“Thank you for cumming. God bless you, goodnight.”
What you know about Roxy Reynolds?
@Mr Sobo,
bwahahaaa – I know she’s a pron star – Guys say she’s good, right??
She is excellent.
I’m sorry…she is no Jasmine Cashmere…I be like damn…how she do dat dere? If I did that, I would have NO bills (she just sloppy nasty…thumbs up from me)
once again…I have shared too much
I’ve learned a great deal from Roxy. I think I got alot of my chex game from porn. Jai, we always share too much. *whispers* XVideos or tube8 online it’s free. Sssshh
To say she is ‘good’ is a declaration of war. Roxy Reynolds puts the star in p0rn. As CBG so eloquently stated below, she is excellent.
Can someone give the link to the PSA “Don’t Let Him Come Inside”
“I was told I could not sin one more time or it was curtains for me”.
LMFAO
Love you for that man. i needed a good laugh
(Know your audience because this is not going to work with every man….you might get choked)
*pull out your Duracell friendly friend. He will get all excited and think yall about to get into some real freaky stuff and you give him the ‘ninja pleeze’ look and commence to tell him that you are just finishing what he couldn’t start.
*give him dap, tell him good looking out and you will hit him up with the week (no explanations given)
*peek out the window and tell him you think you say your man’s truck just roll by and that ninja is crazy
*tell him you have to get to the office early…there is no better way to show your boss that you are a ‘go-getter’ than by getting to work at 4:30 am (on a holiday and you are a govt. employee)
“*peek out the window and tell him you think you say your man’s truck just , roll by and that ninja is crazy- now this right here…classic Jai at her best & thanks so much for keepin the avi game tight -i appreciate it
“*tell him you have to get to the office early…there is no better way to show your boss that you are a ‘go-getter’ than by getting to work at 4:30 am (on a holiday and you are a govt. employee)”
As a gov’t employee I can assure you we are never anywhere near work on a holiday and especially at 4:30am!!!!
Exactly…I dont know of any fed. govt. employee that works on a holiday especially at 4:30am. If dude didn’t figure that out then you should leave expeditiously! LOL
@Jai
“*pull out your Duracell friendly friend. He will get all excited and think yall about to get into some real freaky stuff and you give him the ‘ninja pleeze’ look and commence to tell him that you are just finishing what he couldn’t start.”
O_O that will get you shanked or knocked out! I need my teeth. You ever seen a girl without teeth? Will destroy any looks. Btw, you are the funniest one here. DWL
You ever seen a girl without teeth…I know a dude that use to ‘get it in’ with a girl w/no teeth (but he used her for one reason….)
I have actually done this…dude looking like he just found the golden ticket talking about…
‘do you need any help’? (side-eye).
Ummm…no sweetie…you had your chance to help, but you know what you can help???
help deeezzz (i couldnt help myself)!
Props on the “deezzzz” & really, you side eyed & said “you had your chance to help, but you know what you can help???”- you must have been traveling with your portable shank that day…*makes note that Jai ain’t nuthin to fcuk wit *No Wu-Tang
There is something about a man who suffers from lackofpackage but acts like he knocked one of your ovaries loose that erks the hell out of me. In that situation, I’m not responsible for my actions…
Jai icant!! You got me dying. Not the gummy LOL But I’ve never experienced the pinky. I think I’d have to leave him for that. How would men feel if our cooch was broken? Exactly
Sadly….. I have experienced the pinky- TRULY NO WORDS FOR IT but to say “no wang is no joke” *runs to throw myself on the bed & shudders from the horrendous flashback
Excuses that I have used
1) I have to be at work at 6:00AM. This was a heavily used excuse for me. It was true so I wasn’t lying. Shout out to skilled trade blue collar jobs.
2) My boy just hit me up and he has beef over in (insert name of wild Detroit neighborhood or project)
3) I have a test tomorrow
4) I have to go to (insert name of wild Detroit neighborhood or project) to pick up some money
#3 is a good one. That’s classic. And if it’s a sat night, say you gotta go to church in the a.m.
I’ve used #4, but with a twist.
A lady came over late as ever, and well… you know.
Two of my boys came home from a night of drunken debauchery and what not at about 4 AM, after we’d finished.
Somehow I convinced her that they were hyper-religious Bible thumpers just returning from changing the minds of heathen children in the streets of Atlanta, and that they would NOT approve of her being in my home so late and would call her all sorts of disrespectful names. I didn’t want her to go through that.
So I told her, while they were passed out on the couch in the living room, that I would run out, open the door, and beckon to her, at which point she would run out the door, and they would be none the wiser. I would call her later.
She complied.
Spelman Grad, ladies and gentlemen. *Shots Fired*
lmao!
okay, this whoooooole story just CMTFU.
“Spelman Grad, ladies and gentlemen. *Shots Fired*”
and this kilt me. Viva La Spelmaniteness.
This list had me ctfu! Lol @ the tags.
But lies I have told to keep it movin, T.I…
-My sister’s in labor right now, I gotta get her and drive her to the hospital (well, she was like 9mos preggo @ the time)
-I got a hair appointment in the morning
-I gotta take my granny to dialysis in the morn
*been lurking*, but want to speak out.
I do not do overnights (at my place). When I am at a ‘friend’s’ house, afterwards, I am quiet as a mouse, put my clothes on and go. I just cannot fully relax at someone else’s house.
rule #1…..never bring em back to the crib…..
EXACTLY!!!
Word. I can count on one how many chics knew where I stayed.
count on one hand*
well i guess that works to the dudes advantage, cuz if i aint going to your place and im not supposed to bring you to mine.. then #wheretheydodatat??? the car? hotel? no bueno senor.
the flip of this whole argument/post is excuses to get him to gtfo of your bed/bedroom/place/city/country.
for every dude you dont mind if he stays (cuz you want some morning chex), there’s a dude who LOVES the fact that i live solo and wants to stay like imma cook him breakfast. *insert side eye.
*remembers to drop the mic this time.
1) “I have to go home and pray. I’m getting saved tomorrow. So this will be the last time you see me. God bless you. Good night.”
2) (stare into the distance and give your body a quick shake and say “NO! But I like him!! I can’t! Go away!” (look back at him with a worried expression) “I have to go home and take my meds. I’m sorry.”
3) As soon as he’s finished, say “That will be $250.”
4) “I can’t sleep here. I have to go home. I suffer from night seizures.”
5) Ask him to go make you a sandwich
Just say you gotta go, you have a busy day in the morning. That’s it. Say it before you start so it doesn’t come as a suprise and the person doesn’t feel dissed. I’ve never had to do this cause it’s always been someone I LOVE. Fellas get it together. smh
“Just say you gotta go, you have a busy day in the morning. That’s it. Say it before you start so it doesn’t come as a suprise and the person doesn’t feel dissed. I’ve never had to do this cause it’s always been someone I LOVE. Fellas get it together. smh”
THIS is why me heart chu like fried dumplin and saltfish SFG. me heart for real.
actually.. as i think about it.. wasn’t there a post not to long ago about how men are logical creatures, always straightup with their words, how we are to pay attention to what they say not what they do?? hmm.. this post seems to fly in the face of that. cuz if real recognizes real..if you want out.. why can’t you just say so? and if its supposedly not to hurt our feelings.. then why do a grown up act then follow up with a childish way to save yourselves from emotions?
hmm..deep thoughts. jack handy.
That’s why they ALWAYS get caught. I quote Noah’s Ark…”Stunts and Shows”. I heart u 2 my dear Keisha.
noah’s ark the tv show???
that show…. was just. too. much.
“Somebody like Elin! Free Tiger’s Assets!”
TEAM ELIN!!! : ) That’s all…. Carry on…
* “I have an audition for this new Winston Jerome play in the morning. I’m going to give him everything I have. Pause.”
* Kiss her on the forehead and then whisper, “I left $20 on the nightstand.” Then leave.
* “The new iPhone 3G is coming out tomorrow, and I need to secure my spot in line.”
It’s official I’m naming my next five dogs Roodabega.
Thanks P.
An excuse to leave a girl’s crib has never been a problem for me. It’s much harder to get them to leave your crib, especially if they have nothing else to do the next day. So everything you say you gotta do, they try to tag along with you but you just want them to leave your crib so you have your space.
Therefore I came up with something to do that only a morbid person would want to do. That’s right, I got fully suited and booted and said I had a funeral to go to. This way she’ll even feel sorry that she was acting greedy for your time while you were trying to mourn with fam.
Bwahahahahahah! You got dressed to the nines to get her out! CTFU!
@Chris
I cosign you.
Bruh, I have done the EXACT same thing. Well, not quite suited and booted, but dressed none the less. I had to post my misadventure after reading this.
I could actually use this one this weekend since Im on call but…
Set your phone alarm to go off at a random time, using a ring tone as the alarm… pretend to answer the phone and then tell your visitor “you have to go, Im on call and I have to do an emergency ”
regardless of what you do for a living this works, you could say you volunteer for a youth hot line, the samaritains, your church, or nothing at all. The more ambiguous the better.
I dont know why this got cut off
“Set your phone alarm to go off at a random time, using a ring tone as the alarm… pretend to answer the phone and then tell your visitor “you have to go, Im on call and I have to do an emergency ”
after emergency insert ambiguous comment (mediation, consultation, bail out of jail, etc)
Hopefully these will work
1) Bolt up, act like you heard something, grab your ish, and run out the door. All blacks have a natural instinct to get on the criminal defense as soon as a threat occurs. S/he will think the cops about to bust through at any moment. By the time s/he realize nothing is happening, you will be at McD’s drive-thru getting that big breakfast. Sausage burrito.
2) Yell at s/he for having bed bugs and roaches. Start scratching immediately, repeatedly muttering how you ain’t about to go through another round of popping blisters and ointment therapies. Look at s/he with all the disgust for their gross housekeeping. Make sure to angrily shake out your personal items (clothes, shoes, weaves, etc). [If you really feel bold, wake up coughing like you just swallowed one of those mofos]
BWAHHAHAAAAAAA- so wrong for both of these, BUT truly funny as he!!
#1 Had me ROFL…that’s the funniest ish I’ve read on this post so far!
Damn I’m still laughing…that was good.
If 1 and 2 don’t seem to work for you, there’s always the last resort…
3) Grab a clove of garlic while s/he is still asleep. Chew the dickens out of it. Then as s/he wakes, whisper harshly in their face “Hey baby, how you sleep?” The momentary (or 2 min) coma you just put them in will allow you to make up some type of argument about them not being happy that you are still here (Oh you gonna look at me like that after last night, fine I’m gone)
This one is tricky as it requires a lot of premeditation and personal inconvenience (your tastebuds will be demolished and your breath will be kickin like Bruce Lee for about a week).
“1) Bolt up, act like you heard something, grab your ish, and run out the door. All blacks have a natural instinct to get on the criminal defense as soon as a threat occurs. S/he will think the cops about to bust through at any moment. By the time s/he realize nothing is happening, you will be at McD’s drive-thru getting that big breakfast. Sausage burrito.”
bwaahahahahaa!!!
I swear I love this site….you guys are crazy! lol
@wu young agent of me
This one is old school so I doubt if anyone uses it. “I’ve got to go get a pack of cigarettes. I’ll be right back.”
I loves it! I’m a non-smoking chick and I use this liberally after bad encounters…I usually feel bad immediately afterwards so I end it with a kiss on the forehead and hand the guy his clothes so he can leave my place.
I also use
1. I have a flight in the morning
2. That was nice – Bye
3. The door locks itself on your way out
4. I kinda like waking up to me, myself and I in the morning – knawmsayin?
You have to be handing the person their clothes when you do this tho. You dont want them to miss the point!
Somehow ALL the guys I’ve kicked out have become a bit obsessed with me after I’ve been mean…strange
Man, I am jealous of y’all. I wish I could had a reason to come up with an excuse to leave after some chex. I usually kept my mouth shut and did what I was told because God only knew when the opportunity would come around again. I was usually on the receiving end of the excuses when I think back on it. I was just lucky to get it when I got it, so if she wanted to cuddle, cuddling is what she got. If you she didn’t want me to make eye contact with on campus, no problem.
Embarrassing story time: I got back into town yesterday and before I got home, I stopped by KFC and got a bite to eat. When I pulled up, there was this beautiful woman in a red mustang parked outside, like she was waiting for someone. She had a mean look on her face, like she had ugly girl problems or something. Because the KFC was attached to a barber shop and a convenience store, so I put my food in the car and ran in got some beers to relax at the house with. I had a bunch of quarters from washing my car the other day so as I was walking out of the store, my change was falling down for some reason. One of the barbers was outside of the barbershop and more change was falling out. He was like do I have a hole in my pocket and I said I don’t know. So as I was walking, I decided to cup my pocket to prevent the change from falling out but in a split second, I realized I looked retarded. While all of this was happening, I also realized that the girl in the Mustang looking in my general direction. In the split second of trying to look cool and not like a retard, I dropped my beers. All three of them. The barber outside was like “Ooooo man.” I just told him that I was having a bad day, when in reality, I got distracted by the possibility of a beautiful woman looking my way. He said “Ima pray for your brother”. I laughed the whole way home.
I hope that story gave you a laugh and hope everyone enjoys the 4th this weekend. I’m going to be popping fireworks like a mentally handicapped kid because I live outside of Houston city limits. Yay.
So, you said you looked retarded…you must have been cupping your back pocket. You were cupping your own booty? Heeeee.
Also, not only is it FML-worthy to drop your beers, you had to have a hot chick looking at it happen. You were looking thirsty because the hot chick was staring, and you managed to end up…thirsty (after losing the beers). Eff your life. Aw. *pats back*
I’m glad you laughed it off, though.
No, it was my right pocket. I started walking funny while trying to cup it and hold the bag of beer. I went back into the store and got some more beer, but man that was embarrassing. I got plenty of stories like that. When I was a freshman in high school, I used to walk this cute girl to her locker after math class and at twice a week for about a month, I would smack dab into an opening door because I was paying attention to her. Thank God I didn’t end up with a broken nose.
Aw, you are TOO cute. *pinches cheeks*
lol…
awwww… this story just made you more endearing..
i’m sorry, but yes, i’m laughing at you..
but not for long because i’m sure i got a story or two..
(as evidenced yesterday..)
and since you’r eback home, i’m expecting something.. and you know what it is!!
GOW…
I was hoping you would laugh at me. It was so funny that I had to put it out there. I’ll be on GOW II this weekend.
CBG needs SFG to give him a hug-awwwwwwwwwwww
When I finished your sad but cute story, all I thought to myself was “I hope he didn’t leave that good change on the ground”
I had like $3 in quarters so I definitely was not going to lose the good change.
“I usually kept my mouth shut and did what I was told because God only knew when the opportunity would come around again.”- this right here made me sad for a minute or two…but then realized that it IS CBG after all, and with all that smartness you possess , no need for me to be sad about nothing that is CBG related… enjoy settin off those fireworks, but be careful &”mentally handicapped” & fireworks should not be used in the same sentence, for safety’s sake anyway,,,,just sayin
LOL. I knew someone was going to catch that. I should have said that with the excitability of a mentally handicapped child. I can honestly say that I buy an ignorant amount of fireworks for the 4th that the little kids in my cul-de-sac just sit outside and watch me act like an idiot setting off fireworks.
i dont believe you cbg..you need more people.
you are the unicorns of all unicorns.
I am serious. College was definitely a learning experience for me. The stuff like that story happens to me all the time. When the girl laughs at you, it just makes it worse.
When the girl laughs at you, it just makes it worse.
I don’t know, folk…depending on the situation, you can use the clumsiness to your advantage…possibly parlay that into some digits being offered (VSS have made it obvious that they appreciate a man who can make ‘em laugh). If she was that bad AND she was already looking/laughing, you should’ve taken a shot…ya’ never know.
Cosign.
She’s already smiling? Yessir. Go ‘head and approach and feel her out. You don’t wanna look like an a*s for nothin, right?
@CBG
Turn your weakness into your strength and all that jazz.
@ComicBookGuy
I love you like a brother. But I have to call you out for violating VSB man law article 15 section 8.
Never, ever ruin beer, drank, or greens for the attention or affection of a woman other than your sister mother aunt or cousin.
The consequences for your actions will be determined in VSB man law court
You forgot chicken wings
Dude, it wasn’t like I was trying to ruin the beer. It just happened, but I will accept my consequences. But she was bad, though, man.
Awwwww CBG! *ehug and butt cheek squeeze*…You didn’t get any in college?? They dissed you like that baby? Eff those chickens..they didn’t know a good man when they saw one. Don’t worry. I’ll give you some. Call me, 954-GET-ITIN.
And you can spend the night
Be careful, girl…some folks on here might actually try to reach you at that #….I’m sure it’s some thirsty ninjas on this here site…
Lurkers scare me. *clutching robe* I feel sorry for whoever answers. Bwah ha ha
Lol Thank you, sweetheart. I did get some in college but just whenever I could get it. I definitely was not a chick magnet in college. I got some pretty funny stories from school, though. I can spend the night. That’s funny. The clutching robe bit was funny, too.
I thought I would share my embarassing story of the day. I was getting my makeup done by my gay husband at the MAC counter in pg plaza(I luv Greg!!!) wearing strapless dress when my strapless bra died on me
. I’m a 34dd and she was a 34d so I kilt her. RIP …she ain’t been right since she was accidentally placed in the washin machine smh…
I believe Humble_One would say that you are in gross violation of VSB law, code 773842…statements like this are not permitted w/out visual evidence (i.e., a photo)…that is all.
PS: Your use of “budussy” earlier has cemented your spot as my favorite VSS…I use that word frequently myself…no matter where I am (i.e., on an elevator…”Whew…smells like budussy in here”), who I’m around (i.e., “Mama, you smell that? Smells like budussy in here”….Moms uses it too, so it’s all good), etc.
@jai
the strapless bra funeral.
i’ve had to hold/attend some of those myself.
so sad. so sad.
when people say the grass is always greener…this is one of those cases. i will never ever EVAH be able to go braless in my life. well..outside of my house that is. boo hoo hoo
I’ve definitely came up with my fair share of excuses to dip after I’ve dipped. Freak Nasty.
But you know what really grinds my gears? *Peter Griffin*
A woman that spends the night who has no plans of her own the following day. (Funny how they never tell you that until the morning). That is the worst. Getting rid of a woman like that is like trying to get rid of roaches…..or Jehovah Witnesses…..whichever is easier. It will require stealth, creativity, and untapped academy award winning acting abilities you never knew you had. No disrespect to the JW’s btw.
I’ve had to go as far as to pull out some Wayne Brady improv:
Upon hearing, “I actually don’t have anything to do today, so Mr. SoBo, you know, I was thinking maybe we could spend the day together.”,.. What I really heard was “And action!”. Upon which I immediately got up, gave an excuse about realizing I had something to do, proceeded to shower and dress all while expressing regret that we cannot spend the day together(making sure to really sell those sad puppy dog eyes), walked her to her car, then got into my car, drove unto the main street for 10 mins(as she was also heading in that same direction), waved goodbye out my car window before making a series of random turns, parked on some side street for another 10 mins to kill time (as a precaution in case my acting wasn’t convincing enough for her and she decides to pull back in front of my crib) before finally turning back home, stripping down, jumping back into bed and do nothing by my got d@mn self as I had been planning all got d@mn week.
And I’m still waiting for my got d@mn Oscar nomination. Got d@mn racist Academy.
@Mr SoBo- and now I must pull out my own soapbox, and so it goes….why would you even bother to “get in in” with someone that you would go to such lengths to get rid of? Sweet Cheezus…that you had to drive around aimlessly, park on the wrong street, give her the fakea$$ puppy dog eyes & all , one question here, just one if you would allow me, why didn’t you just say “I’m sorry but we can’t spend the day together?”, maybe it’s me & my logical , honest self, BUT I guess this is just reason number 64,432 why ninjas can not be trusted…stepping down now, and good luck on that oscar, it is in the mail as we speak…I’m gonna leave now, mumblin some ish to myself about lyin a$$ ninjas & the lengths that they will go to…whew I feel better now….ta
@ bajanflchick
Sometimes some people dont understand that you want to be alone, and they take offense and/or feel hurt, esp after a night/mrng of cuttin’. So in order to spare feelings of some of your fairer s*x sisters, sometimes tactful manuevering needs to be employed. Its not about lying to be devious or malicious. I actually liked the girl, and had every intentions on seeing her again. However, for that one day, I really wanted SoBo time.
My ni$$a. Alonzo (Denzel) in Training Day.
You deserve a nomination after this…your commitment to the role is exemplary….
And this…
“parked on some side street for another 10 mins to kill time (as a precaution in case my acting wasn’t convincing enough for her and she decides to pull back in front of my crib) before finally turning back home, stripping down, jumping back into bed and do nothing by my got d@mn self as I had been planning all got d@mn week.”
…brought a tear to my eye ‘cuz I done been there myself…lawdknows I done been there myself (*wipes away a tear while applauding Mr. SoBo’s performance)
@Sobo
I get it. If you wanted to chill or had things to do, that would ruin your whole day UNLESS you really liked the woman. *cough* But I’m grown up enough to know that you don’t have to like her to sleep with her…so that’s your bad for bringing her to the bat cave and letting her know where you live. You wouldn’t have to park for 10 mins if you were at her place. Your story is pretty d@mn funny though. I’m going to text Nick and tell her to be sure to kick you out afterwards…just saying.
y’all are terrrrribull.
i’ve only had experiences of having to flee with one person… and i hearted him… i just didn’t heart spending too much time with him. lol.
so, i’d just set my alarm for 530am and bounce while he was sleep. but i always left some endearing note on the pillow with my perfume so he’d know i regretted having to leave. never put a reason for leaving… just a few nice poetic words.
that’s the great thing about poetry. you can say things without actually saying anything and they will be none the wiser.
oh, and ‘pump and dump’, ‘get thee to a nunnery’ and the whole of number 4 had my cracking up.
seek help, Panama. seriously. lol.
That’s what I love about poetry. Ha ha
Usually it’s a kiss on the forehead
or notand a simple “I gotta go.” with enough bass in the voice to make sure she knows I ain’t playin.Keep it moving and make steady progress towards the door. If she doth protest
turn around and shout “Get thee to a nunnery!”I usually have explained beforehand that I have…class to go to.
practicum to go to.
to get back to my corner
and I need a ride.That tag killed me. My high school history teacher who was a kappa said that to a girl in our European history class. I died then too.
I ain’t even curse and my comment is in moderation? SMH
Happy Fourth of July errybody!
A few weeks ago I used “I can’t spend the night cuz I have to wake up early and go running. you know, training for a 5k.” i mean, it worked…
iF u RIiLLy d0nt w@nt hIm 2 caLL U BAck, s3nd h!m @ txt mSg lik3 Th!$ pr0Bl3m s0lVed
If someone said #3 to me I’d definitely start giggling into the pillow and and singing, “I always fall for your type. I just can’t explain this sh*t at all.”
Last July 4 boo (retrospectively renamed ‘wtf was i thinking’) and I spent the morning laid up giggling Drakeisms to each other and inspecting our taser (welts? is that the right word?)
Notes:
-Never get a bottle of Hennessy on July 3 thinking it’ll see the 4th.
-Baby daddies make better hit and runs (sprints) than booships. 100.
-Giggling into the pillow is always good. There’s just som’n about it.
LAST.
LAST!!!!