Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

I’d Love Hate F*cking You

***Before we begin today, I wanted to give some love to VSB vet and neuroscientist—yes, she’s a motherf*cking brain scientist—Ivy St., who, after successfully defending last week, is now Ivy St., Ph.D. She is the shit and shit, and I’m proud of and happy for her.***

Yea, I don’t care either

I first fell in love with Stacey Dash before I was old enough to realize why exactly I had fallen in love with her. As Richard Pryor’s teenage daughter in the much worse than it could have been but much better than you probably remember it being “Moving,” Dash was impossibly, almost intentionally cute. It was almost as if the purpose of each of her personal characteristics was to somehow enhance her overall aesthetic. The only reason she had elbows or a sense of smell was to somehow make her cuter. She was cute because she was Cute. She wasn’t just the definition of cute, she was the actual word, like how God is Love and Aretha is Titties.

As the years passed, Dash unfathomably continued to get better looking, culminating in her and her nipples starring in Kanye’s “All Falls Down” video, also known as “the best 4:05 of my life.”

That Dash has recently done a 180 in my mind would be an understatement. It would also be a lie. To do a 180, one has to be the complete opposite of how you felt about them before. And, to be perfectly honest, until her bizarre pro-Republican rants before the election, I had no opinion of Stacey Dash other than “Stacey Dash looks like she was somehow bred by a basket full of mangos.” But, between her obsession with Paul Ryan and the fact that she seems to be the single worst actress to work with in Hollywood, Dash—while still bathwater-level beautiful (“bathwater-level beautiful” = ummm, nevermind. That’s a bit too gross to print)—does not seem to be someone people would actually like if she wasn’t bathwater-level beautiful

(And, if calling her the worst seems harsh, think about this. Actors and actresses talk shit about each other all the time, but it’s usually off the record or dismissed as a rumor. In Dash’s case, though, people are excited, gleeful and shit, to go on the record with their names, addresses, and social security numbers to let everyone know how much of a dick she apparently is to work with. Like, when they’re done talking about her, you can almost feel them wanting to say “…and you can tell that bitch I said it!!!”)

Yet, despite all of this—her apparent vapidness, her tone-deafness, her inability to get coworkers to like her, and, since she hasn’t aged in 22 years, her apparent deal with the Devil—I still wouldnt kick her out of bed. Actually, let me stop playing. I would drink her bathwater…after a Zumba class…and a marathon…while she was on her (Yes, I’m about to say what you think I was about to say. If you don’t want to read this next word, just scroll down to the next paragraph) period¹.

If anyone needs any proof of God’s sense of humor, look no further than the fact that He made it so that we could be very, very, very sexually attracted to someone who we don’t actually like—people we’d love to hate f*ck.

You already read about mine. People of VSB.com, can you name anyone who you kind of sort of hate but would still give them the business like it’s 1999?

¹Told you it was gross

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Manny

    Well DAMN

  • Manny

    I’m gonna get grosser…Would you suck a hot fart out of her *ss?

    • MissLadyJaneDoe

      *throwing up in my mouth*
      -_-

    • Cheech

      that’s too gross for words

    • msdebbs

      Ugh…thats so GROSS!

    • msdebbs

      no more Brazilian porn for you sir!

    • That Ugly Kid

      Sucking a hot fart? That’s nothing. How about sucking on her azzhole after she’s just finished eating White Castle burgers?

      • Iceprincess2

        *throws up in mouth*

      • Sweet GA Brown

        TUK you are doing the most. I feel the urge to cough, gag, and throw up my flintstone vitamin.

        • JessicaL

          I miss Flintstone vitamins!

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        I never hear women talk like this. At the most we’ll say we’d fight for a dude or share him. Be barefoot in his kitchen. Men ain’t right in the head.

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          I’ve listened to many a conversations regarding women…and I’ll say otherwise.

        • Iceprincess2

          @WIP you just now figuring that out? :-)

      • Rewind

        I’ll top that with Taco Bell.

    • Asiyah

      I got a grosser one…licking a person’s genital wart or herpes breakout area.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      How about a hot wet fart? :)

  • iamnotakata

    I’m pulling the shade slightly down on your bath water liking of Stacey Dash because I really think she is a c*nt…But I’m going to pull it right back up because although I think he has become the definition of a co0n….I would probably be inclined to drink the bath water of Ike Turners nephew Chris Brown….proceed with shade…

    • Iceprincess2

      Co-sign! Good choice.

      • Aly

        No.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          LOL.

    • Lisa

      Eeuw!!! Puked in my mouth! I thought he was creepy before the beatdown, no particular reason – he just looked to lascivious for a teen in his music vids & I hated his my balls haven’t dropped yet voice. just to reiterate Eeuw!!!

      • southernsweetness

        AGREED!!!

  • http://jasonsloan.blogspot.com Jason LA Sloan

    I guess I’ll just have to stand in line for Stacey Dash…

    Clean her up though, I’m not into that bathwater shit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/infodapoet DK Wright

    FIRST……reallly?….Great.. But seriously. DASH lost all points to me after that. But idk any who I feel that way about…. Maybe Ross Black gf from friend…maybe.

  • http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/ B. Brown

    For me, this is pretty much limited to female FOX News anchors (and people who come close enough, like a former bed buddy of Glen Rice). Megyn Kelly would likely top that list.

    I can think of reasons to like everyone else.

    • MissLadyJaneDoe

      lol….no words.

    • kid video

      this is pretty much limited to female FOX News anchors

      (Sly)Fox News had this lite-skinnet anchor chick name Amy Holmes…I think she also works for a conservative think tank.

      Cute face and smile…but when she speak about conservative public policy, you just know she has a heart that pumps black blood…

      I still beat it up…

      • http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/ B. Brown

        Yes…I first saw Amy on Real Time with Bill Maher a few years ago. My heart sank when she started talking. Angela McGlowan (who I don’t think is there anymore) wasn’t bad either when I saw her.

        • Intelligentleman

          Yeah…that’s who I thought of first…Amy Holmes.

        • Rewind

          That’s the first time I saw her too. Type of chick that can turn a raging boner into an empty banana in .4530 seconds.

          But it’s the emphasis that she’s the spoiled rich black girl, not the Black girl of struggle that is evident when she speaks.

          • chameleonic

            heres the mail it never fails. makes me wanna wag my tail. when it comes i wanna yell, emaaaaaiiil!

            • Rewind

              You sooooo craaazy, I hit you back, go check.

        • http://rhondamae.wordpress.com Rhonda

          Men who watch new programs = turn on.

          *carry on*

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      Female Fox anchors? Remember Kiran Chetry? She’s not at Fox anymore- she’s at CNN now. HOT!!!!!

      • http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/ B. Brown

        Didn’t know she was on Fox. Seen her on CNN…and I co-sign.

    • SweetSass

      Michelle Malkin > Megyn Kelly in the looks department. Also bests her in being more psychotic.

      • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 Fiveisthenumber

        +5…I’d hate fcuk the hale out of malkin..

        • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 Fiveisthenumber

          And Elizabeth Hasslebeck…

          • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 Fiveisthenumber

            And Florida Evans…she broke a perfectly good punch bowl!

  • sugahoneyicedtea

    A couple of people smh..

    • That Ugly Kid

      Naw. Name names, yo.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      word u aint exempt girl…name drop

      • Iceprincess2

        Aaaaw look at Tristan bringing the sexy today in his avi! You go boi *Gina voice.*

        • mena

          RIGHT?!? Trying to be all grown.

          • Yoles

            i peeped it on the low myself…

            • Breezy

              Tristian trying to line up that REMINISCE date before the New Year party…lololol

              • Sweet GA Brown

                Hmmm. I just might go to the Reminice party for New Years….

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        y’all silly

      • http://rhondamae.wordpress.com Rhonda

        I’m gonna play it safe and say Morris Chestnut. He’s just never lost his appeal to me, and now that Idris Elba is on the scene, I just can’t convert. I’d lick Morris down to his pinky toes, but I f*cking hate everything about him. Hmph.

        • http://www.freshdemeanor.com Brandon

          I DESPISE Zoe Saldana. She is only ever seen with white dudes or light skinned black ones. Really. Think about it. Look up her Bio. She fine tho. I couldn’t turn her down. But I’d definitely karate kick her if I met her

  • Nyangi

    First?

    • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

      Sixth. You get a ribbon.

      • Iceprincess2

        Ha! Malik is always s deadpan; I love it.

        • Iceprincess2

          *so

  • Cheech

    Not gonna lie i was thinking Kim K or Rihanna….I can’t stand Kim K off the fact that she has no talent, is making a ton of money and is hella thirsty. But let’s be real, I would knock it so hard that FEMA would have to clean the wreckage….plus a gift of a lambo would not hurt either.

    I would bag Rihanna just to piss off Chris Brown

    • msdebbs

      Kim K. really? Herpes n all huh?

      • Cheech

        Oh true…..prior to herpes……

        • Iceprincess2

          Everybody in hollyweird has herpes nowadays. It’s like the common cold smdh.

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

            Or hepatitis- shout out to Pamela Anderson.

    • http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/ B. Brown

      You want to get on Breezy’s nerves? Not too sure about that. He’s the least stable brother in entertainment this side of Target’s Worst Nightmare.

      • Breezy

        Leave Katt alone!!!!! ROTFLMBO

      • Cheech

        Rihanna is worth it and besides if Breezy runs at me, I will just throw bottles

    • GirlSixx

      “I would knock it so hard that FEMA would have to clean the wreckage”

      Well Dayummmm!!!!!

      lol

  • Hawaii

    I totally get it tho as I grew up with a girl crush on Ms. Dash.

    No one famous for me but a former friend of mine, I’d LOVE hate f*cking him.