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I Work, I Get the Job Done

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If you look around, inappropriate behavior is everywhere. Mothersmurfers are out everywhere smurfin’ people they have no business smurfin’.

Well nowhere is this statement more appropos than the world-famous workplace romance. And just to be difficult, let’s throw the Academic Brain T(h)rust in there for good measure (might have to address this one on its own, actually).

Generally, I poo on pooh-poohing where one dines. What with today’s recession, you’d think people would do everything in their power to make their jobs as cushy and drama free as possible (to include visiting VSB.com assuming it isn’t banned at your job yet), yet some people don’t give a flying copulation and throw caution to the wind like Charles Barkley at a casino buffet.

However, who am I to judge really? I’ve never done the workplace romance but I’ve seen more than enough to know that there are some rules to this sh*t. I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get, your game on track…with no more drama.

Word to Mary J. Blige.

By the way, this doesn’t apply to Hollywood where a workplace romance is almost mandatory. How else could Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey be explained? Then again, I’m convinced Mariah has some bats in her belfry so perhaps it’s a fitting romance.

People don’t say “bats in the belfry” enough.

5 Ways To Ensure Your Workplace Romance Doesn’t End Up Going Postal

1) Avoid them at all costs

Generally you shouldn’t be schlumping anybody who constantly works within 10 feet of you all day. That’s just bad mojo. The cutesy stuff like sending mango-scented paper planes and hoping nobody sees it will only last for a good week. After a while, seeing them every minute of the day will get older than John McCain. Keep the space unless you’re…invading the space.

2) If you must have constant contact, don’t be awkward

You know, after that first physical encounter, somebody’s gonna have questions. 9.12 times out of 10, the chick is going to be wondering what’s going on now. The best thing you can do is not act awkward towards her. If you do, she’ll try to stab you with a letter opener. And she can get one too. Most offices have them.

3) Shut your trap

Like most criminals, things generally go wrong once one party starts yapping. The optimal situation is for both parties to hush-the-fudge up. The quieter its kept, the more fun the two of you can have while you pretend your both samurai’s of the XiuXiang Order with a secret only for the King of China. In this case, the king is Xerox, but the game is fun, no?

4) No unnecessary flirtatiousness with the office help

Since you met them at work, they might be a little more attentive to see if you’re just a workplace pimp out there trying to give everybody “raises”. Even if you don’t want them for anything more than just a little “work-out”, the least you can do is NOT obviously dismiss them by showing interest in the chick who gives you staples. Keep your supplies to yourself, Mister!

5) Piggybacking on #4, don’t get caught taking some body from the 4th floor to lunch

Not.a.good.look. The quickest way to get stabbed, at work, is to blatantly start taking some other person out to eat during lunch. Oh my goodness, and don’t pay for the cookie. Hmm…that has a double meaning.

Fact is people, if you must make the funtime with somebody that you work in close quarters with, the least you can do is be as conspicuous as possible and not just use them for copy-room fun. We here at VSB.com promote a sense of relationship unity and support.

So I suggest quitting.

But since you won’t do that…what are some other ways to avoid workplace fun-time drama?

And I KNOW some of y’all got workplace stories and experiences. Let’s do the knowledge!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Copy Editty Betty

    INconspicuous?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i went to public high school in alabama.

      sue me.

      • genius khan

        …and so did i. (go to public highschool in Alabama)

        what does that say about being “bama”

        some of the slowest, wackest, lack of swank, lack of game, lack of originality, provincial peoples i have ever met high-schooled outside of Alabama.

        feel that.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          me too…i was making a funny.

          everybody knows the slow folks are really from mississippi and west virginia!

          *ducking tomatoes*

          • genius khan

            “everybody knows the slow folks are really from mississippi and west virginia!”

            that’s so bama. u bama.

            LOL!

            • SheReigns

              Hahaaaaa FUNNNNNNY.

              I am from the great state of Mississippi and do not dispute this.

              I spent my formative years in Georgia. (whew!)

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                vsb.com: bringing the remaining literate southerners together since 1913

        • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

          Word to George Wallace! I hate the term “bama”. Even though I went to school in Georgia, which is better than everywhere, I still have love for my southern neighbors. Some of my favorite people are in Alabama! Anyway, most of the people I have heard use that term as an insult are usually the most pathetic lemmings in the crowd.

          Am I obviously sensitive about that?

          • V Renee

            Buck – If you hate the word ‘baba’, then I guess you better not go to DC.

            • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

              That’s the problem……I’m already there!

    • shay-d-lady

      Men should really be careful. I have seen a lot of women get scorned and then file sexual harrassment suits. A lot of companies are gun shy about these suits and any hit of impropriety will result in the guy getting ousted.

  • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

    I’ve never had a true “office romance”, per se. I did go on two dates once with someone in my department, but both evenings ended with the pitter patter church hug(= 6″ inches between the chest & groin while hugging). This was strange to me because the s*xual tension at work was much more obvious; and physical boundaries were crossed frequently in the office(=longer hugs, sitting on laps, random back rubs). But even as innocent as that was, it did have a touch of awkwardness to it because a) we worked in the same building and b) because we became friends and I had to hear about all of his s*xscapades with other random broads (he was the f*ck and tell type). This was a little tough, because I still had a crush on him at the time. In retrospect, I’m glad nothing ever manifested from this because he turned out to be a real man whore.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “real man whores” was one of our finalists before we chose very smart brothas

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        This statement is about to get me fired

        My boss is so back in the building

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        Why doesn’t this one get old. CTFU!)

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      This was strange to me because the s*xual tension at work was much more obvious; and physical boundaries were crossed frequently in the office(=longer hugs, sitting on laps, random back rubs).

      Where the FULL(-LL+CK) do you work?? Platinum City?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Where the FULL(-LL+CK) do you work?? Platinum City?”

        LOL

        • V Renee

          “Where the FULL(-LL+CK) do you work?? Platinum City?”

          HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

          But no really, where did you work?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        Where the FULL(-LL+CK) do you work?? Platinum City?

        some names can’t be anything other than a strip club. platinum city is one.

        • miss t-lee

          It better be a place with a Champagne room…lol

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        you have me crackin’ up over here Goodie! no! it was not platinum city (lol) it was just a plain ol’ office setting…where sometimes we’d hug our coworkers. The lap business & back rubs (probably seen as less innocent) occurred because there wasn’t an extra chair and I wanted to use his computer. But nobody was on the floor or gettin’ it in the copy room. See??? innocent. ;)

        • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

          PatteeCakes…innocent schminnocent…ain’t no “innocent” lap sitting at work unless it’s tip drill Tuesdays up in Accounting!!

          • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

            “…unless it’s tip drill Tuesdays up in Accounting!!”

            LMAO!!!

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            fo sho.

            seriously, theres no such thing as an innocent lap sit for grown-ups. i think that right there is second base all by itself

            • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

              **Pope mobile ride by**

              • miss t-lee

                @ Wu…
                bwhahahha

          • Vodka&Milk

            I’m about to choke on my fry….lol!

        • shay-d-lady

          LOL we have a lake outside our office building..rumor has it several people have been caught uhhmm….learning to drive a stick. I cant confirm because they too were fired…LMAO

  • Shay-d-lady

    A year ago my husband worked as a manager for a local non-profit. Budget cuts, high mortgages and very few well paying jobs later I got him a job at my company in the same location. We have been able to keep it under wraps but we recently had to put his car in the shop so we rode back and forth to work together and shared the car for lunch. Now things are getting tricky. Now I get the girls all laughing and saying “girl, I didnt know he was married”….”Girl, that’s your husband? He is so funny..dresses so nice…etc. Which is fine unless we have had an argument and then that sh!t pisses me off to no end. Add to that the random times where I might fall up on him talking to a chick in the hallway or break room etc. I am not a jealous chick so I don’t trip but I do get that twinge so I can just imagine what would happen if I was jealous. Let’s just say that I love him and trust him but I am shopping his resume around at a furious pace…..any of yall hiring?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I am not a jealous chick so I don’t trip but I do get that twinge so I can just imagine what would happen if I was jealous”

      this seems like a bit of a contradiction

      • shay-d-lady

        it is and it isn’t…for the most part I dont trip when we are not together. I dont imagine him fooling around, I dont worry about him messing off. I dont go through his phone or trip when he goes out. However if I am walking down the hall not thinking about anything and see him talking to an attractive female I am caught off guard and I do get a tiny twinge but I shake it off , remember I love and trust my husband and move on.

  • Shay-d-lady

    Now on another note in the past year we have had two very big office romances blow up on the job. One couple met at the job, moved in together and bought a car. Long story short they broke up and dude came up to the job on his off day while she was at work and drove off in the car. She called the police submitted a police report only to find out that he took the car, suffice to say the next day they got to arguing in the break room and both of them got fired. Then we had a night manager carrying on with one of his employees. Well his wife found out about it, Got her friends ID (to enter the building) came up to the job in her nikes, sweats and do rag and acted a plum fool!! he got fired and so did the friend who “lost” her ID and the girlfriend…..now that I think about it workplace romances might be the cause of the economic down turn…

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      OOOOOOOOOO!! Now THATs some drama for that ass!

    • ForReal

      Dag. Your job had no qualms about firing people huh?

      • shay-d-lady

        yeah, I live and work in the south for a very conservative company..they dont play that foolishness

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      “Got her friends ID (to enter the building) came up to the job in her nikes, sweats and do rag and acted a plum fool!!”

      how come nobody ever gets dressed up to act a donkey? why folks got to show u in do-rags and sweat pants? not only do you cause a ruckus looking like you have no sense, if you end up on the news you look like a crackhead…with no sense.

      i want folks to cause drama dressed like they’re going to the club.

      • miss t-lee

        Did she have her face vaselined up as well?!

      • The Queen

        You can fight much better in a do-rag (so they can’t get a good grip on your hair) and sweatpants (so you can move comfortably and freely) than you can all cutesy. At least that is what the people tell me.

        • shay-d-lady

          yeah when I was “in them streets” I had my share of fist fights. you want a form fitting shirt, loose pants, do rag and Vaseline on the face for the following reasons..
          Loose pants -ease of movement
          doo rag-with a stocking cap underneath. Prevent the hair pulling
          Vaseline-most girls will attempt to scratch the face, this provides moderate protection from that
          Form fitting shirt-a loose shirt or jacket can be pulled over the head, securing your arms resulting in you getting “peter rolled” or hit in the head at rapid fire speed

          • http://www.myspace.com Monnie

            Man, I have seen plenty of people get petey-rolled due to the big shirts…

          • V Renee

            doo-rag WITH the stocking cap. Ok kay kay!

  • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

    I haven’t had an office romance. My last 2 gigs have been in an office full of either white people (who I’m starting to distrust more and more by the day), and gay black men (I heart the gays).

    So btwn mean-mugging the pinks, and being the office hag (my shoe game is TIGHT. The gays can’t help but love me back), I haven’t had the opportunity to even get an office romance (not that I’m looking for one).

    • Shay-d-lady

      yeah the gays love a hot pump……

      • http://myspace.com/ezra504 Uninspired Muse

        “My shoe game is TIGHT”

        Thats a shirt..

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “yeah the gays love a hot pump……”

        …………………

        • SheReigns

          I get it…oh I’m crying over here…

      • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

        “yeah the gays love a hot pump……”

        (snicker)

    • ForReal

      I think ‘i love the gays’ is a t-shirt too!

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      Luvvie…I heart the gays too…las mariposas rock!! but beware…they love you cuz they want to BE you…lol…caught one of mine quoting me to someone (a stolen anecdote complete w/ facial expressions & hand talking) being all ME and sh*t…have you ever seen the drag queen version of yourself?? you’d think it would be flattering…but oh no!! it’s scary, scary sh*t!!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        “have you ever seen the drag queen version of yourself?? you’d think it would be flattering…but oh no!! it’s scary, scary sh*t!”

        **bewildered**

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “have you ever seen the drag queen version of yourself?? you’d think it would be flattering…but oh no!! it’s scary, scary sh*t!”

        honestly, if i walked out the door and saw that, i’d probably never leave the house again.

        • ForReal

          Lord knows it’s hard enough to get you out of the cave…we don’t need to give you another reason LOL

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            hey! dont talk bad about my cave. its actually coming on. i just installed some drywall this weekend, as well as another toilet

            • Intellectual Hedonist

              tired of using the port o potty?

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        iew that’s like seeing your parents do it or your dad 1st thing in the morning w/o his teeth in and hair all over the place n them long john pants all young under the robe. I think I’m going into a catatonic state.

        • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

          iew that’s like seeing your parents do it or your dad 1st thing in the morning w/o his teeth in and hair all over the place n them long john pants all young under the robe. I think I’m going into a catatonic state.

          WuDa…my parents are like rabbits…I used to bang on the door and yell “ya’ll been f*cking each other for like 20 years…it CAN”T be that good!!” and they both walked around the house au naturale and sh*t…damn…that flashback just made my thrapy bill go up a couple G’s…

          • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

            This visual scarred my mind so I can’t even imagine what the ACTUAL visual do to you.

            • miss t-lee

              For real. I don’t EVEN wanna know what goes down between my Dad and step-mom.
              YICK!!!!

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “ya’ll been f*cking each other for like 20 years…it CAN”T be that good!!”

            wait…you’d actually SAY that?

            • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

              @CHAMP….yes sir…I talk to them like they are my kids sometimes…they are since working on divorce number 2 (from each other) cuz the secks was all they had…but yeah…I said it…and they had the nerve to laugh like “orny-hay” teenagers!

              • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

                testing, testing.

                yay! i’m back in full effect! i thought the plantation shut it down, but yesterday must have been a busy day for the vsb server. with that said, i’m gonna chill out for awhile….except i can still comment on the phone ;)

          • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

            okay your world is sending me into a primal scream tyvm I mean if my parents were to do that to us. 1 we wouldn’t stand for it Moms would prolly be lookin like she was being aboused (mind you there is a foot height difference between her n he then his nickname from work cuz there were showers is big ickde)

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        “beware…they love you cuz they want to BE you”

        Yes, GOODEness, I agree. Someone told me that there are two types of gay men: those that HATE women, and those that want to ENVY women. I seem to be a magnet to those that want to have a coin purse.

        Eh, but what can you do? Stay fabulous, thats what.

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    is there a black web/log award for best and most euphemisms in a post? cuz i think u just won us one. LOL.

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      He surely did. The whole thing reads like a “Euphemism Ad-lib”. I love linguistically talented people.

      VSB: Increasing your use of ambiguous words and imagery since 2008.

      • miss t-lee

        Hee-hee!!!
        Put your thinking caps on kids…lol

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      Yo he Ming dinasty slayed whoever was the previous top dog. Made me feel like I was watching a NC17 movie on the wb late night. Hilarious!)

      actually after reading it. I feel like it should have an anouncer like the previews @ the movie w/ the guy w/the deep raspy voice. “Everybody’s smurfin where they shouldn’t be smurfin… only on vsb.com”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      aww gee thanks guys.

      *shedding a tear*

      actually, i didn’t even realize it until you mentioned it. i talk like this.

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        & that’s why “you don’t need malt liquor cuz your okay” Panama!)

        This has been a very pootie tangy psa

  • http://www.xanga.com/blazinhott99 blaze

    bats in the belfry? good Lord… you’re right about shutting your trap though. Talking can make it seem like you’re doing something you’re not EVEN doing…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Talking can make it seem like you’re doing something you’re not EVEN doing…”

      people know this, and people do this intentionally just so others might think that something is going on (even if it isn’t)

      • http://www.xanga.com/blazinhott99 blaze

        that’s just friggin silly though. I’ve seen people get divorced because one person WINKED at another. little things are what people watch first… and if you speak haphazard or deal with someone with loose gibs, you can lose your job. period.

      • http://lifeofaworkingmom.blogspot.com/ bballmom

        My husband and I have gone round and round about this. People assuming that because a conversation has been had between two people then something is going on.
        And men seem to be MUCH worse about throwing dirt than women when it comes to this. Some guys are always trying to make it seem like they are sleeping with someone else’s woman.
        Crazy, I tell you. I notice this a lot with the over 40 set in the LA area.

  • http://myspace.com/Time4SumAkShone AkShone

    Aw, man…this brings back memories. I had a work place romance during my first job after undergrad with a superior in upper management who was 10 years my senior. I didn’t plan it at all, I mean I thought she was tight, but I wasn’t tryin’ to get at her. We ended up running into each other at a lounge a couple of weeks after I had started; we spoke to one another and just kinda got to talking. She had gotten a divorce a year or so ago at the time and at first we just talked about work related topics, but I guess with alcohol, chemistry and a sexy atmosphere she opened up and I just listened.

    Over the course of a couple of months of small talk at the office and in passing…low and behold we run into each other again outside of work. This time at a house set where we found out we had mutual friends (my mentor’s girlfriend and her were sorority sisters) and my mentor’s girlfriend pulled me aside in a surprised, but subtle way and told me that I was the guy she had been talking about to her and that I needed to not get involved with someone at the office…especially someone in upper management. I assured her I didn’t plan on anything going down…but that soon changed. To make a long story short…we kept our relationship quiet, but we agreed to cut it off after some time due to some awkward situations, the age difference and just wrong timing…I ended up leaving to go to grad school in another state. Ironically, to this day I still use her as a professional reference…she’s happily married (I think), but we do talk through email once in a while. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that again, because I didn’t like all the awkward feelings, hiding and lying that we had to keep up and to be honest…I got caught up…I guess I was just young, dumb and lustfully intoxicated.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “young, dumb and lustfully intoxicated.”

      in other words, “the perfect way for a woman to be”.

      • The Queen

        Um, Champ…I think you should probably head over to the corner for that statement.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          the cleaning crew will be there for the rest of the week. goodeness made a big mess

          • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

            @Champ…my bad about the mess…I told you scotch gaurd er’thang in the corner…TEESH ain’t the only one you know…lol

          • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

            If the corner is outta commission for the rest of the week, then where will we send GOODEness?? I could see if there’s an alternate corner willing to take her b/c u kno she needs supervision.

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @Champ- from now on you shall be known as
        “The Dirty Diplomat”…what? you and Genius Khan passin’ notes now? And while you ponder over your new title, go on and take your a$$ to the corner! hop to it!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “@Champ- from now on you shall be known as
          “The Dirty Diplomat”…what? you and Genius Khan passin’ notes now? And while you ponder over your new title, go on and take your a$$ to the corner! hop to it!”

          **reminding ms. p that she doesnt have corner banishing priviledges**

          • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

            *reminding the Dirty Diplomat that he can’t spell*
            You mean privileges? And uh yes I do, because I say so. Liz, you grab his arms and I’ll get his legs.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              “*reminding the Dirty Diplomat that he can’t spell*
              You mean privileges? And uh yes I do, because I say so. Liz, you grab his arms and I’ll get his legs.”

              you and liz would need a few more people to get the job done.

              also, its always tough for me to spell when i’m sober

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      AkShone, this is a really good story. I enjoyed this bruh.

  • aja

    Um..i think i must purge..a lil bit

    The closest ive gotten was when I had a workplace “friendship w/benefits” that started and was over in a matter of weeks..We both knew it was the right thing to do..to break it off..before some shii got started that we couldnt control…
    So everything worked out for the best. That was my first and last time playin with fire at work..lol

    The emotional aspect in that kind of relationship is more intense than just having a regular relationship. All that sneaking around and wondering if anyone knows..and trying to cover up ur lies is Exhausting!!!
    So dont do it! ”

    Never do dirt where u make ur bread or lay your head!!”
    (now thats a T-shirt slogan!)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Um..i think i must purge..a lil bit”

      i’m glad you decided to purge

  • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

    Work place romances are not a good look. Period. They can be tempting at times, but one should avoid this at all costs.

    Why?

    *The awkardness isn’t worth it.

    *If things go bad, you STILL gotta see that person on a daily basis…adding fuel to the fire.

    *Others will stay in your business and that’s never a good look.

    *And lastly, it’s just not professional.

    • miss t-lee

      *The awkardness isn’t worth it.

      *If things go bad, you STILL gotta see that person on a daily basis…adding fuel to the fire.

      I concur.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “If things go bad, you STILL gotta see that person on a daily basis…adding fuel to the fire.”

      this is the main point right here. unless you’re convinced that theyre your “one”, its really not worth it.

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      Monk…keeping your bats in your belfry…was this a lesson learned the hardway??

      • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

        Yes mamm. Will never happen again though.