those who don’t know me personally may be surprised to learn that i’m (comically) bowlegged and pigeon-toed.
seriously.
comically.
like, more bowlegged than verne troyer and more pigeon-toed than michael jordan.
***pausing to allow everyone to fully grasp this imagery***
although it seems to attract teachers and women with track history’s this odd combination produces an unfortunate effect that forces me to completely replace my entire jean catalog every 24-30 months. you see, because of the way i walk, the fabric in my croutch area occasionally rubs together, creating a prolonged and concentrated wear and tear that eventually produces holes. holes right in between the area where nutsack meets thigh.
***pausing again to allow everyone to fully grasp this imagery***
since i’m usually not a big fan of jeans with exposed thigh skin, this makes them basically unwearable, and makes me devote an disproportionate percentage of my yearly salary to new blue jeans.
thinking about the fact that i can’t keep a pair of jeans longer than two years made me reflect on a few other talents i wish i had, but sadly don’t.
ironing
my ironing game is in the toilet. regardless of how hard i try, i always still end up with a wrinkle or two, taunting and teasing me like i’m kenyon martins mom. i’m to ironing what paul pierce is to “fresh line-up’s”.
staying mad
even if the anger is warranted, i find myself sometimes pretending to be angry just because i know that i’m supposed to be angry. my anger needs a pantheon full of more people.
making a good bowl of cream of wheat
i’ve been to 38 states, 4 countries and 2 continents. i earned a full scholarship to college, and i currently work in a profession that allow me to have a direct positive impact on a couple thousand kids. plus, i’m the champ and sh*t and i have an unlimited supply of deez.
yet, if i die without making at least one bowl of cream of wheat as good as my father’s, in my mind i’ll die a failure. i’m half¹-serious, of course, but still…the point remains
enough about me. people of vsb.com, what are some skills and talents you always wished you had but don’t possess?
¹by “half” i mean “completely”
–the champ
One thing I wish I had was a BIG RIDICULOUS BOOTY!
Inappropriate things I’d do if I had a huge booty:
* Wear short shorts in Chicago winter (5 feet of snow won’t stop me)
* Look offended when men try to speak to me and say “You’re talking to me, and my *ss is huge. Do you see where this problem is?”
* Hire a band to follow me and play music as I walk (it would deserve its own theme music)
* Hire a booty umbrella holder (to protect my donk from the rain)
* Declare my booty it’s own limited liability corporation, assigning myself as CEO, and ruling my jeans as tax deductible business expenses
I mean, I ain’t got no concave back-*ss but I don’t have an apple either. Seriously, If I had a big booty, I’d be a terror. The good Lawd knew what he was doing when he ain’t gimme a Buffie the Body donk
@Luvvie,
A big booty does not = a skill or talent, unless you are a video ho or skripper
@iloVEGrits,
So you’re tryna say that if I had a big booty, my career options could be expanded? See? Talent! In these TETs, I need all the leverage I can get lol
I could be somewhere doing brash for a lil bit of cash. Lucite heels game PROPER! My stage name would be “Donk For Days”. I’d make that cash and not make the cash make me.
I see it! lol
@iloVEGrits,
A big booty does not = a skill or talent
i used to frequent the perfume section of the lazarus department store in downtown pittsburgh just because one of the chicks working there had the best ass ever seen by a man. i actually wrote a poem about her ass.
if this isn’t a talent, i dont know what the hell is
@The Champ,
let the church say amen.
i can vividly remember all the calipygian women that worked in the retail places i frequented.
@Carver The Great!,
This burger spot at my job has to chick behind the register with more cakes than duncan hines. I be like “turn around one more time heaven aint hard to find”. lol
@iloVEGrits,
Oh but it keeps you in dates, marriage proposals and random men offering to do all manner of things for you.
a woman whose measurements run: 36-28-42
…marry me.
@Luvvie, One thing I wish I had was a BIG RIDICULOUS BOOTY!
girl no you dont.. I mean unless you ONLY plan to be a skripper…cause Im saying the older you get the less of an asset it is.. I mean do you know how awkward it is to have ghetto booty on the playground with the kids at your childs school?
its hard enough being black in coporate america but you aint gettin no love with the ghetto booty…
and you know sometimes you can play down big breasts, but aint no hidin a big a$$…LOL
@shay_d_lady, how does one down play big breast b\c i’m having difficulty with that as of late. Can a sista find a sundress or any dress for that matter with enough fabric to cover the breast and not just my areola?
@Satya, You should try a shrug Satya. I make them
http://www.museacdonline.etsy.com. A shrug is the solver to all office sundress problems. And they’re fly.
@pgh muse, thanks. I’ll check them out over the weekend
@Satya,
Preach
@shay_d_lady,
gerl, for what? j/k
i used to want a big booty too, but, eh. you win some, you lose some.
@shay_d_lady,
“the older you get the less of an asset it is”
…oh no, no, no my fellow Memphian. For example, it’s an attractive lady well into her forties at my office and she has quite the “cash and prizes” behind her and I always let her skip line at ANY company fuction as do any other brothas within her @ss radius.
Big @ss = benefits & shyt
@AkShone,
***nodding head***
@AkShone,
hell yea dont you love bein a gentleman
“ladies first”= lemme check out that tail
@BLUNTBLAZER,
LOL!! this is so true. I was out for a walk Wednesday, and these dudes had a green light, but told me I could go ahead and cross. is it that serious to miss a light just to see some booty?
@N.I.A. naturally….,
They were being gentlemen…. *snickers*
@N.I.A. naturally….,
Yep.
@N.I.A. naturally….,
yes fuq a green light. Ima gentleman lol
@Luvvie, co-sign on the wish for a donk.
If god gave me a donk I’d prolly be the ice queen, u cain’t tell me nuffin’ (look at this a$$) bytch of the universe… I’d enter rooms a$$ first, all my pics would have the head over the shoulder booty toot pose, i’d have whole sites dedicated to my a$$ lol
@pgh muse,
lmao i am with you!!!
butlike luv-duv said, God knew exactly what he was doing not giving me large assets–i’d be soooo outta order.
@Luvvie,
* Hire a band to follow me and play music as I walk (it would deserve its own theme music)
This is a good one…me 2…lol
“Hire a band to follow me and play music as I walk (it would deserve its own theme music)”
…believe me, the theme music is already playing in our heads.
I had the pleasure of meeting Melissa Ford last year and a band, orchestra and a dj was playing her theme music in my head. Now, that sounds like musical chaos…it wasn’t.
@AkShone,
“Hire a band to follow me and play music as I walk (it would deserve its own theme music)”
…believe me, the theme music is already playing in our heads
i agree. for me, its usually the instrumental to “gimme shelter” by the rolling stones
@The Champ,
That’s a good one…
Mine would be “Make the Road by Walking” by the Menahan Street Band
Better known as the sampled music that Jay-Z used for “Roc Boys”.
@miss t-lee,
That visual is priceless!
@miss t-lee,
I was thinkin more uncle luke “big booty hoes” lol
@ Bluntblazer
no.
@The Champ,
LMAO…smh
@AkShone,
“Hire a band to follow me and play music as I walk (it would deserve its own theme music)”
…believe me, the theme music is already playing in our heads.
co-sign
for me its the beat to Pharrell and Busta’s “Set Ya Azz On Fire”
@Luvvie, having a big booty is overrated, please believe me…. the stupid looks on mens faces and cries of ‘daaaaaamn’ just get tired very, very quickly…. especially if you’ve been dealing with that since you were 14…
@superwoman,
you know, a part of me feels sorry for big booty young chicks, just because they don’t really get to have a normal childhood. i mean, how are you gonna live an average 14 year old’s life when you have 28 year old’s consistently trying to holla everywhere you go?
@The Champ,
It sucks, trust and believe.
@miss t-lee,
Cosign!
@miss t-lee,
Doesn’t it though? *smh*
@The Champ,
so true..unfortunately, at the age of 13, I had a big boobies and a nicely shaped booty. but the boobs were the mens favorite target. Imagine a young 8th grader attending the HS football game with her friends, and grown men (21+) trying to pick up my young tail. That was not cool at all….
@N.I.A. naturally….,
so glad I hada son. thank you jesus
@The Champ, you know, a part of me feels sorry for big booty young chicks, just because they don’t really get to have a normal childhood. i mean, how are you gonna live an average 14 year old’s life when you have 28 year old’s consistently trying to holla everywhere you go?
how about 10.. I could never date older men because of the sheer skin crawling disgust I developed after having old men ask me to sit on they laps all the time ..ughhhh….I was still on some cooties shyt with the kids in my class and you comin with that….
@shay_d_lady, so true, i actually prefer younger men, and am violently grossed out by older guys…the crap i had to deal with as a kid…
@shay_d_lady,
older men used to always ask me for a hug. makes me sick just thinking about it….
@N.I.A. naturally….,
Yeah…my Dad had to pull a Joe Pesci on my step-mother’s brother when I was about 15.
You know that scene where Joe Pesci tells ol’ boy he’s gonna break his fcukin’ head…yeah something like that..lol
*tried to find it on youtube, but to no avail
@shay_d_lady,
Yeah.
There is truth to that. I’ve been hit on consistently since I was 10 when I had 36 inch hips and small C cup breasts.
@The Champ, egg-sacly!!!
@superwoman,
thanks for saying it. i’m 7 months pregnant (and showing as such) and it makes my skin crawl to hear catcalls at this point, especially when they approach me and say “oh, you don’t look ‘pregnant from the back,’” i’m like wtf? of course i look pregnant from the back you moron thats why you followed me half a block in the first place.
i thought i woulda got a mojo respite for gestation but i was sadly wrong.
@shay,
That’s super gross, they should be ashamed!
@superwoman,
additionally, finding jeans that fit well is a PAIN!!! wtf @ that stupid gap in the back. anger!
@Brokey McPoverty, it’s a problem sweetie. come down to south africa and get you a pair of the levi’s ‘eva’ range – inspired by south african (that is to say,big booty black) women…
@Luvvie,
RIGHT!!!!!!! I WAS ALWAYS CAKE ENVIOUS… I USED TO LOOK AT OTHER WOMENS AZZEZ AND HANG MY HEAD IN SHAME……no homo!
@Laneianna,
Hell I still look at womens asses. One of my philipino co works has the biggest ass ever seen on a non blk person. I’m so jealous. They do not make whites and asians the way they used too.
I wish I could:
1.Perform like a porn star while not intoxicated
2.Braid hair
3.Control my temper
4.Perform like a porn star while not intoxicated
5. Sing
6. Do any type of Beyonce booty shakin dance
7. Cook like mama
8. Perform like a porn star while not intoxicated
@Luvvie,
“One thing I wish I had was a BIG RIDICULOUS BOOTY!”
Girl me too. My girlfriend and I were talking about this last night. Said we’d be that ish is we had big butts. I guess our chesticles will have to suffice.
@Luvvie,
It’s funny because genetics could’ve been against me. My mom has NO arse. She owes arse as they say. I got all that donk from the paternal side. I’m shaped just like my grandma. Smaller waist, wide hips and a boo-tay. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because that cute guy in a suite can’t take his eyes off and gets whiplash when I pass; curse because that
ancientold homeless guy does the same thing…only he verbalizes it. LOL…I have to ask…is that where you got the name CHEEKie?
@AkShone,
Um, naw it’s because I have pinchable FACE cheeks.
*small voice* Okay, the other cheeks are pinchable, too…
@ the champ- I’m knock kneed and have meaty thighs so my jeans rub as well right by the thighs. I hold on to jeans for 2 years… if they’re expensive then I do buy a patch and keep wearing them bad boys. I refuse to let a pair of jeans that are over $100 go so quickly.
-I wish I could fold linen and clothes better. I mean they fold but not the way my laundry guy does.
-Wish I could cook Middle Eastern food
-Be better @ putting things together (bookshelves etc..)
@Satya,
if they’re expensive then I do buy a patch and keep wearing them bad boy
yeah, ummm, upper thigh jean patches usually aren’t the bizness for dudes, lol
@The Champ, lol it probablly isn’t. a) the patch id the same color as the denim and b) you don’t wear jeans with the patch on date night lol
@The Champ,
dam champ dont feel bad bruh i cant iron im ghetto and jus hang it up fresh out the dryer of if you really need some creases fold um right put um ina towel and throw um under a matress b4 you go to sleep when you wake up bang you clean.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
I am MAD at the ‘hood press’
@blackberry molasses,
As am I. Thats like the ghettoist ish I’ve heard in weeks!
@Dom and blackberry molasses,
we ina recession fuqa dry cleaning bill.lol
@Satya,
My thighs are the same. It’s a shame how long I hold onto a pair of jeans because when the thigh rub happens to my jeans, a little part of my dies inside. Especially when I can’t find another pair that fit as well. It usually takes a while.
@Cheekie,
im proud I can still wear my jeans from high school and i grad in 1999. Levi’s last for eva.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Yeah, once I got on the Levi’s game I stopped busting the butts out my jeans. Those things are impossible to destroy.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Yeah, Levi’s are where it’s at. I wish it were some jeans of that quality that fit me as well as some others of lesser quality, though. lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
I hope you aint got them levi’s that are shaped like an upside down traffic cone and the leg opening is the size of a hoop earring. You know, the tapered legs.
@Luvvie,
(smh) huh?
im hella basic 501′s for me please
I wish i could do alot of stuff, paint, design websites, have any actual skills instead of useless knowledge that might make me marketable in these TET, learn to p*ssy pop like beyonce aka sasha, aka Mrs. Too big, too wide, too strong (JK LOL), i’m also a really good cook but i have never mastered the perfect meringue, i would also like to african dance i mean i”m black i should be able to do it naturally lol, just a few among many
@PrincesMo,
African dancing requires a fluidity that a lotta folks aint got. We make it look easy but you gotta learn how to work them hips and shoulders.
@Luvvie,
Why don’t you dance like this in public, so we can all see it??????
@iloVEGrits,
Cuz then my hipshake may bring all the boys to the yard and their lives aint ready for that. I could show you, but I’d have to charge. Tee heeee
Yeah methinks its time for bed
@Luvvie,
Lawd. And you totally ripped that from me! You know I said it earlier today. And you laughed at me. lmao.
@iloVEGrits,
Nope! You said your MILKshake. How you gon claim the rights to what Kelis said? Sat down.
@Luvvie,
Lol child. I used to do alot of traditional dance when I was in high school (all girls Catholic run boarding school. Yeah!!!!!! My least favorite kind of hell) and that ish is hard. Yeah, some of them require hip fluid motion, but most (Kenyan trad. anyway) are so physically streneous. There is all kind of crazy jumping, back breaking, gyrations…..arrrggggh. The memory of it just made me tired.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
Yeah the East African dances and the South are a bit extra for me. I can’t do all that hopping and jumping up and down while touching my feet from the back.
I’m talking about West African dancing. We mostly use our hips and shoulders. We were the original booty tooters and rump shakers
@Luvvie,
they be workin it tho. I was born in 81 height of the afrocentric period, our family photos eryone had huge afros lol. i went to a afro centric school also and the gurls use ta do those dances strait workin it out.
I wish I could rock the guitar like Hendrix/Clapton/Buddy Guy.
I start taking advance guitar lessons in June but I doubt I will get to that level.
I am a good cook and have mastered the art of rolling sushi but simply cannot make Indian food. Pi$$es me off. Nothing ever tastes right. I want to know the secret!!
I’d loooove to learn how to ride a motorcyle, one of the last things on my ‘bucket list’. I hope to take lessons this summer and to buy a bike next spring. Fingers crossed!
I also wanna learn to salsa dance. My lessons for that start in June, too. lol.
@iloVEGrits,
“simply cannot make Indian food. Pi$$es me off. Nothing ever tastes right. I want to know the secret!!”
Secret = excessive curry in everything.
That’ll be $500. I take PayPal
@Luvvie,
and cumin. Just throw some in there, doesn’t matter what you are making. Oooohhh and if you are down with the meat products, then ghee is your friend. If not ummmmm….South Indian cooking uses alot of palm oil. I don’t know where one would purchase that here in the States though
@ofloveandotherdemons, ghee is your friend. If not ummmmm….South Indian cooking uses alot of palm oil.
thanks for the tip
@ofloveandotherdemons,
“….and cumin. Just throw some in there, doesn’t matter what you are making”
i think i’ll pass on the bukkake biscuits. thanks though
@The Champ,
wow!! really, Champ? LOL!
LOL, I knew someone would comment on those first few words.
VSB: Where words get lost in translation.
@The Champ,
bukkake biscuits
Please stop.
Now.
@The Champ,
Wow. You ain’t right. I mean, I’ll let you go ‘cuz it’s Friday. Don’t pull that lethal mess on a Monday. lol
@The Champ,
You so stupid!
@The Champ,
Lol.
You, Sir, are a d.a.m.n fool
@iloVEGrits, I wish i could play the guitar too, i have one but i can only plug a few notes.
And watching too much dancing with the stars made me wish i was a dancer again. I use to be a ballerina until my hips started expanding and my B cups jumped to D’s. Too much thickness in a leotard.
@JamaicanGirl,
lol. Hasn’t stopped Beyonce.
@iloVEGrits, very good point, btw have you seen the Ego video, what the first Lady of Cameroon is going on with the front of that wig?
@JamaicanGirl,
*sniggling*
@JamaicanGirl,
I attempted to watch that video… my rods and cones started fighting each other and I went blind for a moment.
*smh* at Yawnce inciting retinal cell wars
@JamaicanGirl,
Too much thickness in a leotard.
I swear my dad probably took one look at me in that leotard and said: “No more dancing for you!” Lol!
Now Rosa Acosta making me feel all wistful and $hit!…. *sigh*
@iloVEGrits,
The secret to good Indian food….. hand prepared Garam Masala. You find it at an Indian market. Its a perfect combination of all the spices needed. Don’t get the pre-packaged stuff… its stale by then
i wish i could cornrow and put in extensions….i could make so much money off that…
i wish i could let go of grudges
i wish i could rap…im certain i could be twice as good as the lames they got out now
i wish i could play a guitar…matter fact, thats one of my goals for the summer
@trin-trin, I wish i could rap too, i am always free styling in the car, sometimes i’m kinda fresh.
@JamaicanGirl, If i can get signed off of the sh!t i be spittin in the car on the way to the club….
@Peysonic Temple #69,
(i think) i’m nice as hell when i’m drunk. when sober i sound like shaq
@The Champ,
well you sound like deion sanders when you’re drunk. rap’s just not that into you.
@Gem-balaya,
*snort**chortle**guffaw*
dat’s my e-child!
@Gem-balaya,
LOL!!
@Gem-balaya,
I made a music video lol hella low budget lol and strait ghetto
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vascBlzwYo0
@trin-trin,
i wish i could cornrow and put in extensions….i could make so much money off that
Lawdsmeetooo. I refuse to pay some $100+ to do my hair with braids/extensions. I’ll just keep practising until I get it right. A couple of years of looking a H.A.M with my self done braids won’t kill me.
I wish I knew how to play a banjo. I’d carry it around on my shoulder strap and just walk up and down the street busting out random songs that I’d make up right there on the spot. Everyone would adore me, and they’d shower me with praise because they’re not cool enough to play a banjo!
Another talent/skill I wish I had is pumpkin carving. Oh sure, I can cut out a few slits for eyes and a crooked mouth, but I mean like this:
http://www.bandofcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/3d-pumpkin-carving-cats_02.jpg
I’d travel all over the world carving pumpkins at expos an sh*t, and everyone would say, “Oh RedBeanZ, you’re so dope!” And they’d be right. Yep.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Play the banjo & make up songs?!? You could be Calhoun Tubbs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdlK7Fbdkks
@Madame Zenobia,
hahahahahaha! I don’t like you anymore.
@RedBeanzNRice,
RedBeanz, NOOOO!!! We gots to be friends…I’m just playing with you. I love Calhoun Tubbs.
@Madame Zenobia,
lol thank you very much dam i miss in living color
@BLUNTBLAZER,
I know I do too! I don’t know if its just because I’m older and so I get more things, but it seems even funnier now than it was then.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Another talent/skill I wish I had is pumpkin carving.
you’d love my dad then. seriously, dude is like van gogh when it comes to pumpkins
@The Champ,
i admire how much you still admire your dad. i hope my son feels that way about his dad when he gets older.
@shay,
you know what… me too. I find that men who openly admire their fathers or father figures tend to just be stand up dudes.
Unless daddy was an axe murderer. Then that whole conclusion is negated, destroyed, and run over by a freight train.
@blackberry molasses,
I find that men who openly admire their fathers or father figures tend to just be stand up dudes.
So we’ll just agree that The Champ is the exception that confirms this rule, right?
@Sula,
you wrong…. EXCEPTIONALLY HILARIOUS… but so wrong*
*Champ, don’t ever say I didn’t do anything nice for you
@The Champ,
Anybody that can make a mean bowl of Cream of Wheat AND carve a masterpiece pumpkin is aces in my book!
@RedBeanzNRice,
fuq cream of weat its all about coco-wheats step ya game up it so exclusive ya gotta order it thru the mail
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“fuq cream of weat its all about coco-wheats”
Shots fired!
I like you an all, but you can’t just be comin’ up in here talkin’ all sideways about the brotha in the chef’s hat like that, just cause you love you some ghetto-brand malto-meal Men have died for less!
@RedBeanzNRice,
With all due dis-respect lol coco wheats taste better.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
All due disrespect? Aye, it ain’t my fault if your tastebuds don’t work right. Brush ya tongue bruh.
Hey Kids,
1.) I wish I was taller (not that being tall is a skill) I haven’t grown since I was 12 and it sucks being 5’5 and unable to reach the top shelf of my cabinet.
2.) I wish I could whistle. EVERYBODY in my fam can whistle but me.
3.) I really wish I could draw. My father’s an amazing artist he can see something and sketch it immediately. I wish I’d inherited that talent – I can draw stick figures and that’s about it.
@Madame Zenobia,
“I can draw stick figures and that’s about it.”
Never underestimate the power of a stick figure!
@Madame Zenobia,
“I wish I could whistle”
Me too!!! i had my friend pat try to teach me in 8th grade and i’ve been practicing on and off my whole life but i just can’t do it, so sad. Sometimes i come close but i can never hold the sound, or repeat it and its never a strong sound womp, womp. I will fail at life if i don’t master this b4 I meet Sweet King Jesus
@PrincesMo,
yea i cant whistle either
@Madame Zenobia,
“2.) I wish I could whistle. EVERYBODY in my fam can whistle but me.”
My grandmother told me that whistling wasn’t lady like so I had to stop. Now i don’t know how to. Guess my cerebellum is not as good as it should be.
@Ivy St.,
you need to get re-aquianted with your purkinge cells.
@Gem-balaya,
wow…. haven’t hear “Purkinge cells” since AP Bio. Woah… I’m old.
@blackberry molasses,
lol. they are def some of the coolest looking neurons in the CNS.
@Madame Zenobia,
I wish I was taller (not that being tall is a skill) I haven’t grown since I was 12 and it sucks being 5?5 and unable to reach the top shelf of my cabinet.
yeah me too… I’m only 5′ 0″ so not only can I not reach the top shelf of my cabinet, I can’t find pants that I don’t step on the bottom of, I can’t see over anyone in a crowd, and I have to drive with my seat practically underneath the steering wheel.
But being short does have it’s advantages. I can date relatively short guys or tall guys and not look too strange. (Although I don’t really date guys over 6′ tall…kissing is just too inconvenient)
@klysha,
It does have a few advantages not many though. I know what you mean about not dating dudes over 6’1. I went out with a guy whose about 6’3 or 6’4 a few months ago and even in my heels I was standing on my tippy-toes to kiss him.
@Madame Zenobia,
I once whistled an entire song. By the time I was done I was outta breath. D*mn near wheezing.
I would love to have the type of charm that makes everyone want to know you. Not regular charm because I have that but the super charm that it seems no one can resist.
I also with that I was a natural writer… and I wish I could freestyle.
@A-Town Genius,
So you wish you were me, eh? Mkay I can’t freestyle but still…
*hears many “Go Sat Downs”*
*hangs head and trods away*
@Luvvie,
Aside from being female… maybe
but females deal with too much I love y’all but I don’t ever wanna be one of y’all
@Luvvie,
You can’t get sent to the corner just for being awesome – sorry that’s not an offense!
um……….this post made me feel better about my life. i just noticed that my fave jeans are ripping in the thigh area and i felt all alone. wait. what were we supposed to comment on? i’ll be back.
@charli skipper,
You are not alone, happens to the best of us.
I’ve busted the butt out of three pairs of jeans! The worst is when it happens in public and you have to walk around with your thong out.
@Dom,
The worst is when it happens in public and you have to walk around with your thong out.
this made me snort while drinking a double espresso. that shyt BURNS. you will get the bill from my doctor.
@Dom,
The worst is when it happens in public and you have to walk around with your thong out.
***filed under “comments that are useless without pics”***
@The Champ,
Request DENIED! LOL!
@Dom,
Can I be the notary public that stamps, seals but doesnt deliver it?
@Luvvie,
Sure. I might even pay extra for a fake delivery!
@The Champ,
***filed under “comments that are useless without pics”***
preeech
“I’ve busted the butt out of three pairs of jeans! The worst is when it happens in public and you have to walk around with your thong out.”
This should be an Olympic sport, where wages are bet upon in Las Vegas, Atlantic City and all illegal gambling spots across america.
@AkShone,
I dont know about all that. Thing is, my butt really isnt all that big. I’m a size 2!
okay, i wish i could sing. i was a theatre major in college–and in life. lol. but you know what? it’s hard out there for a tone deaf black woman.
i wish i had better communication skills. i offend so many people because i don’t answer the phone or return calls often. but i don’t mean it in a bad way, i just don’t see what we need to talk so often for. and then i get sad when the people completely disappear.
i wish i could do my hair to look cute. damn everything else–this is the big one. i feel sooo glamorous and gorge when i get that fresh roller-wrap. but i feel like buckwheat after i do my hair at home. and in these TET, ain’t nobody got time to be going to the shop every week.
@charli skipper,i wish i could do my hair to look cute. damn everything else–this is the big one. i feel sooo glamorous and gorge when i get that fresh roller-wrap. but i feel like buckwheat after i do my hair at home. and in these TET, ain’t nobody got time to be going to the shop every week.
LOL girl me too….I cant braid, wrap, roll, curl nothing.. my six year old being going to the shop since she was 3…LOL she aint permed though!
@shay_d_lady,
Practice practice practice! Being a broke college student miles away from my regular hair dresser, I learned how to do a touch-up, wet wrap, a roller set, flat iron it, smack it flip it rub it down! LOL! I also perfected the art of the at-home mani pedi.
Cant do a danm thing about my brows though, I leave that to the pros.
@Dom,
I also perfected the art of the at-home mani pedi.
girl, me too. And I self-maintain my locs. now, if I could wax my eyebrows and other parts of my body myself, I’ll be good to go….
@N.I.A. naturally….,
now, if I could wax my eyebrows and other parts of my body myself, I’ll be good to go….
you and me both!!
@charli skipper, i wish i had better communication skills. i offend so many people because i don’t answer the phone or return calls often. but i don’t mean it in a bad way, i just don’t see what we need to talk so often for. and then i get sad when the people completely disappear.
Quite the conflict, I know. Let me know when you figure this out because I have yet to.
@charli skipper,
Yeah I wish I could sing too. I would sing all the time loudly if I could. Hell I borderline do that now anyway and I have a terrible singing voice. Yep that’s me audibly terrorizing the streets of downtown Atlanta
@A-Town Genius,
yep. cosign.
If i could sing. It’ll be all ova baby…
also, i wish i could continue to tivo new episodes of “the game” on friday nights.
@charli skipper,
@iloVEGrits, me too
the executives at the CW should be sentenced to life at Mama Tina’s Bedazzled BootCamp.
@JamaicanGirl,
They need to be banished to the pits of embroidered, emblazoned & glittered Dereon H*ll.
@charli skipper,
OMG The CW has angered me like never before (except when they canceled Girlfriends)! So many folks love that show and they took it away. Maybe BET will pick it up. It would be great if one of the major networks picked it up, but as long as someone picks it up so I can watch a new season this fall I’ll be happy.
@charli skipper, I am so going to miss the game.. I mean at least spin it off again and give tasha and malik they own show… Tasha Mac was my girl! LOL
@charli skipper,
I just couldn’t get into this show. I loved, loved, loved Girlfriends, but the Game…..Meeheee. I just don’ t relate. I’m sure it will find another home though. Someone out there green lighted House of Payne; surely The Game which is leaps and bounds better will find a station too.
@charli skipper,
I’m so upset over the Game being cancelled…
they get rid of this show, yet–they are bringing back Melrose Place.
Just doesn’t seem fair.
@miss t-lee,
Catering to their audiences… B@st@rds!
I hope someone picks it up too. It was my mind vacation on Fridays… *sigh*
@Sula,
I know….
*sigh*
@charli skipper,
Yeah, this is some ishbull. I am going to miss The Game. I am done with the CW, since it appears they are done with me.
@Dom,
It’s been their goal to get rid of all the black shows one by one, no matter how good the show is. I’m irritated that they canceled The Game, but canceling Everybody Hates Chris, is completely justifiable, lol.
I wish i could draw
I wish i could make soul food ( Collard Greens, turkey
wings and such.) I can cook pretty much everything else.
I saw this girl Roxy Reynolds do this one trick with her butt during chex, i wish i could do that.
Im sure theirs more but that’s it for now…….
@JamaicanGirl,
Roxy got talent lol.
@Ashley Neicole,
That girl is talented…lol
…I love women that love p0rn.
@AkShone,
me three
@The Champ,
*stairing off @ the florecent light bulbs above cube* AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
@AkShone, The Champ, and WuDaMan,
I’m laughing at all of ya’ll right now…
@ VSB
I also wish I could quit u, it’s nearly 1:30 and I’m up gotta be at work at 9, darn shame lol!
@PrincesMo,
I also wish I could quit u, it’s nearly 1:30 and I’m up gotta be at work at 9, darn shame lol!
if i had a dollar…
@The Champ,
“if i had a dollar…”
But you don’t.
I wish I could bounce my booty cheeks one by one like a basketball
I wish I could play the drums
Speak japanese, chinese and vietnamese so that I can catch they a$$ off guard when they talkin that shyt at the nail shop, fluff and fold and the gas station sushi spot
@shay-d-lady,
The booty bounce is all about muscle isolation, it takes some practice but it’s a nice trick to have on standby, never know when you’re gonna need it
@shay-d-lady, Y u eatin sushi from the gas station? thats the really important question
@Peysonic Temple #69,
I was thinking the same thing….
@Peysonic Temple #69,
lol, some questions probably should never be asked or answered. this is one of them
@Peysonic Temple #69,
Yeah gas station sushi is not something i’d like to eat. It’d be all tainted w/ petrol. eewww
“Ah yes, can I get the California Roll platter, and $20 on pump 4?”
@AkShone,
lmao
@shay-d-lady, shay-d-lady, Y u eatin sushi from the gas station? thats the really important question
no but I get gas there…duh…..LOL but ur ah I must say any one in memphis ten that sushi and gas bp on poplar..those are the finest asian hybrids I have ever seen in my life…I mean over 6ft tall, well built, well dressed..umm hmm….
@shay-d-lady,
I am sure you can… Just focus real hard… It’s just moving your muscles, like men do with their pecs (ewwww).
I also wish I was double jointed so that I could do great feats of contortionism
I cant iron either…like not at all.. I dont know if I care enough to even wish for that skill though
I wish I could put my fingers in my mouth and do that loud whistle…you know like they used to do in old movies to stop cabs…
I wish I had long dancers legs….
I cannot do that thing where you make that disgusting sound to scratch your throat.. and I have post nasal drip so I need to and I cant
I would also like to be able to “hawk and spit” I get no trajectory at all….when I was younger i was banned from spitting out the car window, for obvious reasons…
I also wish I could catch.. I cant and after being hit in the head so many times I have a fear of anything being thrown near my face.. my immediate reaction is to scream and throw my hands up to protect my face…
this has caused some uncomfortable moments at work..
@shay_d_lady,
“I cant and after being hit in the head so many times”
Hit in the head? Were you a boxer or something?
@shay_d_lady,
“I cant and after being hit in the head so many times I have a fear of anything being thrown near my face.. my immediate reaction is to scream and throw my hands up to protect my face…”
You know the Champ is going to have a field day with this right?
*sniggling*
@miss t-lee,
I’m looking forward to it lol.
@miss t-lee,
lol, its a holiday weekend. i’m gonna play nice today
@The Champ,
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*takes breath* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
@The Champ,
*throws tomatoes at Champ* Get off the stage!
@The Champ,
*Yanks Champ offstage with a cane a la Showtime at the Apollo*
What? I had to complete the stage jokes…
@Cheekie,
That visual pretty much has me in the gigglefits. Plus w/ his extreme pigeon-toes and bowleggedness, he’d prolly trip over the cane
@Luvvie,
*snort*
*busts out laughing*
@miss t-lee, hey if you make it too easy they will normally leave it alone…LOL
@shay_d_lady,
we talking about vsb or real life?
*chuckling loudly*
@shay_d_lady,
Ok that’s all gravy, Shay, but you STILL ain’t explained why you were getting all cold-clocked upside the head yet. Inquiring minds an sh*t.
@RedBeanzNRice, ummm kick ball and dodge ball for once.. plus Im short so most people are taller than me an when your young kids 1 think its fun to throw at other kids heads and 2 even if they didnt most kids have bad aim and since I cant catch….hit in the head, face….etc.some good came out of it.. thats how I learned to fight!
I wish i could make creole and West Indian food like my mom and grandma, mine never comes out right *sigh*
I wish i had the vocabulary, imagination, and artistic expression of Mr. Joshua “Lisp” Bennett, I don’t like to be envious of anyone but damn *That boy good*
I wish i could sing
and i also wish my hind parts were a lil’ bit bigger, it’s not flat tho so i should be happy, i don’t want a big ‘ol ignant booty but just a having lil’ mo cushion would be nice
@You’re how old?, as far as the creole food goes keep practicing it will come eventually
@Blacklaw,
I will it’s just new for me to have to work at things, most ish just comes easy to me
@You’re how old?, Josh Bennett’s vocabulary is ridic, the good thing is that when you have a regular convo with him, he doesnt use all them damn big words like an idiot
@Peysonic Temple #69,
Dude i’d probably embarrass myself if i ever met Josh, i just get goofy around people i admire, but it’s good to know he doesn’t flaunt his superhuman vocabulary
@You’re how old?,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
I forgot. I wish I could sing…well.
I don’t like it when i’m with my fam and errbody is singing and i’m left to sing so low
@Satya,
lol, birthdays must suck for you then, huh?
I resigned myself to life without ironing skills. I don’t even own one.
I wish:
1. I had the ability to flirt. I’m so shy; if someone that I’m remotely interested in approaches me I lose the ability to string together coherent sentences. I sound like an ESL kid, fresh off the boat (well the ESL part is technically true.)
2.) I could ride a bicycle. I keep meaning to learn, but still haven’t gotten around to it. It’s such a shame. How am I supposed to breeze around those ocean boardwalks on my cute 1950s two speeder if I can’t actually ride the stupid thing? The one big obstacles to all the meet-cute scenarios I have in my head with my imaginary SOs.
3.) Play a musical instrument. I love music, but musical talent eludes me.
4.) I had a longer attention span. I’m flighty, have an overactive imagination and get bored in 15.6 seconds. It’s just a bad combination. I think I only really hear 25% of what people are saying. The rest I either infer (hoping there are some context clues) or just giggle a lot and make vague mumblings.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
2.) I could ride a bicycle
i have a story about the young champ learning to ride a bike that i’ll eventually share here. not today though. not today
@ofloveandotherdemons,
I also wish i could play an instrument, i always wanted to play the piano but i would also love to play the trumpet like the jazz greats!
@ofloveandotherdemons,
I also wish I could play an instrument. But just like you, musical talent was on strike when I was born. ’tis a shame. I got good ears though.
I want to be able to two hand dunk vertically. One time when I was 17 I tipped in a one handed alley. Only once. It’s been messing with me since. Now everytime I see Dwight Howard yoke on somebody I’m like “ARRRGHH!!”, lol.
I wish I could do backflips. For some reason, I cannot.
I wish I could ‘gleek’….I’ve only done it a few times in my life. My cousin could do it on call when we were young.
That’s all I got for now…
@BlkBond,
gleek?
@BlkBond,
LOL @ gleeking. I never could do it but then again I never wanted to.
Ashley, if he’s talking about what I’m talking about it’s basically a special way to spit that everyone used to do in school back in the day.
@A-Town Genius,
hmm….i remember a little 2520 boy thought it would be funny to “gleek” some water into my face and hair right before the bell rang when we were in high school. yeah. i beat the hell out of him.
which was surprising to everybody–especially me–because the “little” 2520 boy was almost twice my size.
@A-Town Genius,
eww
@A-Town Genius,
LOL! That’s EXACTLY what it is. You’re a true southerner for catching that. You make it so your mouth releases water/saliva like a water fountain. This messing with me to this day.
@BlkBond,
Yeah I remember cats used to have gleek battles in class and the teacher would be confused as hell wonderin what all the commotion was
@BlkBond,
Oooh, back flipping is something I’ve always wanted to do since I was a child. A few other elementary kids could but not I.
@BlkBond,
Now everytime I see Dwight Howard yoke on somebody I’m like “ARRRGHH!!”, lol.
dwight howard dunks like he’s playing on a nerf hoop. every time he jumps he has to duck so he wont hit his head
@The Champ,
dwight could stand to undergo massive head reconstruction.
@The Champ,
Dwight made the shot clock faint last game I member when shaq changed the game he would destroy courts.
@BlkBond,
i still remember the first time I officially dunked it was freshman year at Hampton Univer in the gym at PE. I was Jordan for a day I really sh!!tted on one dude hard he had my nutz on his 4head lol.
okay, i just saw the ego video. my latest wish is to achieve the perfect balance of jiggle and toned-ness. like beyonce in that video. i mean, no homo and everything, but da*n!
@charli skipper, That is the 3rd and last song that I like on that album (eh… maybe 4th) but she looks great. What is up wit the wig tho??
@charli skipper,
That video is disturbing. To be honest, I wanted to catch AT LEAST a glimpse of what the other girls looked like so there could be a little variety.
@charli skipper,
my latest wish is to achieve the perfect balance of jiggle and toned-ness
this is a great goal to have
@charli skipper,
she is incredible….(sigh)
Houston…we HAVE a problem…lol
I wish that I could…
Flirt with more guys – I usually wait for guys to approach me, but wish that I could be like other girls who are very outgoing and approach guys more often
Stay mad – I can’t hold a grudge at all. I can get in the worst fight with someone and completely forget about it the next day and it always takes people by surprise (a trait that I inherit from my mom)
Speak another language – I’ve studied Spanish, French, Latin, and Chinese, and it just doesn’t stick no matter what I do
@Leila,
Yeah I can’t stay mad either but I’m pretty sure that’s one of the things that I like about myself so I’ll keep that one.
**cueing Skee-Lo** I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish i was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her… mmmk. enuff of dat. **
not skills but gifts I wish I possessed:
-Naturally great skin: I have dry skin that is prone to break outs at different times. I wish I had that naturally even toned chocolatey poreless skin that so many are blessed with. Wash and go skin. But I don’t. I gotta work on mine. Boo! Like Naturally Alise Bare Minerals is my friend
-I wish that after two kids my stomach went back down to nothing. I know people who pop out babies and have nothing to show 4 those kids physically but the kid!!! NO FAIR! I mean – I don’t look bad, but I do gots the mommy belly and I had to work so it wasn’t worse.
NO FAIR!
-when I was younger I used to dance a lot. Now I try it and my hips just don’t move like they used to… maybe I should try yoga.
- I wish I could do all those weird yoga poses w/o having to practice.
-I wish I was fluent in another language besides English and Ebonics.
-I wish my memory was better. People who remember small details about things, like song lyrics, stuff from movies, all 50 states and their capitals, the preamble to the constitution, and stuff like that amaze me. I watch something today or read something today, and tomorrow it’s GONE.
-I am in awe of people who run marathons and drive for long distances. I like to run, I hate to drive.
-I am in awe of people who use a bicycle as their primary method of transportation. the last time I rode my bike was last summer. I crashed into a pole and then some bad a$$ kid stole it off my porch… that’s ok cause imma get a new one and do the bike trails (we have a long trail that stretches from pgh to dc). Imma do it da*n it!!
- I wish I knew how to cook certain Middle Eastern, Indian, and African dishes w/o a cook book. Like I wish i just knew that ish off the top. And I wish these ni99as that I call a family were more receptive to my culinary creativity.
And lastly, Champ you really should see a tailor b4 throwing out your jeans… it could work wonders.
@pgh muse,
**cueing Skee-Lo** I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish i was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her… mmmk. enuff of dat. **
lol. i wanted to do that soo bad.
@pgh muse,
And lastly, Champ you really should see a tailor b4 throwing out your jeans
is it worth paying a tailor 30 bucks to save some two year old 50 dollar jeans?
@The Champ, YES!
I wish I was little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a 64′ Impala
(edit: I see my ode to Skee has already been done, ah well, it didn’t hurt you to read it again)
Sing — I just imagine myself being able to serenade an entire Victoria’s Secret catalog’s worth of panties off if I had the skill. And I’m not talking about being a rapper, or a rapper turned singer (I’m looking at you too Jamie Foxx).
@An Island,
the only time i wish i could sing is when i wanna clown someone during spades. do you know how much better my life would be if i could sing “thats ninnnnne boooooooks, biiiiitches” every time i set someone???
@The Champ,
When have you EVER set someone?!?
I think YOU need more people, like a whole continent of them.
@The Champ,
I would approve this show of braggadociousness. Setting someone is an accomplishment thats up there w/ getting your high school degree. Now to make someone renig, that’s an Associate’s. To make someone cry and leave the table is a Bachelor’s.
In spades, I have my Associate’s. I need to somehow that that Baccalaureate degree. Somehow…
@Luvvie,
So I take it running a Boston is like a Spades PhD? In that case, CALL ME DOCTAH!!
I wish:
-I could let go of people. I let people linger around waaaaaaay longer than they should which usually leads me to disliking them more than I would like to. Which makes
no senseperfect sense.-I was better at reading signals from the opposite sex. Sh*t needs to be spelled out for me.
-I would have continued to skateboard. After I broke my ankle in high school I never got back on.
-I wish I still had my old guitars. Made for less work when acquiring the vagina panties.
-I wish I was more friendly. I could meet eyes with a brown goddess and not crack a smile. Why? Because who the eff are you?
@Mr. Mister,
Unless you magically grow a vagina and start producing estrogen, you can give up on reading the opposite sex.
@Ashley Neicole, Pretty much.
@Mr. Mister,
-I was better at reading signals from the opposite sex. Sh*t needs to be spelled out for me.
i don’t want to have to read signals. i want dudes to come right out and say what they mean/think. i HATE guessing games.
@Gem-balaya,
Sup e-boo? Ain’t heard from ya..You ain’t slid cha boy to tha left have you?
Question that is irkin tha hell outta me…How’s everyone putting the strike through on words in their comments? I don’t see anywhere on the font where I can do that…Drivin me nutz!!
@Tx10inch,
Put the word “strike” in your surrounding tags.
@Cheekie,
still not working…maybe i’m slow today.
thanx though.
Just wow on the Cream of Wheat thing (best breakfast ever, IMHO). Are you making it with milk or water?
Talents I wish I had:
1. Determination and sticktuitiveness (I heard that on a sports show once): I get discouraged easy and give up. I also don’t really have many things that I’m passionate for. And I will have a fantastic idea one minute and totally lose it the next.
2. Self control: In my plight to get my body summer ready, I sabatoge myself with sweets and Doritos all the time. (and not having them in my house only works for a couple of days)
3. Being more carefree: I think and overanalyze entirely too much.
4. Gracefulness: I walk extremely hard and I wear out my heels. There’s nothing really soft about me. I admire those women that flit about and can sneak up on people. lol
@VSB: Okay, I am moderating and I have no curse words. What is this kimfoolery?
@Nicki Sunshine, visited your wordpress blog….very nice picture *swoons*
@Mr. Mister, LOL. thank you very much sir.
@Mr. Mister,
VSB: Where people find their new eCrushes.
@Nicki Sunshine,
Just wow on the Cream of Wheat thing (best breakfast ever, IMHO). Are you making it with milk or water?
both actually. boil it with water, then i add milk after its done. my dad does it and it tastes heavenly. i do it and it tastes like rubber cement
@The Champ,
“i do it and it tastes like rubber cement”
I’m mad that you know what rubber cement tastes like.
@The Champ, That’s what I do too. Try putting too much water in it and then the entire time it is cooking keep stirring it and turn the heat down on the stove. The water will slowly boil out and it will get thicker gradually.
***VSB: The NU cookbook***
@Nicki Sunshine,
Yup. Thats how I do my grits.
Mmmmm, grits…
@Dom, I can’t get into the grits.. they remind of me of watered rice ( but I love rice)
I wish my talents in sports weren’t athleticism, hard work and determination. It’s true that having these skills makes me a good defender therefor allowing me to be able to play any sport atleast decently, but I wished I dominated something. ANYTHING. I wish that I had just one sick skill in any sport. A strong arm, a sick handle, left footed scoring, cotton soft hands. Just one? Please…
@Jarrod Halsey,
I feel you dude but I always felt like being a good defender will always keep you in the game cause you can do something that most people don’t wanna do so it ain’t all bad
That being said I do wish I had a sick handle or a nasty jumper. As it is my handle and jumper are both just serviceable enough to get me by but I’m not AI or Reggie on the court
@A-Town Genius,
Handles! I’m working on mine now. Back to two hand drills, spider drills, etc. Usually when I’m out there I just wanna bust a** though, so I always skip on the handles…
@Jarrod Halsey,
lol, so basically you’re the streetball version of shane battier?
@The Champ,
Hey! Shane is great.
I wish I could shake off this in-bred, over-emotional streak I have. I’m a Cancer, and by definition, a crybaby. I cry over everything, from Extreme Home Makeover to the lil African children in the infomercial lookin like Lindsey Lohan. And because of this unyielding flow of tears, I tend to love hard. That means it’s hard to let go. I will work a relationship in the ground if there is a glimmer of hope that it can survive.
The up-side…I’m great in bed
@Ashley Neicole,
I’m a Cancer, and by definition, a crybaby.
Hey fellow Cancer. I totally understand this…lol
@miss t-lee, Cancers make the world go round biggup to all the fellow cancers
@Blacklaw,
dang right
@Ashley Neicole,
*joining in on Cancer love* GROUP HUG!!!
@Ashley Neicole,
“The up-side…I’m great in bed
”
**Walks in room with a robe**
I’ll be the judge of that
@Dorian G.,
oooh eChex, this will be a first for me lol
@Ashley Neicole, yeah….I’m a Cancer and dont have any of these qualities are these gender specific cancer characteristics?
@Blacklaw,
I’ve heard it from both sides. I know Cancer men that are as emotional as me, and Cancer women who aren’t emotional at all. But in general, most Cancers are emotional. We are also psychic
*reads Blacklaw’s Mind*
you’re thinking right now I’m full of shat on that psychic tip
@Ashley Neicole,
“I know Cancer men that are as emotional as me,”
I dated a cancer male for about a month once…it was soo not going to work…lol
@miss t-lee,
Oh hell naw. Two Cancers dating? That’s like Oprah meets Maury Povich.
@Ashley Neicole,
You’re right… it was bad.
I don’t know how I thought that would work, moodiness all around.
@miss t-lee,
my husband is a cancer, and its so easy to piss him off
@shay,
Yeah…it’s like that sometimes girl. We’re moody.
Hang in there!!
@Ashley Neicole, im moody as hell…….and i dont necessarily have to go out to have a good time im good in the house with friends bustin it up
@Blacklaw,
“and i dont necessarily have to go out to have a good time im good in the house”
Oh, you are such a cancer!!!!
@Ashley Neicole,
Interesting stuff about the Cancer folks. I’ve never heard this before but it makes things so much clearer! One of my close friends is a Cancer.
@Dom,
Yes, we are mystical creatures.
@Ashley Neicole,
“Yes, we are mystical creatures.”
So you’re saying Cancers are actually unicorns. OR hoodrats that shun Dereon & Baby Phat. I’m intrigued.
@Dom,
my lil brother is a cancer and he is the king of crybabies hella mamas boy
@Ashley Neicole,
You just described my younger sister… (except the great in bed, I don’t wanna know about that.
)
She will work a relationship until it’s all gone to dust. And her loyalty is sometimes frightening.
She is a July 13th baby. Those cancers…
“the fabric in my croutch area occasionally rubs together, creating a prolonged and concentrated wear and tear that eventually produces holes.”
Welcome to eternal dilemma of team chunk…lol
I wish I wasn’t so honest.
I wish I could get my pie crust made from scratch to taste like my Mom’s.
I wish I was crafty (sewing, knitting…etc. I’m working on that though!)
I wish mathematics and I got along (as I wait patiently for my grades to come in the mail for this semester)
I wish I would have continued my piano lessons.
@miss t-lee,
Girl please. I appreciate honest ppl, I hate runnin around the bush to get to someone’s point!
@Ashley Neicole,
“I hate runnin around the bush to get to someone’s point!”
This must be the male logic to why they want us to get Brazilian waxes. I see. *strokes chin*
@Luvvie,
Brazilian wax all you want…I’m not running around looking like a 9 year old…lmao!!!
@miss t-lee,
I ain’t brazilian waxing jack! I’m just saying. lol. Waxing it ALL off ain’t no option for me. Just keep a landscaped love pocket and all is well. (Hoeing optional)
@Luvvie,
Landscaping is where it’s at…:)
@miss t-lee,
ooh! glad yall brought this up.
*grabbing crate and megaphone*
Can we get a man’s opinion up in here, please?
lol
@charli skipper,
I prefer the landing strip or soul patch.
@charli skipper,
personally I like landscaping. Completely bare makes me feel like Chester the molester. Only exception is if you are from the islands and when you are climaxing you say “oi! oi! Oiiii!”
@charli skipper,
I like bald eagles the less hair the better jus feels better to touch. 5inch cones aint the bizness
@Luvvie,
LMAO
@Luvvie,
*dead*
@miss t-lee, I wish I could get my pie crust made from scratch to taste like my Mom’s.
I wish I was crafty (sewing, knitting…etc. I’m working on that though!)
I wish mathematics and I got along (as I wait patiently for my grades to come in the mail for this semester)
I wish I would have continued my piano lessons.
co sign all three of these
@miss t-lee,
I wish I was crafty (sewing, knitting…etc. I’m working on that though!)
That has been my entire life struggle. I am not a crafty one AT ALL. Like one summer, all my cousins learned to knit and I couldn’t (still can’t). We were 12. Then my sisters grew up and they learned how to knit. And I still can’t hold the crochet right…. *huge sigh*
@Sula,
I can crochet a bit…and I only mean a bit.
My BFF is trying to teach me how to sew. I told her the other day I’m going to get some of those sewing books for kids and work my way up.
I’m thinking of taking a quilting class.
I wish I could do a cartwheel correctly. As they stand now, they’re crooked, and if I do several in sequence, I end up going in a circle instead of a straight line.
I also wish I could cornrow decently enough to go out in public with my own creations (but my flat twist/hot comb/flat iron game is on point)
@WordSmith,
LMAO @ cartwheeling in a circle. The visual in my head is awesome!
@Luvvie,
I’m with you Luvvie. Like watching a 18 month old tryin to jump. Ridiculously funny (I’m a bad parent for laughing at my 18 month old tryin to jump lol).
I wish I could sing. My dad can sing. My mother couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket with a lid on it. She ruined my chances. If I could sing, I’m pretty convinced I’d have a better life (better home, car, friends, opportunities). I have great stage presence…if only I had real talent to go along with it.
I wish I had a flat tummy. No explanation needed.
I wish I had a longer torso. My legs are long so people think I’m at least 5ft 7ins. They always seem so disappointed when they notice I’m 4ins shorter. If I had a longer torso, I could probably buy dressed of the rack. Now, I either have to buy petite dresses and hope the bottom looks right. OR, I have to buy regular sized dressed and hope my tailor can shorten the top part.
@Hostess,
If I could sing, I’m pretty convinced I’d have a better life (better home, car, friends, opportunities)
okay, i feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!!!! and i was sitting there saying this to a friend who is one of south africa’s most renowned and successful vocalists, and she gave me this dirty ‘oh, PLEASE’ look, and proceeded to break it down to me how foolish and illogical my thinking was…(her life, true, is a bit of a mess)
but i can’t help it!! i honestly believe that if i could just sing, be on stage, dazzle mesmerize and bewitch the masses, my life would be AMAAAAZING!!
@Hostess,
wish i hada 6 pack hell even a 4 pack then I would be completely irrisistable. My homie has a 6pack and he doesnt even talk to girls he jus lifts up his shirt and they melt. (smh)
I feel like 93% of my problems in life would be solved if I could sing. I would sing my way out of jams at work, it would be easier to pick up women cuz I’ll just sing to them, I could even angry sing when I’m at places like the DMV or with a Comcast customer service rep.
@Dorian G., that’s real I’d also like to add that you can be a hell of a lot less cute if you can sing eg. Luther, Jaheim, All the members in Silk, Day 26, Troop, Boys II Men, Bobby Brown, J Holiday, Usher (got a funny looking head most ppl wouldnt overlook under normal circumstances), Teddy P, Al Green, all of motown, tho Marvin was a ladykilla……..
@Dorian G.,
That only works in the movies. Or Family Guy. They have a musical selection for everything.
@Ashley Neicole,
LOL like the Shi poo pee dance routine that Peter did when he played football. Awesome!
@Luvvie,
or the one they did to make the hemp legal lol. Brian and Stewie killed it!
@Luvvie,
Personally I liked the “Freakin FCC” one.
@Luvvie,
lmao prom nite dumpster baby was my fave ironically.
@Dorian G.,
What would you sing?
@Dorian G., See my comment above!
I wish….
–I could sew, quilt, knit or some crafty thing like that. I plan on working on the knitting this summer
–I could swim better. I’m not bad, but I wanna be great…like mermaid great
–I was taller. 5’7 isn’t bad, and I tower over most of my friends in heels, but I would love to be 5’10. It would make me feel like I could conquer the world….
–I could be naturally slim, instead I have to workout like a dog just to maintain, and right now I want to tighten up and lose about 8lbs, which means I have to workout 2x harder than the dog…
@N.I.A. naturally….,
I can’t swim at all. Well, let me correct that…I can’t tread water to save my life. And I don’t know a lot of black ppl who can lol.
@Ashley Neicole,
lol. a lot of us can’t swim. I took lessons when i was younger, then took them again a few years ago, so I’m kinda decent. But I want to take more lessons this summer just so I can really get good at it.
@Ashley Neicole,
Try the Red Cross for no frills lessons. You will come out of there will gills and a fin
@BlkBond,
red cross coo so if i drown they’ll save me hella quick.
and yea niggs cant swim thas why we get the plastic pools in the backyard for the summer.
@N.I.A. naturally….,
And by the way…Star Trek was great…but Star Trek on the IMAX was fyckin’ awesome!!!!
@N.I.A. naturally….,
Going to see it in IMAX on sunday with my Dad and Bro. I can not Wait!
@N.I.A. naturally…., AGREED…
@N.I.A. naturally….,
–I could sew, quilt, knit or some crafty thing like that. I plan on working on the knitting this summer
i want to learn how to knit too. i can crochet but i’m bored with it now. my mom and her sisters are all quilting now. they make GORGEOUS quilts and have “quilting parties”. and though it SCREAMS old lady-ish, i sooo wanna be invited and participate!!
Not trying to be a copy cat or anything Champ but 2 or your skills (or lack there of) I also possess. I can’t make Cream of Wheat either it always too lumpy or dry as the Sierra desert.
Also ironing is my nemesis. I could stand over the iron for 10 minutes ironing and ironing but then the next morning it looks like I slept in the outfit and then balled it up.
Others include the inability to make good conversation I have a brain freeze when it comes to starting a convo.
Also I wish I could look snazzy like the other women I see. I’m really low-maintenance and don’t take the time to get dolled up like other women.
@pinksghetti,
I could stand over the iron for 10 minutes ironing and ironing but then the next morning it looks like I slept in the outfit and then balled it up.
i know the feeling, smh. thank God for dry cleaners.
- I wish I could make pancakes. I think I get too anxious and flip them over before they’re ready so they always come out looking like lopsided stars, burnt, gummy, or all of the above.
- I wish I could get my laundry to have that lasting “fresh” scent. It doesn’t seem to matter how much detergent or fabric softener I use… Maybe I need to upgrade my brands?
- I wish I could snap my fingers with both hands. Trying to shield myself with my right hand during a childhood whooping messed it all up for me…
@MissJ82, I wish I could snap my fingers with both hands.
I try to snap with my right and it just sounds like Im lighting a match.
@Mr. Mister, Ok, glad I’m not alone. I was starting to feel bad…
@MissJ82,
Pancakes are my arch nemesis…every single time, they thwart me from my ultimate goal of a great breakfast. Thank holymother that I now have a waffle maker….
as for that snapping thing…i can only snap with my left hand…the right hand just makes a soft “thud” like sound…
@N.I.A. naturally…., YES – waffle makers have resurrected my confidence in making breakfast!
“Trying to shield myself with my right hand during a childhood whooping messed it all up for me…”
Ha ha ha! I have a few beating related injuries myself. It was like going in to war and defending your body all while resisting the urge to fight back.
@Dom, LOL! I always wanted to just start running away but I knew that would only make my dad “fire me up”, as he would say, even more.
@MissJ82,
“I wish I could get my laundry to have that lasting “fresh” scent. It doesn’t seem to matter how much detergent or fabric softener I use… Maybe I need to upgrade my brands?”
I have this SAME issue. When I wash my clothes at my parents’ they come out spring fresh. When I wash at home, using the same detergent, I get nothing. I don’t know. I recently starting making smaller loads but then I think the water became to soapy. My clothes started to smell great but then my skin was itching… lol!
@Ivy St., I just don’t get it, LOL!
I wish I could
1) Dunk from the free-throw line.
(Every since i was 10 years old I wanted to be able to dunk from the free-throw line)
2) DJ like DJ Premier, Jazzy-Jeff, Q-Bert, Rhettmatic and all those other turntable wizards.
3) Dance
(I can’t dance to save my life. When i go out women don’t believe me when they ask me to dance. I guess they get fooled from my tight head-nodding skills)
4) Better at breaking the ice when approaching women. I can do everything else good except breaking the ice.
5) Cook meals other than breakfast dishes. I am good at making breakfast. Dinner on the other hand? I suck at it.
6) could speak twi, spanish, and chinese
@Humble One,
Breakfast is the best part of waking up…just leave dinner to us….
@Humble One,
Speaking Twi is overrated. Ga is where its at!!
**this coming from the girl who is from the family that has 50% of people that speak Twi– latent issues much?**
@Humble One,
1) Dunk from the free-throw line.
(Every since i was 10 years old I wanted to be able to dunk from the free-throw line)
2) DJ like DJ Premier, Jazzy-Jeff, Q-Bert, Rhettmatic and all those other turntable wizards.
damn, you want some ambitious ass skills, lol
@Humble One,
4) Better at breaking the ice when approaching women. I can do everything else good except breaking the ice.
The guy (or girl) that writes this book and it’s genuinely good, is gonna make the best sellers list.
@Humble One,
I wish I could scratch records like one of those Japanese kids. They always catch the break beat, perfect loops, etc.
I wish I had the let it go gene. Oh shyt do I get and stay angry. It’s not often but LORD HELP US when it does go down.
@WuDaMan,
& I wish I could play a coordination necissary on land sport w/o everybody busting out laughing. eff my life.
@WuDaMan,
I wish I didn’t have athsma which is agrivated by the sweet sticky icky. I’m a jolly cat off jump but who doesn’t like giggle fits induced by the sweet sweet cheebuh?
@WuDaMan,
Oh how I love it when you have a whole conversation with yourself!
@RedBeanzNRice,
Word!?
@WuDaMan,
I wish I could clap sway and sing
@WuDaMan,
LMAO – Wu, you’s a nut!
@WuDaMan,
you ain’t got that ‘church choir clap’ down, huh? took me a minute too….
Forgot another skill I wish I had. The ability to eat a lot and not gain weight. I’m medium weight but I wish I was skinnier in the stomach. For those that wish for booty you have to remember that with booty comes responsibility.
Also wish my ability to attract those who I want to attract and unattract those who I don’t want to attract needs some work.
@pinksghetti,
“For those that wish for booty you have to remember that with booty comes responsibility.”
Please say that again…they do not understand, it’s a blessing and a curse!
By the way
Cream of Wheat> all hot cereals
ESPECIALLY GRITS
@Humble One,
get outa here you obviously have not tasted my apple oatmeal. Soon to come my quice oatmeal *evil laughter* mwuaaahahahahaha
@WuDaMan,
quice
Please expound…lol
@miss t-lee,
it is a fruit used for pot pouri raw but is great as a jelly or jam. rumored to be the fruit from the tree of life in the middel of the garden of eden that eve ate.
@WuDaMan,
oops that was a type o I ment quince
@WuDaMan,
I also hate feeling left out.
@WuDaMan,
gotcha.
@Humble One,
Co-signage.
A couple of things I wished i could do:
DANCE!!! THIS IS SOME BULLSHYAT. Can somebody please explain to me why I can’t dance????WTF??? Now, Rhythm.. I have. I can head bob.. Chair jigg.. Do the cupid shuffle, bunny hop, bus stop and slo dance with the baddest chikks, but when it comes to anything outside of that….. I LOOK A HOT DAYUM MESS! It’s like i can see the dance in my head, but the shyat doesn’t come out through my body the way it is supposed to. My mother and myself are true New Orleaniens, and my father is Puerto Rican… There is no reason why i shouldn’t be able to dutty wine, pon da RIVER, step, salsa, all that stuff….
Dayum!… I done made my self start crying……
@Laneianna,
LOL @ Chair jigg
I met a guy in the club one time and he wanted to see how good my chair dancing skillz were. he claimed that he was the best chair dancer. I find that good chair dancers don’t make good on the floor dancers. LOL!
i wish i could speak all the languages i had access to FLUENTLY – french, amharic, setswana, portuguese, isizulu…. i think my life would be a whole lot betta…
i wish i could swim properly. i wish i could do yoga properly…
i do a lot of things half-ish….native language speakers are impressed with my grasp of their languages – but i know it could be better. my yoga instructor is happy with my progress ( i completed the 6 week bikram challenge, after all) but i feel i could be BETTER.
i can do a decent doggy paddle – but i wanna master the butterfly!!
i was always one of those kids who teachers said had ‘so much potential’, but isn’t trying… back then it used to annoy me… now it just kind of saddens me. nobody wants to live a half-life
ah well – i’m doing the best i can with what i’ve got… which ain’t half bad….
and on that note….
***********HAPPY AFRICA DAY PEEPS!!!**********
“i was always one of those kids who teachers said had ’so much potential’, but isn’t trying… ”
I used to get that a lot too. One teacher told me I was unmotivated. I saw him in a gay bar a few months back and finally lived my dream of telling him to kiss my a**!
@Dom,
..I take it due to the type of bar he was in that he refused, lol.
@AkShone,
Lol & Smh
@superwoman,
It’s Africa Day?? ell H*ll, everyday is Africa Day
*waves Pan-African Flag*
First I rep the Green-White-Green (Nigeria), then I rep the Red-Gold-Green (Africa), then SOMETIMES, I rep that Red-Black-Green (Black folk). But this past weekend, I quit repping that last one when I saw 30 Black dudes fight for 30 mins. And one dude crowd surfed the fight. I promptly reneged my Black Card
I wish I could…
Take the wrapper off a Starburst with my mouth, like the chick in that commercial a few years back. I’d have to change my middle name to “skillz” legally.
Save money! I cant do it for the life of me. I’d like to blame it on my age, but my younger brother is a pro so that doesnt hold up. I’ll get there eventually though.
@Dom,
Save money! I cant do it for the life of me. I’d like to blame it on my age, but my younger brother is a pro so that doesnt hold up. I’ll get there eventually though.
i’ve always envied people who could save well as well.
Oh!
…. And I wish I had wilderness survival skills. I was at the crib one day watching…. Survivorman, and thought to my self…. All this education my daddy paid for… If you dropped my blk azz a mile out fom a major interstate in the woods/forest… I wouldnt know what the hell to do. I don’t know how to start a fire… don’t know how to fish, hunt, find water, tell time by the sun/sky, would not be able to tell you where north is ( i heard you can tell by the moss on a tree), I would not know what was safe to eat… what to wipe my butt with….
*still crying*
@Laneianna,
*hug*
Girl, I would’ve been the first one dead on Lost…well that and the fact that I’m black.
@Ashley Neicole,
LOL!! me and you both!
Saldy enough, I wish I could do some sort of stripper split. I’m not sure why or if I should have shared this.
@Ivy St.,
Girl we all need some skripper skillz. Don’t be ashamed!
@Ivy St.,
Does your city have pole/sensual dance classes? They can teach you. The classes here are 12 bucks a pop for 3 hours… its FUN
@Ivy St.,
next time you and i make a trip up to DC (clearly not this wknd since i’m stuck lol), we’ll take a pole class. when i went with the gals (you know the crew) the strip aerobics class we took for new year’s was so much fun!! i’m still waiting to try out my moves…
@Ivy St.,
I’m with you, Ivy. That is a skill. I’d be in a perpetual state of Split, sliding around the floor and sh*t, lol. Jus inappropriate
@Luvvie,
“I’d be in a perpetual state of Split, sliding around the floor and sh*t, lol. Jus inappropriate”
LMFAO…you’d be like Missy in the “Work It” video. She wasn’t doing splits, but that’s what the above reminded me of and I cried.
@Ivy St.,
I’m with ya here. Chardonnay doing the banana split on For the Love of Ray J firmly planted that dream in my head. Lord knows what kinda damage I could do with that. And then when she did that “my vajajay is painin” trick from the skripper pole?! Shawty got gifts.
@Ivy St.,
Some days (read most days) I wish I was a stripper…
I wish I knew how to sew. I mean REALLY sew. I’m pretty mean on hemming, patching and fixing buttons and zippers, but one of my co-workers made her daughter’s prom dress this year and that thing was FABULOUS (no Kimora/Mama Tina). I want to be on her level.
I wish my skin wasn’t so sensitive. My arse is allergic to EVERYTHING making being me, VERY EXPENSIVE. No costume jewels, only organic coconut oil or shea butter, no store brand shower gels, soaps… even my “lady products” have to be raw organic cotton. Sheesh.
iCan’t with my oversensitive self.
I wish I was more devoted to my craft. I used to set aside time to write every day, but life got in the way. My goal was to live off of my writing… I need to get on that!
I’m working on being a better wife. I can be a bit demanding, and because he’s so accomodating, I kinda take advantage. I need to stop that shyt. YESTERDAY.
I wish I could cuss people out without cussing like my mom. She does it with such dignity and class you are immediately apologetic for your ENTIRE LIFE. And she doesn’t curse. Not at all.
I wish I spoke Ewe. I have no means of communicating with some members of my dad’s family because they didn’t go to formal school and were never taught English. I can’t talk to my grandmother. Its sad.
I wish I could let go and enjoy life a bit more. I’m so concerned with responsibilities and such that I can’t even bring myself to take time off from work (unless absolutely necessary) or even take a vacation (its been 10 years).
@blackberry molasses,
I wish my skin wasn’t so sensitive.
This is one I forgot to list.
Ugh…
Danm, ten years? Start a vacation fund! I will donate!
@Dom,
My problem is that I’ll find some bill that needs paying or someone in my family will need money, or something. It always happens. I think my lot in life is to never take a vaycay.
@blackberry molasses,
“I wish my skin wasn’t so sensitive.”
Ya know, mine wasn’t bothering me until about a year ago when I just up and broke into hives. So now I’m depended on Allegra and I’m not sure it’ll go away. I’m not allergic to anything in particular but mold and I found out that I have dermatographism and it sucks ICE.
On a more serious note I wish I could:
1. speak another language
2. bake but then again this might cause severe weight gain.
3. Communicate with animals…
4. Build things.
@Ivy St.,
so the way you talk to utz and mr. peepers like they’re humans doesn’t count as communicating with animals??
I’ve mentioned it time and time again. I wish I had a bigger butt and hips. It amazes me that the only 2 black folks in the world with no butt got together and had a daughter! And I wish the girls were slightly smaller (this would make my butt look more proportioned). Victoria’s Secret doesn’t even carry my size! And my feet are too big for my height. This makes shoe shopping quite a challenge, but on the plus side I save a lot of money.
In other news, I wish I could do the following:
1. Cornrow hair
2. Parallel park with ease (for some reason I just can’t get it right the 1st time)
3. Speak another language
4. Get over my severe case of stage freight
5. Play an instrument other than the vocal chords
6. Be carefree (I might be a little too maternal for that to ever happen)
That’s all I got for now. And thanks Champ. I’m pigeon-toed too. I never knew that was the reason my pants were wearing out so quickly.
Since we’re admitting our physical specialities:
I have finger toes. My niece calls them french fry (a la McDonalds) toes. I was glad to know that Halle Berry does too. Except I don’t look like her at all. Well, at least I have a booty. Look at that, not my toes.
Things I wish I had:
- The ability to do hair. Put a girl in my lap to braid their hair and I’d look at you all, “Me no speaka da english”.
- The ability to throw DOWN in the kitchen. I got that from my Mama. All her other sister know how to put some feets in their dinner, but she doesn’t have that gift. She makes the best peach cobbler though. I guess that’s what I want at least. To master at least one dish. So people can say, “Have you tried Cheekie’s so-and-so? THE. BOMB.”
- Take true risks. I want to just pack up and go to L.A. on pure faith. It’ll take a production company to buy a script of mine to do that, which is safer, but I want the bravery to just go. I’m obviously not ready yet.
- The ability to travel when I please I wanna just up and say, “I’m going to France on Saturday for some crepes. That bakery down the street ain’t doing it for me”.
And last, but certainly not least:
I wish this post didn’t remind me of Kels’ song “I Wish”. Now I’m reminded of his failed attempt to appear innocent and pure by wearing white in the video but instead he was still the same ol’ mofo who pokes teenyboppers. FML and all that jazz.
@Cheekie,
I blame my parents for me not knowing how to cook… at LEAST 4 days out of the week, my daughter and I have “Meat” and salad for dinner. Maybe steak, chicken, turkey, roast… My culinery skills are not he best.. I mean a ninja aint gonna starve, but I’m not going to lie and say It’s going to be finger likin’ good… And it is so sad, because when you say you are from New Orleans, people immediatly i.d. that with the food.
@Cheekie,
“I have finger toes.”
So you can just pick stuff up off the floor when you walk, huh? I’d say that’s a talent!
@RedBeanzNRice,
LOL…exactly. I guess I didn’t evolve all the way, huh?
@Cheekie,
“I didn’t evolve all the way, huh?”
On the contrary my dear! If anything you’re more evolved than the rest of us. Shew, I gotta stop and bend down to pick up stuff – you just snatch it up and keep it moving.
Gotta love it!
@RedBeanzNRice,
LOL…true. I mean, I said that cuz apes got finger toes too. But yeah, I can work that into some kinda skripper move for the (future) boo.
Hmm, I wish I could:
Sang, not sing. I dabble in tune, but I wish I had the kind of voice that brings people to tears – in a good way.
Sew. My tailor earns way too much of my monies.
Play piano. I played for two years, and quit.
Braid Piggy Wiggy’s hair (my daughter). It just doesn’t work. Viva la ponytails!
Play chess. I think I would understand the world better.
damn that, this post got me excited in very inappropriate ways. pigeon toes give dudes the cutest little duck waddles when they walk!!! like it pokes they booties out and then it does this cute little wiggle from side to side.. i used to get crushes on dudes JUST because they were pigeon toed.
champ, what’s ur backyard lookin like?? you holdin??! have u pictorial evidence to share with the class?
on the sly tho, one thing i wish i had, just for a couple of days, is a penis. omg they’re so FUN!! (im a girl, btw) i spend a good amount of time imagining what id do if i had my own twig&berries. topping the list so far:
-lay it gingerly on someone’s shoulder and keep it there til they notice it
-smack someone in the face with it
-encourage someone to sing into it like a microphone
@Brokey McPoverty,
I wonder if this is what they were talking about when they labeled the term “penis envy”. Probably.
i wish i could make pretty b*tches spontaneously combust….or at least answer to my wills.
one or the other…I’m not fussy.
Oh, I wish I could randomly hand out “I’m a b*tchazz n***a.” ID cards and t-shirts out to dudes that deserve it. I think I’d send Kobe a gift basket complete with t-shirt, ID card, cufflinks, personalized license plates and a gift certificate for the “B*tchazz N***a Special at the tattoo parlor.
I wish I could hand out “Please don’t talk to me. I’m a moron who will give you a headache” t-shirts.
I wish I could slap “I don’t know how to f**king drive” bumper stickers on cars that do dumb shyt in traffic
I wish I could hand out “Poor Parenting Awards” to people like the mama who let her child run RAMPANT through the Cheesecake Factory last night and magically ignored the irritated comments, cussing and side-eyes from all the other patrons.
I also wanna hand out “Hot Ghetto Mess” Awards to all the fools in these pics”
http://savvyfatty.blogspot.com/2009/05/guess-whos-fizzat.html
which would come with tickets to “What Not To Wear- Remedial Edition”
@blackberry molasses,
“I also wanna hand out “Hot Ghetto Mess” Awards to all the fools in these pics”
Ole girl in pic 6 know DAMN WELL she ain’t got no business tryna do ANYTHING strapless, let alone that joint she’s tryna rock. I swear, fools these days are missing home-training like a mug.
“Why has your weave disagreed, divorced, and parted like Moses did the sea?”
Dead
@blackberry molasses,
LOL i love you e-mama. that is all.
@blackberry molasses,
i pity the damn photographer! smmfh
I wish I was at least 6’3 im only 6ft if I was 6’3 I would rule the world.
I wish I could make meatloaf- My baby mama made the bombest meatloaf I eva tasted in my life. The meatloaf was so good I put up with her bs for 2years longer then I shoulda just to get some meatloaf. I even knocked her up thinkin I would recieve a lifetime supply of meatloaf (call me shallow if you want a nigg gotta eat)
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“I wish I was at least 6?3 im only 6ft if I was 6?3 I would rule the world.”
Yeah, I’m sure a LOT of dudes wish they had 3 more inches.
But for real – meatloaf? I mean damn, it wasn’t even Steak Tartare, Beef Stroganoff, or nothin? You’ve GOT to be the easiest man in the world to please, culinary-wise, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
im simple and not all meatloaf is good only a select few can make it.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Actually I gotta get down with the extra special meatloaf thing. It ain’t even that special of a dish and I’m not even a fan of it, but my auntie can make the bangiest meatloaf evah. It’s all in the sauce. She has her own secret (it always is) recipe. Hers is the only meatloaf I would eat, though.
Otherwise, it’s just a bland slab of meat. And no one likes bland meat. Pauseness.
@Cheekie,
And no one likes bland meat.
Truth, but uncalled for, nonetheless.
Corner. NOW. Do not pass go, and don’t even THINK about touching them two hunnit dollas.
@blackberry molasses, Miss t-lee
See? She ain’t even do nothing wrong. Yall’s minds are in the gutter. Right Cheekie?
@RedBeanzNRice,
“Yall’s minds are in the gutter. Right Cheekie?”
*thinks about how she said “pause”* Um, yeah…right. I only paused because I was thinking about my auntie’s FYE meatloaf. RedBeanzNRice is right! Ya’ll nasty!
Get thee to a nunnery, heathens!
@Cheekie and RedBeanz..
mmmhmmmm **side-eye**
I’ll wait while both of you amass the army that you will need to be your ‘mo peoples’…. g’head… I’m waiting.
@Cheekie,
Otherwise, it’s just a bland slab of meat. And no one likes bland meat.
*crying*
@Cheekie,
I hate yall and yall secret mf’n receipes dont let me in ya house im goin strait for the cookbook. hmmmm getting idea. But dam real pro’s dont use cookbooks cause they jus kno what ta do so fuq it im kidnappin big mama.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Right, I was just gonna say, “what cookbook?”. Big Mamas don’t measure shish. They got that instinct. It’s all in here. *points to head*
@Cheekie,
Shoooot. My grandma was clowning me for using a measuring cup. lol
She was like “you can’t tell how much flour you’re using w/o a measuring cup?”
I told her, “no–you see me using a measuring cup don’t you?”
She shook her head at me.
@miss t-lee,
I know! When I ask my sister how much you need of an ingredient she snaps back, “Black folks don’t measure!”. We should just have a feel for it…whatever “looks” or “feels” right is right. lol
@ cheekie
If I went by “whatever looks about right”, I’d be throwing away a bunch of food. When in doubt, I measure it. Especially if it’s a brand new recipe or something you’re just learning how to make.
Especially when baking–I have to measure or it will be an inedible mess.
@miss t-lee,
“If I went by “whatever looks about right”, I’d be throwing away a bunch of food. ”
Exactly! This is my principle, too. Never has “it’s a recession” been so apt. lol
I ain’t got beaucoup dollars to be making my ingredients guinea pigs. I’m trying to get it exactly right on the first try.
My sister does succumb to measuring when baking, though. Guess she’s not big mama enough yet. lol
I wish I had some mechanic skills.
Every time I have to take a vehicle to the shop, I feel like I’m getting bent over and taken advantage of because I have no idea what is going on. I hate being in situation where I’m totally clueless and that defines every encounter with a mechanic.
@Big Man,
if i could do it all over again id say eff college and strait to mechanics school. You make bread and you save bread cause you can fix your own whip
@Big Man,
I’m with you on that. The window regulator on my car went on Monday. Thank the Lawd for my frat brother, or I’m sure some mechanic would have raped my bank account.
He couldn’t fix it while we were at work, but at least I KNOW what’s going on, what the labor involved is and how much it should cost, so I can tell if someone’s trying to rip me.
I wish, I wish, I wish…
I wish I was a natural Suzie Homemaker. Like I could just look at my kitchen and it would get all organized and my pots and pans would be all gleaming and arranged like they should… And just snap my fingers and my carpet will be clean and smelling fresh… and my bathroom resplendant and… and…
Oh? They don’t clap their fingers to make that happen?
Ok then, I wish I enjoyed housekeeping chores and didn’t have to resort to hiring a cleaning lady. But I can not stand housecleaning… It just kills my soul… and I like a clean environment… so a cleaning lady is a must.
*huge sigh*
Hmmmm, late 2 tha party but I wish:
- I neva gave up on my dream to the NFL. (don’t laugh it’s true)
- Really, REALLY wish I could sing like Avant or Neyo or something like that.
- people found me more approchable. I think I’m one of those cats that give off a “don’t mess with me, I’ll kick yo azz” vibe. I really work hard to change that..maybe too hard sometimes.
- Learned to be more tactful. (Been hearin that all my life) I tend to let it fly with no filter when I get caught up into what I’m saying. Definently working on that. Sometimes I try too hard and neva end up saying what I really meant in the first place.
- Dunk
-Stop being so damn responsible all tha time…can be very irritating and people tend to take you for granted cause of it.
That’s all 4 now…that I can think of.
@Tx10inch,
I feel you on the responsibility thing. It’s good to be responsible but people do take advantage because they know you will do the responsible thing. I wish I could change it to but I see some of my friends who aren’t responsible and thank GOD he made me this way. They got problems
- Could give mind blowing oral sex without being drunk
- Could speak several languages
- Could play the sax and the drums
- Could ballroom dance