I Will Literally Give Someone Actual Money To Attend Dr. Umar Johnson’s Hotepalooza In Brooklyn And Report On It
You might remember geographically incorrect Africa medallion soaked in Thunderbird with sentience Dr. Umar Johnson from his prominent role in last year’s Hotep Civil War. (And if you don’t remember any of that, great! Congratulations! I’m jealous of your ability to erase that shit from your mind, and please forgive me for reminding you of it.)
If you recall, Dr. Umar — who touts himself as the Prince of Pan-Africanism and a blood relative of Frederick Douglass, Shaka Zulu, and Porgy from Porgy and Bess — had a beef with someone called a General Sara Suten Seti about some shit I really don’t even feel like typing out again. Threats were made via a 45-minute-long video, which captivated the nation as we all watched and wondered how many Philadelphia Phillies knit stocking caps could be purchased with stolen GoFundMe donations.
Now he’s back, and apparently doing some sort of hotep-truther national speaking tour, calling himself the “most requested scholar.” Which I know is a lie because niggas request Dr. Pepper and Dr. Scholls far more than they request Dr. Umar. I was alerted to his Hotepalooza after a flyer from his Brooklyn stop found its way around Facebook. Friday June 30th, he will be at Brown Memorial Baptist Church from 6pm to 9pm, with doors opening at 4pm for anyone who wants to get a selfie or an autograph on a super, duper tiny kufi. And I, Damon Young, will literally pay literal money out of my own literal pocket for someone who has five hours to spare that day and wants to attend. I’m deadly serious. If you’re interested in doing this, hit me at firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject “I want your literal money.” Do it for the culture.