I Will Literally Give Someone Actual Money To Attend Dr. Umar Johnson’s Hotepalooza In Brooklyn And Report On It » VSB

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I Will Literally Give Someone Actual Money To Attend Dr. Umar Johnson’s Hotepalooza In Brooklyn And Report On It

Dr. Umar Johnson via Facebook

 

You might remember geographically incorrect Africa medallion soaked in Thunderbird with sentience Dr. Umar Johnson from his prominent role in last year’s Hotep Civil War. (And if you don’t remember any of that, great! Congratulations! I’m jealous of your ability to erase that shit from your mind, and please forgive me for reminding you of it.)

If you recall, Dr. Umar — who touts himself as the Prince of Pan-Africanism and a blood relative of Frederick Douglass, Shaka Zulu, and Porgy from Porgy and Bess — had a beef with someone called a General Sara Suten Seti about some shit I really don’t even feel like typing out again. Threats were made via a 45-minute-long video, which captivated the nation as we all watched and wondered how many Philadelphia Phillies knit stocking caps could be purchased with stolen GoFundMe donations.

Now he’s back, and apparently doing some sort of hotep-truther national speaking tour, calling himself the “most requested scholar.” Which I know is a lie because niggas request Dr. Pepper and Dr. Scholls far more than they request Dr. Umar. I was alerted to his Hotepalooza after a flyer from his Brooklyn stop found its way around Facebook. Friday June 30th, he will be at Brown Memorial Baptist Church from 6pm to 9pm, with doors opening at 4pm for anyone who wants to get a selfie or an autograph on a super, duper tiny kufi.  And I, Damon Young, will literally pay literal money out of my own literal pocket for someone who has five hours to spare that day and wants to attend. I’m deadly serious. If you’re interested in doing this, hit me at damon@verysmartbrothas.com with the subject “I want your literal money.” Do it for the culture.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • The world doesn’t want me to get money. I’m in Texas not NYC. Whyyyy, lord? Why me???

    • Omar Easley

      I’m going to start a GoFund me page to help send you to NYC for this monumental event. You may or may not actually get the money. And by ‘may or may not’, i mean you won’t.

      • Jennifer

        Seems appropros.

      • Haha! Y’all need to come up off that money. I would LOVE to cover this. The jokes write themselves.

  • Zil Nabu

    Why couldn’t I have aligned my travel better. If he comes to Chicago will you still pay me to go?

  • Ty Ellison

    Ifatunde’s Revenge? King Kong Konsciousness (re-purposing KKK?)? The poster looks like something from the Pen & Pixel/Master P heyday, and it sounds like it will be full of shenanigans.

    • Animate

      Don’t insult No Limit Records like that!

    • Jocelyn

      The triple Ks were the first thing I saw and I am perplexed. Also, is that Caesar from Planet of the Apes in teh background? Are we trying to reclaim and rename all of the hateful things in one flyer?

    • mahoganylawlady

      Shenanigans to be sure but who can last 5 hours listening to his pontificating? Chile please…good luck to whomeber goes though.

    • Can King Kong Konsciousness be a shirt, because I need one.

  • Val

    I nominate Malik.

    • AzucarNegra

      We might as well kick Father Hugh off the island and let him go.

      • Val

        Morning, chica. How’s you?

        • AzucarNegra

          I am good dahlin’ trying to be productive. What about you? Doing some digging too ( old files)

          • Val

            Same, trying to be productive.

    • This has Brass Tacks written all over it but Rewind might actually be in the area.

      • Val

        Nah, Brass is Hotep adjacent, he might get sucked in and never return. Lol

        • AzucarNegra

          Rewind at least will give us an in depth treatise in colourful language

      • Rewind4ThatBehind

        I’d do this out of spite

  • 44isnojoke

    If one were to attend are they required to listen attentively…or can they record it on their tablet/smartphone and continue their Diamond Mine game? QTNA

  • HouseOfBonnets
    • Soul Glo Model

      Who ever this is does something for me.

    • She is extra sexy.

    • Who is she?

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Not sure but she is a gif legend

  • Jocelyn

    I will donate a box of Benadryl because the attendee is bound to break out in hives from being exposed to high levels of foolishness.

  • AzucarNegra

    So we gonna have a rumble in some kinda jungle. If then, can I set up a Dr Umar vs Alex Jones/ Richard Spencer?

  • Jennifer

    Can we start a GoFundMe campaign for post-event dranks for that person? Gonna need ’em.

    • AzucarNegra

      Nah we gonna need just E&J or as I have recently learnt, Everclear.

      • Jennifer

        Not trying to kill the tribute.

        • AzucarNegra

          I am thinking for the attendee to drown out the massive amount of foolishness that would be spouted. A hangover will surely be better and more plausible

  • AKA The Sauce

    I can’t be involved with such foolishness. I have a reputation to think about. I would gladly nominate Val….simply because I have a feeling she would shut the entire thing down.

    • Val

      You mean my laughing all through the event?

      • AKA The Sauce

        Pretty much…I think it would be an interesting encounter. I’m too violent but I think you could pull it off.

        • Hadassah

          Wait. Why are you violent for?

          • AKA The Sauce

            Lord not through with me yet.

      • 44isnojoke

        Or say what my co-worker informed me I say multiple times a day….THIS IS STUPID! And in real life I never knew I said this.

    • Jennifer

      What if we supplied you with a moustache and Steve Harvey wig?

      • 44isnojoke

        You need a whoopin!

      • AKA The Sauce

        I’ll need at least 3k in spending money, sonic screwdriver, and a Tardis.

        • Jennifer

          You betta negotiate!

          • AKA The Sauce

            I am, with you!

            • Jennifer

              *walks away whistling a broke tune*

      • BrothasKeeper

        A big ole box fade Mr. Hightower wig. You need false chiclet teeth too.

      • AzucarNegra

        Steve is officially garbage, so we shall not wish that on OG

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