I Thought Day Parties Were Dumb And Too “Millennial” Until I Had One Of My Own » VSB

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I Thought Day Parties Were Dumb And Too “Millennial” Until I Had One Of My Own

(Photo by Esuasi Segbefia)

When I hear the words day party, I instantly imagine women in strapless dresses from Anthropologie and dudes wearing suspenders with those super high hemmed pants. There’s barbecue chicken that magically doesn’t drip. It’s at a perfectly appointed venue. There’s no talk about politics or hip-hop. There are people sitting on the back of upholstered couches from Pottery Barn which would normally be super Not Okay but because their pants are cuffed and hemmed to the knee it’s okay. No deviled eggs, because you’d have to lick your fingers. There’s liquor but no likker.

I can only imagine because I’ve never been to a day party. I can’t front. When it first became a Thing, I wondered, (sometimes publicly), why I’d never gotten an invite from my younger friends. When my 10-years-younger bestie gave me the tea on his 3rd or 4th day party, I realized I probably wasn’t getting invited because I wasn’t 10 years younger. Ouch.

But here’s the thing. Even if I had been invited, I wouldn’t go.

Parties just don’t work for me. I don’t like to go to parties and I definitely don’t like having them. Why? I’m a homebody. I work from home. I live from home. I do everything from home. Then, there’s my hair—always problematic. I can never count on her to make sense on any given day. Then there’s the adult acne I’ve gotten going on or that story I’m always trying to finish. And I’m just a curmudgeon in general.

I also avoid parties because I have to get to bed early. I have meds that knock me all the way out. If I take them after 11, I’m a sleepwalking gremlin. So it’s out of the question to have a party at my place.

So I just had a party at my place.

Last year I had my first party since I turned thirty. Which was thirteen years ago. Not even kidding. My party last year was amazing. I felt so much warmth and love from my friends and family after a year that kicked my ass in every conceivable way.

I’ll be traveling this year for my birthday so I decided to throw together a party last Saturday.

I thought about this day party nonsense again. Should I have one? But why would you have a party in the middle of the day? A baby shower, yes. But a party-party? With Henny and ratchet clothes and a DJ? But it’s daylight outside! And then what do you do afterward?

A millennial clued me in. Afterward the guests leave. And you’re on the sofa by 8 watching Golden Girls.

Watching Golden Girls by 8!? Well, for me it would be Hey Arnold! But either way—A DAY PARTY IT IS!

My building has a sick rooftop deck with a view of New York City. (I can count on one hand how many times I’ve hung out up there. Shameful.) I planned to have the party there.

I just happened to see an invite template that said: come be jealous of my roof. I chose that one—even though it was supposed to rain. I made it clear that the party was BYOB. And then, because I’m a lazy host, I added that it was BYOF as well. And because I’m trifling, I said everyone had to bring enough B and F to share.

Then, I set the time: 1PM – 5PM.

The morning of the party, I sat up in my bed in horror. I really invited people to my home? Was I really doing this day party nonsense? I couldn’t just read Entertainment Weekly on my iPad and pray Verizon hadn’t cut my cable off?

Now, if this were a regular party, I’d have time to adjust and stop freaking out. But not with this stupid 1pm start time! It was going to take me an hour just to get FroGirl to behave!

Tiny disasters all morning long: too hot to hang out on the roof. Move location to courtyard where random families in my building are stretched out. FroGirl is a hot mess. My sister didn’t put paprika on the deviled eggs. And she didn’t make some without relish for me since relish is vile. Bae and I are arguing because I don’t like what he’s wearing and he’s not trying to impress nobody but who meets their girl’s family for the first time wearing a t-shirt and sweat-shorts?! Having three hours to prepare was not a good look.

At 12:59 I was still trying to figure out what to wear. At 1:10 I was downstairs, sweating out my dress already and wanting to skip to the part where I’m on my sofa watching Hey Arnold.

Can y’all tell me why my day party wasn’t in full swing until THREE THIRTY? Did I do something wrong? Are day parties supposed to start at 3? I know our people come to places when they want to. But shouldn’t there be a rule that we all get to day parties on time since there’s an actual end time?

Well. I guess I know better than that.

This is just one of the reasons why day parties are dumb. Our folk don’t honor end times! So a party that starts at 1 is just going to be a long ass party!

At 5, folks were still arriving bringing more amazing dishes and likker. At 6, the weather chilled and we went up to the roof to have a toast to good food and good friends. Came back down.

Time for another round of food and likker. My sister’s deviled eggs are not a game. (Even though she didn’t put paprika on them, which is a crime.)

By 7, some of my friends were making conversation with Bae, sizing him up and taking note of his proper summer shorts swag. Then the music got a bit louder and the playful boozy arguments started. At 8:30, I started yawning. At 8:45 I saw one of my besties hit it off rather well with another guest. At 9, Bae started cleaning up and then went upstairs to feed the dog and then walk him. At 9:30, y’all, I left my own party. Which was in full swing. It started raining. People huddled up under the umbrellas.

Likker was still being consumed.

By 11, I was asleep.

My sister tells me that the party did not end until midnight, when building security came through and said to beat it.

So. My day party started at one pm and ended at midnight. 11 hours. Right. That’s what you call a day party. Absolutely ridiculous.

And now I wish I could have one every single weekend.

I’m almost 44. I know this sounds corny. But it is an extreme blessing to have your friends and family around you. I’m getting choked up just writing this.

Maybe it’s because I lost my dad this year. My siblings and I no longer have him as an anchor.

My brother is a man of little words—especially when it comes to his two younger sisters. So when I looked up and saw him playing spades with my younger sister for the first time? All. The. Feels. (Especially since they won.) I love my brother. But I don’t think I’ve ever said that to him in my entire life. I need eight hour long parties to get that point across to him without words.

Now, I do see my friends and family for a dinner or a brunch here and there. But that’s not the same as a long ass day party. Sometimes, you just don’t know what’s going on with folks until you see them in person for an extended period of time.

Example: two of my closest friends are twins. I had no idea that they were beefing and hadn’t spoken in months until I saw them at the party not speaking to each other. When I saw Guy Twin leave my party without speaking to Woman Twin, I was devastated. That’s something I wouldn’t find out if we all went out for after-work drinks.

I implore you. Have a long-ass day party. Not a brunch or dinner. A long-ass party at someone’s place. I don’t care how small your place is. Let people pile up on your bed. They don’t care. They love you. However many people you think you can fit in your place, invite double that amount.

Forget planning a menu. Tell someone to bring some shrimp fried rice. Talk about politics and hip-hop and 4:44 and Lemonade and Anthony Scaramucci and anything else that gets people riled up.

All you need is likker (no liquor) and deviled eggs with paprika and no relish. The rest is optional.

Also? When you set up your day party, can you please invite me?  aliyalovesdayparties@gmail.com

I swear I’ll come.

Aliya S. King

Aliya S. King is the author of two novels and three nonfiction books, including the New York Times bestseller Keep the Faith, written with recording artist Faith Evans. Right here, she wants to add something pithy and quirky about pancakes or something like in Damon’s bio. But she’s just not that witty. It would feel forced.

  • siante

    BYOFood & BYOLikker day parties? Brilliant!

  • 44isnojoke

    I want to have one…but I only have 3 friends. That’s no fun.

    • DAYUM!!! We will be your friends!

      • 44isnojoke

        I know tons of folks but I don’t like them like that.

        • Oh… I feel you.. in that case, carry on…lol

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          That’s why you will never have a party like that!

          • 44isnojoke

            Is that a jab?

            • Brooklyn_Bruin

              Curation leads to bad parties.

              • 44isnojoke

                My family is small, and my real live friends are few. I know a lot of people, but do I want to shake a tail feather in their presence…maybe….maybe not.

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          Can you trust them in your home? If so, invite them, you may be surprised at newfound friendships.

          • 44isnojoke

            I am very friendly…everyone likes me (cept for that 1YT girl at my part time.) I’m sure everyone I knew would come.

            • Michelle is my First Lady

              No. Can YOU trust people in your home? Like, what type of folks do you plan on inviting? There are some folks I don’t even bother inviting to my parties. I won’t have you bussing holes in my walls (especially when likka is involved) or won’t even bother cleaning up after themselves.

              • 44isnojoke

                I trust them, no holes in walls and whatnot. Maybe I’ll throw one in September.

    • MissRosé

      1*

  • BJenks

    That’s the best part of day parties, you get to have mad fun and get to bed at a good time. #GetYouAPartyThatCanDoBoth

    I’m not quite 30 yet but these days I’m already not recovering like I used to. I can’t be up all night without feeling it for the next two days. I’m usually ready to be home by 11. I hate staying out til like 2 or 3 these days, it feels like such a waste of time.

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      And it starts…..
      Wait until you hit 30. Sh*t is going to change. It will be like night and day.

    • miss t-lee

      “I’m not quite 30 yet but these days I’m already not recovering like I used to. ”

      Bless your heart.
      It sneaks up quickly…lol

      • BJenks

        lol and you know the funny thing is, it’s not necessarily because of the drank like I thought it would. I think it’s solely just because of sleep. This weekend I got lured into a brunch trap that turned into a day party situation. Got blackout drunk but went to bed at like 10:30, woke up feeling amazing. A few weeks ago I went out on a Saturday, didn’t drink at all but didn’t get home til like 4, was still tired on Monday.

        • miss t-lee

          Sleep is so important.

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    I’m the friend that always throws a party (game night, super bowl party, girl’s wine & cheese night, birthday party, all day BBQ). I enjoy entertaining folks. But I have never thrown a day party. **scratches chin** This is something I might have to look into.

    • MsSula

      Yeah I like a good party.

  • miss t-lee

    Girl…day parties are the shizz.
    I went to my first one down in the H about 10 years ago and was forever hooked.
    I can turn up, get considerably fat on free food, and full on reasonably priced drank. Dance my azz off, and be home at a reasonable hour? All over it like a cheap suit.

    • MsSula

      Remember the ones they had at SkyBar during the summer? It would start at like 1PM with Margaritas and DJs and BBQ. It was the party to be at every sunday. And then they started doing it everywhere.

      Day parties are where it’s at.

      • miss t-lee

        YESSSSS. Those were so fun!

  • Epsilonicus

    The only day parties I go to have people under the age of 10.

    I have a question. Is it transphobic to want someone to disclose if they are trans before you are romantically involved? I am asking because I legit don’t know the answer.

    • 44isnojoke

      No it is not. People love to steal other folks choices, and no just with trans people. Let me know what’s up so I can decide what EYE want to do!

      • THIS PART!!!
        Like accepting who you are and me fugging you- are totally unrelated.. FOH.

      • NonyaB?

        Speak ON it.

    • BrothasKeeper

      I don’t think it is, especially in this day and age. I want the opportunity to make a conscious decision, and it would be deceptive for someone to conceal that information.

      • Val

        Until a certain point it’s really none of anyone’s business. I mean, do people expect trans persons to spill their guts every time they meet a potential romantic partner? I think that’s asking a bit much.

        • BrothasKeeper

          But at least for me, I want a natural woman, not someone who decided to transition. I have absolutely NO problem with that, but it’s not for me.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          Especailly given the types of reactions once disclosed.

          • Transpeople should have safe spaces for that disclosure…. we, also have to be smart about this too…. I’m not saying disclose in the bar while a person is front of you.. but it’s easy to take a phone number- get to a safe space and when you talk to that person.. say, “Hey, it was nice meeting you… I would like to disclose blah blah blah..if you are cool with not.. great .. if not God bless you.. good night!”

            That’s not difficult…

            Male fragility is real.. We KNOW that so you have to be responsible for putting yourself in a safe situation until it is no longer an issue… Real talk- Black ciswomen don’t get that choice…

            • HouseOfBonnets

              While this would be ideal in a perfect world given the weekly reports of trans assault/murder that suggestion isn’t realy ideal especally with trans poc. A lot of the time it’s discoverd that victims are being seeked out on purpose (by attending common areas or dating sites for LGBTQ).

              I get it people should be informed before any further connection is made but at the same time given the current climate I understand why many delay that fact.

              Also while we (both cis and trans women) can take all of the prevenative steps to ensure safety…..we can still become victim to that same male fragility unfortuantely it happens everyday.

              • HouseOfBonnets

                I guess what i’m trying to say is i get both sides it’s just that this seeming ly simple solution of disclousure is easy to suggest but diffcult to carry out.

                Everyone can say what they will or won’t do until it actually happens.

                • It’s not though…You don’t give complete strangers your address. Vet folks up front… Use Google Talk… it’s like folks just want rsults without doing the work….

                  • Hammster

                    I just laughed at “have a weapon with you” but then thought of how serious and true that statement is.

              • The last part of what you said exists for everybody….The current climate sukks but to ask someone to take an L for that takes a lot of nerve … NORMAL (men without mental illness or lunatics) aren’t seeking out transwomen to date and murder.

            • NonyaB?

              Exactly. I say err on the side of early timing – if the other person’s the type that wouldn’t mind, then their finding out earlier makes no difference. If they would mind, then the sooner it’s communicated, the better. It shouldn’t be a problem if your safety means giving up on casual hookups (the prime context for when disclosure needs to be done hyper early). Why risk your safety by not being upfront as soon as possible? The only loss is the window of time where the other person may feel deceived because they got to know you more without being told something this important.

              • “It shouldn’t be a problem if your safety means giving up on casual hookups (the prime context for when disclosure needs to be done hyper early). ”

                The shyt that everybody seems to want to skirt around….

                • NonyaB?

                  Right? The core of the issue seems to be perceived right to continued access to such situations.

                  Imperfect analogy but as a female solo traveller, I accept my costs will always be higher because I refuse to skimp on accommodation. E.g. If street X in city Y has cheap housing but sketchy peeps and low but recent violent crime, I’m not interested in finding out whether the next rare crime will happen when I’m around, so, I’d go for street Z with its super safe + expensive hotels. It may mean shorter vacation or less money left but I’ll live with that or not go on that vacation.

                • NonyaB?

                  Right? The core of the issue seems to be the perceived right of access to such situations. Imperfect analogy: As a female solo traveller, I accept my costs will always be higher because I prioritize safety. E.g. if street X in city Y has cheap housing but sketchy peeps with lowish violent crime, I’m not interested in finding out whether the next crime will happen when I’m around, so, I’d go for street Z with its super safe + expensive hotels. It may mean shorter vacation or less money left but I’ll live with that or not go on that vacation.

                  Or if I had X non-visible disability that many don’t eff with, I’d rather disclose sooner to avoid reliving the rejection (and possible danger from violent reaction) when it comes out later.

            • Question

              This. Plus, isn’t it also in the best interest of the trans-person to disclose early, for their health and safety?

        • Yes. Especially because interest is typically based off of an aesthetic… You liked the way a person looked, etc. if you are talking to one another on a regular basis- HELLYES…That is a major part of who you are. I don’t want to date a transman. I don’t care if he looks like Ralph Angel.. there are certain things that cismen do that transmen will never be able to and I have the right to be able to choose that and at the same time there is a cis woman who may not give a damn but that’s her preogative to be able to CHOOSE to not care.

          Acceptance isn’t synonymous with being intimately connected. And honestly, Val… it’s a narrative that is being painted by many folks in the Black LGBTQ community ( I don’t worry about white folks).. often times by transwomen and gay men… That’s problematic as fukk and it’s beyond annoying to constantly be pegged as ” violent”, “transphobic”…etc… because you are simply asking to be given the option.

        • 44isnojoke

          That point would be defined by physical contact. You want to kiss? Then spill the beans! Yes we all have rights…its my right to know who I’m kissing. Whether you’re married, trans, or bi let me know.

        • miss t-lee

          Yeah, but as with anything there is a time and a place to disclose information to a potential partner.

        • Epsilonicus

          After thinking about this today, I’m leaning to before the first date when y’all are on that texting phase but haven’t gone on a date. That way you are safe.

          Everyone ain’t as chexually fluid and that’s fine. Let them make that decision.

          • Val

            Are you going to reveal the most intimate and private things about your life before a first date?

            • Epsilonicus

              I look at it as I’ll tell so I don’t waste my time with someone who may not be interested.

              • Val

                You didn’t answer my question.

                • Epsilonicus

                  Yes I would

            • Question

              Is it any different than revealing that you have a child? (Asking – I haven’t made up my own opinion yet)

              • Val

                I don’t see the equivalence. I think it’s more like telling everyone you meet that you had a birth defect, but it was corrected. I don;t think people normally do that. If it’s corrected why mention it?

                • Question

                  Ahh. I’m approaching it more from the importance of disclosure on the (pending) relationship, not the type of the decision….and maybe that’s a bad thing.

                  If I were dating, I’d disclose as early as possible that I have kids, because if you don’t want to date someone with kids than you (general) and I should stop ASAP. But in hiring our most recent nanny, she revealed she was really concerned about telling us about a health condition that she had, for fear of our perception and reaction. And maybe I’m looking at being trans all wrong and like you said, its more like her and her health condition, and less like my having kids.

                  Interesting.

    • miss t-lee

      It’s not transphobic at all.

      • Everything is transphobic if you don’t agree.. that’s the rhetoric and all it is doing is making people be like “fukkyou”.

        • miss t-lee

          I get this. Some folks are definitely like this.

        • That part. It’s frustrating.

    • Why is this hilarious?

      And hayle naw it ain’t! The PC Nazis are trying to get folks on to be like you should just accept it… UM NO. I think transpeople should disclose but from a place they are safe…. Ain’t nobody REQUIRED TO FUGG WITH YOU BECAUSE OF A CHANGE YOU MADE.

      • siante

        “PC Nazis” are a bit too much-_- . Pretty soon it will a crime punishable via the electric chair to ask someone if they are a man or a woman….

        • Right!!
          And stop trying to blur lines…I have my own opinions.. but I’ma keep them to myself. I have had my share of telling folks to KMA… I talk about that incident below.

          http://negrawithtumbao.com/2016/12/09/finding-intersectionality-self-centered-fresh-fux/

          • siante

            I would read, but I don’t speaka French :-(

            • There’s a translate button on the right side of the page.. I have international readers so sometimes it autotranslates…

          • siante

            nevamind- I figured out how to switch it–oooooh & you got some juicy stuff here- calling R-Kelly supporters “vile piece of sh*t @ss negroes” LOLOLOLOL! I’ve already saved this blog to my favs!

      • cakes_and_pies

        I have a friend who is very chex positive and the like and she shared an article about how trans people have NO obligation to ever tell a potential partner they are trans. No, sis. Just no.

        • NO obligation is correct but me thinking that they were a piece of shyt would be correct too.

          Some shyt you do..because it’s the right dayum thing to do. FOH

    • siante

      No. Everyone has a right to their own romantic preference.

    • Kat

      Is it creditphobic to only want to date those at 725 and higher. 850…is bae

      • Why wouldn’t somebody disclose that? Transitioning from one secks to another is way bigger than your credit. Especially when it comes to the biology of that transition… I’m not trying to get into a long drawn out discussion about it but all it’s deceptive to not disclose…I DO believe that transpeople should be safe especially when disclosing….

        • Kat

          Lot’s of reasons not to disclose on the first, second or even third date. Mainly because transwomen are being killed. Even when the person knew. It may surprise you the number of men/transwomen who are killed by their lovers because they couldn’t handle being gay or the acts involved.

          So many stories of casual hookups that lead to murder, rape..beatings. It’s real in these streets. My comment was in jest but the facts are the facts.

          • There is also a component that IS NOT mentioned which is a disservice to this discussion..There are many who were secks workers.. Secks workers, in general, are NOT safe… they put their lives in danger everytime that hookup occurs…. but we don’t mention that because it doesn’t go well with the narrative…

            I am not saying disclose.. in the middle of dinner… NO. Disclose from the comforts of your home and you don’t EVER have to see that person again …I don’t think that anybody here is saying put yourself in danger.. There is a way to go about everything…

            • Kat

              What narrative are we discussing? A general dating situation or a business transaction? My assumption was the first.

              In a dating situation, I wouldn’t disclose until I felt it was necessary and well before seck entered the picture. Again due to the very thing that I’m sure prompted his question. Lil Duval and Charlmagnetheidiot stating they would kill someone who told them they were trans. Why would that be your first response? Why is masculinity so fragile? That should be the question.

              And let’s take it even further, the same thing happens to women born women. Women are being murdered for the simple act of rejecting a random male on the street. Again, why is masculinity so fragile?

              Do we disclose STD’s on the first date? Do we tell about our mental health crisis from two years ago that is still front and center? Do we discuss that foreclosure notice that’s coming in the mail. Of course we don’t. We figure out first if this person is ready for this AND then we tell. I don’t see why this is any different. It’s not like us eating a bowl of rice at the same table gives you “the gay”.

              • Courtney Wheeler

                Lil Duval and Charlmagnetheidiot…

                As a woman..think about all the unwarranted attention you received from a man, all the times a man has lied about a serious situation only to serve his temporary needs…half of the male population would be dead.

                • Kat

                  Easily. Easily.

                • grownandsexy2

                  THIS!!!

              • Epsilonicus

                It’s not about the gay. It’s the fact you may not be as chexually fluid.

                • Kat

                  Maybe I need to redefine my definition of a date. Isn’t it an exploratory measure where we see if we are compatible? I didn’t realize it was us going to a bedroom or to the preacher.

                  Seckually fluid or not, I’ve went on plenty of dates with folks who initially didn’t interest me but by the third cup of coffee they had turned sort of cute and possibly sexy. The number of opposite of this dates I’ve been on could write its on book, folks be lying that’s all I’ma say. I’m not disclosing anything deep to me to anyone on the first date. I’m just not. Everyone isn’t worthy or capable.

                  Seriously adults need to adult better. A date is just a date. You should have plenty of them in your lifetime. If not #dobetter and quit thinking with the little man/woman below.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    Your chexual preference is more than just little man below though, right? At least that’s how I view sexual preference

                    • Kat

                      In this instance where we are discussing killing someone because they haven’t disclosed that they are trans on the first or second date before sex…then yes.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      No one talked about murder in this thread

                    • Kat

                      The entire discussion was based on the situation with Lil Duval and Charlamagnetheidiot on the Breakfast Club. Murder was mentioned.

                    • NonyaB?

                      I wasn’t aware of this; thought this entire discussion was based off Eps’ question.

                    • Kat

                      But where did his question come from? It stemmed from that incident and if I’m wrong I’ll happily step back.

                    • NonyaB?

                      Gotcha. Your comment is the first I’ve heard of that convo – will have to look it up.

              • Epsilonicus

                If someone had an STI, I need to know asap

                • Kat

                  Quit living in an imaginary bubble of life. Folks barely give you their real names these days.

                • Kat

                  Herpes, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are almost as common as colds these days. Ain’t nobody asking the real questions and I need adults to quite pretending that they are.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    You and your circle may not but when I was single I definitely asked

                    • Kat

                      Bruh STD’s been around since evah and gonna be here like the cockroach, eva. My circle of older lesbos asks, gets tested all that. Doesn’t and hasnt stopped the STD cockroach.

                  • I know folks who go get tested and require CBOH in order to date.. I thought that was a requirement.

                    • Kat

                      In my opinion I think it’s something folks say to appear adult. Otherwise the spread of STD’s wouldn’t be occurring.

              • I think we are saying the same thing in essence…. male fragility has created situations of danger…THAT SHOULD BE ADDRESSED but until it is…. we should keep ourselves safe as possible..

                Equating purchases to this is apples and oranges..come on now… and yes STD’s should be disclosed… You see Usher, right? lol

                Now Lil Duval’s comment was some bs and I wouldn’t be mad if a transwoman kicked his ayus in a dark alley….

              • Tricking a straight man into being intimate with a biological male is tantamount to rape. As such it is going to excite some pretty strong and negative emotions. It has nothing to do with any “fragile masculinity”. It’s similar to a man who removes protection during intimacy with a woman without telling that woman.

                In both situations someone is being untruthful and making decisions for their partner without asking. That’s wrong. And people can get hurt behind that sort of nonsense.

                Be honest and upfront and let potential partners make their own decisions. Doing otherwise is scandalous.

          • Question

            Isn’t that more reason to disclose early (your reference to people being killed)?

            • Kat

              Why would you kill someone though?

              • Question

                I’m confused. Why are we talking about me killing someone?

                • Kat

                  I’m not repeating. Read up or not

                  • Question

                    No thanks. Carry on.

      • miss t-lee

        I can’t breathe.

        • Kat

          I’m trying to retire early… My friend told me last night that my brain is on scheme. I was like naw I’m just off of this 9 to 5 slave track.

          • miss t-lee

            I understand sis. Trust.

      • NonyaB?
    • BJenks

      It is not at all. If this is stemming from the Lil Duval comments from last week, of course the way he went about it was all wrong. But I think everybody has a right to know. That’s a pretty important part of your life to keep from someone when you first start talking to them. Maybe not on the same level but to me it’s like not telling someone you have kids or you’re still married but separated.

    • No. People have a right to their preferences and to honest information and actions.

    • Ess da 5’6″

      Romantically involved as in having chex? Then, yes, that should be disclosed. But, does one have to disclose it on the first date? Disclose it at the day party while swapping phone numbers? I don’t think so.

      If a transwoman or a transman decides to discuss that they are trans on the first date (or at the day party while swapping phone numbers lol), more power to her or to him. However, if that first date leads to a second and the second to a third, I’d think by then it would be important to disclose.

      • Epsilonicus

        I’m thinking before chex happens. Even when wanting to go out on dates

        • Ess da 5’6″

          I’mma say issa no for me. Like, you chatting and whatnot at the day party, and the expectation is that the person says, “Just so you know–I’m trans”?

          Like I said, if he or she wants to disclose it during that very early chat, more power. But I don’t think there should be expectations that they say anything at that point.

          This is not the best analogy, but I’m struggling to come up with one lol. In any case, would folks expect someone to disclose if they have an STI or HIV while chatting and flirting at the day party? Or is it more imperative to disclose it when you see that things are moving toward chex?

          • HouseOfBonnets

            you see usher out here being a whole undercover cootee.

          • Yeah… if you are chatting at a bar… NAW.. that’s not a good situation…

            • Epsilonicus

              And why waste your time with someone who ain’t down. Find out quickly so you can find someone with that preference

          • NonyaB?

            Maybe not on very first meeting but asap. It’s more imperative to disclose it when things are moving toward more involvement (s•x or not) because everybody timeline for smanging is different and the act is not the determiner of considering people as dating/becoming a couple.

        • Val

          So, every time a transperson is asked on a date they have to disclose that they are trans?

      • Courtney Wheeler

        A couple years back I met a man at a party who asked me out. I thought he was nice enough so we went out a couple of times. Then one night while we were out he confessed that he was having issues with his sexuality. He likes girls but never felt comfortable with being a man. Long story short..he came out to me trans, but would like to continue dating. I had mixed feelings about the situation. I’m thinking to myself why wait so long to tell me? I was mad…then i took myself out of the equation…I stepped out of my feelings and thought. “Man that must of been hard to tell me…he literally felt like he was not meant to be in his own body his entire life”

        In conclusion we remained good friends.tried to support her anyway I could..then later on she committed suicide. Too much rejection.

        I don’t stand for this idea that a man feels he has a right to put his hands on someone because he felt “lied too” If you prefer to be with a cis-woman then fine. But there definitely needs to be an open and honest conversation. Doubt it would be at a day party though.

        • miss t-lee

          Your last paragraph–exactly.

          Like 10 plus years ago I worked with someone who was transitioning. I’m not sure she told everyone at work, but she did tell me. We were cool work friends, and I feel like she trusted me enough to let me know. The only place that she wasn’t living as a woman was at the job. We’ve lost touch, but I still think about her from time to time and hope she is ok and was finally able to live her life completely.

    • NonyaB?

      No, it’s not. You have the right to know things you feel are crucial aspects of any potential partner before tangling. Your right to know should NOT be superceded by another’s comfort level displayed as lying/omission of said info.

  • BrothasKeeper

    I associate day parties with CIAA, mostly. I taught at an inner-city school, so 80% of the faculty was out from Thursday to Monday, confirming the mistake I made in attending a a PWI. I went to one in my whole entire life, and it was just like a nightclub, except in the daytime, and I don’t like clubs.

    • Boooooooooooooooo… we gotta get you to the right day party!

      • BrothasKeeper

        Only if you’ll be my date.

        • What shall I wear? :-)

          • BrothasKeeper

            Something that says, “you wish you could, but you can’t”.

            • NonyaB?

              Enregistrez avec des photos, s’il vous plaît! Pour les gens.

    • miss t-lee

      You’re in the H and you ain’t doing day parties?
      C’mon dawg.

      • BrothasKeeper

        *hangs head in shame*

        • miss t-lee

          Gotta get you out.

          • MsSula

            He is waiting on @NegraWithTumbao:disqus to come down before he starts going out. *snickers*

            • miss t-lee

              Probably!

            • @MsSula:disqus, HOEMAHGAWD!!!!! *I am literally blushing* Well, I’ve never been to Houston and I have some new dresses that I’d love to wear out but I think @brothaskeeper:disqus is just yanking my chain… I gave him the go ahead and NADA.

              https://media.giphy.com/media/SR6glfjFVIPIY/giphy.gif

              • MsSula

                @BrothasKeeper…. Maaaaan!!!

      • MsSula

        I was about ta say! The H invented the day party.

        • miss t-lee

          I’m tryna tell him girl…

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    I remember going to the Caribbean Day Parade in NYC a few years ago. I think Elephant Man was a big hit at the time. All I remember was that I was white girl wasted at like 1:00pm in the afternoon. I normally associate getting wasted with nighttime activities, but to be drunk while the sun is beaming? It was such a weird feeling for me.

    • Your melanin was like… OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        Girl! Yes! lol

  • I think day parties are so grown and sessy!! But I’m only talking about the ones where people actually dance and shyt…. Where the party is hood and bougie at the same time and they have bomb chicken wings with sessy cokktails like Nefertiti’s Nectar and Bad and Bougie. ( EVERYBODY IS DRESSED TO THE NINES BUT THEY ARE SWEATY FROM GIGGING)..

    On the flip side, bourgeois day parties are THE WORST…like they have fugging brie cheese wrapped in 20 year aged- prosciutto with $50 olives attached and NO CRACKERS. And nobody wants to sweat out their Balmain digs because who actually dances at a party with music? Oh and everybody is wearing sunglasses and Giuseppe Zanotti’s because Louboutin’s are NOW gauche.

    But I’m glad you had fun, sis! <3

    • miss t-lee

      True facts.
      All days parties are not the same, gotta know your crowd beforehand to ensure a good time.

      • Girl!

        • miss t-lee

          Can’t stand being at a party where folks are too cool to have fun.
          I’d rather stay home.

    • Jae Starz

      YES! Hood and bougie for the win!

      • Yaaaaaaas!! I walk in a stunner and leave with my hair in a bun!! THOSE ARE THE BEST!! And I done took off my shoes!

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      WORD. It ain’t a party of you’re not dancing, it is a social gathering.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Sounds like dc

      • The first party or the second party? lol

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          The bourgie one.
          The night parties are anti dancing, at least based on my Southern and Caribbean experiences.

          • Right.. Like how do you hear Chubb Rock and NOT dance? Or even Buju Banton? dafukk?

            • miss t-lee

              Just dead inside.

      • PinkRose

        Yep see my post above.

    • Hugh Akston

      Anti dancing parties is always a phenomenon

      A good friend is a dj and I’ve seen just about all kind of parties and most people there just stare at each other

      Hence why I always try to find me a Latin club and I just discovered a new spot…I would say about 95% of the people are always moving and it’s much easier to dance with someone doing the bachata or salsa than simply your grinding

    • PinkRose

      Bourgeois parties are the WORST no matter what time of day it is!

      I went to one in PG county for New Year’s many years back and I knew I was in a socially deranged space when the woman who checked my coat, looked at the label before she hung it up. NO ONE danced and the convo centered around vacations to Europe and private schools.

      Never been so bored in my ENTIRE life! The EtOH was top shelf tho!

      • it had better been top shelf..shyt.. you were tortured.

        • PinkRose

          Man, I don’t have words. No dancing (except me) and boring conversation.

    • La Bandita

      Yes, exactly the day parties I love.

  • garrison m

    this spoke to my heart. i just had my group of friends come out for one friends birthday this weekend. We spent three days chillin, drinkin, spades-in, sitting by the pool (that i’ve never been to), and in the birthday girls case watching netflix and sleeping off a hangover. It was A BLAST! i feel that sometimes you just need longform version of friend time and it can right all wrongs. It only needs to be one or two friends but it does a world of good.

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