Lists, Theory & Essay

I Think You Just Went Too Far.

My current favorite commercials are by Bud Light where they attempt to display just how perfect Bud Light through the extremes of various daily activities. The one with the driving dog is hands down my favorite but only because I swear I saw Tupac driving down Central Avenue in Maryland one day.

Makes no sense, does it? Aw shuga no no no.

Well those commercials got me to thinking about other areas of life where people just might take things too far. Relationships, for instance. In every relationship, there are tests. The tests vary; some are for endurance, others are for sanity and peace of mind, which comes with every piece of the rock.

Prudential.

While these tests exist and will exist as long as man dangles, and patience is a virtue, everybody has a breaking point. I mean we all get pissed for things. But there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. And in the spirit of my good friends at Bud Light and their comical depiction of the medium, allow me to bump that up two sizes to XL. Basically, let’s look at some situations that might piss you off but you’ll learn to deal with and then the point where they’ve crossed the line. This is educational, kiddies. Pull out the trusty #2, take notes, and shut the f*ck up while Professor Panama is speaking. Did Panama just go too f*cking far?

Possibly. But f*ck your couch. He’s sexxy. This is what he does.

FOLLOW ME.

1) Sex Tape

Not Happy – After 3 months of dating and boinking, you find out that you’ve been taped on nearly every romp in the sack, including the time you sang the theme song from Pirates of Penzance off key while wearing a checkered table cloth and some tassles.

Crossed The Line – You find out that you’ve been taped by Googling yourself and finding your videos on youtube and you’re not even one of the most viewed videos.

2) A Little Physical Violence

Not Happy – Amidst an argument, you get slapped upside the back of your head, with people watching. You might be pissed as all hell, but you ain’t exactly gonna break up with them because of a little head slap.

Crossed The Line – Amidst an argument, you get hit with THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW. That’s grounds for dismissal and an all out air assault on their assesses.

3) Tattoo

Not Happy – You wake up in the morning to find out that your girl has placed a 4-day temporary tattoo of her name across your forehead and she thinks its a hilarious joke. Not that I’d suggest this for real, but you should kick her down the stairs.

Crossed The Line – You wake up to realize that you have your bf/gf’s name tatted across your abdomen in Sanskrit because they took you out and got you drunk enough that you thought it wasn’t a bad idea because, you know, you’re in love and sh*t.

4) Nudity

Not Happy – Your girl walks around nude all the time despite your please to put those puppies away because if they start hanging any lower, you’ll have to enter them into a Ludacris “How Low Can You Go”  contest with the Twerk Team. (NSFW…you’re welcome).

Crossed The Line – Your girl walks around nude WHEN YOUR BOYS ARE THERE. You have to drop her dunny. I mean really, you can’t just play that sh*t off like, “yo, ignore her, B. She’s just looking for attention.” Mission accomplished. You can’t even be mad at your boys either. I’ve seen dudes stare at nude crackheads. There’s something about Mary nudity.

5) Little white lies

Not Happy – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to the opera. Talk about a blower. And not a good one either. Not that I don’t have an appreciation for opera…oh wait, Panama TOTALLY doesn’t give a sh*t about opera.

Crossed The Line – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to Maury Povich to tell you that you might not be the father of your child. Somebody might have to die. Seriously, can you imagine that shock? How pissed would you be if you ended up on THAT show? Or Jerry Springer?

So good people of VSB, what crosses the line for you?

And remember, it’s Friday, let’s have fun. Be sexxy like Panama.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • eff yo couch

    Thanks for the shout out Panama … I feel special & sh*t

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @eff yo couch, i feel as if that statement needs to be made at least twice a day to keep people honest.

  • legitimate_soul

    *Crackin up at the Peoples elbow reference….The Rock was a hilarious and charismatic wrestler*

    Funny you should ask this because something weird that crossed the line for me happened today. A small asian guy walks up to me, as I was walking to my car after work. He pays me a great compliment , I tell him thank you, and then proceeds to look me up and down, stare at my shoes (in boots, it’s cold and rainy), and tell me I would love to kiss your feet and I love “large” black women. Something that started off very flattering got really weird. Umm, and let’s not confuse “tall” with “large”, buddy! My response as I switched directions to my car was “Okay, you have a good one!” Going into fetish mode was too far and crossed the line.

    • legitimate_soul

      @legitimate_soul,

      I wasn’t gonna holler and I never stopped walking, we was walking with me on my side. No reason to be rude or crass to a nice compliment. But a compliment went really weird in less than 3 seconds.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @legitimate_soul, so you’re saying you didn’t want him to lick your toes?

      • legitimate_soul

        @Panama Jackson,

        *cringing* NO.

    • miss t-lee

      @legitimate_soul,
      This is hilarious!!!!

    • Shay

      @legitimate_soul,

      Promise you he’s not representative of us Asian folks.

      • legitimate_soul

        @Shay,

        I know :)

  • SuperDee

    YES! The People’s Elbow! What happened to the rock? He and Ice-Cube are now so children’s movie friendly.. *sigh*

    ANYWAY. I Love this post. Hilarious.

    You’ve taken it too far when..
    … your significant other takes you on Maury to tell you that he/she was actually born a she/he.. In fact, anything of this sort. If you come home and you find him in your panties, or if she’s decked out in your gym wear with a sock in your jock-strap. Reconsider.
    … if he/she has a crazed ex. Not just the kind that calls frequently.. but the kind that looks in the window, with a deep longing stare and a shank.
    …they have a huge gambling problem. Those lotto tickets aren’t so cute anymore… and your car is missing.

    Thats all I can add..lol
    -Dee.

    • miss t-lee

      @SuperDee,
      “YES! The People’s Elbow! What happened to the rock?”

      I know! That makes me sad. I giggled loudly when I read “People’s elbow”…mayne that was my ninja!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @SuperDee, your significant other takes you on Maury to tell you that he/she was actually born a she/he..

      i think being taken on Maury by itself is grounds for a breakup. Even if you’re just a guest. The fact that you got pulled into nationwide drama is grounds for a murder beef.

      Going on a daytime talk show of the Maury/Jerry variety is definitely a low point in one’s life.

      Also, if you were to hear that Maury offed himself b/c he just couldnt take it anymore, would you be surprised?

    • http://www.facebook.com/datfya BigBuck

      @SuperDee, The Rock was killed by his evil and much smaller doppleganger Dwayne Johnson.

    • Deviant

      @SuperDee,

      “YES! The People’s Elbow! What happened to the rock?”

      he had kids and wanted to make movies his kids can watch

    • MizzouLegend

      @SuperDee,

      I once heard about a guy getting 65 phone calls between 2-3:45am on a Sunday morning. Followed by a knock on his back door by said caller who had to have scaled an 8ft rot iron fence in heels during a Chicago winter.

  • Acacia

    1. Messing with my $: I can shrug off a couple dollars b/w friends; typically, I don’t even really care if I get that back because I figure I’ll bum a couple bucks from you at some point too. But when it gets to the point where the loans are adding up, I’m calculating how many meals you’re essentially hijacking from me, and I have to start coming at you like a rabid crackhead for my money, heffa–we have a problem.

    2. Grinding etiquette: a chick knows that a randy male may interrupt her 2 step at any time and proceed to rythmically maul her (which may be less/more offensive depending on the qualities of the offender and the blood alcohol content of the victim) and that’s whatever. But when a stranger injects any bodily fluids into the equation, all bets are off *shudders*.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Acacia, 2. Grinding etiquette: a chick knows that a randy male may interrupt her 2 step at any time and proceed to rythmically maul her (which may be less/more offensive depending on the qualities of the offender and the blood alcohol content of the victim) and that’s whatever. But when a stranger injects any bodily fluids into the equation, all bets are off *shudders*.

      i’m not afraid to say that this entire paragraph confused the living hell out of me.

      can i get a re-explanation?

      • La Bakir

        @Panama Jackson, Hmmm…I gather that they are saying it’s one thing for a man to grind/dance on a female…another if he busts a nut while doing so

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @La Bakir, aww….well now that makes sense.

          i was all lost.

        • http://wheresana.blogspot.com/ Intellectual Hedonist

          @La Bakir, thank you for the clarification cause clearly I was sitting next to Panama on that one

          • La Bakir

            @Intellectual Hedonist, No prob…I try :)

        • Deviant

          @La Bakir,

          u can buss off from this? maybe I dont dance enuff

          • La Bakir

            @Deviant, Now, I don’t know about all of that. I was just trying to make sense of the post. Using context clues…the only bodily fluid I came up w/ was jizz. Unless of course she was speaking of sweat *kanye shrug*

  • Made In Hawaii

    Not Happy- While gettin it in, he asks you to describe the other female that would join ya’ll if you actually would allow it one day and when he busts, he calls out “her” name! WTF??!

    Crossed the Line- You walk in on him w/ a Tomika Skanes look-a-like and he says, “Hey babycakes, Look… I found our girl! :)”
    Well… maybe not.

    3) Tattoo
    Not Happy – You wake up in the morning to find out that your girl has placed a 4-day temporary tattoo of her name across your forehead and she thinks its a hilarious joke.

    ^^^ This sooooo something I would do! LOL!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Made In Hawaii, Not Happy- While gettin it in, he asks you to describe the other female that would join ya’ll if you actually would allow it one day and when he busts, he calls out “her” name! WTF??!

      Crossed the Line- You walk in on him w/ a Tomika Skanes look-a-like and he says, “Hey babycakes, Look… I found our girl! ”
      Well… maybe not.

      that crosses the line? he did all the work for you!

      • Made In Hawaii

        @Panama Jackson,

        Dude wasn’t ever given permission to have another chick join in, only in the imagination- for play-play. Sooooo, he CROSSED THE DAMN LINE….

  • legitimate_soul

    1. A person choosing to view porn all the time instead of doing the grown up themselves when given the opportunity crosses the line.

    2. Skidmarks in draws drawers crosses the line.

    3. My very young nephew telling me I should by him a second version of something I already bought him crosses the line.

    4. A guest in your home asking to use the bathroom, but detouring into your bedroom and getting in your stuff crosses the line.

    5. Neighbors blasting music too early on an awful azz sound system playing wack azz ‘ish crosses the line. If you gone wake me up at 3am, have it be quality!

    6. Anyone fronting like they in a sorority or fraternity and reppin’ it, wearing ‘nalia, and other out of pocket behavior when they are not part of said fraternity/sorority is crossing the line. Anyone fronting like the part of ANY group and they aren’t are crossing the line.

    7. Transexuals being physical (kissing, hugging, groping) without telling the guy he foolin’ with that he was born physically as a man crosses the line. I support you/them being true to yourself/themselves, but allow people a choice. Plus, that is dangerous.

    8. Gas prices still being high crosses the line.

    9. You homegirl asking to wear your new cute shoes before you even had the chance crosses the line.

    10. Folks asking if you are gonna eat something on your plate while they already touched the food in question or are reaching for it before you even got a chance to answer is crossing the line.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @legitimate_soul, 6. Anyone fronting like they in a sorority or fraternity and reppin’ it, wearing ‘nalia, and other out of pocket behavior when they are not part of said fraternity/sorority is crossing the line. Anyone fronting like the part of ANY group and they aren’t are crossing the line.

      i hear people talk about this, but short of the homeless AKA guy that i know, i’ve never seen this in real life. is this like a unicorn?

      • Caballeroso

        @Panama Jackson, A male 2520 waiter at TGIF in Kansas City, Mo (circa 1997) was sporting flair that included a Zeta Phi Beta cap. I called him over to inform him that that probably won’t go over well if a Zeta or even a Sigma member sees him. He responds “Oh, it’s no big deal. I bought it.”

        Ten minutes later there’s an irrate customer, a frustrated manager, and a waiter removing his hat at a table behind me. I tried to tole ‘em.

      • legitimate_soul

        @Panama Jackson,

        Nah, not a unicorn. I have seen people get their hand slapped for trying to throw up a hand signal, get checked for trying to put on a jacket, and get ran out a club for trying to act like they were in a group when someone else familiar with the offender outted them as a pepetrator. Some checks have been loving, some not so much. Guys tend to be way more uh, physical.

        Some of my Sorors nicely approached a father who thought he just grabbed a clean t-shirt in a drawer and accidentally put on his daughters shirt. I think they bought him another shirt to put on.

        • legitimate_soul

          @legitimate_soul,

          Oh, and don’t drink out of the cups either, if that ain’t you. Grab another glass.

    • Kirk Lazarus

      @legitimate_soul, – 1. A person choosing to view porn all the time instead of doing the grown up themselves when given the opportunity crosses the line.

      I actually got a homeboy who pull this stunt with his girlfriend! He will actually do it right before she come just so he aint gotta deal with her!

  • P.

    “Not that I’d suggest this for real, but you should kick her down the stairs.”

    If my girl did some mess like that to me, I’d suggest it for real. Right after I heeded my own advice.

    • Yeah…SO?!

      @P., whatever, that isht is funny!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @P., just make sure nobody sees you do it. or they can’t remember your shoes when they wake up.

  • london

    ugh….getting all up in my peeps…
    trying to have private phone conversations with my long standing friends…
    wanting to ring them in order to hang with them if i am busy because they are so much fun.. they hit the right clubs.. etc etc…
    trying to use my contacts for personal gain…
    nope.. nope.. nope…
    leave my life alone….
    i never divulge details without asking first.. my friends know this…
    it’s such a handy control mechanism.. not to mention just damned good manners..
    i called my friend before giving her number to my own brother… yup!
    they’ll tell me anyways..
    as in wtf..? so and so rang me a minute ago….
    how’d so and so get my number??
    my life is no secret but it’s not a free for all either….
    all hell has and will break loose…
    they are guilty as charged of theft and snooping…
    unforgivable…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @london, yeah, what you said.

      • Smiley Face

        @Panama Jackson, LMAO!!!!

  • bajanflchick

    Not Happy- the man you’ve been dating tells you that his is leaving his wife and doesn’t, you say “that’s ok boo , i can deal with it cause this ISH we got poppin in the bedroom, I just can’t live without”

    *Too-Far- You put up a bunch of billboards showing the world(ok maybe not the world, but in too many dayum places ..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wUvyKnZWKk

    *OK-she may have gone too far, but you really gotta giver her her props for creativity….HELL HATH NO FURY * Kanye Shrugs

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @bajanflchick, Not Happy- the man you’ve been dating tells you that his is leaving his wife and doesn’t, you say “that’s ok boo , i can deal with it cause this ISH we got poppin in the bedroom, I just can’t live without”

      *Too-Far- You put up a bunch of billboards showing the world(ok maybe not the world, but in too many dayum places ..

      right that sh*t was so ingenious i’m slightly envious of her evil, resources, and moxie.

    • Dee

      @bajanflchick, yeah, homegirl went HARD. I do think he lied to her, though.

    • Sula

      @bajanflchick,

      Well, problem is, she is the only one left to pay for it. He didn’t lose his jobs (folks at Oracle couldn’t care less) and he was already divorcing his wife… So there, her batsh*t craziness served the only purpose of exposing the batsh*t craziness…

      Besides, you dated a MARRIED for 8 years, what did you expect? *smh*

      • miss t-lee

        @Sula,
        *waving hey girl*

        100% co-sign.

      • http://wheresana.blogspot.com/ Intellectual Hedonist

        @Sula, yeah I have to agree I felt not a morsel of pity for her. I mean really ole girl was in it for the long haul with a married man.

        But I will say her payback was ingenious, she gets applause for that; kind of like John Edwards former aid, he is getting it in with a tell all book and has all kinds of evidence (videos, audio tape, receipts)

        • miss t-lee

          @Intellectual Hedonist,
          “John Edwards former aid, he is getting it in with a tell all book and has all kinds of evidence (videos, audio tape, receipts)”

          I’m totally looking forward to his 20/20 interview!

          • http://wheresana.blogspot.com/ Intellectual Hedonist

            @miss t-lee, oooh me too, Im a be sittin in front of tv with a bag of popcorn and raisenettes

        • Sula

          @Intellectual Hedonist,

          But I will say her payback was ingenious,

          Definitely ingenious… but expensive as all hell! :)

  • http://crapialwaysnotice.blogspot.com Jade (not a prOn) Star

    One thing that REALLY crosses the line for me is when dealing with the public. I don’t know if this is a gender thing or what. I’ve noticed that when men speak to other men, they maintain arms length distance, when they talk to women however, they’re damn near sitting on your shoulders. I can’t count the number of times when strange men have encountered me on the street and feel the need to be SO damn close that they can see my pores! That’s just freaking annoying! I usually wind up taking two steps back and saying that they don’t have to be that close to talk to me, I’m fat, not deaf. Damn!

    • bajanflchick

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star, @I’m fat, not deaf. Damn!

      HIGH-larious

      • Heavanly1

        @bajanflchick,

        Oh, I so agree!!

        I had this fool run up on me in the grocery store telling me I had something on my shoulder and asking me if he could remove it. I looked down and don’t see a damn thing. So he proceeds to pick off a tiny piece of lent off my sleeve.

        Ninja, did you just touch me??!!! I know you did not see that minute speck unless you have Spidey-vision!!!

        He then proceeds to ask me if I live in the area; I tell him not too far. He ask me if I live in a house or an apartment. I tell him I live in an apartment. He then ask me which apartments. Me: *Blank stare*.

        Ninja… I do not know you!!! Of course he follows this all up by asking me for my number.

        That would be a no!!! Now step two feet back and remove yourself from my personal space!!!

    • miss t-lee

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star,
      “I’m fat, not deaf”

      I want this…on a shirt, like now. :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Jade (not a prOn) Star, i think its an opposite sex thing too. b/c i’ve had more than enough woman invading my personal space like they’re France and its the early 1800s.

      and white people dont do personal space either.

      • http://www.missqueentri@blogspot.com missqueentri

        @Panama Jackson
        they definitely don’t. and then proceed to talk all loud and excited and almost smack you in the face with their flailing arms