I’m Suffering From “Every Time I Hear ‘First Lady’ I Think ‘Michelle Obama’ Even Though She Aint It Anymore” Syndrome » VSB

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I’m Suffering From “Every Time I Hear ‘First Lady’ I Think ‘Michelle Obama’ Even Though She Aint It Anymore” Syndrome

I’ve accepted, grudgingly, that empty Miracle Whip jar filled with dead maggots with sentience Donald Trump is President of the United States. It’s a reality both horrifying (for obvious reasons) and validating, as his ascent and the support that allowed him to ascend is the best possible verification that America desperately wants to be Crash but is actually the first hour of Get Out. As much as I hate that he’s our President, I enjoy that he’s made our nation butt-ass fucking naked.

That said, I still haven’t yet fully processed and accepted that Michelle Obama is no longer the First Lady. And I know I haven’t fully processed and accepted this because whenever I hear any reference to the First Lady or FLOTUS, I still think of Michelle Obama. Like, earlier this week, when I saw headlines about the First Lady reading Dr. Seuss to kids, I thought “Man, I’d love to read Dr. Seuss books with Michelle Obama. And not as a kid. But, like, right now.” But then I clicked on one of the articles and was like “Who is this woman? This is not my First Lady.” I felt a little dizzy, and wondered if instead of clicking on that link, I’d somehow turned to QVC because the woman they’re saying is the First Lady looks like she should be selling Dyson Supersonic Hair Dryers for 40% off instead of pretending to be the First Lady. And then I remembered that Michelle Obama is no longer the First Lady. And then I got really sad and hungry for some green eggs and ham.

I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually. But I don’t want to.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • MoBell
  • Michelle is too amazing, too big for politics. I honestly think she hated being first lady. Which is probably why she was the best fucking ever, and we’re all chanting MICHELLE 2020.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Which I hope she doesn’t feel forced to do because she’s made it obvious she doesn’t want it.

      • Oh, I don’t think she would do it. She’s too smart.

      • UrbanNortheast

        I would be completely shocked if she did. She’s said publicly many times that she doesn’t want to, and will not, do it. Barack has said that she doesn’t want to do it. I think she’s really eager to do her own thing outside of the shadow of her husband’s presidency (and I think Barack knows that and will support her). In that Oprah interview O asked if there were conversations within the party about Michelle running, and Michelle was like “I mean, THEY might be having conversations, but [shrug].” And honestly, I wish we’d get off that train. I think our energy is better spent finding and building up a candidate who WANTS the job, would be good at it, and can beat 45, rather than trying to convince Michelle that she wants the job.

        • fedup

          Thank you!!!!!

        • Mary Burrell

          Yes to all of that

        • HouseOfBonnets

          All of this.

        • Junegirl627

          She was photographed coming out of soul cycle. She aint coming back

          • Nik White

            Livin her life like its golden.

    • A.G.

      You think she hated it? Even with all the money/perks/notoriety that come with it?

      • Yeah, I do. I think the stress of it outweighed the perks. Imagine worrying about your family nonstop because they are constantly in the spotlight, and so hated for being black. I would have to be on Valium for 8 years.

        • LMNOP

          Hate might be too strong a word, she used her platform to advocate for causes that are important to her, and was able to do positive things in the world. And she handled what I’m sure was a challenging situation with amazing grace.

          • You’re probably right, hate is too strong a word. I definitely think she’s relieved it’s over, though.

            • UrbanNortheast

              I think hate is probably too strong a word, but I don’t think she was particularly excited about it. I wouldn’t be either. I say all the time that I want to be wealthy but I have zero interest in fame. Being the first Black FLOTUS is a different kind of famous – and she will never get anonymity back again, ever. Barack said that Michelle would divorce him if he ran for a third term (if such a thing were possible). I think I remember a birthday tweet from Barack where he said something like “You took a role you didn’t want and made it your own.”I think she did as much with the role as she possibly could, but there’s still a ton of stuff the FLOTUS has to do that I’m guessing she had no interest in.

              She also joked-but-not-really about not getting paid and being jealous that Jill Biden had a “real job.” I loved her as FLOTUS but I can’t wait to see what she does next now that she’s not constricted by FLOTUS obligations.

      • LMNOP

        I bet she had mixed feelings about it, like most people would. There are perks, obviously, you have a platform, power and influence, but you lose privacy, and have a lot of ugliness directed at you and your family.

        Things that don’t even seem all that great when you have them (like going grocery shopping anonymously) are probably hard to get used to never being able to do again.

      • Question

        Absolutely. First lady is a job that you never applied for. Sure it has its perks – but those perks come with a downside. As a mother, can you imagine how hard it was raising level headed teenaged daughters in this political climate?

        Coming home and realizing you’ve got to host the Indonesian Prime Minister and his wife for dinner and have small talk you can barely understand? Hitting the campaign trail and having to give speeches you aren’t in the mood for? 30,548,487,587 following you around when you try and do anything?

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          But she’s married D.T. And he’s been toying with politics since the 80s. Ain’t nothing new about him.

          • Question

            I was talking about Michelle Obama. And I think generally speaking, First Lady is not a position/role that one can prepare for….nor do I think its something that most women would enjoy, despite the perks.

            Its an “honor” and a “privilege”… that I wouldn’t want.

            • TheUnsungStoryteller

              Oh..my bad. I agree to a certain extent. But…I think that it fitted into what Michelle Obama was passionate about – which was community building. And she was able to do that.

      • NonyaB?

        Though she left her mark, I’m pretty sure no job is worth the sheer amount of disrespect she and her family were constantly subject to. Especially with her zero paycheck (only Obama’s position is paid). Plus, she wasn’t a nobody to start with: She’d already experienced money/perks/notoriety (albeit at a different level) as a high powered lawyer before this.

      • Gibbous

        One of the things she said she missed was riding in a car with the windows down. Can you imagine the type of security that stifles a normal life? Considering she never asked for it, I’m guessing she just tolerated it for POTUS.

    • NonyaB?

      Yeah, US peeps calling for Michelle to run reflects a laziness to find and cultivate new candidates. Plus, seems they’re missing having someone to boost then drag down. Even if said out of admiration, the suggestion is ultimately an insult to her because it implies she’s so blind/stupid that she didn’t notice the massive disrespect her family has gotten since 2008, must be a masøchist that wants more of it and knows in her Black woman labour mule heart that it’s her job to save the nation. To all of which one must say, GTEFOHWTBS.

      • Mary Burrell

        Exactly, when i see Michelle 2020 that just gets my hackles up. Knowing what that woman had to go through for eight years. Why would she want to go through that again.

      • Tam

        What is ironic is that both of these accomplished polished beautiful individuals have been referred to as mooches and welfare king and queen when by the stereotypical definition the current occupants would fit the profile

        • Mary Burrell

          If these accomplished individuals are unacceptable then no accomplished black person is good enough for white America.

          • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

            Uh duh

  • HouseOfBonnets

    Melania being flotus is the equivalent of opening up a variety mix bag of candy and finding nothing but yellow starburst with some stale salt water taffy.

    Pure disappointment all around.

    • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

      She is the braised kale version of Big Mama’s greens.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        I hate kale.

        • K.D. Andrews

          Kale is the food version of Taylor Swift

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            Basically.

    • LMNOP

      This change in FLOTUSes is like trading in some delicious high-quality chocolate truffles for smarties.

      • fedup

        Yes my bag o’ sads would be filled with smarties. And Good N’ Plenty

      • BenDover

        Please let us not speak ill of smarties :(

        • Looking4Treble

          And I like Good N’ Plenties, Fed. But understand the bag o’ sads nonetheless.

    • Question

      Candy corns and tootsie rolls (the ones from 1987).

      • LMNOP

        Yes, she is a candy corns and peeps of an excuse for a First Lady.

        Leave tootsie rolls out of this though.

        • Question

          See but you went and knocked my Smarties. Can a girl have her food-coloring + stale sugar tablets please?

          • LMNOP

            Yeah, you can have all the smarties lol.

            • Question

              Fair enough – I’ll give you the tootsies.

          • Mary Burrell

            Smarties are not too bad I prefer Sweet Tarts instead.

        • Mary Burrell

          Peeps are just disgusting that serve no purpose for anything. I thing it’s funny comparing Melania to Peeps and other worthless things.

        • Mary Burrell

          I love Tootsie Rolls

    • Tam

      An account of her reading was not too kind. But she is fake too so what do you expect. High fructose corn syrup

    • BrothasKeeper

      HOTUS is some old melted butterscotch candies clumped together.

      • Tam

        Grandma church bag candies that have been there for 2 years

        • Mary Burrell

          That’s too funny

      • Mary Burrell

        Cackling @ HOTUS

      • Nik White

        HOTUS? Heh!

  • Cheech

    Me too!

  • TD

    I was posting an article about her last night and automatically started to write “FLOTUS”. I erased it, but thought to myself that she’ll ALWAYS be my FLOTUS.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f170b20ea95123bb96b61e8d3a497085b8d8ece8bbe379872e528a050fdd70ee.gif

    • “M”

      I just use “FLOTUS Michelle, Esq.” to reference her.

      Because then everybody knows who you’re talking about (as opposed to that fake-architecture-degree-having birther-BS-spewing gloomy-tacky-sequins-on-the-House-Floor-wearing tarnished-brass-plated slacker who won’t get out of NYC where her Secret Service security costs 2x the budget of the NEA her wannabe dictator husband nuked b/c he hates the arts, and go do her FLOTUS job in DC).

      Dr. Seuss hated people like Donald and Melania. You don’t have to believe me tho – read the Butter Battle Book or even about the Sneetches.

      Saturday post! o/ o/ o/

      • LMNOP

        I could see the orange mistake as Yertle the Turtle. And things did not end well for Yertle, but “the turtles, of course, all the turtles were free, as turtles, and maybe, all creatures, should be.”

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    She will always be my FLOTUS.

  • La Bandita

    Damon – I hope you’re feeling better. Follow up article? And nothing you ever say is incorrect.

  • Becca

    This and this again. #Withdrawal #ThisIsTheSunkenPlace

    • Mary Burrell

      Oh i just remembered “The Sunken Place” That’s that alternate universe that dark hole where all the black folks went to in Get Out. Great analogy to desrcribe what having Melania Trump as FLOTUS compared to Michelle Obama.

  • fedup

    First of friggin all: a Saturday post? Whoa!

    Second: same.

    My POTUS and FLOTUS are Black, that’s all I know. Don’t know who them demons squattin on Pennsylvania Ave are, but I only recognize strength, intelligence, class, and real hair. And melanin.

    Never back down!

    • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

      I would give him kudos for the Saturday post, but fairly certain it’s because he is procrastinating on working on his book.

      • LMNOP

        Maybe the book hanging over him is causing him stress, and he is following the doctors advice to cut down on stress.

        If there is one skill I have in this life it is justifying procrastinating.

        • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

          I’ve been tracking down gospel house songs instead of sending out a one paragraph email for work. Email should have gone out yesterday.

          • fedup

            A fellow procrastinator? High fives!

          • L8Comer

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          • Nik White

            Yaaaas Kas

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    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Right. They will always be our president and First Lady. I don’t car even who inhabits that place in D.C. Aliens.

    • ms. nylahou

      My heart literally breaks when I see my POTUS and FLOTUS in pictures now. I’m happy that they’re relaxed and happy. But the person sitting in the Oval office now is nuts.

      I hope Letterman is right in that Trump will screw up and have to step down. I just hope that he has to take his whole administration with him. Maybe Obama will have to step in as an interim president. It’s the only way I can sleep at night, y’all.

      • Tam

        Lol. You forget if he steps down, Pence will step up. Plus isn’t there a whole line of succession.

        • ms. nylahou

          That’s why I want him to take his whole administration with him, lol! Just invalidate the whole doggone thing.

    • Juxtapose
  • PDL – Cape Girl Shero

    In lieu of Michelle Obama being FLOTUS, I’ll take Oprah

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