I Saw Girls Trip In A Theater With Like 17 Million Black Women There And Now I Have Thoughts About That Experience!
Jonathan Bachman/Getty Images for Universal
1. It was the first time I went to a pitch black movie theater — while wearing some nice jeans and some really fresh sneakers, if I say so myself — and somehow felt underdressed. I felt like I was wearing house party clothes to a day party.
2. While at a mall a few years ago, I absent-mindedly walked into Lady Foot Locker instead of MAN’S FOOT LOCKER FOR MEN right next door. I didn’t realize it at first, because there’s no immediately discernible difference between the clothes and shoes at Lady’s Foot Locker and the gear at MAN’S FOOT LOCKER FOR MEN, except for more purple and random pictures of Skylar Diggins. But then, after a saleswomen with a Lady’s Foot Locker tag on her referee’s shirt asked if I needed help, I knew I was in the wrong place.
There’s really no connection between that story and seeing Girls Trip in a theater with 17 million Black women there. Except there was a lot more purple in the theater than I anticipated.
3. Is Grapefruiting a real actual thing that real actual people have done? Also, if Grapefruiting is a real actual thing, does the fruit, like, change? If a guy’s really packing, do you use a baby watermelon? Or perhaps a lemon (or a, gasp, grape) if he’s not?
4. Last week I joked that we haven’t seen Larenz Tate since he rode off on his bike with Nina at the end of Love Jones. Well, apparently this nigga drove straight into a cryogenic chamber and just stayed. He’s 41 years old and this dude would seriously still get carded. At an 18 and over club. It’s insane. If he was as old as he actually looked, he’d be the same age as the gnat in my kitchen.
5. The loudest laughs came with a scene involving public urination. Which makes me wonder if women realize how fun it can be to aim and pee on things. Every woman reading this should go and pee on a stop sign or a squirrel or something today just to have that experience. #Allpeestreamsmatter.
6. Each time Mike Colter appeared on screen, a woman sitting in front of us would say “beat that bald nigga’s ass.” She didn’t scream it or anything though. She also sat by herself, so she wasn’t speaking to anyone. She’d just say it calmly and nonchalantly, like she was reminding herself of a grocery list. I think she had a personal beef with him. I think her and Mike Colter used to work together, and Mike Colter would stay eating the pickles she kept in the office fridge. Because Mike Colter looks like someone who’d eat your pickles. And now she wants that bald nigga’s ass beat each time she sees him.
7. Regina Hall has nice arms. As does Regina King. Which convinces me that all 40-something Black Reginas have nice arms. So much so that I now assume that every 40-something Black woman with nice arms is named Regina.
8. The theater smelled like Carol’s Daughter, cocoa butter, popcorn, and weed. Basically the theater smelled exactly how I assume Erykah Badu does.
9. The collective gasp when Kofi Siriboe first appeared on screen was audible. I think one woman literally started choking on her Coke. Either that or she was pantomiming aggressive fellatio. (She was behind me so I couldn’t tell.)
10. I feel like Coke-choke-inducing good looks is too much attention and pressure. I’m fine with my current level of looks, which, depending on how close to haircut day I am, can occasionally induce thoughts about thinkpieces about grits. You don’t look at me and choke on soda. You look at me and think “That nigga would write the hell out of a 800 word thinkpiece about some grits. Damn!”
11. I think centering Girls Trip around the Essence Festival is the most meta marketing strategy ever. Each theater it shows in — including the one I was in — basically becomes a miniature pocket roving Essence Festival itself.
12. I think no one has ever said “booty” better than Tiffany Haddish does. We think saying booty is our ally. We merely adopted to saying booty; she was born in it, moulded by it. Jhene Aiko was probably the most famous booty-sayer before Tiffany, but comparing their booty-saying bonafides and talents is like comparing a base model Challenger to a Dodge Demon
13. I think that’s the most I’ve ever said booty in a four sentence span.
14. I think there’s gonna be a Girls Trip sequel.
15. I think I’m done thinking about this today!