I Played Basketball Yesterday And Now My Nipples Are Really Sore And If This Is What Getting Old Means Fuck This Shit » VSB

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I Played Basketball Yesterday And Now My Nipples Are Really Sore And If This Is What Getting Old Means Fuck This Shit

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I am not one of those adult-aged people who complains about adulting and other things adult-aged people are expected to do as adult-aged people. Because no one wants to hear that shit. Yes, going to work every day is hard and shit. But work is hard for everyone. Saying you hate work because its hard is like saying you hate gravity and disrespectfully unseasoned chicken breasts. But mostly I never complain because being an adult is a hundred thousand trillion times better than being someone who is not an adult. Mainly because, as an adult, you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as its within some standard of reasonable legality.

For instance, think about how many shitty meals you were forced to eat the first 18 years of your life, and how often you had to eat what was placed in front of you just because the person in charge of you bought and cooked it so your ass better eat it. 30% of your adolescent and teenage meals probably had you thinking even then that you couldn’t wait to be an adult so you could eat whatever the fuck you wanted to. That shit don’t fly as an adult though. You know what I had for breakfast yesterday morning. A slice of crack pie and a rib. Why? Because I’m a grown-ass man who wanted some pie and some swine yesterday morning, so I reached into my grown-ass refrigerator and grabbed it. And I ate it while watching Elmo’s World. Because fuck you, that’s why.

Still, despite this full embrace of age, one thing I’m just never going to get use to is the exponential increase in random-ass pains and aliments. And not shit you can point to like “Ok…this act resulted in this soreness. This makes sense.” But the shit that just happens arbitrarily. Like you’re just sitting down somewhere, eating some celery, and then a sharp pain shoots through your big toe. And then, right in the middle of you wondering what the fuck is wrong with your big toe, it just stops. And then it never happens again. Basically, your body just takes turns punking you; giving you enough random acts of dumb-ass soreness as pay back for all the consequence-less shit you did as a kid. Your body has all of your receipts, and just can’t wait to be able to use them and shame you for no reason. Your body is basically Black Twitter.

And nothing so far has compared to what I’m experiencing now, as two hours of intense pick-up yesterday resulted not in sore shoulders or fatigued thighs, but stinging fucking nipples. Nipples! I didn’t even realize it until I got into the shower, and the water hitting my nips made me scream like a badger was biting them. (Have you ever tried showering while avoiding water contact with your nipples — and not just one nip, but two nips? I felt like I was playing the saddest game of naked Twister ever.) Even now, almost 24 hours later, as I write this, I need to be mindful of how aggressively I type cause each time my t-shirt brushes against my nipples, I want to cry.

So kids, if you’re reading this, remember that getting old is great. You can eat whatever you want and you can even collect paychecks while writing fart jokes on the Internet. But one day your nipples will rebel against you. So shame your nips into submission now before they get any ideas! Tell those nipples who’s boss before it’s too late!

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Get old is great but it can hurt. Why was yesterday chest day but my lats are sore now? #Jesusbesometrumpcare

    • Because if you were benching with proper form, you were squeezing your lats together to create a stable pressing platform.

      • BrothasKeeper

        I’m using your regimen. I’m sore all over.

        • Uncle Remus

          Regimen? There’s a regimen? I’m bored with my current lift schedule. What’s the regimen?

          • BrothasKeeper

            Let MM break it down. It’s thorough.

          • Kas

            Mortal Man will kill you. Don’t fall for his nice guy act.

            • Cheech

              The recovery part of his regimen includes a pound of red meat a day. Nuff said.

              • A pound of red meat, a gallon of milk, or a dozen eggs.

            • Janelle Doe

              Though I followed his advice on planks/kettlebell and have not looked back!

              • I would never lead you wrong, padawan.

            • If he dies, he dies.

              • Uncle Remus

                Eybody wan go heaven, no one want die.

        • How long you’ve been using 5/3/1 for?

          • BrothasKeeper

            A month. I don’t know how you do it. I think I’m actually getting old.

            • 1) How many days a week are you training?

              2) After the main lift, how many assistance lifts are you doing?

              3) Are your assistance lifts barbell, dumbbell, cable, or machine based?

              4) How many hours of sleep are you getting?

              5) What do you do for conditioning?

              • BrothasKeeper

                1.) Three days a week. 2-3.) Barbell overhead press, 85×5, 5 sets of 5×10 4.) 6-7 hours. 5.) 25 min. bike ride for 5 miles

                • 1) Good frequency if you’re struggling with recovery.

                  2) and 3) Are you following the set and weight progression when it comes to 5/3/1? And are you following the principles of your training max? Remember, the weight you base your main lifts on is not 90% of your max; it’s 90% of your max minus 10 pounds. Feel free to take off 15 or 20 if you’re struggling with soreness and focus on rep goals instead. You’ll be less sore and, due to the additional volume you’re performing, you’ll slab on mass. No work set for a main lift should ever, however, exceed 12 reps.

                  4) Do you feel refreshed when you wake up, as if you would not need caffeine to get through the morning? Afternoon fatigue is normal, especially after lunch. You also need to eat much more protein. The program recommends, in supplementation to your regular diet,, adding either a pound of beef, a gallon of milk, or a dozen eggs to ensure your body has the protein to recover well. I get around this by simply eating tons of lean protein for every meal except breakfast.

                  5) This might be a problem. You can not serve two masters for long, and no two masters are as brutal as strength training (which 5/3/1 is) and steady state cardio (your 5 mile ride). I’d recommend conditioning that helps serve your strength goal by getting you out of breath while moving heavy weight. Farmer’s walks, sprints, hill runs, and Cosgrove’s Evil 8 are much better conditioning tools to use if you’re trying to get stronger.

                  Curcumin is also good for soreness. So either buy some curcumin pills you can take or find a restaurant with great curry and go there several times a week.

      • I did dumbbell presses yesterday and I used my normal form but today my sh*t is wrecked.

        • Maybe it’s age then.

        • Actually, had a thought. Do you do barbell overhead presses?

          • On rare occasions. I’m hitting my shoulders right now.

            • Do them every leg day and see if that helps with the pain. You may have a shoulder imbalance.

      • Uncle Remus

        Word on the street is you have a regimen. Is it posted in one of the earlier pages and / or could you repost?

        • Jim Wendler’s 5/3/1. I can give tips on it if you want but there’s enough floating around if you want to research yourself.

          • Uncle Remus

            Cool. I’ll take a look now and tag you later in the week.

        • I can get thorough tomorrow. I’ve got two candidates to interview and a hot date with the wife tomorrow. Tag me in a post and I’ll get thorough.

          • Uncle Remus

            scenario for your advice: my weight machine maxes at 260. on chest days, this is not a problem because if I need to go over 260, i cut the weight in half and do the exercise with each arm independently. However, I don’t quite have the balance to do squats and deadlifts one-legged. Do you have any suggestions?

            • Yes.

              First, what’s causing you do use a weight machine for chest instead of barbells and dumbbells?

              Second, to develop balance for the squat, do box squats. Drag a box or bench to the squat rack, but the bar on your back, and sit down. Take a pause, and get up. Do this while driving your heels into the ground and keeping your toes off the ground. As you progress, make sure the box you sit on gets closer to the ground.

              Third—why on Earth do you want to do a one legged deadlift?

              • Uncle Remus

                Because the weight machine is in my bedroom right next to my bed. I’m also a charter school administrator (IB Coordinator / AP but soon to take on some more responsibilities) and don’t imagine I’ll get any more time to hit a gym with more equipment. Therefore, weight machine for all my lifting, usually between 9pm and 1am.

                The problem with the squat isn’t balance with both legs, its balance on one leg to try to get twice as much benefit from the little bit of weight I’ve got on the machine (260lbs is all the machine has; some day I’ll splurge and buy more plates, but for now…)

                I don’t WANT to do a one legged deadlift, but the 5/3/1 spreadsheet I found (thanks for the lead; a new lift schedule is good for the boredom I was starting to develop) gave me weight numbers for my squats and deadlifts WAY above what my machine has on it (my deadlift max is >400)

                • 5/3/1 is meant to work with barbells, and with the Big 4 lifts- bench, overhead press, deadlift, and squats. You can use the programs principles with machines, but as you can see, you’ll quickly outstrip your machine’s capacity to challenge you. I recommend using Christian Thibaudeau’s “22 Proven Rep Schemes” with your machine to help pursue your goals: https://www.t-nation.com/training/22-proven-rep-schemes. I apply these to my assistance work and it allows me, at different times, to prioritize either size or strength. May I ask what machine you’re using?

                  And where do you work? I’m assuming the high school level, but what city/town and CMO?

                  • Uncle Remus

                    Parabody Serious Steel 400 http://fitness.manualsonline.com/manuals/mfg/parabody/400102.html

                    I’ll check out the t-nation website tonight.

                    In DC at an independent charter elementary school.

                  • Uncle Remus

                    I thought I replied, but maybe I didn’t.

                    I have a Parabody Serious Steel 400. Thanks for the t-nation website; I’m going to try the 8×8@60% schedule for the lower body work. I’m going to have to buy some extra plates for the machine eventually.

                    I work in DC at an independent charter elementary school. Best work atmosphere I’ve ever had.
                    Been there for about a decade and will probably retire from there.

                    • I’m glad you’ve found a school you like! Our work is too trying to tolerate working at a dysfunctional organization.

                      And I would say that as long as you’re only using that machine, you’d be best to use any of the mass building rep schemes. Hit me up if you’re ready to move to barbell work and I can introduce you to the wonderful and productive world of 5/3/1.

    • Val

      Sounds like a bit of Hottodding in there, Wu. Lol

  • cedriclathan

    Just wait for you knees to start rebelling and talking to you.

    • KMN

      TRUTH

    • Uncle Remus

      That one ankle from way back that randomly re-sprains because, I don’t know, it’s Wednesday.

      • pghbekka

        if you didn’t want to throw your back out, you shouldn’t have tried to put your shirt on.

      • Detroit Skater

        aaaahahahahaha! lawd can I relate….it’s my left ankle on Saturdays….walking is a straight up challenge…

  • BrothasKeeper

    Your nipples are sore because you welched on an article. It’s called Umar’s Revenge.

    • KMN

      Listen…the muthafucking CACKLEASSSCREAM I just let out ROFLOL I hate you lmaooooooooo

      • MsSula

        Mine was ugly!! My nephews ran to the bedroom to see if their aunty was alright. LMAO!!!

    • Val

      Lol

    • MakesMeWannaShoopShoopShoop

      The prayers of the thirsty

      • Darkchloe144

        *evilgrin*

    • NonyaB?
      • MakesMeWannaShoopShoopShoop

        Hey Ms PRC

      • Lea Thrace

        this is the most glorious gif!

      • Looking4Treble

        Do I even need to say it? :-)

        • NonyaB?

          Ahoy there, Treble!

          • Looking4Treble

            Ahoy, Queen B!

    • Janelle Doe

      BOL

  • KMN

    huh…at least you’re not going thru perimenopause….randomass hot flashes all over the place…sharp pains going thru yournippleslike a vice grip tightened up on them…backaches just because your period MIGHT be on the way because menopause is like fuckyoubihh
    Yeah…come at me when you turn 40 lmao

    • vanitaapplebum

      #truthdotcom I damb near got nekkid in Target the other day. #hotflash

      • KMN

        tell the truth and shame the devil lolol

      • Marceline

        Does your Target have a grocery section? Next time get thee to the ice cream section, open the door and pretend you’re reaching for something at the back of the shelf.

        • KMN

          I’ll walk in that sumbihh anyway…I ain’t pretending to buy SHlT lmao

      • BrothasKeeper

        *leans in*

      • Girl.. and people wonder why I wear as little clothing as possible.. Yeah- I’m sessy AND I’m HOT..literally!

    • Marceline

      Hot flashes aren’t for the weak. I had to conduct a job interview and in the middle of it I started sweating like Lindsay Lohan in a liquor store.

      • Val

        Lol @ sweating like Lindsay Lohan in a liquor store.

        • KMN

          Val!! 83 and GORGEOUS today…hyd

          • Val

            The sun just broke through the fog and 62. Hi, KMN!

            • KMN

              Tell Mother Nature to stop showing the fuck out lmao

              • Val

                Lol She won’t give us any rain tho. :-(

                • KMN

                  OMG that’s because she’s giving it all to us!! We’ve been having flash floods,flood warnings, texts from Jesus to build arcs and ish…
                  And it’s gonna rain the next THREE days

                  • Val

                    I don’t even remember what summer rain is like anymore. Seriously. Be careful in all of that.

                    • KMN

                      I am and thank you..it’s more south and closer to the Illinois border…so I’m safe-ish but you never know..

      • KMN

        ROFL ain’t that the truth!! I’ve been running super cold and all of a sudden two weeks of hot flashes like where the fuck yall come from roflol…
        my one coworker described it as an explosion from the inside…yup that’s accurate lmao

      • !!!!!! I literally wear my hair in a bun most days because of hot flashes… Dayum hair was dripping sweat like Michael Jackson with a jheri curl!!

    • pghbekka

      All the fun! Why hello, random embarrassing itch – thanks for showing up with that hot flash in the middle of my presentation.

      • KMN

        ROFLOLMAOOOOOOOOO @ random itch OMG…
        Yeah face be all flushed and wet for no reason…

    • cedriclathan

      The first man who can harness that energy to charge a phone is going to win the Nobel, I tell ya’…

      • KMN

        Look you can have my uterus for the cause…I don’t need baby storage lmao

        • cedriclathan

          LOL! “We have a donor.”

          • KMN

            ROFL YESSIR!!!!

            • cedriclathan

              Furiously Googling solar panels….

        • Cleojonz

          Lining up to donate mine too. This ish is for the birds.

          • cedriclathan

            I think we need them intact, were harnessing the heat, not the meat.

            • Cleojonz

              I’m not there quite yet lol.

    • Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl!! Perimenopausal since I was 35.. hot flashes so bad that I sweated my blow out back dayum curly!!! AND to still get periods and the ability to get pregnant? Still dealing with tender breasts and the dayum bloating!! Man, his nips can sukk it!

  • Val

    Good try, Champ, but I won’t be discussing my nipplege on the internets.

    • BrothasKeeper

      Aw man….

      • Val

        Bruva.

        • BrothasKeeper

          Valladega Nights!

          • Val

            Lol Took you a minute but good one.

            • BrothasKeeper

              Gimme a break. I’m on summer vacay! LoL

    • Kas

      I was lurking so quietly though.

      • Val

        Kasmerica.

    • Cheech

      Not just one in the avi?

  • Skegeeaces

    Nipple soreness? Oh, you mean marathon breast feeding. Lol

  • AKA The Sauce

    Man…I had a game Sunday and my hamstrings are on fire and my knee feels like it’s been kicked by a horse. Getting old sucks.

    • Cheech

      Last summer I popped a hammy for the first time. Sounds like a sportsed-up thing to have happen, right? Felt it, could swear I heard it, and there I was, instantly, nose down in the grass. Hurt like heII.

      Know what I was doing at the time? Herfing a beer cooler full of leftovers and ice water back across the lawn after the cookout.

      Getting old sucks? You damn skippy.

      • Cleojonz

        The first time I tweaked my back all I was doing was lifting a child up into her car seat.

    • grownandsexy2

      I love it when young uns talk about getting old. Ha!

      • AKA The Sauce

        I’m am old….I have the grey hair to prove it.

        • grownandsexy2

          Some young uns have grey hair

    • MakesMeWannaShoopShoopShoop

      You are barely 30, what old age? Next thing you gon try to convince us you need a walker

      • AKA The Sauce

        I do need a walker. And a lifetime supply of icy-hot. I’m old…not as spry as I once was.

  • Queen@

    Between you and P, this is the 219 article in the last 3 years about basketball and getting old. I’d like to recommend some old man sports. Do any of these tickle your fancy:

    – Trap Chess/checkers. It’s like traditional chess/checker, but the some of the pieces are shots of Henny. So as they are captured you drink.

    – Swimming. It’s easy on the joints. The older you get the less you are able to control your bladder, so the pool works.

    – Drag racing. Hear me out. Like, you rolling in dough, so you can get a red car to compensate for any—ummmm member challenges— and race through the streets.

    – Curling. Great practice for mopping up the tears shed from getting older.

  • AKA The Sauce

    Anyway…we gone talk about Mohamed Noor or nah?

    • How he’s about to be steamrolled by white privilege?

    • Val

      Is that the Minneapolis cop’s name?

      • Cheech

        Yup

        • Val

          Oh, well, he’s toast.

          • cedriclathan

            Burnt toast.

          • AKA The Sauce

            I’m just waiting for the NRA, AllLivesMatter, and BlueLivesMatter folks to join the conversation.

            • If the NRA didn’t fly the flag for Philando they’ll sit silent now.

    • MakesMeWannaShoopShoopShoop

      Dead man walking

    • Uncle Remus

      How, while he might be a cop, so we can’t Monday Morning Quarterback his split second decision to defend himself and his partner, he is also a Muslim immigrant, so the NRA don’t know where to start?

      • AKA The Sauce

        Right….this is going to get REAL interesting

    • Rewind4ThatBehind

      He’s a cop.

      Fuck him.

      Next.

      • AKA The Sauce

        Somalian immigrant cop killed a Australian white woman yoga instructor…I think it will get interesting.

        • We’ll see how far the Blue Wall extends.

          • AKA The Sauce

            Arm length…I researched it.

          • KMN

            The black cop that killed the black man in Milwaukee got off…that blue wall extends pretty far…but I see what you’re saying…esp with him being Muslim

            • AKA The Sauce

              Nah…it’s different when it’s a white girl. Watch him get 100 years.

              • Probably try to say he’s an ISIL plant or whatever those fckboys are calling themselves this week.

                • AKA The Sauce

                  I can actually see this happening.

            • NotToday

              I’m pretty sure that the black cops who killed the white kid in LA are rotting in prison right now.

            • Wild Cougar

              See, the nuance that many people miss, is……… It’s the race/value of the VICTIM that counts. Not the race of the cop. Blonde woman????? We will really see now.

              • cedriclathan

                You don’t think this Muslim is going to get worse treatment than if a white cop woulda shot her? Naw, you have to factor in both, the shooter and the shootee.

                • Wild Cougar

                  You’re right about that. We need algorithms

              • AKA The Sauce

                Exactly

              • Aintnuthinwrongwitcornbread
    • As a certain Black Minnesota native once said, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for this thing called LIFE!

    • NonyaB?

      Nah. At best, that case can be filed under “In which we learn that good tools protect everybody”. If by any chance he’s being framed by his partner/workplace because he’s BM or Muslim or maybe even attacked by victim or saw her about to, it don’t matter because he’d didn’t put his bodycam on! Otherwise, another trigger happy twit about to find out his real standing in society.

      • AKA The Sauce

        Sooooo OJ 2017

    • NotToday

      I read on some site that he’s claiming it was an accidental discharge or some mess. I have the same questions I’d have for a white cop:
      1) why was your weapon out, dude?
      2) why was your finger on the trigger, dude?
      3) why was your bodycam off, dude?
      4) why was your dash cam off, dude?

      You know you’re about to die in prison, right? The blue wall doesn’t protect POC.

      • Cleojonz

        Exactly. He’s wrong regardless of being black/muslim or not. People need to just stop calling cops for every little scary noise they hear. It’s ending in death WAY too often and more often than not lately, for the people who called them in the first place.

    • i dont think a black male cop being accused of shooting a civilian will get the kind of traction here, that other types of articles would get.

    • grownandsexy2

      I just need to know if any of the media shoved a microphone and camera in the face of Justine Damond’s family and asked if they forgive Mohamed Noor like they do the families of killed by cops Black people.

      • Nope. The cop did give an apology though.

        • Aintnuthinwrongwitcornbread

          And his pic was out quicker than Bolt from the blocks.

        • Cheech

          Defense attorneys and union reps frown on that kind of thing.

        • grownandsexy2

          Yeah, I remember that. At least he’s contrite. It won’t save him tho.

      • AKA The Sauce

        I wonder the same…they giving him so much respect…smh

    • cedriclathan

      Quote from a FB reply:

      “What about white on white crime? Maybe white people should stop killing each other and the cops will respect them more. They don’t care about each other so why should the cops care?”

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    Let’s seeeeee…..Periods for what 35-40 years, water retention, birthing babies, migraines, nipples soreness (like for real), baby weight gain, swollen feet and shoes that no longer fit, healthy teeth and hair a must cause pregnancy, peri menopause, random hot flashes, mammograms, bad kids…..oh, my bad I was on a roll…..tee hee hee

    These are only a few things that comes with being a woman. I’d be lying if I said I went through all of these but some woman somewhere did. And this is all the while getting older. Need I say more? LOL

    • Cheech
      • PDL….HE still working on me

        Exactly. Tombout sore cause basketball. LOL

    • La Bandita

      Men go thru all of that. Not pregnancy or period but ‘man a pause’ where they loose testosterone and get erectile dysfunction and gain weight and get grumpy.

      • And then there are people who get PEDs basically because they get old. There’s this company called Cenogenics which prescribes medicines for “aging”. I’m not that vain. Let me get old in peace. LOL

        • cedriclathan

          I’d love to get hold of some EPO just to help with the breathing because of my asthma. My brother is a caretaker for his mother in law and can get hold of some. I balked when he told me it was an injection.

        • This was so “Get off my Lawn”

      • WHen?

        • La Bandita

          If a man doesn’t take good care of himself it can start as early as in the 30’s. The tell tale signs for men is his wee wee not getting hard every morning like use too, developing a little more tetars or bigger n i p s, getting a belly and grumpy. The bigger their belly gets the less their wee wee works (I’ve read, haha). Their estrogen can go up and their testosterone goes down. It’s part of aging and both men and women are affected.

    • Jae Starz

      Listen. Just had x-rays on my knee because pregnancy. I don’t have any real sympathy for achy nips. LOL

      • cedriclathan

        Ok, so why xray your knee “because pregnancy”? What am I missing?

        • Jae Starz

          Pregnancy affected my hip, thigh and knee alignment due to widening of the pelvic bone.

          • cedriclathan

            Got it.

          • PDL….HE still working on me

            Good answer, good answer (while clapping)

          • cakes_and_pies

            Apparently pregnant women develop carpel tunnel postpartum too.

            • GenevaGirl

              I can attest to that!

            • Jeopardy15

              I did. I was so scared to hold my baby for fear of weakness in my wrists. Both freaking wrists.

              • cakes_and_pies

                I don’t see how y’all do it.

          • My pelvic bones widened but I still have no hips..boooo!

        • Me

          BABIES STRAPPED TO YOUR WAIST ARE HEAVY!!! Please pass the message to all the other men. Tomorrow, do something nice, and offer a pregnant friend/family member a back rub. This is a PSA.

          • MakesMeWannaShoopShoopShoop

            Babies over 4 months in slings are heavy. Those little suckers can give serious back pain

            • Me

              True, but you can put a four month old down when you need to. I can’t unstrap 25 lbs of placenta, amniotic fluid, and fetus from my uterus when I’m curled over in pain.

      • PDL….HE still working on me

        Girl! People don’t realize things that are affected due to pregnancy. I said teeth because I know someone whose teeth went bad while pregnant.

        • cedriclathan

          Wow, I read that as “teeth went bald” for a second and I’m going, “wait, what?”

          • PDL….HE still working on me

            LOL

            • cedriclathan

              I couldn’t figure out which way my eyes were crossed. You shoulda seen the look on my face.

              • PDL….HE still working on me

                Hahahaha. It happens to me too sometimes.

        • Cleojonz

          I ended up with a bunch of filling courtesy of pregnancy #2. Its really is no joke.

          • PDL….HE still working on me

            Seriously no joke

          • cedriclathan

            I forgot, women lose calcium during pregnancy. You’all making me dip into my biology and human anatomy lessons. My brain hurts.

          • La Bandita

            My mom told me to walk around with a tooth brush and tooth paste, for when you have morning sickness.

          • Really? Lawd!

      • ANd you are about to have achy nips yourself!

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