I Never Thought I’d…
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”
There are myriad reasons why Woody Allen’s famous quote annoys the hell out of me, none more prominent than the fact that it suggests that the master of the universe has a pretty shitty sense of humor. I mean, God has been around forever (give or take a couple trillion years or so), and if we take Allen’s quote to heart, He has the same sense of humor as that asexual asshole high school guidance counselor who guffawed when you told her you wanted to be a professional clown.
Maybe it’s just me, but I prefer to think of my creator as being a bit more self-deprecating. I imagine God sitting around, deleting voicemails from Kelly Price and thinking things like “Uranus. Ha! What the hell was I smoking when I farted out that wack-ass planet? That place is about as useless as tits on a bull.”
Anyway, while I think God would be kind of a dick if He found humor in the fact that we can’t predict the future — which, since He didn’t see the need to give us that power, is like clowning an Elephant for not being able to make mango salsa — I do actually think it’s (occasionally) amusing when life throws us curveballs; putting us in situations we never, ever, ever thought we’d be in.
For instance, I am not an animal person. I don’t hate them or anything — well, I don’t hate any animals aside from gotdamn f*cking deer and the bird who finds a way to shit on my car three days a week — but I’m just a guy who’d prefer to live an animal and pet free life. Perhaps I’m scarred from the fact that my last pets — goldfish named fred and freda — got their dumb asses killed because my neighbor gave them too much food and they ate themselves to death. (This really happened, btw) Who knows?
But, I do know that I never thought that I’d end up owning a f*cking cat…which I currently do right now. Now, that’s a bit misleading. Due to some circumstances too interesting to print today (Seriously. The story behind the temporary cat ownership has enough material for a week’s worth of VSB posts), I’m actually cat-sitting for the next four months; not permanent, but long enough to make me, to quote Panama Jackson a few weeks ago, “a nigga with a cat.”
That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m sure I’m not alone. I know everyone’s life hasn’t followed the exact plan you thought it would, so how would you fill in your own personal “I never thought I’d…” sentence?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)