Theory & Essay

I Never Thought I’d…

I never thought I'd wake up to this every morning.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”

There are myriad reasons why Woody Allen’s famous quote annoys the hell out of me, none more prominent than the fact that it suggests that the master of the universe has a pretty shitty sense of humor. I mean, God has been around forever (give or take a couple trillion years or so), and if we take Allen’s quote to heart, He has the same sense of humor as that asexual asshole high school guidance counselor who guffawed when you told her you wanted to be a professional clown.

Maybe it’s just me, but I prefer to think of my creator as being a bit more self-deprecating. I imagine God sitting around, deleting voicemails from Kelly Price and thinking things like “Uranus. Ha! What the hell was I smoking when I farted out that wack-ass planet? That place is about as useless as tits on a bull.”

Anyway, while I think God would be kind of a dick if He found humor in the fact that we can’t predict the future — which, since He didn’t see the need to give us that power, is like clowning an Elephant for not being able to make mango salsa — I do actually think it’s (occasionally) amusing when life throws us curveballs; putting us in situations we never, ever, ever thought we’d be in.

For instance, I am not an animal person. I don’t hate them or anything — well, I don’t hate any animals aside from gotdamn f*cking deer and the bird who finds a way to shit on my car three days a week — but I’m just a guy who’d prefer to live an animal and pet free life. Perhaps I’m scarred from the fact that my last pets — goldfish named fred and freda — got their dumb asses killed because my neighbor gave them too much food and they ate themselves to death. (This really happened, btw) Who knows?

But, I do know that I never thought that I’d end up owning a f*cking cat…which I currently do right now. Now, that’s a bit misleading. Due to some circumstances too interesting to print today (Seriously. The story behind the temporary cat ownership has enough material for a week’s worth of VSB posts), I’m actually cat-sitting for the next four months; not permanent, but long enough to make me, to quote Panama Jackson a few weeks ago, “a nigga with a cat.”

That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Anyway, people of, I’m sure I’m not alone. I know everyone’s life hasn’t followed the exact plan you thought it would, so how would you fill in your own personal “I never thought I’d…” sentence?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at Or don't. Whatever.

  • Val

    Oh my, am I first?

    • Iceprincess

      You totally messed that up. You shoulda been like, “i never thought i’d be first.” Lmao

      • Val

        I know, right. I thought of that after I hit post. Lol

    • nillalatte

      lmao… you are hereby anointed because I been waiting on a “FIRST” post all freaking week! lol

      • Val

        lol!@that link

        I think it only means something the first time. :-)

  • Val

    I never thought I’d be living in Northern California.

  • Bri

    I never thought I’d not be a mom by now…

    • JessicaL

      I never thought I’d be a stepmom, before I even had kids of my own. That’s hard because no one listens to my advice when it comes to children. Like me telling the s/o not to talk negatively about their mother. I may not have my own younguns but I’m a child of divorce and I know how that feels.

  • I never thought I would pick the mature thing to do over the more hilarious option….I guess it’s what they call growing up lol

    • JessicaL

      I never thought I would be too tired to party all night, or party all night and get up the next morning sans problems.

  • LBoug

    *due to some circumstances…

    I never thought I’d be correcting my absolute favorite blogger :)

  • i never thought id be a youtube actor. or be the lost baby Debarge brother, for that matter. b*tches been throwing panties like whoa. im kind of a big deal \o/

    i never thought pursuing a career in science would lead me to a future in comedy. my life rocks!


    • Ken Jeoung from The Hangover is a doctor. Maybe you’ll be on the big screen next.

      Yup, I knew her when….

      • Yeah, when I found out Mr. Chow was a doctor I was like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA?! Folks be diverse dinna mug out here. Same definitely applies to Dr. Gemster.

    • DG

      Hmmm….it might be just the rhythm of the night that’s leading to all of these unexpected life occurrences for you… Lol…

      Btw, congrats on the degree…I know all about that dissertation struggle (trying to stay motivated my d@mn self).

  • I never thought I’d NOT be married with kids by now, but I’m glad I’m not. Sometimes how we plan life at 16 doesn’t make a lick of d*mn sense when you actually grow up

    • jazzylia

      same here… At 18 I had decided I’d be married by 25, first kid at 27 last kid at 29. Currently 30, and none of the above, lol

      • I had literally the exact same time line…i still got 6 months to get married though lol. Never mind the fact that there’s not a [reasonable] suitor in sight.
        Gotta keep hope alive lol.

        • jazzylia

          keep that hope alive girl… cause the amount of decent suitors will drop DRASTICALLY in the next couple of years.

      • Classy6ft5

        Same….except the part about being 30.

    • WIP

      Like many of us, I thought I’d be married by 25 and have a couple kids and adopt like 5 kids. Now at 31 I’m getting married for the first time and debating whether one child would be too many.

      • whostolethesoul1

        you have to have at least two; you won’t know who really broke the lamp until the belt makes its presence known…

  • ThatsOneBadMF

    The series of events leading to my current job was completely unexpected and uncannily well-timed. Never thought I’d EVER live in NC, but here I am doing something I absolutely love.

    • Nikki

      I never thought I’d live in NC either. But here I am, it’s kinda workin out for me too! Although it’s taken nearly 5 years to finally paint the house, diff story for a diff day.

  • I never thought that after graduating university I’d be more confused than when I started. Nor did I ever think with y bad gyal tendencies that I’d be a virgin at my age.

    • Thai

      “I never thought that after graduating university I’d be more confused than when I started.”

      I felt this way some months after I graduated last year. Does that happen to everyone?

      • OneTooMany

        It absolutely does! I just coasted along for a while till my career fell into my lap.

      • It does..all the fanfare from the graduation is over and you’re on your way home thinking…ok now what?

    • That Ugly Kid

      You’re a virgin? Kudos. Waiting for the right guy? Well, I’m here sooo….

      *Starts singing N’Sync’s, “It’s Gonna Be Me.”

      • OMG That Ugly Kid, I just burst into laughter at ‘It’s Gonna Be Me’ and now the plantation owners are gawking me. Truth be told idk what I’m waiting for. The last time that was almost my first time ended in a disaster and me trying to Anderson Silva front kick the lying bastard into 2092.

        • That Ugly Kid

          You were waiting for me. See, I even got your name bedazzled onto my chest so you’d know that this is what’s going down. We can do this whenever you’re ready. This is all about you. I don’t want to hurt you, okay? I actually care and respect not just your body, but your mind too! I want this moment to be special for the both of us! Sorry if some of these sayings are a bit off. My Copy & Paste doesn’t work right now and I’m trying to recall all of these “Complete and Total Lies Men Tell Just To Get The Panties” quotes from memory.

          • Beautifullyhuman

            Lol…you’re crazy, but in a good way.

            • That Ugly Kid

              Really? I thought being crazy was purely a negative trait. Well then thank you! Nice to know there’s a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow of insanity.

          • b sweet

            Take your time if she deems you worthy, otherwise you’ll be in for an exciting game of ‘umm, just the tip, please. Thanks’ we know how you like to go in TCK (pun intended)

        • WayUPThere

          Props for the Anderson Silva front kick reference. Rarely, do you find a VSS who knows anything about MMA, except for the fact that the UFC is the dominate organization.

          Stop with this MMA knowledge, or I might be forced to start saying nice things about you

      • daps TUK up for the nsync reference.

    • “Nor did I ever think with y bad gyal tendencies that I’d be a virgin at my age.”

      *sits at your table*

      Hey gyal hey. LOL

    • WayUPThere

      “Nor did I ever think with y bad gyal tendencies that I’d be a virgin at my age.”

      How yuh mean? Yuh tendencies dem mus not be dat bad den. #badmanchat

  • b sweet

    I never thought I’d be in a career conundrum.
    When you go to one of the best MBA programs in the country, they sell you a dream. I lived the dream for a minute. After building my career for the last ten years, I’m figuring out my next step. I’m not about this life.
    I finally got something I’ve been wanting for a long time that I was actually sacrificing for my career, so I wonder if it was some kind of trade off
    *goes to archives and re-reads the problem with wanting it all*

    • That Ugly Kid

      Aww, don’t you go all Ms. B Sour on us. I’m sure things will work themselves out. They always do. For example, I suffered a traumatic experience today.

      I was at a friend’s hanging out and I went to get a cookie. I got the cookie, but dropped it. It was the last cookie. Yes, I know you’re thinking “Wow, you brave soul, how did you recover?!”. And that’s sweet of you to worry, but it gets better. When me and my homies go outside, I find a $20 bill. I didn’t announce it though because one of my friends lost some money earlier that day. And me dropping the cookie was his fault. It said so in my Horoscope. So now I got extra money. I can buy more cookies now….that’s life in a nutshell…

      • nillalatte

        WC… come get yo’ boy… he’s got his own ice cream money! :D

        • That Ugly Kid

          Oh word Nilla? You gon out me like this? After I complimented you by saying I thought you were a 24 year old black chick based on the awesomeness of your posts? Did we forget this? Okay. I got you. I know where you blog at, mamacita. On the next post, when you comment, I’m going to saying something really mean. Like, “your feet smell bad” kinda mean. Yea, you in the big leagues now…

          • nillalatte

            lmao… I still ain’t figured out how you thought I was 24 and black (which was funny as hell) and then you gonna play the age card on me like my vajayjay is all dried up and a prune. Yeah, you think I forgot THAT! It ain’t a good thing to play vengeance with nilla. She gots skillz bruh. :P

      • b sweet

        Awwww thanks TCK (I can’t type ugly anymore that pic is just too handsome). That story made me feel good.
        Don’t worry about me going sour. I’m sweet all the way down to the white meat.

        • That Ugly Kid

          Well thank you, sugarlumpkins. I’ve been debating if I should change my name to TAK, but that defeats the purpose of me calling myself TUK in the first place. So I must continue to fight the good fight.

    • Beautifullyhuman

      Hey B Sweet!

      I want to get my MBA, but at times I get a little hesitant about the expense. Did you find it worth it and would you do it again if you had the option not to? Did your program assist you in establishing the right contacts and landing a well paying job? Sorry for the questions but your comment was a little scary. Lol

      • b sweet

        Hey BH!!!
        Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
        My undergraduate degree was business administration so it made sense. I was on full scholarship so no loans, and I got it 11 years ago. In this day and age, and depending on your career path I would question its relevance

        • BeautifullyHuman

          Thanks girly!!

          I’ve started studying for my GMAT (and GRE as a backup), but I’m just trying to make sure this is an investment I’m willing to make. At times I vacillate on whether I truly want it, but I think my indecisiveness is more predicated on fear than anything else. Thanks again! :-)

          • b sweet

            I’m not sure if I was helpful. Keep me posted on your decision in this day I would say get your foot in the door or your desired career, work your way up and have them pay for your MBA

    • WIP

      “I’m not about this life.”

      Went to school to get a good job. Now a decade later I yearn to be some type of beach bum.

      • demondog06

        damn wip get outta my head…i joke about wanting to leave it all behind and being a beach bum all of the time…
        like literally just live on a beach with maybe a little bar to sell drinks to tourist and just live out the rest of my days in flip flops and Bermuda shorts. maybe get a dog named dookie stain

        • WIP

          I want an ice cream stand on Clearwater Beach.

        • Kema

          This is my dream too… smh

        • b sweet

          Can I sell beignets at your soda stand?

          We can use our degrees as serving platters

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