I’m A Grown Ass Man and I Do Not Fuck With Bugs And Such. » VSB

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I’m A Grown Ass Man and I Do Not Fuck With Bugs And Such.

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I’d like to tell you a story. Can I tell you a story? I’m going to tell you a story.

The other morning as I prepared for the day to be a good day, while taking my morning constitutional, reading the stories that populate my “News” app, and generally enjoying a few moments of peaceful reflection, I looked to my right and nearly had a heart attack.

Right next to my trash can looked to be a spider. And not just a run of the mill daddy long legs, no, this was the Kraken of spiders. It was the size of Kanye’s ego. It was huge. I’d never seen a spider this big before. And then when I came down from the realization that everybody in my house was going to die at the hands of this spider if I didn’t step into the arena with it, I realized that he was maybe the size of a quarter, but big enough to make me consider moving.

After finishing what I presumed to be my last constitutional, I walked towards this violator, prepared to throw hands and anything I could find at him and hope that my aim would be true lest he decide to attack me as my family heard my dying screams before they too were eaten by this quarter-sized spider. Fortunately, it turned out that the intruder wasn’t a spider after all, but a furry piece of some stuffed animal that one of my children decided to use to prank me. That’s the determination I came to because why ELSE would this piece of fur that was spider shaped be resting still in this place if not for the sole purpose of scaring the bejesus out of me? Kids, man.

See, I don’t do bugs. Actually, let’s be more accurate: As the man in the house, I’ve killed more bugs than I care to remember. Not that my home is infested, its just that if there IS a bug in the house, I recognize it as my manly duty to be the person who disposes of said bug with as little attention and disruption to the peaceful decorum as possible.

I just prefer not to do bugs. Roaches. Spiders. Waterbugs. Anything that looks like it might murder me then laugh is out. I respect them. And I realize circle of life and shit. Fuck that. I hate bugs. Bugs don’t respect the natural order of things, or my mortgage. I pay it. They don’t. Yet every so often I’ll be doing something peaceful and innocuous like reading the Bible or clipping my toenails and something will move in the background. I’ll look and nothing is moving. I go back to Joshua fitting the battle of Jericho or the toe jam and then something moves again and now I have to address it. I hate addressing it. Spiders in particular.

Some years ago, I took my daughter to this lizard and reptile show in Alexandria, Virginia, and they also brought along a spider that I’m pretty sure would eat everybody reading this. My uncles used to have tarantulas in Michigan until they disappeared into the basement, at which point I never went back to visit. They also had a boa constrictor that ALSO got out. Zookeepers they were not, my uncles. In my heart, I like to think that the tarantula and boa ate each other, restoring balance back to the universe.

Back to this spider. So they’re showing lizards and shit, then they pull out this big ass spider, that no lie, was probably the size of Shaquille O’Neal. Okay, maybe Shaq’s hand. Point is, this thing was big enough that if you saw it in your house, you’d absolutely leave and potentially burn your house down, fine collectibles and family heirlooms and all. You’d be afraid that if something that big was in your house, is there another one? Noap.

To quote the Double X Posse, I’m not gon’ be able to do it.

I went on stage and the animal person put this spider on his hand and I almost lost it. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

But she did and I decided that, sorry, but she was not my kind of girl.  More sorry, not sorry.

I grew up in urban areas which means that bugs weren’t exactly foreign to my life. They’re everywhere. That’s fine. As long as they do them and I do me then it’s all gravy. I feel the same way about rodents.

Listen, if we’re sitting down watching Netflix, say we’re watching episodes of Greenleaf or something, and a mouse scurries along the baseboard of the wall. First, we will both be jumping onto the couch. I promise you that. THEN, if you’re a woman, you might be inclined to expect me to go into Man-Mode and attempt to catch, kill, and dispose of said mouse. And I promise you that my response would be, “maybe he’ll leave.” And I will resume watching whatever it is that we were watching. I promise.

I’ve never had to confront a rat. I will never confront a rat. But if a rat shows up in my house – and I have no idea why this would be a thing – I’m calling the police. Straight up. And they better send the fire department, too. 500 Degreez.

Point is, I just used a wee bit over 900 words to tell you that I’m a grown ass man who hates bugs and tiny (THEY’RE ALL ACTUALLY HUGE) things that crawl. Because sharing is caring. Um, look out for Detox.

You’re welcome.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • UrbanNortheast

    Your uncles had a boa constrictor? Nah, I’d have to meet them at my place or a neutral location. They had a boa constrictor and it got out so it’s just loose in the house? Never going back there again, ever in my life. I can’t even see snakes on screens.

    • panamajackson

      Listen. Once that snake got out fam, my uncles house was a no go. I wish I could remember his name.

      • Simms~

        The boa or your uncles?

        • Val

          Lol

      • UrbanNortheast

        You know that episode of The Cosby Show where there’s a snake in the house and Cliff helps Claire catch it? I’d have been like “Me and my lawyer money will be at a hotel. Let me know how this turns out.”

      • How you lose a whole Boa Constrictor tho? Like…just HOW?

        • Lea Thrace

          The most important pregunta of them all right here!

        • Zil Nabu

          A snake got lost in our house once. Never found it.

          • Cause y’all left orrrr…

            • Zil Nabu

              Well yeah we did leave….20 years later.

    • Zil Nabu

      My parents refused to let us get a dog, cat, or even a hamster. However, we did have snakes. Started with my brother’s garter snake Speedy and graduated to a 6 foot python named Bodea.

  • Bugs and things like that don’t really bother me but I get rid of them. On the Wu F. Young Fear Index they are somewhere below snakes and the police but no where near clowns or blunt force trauma.

    10. Blunt Force Trauma
    9. Clowns
    .
    .
    .
    .
    4. Germans
    3. Police and snakes
    .
    1. Bugs

    *Bridges fell off of the list a long time ago.

  • waits for it…

  • Arachnids eat the bugs. I’d prefer 1 spider to 1 raccoon.

    • Val

      I prefer a thousand spiders to one raccoon.

    • I’m really not looking forward to the day I have to get a snake out of the house.

      • Val

        If it’s not poisonous or gigantic I would do it.

        • If a bus ticket to Kansas City shows up at your house, you know why.

          • Val

            As long as you hook me up with some ribs. And not those beef ribs things.

  • Val

    I’ve read and heard that the average person eats dozens of spiders during the course of a lifetime while sleeping. Apparently they crawl in to our mouths while we’re sleep and we swallow them down.

    Now, isn’t that comforting. Lol

    • panamajackson

      I’ve also heard this. I’ve also put it out of my mind. THANK YOU VAL.

    • miss t-lee
    • Simms~

      Sharing is caring and all that, but this little tidbit was oversharing. No kank you.

    • Brown Rose

      Yup. We are inundated with bugs even microbes in and around our bodies. Gives new meaning to Khan dropping a centipede in Chekov’s ear.

      • Val

        Don;t get me started talking about what’s living in our eyelashes.

        • Brown Rose

          Who you telling. Have you seen a close up of those aliens?

          • Val

            Unfortunately I have. Thousands of them.

            • Brown Rose

              Scary fascinating. And I hope no one decides to Jurassic Park those things into cockroach size.

      • Word to Shino Aburame

        • Val

          Your avi is really distracting.

          • I love her so much. She’s had so many good photos this year!

            • Val

              2017 is looking like a good year for her. 2016 was a good year for her too.

              • #BlackModelsMatter

    • BeigeRebelChic

      Ihatechoo!

    • I Came I Saw

      Lean protein. Is good for you.

      • Val

        Fried grasshoppers, anyone?

        • I Came I Saw

          I mean, with enough breading, maybe ground up the bodies so the legs don’t get caught in your teeth. They’re supposed to be a major untapped health food option.

          • BrothasKeeper

            See.

    • I read that in middle school…and it’s been a point for me to make sure my mouth is closed when going to sleep…I can’t say it stayed closed but…it makes me feel a little better.

    • Catfish Jenkins

      Now why in Jesus name did Disqus not block this comment? That and your eyelash comment below got me scratchin like a crackhead.

    • AKA The Sauce

      That makes me sad…i hate spiders. I cry when I see them

      • Val

        Lol Stop it.

        • AKA The Sauce

          It’s not cool….i have a paralyzing fear of them. I have been a victim too many times. And 8 legged freaks did make me cry

          • Val

            Awww. *eHUG*

      • I Came I Saw

        Be brave, Guy. Keep in mind that they probably cry when they realize they’re being swallowed.

        • AKA The Sauce

          Phrasing?

          • I Came I Saw

            I’m tryna elevate YOUR spirits, man.

            • AKA The Sauce

              You still the fam

        • BrothasKeeper

          Savage level: VAL

          • I Came I Saw

            One can only aspire to such heights.

    • JennyJazzhands

      This is why I sleep wrapped up in several blankets like a burrito.
      My family and friends talk about me so bad. When I don’t show up to stuff they be like,
      “is the baby coming?”
      “Nah, you know she already in her cocoon.”

      • Val

        Lol @ is the baby coming

        • JennyJazzhands

          I’m in my thirties but you know how families are. I’m an only child and my grandparents only grandchild, aunts and uncles only niece. So, unfortunately, I’ll be the baby until I have a baby.

    • BrothasKeeper
      • I Came I Saw

        Betta close your mouth, BK.

        • BrothasKeeper

          But when I’m in bed sometimes it’s open because *REDACTED*

          • I Came I Saw

            I lack the life experience necessary to make sense of this sentence. So I’m gonna need you to fill in the blanks. Sir.

            • BrothasKeeper

              Well, whenever I *PLEASE INSERT CARD TO CONTINUE*

    • Robert Dotson

      I researched it. Not true at all. Your welcome…Happy nospidereating friday!!!

  • Dustin John Seibert

    There’s nothing I dont effs with on terra firma like I dont effs with centipedes.

    Aint scared of cops
    Ain’t scared of death
    Ain’t scared of God
    Ain’t scared of my mama (anymore)

    But I dont effs with centipedes.

  • Brown Rose

    Plentiful bugs, slugs, lizards, and rodents here. Cockroaches are just gross on many levels. Its the crunching sound I can’t stand.

  • Catfish Jenkins

    My brother used to regale me of stories in Jamaica, where he’d be thirsty at night and go to the fridge for water, and a roach be holding the fridge door open, looking inside undecided on what to eat (apparently they grow big there). Roach be like “A wha yuh want?”, and my bro would be like “Nah, I’m good”.

    • Brown Rose

      Palmetto bugs. Roaches so big and that fly you thought a B-52 bounced off your forehead.

      • Looking4Treble

        Yep. In college in SC, we used to catch one flying by if we were late for class. Their cruising speed was Mach 1, or at least that is what it looked like when they dive bombed you from the pine trees on the quad.

        • Brown Rose

          Ugh….Yup its like humans were target practice.

    • panamajackson

      The imagery legit made me laugh.

      When I was in college, I lived in an apartment up the street from my house off of MLK. The name of the complex was called Gates Park Crossing, though we affectionately called it Kosovo. Anyway, in my mind, I’d made a deal with the roaches, they had the midnight to 6am run of the house, we had the rest of the time. It worked real well til I rolled into the kitchen, forgetting about our gentleman’s agreement, and saw a cascade of roaches near my fridge. I’d like to say I did something about it. I didn’t. I apologized and went back to sleep. I then prayed they’d forgive me. I’m happy to report to the deacon board, that they did.

      • I Came I Saw

        Naw PJ, you gotta kill the biggest one and leave its corpse to send a message to the others. THAT’S YOUR CRIB.

        • I killed a roach once and went to get something to pick it up. When I came back other roaches were eating the squashed parts of their dead homie. They some savages.

        • Val

          Like on The Wire when the Bunk told Jimmy about how he shot a mouse and was going to leave it there to send a message to the other mice. Lol

          • I Came I Saw

            That’s real. Especially since they say the scent of one dead roach can attract a bunch more. You have to let them know what time it is.

          • Melissa

            That was the first thing I thought of too!!!! Poor Nadine lost a dress shoe in that mess too, lest we forget.

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        • lkeke35

          Nah, thas aaiight! I don’t wanna end up half eaten, in a ditch somewhere, three days later.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        “I apologized and went back to sleep.”

        Hold on. You’re not going to skip over this part. You should have ran out the house screaming! There is no way I’m going to see a pile of roaches and climb back into bed hoping they’ll be gone by the morning.

      • LMAO @ “I apologized and went back to sleep” I mean…what else can you do?! Once when living with my stepmom I forgot about the “don’t come in here after dark” agreement I had with the roaches regarding bathroom trips…turned the lights on…and the sheer CHAOS of a thousand roaches scattering and scurrying trying to find a dark crevice just made me turn those lights back off, and get back in the bed…legs crossed of course.

        • Simms~

          I have that thing where I can’t see holes bunched close together or like insects swarming on an object – so this would have made be retch and possibly burn down said bathroom.

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            It is called Trypophobia. I have that phobia too.

            • Simms~

              So you understand the pain. Even writing about it is making my breath catch.

            • BatmansExWife

              no no nooooooooooo

          • It was awful. THE WORST. I was never in a position of living in an infested home…cause my mom didn’t play those games. But my father married an ACTUAL louse -__- her home was like the Boom Boom Room for roaches. They just would be up in there partying. Hanging out in cereal boxes…going for a swim in your kool-aid. It was anarchy! I lowkey never forgave my mother for making me spend the summer there when I was 8.

            I was like “My mom…has forsaken me!”

            • Simms~

              Sounds like a legit reason for holding a grudge.

            • Jae Starz

              Ugh! I have a relative whose house was similar to that. Roaches everywhere! Opened the microwave and they were in there with solar suits! I’m itching just thinking about it.

              • Simms~

                Not solar suits. DED.

              • _uncategorized

                My 7th grade best friend had a TV where the channel was displayed below the screen digitally. She had a roach that lived INSIDE the numbers. We watched him all day just crawling on the 2 and posing on the 5 for at least a year.

              • LMAO not the solar suits! SMH my step-mother’s house should be considered some kind of biohazard. I mean…HOW do you get that many roaches in ONE home?

            • Shanté Akheia

              “the Boom Boom Room for roaches” ?

          • Lea Thrace

            trypophobia is what you have. DO NOT GOOGLE IT. FOR THE LOVE OF JEHOVAH DO NOT.

            (i have it too)

            • BatmansExWife

              noooooooooooo! I as well.

              Now I feel nasty.

            • Simms~

              Fear not, I was NEVER in danger of making that mistake *shudders*

            • Lex

              i just started itching at the mention of it

            • Kat

              I’m going to be sick…just sick

              • Lea Thrace

                I TOLD YOU NOT TO GOOGLE IT!

                • lkeke35

                  For the love of all that is holy, DON’T GOOGLE IT!

            • lkeke35

              I second this.
              Have you ever discovered a phobia you had no feckin idea that you had?

          • RaeRae

            same

      • Catfish Jenkins

        Roaches were probably like – “Dis niqqa here…”

      • Miles

        A cascade?? LMAO

      • The image of you apologizing and turning around is killing me!! It’s funny- living here in Florida, EVERYBODY says that you will live with roaches…. BULLSHYT. I saw one.. Called Terminix and they come faithfully every Saturday… Dude told me they were gone… Guess who doesn’t gaf?

        https://media.giphy.com/media/rqAvKPtFb4i2c/giphy.gif

      • Diego Duarte

        Every man is a fortress of stoicism and manliness.

        Until the roaches start flying….

    • miss t-lee

      We have big flying waterbugs here.
      They’ll punk you real quick.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Don’t NOT kill it on the first try. They will get brolic and come for you.

        • miss t-lee

          Oh girl. Trust I know. Them b*tches will fly right at your face.

          • OweMeOne Kenobi

            Water bugs and cicadas. Make you become a kung fu expert immediately.

            • miss t-lee

              IMMEDIATELY.

            • Blueberry01

              I.Hate.Cicadas.

            • SororSalsa

              In the DC area, we have the 13 and 17-year cicadas. Thankfully those suckers don’t come out for years, and they’re usually just confused and barely alive. If one flies into you, it’s just because they’re blind and trying to find another cicada to bump legs with before their 21-day lives are over. I can forgive that.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        Thank God I haven’t seen any flying water bugs or roaches in Houston…yet

        • miss t-lee

          You’ve been lucky.

    • LMAO I can NOT

    • Cocokitten

      Yep. Sounds like a Jamaican roach. I went to a friend’s house once and slept over. I went into the kitchen that night and saw a huge cockroach scurry under the dish drainer. I never ate or drink anything fr that house for the next 2 days

      • Catfish Jenkins

        Not even the Shower Posse would fcuk with the roaches.

        • Cocokitten

          Nope. We should use the roaches to solve crime over here.

    • Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!! lmao

    • L8Comer

      The same roach has lived in my cousins bathroom for at least 10 years. It’s massive. Like the size of a mouse. And it flies. But he’s pretty chill.

      • BYE!

        • L8Comer

          Lolol that’s how it is sometimes in the tropics. One big flying roach makes a home. it’s so odd cuz I have only even seen 1. Never 2 or more

    • Lady Legasus

      When I was 5 I flew to Guyana with my mom for a funeral. Now being just a young lass I was asleep when we arrived, long flight from NYC, and was awoken in my auntie’s house by the biggest flying roach EVER! To this day the story of my screams are still told around family tables as a warning to not fuq with things you don’t know about in the jungle. She lived out in the country and Guyana is right on the Amazon for those who don’t know.

      • OMG one was in the shower with me when I went, but my aunt lives in Georgetown. Terrifying ish.

  • Skegeeaces

    I need the spouse to come in like a SWAT team with a can of raid ahead of me if I see a bug. Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. Before marrying, not being able to take care of bugs cause you’re scared was a DEAL…BREAKER. We can’t both be ridiculous, standing on chairs screamin’.

    • LOL exactly. Someone has to lead in this strength…and I called “NOT IT” IN ’88 SO…….you it bruh

      • Skegeeaces

        Not ’88! LOLOL I love it.

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    Top three bugs that I think are f*ckin scary:
    1. Stinkbugs
    2. Daddy Long Legs
    3. Silverfish

    • Cicadas.. I leave them the F alone.

      • miss t-lee

        I’ve never even seen a cicada, I’ve just heard them.

        • nillalatte

          Girl, how? In TN, they were so thick they lined the roads with their carcasses. Hated those damn things. One got up my pants leg once when I went outside at work. I went running to the women’s room starting to take off my clothes on the way! My supervisor was a bit surprised how fast I could come out of my pants! ;) LOL

          • “My supervisor was a bit surprised how fast I could come out of my pants!”
            Respect…

          • miss t-lee

            We just don’t see them. Seriously. I know they are there, but never encountered one.

          • KCG

            *fellow Tennessean waves at you*

        • Me either.

          • miss t-lee

            Something comforting about the sound though. Let’s me know it’s summer for real.

            • I like the sound too.

              • miss t-lee

                *daps*

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        2003-2004 was he ll! Them damm things are annoying.

    • SilverFish (How they got such a nice name is BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION) are the freaking DEVIL :( OMG I hate them.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        The friggin devil! A friend of mine watched a silverfish crawl around her apartment because she was too lazy to get up and kill it. I obviously need new friends lol.

        • Nah. I’ve left my own house because of losing sight of one of those before it was killed.

          I legit was like “Umm…I have somewhere to be that’s not here”

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            We here. I’ve stayed at a friend’s house before because of the same thing. I will never understand how folks can live with roaches, bed bugs, any kind of bugs in their home. That would put me under so much stress

            • LOL yea I don’t get how ppl just LIVE with roach infestations. LIKE #HowSway?! Who has the answers to this question?

    • tiggatae

      OMG! Silverfish are the reason I’m trying to figure my way out of the 30 year loan!

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