Featured, Theory & Essay

I’m A Grown Ass Man and I Do Not Fuck With Bugs And Such.

I’d like to tell you a story. Can I tell you a story? I’m going to tell you a story.

The other morning as I prepared for the day to be a good day, while taking my morning constitutional, reading the stories that populate my “News” app, and generally enjoying a few moments of peaceful reflection, I looked to my right and nearly had a heart attack.

Right next to my trash can looked to be a spider. And not just a run of the mill daddy long legs, no, this was the Kraken of spiders. It was the size of Kanye’s ego. It was huge. I’d never seen a spider this big before. And then when I came down from the realization that everybody in my house was going to die at the hands of this spider if I didn’t step into the arena with it, I realized that he was maybe the size of a quarter, but big enough to make me consider moving.

After finishing what I presumed to be my last constitutional, I walked towards this violator, prepared to throw hands and anything I could find at him and hope that my aim would be true lest he decide to attack me as my family heard my dying screams before they too were eaten by this quarter-sized spider. Fortunately, it turned out that the intruder wasn’t a spider after all, but a furry piece of some stuffed animal that one of my children decided to use to prank me. That’s the determination I came to because why ELSE would this piece of fur that was spider shaped be resting still in this place if not for the sole purpose of scaring the bejesus out of me? Kids, man.

See, I don’t do bugs. Actually, let’s be more accurate: As the man in the house, I’ve killed more bugs than I care to remember. Not that my home is infested, its just that if there IS a bug in the house, I recognize it as my manly duty to be the person who disposes of said bug with as little attention and disruption to the peaceful decorum as possible.

I just prefer not to do bugs. Roaches. Spiders. Waterbugs. Anything that looks like it might murder me then laugh is out. I respect them. And I realize circle of life and shit. Fuck that. I hate bugs. Bugs don’t respect the natural order of things, or my mortgage. I pay it. They don’t. Yet every so often I’ll be doing something peaceful and innocuous like reading the Bible or clipping my toenails and something will move in the background. I’ll look and nothing is moving. I go back to Joshua fitting the battle of Jericho or the toe jam and then something moves again and now I have to address it. I hate addressing it. Spiders in particular.

Some years ago, I took my daughter to this lizard and reptile show in Alexandria, Virginia, and they also brought along a spider that I’m pretty sure would eat everybody reading this. My uncles used to have tarantulas in Michigan until they disappeared into the basement, at which point I never went back to visit. They also had a boa constrictor that ALSO got out. Zookeepers they were not, my uncles. In my heart, I like to think that the tarantula and boa ate each other, restoring balance back to the universe.

Back to this spider. So they’re showing lizards and shit, then they pull out this big ass spider, that no lie, was probably the size of Shaquille O’Neal. Okay, maybe Shaq’s hand. Point is, this thing was big enough that if you saw it in your house, you’d absolutely leave and potentially burn your house down, fine collectibles and family heirlooms and all. You’d be afraid that if something that big was in your house, is there another one? Noap.

To quote the Double X Posse, I’m not gon’ be able to do it.

I went on stage and the animal person put this spider on his hand and I almost lost it. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

But she did and I decided that, sorry, but she was not my kind of girl.  More sorry, not sorry.

I grew up in urban areas which means that bugs weren’t exactly foreign to my life. They’re everywhere. That’s fine. As long as they do them and I do me then it’s all gravy. I feel the same way about rodents.

Listen, if we’re sitting down watching Netflix, say we’re watching episodes of Greenleaf or something, and a mouse scurries along the baseboard of the wall. First, we will both be jumping onto the couch. I promise you that. THEN, if you’re a woman, you might be inclined to expect me to go into Man-Mode and attempt to catch, kill, and dispose of said mouse. And I promise you that my response would be, “maybe he’ll leave.” And I will resume watching whatever it is that we were watching. I promise.

I’ve never had to confront a rat. I will never confront a rat. But if a rat shows up in my house – and I have no idea why this would be a thing – I’m calling the police. Straight up. And they better send the fire department, too. 500 Degreez.

Point is, I just used a wee bit over 900 words to tell you that I’m a grown ass man who hates bugs and tiny (THEY’RE ALL ACTUALLY HUGE) things that crawl. Because sharing is caring. Um, look out for Detox.

You’re welcome.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • MsCee

    “Yet every so often I’ll be doing something peaceful and innocuous like reading the Bible or clipping my toenails and something will move in the background.” If this ain’t the gospel….Lawd, whyyyyyyy do they always have to pop up on you…hayle, you in my house, the least you can do in announce yourself.

  • Holy Room

    I see you also scared. Who did you text your fears to?

    • miss t-lee

      YOU KNOW WHAT?!

  • Zil Nabu

    If it flies, it dies. No exceptions. When I was a kid I used to run through gnat swarms while clapping my hands and then count how many dead bodies were splattered on my hands. Aahhh, the good old days.

    • miss t-lee

      This made me think of catching lightning bugs!

      • JennyJazzhands

        I hop you didn’t catch them like that. lol

        • miss t-lee

          We used to catch them in jars. Poke holes in the top, then set em free.

          • Bushido Brown

            My sister would catch lightning bugs and tear their bottoms off. I knew from that day she wasn’t right.

            • miss t-lee

              My brother used to do that. Smear the stuff across his shirt so it would glow.

    • Robert Dotson

      SAVAGE

    • KCG

      Ain’t playin no games! ?

  • miss t-lee

    I don’t do bugs, or dirt–which is pretty much why I hate being outside.
    I especially hate when the outside decides to try to mosey its bytch azz up inside my house. Like a few weeks back I got bit by a scorpion, in my house. I was livid. I literally cussed that thing out, called it everything but a child of the most High King, smashed it into bits, and flushed it down the toilet. That then set off an entire cycle of me checking every nook and cranny of my place for any other possible scorpions.
    Bugs and sh*t. I don’t do them.

    • Man I love dirt. Love the way that sh*t smells.

      • miss t-lee

        I like the outside in very small doses. We have amazonian mosquitoes and I’m allergic.

        • That makes sense then. I know people with mosquito allergies and it’s real. I’m shocked that I don’t have lime disease or something considering how much we played in the woods.

          • miss t-lee

            It is *SO* real.
            I always thought the huge swellings I got from the bites were normal as a kid. Later found out they aren’t.

            • I find sand gnats to be more bothersome.

              • miss t-lee

                Those are terrible too.

      • Val

        I love the smell of fresh cut grass. But dirt?

        • It’s something about the smell of freshly tilled or plowed soil with a slight hint of diesel fumes in the air, Val. One of the best part of working with plants is getting it under your nails.

    • Val

      Man, the southwest is dangerous bug/ spider/ snake wise. I mean, we have all those things here but ours aren’t poisonous. And those brown spider things. Nope.

      • I don’t think the southwest is as bad as the southeast. SC is pretty bad but Florida is like America’s Australia. Everything will kill you. Somewhere George Zimmerman is lurking outside of and outlet mall riding a giant python and carrying a pistol and a mason jar of Zika carrying mosquitoes.

        • Val

          True but they have rattle snake, Brown spiders and scorpions in the southwest. All poisonous. Very poisonous.

          • True. I’m just saying the biggest species of rattlers live this way. They aren’t as terrible as water moccasins.

          • nillalatte

            I moved about six months ago. We’ve found 2 scorpions so far. Since I’ve been in the desert, I’ve only found 4, thankfully none in my shoes. That’s not a bad track record. :)

      • miss t-lee

        Just make sure you don’t stick your hand or foot anywhere you can’t see clearly, and you’re good.
        I broke that rule and got bit.

    • KCG

      Scorpions??? *gulps*

      • miss t-lee

        Yup. It was not cool.

  • Hugh Akston

    “I went on stage and the animal person put this spider on his hand and I almost lost it. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”

    I did that to my sister and an ex

    Why?

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/herman-cain-smile.gif

  • Ess Tee

    I don’t do bugs or creepy crawlies or rodents (fuck a squirrel! Especially the ones out here that tourists and wypipo love to feed).

    I don’t do bugs so much that my own hair–strands of hair that I balled up after wash day and tossed into the bathroom bin–has scared the heyll out of me when I’ve seen it on the side of the bin and not inside the bin.

    • Holy Room

      You serving tuh-day!!! You look lovely.

      • Ess Tee

        Thank you!

        • BrothasKeeper

          *biggafies image and ogles from a reasonable distance* Who you tryna pull? I saw Hugh in another thread.

          • Ess Tee

            Issa distraction, BK!

            • BrothasKeeper

              Clearly!

    • I stay getting tricked by a ball from yesterday’s twist out in the shower lol

      • Ess Tee

        All. The. Time.

  • Diego Duarte

    Used to have a deathly fear of spiders. Got over it somehow. The most WTF encounter with one I’ve had was a time I woke up and I had one of the motherfuckers weaving a web in the space between my upper arm and my forearm.

    As in, legit weaving a web for catching things. I was too offended by the thought that this spider was claiming my personal space as its property to be properly scared of it. I chucked it out the window on account of this bad piece of comedy.

    • Kat

      Bruh…he woulda had that bed or couch.

    • panamajackson

      #bishwhet? so disrespectful.

    • miss t-lee

      NOPE.

    • Zil Nabu
    • Simms~

      Like how long were you asleep? Cause no, does not compute. I would never be able to take another shut eye in that place.

      • Diego Duarte

        I was asleep in my bed, I woke up one morning and found it right there. There was a huge tree right outside my window, with a branch that sometimes protruded and grew inside, so I imagine it just crawled in during the night.

    • Skegeeaces

      The GALL! F that spider!

      • Diego Duarte

        It had to nerve to pause its weaving to stare back at me, and then it continued weaving.

        “Oh don’t mind me, just doing my thing.”

        NO.

        • Skegeeaces

          Wooooow! Dead spider a’comin’!

    • DameloSuave

      Let me tell you how that branch, tree, and possibly bed would be razed to the ground. On my arm, niQQa? Nawl.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7e2f52033d0b4701f45348111958d0a4946aa773210905af5f1c2b963a5a9c4e.jpg

    • Brown Rose

      Uhm…..WTF man!

    • Glo

      Woke up about six months ago to find an intricate web between my hair and my headboard. I’m still not okay.

      • Diego Duarte

        This puts my experience in perspective. Imagine if that sh*t had laid eggs on your hair.

        • Glo

          I’d have to shave my head.

          • Simms~

            Sounds legit.

            • Kat

              Straight legit…

        • Robert Dotson

          BRUHHhhhhhhhhhh…

          • Diego Duarte

            It’s happened in the 50s though, back in the day when women got perms and didn’t wash their hair for days. My grandparents told me of a news story broadcasted in the radio back in the day. Some woman was complaining that her hair itched and her head hurt. Few days later she dies and during the autopsy they find that she had had a nest with black widows on her hair.

            • nubianqueenbeez

              I heard that story too…

    • MsCee

      What an entitled little spider…took the #spiderprivilege a little too far that time

    • E_Deshon

      Wtf do you live?

      • Diego Duarte

        This was Galveston.

  • Bugs, I couldn’t care less unless they are where I sleep or eat. Now wasps on the other hand… If the winged beast trespasses, we must fight to the death or I get an owie. I don’t even buy the wasp spray. I roll up a newspaper or magazine and turn in to Maximus at the Colosseum.

    • BrothasKeeper

      All.
      Wasps.
      Must.
      Die.

    • KCG

      I spray disinfectant! It’s so wasteful, but effective. ?

  • Kat

    My thought process is simple. If it wanted to live it should have stayed outside. You come up in here, you dying. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but my goal is your death. I feel okay about that.

    • miss t-lee

      Seriously. My sister got mad at me because I killed a cricket in my house, talking about I should’ve caught it and set it free.
      I was like, did we grow up in the same house?

      • MsCee

        I came back from Galveston on year…my granny told my a$$ to make sure my suit case stayed zipped up to avoid any unwanted guests…didn’t listen…got home to unpack and the BIGGEST, BLACKEST, water bug in all of history popped out and started flying around the dayum room…my granny had the greatest laugh of her life -___- then finally killed it. Chile, I got chills just talking about it again.

        • miss t-lee

          GIRL. I started itching reading this story.

      • Kat

        Stop going to her house. She obviously living with more than two legged humans. She probably naming them.

        Wave from across the yard at the family reunion and tell Aunty nem why

        • miss t-lee

          Nah…lol She’s a neat freak which is why it was extra funny to me.

    • Keisha

      Bugs outside are whatever, that’s your place. Bugs inside are rude and need to take themselves outside or face the consequences. You can’t show up unannounced and uninvited and act like that’s ok.

    • Looking4Treble

      Agreed. Exterminate with extreme prejudice.

    • lkeke35

      Yep! If I didn’t invite you in, and you ain’t paying rent, you gonna die. Cockroaches, spiders, people. I do not care.

      • mi

        i died at “people”

    • Melissa

      Seriously!! My house is super old and some centipedes thought they’d continue to squat in my basement, even AFTER I did a big reno…..first of all, everyone knows when the premises get upgraded, the rent goes up and I didn’t see these mofos dragging any quarters in. BYE.

      • Kat

        Dragging no quarters…lmbao Ain’t no one living for free up in here!

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      I pay the rent! Not you! Whoever doesn’t (roach) can GTFO

  • I don’t like bugs either, or lizards for that matter. Just thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.

More Like This