I Don’t Want Kids, But I Do Want You To Stop Asking Me Why I Don’t Have Kids » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

I Don’t Want Kids, But I Do Want You To Stop Asking Me Why I Don’t Have Kids

ABC screenshot

 

Apparently, I’m a do nothin’ bitch because I’m pushing 35 and haven’t fulfilled my womanly obligation to have kids. That’s right, I have zero desire to populate the earth, and it seems at least 68% of the people I know have an issue with this. Sadly, a portion of this demographic includes individuals who share my bloodline. I’m convinced at one point or another some of my kinfolk have believed that I’m a lesbian (nttawwt), and I’m pretty sure someone referred to me as “spinster”-adjacent once.

That said, I often feel compelled to make snarky rebuttals to those who attempt to belittle my personal choices because, well, my vagina. I couldn’t care less about them thinking I’m bitter.

“Oh, why don’t you want to have children??”

“Because I don’t want them continuing to live with me 27 years later like yours do.”

But I realize voicing these thoughts might embarrass the life-force out of someone, so I hold my tongue.

Don’t’ get me wrong, I have eight — yes, eight — godkids, and I love them like Olivia Pope loves White men with four-letter first names. But I want to be able to give them back. Cause ain’t nobody payin’ all that damn college tuition. By my estimation, it takes a minimum of a million dollars to raise a single child, and frankly, I have lavish habits that I need to support. And none of them require feeding and watering a living being for 18 years.

Real shit, I think more people in my predicament should be rewarded. But honestly, when’s the last time that happened to someone single with no kids? When’s the last time the government rewarded you with free groceries for being single? You think I’ve ever been gifted a pair of Manolos or even a pizza for paying my rent the first of the month while paying taxes to support other people’s children at the same damn time? Nah, bruh. Nah.

Seriously though, this is a deeply personal question, and the reasons the inquiring individual has settled on in their evidently non-critically thinking mind could be all the wrong ones. Women are not always out here waiting on Prince Charming to create a scenario where we’re barefoot and pregnant. Sometimes we have fertility issues or deeper internal struggles as to why kids are off the table for us. Other times, we merely have no interest. Regardless, a woman’s plans for her reproductive organs are nobody’s fucking business but her own.

Let’s focus on the fact that voluntarily childless women are free to do all types of amazing shit. Like travel unencumbered, have sex that’s not prescheduled, and own a house full of white furniture and white walls. And then make travel plans while having sex on our white futons. Because let’s be real here. Being party to having a child means worry until one of you dies. Trust me, I know these things. My mother still asks me stuff like, “Does that taser I gave you work?” …Well, shit, I haven’t had to use it, mom, but I certainly hope so.

Filed Under: , ,
Lelita Cannon

Lelita Cannon is a PSA-specialist and anti-fuckery advocate. She lives by the adage, “I ain’t no killa, but don’t push me." She also is the creator and editor-in-chief of www.listentolita.com and the blog, Diva Style.

  • uNk

    ” have chex that’s not prescheduled”

    You know I can’t quite put my finger on it, but theres something about a woman setting an alarm at 4:15am to promptly wake me up and say “its time to have chex, _____ will be up in like an hour,” that just doesnt currently sit well with me right now.

    Maybe it was just her delivery that was off-putting.

    • camilleblu

      wow…sets an alarm??? shiiiiit…the way my body chemistry is set up….

      • uNk

        Im saying….like look, I can catch you in the shower when we are both getting ready

    • Ashia Sims

      That makes it sound like a decidedly unsexy “to do” item.

    • LadyIbaka

      Ever thought of having Iyanla over to fix this situation, beloved?

      • camilleblu

        DEAD

      • Lol I ain’t waking up at 4am to do a damb thing outside of peeing/pooping. Unless I’m already awake, I’m not fugging nothing.

        • QuirlyGirly

          Unless I am awoken (I’m using this wrong but you get it) by a very sessy dream at 4AM and want to get it on then fine but to schedule relations at that time is a no go.

          Sings* Can’t go for that, noo, no can do

          • Even then, I’ll wait to a respectable hour for sessy time. 4am is pushing it.

            • PhlyyPhree

              There are times when 4 am loving is the biz….but never because it’s the only time I could get the biz. NAWL

      • haute_coutoy

        LMAOO

    • Pinks

      I ain’t setting an alarm, but I dang sure have told hubby to put the football game to record so we could get it in before the baby woke up. Worked like a charm too.

  • Kelz

    Yaaaaaaaaassssss!!!!!!! Thank you for speaking my life!

  • DBoySlim

    Thank you! I feel this 100%. I’m a man and I get this all the time, especially from my coworkers. Everyone wants me to pop out some babies but I’m good. I’ve also noticed that there is a penalty for being single and childless.

    • LadyIbaka

      Didn’t know men are pressured too on this topic.

      • DBoySlim

        I’m 32 with no kids. It happens all the time.

      • Whys_Words

        Miss Ibaka I’d go as far as to say that we are pressured just the same from family and friends (with kids).

        • LadyIbaka

          This is news to me. I thought men had it easier.

          • Epsilonicus

            Noooooooooooope! Not at all.

          • Asiyah

            They certainly don’t. It’s just that since women have a certain timeline and men don’t share that, people are “louder” with us. But I know from men over the age of 40 that eventually the pressure starts to be even for both genders.

      • Before my dad died that was the first question of every conversation.

        • LadyIbaka

          ???!

          • LadyIbaka

            Why are you so fooiiine? Like that white has me at here’s my number, call me maybe. Do you stare at the mirror for long? I encourage you to do so.

            • I think it’s the melanin. Are you encouraging me to be a narcissist?

              • LadyIbaka

                You can be whatever you like, honey. ?

                • Well today I’m gonna behave and be married.

                  • Lea Thrace

                    Dang it. I had my popcorn ready to watch the hot mess that was surely going to unfold.

                    • PhlyyPhree

                      RIGHT????!?!?!
                      I was bout to set up a stand and start selling “Mami the Messenger” merchandise.

                    • camilleblu

                      “Mami the Messenger”

                      you betta trademark that real quick

                  • LadyIbaka

                    Do just dat!

      • Furious Styles

        Yup. In my experience the pressure would be from my mother and grandmother(s). They eventually eased up when I explained my reasons (and they reflected on their own lives). The pressure is there, but not like for women. The women in my life reported the pressure coming from errrrbody…ALL the time. Like, “when are you having kids?” ummm, excuse me, we’re at a funeral?

    • QuirlyGirly

      What is the penalty?

      • Aly

        At work, people expect you to be able to stay late or work weekends. Basically, parents (especially new parents) are cut a lot of slack because they have “more” responsibility than single, childless people.

        • jazzyLia

          dang… I forgot about that, too. Keep listing these penalties and I’m gonna start side-eyeying parents (not really)

          • Aly

            You should! It’s not really fair. Single people have lives, too!

        • Pinks

          I can attest to this totally. I do have a lot more leeway now than I did before the boys came.

          I say charge that to the game. I get to come in late cus the baby was sick while you get to go to all the happy hours. We’re even lol

          • Aly

            Haha I can see that.

          • Epsilonicus

            High five!!

            And childless women don’t get the career penalty that mothers get

        • miss t-lee

          Yeah, you gotta set the precedent early, because they’ll surely try to take advantage.

          • Aly

            Every chance they get.

            • miss t-lee

              Yup. I have no problem putting my foot down.
              Just because I don’t have a family right now, doesn’t mean you’re about to work me to death…lol

        • DBoySlim

          You also have paternity/maternity leave. I have to take up the slack cuz somebody couldn’t pull out. FOH

          • Lol I never thought about this.

          • Aly

            Lol. As someone who’s getting ready to take up the slack for a coworker on paternity leave, I can relate to this.

            • DBoySlim

              I should just be leave. You get an allotted amount of time and take it for whatever. I want three months(which is totally not enough) off too.

              • Aly

                That’s sounds fair to me :-)

            • Do single people get “I just want these 6 weeks off because I deserve it” leave??

              • Aly

                I wish. But keep in mind that maternity/paternity leave isn’t paid at most companies.

                • Oh really?? America is terrible! Many European countries give women (and sometimes men) paid leave.

              • Pinks

                Nope, but they get FMLA, which allows you to take 12 weeks of unpaid leave for an illness of your own or to take care of a family member. Not a “because I deserve it” reason, but it’s there

              • I think that’s called “holiday” – they don’t do that in this country :(

              • Guest

                Having to take care of a newborn is not a vacation…..if you have a sick family member you need to take care of you get family leave.

                • I never said it was a vacation nor did I imply being a new parent was easy.

    • jazzyLia

      Please enlighten us to this penalty. I’m 33 and childless and if there is something out there I need to watch out for… lemme know

      • Lea Thrace

        taxes

        • jazzyLia

          oh yeah…. earned income credits and ish

    • Nick Peters

      For tax purposes…yes

      • DBoySlim

        Taxes, insurance, registration costs(family discounts)etc.

  • CrayolaGirl

    Love everything about this post!

    Recently, my 67 yr old aunt explained to me all the methods i can use to have a baby for…..my mother! Apparently, my job is to make my mother a grandmother since I’m an only child. Convo ended with me saying “IF (and that’s a big IF) I have a baby, it will because I want to have a baby”. I really wanted to say GTentireFOHWTBS!

    • DBoySlim

      That’s the height of selfishness. No owes you a child. I’d cuss my folks clean out if they came at me like that.

      • CrayolaGirl

        I just chalk it up to my aunt being old.

    • Nick Peters

      The speech I got from my uncle (by marriage) about having kids because it is my duty to bring more people into this world to serve God…

      • There’s more than enough heathen to recruit in the land of the living for that purpose.

      • CrayolaGirl

        Oh, she worked that in there too. SMH

  • Ashia Sims

    People stay inquiring about my uteral situation. I’ve even had guys work that into the conversation when we first meet. And that’s one surefire way to talk yourself out of access to my lady bits. You don’t know me like that, man. It’s just rude.

  • TJ

    I know so many people who don’t want children. They go through this ALL the time. I’m undecided about kids myself.

    I haven’t been asked this yet, because I’m still getting asked, “When are you going to get a boyfriend?” and “Why don’t you have someone to share your life with?” OH WHALE. Lol.

    • jazzyLia

      I feel like the “why don’t you have a bf/gf questions are the beginning of a backhanded compliment

      • TJ

        It’s the #1 backhanded compliment. Lol. My family literally doesn’t care about my independence and career anymore. Now, my devout Catholic of a mother is lowkey saying that if I have children out of wedlock…she wouldn’t even be mad, because time is ticking. Mind you, I just turned 26 last week.

        • Charles Johnson

          belated happy bday.

          • TJ

            Thanks! I’m trying not to disappoint my mother for another year. Lol.

      • Charles Johnson

        i never considered it a backhanded compliment, but now i’m gonna see every girl who asks me that with suspect eyes.

  • jazzyLia

    insensitive mofos: “Lia, why don’t you have any kids?”
    me: “Why should I?”
    insensitive mofos: …

    • Knowing multiple people who have struggled to get pregnant or who have lost pregnancies I understand that people might be trying but it just hasn’t been working as fast as they might like. I don’t ever ask anyone about children. Newly married couples go through this often I’ve heard. I just don’t ask unless the person in question let’s me know they’re pregnant.

      • jazzyLia

        Right. My BFF had to have a complete hysterectomy at 18. Sad things is, as a teenager she could not wait to get married and have a whole gaggle of children. She gets asked all the time why she doesn’t have any and it upsets her every time.

        • People don’t understand how rude they sound because they think it’s this innocent inquiry. Not every woman/man is able to carry/make a child for whatever reason, be it medical or just personal preference. It’s really not your business anyway.

          • MSNY

            It is so rude. Married with no kids and it’s weird that people expect you to explain one of the most intimate decisions or non-decisions, as it is not even always an option for some women.

          • Yea it’s really intrusive. People don’t really understand because I think they just don’t think of it.

        • miss t-lee

          See…and this is why folks should mind their biz.

        • Man, that’s really sad :(

        • It doesn’t seem to dawn on these folks that they’re straight asking about someone’s chex life. It seems innocent enough because babies are cute and all that jazz, but no one (with tact anyway) would go up to another adult and ask, “So, did y’all get it in last night?”

          But that’s essentially the question.

  • QuirlyGirly

    For me when I tell people I don’t have kids, I get this look like “Really??” Then the “Why Not?”

    And because I don’t want any, I get the “What is wrong with you?” look.

    QG lubs the kids but she lubs them more when they are not hers.

    • Nothing like being able to give it back man. “ok…go ask ya mama”

  • Pinks

    i sympathize with women in this situation, but i can’t help but feel there’s usually a bit of snark/shade at mothers/parents thrown in there somewhere. like, i don’t need to be pitied because i sometimes wake up at 3 a.m. to put my boobs in a slobbering mouth NOT attached to a mustache. I made this choice and I’m glad with it, and I’m happy you’re content with yours.

    Being a parent is a BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG deal and far too many people take the responsibility too lightly. You’re legit in charge of making sure someone doesn’t grow up to kill people for fun, and that ain’t as easy as it seems, so I’m all for folks who realize they’re aren’t ready now or might not ever be ready to handle it.

    i just side-eye people who feel the need to be sooo dramatic about how horrible they think parenthood is. you modify your experience for your preferences and move on from there.

    • Jennifer

      No, it sounds like she knows it’s a big deal. Parents always tell you how big of a deal it is. (*just a little bit of snark there – teehee*) I respect your choice and struggle as a parent, but I also understand her frustration.

      • miss t-lee

        I mean, really. We know it’s a big deal…lol

        • Pinks

          you’d be surprised! lol

          folks dead out here having babies because they’re bored and think this is what they’re supposed to be doing at this point in life.

          • miss t-lee

            I know, and I hate it for them.
            I have a few in my family that want me to join on some “just because” sh*t.
            Like my grandmother always told us, “It’s more than a notion”, and I take that to heart.

    • I think people who don’t have kids think parenthood is horrible because…I mean even what you mentioned in your comment…y’all just make it sound like a drag. Who wanna wake up at 3am for some ol’ nonsense? (But you see…that’s why I don’t have kids. I”m sure I’d be annoyed at the whole situation)

      • Pinks

        I totally get that part. But personally, I’m gushing and downright gloating way more than complaining. For every time I’m like dang them kids wore me out, there are 9 more times where I’m talking about how beautiful, rewarding and fulfilling it is.

        Just man up and say you don’t want kids instead of saying I make it sound so bad you’ve been scared off. I wish everybody had the space to say and feel what they wanted without being judged.

        • PhlyyPhree

          I feel like a horrible parent.
          I LOVE my child. LOVE LOVE LOVE HER.

          But when I have single, childless friends lament to me over the fact that their wombs have not yet been inhabited or they haven’t found anyone to keep what they shot up in the club, I just don’t get it. I tell them to keep shooting for me because I’m at home cuddling over Daniel TIger and fruit snacks

          Parenting is cool, but it’s exhausting and sometimes, downright fucking horrible. I was prepared (well as prepared as one can get) to be responsible for another person, but this level of constant worry and…awareness. Yea, I’m still a little too selfish to enjoy that wholeheartedly.

          • Pinks

            you done said a word. we just met a couple who’s been married since january and they were gushing over our baby’s pics. the wife is sooooooo ready and the husband is like ummm can we have some more fun first?

            they asked for advice, so i told em wait as long as possible because you will never again have that sense of carefree you did before kids. you can find a sitter, they will eventually go away to school and find a mate, but you will ALWAYS have that awareness, like you said. you don’t get to turn off being a parent, and that’s one thing I’m actually grateful for.

            i also give it up to the single parents. with two of us in the same house,with two incomes, with a great foundation, it’s still the hardest thing we’ve both ever done. I can’t imagine not having him here.

            • PhlyyPhree

              Boyyyyyy
              Two parent homes( that work) are AMAZEEEEEE!
              I wish every child was born to one or adopted into one.
              I give it up to coupled parents because single parenting is hard and not something I chose, but at least I only have to worry about ONE other person.
              Worrying about a boo/husband/bae AND a child?
              I say I want that life, but sometimes I just be talking. Lol

            • MsSula

              As a married woman who’s been trying for kids, I give the exact opposite advice to my newly married people. Lolll. I was telling one of my younger friends to not put it off like we did. You never know what will be down the road and when stress over aging comes into the equation it compounds the worries.

              Our life experiences really impact our vision of how life should be. But like you said, it is great to give everyone the space to be and feel how they want to feel,

              • Pinks

                See…and again it all depends on your situation. We had our kids relatively young and don’t plan on having more, so we’re glad we “got it out of the way” so we can still have some youth left when they’re gone lol

                I have a cousin who waited a long time to have kids after getting rid of a couple, and now she and her husband are unable to conceive. Pretty heartbreaking, but they’re optimistic.

          • Fruit snacks are delicious.

        • Gibbous

          I am the 2nd eldest of 8 children and spent a good chunk of my twenties working at camps. I am quite happy to say that I don’t want children. Not because of fear, but because I’m good with babysitting and butwipeing nieces and nephews and then giving them back to their parents. Family is like the library. Sibs are happy to check their kids out to me as long as I return them before the due date.

      • CF Sista

        To be fair, for more than most people who don’t have kids, yes, parenthood is horrible, it’s tiresome, burdensome and not a blessing. (Yes, I’m one of those persons!) Another thing I dislike are those people who reply with “Well, it’s a good thing you DON’T have children!” Why? Because someone who is childfree may not like kids or think of pregnancy and repulsive and gross? No! We’re all human beings who have what is called choice, free will, and we have exercised a great deal of critical thinking when it came to our own reproductive choices.

    • Lakyn

      Most of that snark is in response to y’all, though. Y’all are the ones always bringing up the trials only to end it with “oh, but it’s so beautiful and worth it,” like…doesn’t seem like it when the FIRST thing you have to say every time you talk to me is how tired/dying you are taking care of this spawn.

      • Guest

        Spawn. It’s a child. Not a spawn. Don’t be an azzhole.

      • Pinks

        I wonder how much of that is relative to the child’s age though. When my kid was a newborn and waking up every two hours, of course I was tired and lamenting about it- because that’s what I was going through. Now that he’s older, I’m out of that funk and able to return to a bit more normalcy. Who are these perpetually tired, unfulfilled, non-sex having miserable parents y’all keep meeting?!

        Also, it seems like the “busy life occupier” that gets some of the most heat is children. Are people this disgusted when you’re tired/worn out because you’re in school, or pledging, or going through depression? Folks seem to have way less sympathy for parents than they do for a lot of other ish lol

    • Guest

      If you sh**t on people without kids, or you sh**t on people with kids, at the end of the day, it’s not about your life choices or the life choices of others. You’re probably just a Azzhole Biitch that’s a jerk about everything.

    • FOR THE WIN!! And it’s a “job” that you are never fully prepared for no matter how much you prepare for it!! I was that person that was about “me” but when I got pregnant.. Ish CHANGED, MAN and I’m better for it! My child made me REALLY cool and I was the business before but seeing your work manifest through a LIVING PERSON is some dope shiiiiiiiiit!

    • AlwaysCC

      someone always has something to say – there are the mommywars, the single v married, the parent v non-parent…it’s an endless battle. if everybody just focused on their own lives and what value they bring to the world, we’d all be in a better place. #opinionsarelikeazzholes

    • Now You can also earn alot of money per month…It’s easy you just have a internet connection and a p.c to earn money…Click below link for more details

      =========>>>> Check my account for more information
      sdfz

  • miss t-lee

    As I’m north of 35 I get these questions plenty.
    Frankly, it’s really no one’s business, and just downright rude.

    • Illumina

      Ain’t it though.

      the funny thing is if you decide to have a kids as a single black woman then you’d be the bane of society’s existence and the sole reason the black community it the way it is.

      You cannot win. Don’t have kids you suck. Have kids as a single woman you suck worse.

      • miss t-lee

        Exactly.

      • *shakes tambourine*

      • Guest

        I think there’s such a negative stigma attached to black women having children, that SOME not ALL black women add that to their list of accomplishments, I am educated, I have a great job and I am not creating more of those damn black kids all the ghetto girls keep putting out into the world, I’m exemplary!

      • Lea Thrace

        Let me add some money to the offering plate.

      • Furious Styles

        In other words, not a Queen.

More Like This