Featured, Sports

I Can’t Wait Until 16 Years From Now When Serena Williams’s Baby Beats Maria Sharapova Too

If you think it’s totally fucked up that Serena Williams would announce her pregnancy on the same day Maria Sharapova — the woman who still somehow out earns Serena in endorsements despite losing to her 18 consecutive times and getting exposed as a drug cheat — turned 30 (and, for the record, it totally, definitely, absolutely is fucked up, but oh well), just wait until 16 years from now if Serena has a daughter. And that daughter also becomes a prodigy, and enters the pro circuit at 15. And then faces Maria Sharapova, who’s extending her career in an effort to break Martina Navratilova’s record as the oldest player to win at Wimbledon (46). Imagine the headlines if Serena the Second beats Sharapova too.

“Sharapova Sonned By Mother And Daughter”

“Maybe Maria Might Beat The Granddaughter Or Niece Or Something One Day”

“Another Year, er, Decade, Another Loss To A Williams”

“Serena Junior Can’t Drive Yet, But Can Surf On Maria’s Tears”

Anyway, happy birthday Maria!

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Holy Room

    Congrats Serena. Missed your dry humor Champ, sincerely so.

  • AKA The Sauce

    Didn’t she win the open pregnant..hail to the queen

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Forever GOAT

      • AKA The Sauce

        Black girl magic is real

    • miss t-lee

      Indeed she did.

    • Jae Starz

      Shiiid I could barely make it to work on time and she was out there kicking ayeus and taking names later

  • HouseOfBonnets

    1. If timing is correct the baby was in development while Queen Serena was crushing it at the Australian Open (Slaying in the womb)

    2. A Grand Slam Title and a coveted spot in Blue’s future empire is automatically included in the babies birthright.

    The era of Asahd…. It’s real y’all https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a9adaf66ac1253a4b4544b46c56687b479a3cccebe70c9b2ace49f8b59cee46c.gif

    • Question

      …and first trimester morning sickness and hormones??? Certified GOAT.

      • Elijah Andreval Jones IV

        YES. not to mention she had a virus two years ago when she played the doper Maria and she still beat her in straight sets as she took time to vomit off the court.

    • Elijah Andreval Jones IV

      the fact that she played a fortnight of tennis and didnt drop a SINGLE SET while in the first trimester….

  • Zil Nabu
  • Sweet Potato Kai ?

    Petty!

  • Quirlygirly

    I approve of the pettiness displayed in this article. *evil laugh*

  • AKA The Sauce

    I laughed out loud “Serena Junior Can’t Drive Yet, But Can Surf On Maria’s Tears”

  • Diego Duarte

    This level of petty is how I like to start my mornings.

    • Quirlygirly

      It feels like the glorious rays of sunshine hitting my face

  • PinkRose

    As a big women’s tennis fan and occasional tennis player, I CAN’T STAND MARIA, NEVA’ HAVE, NEVA’ WILL!!

    AND I DESPISE her future BECKY a$$ daughters too! Da’ B**ch!

    • Dustin John Seibert

      Ha! ?

  • LadiDD

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