I Can’t Hold A Grudge To Save My Life, So Janet Hubert Is My New Grudge Goals » VSB

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I Can’t Hold A Grudge To Save My Life, So Janet Hubert Is My New Grudge Goals

I’ve been blessed with many talents.

I can eat eight buttermilk pancakes in one sitting. I can recite each of the lyrics from Jesus Christ Superstar on call and without instrumental assistance. I can see asses from the front even if they’re not fat. And I have an innate and uncanny gift for accidentally splashing a drop of pee on new Timberlands within 72 hours of buying them.

Unfortunately, holding grudges is not one of them. I’m a big-ass fucking softie when it comes to getting and staying mad at someone. Which I realize isn’t the worst attribute for someone — a Black man specifically — to possess. Ricky Baker would still be alive if it wasn’t for a grudge. But there are times I wished more things made me angry, and there are times that I wish I could conjure whatever I need to conjure to stay mad at someone longer than I usually do. It gets so bad that I’ve pretended to still be angry about something I just didn’t give a damn about anymore, because I recognized that a sufficient period of time hadn’t yet passed and the source of my displaced anger shouldn’t get off the hook so easily.

And so, on my lifelong journey to find some sort of escalating and instigating ideal, I appreciate Janet Hubert for the inspiration she continues to be. She is the Goat of Grudges, the High-Priestess of Petty, the Baron of Being Perpetually Bothered, the LaVar Ball of Inserting Yourself In Shit That Has Nothing To Do With Your Ass Anymore, and I wish to learn how she manages to keep the flame hot for so long.

Its been over two decades since Hubert was dismissed from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, where she clashed with Will Smith and subsequently accused him of sabotaging her career. Whether her admittedly damaging claims are true is something only Smith and Hubert know. But what everyone knows is that the fuck-deprived Blacktress’s vendetta has blessed us with phrases like “media ho” (which she called Alfonso Ribeiro and Stacey Dash) and “ass-wipe for Will” (which she also called Alfonso Ribeiro) and a template for how to grapple a grievance like a metal clip on an indoor rock climbing wall.

Real talk, she could actually be an inspiration for us against Donald Trump. Whenever the calls for us to resist and prevent him and his administration from being “normalized” appear too daunting, remember that Janet Hubert has been on a one-woman mission for 24 years and seems to have no intentions of letting up. At this point, she’s basically the Black Beatrix Kiddo.

Perhaps that’s the answer. Maybe the next time I really, really want to be mad at someone for doing something I think I should be really, really mad about but just aint, I’ll think of this picture.

freshprince-340x212

And the spirit of the jaded Blacktress will rise up in me like yeast or acid reflux, and I’ll finally be able to grip a grudge too.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Brina Payne
    • HouseOfBonnets

      Icon lol

    • fedup

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      • EmEM

        Sweet jeezus! ??? I almost choked to death on my own saliva while laughing!!
        That’s a day-maker to the nenth degree.

    • Blueberry01

      OMG! ?????????

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  • Aunt Viv 1.0 listens to DG Yola’s “Ain’t Gon Let Up” every morning.

    • PhlyyPhree

      ER.RY. MORN
      Has to

      • Like on the treadmill. On the way to yoga. At the Whole Foods salad bar. “Ain’t Gon’ Let Up” all day.

        • PhlyyPhree

          In the car. Her pick on the jukebox at the bar. In the shower. As her wakeup ringer.
          “Ain’t gon ne’er let no haters get tuh me (Ohh no no!)”
          Lol.

  • Duncan Frame

    She probably doesn’t drink.

    • Val

      Can you imagine the kind of drunk calls she’d make if she did? Lol

      • Duncan Frame

        I really can.

  • SoonToBeMrs

    I can hold, cook, stew, barbecue it till it falls off the bone, steam it and have it separated like white basmati rice, have it spicy like Ghanaian jollof, have it muddled like egusi stew…..

  • First, you have a thing for banana chips Champ. Now, you’re interested in holding grudges. Now all you need is to decided between Appleton Reserve and Mount Gay, and develop a love for all curry meats with peas and rice, and you’ll be the first Trans-West Indian person in existence.

    I’m joking. I think. LOL

    • Amen

      Drake and Wayne don’t count?

      • No on Drake. He just grew up around a bunch of West Indian dudes, so he thinks he can fake the funk. NOAP. Your roots are from Beaumont, Texas, PIMPIN.

        • Amen

          Word. Drake is the West Indian Rachel Dolezal.

          • Blueberry01

            Yup!

    • Duncan Frame

      Mount Gay though. Where were they going with that.

    • orchid921

      Appleton. All day. ;)

    • I’veLostCount

      Over proof rum is the test.

    • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

      Peas and rice? Rice and peas sir. You some kind of Fed up in here?

      • Cheech

        “PEAS AND RICE!” is how you avoid taking the Lord’s name in vain.
        It’s related to “Shut The Front Door.”
        And, “Back The Truck Up.”

  • Amen

    Original Aunt is CLEARLY #pettygoals. I’m not ashamed to say I watch her response to Jada asking for the Oscar boycott at least once a quarter.

  • She just comes off so salty and bitter. I love how she drags Alfonso and Will and then says she’s not offended by the photo. Girl, if you don’t care then why say anything? She’s so bothered by it.

  • Brass Tacks

    “I can see a**es from the front even if they’re not fat.”

    Me too.

    • Val

      Sometimes I can but only if they’re …(signal lost)

      • SoonToBeMrs

        *fixes signal*….as you were saying

        • Val

          Big butts.

          • SoonToBeMrs

            You got good taste. Only natural ones doe.

            • PhlyyPhree

              I’d amend, they can be fake if they look and move like real ones. I saw one last summer that definitely had me fooled.

              • SoonToBeMrs

                no amendments. Only real.

                • PhlyyPhree

                  Mannnnnnnn….I don’t know. If you’d seen what I seen and got the chance to….You know what?
                  Nvm.

                  • You out here rocking the strap

                    • PhlyyPhree

                      Pshhhh. Nope.
                      No Young MA here. I don’t see how that does anything for anyone, anyway. That seems like more of a psychological high to me.

                    • Naw I already have the image imprinted into my head

                    • PhlyyPhree

                      LOl.
                      Oh. Welp, whatever makes you happy then.

                  • BrothasKeeper

                    Go on.

              • Yeah like Cardi B’s looks great. As does Bernice’s.

                • PhlyyPhree

                  Their doctors took time with those.
                  If I had the money….

              • Alessandro De Medici

                How did you find out you were fooled?

                Accidental cuppage?

        • Namia

          Haa ha ha ha ha

    • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

      Must be a black thing. I can also tell just be how they sit even when I can only see the from the chest up.

  • Val

    I mean, there was that Kappa grudge.

    That photo of them looks like they took it to taunt Janet. Lol

    • That’s not a grudge against Kappas. Those are accurate descriptions after years agonizing research.

      • LeeLee

        I do love me some Kappas but I had to upvote this!

  • Ess Tee

    I need Janet Hubert to write a tell-all because I *needsta* know all the salacious behind-the-scenes details of Fresh Prince.

    • I would read all of that!

    • Amen

      Lemme save you some time
      Ahem…

      Will was f*cking everybody
      Alphonso was not

      • Ess Tee

        Wait what?!

        • Kat

          I need to know this as well…lol

          • orchid921

            Tea spillage needed!!

      • Details please. Though Will and Jada are accredited kinksters, so it’s at least plausible…

        • SoonToBeMrs

          It’s an open secret Will loves human beings that are men. And so does the wife, love the purrrr of a kitty kat.

          • Ess Tee

            Mhmm.

            Allegedly he and Duane Martin are partnered up in some fashion.

            • SoonToBeMrs

              They are no need for alleged. Hollyweird ain’t called so because it has saints.

          • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

            Don’t know if she loves the purr, but back in the day an acquaintance of mine dj’d a few parties for her that were ladies only.

            • SoonToBeMrs

              Yes she do. When she come to Ny, shuts down strip clubs,, big tipper too.

      • La Bandita

        Alphonso is Dominican. And the one that played the little girl is Panamanian. My job is to give shot outs to Afro latinos in the world.

    • Val

      I want her to have a reality show. So we can see how during her daily interactions with folks she manages to bring up how she was done wrong by Will and the show.

      Plumber: Well, I need to order a part. So it’s going to be a couple of days before I can fix this drain.

      Janet: Now see, I called Will Smith about my being on the Fresh Prince and he said he had to order take out and that he would call me right back. But he never did! Are you going to do me like Will?! Am I ever going to hear from you again!? (sobs)

      (End scene)

      • Ess Tee

        You know what? Scratch the tell-all wish. It really should be a reality show.

        Start the petition, Val.

      • Amen

        I’d watch that.

      • Janelle Doe

        She could join real housewives of whetever da heyll she lives :-)
        *Someone got Mona what’sher-face on the phone

    • DoTheRunningMan

      She wrote one in 2009.

    • Wise Old Owl

      She has talked about the Colorism and Sexism she faced on the set and how Will and Alfonso loved to tell offensive and derogatory jokes about dark skin Black Folks…

      • Amen

        Woke-est gossip book ever lol

        • Wise Old Owl

          Got ya…Colorism is no big deal in America or against dark skin Actress in Hollywood….moving right along….Hotep

          • Amen

            It was a joke? Just saying, most tell all books are about more salacious topics like who’s sleeping with who. Didn’t mean that colorism and sexism aren’t important topics.

      • Ess Tee

        My goodness. How did I miss this?

      • grownandsexy2

        Whaaaat? I could kind of see Alfonso doing that, but Will? I always thought she had beautiful skin, but I guess it don’t matter how beautiful it is, if you feel some type of way about dark-skin.

        • Wise Old Owl

          Yes, Will! That’s my point the former biggest star in Hollywood and one who is beloved by his adoring Black fans doesn’t give a damn about dark skin Black Folks unless he is getting paid millions for portraying them in biographical movies…see Christopher Gardner in Pursuit of Happiness and the Nigerian doctor in concussion…it was so bad on the set that she went to the producers and of course nothing happened, except Will got a Light Skinned Aunt Viv…

          • grownandsexy2

            Well, I guess Will isn’t the only one in Hollywood, not that it makes it any better. That’s why I don’t run up on these stars when I see them out and about. My ex did some real estate deals for Will’s mom and got invited to her birthday party in Vegas a few years ago, all expenses paid. I was invited but now I’m glad I didn’t go, knowing that. I guess that makes me petty.

      • Professor

        her definition of derogatory and offensive may not have resonated with two young black men who used to tell “Dude is SO black” jokes. The dozens were negative and derogatory but we didn’t know it at the time

        • Wise Old Owl

          Tell that to the kids who suffered from the dozens and anti dark skin jokes…we need to finally stop making excuses and defending Colorists…I forgot, Color Discrimination although illegal under the 1964 Civil Rights Act just like race and national origin is just a “Preference.”

          • Professor

            Accepted and respected! I agree with you 100%.but I grew up at a time where we played the dozens all the time and we talked about each others mothers and each other mercilessly. We didn’t know it was wrong is all I was saying. I was the recipient of more than a few burns in my day but it taught me to give as good as I got. I was born in 72 when it was widely acceptable to beat your kids, and talk bad to each other. As time goes on thanks to shows like A Different World and so on we learned better. So no I’m not defending them now but I cant say I wouldn’t have then.

            • Wise Old Owl

              I understand and Thanks…I too know how tough it was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s…sad that we verbally attacked and mocked those in our own community, because of self hate and lack of knowledge of self…A Different World had a positive impact on the community and influenced myself and millions of other young Blacks to attend college…

        • Ess Tee

          (Also, two Black men who married light-skinned and/or white women…)

          • Wise Old Owl

            Have you seen Ashley’s husband…he is lighter than light skinned…

            • Ess Tee

              Oh, wow. I never looked for a picture of him. Yeah, he might’ve been able to pass a century ago…

              • Wise Old Owl

                Yes, not just Black Males prefer light skin…heck, he can pass for now….

            • Brother Mouzone

              Most of their boyfriends in the show were light dudes…remember Trevor?

              • Wise Old Owl

                Yes, I do. The show definitely had the typical Hollywood “Color Casting” issues…they made sure to make the Butler dark skin, who called the light skin family, Master…

                • Brother Mouzone

                  Even though I’m closer to Will’s complexion, I can still see a lot of what you’re talking about with the colorism in that show. Butler-dark, deadbeat dad-dark, friend that gets thrown out-dark etc…daughter’s boyfriends-light, auntie’ s husbands-white and light, etc..

                  • Wise Old Owl

                    Absolutely…Will told “You so Black” jokes to the studio audience before each taping, you can how easily Colorism was able to influence the show and it’s television audience…plus you have the whole Benny Media aspect as a producer of the show…I never cared for the show, because similar to current shows such as Greenleaf and Queen Sugar, I could never get over the lazy stereotypical Hollywood color casting…at least the Cosby Show and A Different World had a balance…although, it was always the ubiquitous light skin dude in the background on a Different World….

                  • La Bandita

                    The butler’s wife is wyte in real life.

                    • Brother Mouzone

                      No surprise, he’s British.

            • La Bandita

              She’s Panamanian- she was dating wyte boys at first until one was mean to her. He black husband could almost past for wyte.

              • Wise Old Owl

                Yep…

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        But Alphonso is dark skinned???

        • Wise Old Owl

          To who? He certainly would argue that he is not dark skinned…

        • CocoBean

          Right. And the dark skinned thing doesn’t explain why no one else on the show seemed to give a damn about her, yet adored Tatianna Ali. There are tons of pictures & interviews of the castmates hanging out outside of the show and over the years since it last aired. Nan of them have anything to say about Janet & IF they do — besides Will, who keeps it classy — it’s negative. I used to believe it was her skintone but if that was true why hire her in the first place at all and then let her stay on for 3 seasons?

      • LeeLee

        You know what? I kind of get that vibe from them, because I know black guys who do this in real life. I can see that happening on the set.

        • Wise Old Owl

          Yes, they showed their true colors before every taping of the show in front of a mostly white audience, who laughed and enjoyed the anti dark skin jokes…yet when he doesn’t get nominated for an Oscar that he didn’t deserve portraying a short dark skin brilliant Nigerian Doctor in Concussion, his light skin beard…I mean wife wants to play the victim and expected Black Folks to boycott the Oscars….

      • Monica Harris

        Can you perhaps tell me where you heard or read this? Regardless, I also don’t feel like there is a need for Hubart to be quiet about her mistreatment. It’s not like most persons believe her. On the contrary, she is ridiculed. When Celine Dion was asked about her cheating first husband of almost a decade ago she replied, “I wish I had never met you.” If something is bad enough, it might be something that always burns.

        • Wise Old Owl

          Sister a simple Google search will show articles on Huffington Post, Black American Web, The Grio and E. Online with details about the derogatory and offensive jokes Will and Alfonso said about dark skin Black Folks and dark skin mothers in front of the studio audience before each taping and behind the scenes….I know that it may be hard to believe, but remember, Will is a light skinned Black Male from Philadelphia and Alfonso is Dominican…plus, Colorism is rampant in Hollywierd…Moreover, Will blacklisted her, which makes it hard for her to get acting roles and earn a living today, so it is more than not letting go of a 20 year old grudge…he is using his power against presently…

          • Monica Harris

            So I didn’t find anything talking about Will and Alfonso making rude jokes before the show. That said, I know the rumors about colorism in the DR and one of my family members is Dominican and they definitely have that issue so it wouldn’t surprise me if it were true that these kinds of jokes were made. It doesn’t appear to be the reason she left the show however. She said it was a break down in contract negotiations.

            • Wise Old Owl

              If you Google Janet Hubert and Will Smith jokes, you will find it…there are a lot of articles on the interviews she gave talking about the jokes….And it is true…he told the jokes to the studio audience before each taping….however, believe what you want to believe about Mr. Smith.

    • CocoBean

      If you can get past the corniness, I found this to be pretty interesting (if you don’t want to watch the whole thing here’s a synopsis: Janet Hubert is presumably nutty. There’s a clip of Alfonso talking about how crazy she is, there’s a clip of Karyn Parsons talking about how close she is with everyone but Janet, there are photos of the whole clan sans Janet hanging out & livin’ it up to imply that they all cannot stand her due to ….drumroll…..her craziness.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwXdtqjBfjM

      Edited to add: She is still my fave aunt viv. She needs some therapy tho. Bless her heart.

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