I Came, I Saw, And I Conquered The Beyhive » VSB

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I Came, I Saw, And I Conquered The Beyhive

On Tuesday, December 2 at 10:52 AM EST, the first shot was fired by me on Twitter. It read:

Admittedly, none of this was being said to get the attention of any one group or even to cause controversy on my timeline. It was simply a thought I had about Beyonce’s new song that I wanted to share with my followers, and I meant every word of it. Dawn Richards has been doing that whole sing-with-one-not over some snapping, single-stick drum lick for quite some time. Don’t believe me? Go listen to “Bombs” or check out “Levitate.” Now, because I know you want to, go on and listen to 7/11. Clearly Beyonce’s new song is in the same style as those songs. But no sooner did I let that tweet fly did people start warning me about the infamous, #Beyhive coming for me in my mentions.

For those not on Twitter, the #Beyhive is a group of hardcore online Beyonce fans who form like Voltron on that ass should you dare say anything negative about their Lord and Savior. The #Beyhive acts like Anonymous, except for something nobody gives a fuck about. So when people told me to watch out for this notorious group of cyber-basics who might barnstorm my mentions, I LLOL’d – that’s laughed literally out loud.

For one, I’ve been on the Internet a long time, long enough to get my ass chewed up and spit out onto these digital streets in ways that have actually hurt my feelings. Case in point, this magnificent take down years ago that was posted on Jezebel. When you have a blog, a personal blog at that, you’re kind of used to folks saying things from behind screens that they would never say to your face.

The other reason I didn’t even “get ready” for the #Beyhive (because doing so would imply they were a threat and I felt threatened, neither of which is true) is because I know my comment wasn’t a diss, it was a critique on a song made by an artist of whom I am a fan. Besides, anyone who has covered the music industry as much as I have knows how often artists take songs from other artists all the time. And I hate to break it to members of the #Beyhive, but yes, even the woman you all probably call your mama-in-your-head has done this. Fact: “Irreplaceable” was originally going to be Ne-Yo’s song.

But what are facts to a group of people who think watermelon tastes like Beyonce? I was more tickled than shook by the idea that my single tweet could set off the #Beyhive, and I was skeptical of their abilities to phase me, so instead of backing away like friends of mine warned me to do, I twisted the knife. Here was my next tweet:

Apparently that’s what did it, and what ensued was by far one of the most entertaining roasting sessions I have ever been on the receiving end of. Below, a list of highlights with brief commentary by yours truly. Apologies in advance for the offensive language.

I really enjoy the responses in which people take gifs and don’t say anything at all.

Then there are the ones where people insult you gently, almost in a nurturing way.

Look at this rude, creative one.

Then things started getting ugly and socially offensive. Personally, I was fine, but Jesus, the language! Again, apologies in advance people.

Some of my favorites were when people tried to crack on my follower count or discredit my verified blue check. (For the record, I’ve had a blue check for a while. One of the perks of my day job I guess, but honestly, it has not changed much of anything about my Twitter experience. If anything, it’s only made my mentions more filled with folks who want me to listen to their music.)

I have to admit, I never heard the phrase “drink bleach.”

Here was another creative way they told me I could die.

And I’m going to assume if I took this person up on their challenge, they’d try to kill me.

Here’s a person who was being all judgy after they probably saw a couple of photos on me online.

And all the posts I wrote back when I was unemployed.

Of course, I don’t think “gay” is an insult to anything but my intelligence. But every now and then, people can find funny ways to tell you to engage in a homosexual lifestyle.

Oh and this admittedly was a good one.


To me, Twitter is at it’s best when it’s not taking itself too seriously, so while others may have looked at my mentions with horror, I was looking at it with a smile on my face. I understand how frustrating it can be when people talk tough from behind their screens. But unless I know the tweeter IRL or I can get a sense that they actually live a real life through their tweets, I don’t care what someone says to me on a screen. I have no reason to believe the #Beyhive actually exists outside of one of her concerts, and as long as they stay online, I’ll be like this to their slander.

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Jozen Cummings

Jozen Cummings is the author and creator of the popular relationship blog Until I Get Married, which is currently in development for a television series with Warner Bros. He hosts a weekly podcast with WNYC about Empire called the Empire Afterparty and he works at Twitter as an editorial associate. He lives in Harlem, graduated from Howard University, and grew up in Seaside, California. He cannot get you a blue check.

  • Rachmo

    After all the shytty news, this was definitely needed. Well done brave soldier.

    • uniquebeauty79

      So true, we all needed a laugh…at least for a little while anyway

  • PhlyyPhree

    Thank you.

    Also,
    I’m sorry but the crack about you having to go write more blogs for people to not read made me cackle out loud.

  • h.h.h.
    • Animate

      What’s damn good is that guy in the first gif holding on to the little bit of hair he has and not shaving it all off. I’m impressed.

    • Keisha

      LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Meridian

    All of the LOLs. Each and every one of them.

    Dawn Richard is a dope artist and she’s really coming into her own. Bombs = hard, as is the accompanying video, but she’s ambiguous enough in the industry that borrowing her identity as an artist is totally possible with no one catching it. Beyoncé has a tendency to appropriate people. It’s the truth. Rolling your eyes and laughing at them seemed like an appropriate response because what you said wasn’t even an insult. It was an observation. An accurate one.

    Also, I didn’t realize blue checks were handed out for having twitter personas that generate mass followings. I always thought it indicated you actually do something important in real life. My mistake.

  • Freebird

    Some of them were funny. Outside of that you were called a f@### more than a little bit..

    • JOhn Crawford

      Jezebel is NEVER Happy, neither is Clutch or Femini—— know what, I’ll leave her alone, she can stick to slandering her “friends” for all I care

      • Yeah, her.

      • Naw don’t do Jezebel like that. We’re never happy with some people’s out of pocket-edness. Clutch on the other hand…

  • Keisha

    “But what are facts to a group of people who think watermelon tastes like Beyonce?” …right! I agree with you…it wasn’t a diss. I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the responses you received though… :-)

  • kayleb

    Sometimes I wish I cared about anything as much as people care about Beyoncé, but I can’t be arsed.

    • I feel bad about how much they care. How much they’re willing to do. But then, at the very least, it proves the capacity we have as humans. LOL

    • Miche

      I’m almost suspicious that I don’t love my own mama as much as the Beyhive loves Beyonce.

  • damn negro, why you ain’t publish this before I stalked your twitter feed last night tryna find this deliciousness?

    VSB was heralding you a hero so I looked for the tweets. You’re a masochist. But also right. I say this as someone on the less unhinged end of the Beyhive spectrum.

  • pls

    as a card carrying member of the hive, i saw the tweets on the side bar and just rolled my eyes. REAL hard.

    The people spewing the f word are probably apart of the lbgt community, which doesn’t make it right, but it’s kinda like the n word for us. most of people on twitter who go that hard are just brain dead teens, and more often than not, not even members of the hive; they just want to get RTs.

    in short…i wouldn’t brag about dragging those type of people. they drag themselves. glad you had fun tho!

    • Val

      “The people spewing the f word are probably apart of the lbgt community,
      which doesn’t make it right, but it’s kinda like the n word for us.”

      No, please don’t blame that hatred on LGTB folks. Those were just some str8 up bigots.

      • pls

        could be. but just speaking on personal experience, I’ve heard it from members of the community more than those not in the community.

  • Uniquely Blushed

    The Arthur reference was really funny.

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