Featured, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

I Bought A Mountain Dew. Here’s How It Happened. Don’t Buy Mountain Dew.

FullSizeRenderYou know how some people make bad decisions constantly? I’m one of those people. Sometimes I get away scott free with my middle finger to the law, nigga grippin’ my balls. Other times I pay tremendously.

Like, tremendously tremendously. And you know I mean it because I wrote tremendously twice and italicized the first one. That’s how you know that its real.

Well, somewhere in the middle of grippin’ my balls and tremendously lies the decision that I made today (or every time I go to TGIFridays and order the damn brushetta pasta, it is not good, but I get it 3 out of 5 times I go and I’m always upset at myself). I bought a Mountain Dew. But let me start at the beginning.

I didn’t start out this day thinking I was going to drink a Mountain Dew. Nope. In fact, the trek the resulted in me ending up with a Mountain Dew began as a hunt for a Gatorade. At my place of employ is a room that is filled with two snack machines and 4 soda vending machines. One of those machines houses some Gatorade along with Diet Mountain Dew and other shit I generally don’t drink.

I got it in my head that I wanted a Gatorade. They have this particular flavor that I adore. I don’t even know what flavor it is, but its purple. Anywho, I gathered up the requisite $1.95 in change and traipsed down to the vending machine room and began placing my quarters in the machine. All drinks in said machine cost $1.50 except for the Gatorade. For some odd reason, this machine would not allow me to put more than $1.50. Try and try as I might, I was stuck with the option of a drink for $1.50 as I had no dollar bills, only change.

And then it happened. The bad decision doppler went off. I looked to my right and saw a machine that had a Mountain Dew and I said to myself, “self, you’ve not made a bad choice today. Now’s as good a time as any.”

Here’s how my mind works; it’s truly a modern marvel. This machine has pictures of two things on it. A picture of the drink you can purchase, and a smaller graphic of the calories of each drink.

Every single drink in this machine has “zero” calories. Every. Last. One. Except for the Mountain Dew.

Calorie count? 290.

I’m not even a health nut but something seems bad about that. And here I went buying a Mountain Dew because why not. I’m pretty sure the woman behind me judged me silently as I killed her softly with my song. I was singing, bee tee dubs.

Here’s something to keep in mind about Mountain Dew. Actually a few things. When we were kids, Mountain Dew was the drink that was supposed to make guys balls shrink because of the Yellow 5 in it. Obviously they still add it since I just read the label and its there. I suppose that was a myth. But when I was young, I stayed away from Mountain Dew because cold water shrinkage was bad enough, nobody wants permanently shrunk balls because of Mountain Dew. I totally got off track here. The main point I wanted to address was this: you know you are a shitty drink when you can’t even mix it with alcohol to make a good drink. I can’t think of a single drink that mixes with Mountain Dew. I even googled the shit. Bupkus.

You know what did come up on Google? “Mountain Dew Mouth” Is Destroying Appalachia’s Teeth.

Le sigh.

I bought a drink that is taking what little teeth an entire region has. I remember back in the day when Lil Wayne was hawking Mountain Dew.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Mountain Dew is basically 4Loko without the malt liquor component. Don’t drink 4Loko either.

Oh, so what happened after I bought my Mountain Dew? I drank one sip and my stomach started hurting. The worst part? I expected it because who in their right mind drinks Mountain Dew. If you go to somebody’s house and they offer you a drink and its a Mountain Dew, you are absolutely going to judge them. You can bring me RC Cola. You can bring me Kool-Aid. Even Fanta, Sunny D, or Squirt. But if you bring me Five Alive or Mountain Dew, I will assume that you don’t care about me or yourself. You are Walter White to me; a mad man masquearading as a decent human being who will probably kill us all.

My stomach still hurts and I haven’t take another sip of my 290 calorie, $1.50 drink. I’m paying for it now and will probably pay for it all night. I hurt. My soul hurts. Hurt Me Soul.

All because I am in love with bad decisions.

Mountain Dew tried to kill me and its my fault. I’m victim blaming.

Don’t dew it.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • The fact that you brought up Five Alive #doe. Five Alive is Sunny D’s pet rat that he hides from his bandmate brothers. Or something.

    • Wild Cougar

      How can Sunny D have a pet rat when Sunny D is a rat?

      • Sunny D is just a regular rat but Five Alive is a harbor rat.

  • “The main point I wanted to address was this: you know you are a sh*tty drink when you can’t even mix it with alcohol to make a good drink.” All.Facts…and somehow, I lived on Mountain Dew in college. I’m prob dying now, though….*shrug*

    • Wild Cougar

      How else you gonna stay up all night studying for a midterm when you aint cracked a book all semester?

  • She Who Reads

    Haha. “Squirt.” That is all.

  • Jillian

    I don’t consciously not buy Mountain Dew, I just don’t. It’s like my body knows that it can’t be good. The last time I remember having it was in April….a convenient store in the middle of nowhere, Oregon. As I was taking a sip, I Google’d it too, to find that ppl actually drink Mountain Dew and eat Cheetos as a meal and wonder why they no longer have taste glands. Turns out Mountain Dew does taste good with something. …pure grain alcohol. That stuff’ll kill you…just like Dew.

  • I used to be a Mountain Dew addict. It’s a great coffee substitute. Then I got into the Clean Eating thing, and Mountain Dew is the devil. Sigh…I miss thee easy sugar-and-caffeine rush. Plus it can make certain bedroom activities last ALL NIGHT LONG! :)

    • Neptunes presents The Clones

      VSB is a no flex zone

  • miss t-lee

    I used to drink mountain dew in the mornings at my call center job way back in the day.
    This was before I discovered heaven’s elixir, otherwise known as coffee.

  • Dr. Fabulous

    Mountain Dew is the the worst! Dew Mouth in Appalachia really is a problem and sometimes it looks as bad as Meth Mouth, also a big problem there. They don’t make good decisions.

    • miss t-lee

      I saw a news clip once where they were giving it to their kids, in their bottles. Eek!

  • cryssi

    Only thing worse than mountain dew is Red Bull/Devil….I love bad decisions too, they don’t seem so evil until the repercussions of said act turns around and bites off half of your a$$…Bad choice #1 I have an enlarged heart, not so extreme to cause any life changes, but large enough for red bull to give me heart palpitations….Bad choice #2. See I know that the office of my apartment complex is run by a$$-holes, yet I still pay my rent on the 1st of the month instead of 2 weeks in advance. It takes the 2 weeks to process my payment. It’s semptember and school has started, so I had to buy my books, which took out my rent money that I though had already been processed….it wasnt, so now I’m at a loss trying to figure out exactly what to do when NY refund check won’t be available til October…Bad choices are like crack, you think one bad choice can’t be as bad as described, ninjas over exaggerate, next thing you know your stuck with a loss

  • Wild Cougar

    I appreciate you because you linked an article that tells me soda will rot my teeth. I’m off soda. I didn’t drink that much anyway and now that was the nail in the coffin. No more soda. Except when I eat really greasy pepperoni pizza. I need soda to break up the grease. But otherwise, I’m of the soda.

    • panamajackson

      I do what I can to serve.

  • SuperStrings

    You must want Pepsico to come after you like the beef industry did Oprah, bad-mouthing Mountain Dew like that. lol I like Mountain Dew. It’s my second favorite soda next to Pepsi. I also love mayonnaise. I know, double whammy.

    • BeautifullyHuman

      Pepsi is everything! To h*ll with Coke.

      • miss t-lee

        No.
        Pepsi tastes like broken dreams & ambivalence.

        • BeautifullyHuman

          Yes.

          • Neptunes presents The Clones

            Pepsi honestly has nothing on Coke.

            • That question seems to be a regional thing. My relatives in ATL LOVE them some Coke (Coke is headquartered there). Up here in PA? Its Pepsi all day. I dont really drink pop (yeah we call it pop), “but when I do, I prefer Pepsi”.

        • BeautifullyHuman

          I can’t hate. That comment just made me laugh…LOL.

          • miss t-lee

            My brother used to work for them for a minute…free Pepsi and I still wouldn’t touch it…LOL

      • BreezyX2

        The debil is a lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

      • panamajackson

        Yeah. No. Coke all day.

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