How To Talk To A Woman In A Diabetic Coma » VSB

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How To Talk To A Woman In A Diabetic Coma

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We’ve all been there before. You notice an attractive lady, and you want to make her aware of your existence as a man who just noticed her for the first time seven seconds ago but now wants to have sex with her. But unfortunately a lifelong diet of caramel frappachinos and king-size Whatchamacallits have placed her in a diabetic coma, and she can’t see or hear you. And if she can’t see or hear you, she’ll go her entire life without knowing just how badly you want to place your penis inside of her vagina, and continue doing so — moving it in and out and sometimes even sideways — until you ejaculate.

Fortunately, you don’t have to give up. Just because she’s in a diabetic coma doesn’t mean she’s not interested in you. And just because she can’t hear you or see you or breathe without a respirator doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you to profess your attraction to her.

Before you say or do anything, though, check her hands for rings. Not those asshole hipster rings servers at The Ace Hotel wear. But wedding rings. If she has one of those — or, if her skin is lighter where the ring should be; an obvious sign that she had a ring on but a friend or family member removed it for her for safe keeping while she remains in the diabetic coma — don’t pursue her. Because she belongs to someone else, and that would be rude.

But if you see no rings, proceed. And follow these five vital steps.

1. Don’t assume that just because she’s in a diabetic coma, she can’t notice you

Science doesn’t yet know what people in comas can and can’t notice. Maybe, underneath that whole middle stage of ketoacidosis mess, she’s laying there thinking “I wish this handsome man would approach and talk to me while I’m in this diabetic coma.” Of course, you don’t know if she’s thinking that. But you don’t don’t know either.

2. Bring her snacks

If she’s in a diabetic coma, the doctors and nurses at the hospital she’s in probably have her on a strict diet. So that she can come out of the coma, of course. But, I’m certain that diet doesn’t have her favorite snacks on it, and she’s probably laying in that diabetic coma and dreaming about those snacks. What better way to impress her with your thoughtfulness than to sneak a box of Krispy Kremes under her pillow?

3. Whisper Bible verses in her ear

While she’s laying there in that diabetic coma, unconscious and unable to move or speak — essentially rendered completely incapacitated by hypoglycemia — every moment matters. Because, whether she can see you or even know if you’re there or not, first impressions are still vital. So take this opportunity to reveal that you’re a God-fearing man. Download a Bible app on your iPhone, and use it to recite and whisper verses in her ear. Also, don’t be too ambitious with off-brand Books like Ezra or Zephaniah. You might come off as a try-hard or creep. Keep it simple with Psalms.

4. Take selfies with her, and publish them to social media

After you’ve finished whispering Bible verses in the ear of a woman with a diabetic coma, slide next to her and take a selfie. And then publish it on Instagram and/or Facebook. And write a caption telling everyone how beautiful she is. You can even hashtag it #sleepingbeauty. That might be corny, but women love confident corny.

Why? Well, when she emerges from the diabetic coma, the first thing she’s going to do is check her notifications. And what better post diabetic coma surprise than to see all the likes and well-wishes she’s received, all because of a handsome stranger’s gesture. Trust me, if you do this, she’ll definitely accept your friend request. And maybe even a date.

5. Just stand over her with a confident, easy-going smile

I know, I know, I know. Dan Bacon already shared this tactic when advising men how to talk to women with headphones on. But sometimes things you hear are so good you have to steal them. (Sorry Dan!) And I just don’t see a better way to endear yourself to this beautiful and unconscious woman a Juicy Fruit stick away from death than to just stand over her bed and smile at her. Of course, she’s in a coma and might continue to be in one for a while, so you might be standing and smiling for a long time. Hours. Maybe even days. Which is why you should prep yourself with a bottle of water.

And then, when she wakes up, she’ll see your smiling face. And I’m sure she’ll be thirsty. For the water (which you can give her) and your attention (which you can give her too!)

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Mika

    2. Bring her snacks-MAJOR KEY.

  • Aly

    Is that Dan Bacon article for real? Can’t be.

  • Maximillian

    As someone who was in a (non-diabetic) coma recently, I can vouch for this…

    • LMNOP

      You were in a coma?

      • Maximillian

        Yeah, pneumonia put me down.

  • QueenRaven23

    I have to read Dan Bacon’s “advice”…be right back.

    • Mika

      ITS AWFUL.

  • So I read Dan Bacons article… What in the entire phock did I just read?! Are guys really that socially inept to start a conversation with a woman.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      According to Dan yeah lol

    • Other_guy13

      Yes…..yes we are….and what???

      • That’s turrible *in my Steve Barkley voice*

        • Cleojonz

          Charles? Sorry couldn’t help it. Don’t hate me.

          • Shat! I was multitasking, thanks

    • Mika

      Yes, to an extent…….I think social media and other forms of communication just makes people inept overall. You know how hard it is to have a conversation on the phone with someone younger than 30? Man.

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        Agreed! Communication is an art form that’s becoming extinct because of Social Media!

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Yea we are. But he literally wrote the manual on how to be a creep.

      And then dudes wonder why women want to stab us in our sleep and end on Snapped.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        I was at a outdoor flea market event and was eating a sandwich..then out of no where some guy gets really close to my ear and whispers. “How’s the sandwich…any good?”

        I wanted to call the cops

        • Aly

          I know this wasn’t supposed to be funny, but I just cracked up lolol

          • Courtney Wheeler

            LOL I mean my friends busted out laughing like you…I was in shock. WHO DOES THAT?

            • Aly

              It’s just so absurd! I’m still laughing…

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              This is all I saw in my head

              http://i.imgur.com/BgdLojb.gif

              • KC

                I envisioned this atrocity:
                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dJ7xSMw01E

                • cakes_and_pies

                  This makes the back of my throat itch. Gross.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  Good lord make it stop.

                  ASMR is some seriously creepy stuff

                  • KC

                    totally agree

              • Lmao@ dudes expression

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  Priceless

                • Mochasister

                  See if he had his ear chomped off it would be a much different expression.

            • Brass Tacks

              So…How was the sandwich…any good?

              • Courtney Wheeler

                it was a chopped steak sandwich..they were a little stingy on the meat but taste wise yes it was good

                • Brass Tacks

                  Giggity…

                  OK, I’m done now.

              • Bruh.
                Lol

                • Brass Tacks

                  Don’t judge me.

            • Mochasister

              Trolls! And fools who want to get cut in the eyelids!

        • My bad.
          I laughed too.
          Knee jerk reaction? You should have swung for the fence.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Ewwwww that’s worthy of a throat chop right there…..gotdamn

        • Sweet Potato Kai

          I’m clutching my pearls! I’m so sorry eww.

        • Val

          I’m cringing just hearing about it.

        • Cleojonz

          He’s REALLY lucky he didn’t catch a backhand. I hope he made it and was fishing for a compliment. WTF?

          • Courtney Wheeler

            The best part was..he was a guy my friend was going on a first date with…which made it even extra creepy

        • Erica Nicole

          Ugh what a creep!
          Something similar happened to me, I had a Harry Potter shirt on and the next day this guy that lives in my building was crossing the street opposite me and I wasn’t paying attention to him, next thing I know he is like an inch from my face shouting ‘no witchcraft shirt today’. I was so startled I jumped back and was like WTF just happened? Seriously bothered me for a few days…rather I was mad for a few days.

        • Mochasister

          Eww! You were ear raped! Your story reminds me of the time I was sitting in a movie theater watching the trailers. All of a sudden I hear this voice say, “Do you want to come sit with me and my friend?” I nearly screamed as I turned to see some troll squatting by my chair. Don’t be breathing your hot, moist breath in my ear!

        • B-Dot Willz

          Did he think that you would share? Better you than me because that would not have ended well

          • Courtney Wheeler

            The guy was weird..he was the first date of one of my friends. Such a weirdo.

      • Creep isnt even a good word. Plus you’re tarnishing one of my fav songs from Big Luther.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          ahahahaaha @ big Luther…that’s my favorite Luther

    • Duff Soviet Union

      They’re not socially inept, they’re jerks who think that the mere act of being a man entitles them to any woman they want regardless of what *she* wants.

      • Perfect – after I went to his Twitter account, you summed him up perfectly

  • HouseOfBonnets

    3. Whisper Bible verses in her ear

    Because nothing can turn up the heat for your the unconscious and righteous lover like the sweet, sweet sounds from the book of revelations.

    *bonus points if it’s the new world translation. Now you can interpret the lord incorrectly with a side of bigotry too.

    **I feel like I should note that this is sarcasm lol

  • These Tweets from @daniecal were gold

    (https://twitter.com/daniecal/status/770698784963596288?s=03)

    • HouseOfBonnets

      I love her she is hilarious lol

    • My mom raised me on Aliens. I swear my family has every line from that movie memorized.

      • When I was a kid I thought the alien was what Satan looked like when he went home and let his hair down.

        • I had a nightmare last evening the alien ran me down. 25 years later and I still find it terrifying.

    • If a guy don’t get this picture there’s no saving him, when a women is interested in you there a certain way she looks at you if she doesnt keep it moving playa

  • The Approach Coach

    Dan’s advice missed the mark by a mile. Here’s the ONLY way to talk to a woman wearing headphones (or reading a book): http://theapproachcoach.com/talk-woman-wearing-headphones/

    • Aly

      You could have just stopped with “Don’t”

    • Val

      And PUA dudes are in the house.

    • Completely unnecessary mime shade but yeah.

      • The Approach Coach

        No disrespect to all the hardworking mimes out there! ;)

  • TheCollinB

    As an avid reader and waster of time on the internet I appreciate your take on the “how to talk to a woman wearing headphones” and the “how to talk to a woman taking a dump” (?!?!) articles I’ve read this week. I’ll pass this along to my savages as I’m sure they will be able to use these methods in their every day almost felonious perv lives.

    • DiaShoni

      Wait…what? I read the headphones article. WTH is the second?

      • TheCollinB

        I linked it a little further up from Jezebel.

  • I’m mildly angry that I clicked on Bacon’s article cuz it is THE DUMBEST thing I’ve read today. But it’s only 11:25 CST so I have time to witness more stupid today.

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