Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

How To Talk To A Woman In A Diabetic Coma

We’ve all been there before. You notice an attractive lady, and you want to make her aware of your existence as a man who just noticed her for the first time seven seconds ago but now wants to have sex with her. But unfortunately a lifelong diet of caramel frappachinos and king-size Whatchamacallits have placed her in a diabetic coma, and she can’t see or hear you. And if she can’t see or hear you, she’ll go her entire life without knowing just how badly you want to place your penis inside of her vagina, and continue doing so — moving it in and out and sometimes even sideways — until you ejaculate.

Fortunately, you don’t have to give up. Just because she’s in a diabetic coma doesn’t mean she’s not interested in you. And just because she can’t hear you or see you or breathe without a respirator doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you to profess your attraction to her.

Before you say or do anything, though, check her hands for rings. Not those asshole hipster rings servers at The Ace Hotel wear. But wedding rings. If she has one of those — or, if her skin is lighter where the ring should be; an obvious sign that she had a ring on but a friend or family member removed it for her for safe keeping while she remains in the diabetic coma — don’t pursue her. Because she belongs to someone else, and that would be rude.

But if you see no rings, proceed. And follow these five vital steps.

1. Don’t assume that just because she’s in a diabetic coma, she can’t notice you

Science doesn’t yet know what people in comas can and can’t notice. Maybe, underneath that whole middle stage of ketoacidosis mess, she’s laying there thinking “I wish this handsome man would approach and talk to me while I’m in this diabetic coma.” Of course, you don’t know if she’s thinking that. But you don’t don’t know either.

2. Bring her snacks

If she’s in a diabetic coma, the doctors and nurses at the hospital she’s in probably have her on a strict diet. So that she can come out of the coma, of course. But, I’m certain that diet doesn’t have her favorite snacks on it, and she’s probably laying in that diabetic coma and dreaming about those snacks. What better way to impress her with your thoughtfulness than to sneak a box of Krispy Kremes under her pillow?

3. Whisper Bible verses in her ear

While she’s laying there in that diabetic coma, unconscious and unable to move or speak — essentially rendered completely incapacitated by hypoglycemia — every moment matters. Because, whether she can see you or even know if you’re there or not, first impressions are still vital. So take this opportunity to reveal that you’re a God-fearing man. Download a Bible app on your iPhone, and use it to recite and whisper verses in her ear. Also, don’t be too ambitious with off-brand Books like Ezra or Zephaniah. You might come off as a try-hard or creep. Keep it simple with Psalms.

4. Take selfies with her, and publish them to social media

After you’ve finished whispering Bible verses in the ear of a woman with a diabetic coma, slide next to her and take a selfie. And then publish it on Instagram and/or Facebook. And write a caption telling everyone how beautiful she is. You can even hashtag it #sleepingbeauty. That might be corny, but women love confident corny.

Why? Well, when she emerges from the diabetic coma, the first thing she’s going to do is check her notifications. And what better post diabetic coma surprise than to see all the likes and well-wishes she’s received, all because of a handsome stranger’s gesture. Trust me, if you do this, she’ll definitely accept your friend request. And maybe even a date.

5. Just stand over her with a confident, easy-going smile

I know, I know, I know. Dan Bacon already shared this tactic when advising men how to talk to women with headphones on. But sometimes things you hear are so good you have to steal them. (Sorry Dan!) And I just don’t see a better way to endear yourself to this beautiful and unconscious woman a Juicy Fruit stick away from death than to just stand over her bed and smile at her. Of course, she’s in a coma and might continue to be in one for a while, so you might be standing and smiling for a long time. Hours. Maybe even days. Which is why you should prep yourself with a bottle of water.

And then, when she wakes up, she’ll see your smiling face. And I’m sure she’ll be thirsty. For the water (which you can give her) and your attention (which you can give her too!)

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    Done…
    But no seriously, the guy that created the original article that everyone has crapped on? Go to his twitter and/or blog. I believe he has a issue with a woman basically saying “No.”
    https://twitter.com/Dan_Modern_Man

    • Detroit Skater

      i’m so glad i saw your comment first b/c i was seriously saying WTH is damon talking about.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        Girl! I’m like what does the sugar have to do with getting curved?

        • Courtney Wheeler

          EVERYTHING GURL. haha

        • Detroit Skater

          exactly! i was beyond confused…?

      • LMNOP

        Glad I’m not alone, I had no clue what this was about, and without context clues, it’s pretty horrifying.

        • L8Comer

          Yeah, I was like… This is NOT okay

    • cakes_and_pies

      The fuck is wrong with this dude?????
      He seems legitimately crazy.

      • Courtney Wheeler
        • cakes_and_pies

          He’s the type of guy that would make me take a different route home everyday.

      • Val

        He must be one of those PUA dudes.

        • Buster Cannon

          Nah, he’s far too needy to fall into the PUA category. He strikes me as the hyper-romantic “nice guy” type, that spends their time trying to get girls to like him that aren’t interested in him.

          • So he’s trying to be cute, yet does predatory stuff like talk to women who have no interested in him?

            He’s like the Pokemon version of a fuckboi.

            • Buster Cannon

              Yeah, he’s on that Steve Urkel/Laura Winslow stuff. Girl clearly isn’t interested yet he’s wasting time and energy trying to get her to change her mind.

              • Dating life got a lot better once I learned to take an L and still behave like Lebron in Game 7.

                In fact, the moment I started doing that I met my wife! The Lord knew my heart.

              • Duff Soviet Union

                God, don’t even get me started on that “romance”.

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      He’s that “if you dump me, I will purposely go out of my way to make sure you either take me back or file a restraining order” type of guy!

    • Kosi Akosua Gyebi

      Wow… just checked out his twitter and… Wow. I kind of feel sorry for him. He must not have an easy life.

      • Val

        I feel sorry for the women he encounters.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        There’s a point where it’s all his fault. I’ve been curved enough to know the black hole it will send you down, but when you get to his position, you’ve gone off the deep end.

        • He will just subconsciously reinvent himself and use it as yet another pick up move…
          “Hey, that guy you been reading about – yup, its me!”
          “So, about them digits…”

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Too accurate

        • Kosi Akosua Gyebi

          Yo, I hear you… but there’s a certain level of delusional where it’s like, isn’t there some medication or something this guy could be on?

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            It keeps playing into the male power & privilege fantasy, that no matter what, you can get the women you desire.

            It’s like bruh……she’s gonna murder you at some point.

            • Blueberry01

              Or the narcissistic fantasy…

              What if men realized or possibly imagined if they were constantly preyed on?

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                It would play out much better if we did notice that

      • Janelle Doe

        I could see him asking Agatha some interesting questions based on the recent letter

    • Buster Cannon

      Lol, I look at the headlines on his twitter feed and they all look super needy/clingy. If he’s like that IRL, no wonder women are leaving him.

    • jfenbauer

      He’s 100% “Men’s Rights” – “Red Pill” creepy.

    • I agree. I don’t think consent or female agency are ideas he agrees with.

    • Deeds

      Oh Good Lord, all of his linked articles about how to make an ex not an ex, like there’s a reason she’s an ex.

    • NonyaB

      I came across other blogs dissing his post ~2days ago, so I knew what DayMoan was on about. The fool is really milking the attention from the ruckus though, with his uglass, basta forehead having, gotta-post-pics-so-ppl-know-I-can-know-women self.

  • Kas

    WTF?!

    • King Beauregard

      Recently, a guy named Dan Bacon published a column about how to talk to women who have headphones on. Start there, spend a couple minutes fumbling to find words to express how wrong he is, then re-read Damon’s column. As always, Damon nails it.

      Dan Bacon:

      http://www.themodernman.com/dating/how-to-talk-to-a-woman-who-is-wearing-headphones.html

      • Thank you, I was just about to post. wtf gif.
        It was a really good too, ??
        Off to read the article

        • King Beauregard

          Awww, I wanna see it!

      • Kas

        Thanks

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      Exactly, I had to do my research before commenting! I though Damon was on that good stuff for a sec! His shade levels are beyond comprehension sometimes!

  • Or….
    Maybe she’s just not that into you.

    “..And I just don’t see a better way to endear yourself to this beautiful and unconscious woman a Juicy Fruit stick away from death than to just stand over her bed and smile at her…”
    Insane, lol

  • RaeNBow

    3/4 thru the article i was like, “WHY don’t i understand what is happening here?!?” … so i googled Dan Bacon. Oh. Okay. LOL continuation of a twitter drag…

    • Maya Wynn

      Thanks for the hint. I proceeded to Google. I have come to the realization that this is advanced level of shade. I’m still at intermediate.

    • Gibbous

      Thank you!

  • King Beauregard

    ::furiously taking notes::

  • kb

    The best thing eva!

  • Minx

    I’m DEAD.

    • Val

      That probably won’t save you from these type guys trying to talk. Lol

      • Minx

        Apparently they could come to my funeral and still try to holla LOL

  • Other_guy13

    I…umm…..see…http://i.imgur.com/PgPmj.gif

  • Tarik

    #2: Learn how to bake moist, fluffy cakes and brownies, and have her in a diabetic coma at your place.
    Hint: use a little more water than oil in the recipe.

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