We’ve all been there before. You notice an attractive lady, and you want to make her aware of your existence as a man who just noticed her for the first time seven seconds ago but now wants to have sex with her. But unfortunately a lifelong diet of caramel frappachinos and king-size Whatchamacallits have placed her in a diabetic coma, and she can’t see or hear you. And if she can’t see or hear you, she’ll go her entire life without knowing just how badly you want to place your penis inside of her vagina, and continue doing so — moving it in and out and sometimes even sideways — until you ejaculate.
Fortunately, you don’t have to give up. Just because she’s in a diabetic coma doesn’t mean she’s not interested in you. And just because she can’t hear you or see you or breathe without a respirator doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you to profess your attraction to her.
Before you say or do anything, though, check her hands for rings. Not those asshole hipster rings servers at The Ace Hotel wear. But wedding rings. If she has one of those — or, if her skin is lighter where the ring should be; an obvious sign that she had a ring on but a friend or family member removed it for her for safe keeping while she remains in the diabetic coma — don’t pursue her. Because she belongs to someone else, and that would be rude.
But if you see no rings, proceed. And follow these five vital steps.
1. Don’t assume that just because she’s in a diabetic coma, she can’t notice you
Science doesn’t yet know what people in comas can and can’t notice. Maybe, underneath that whole middle stage of ketoacidosis mess, she’s laying there thinking “I wish this handsome man would approach and talk to me while I’m in this diabetic coma.” Of course, you don’t know if she’s thinking that. But you don’t don’t know either.
2. Bring her snacks
If she’s in a diabetic coma, the doctors and nurses at the hospital she’s in probably have her on a strict diet. So that she can come out of the coma, of course. But, I’m certain that diet doesn’t have her favorite snacks on it, and she’s probably laying in that diabetic coma and dreaming about those snacks. What better way to impress her with your thoughtfulness than to sneak a box of Krispy Kremes under her pillow?
3. Whisper Bible verses in her ear
While she’s laying there in that diabetic coma, unconscious and unable to move or speak — essentially rendered completely incapacitated by hypoglycemia — every moment matters. Because, whether she can see you or even know if you’re there or not, first impressions are still vital. So take this opportunity to reveal that you’re a God-fearing man. Download a Bible app on your iPhone, and use it to recite and whisper verses in her ear. Also, don’t be too ambitious with off-brand Books like Ezra or Zephaniah. You might come off as a try-hard or creep. Keep it simple with Psalms.
4. Take selfies with her, and publish them to social media
After you’ve finished whispering Bible verses in the ear of a woman with a diabetic coma, slide next to her and take a selfie. And then publish it on Instagram and/or Facebook. And write a caption telling everyone how beautiful she is. You can even hashtag it #sleepingbeauty. That might be corny, but women love confident corny.
Why? Well, when she emerges from the diabetic coma, the first thing she’s going to do is check her notifications. And what better post diabetic coma surprise than to see all the likes and well-wishes she’s received, all because of a handsome stranger’s gesture. Trust me, if you do this, she’ll definitely accept your friend request. And maybe even a date.
5. Just stand over her with a confident, easy-going smile
I know, I know, I know. Dan Bacon already shared this tactic when advising men how to talk to women with headphones on. But sometimes things you hear are so good you have to steal them. (Sorry Dan!) And I just don’t see a better way to endear yourself to this beautiful and unconscious woman a Juicy Fruit stick away from death than to just stand over her bed and smile at her. Of course, she’s in a coma and might continue to be in one for a while, so you might be standing and smiling for a long time. Hours. Maybe even days. Which is why you should prep yourself with a bottle of water.
And then, when she wakes up, she’ll see your smiling face. And I’m sure she’ll be thirsty. For the water (which you can give her) and your attention (which you can give her too!)