How To Prove Your Own Murder (#HTPYOM) » VSB

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How To Prove Your Own Murder (#HTPYOM)

Yesterday morning, I found myself searching for answers on the 6 train. I did everything I was supposed to do but, sometimes that falls short. Talk to God. Be objective. Consider all sides. Listen to the elders. But nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing. So how do you make the case for your own murder when nothing else works? A 30-minute ride to work brought me to this:

Scrub your Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat of all menacing photos. Add in photos with full smiles, posing with your kids and you on the job. No hand gestures, music references or anything that can be misconstrued or serve as bait. Add in some of those Jesus “copy + paste” statuses for good measure.

You’ll need these images for the press and for your family to fight the trolls who will try to vilify you as “just another” or even a “thug.” The images are good for the GoFundMe as well which will provide for your children in your absence and pay for your funeral and casket.

Travel with a fully charged cell and bring a boost charger. Your spouse or your parent or your sibling or your kid will need this to film your full murder. The story has to be compelling–proving faith, good diction, respect for authority and so on. She will have to become a Scorsese of sorts. She will have to be strong. Capturing gross injustice on-the-fly with artful flair. CNN will loop it all day. America will pause for an entire news cycle …and then move on.

Have gun. Get gun license. Document and seal.

The forensics might not *scratch that* will not be enough.

Gather stories. Good stories from good folk who can account for your character and gentle nature. These will not hold weight to the exposés about your ‘rap sheet’ or propensity toward crime. They will, however, make interesting bookends for the few journalists who will share your truth.

Your children must be part of the narrative. This will be tough, but it’s required. Make the child young, but with the double-consciousness of W.E.B. Dubois. The body of a 4 year-old with the soul of a church mother. News anchors will tear on-air, but will not give her a name. Nonetheless, this will help.

Put a lion or chimp in the backseat. Give it a strong name like Harambee for some irony. This will ensure ‘likes’ and global sympathies, extending your story. Maybe it can even take a bullet.

Keep an updated list of local prosecutors, judges, medical examiners and others who will go ‘ghost’ on your family, lose evidence or make the case that you are both the murdered and the murderer. Your mother and wife will need those names and contacts to build your case when the system just, ‘can’t.’

Package and disseminate.

LIsa Kay Davis

Lisa Kay Davis gets paid to craft tweets and hashtags for the corporate world, sometimes writes and enjoys eating way too many overpriced, artisanal cupcakes. She combats social injustice with excessive snark and heavy side-eye.

  • PinkRose

    I say buy a small dog and carry it with you at all times so if you’re killed, the dog will probably get killed too. Wypipo get real sympathetic/emphathetic when dogs die.

    • Kas

      Problem is someone might kill you trying to protect the dog.

      • PinkRose

        The maybe wear the dog on your head to prevent head shots.

        • Kas

          Overalls with multiple pockets to fit numerous puppies is the only way to ensure your survival.

          • Buster Cannon

            Getting my clothes ready in the morning like:

            http://i.imgur.com/W4xjqv2.jpg

            • Kas

              How did you even find that?

              • Buster Cannon

                Google image searched “puppies in pockets” lol

                • Hmmm…we may need a group rate on patent for those.

                • Val

                  Lol Simple.

            • L8Comer

              lolol!!! Yayyy!! so cute!!

            • Tee

              Where did you find this? I want them!

            • Charles Johnson

              FOR THE WIN!

            • Mochasister

              I love fur babies! But not more than humans.

              • Susandrodriguez

                <<o. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::::!!be400p:….,….

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Sara McLachlan will sing at the funeral. Not ours, the dog, but that’s better that what were going to get so I’m good with that.

      • So hilarious.

        • Judy Gardner

          <<o. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::::!be119p:….,….

          • Judy….. this lady’s income is frankly none of my business.

            • brothaskeeper

              *whispers* she can’t hear you.

    • Tee

      I laughed. That ain’t right but it is true!

    • Janelle Doe

      I am not so sure. The ownership of the dog may work against you and lead to Michael Vick references… It is different for us. Especially if the dog gets shot the narrative will become about our poor dog ownership skills or what have you.

      • L8Comer

        Tsk. Tsk. they’re so reckless carrying a dog around in that hot car w/o all the safety precautions… etc

    • Wise Old Owl

      I say get yourself a Taylor Swift full body suit or any white female full body suit and mask and wear it…

      Lisa, wonderful read…you are indeed a Very Smart Sista.

      • PinkRose

        Trade in my honey kissed curves, for a lanky, flat butt, paleface? Nah, imma have to pass on that and take my chances with the puppy on my head.

    • geniuschef

      Nah Nah They be shooting dogs too! Remember, they equate us to dogs… expendable!

    • QueenRaven23

      My dog is small too. But she’s all black and crippled so…

  • It’s quite sad that we really have to even think like this. My FB was scrubbed when looking for a new gig – so I get it.

    But to scrub to avoid character assassination. CRAZY

    Mine would read: She loved to travel, enjoyed spending time with family, framily friends and her Nitro. And paying for overpriced meals!

    • Charles Johnson

      I remember there was a tag on black twitter that mentioned how they want to be remembered before they become vilified to deny their humanity.

  • Asiyah

    I’m tearing up. There shouldn’t be a need for all of this, but I know…

    mind’s jumbled.

  • It’s hard to do ANY of this if I’m automatically “guilty” once I step outside…

    • Kas

      Who told you that you were allowed outside? That’s the problem. We give “you people” a few rights and y’all start taking liberties.

    • PinkRose

      You were “guilty” at conception.

      • Kas

        Nope, all life is precious until birth. Then a lot of folks stop caring.

        • Charles Johnson

          They blame the mom for having kids especially those they can afford or born out of wedding

        • grownandsexy2

          They don’t believe in abortion. They want us to give birth so they can kill us.

    • Ashley K.

      You’re guilty even if you’re the who called the cops…unless you’re a 2520 of course.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      You were guilty as soon as you came out the womb. Remember how you started crying all aggressively, making the white staff fear for their lives? Maybe even assumed you had a weapon in the womb with you, so they patted you down, and then spanked you…..you’ve been through so much sir.

  • Being Black is exhilarating and tiresome.
    Also: Get and NRA sticker or one those friends of benevolent officers sticker to seal the deal.

    • Jennifer

      Since stuffed animals in the back window don’t work anymore, this sounds like a good idea.

  • Negro Libre

    In the next decade or so, I think it will be possible:

    Buy a drone, very small one no bigger than your phone with a webcam, it should also have a strong battery that can last 24hours, and then have it record you and save it to google drive. Call it Paparazzi-bot. Charge it on the dashboard of your car while you’re driving.

    I figure if cops can now use a bot and just blow you up like a movie, you should be able to use a bot to protect yourself 24/7 in public.

  • Ashley K.

    Lisa, the most important part of proving your own murder starts with getting rid of your melanin. If you don’t do that first, all of the rest is for naught.

  • Or…

  • HouseOfBonnets

    We can also be white, at least middle calss and a woman because they get the best coverage…..See Nancy Grace.

  • YeaSoh

    Girl, nice read but trust me they don’t need a reason to kill us – never have. Being black is the biggest and only offense we’d have to erase or over-up in order to get treated like human beings and not cockroaches

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