How To Have Bad Sex, Part 2: “You Made Me Bleed My Own Blood!” » VSB

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How To Have Bad Sex, Part 2: “You Made Me Bleed My Own Blood!”

20th Century Fox screenshot

 

So, I met this guy a good while ago in another city. We lost contact, both ended up in New York around the same time some years back, decided to hang out. He’s extremely attractive—face, body, smile, height, eyes, full package—so I’m pretty geeked about this. We’ll call him Ricky. Pretty Ricky what they call em.

Ricky invites me to a Halloween party that’s maybe two weeks before Halloween. I’m side-eyeing the hell out of the people who decided to throw this, because I don’t understand why people think it’s reasonable to ask others to dress up weeks before the time of. But on the same token, Halloween is my birthday, so I actually don’t mind being able to do something Halloween-esque before the day itself. That didn’t stop me from wearing a black and white striped dress and telling everyone I was hipster Wednesday Addams instead of spending money I didn’t have on a real costume, but I’ve seen White people dress up as literal concepts before, so whatever. Besides, it’s not my party and I can be lazy if I want to. That didn’t make much sense, but it did give me a newfound respect for songwriters.

Anyway, I see Ricky there. He’s drunkenly chasing a random White girl around for most of the night. By this, I mean she’s holding him by the hand and dragging him around, and he’s grinning goofily. Or as goofily as someone so attractive can grin. I am surprised, because he’d never struck me as the type to be that guy, but there are four floors of party and alcohol and cute people, so I don’t really sweat it.

The night goes on, I’m being offered free blue label scotch by the owner of one of the apartments, and things are going well; at one point, I start to feel happy that he hasn’t shown up in a little while. Eventually, I’m speaking with an aspiring French pastry chef, and Ricky sits down nearby, brooding. We’re not speaking English, so he can’t really join the conversation. I’m more focused on getting free pastries because I have very clear priorities in life, so he just sits there for a bit, and finally I break off conversation and speak to him. The girl pops up again, and he ignores the hell out of her. I ask if everything is okay with them.

“Who, her? I don’t even know her. She just wanted me to follow her around all night.“

“So you did?”

“I didn’t have anything else better to do.”

…Oh. I’m just kind of here for the pastries and scotch and this point, as I tend to be in most situations, so I don’t really question it. He’s clearly uncomfortable, though—the sort of discomfort you feel when you’ve grown up almost entirely around Black people and are surrounded by White people for too long—but seems a little too drunk to handle it properly and it becomes sort of a vague aggression. Eventually, I calm him down and convince him not to start a random fight, which he says he’s going to do because he’s a confused twenty-year-old boy with alcohol and feelings in his system. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have fought anyone that night, but I do think it made him feel less out of place, so that worked out, I guess. We go back to his apartment and get into his bed, where he politely informs me that he doesn’t give head to women, which—lololol k.

After he gives me head, things are feeling pretty decent, so I decide to let it go further than that. So, let’s just get something out of the way right now. My cervix doesn’t owe anyone money. It didn’t steal anyone’s bike. It didn’t serve anyone lukewarm potato salad. It didn’t run a Boston on anyone and talk shit for seven months. It didn’t sign Tyga to a record deal. It didn’t smash anyone’s moms and never call her—er, well, that one might have actually happened. REGARDLESS. I have to be honest—I enjoy a little rough stuff occasionally. I even venture into the realm of the masochistic sometimes. It can be fun. Thrilling, even.

But. BUT.

This dude fucked like his mom came to school in rollers to beat his ass and then put rollers in HIS hair for all of third grade. Like his big sister stole his first girlfriend and tatted ‘dyke lyfe’ on his forehead while he was sleeping. Like he was trying to get added to the Method Man Torture intro retroactively. Things started off nice… And then… OUCH. Suddenly I’m on the receiving end of every piece of pent up rage for the world this dude has ever had. Completely unprompted. As I’m trying to get him to slow down, he finishes up. And by that, I mean he throws me off of him in a panic and sprints to the bathroom to pull off his condom and do it in the toilet. Apparently, he had some sort of weird anxiety about getting women pregnant… Okay. I guess maybe he’s super fertile like Future.

I join him in the bathroom to clean up. He looks down… Blood everywhere. “You on your period?” he asks.

“No, nigga.” He looks bewildered. I look Dorothy Mantooth after being taken out for a lovely seafood dinner and never being called again.

“Oh… That’s so nasty, ugh.” I look bewildered. We’re some bewildered motherfuckers, collectively. I get my shit and leave, because, NIGGA.

I found out weeks later that he was just embarrassed and didn’t know what to say, so lesson learned for him, I guess. Unfortunately, most women have probably experienced this at least once, to varying extremes. And I wish I could say this has only happened with younger guys, but I’ve been introduced to other people’s insecurities this way as well. I was even told by an older woman that I just didn’t know how to “take dick.” Apparently she is either Elastigirl or has trained her cervix to turn into steel—I’m not really sure which. I am sure that she, like a lot of people, needs to unlearn some things.

And look, I sort of get it. Every song on the radio is telling you to beat it up. Tear it up. Write a letter to its niggas saying it ain’t never coming home. Unfortunately, you are in all likelihood neither a rapper nor a porn star. And actually paying attention to the person you’re having sex with sort of helps, as a general rule. Seriously… My vagina is not a home for your emotional woes. Talk to your psychotherapist. Dry-hump a punching bag. I don’t really care. Just keep the uncontrolled aggression away from me and my genitals.

Natalie Degraffinried

Natalie is a writer, music-lover, gamer, and Black movie quote code-switcher. Cleveland is the reason. Catch her writing about anxiety, dating, atheism, and a bunch of other stuff at natisextra.com.

  • Charles Johnson

    90s – music about making love, 00s – music about beating it up, 2015 – eating that booty like groceries.. we aint gonna make it.

  • Neka W.

    Oh dear gawd. The worst. You should’ve found home girl and had her continue to lead him around the party hand in hand. I hope you at least got the pastry connect!

  • Having blood on your **** is like the scariest ish ever.

    • It’s messed up because you think “Dang, she’s wet.” Then the lights come on aaaaaand it’s the unsexiest thing on Earth.

      • It’s like, d*mn gotta throw myself out this hotel window now. Why weren’t you telling me I was hurting you?!

        • I think some women don’t want you to think that they can’t take it.

          • We can’t have s*x ever again if you’re bleeding and you’re not on your period. Messes with my mind too much.

          • Pinks

            I’ve heard that thicker women can’t take it as well as skinnier ones, which has me baffled.

            • From my experience it’s been more cushion for the pushing. What does boggle my mind is that short women be letting you go for broke. That makes no sense.

              • Pinks

                There has to be some sort of physics-related explanation. I’m going to ask my OBGYN.

                When I first started seeing her, I asked her if there was a reason I might’ve been experiencing pain during certain positions and she told me that thicker, wider peens hit different spots than long, thin ones do, which can make your cervical walls sore. She also showed different positions for maximizing g-spot stimulation with a small peen and I was like well dang, sistagirl.

                • I would have never thought to ask an OBGYN about that but it’s such the rational person to ask.

                • Yoles

                  long thin phallus feels like:
                  paps smear revenge to me.. ask her why a thicker one of smae lenth doesn’t feel like a medical exam.. K thx

            • uNk

              This is true so Ive been told

            • Ani-Q

              Yeah that makes no sense. How does height/weight co-relate to depth of a vagina? Every women has varying canal depths; arousal elongates your canal and certain positions changes it/ shortens it. You gaining 100lbs aint going change your vag potential.

              • Pinks

                Yea, I don’t get it either. But this is coming from several men I’ve asked, and I figure they’d know better than I would lol

            • Yoles

              Tis a DAMN LIE

              • Epsilonicus

                Lemme find out lol

        • Mika

          F. that. I am too old to say it don’t hurt. cause then i may have to go to the doctor and that sh*t costs money.

          • Reasons why older women >>>>>

          • CrayolaGirl

            Right. I would have tighten my legs up so quick and said….dude, if you don’t chill the F out with my cervix, this will stop dead in its tracks!

        • PDL – Cape Girl

          Cause apparently she’s 20 and don’t know to speak and say what she wants/will do versus not.

        • Ani-Q

          But you see this is so weird to me. Who are these women? It cant be young-ins exclusively. Majority of women are in fetal position crying about menses cramps, ready to call in sick but you are going to be mum when a dude is beating up your cervix. Insane!

        • QuirlyGirly

          Wayment- you only beat it up in hotels? why you throwing yourself out the hotel window?

          • PhlyyPhree

            Malik sounds like a classy lover. He doesn’t have affairs; he has assignations

            • QuirlyGirly

              *sings Chosey Lover by the Isley Brothers- but replaces chosey with classy.. LOL

          • Looks like a murder scene.

    • PhlyyPhree

      Really? I mean….women bleed. Once a month. Sometimes the start or end of that bleeding will coincide with a time that your pe nis is in there. I’m not saying it happens all the time, but enough that I would think it wouldn’t be scary. Eh.

      • Don’t like the idea that I did something horrifically violent during chex

        • PhlyyPhree

          Ohhhhhhh. Got it.
          It just seems more terrifying to me if it NEVER happens. Like the time I broke that one guy’s peen. Now THAT???? Absolutely terrifying. I guess I’m used to the fact that every now and then there will be blood. Meh.

          • Lea Thrace

            broken peen stories are always horrifyingly hilarious.

            • Medium Meech

              *DOWNVOTE

              • Lea Thrace

                i said horrifying too… lol

              • PhlyyPhree

                It wasn’t really broken. By the time we left the hospital, it worked perfectly fine in fact

            • PhlyyPhree

              Once the screaming stopped, I lauuuughheedddd and lauggheeedddddd

              • Medium Meech

                You. are. a. MONSTER.

                • PhlyyPhree

                  I think your autocorrect spelled “Savage’ wrong.

                  Nothing was actually broken. We busted a blood vessel being too vigorously enthusiastic. Tis all.

                  • Medium Meech

                    When you’re on top don’t try and be a hero. Just make sure everyone gets home in one piece.

                    • PhlyyPhree

                      I was TRYING to get us somewhere. I never realized how fragile those things are. One wrong bounce….

          • Yoles

            Me too.. it happens.. certain times in our cycle the cervix is softer and shyt.. welp

            • Medium Meech

              SO this is the topic that brings you out of the wilderness?

              • Yoles

                i missed u so much handsome, i just couldn’t stay away a minute longer!!!

                i was on some other topics but i don’t know what times threads are popping anymore

          • Val

            Wow. Had no idea those things could be broken. I’m learning so much today.

            • PhlyyPhree

              ME EITHER. I have learned much in my short time here on this earth

      • Epsilonicus

        Aint nobody swimming in red rivers

  • Nick Peters

    You do realize that all these stories involve copious amounts of alcohol for everyone involved?….

    And it’s only 1-3 inches to find the G-Spot

    • That’s how young people do it.

  • GLAMCAM

    Never a good look. Never. Ever. And there is always that minute or two of trying to figure out what happened. SMH.

  • HAHA

    A virtual stranger invites you to a party where he ignores you all night but still manages to get you in his bed where he pounds your Lucy like Mike Tyson did Frank Bruno leaving you bloody and your attitude appears to be I’ll do this again but with less aggression?

    VSB Management: DIS TEW MERCH.

    • PDL – Cape Girl

      Upvote, upvote, upvote….that’s all I can contribute. I might get booted off the island…lolololol

    • Ani-Q

      So many questions……

    • Pinks

      I meeeaaaaaaaaan stranger things have happened lol

    • Natalie Degraffinried

      “and your attitude appears to be I’ll do this again but with less aggression?”

      ?

      (We’d known each other for years)

      • HAHA

        “So, I met this guy a good while ago in another city. We lost contact, both ended up in New York around the same time some years back, decided to hang out.”

        Sorry this is my down voting your explanation because of your own admission.

        • Natalie Degraffinried

          Now I’m confused

    • PhlyyPhree

      You’d be surprised some of the lesser reasons I’ve heard to take subpar peen. The best being “it was better than another night organizing my stamp collection”*

      *I– I mean, my friend used that stamp collection justification in AWL seriousness

      • HAHA

        Maybe you should suggest she take up origami. That has to be more thrilling than taking sub-par peen. Or knitting. I started knitting when I moved to Denver a few months ago, it’s helped with the lack of black peen in the area.

        • PhlyyPhree

          Eh. I suck at knitting and I’ve been crocheting a baby blanket for four years now.
          I’m thinking macrame? Or needle point? Those are lost arts

        • ” I started knitting when I moved to Denver a few months ago, it’s helped with the lack of black peen in the area.”

          *file that under reasons to move*

        • Simone-Elise Charles

          I tell all the Black women who move to Denver to export the peen or become bisexual. #23 yeas in Denver.

      • Val

        Philately though.

      • Yea. After an unfortunate experience last January, I vowed not to do the deed again until/unless i was almost certain it won’t be wack.

  • I can’t even get past the title LOL

  • I have to admit, after a half a bottle of Cuervo, I ain’t about to slow roll it unless I’m bluntly told to do so. It’s hard to keep that beast in the cage.

  • LadyIbaka

    ?!

  • Aly

    It sounds like you’re expecting too much from drunken, casual s3x.

    • Probably an off night for Ricky.

      • Aly

        Maybe. Or he could just be bad in bed.

      • QuirlyGirly

        Look at you- giving that man the benefit of the doubt. smh

        I think he was taking his uncomfortability, discomfort and aggression from the party out of her cervix.

    • Natalie Degraffinried

      Expecting not to be in pain is expecting too much? >_>

      Girl…

      • Aly

        If you told him to be more gentle, of course he should have done that. But the rest of it – his reaction to the blood, finishing in the toilet, etc. It’s like you’re expecting these dudes to be more… considerate? thoughtful? when you don’t know each other and he was already drunk and aggressive. But ok, you got it.

        • Natalie Degraffinried

          Ohhh—we knew each other. Not super well, but well enough. I think that’s what’s not coming through in what I wrote. But I also don’t see what’s not weird about getting up, running to the bathroom and taking off a condom to finish in a toilet. Has that happened to you a lot? >_>

          • Aly

            No, it’s not coming through considering you wrote that you’d “lost touch.” And yes, it’s super weird that he ran to the bathroom. Not my point, though.

          • No, that’s just strange.

          • Dana Naildiva Bowman

            Naw. That’s just…odd. And I’ve been told some things.

            By friends.

        • Ive never heard of anyone finishing int he toilet tho…like really???

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