Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured

How To Have Bad Sex, Part 1: “Do You Always Cum That Hard?”

The last year of my life has been a whirlwind of good fortune—research grants, meeting awesome new people, graduation, new job, and a lot of other stuff that’s mainly related to uncomfortably sexual experiences with food I can’t really afford. But if there’s one thing I can just about count on as a single young woman living life in the city, it’s crazy, terrible shit happening in bed. I could write you a solid hundred pages of what’s wrong with sex education in America—especially as it relates to women’s bodies—but instead, I’m hoping to give you something a little more practical to work with; stories of the more ridiculous things that have happened to me while doing the perpendicular tango. And no, I don’t actually call it that, but I’m a jerk and I’m entirely hoping you got a ridiculous mental image.

And, for those of you who have already discovered sustained peace in your sex lives, just take this entire series as a reason to never, ever, ever fuck a writer. Badly, at least.

***

We’ll start with a mild one. This dude was sort of different for me. I met him on OKCupid, where he seemed pretty attractive. Nice smile, good height, locs when I was still going through a locs phase. We exchanged numbers, and after a particularly flaky month on my end, we finally decided to hang out. He invited me to a bar in Manhattan; and I have to say, since we both lived in Brooklyn at the time, this should have been red flag number one. I lived off the J, he was in one of those dead zones where no train in particular is nearby. This was not logistically sound.

Anyway, I got to the bar and he was running late. I checked everything out in the meantime—the bar seems cool enough, but it’s really, really dark. I also can’t help thinking that this looks like every dive bar in Brooklyn that is not a 40-minute train ride away, but, positive thinking. Finally, my date arrived, and I stopped going through my customary why-am-I-in-Manhattan mantra. He looked… okay. Not as good as he did in his pictures, but also not bad enough to cancel the date immediately by far.

Anyway, we got to talking, and we hit it off. I was actually pleasantly surprised by how well we were clicking at this point—he got every video game, music, movie, and TV reference I made. Needless to say, I was impressed. I was also enjoying the liquor here, even though it was overpriced for the quality and amount. Again, Manhattan. I won’t mention that I was paying for my own drinks in a bar in Manhattan I was invited to by this guy because that would be petty. Also, he was drinking vodka neat, and while I get that everyone has experienced a little bit of self-hate before, I didn’t really understand why he decided to share it on his first date with me.

Anyway, once I was liquored up and laughing, we ended up taking a walk around Washington Square Park. There, an awkward make out session happened—I realized a few minutes after that there were no less than about fifteen kids playing in this weird rope jungle gym thing maybe twenty feet on front of us—something between monkey bars and a large hammock. Luckily, it was dark enough that no one saw us, I ended up repeating to myself for the rest of the week. Eventually, we got kicked out due to the park closing. Sidebar: as a Cleveland girl whose teenage sex life largely relied on vacant, poorly lit public spaces, I didn’t realize parks closing was even a thing. Anyway, we went back to his place. I’ll mention again here that dude lived in the middle of approximately nothing transportation-wise. So we got off a train and walked over 20 minutes to his place, and after some bullshitting and that sort of polite let’s-pretend-we’re-not-here-to-have-sex thing that happens, we ended up messing around a little.

The messing around started off very pleasant. He was still mostly clothed at this point. I enjoyed myself—not to an abnormal extent, I would say, but apparently, I made an impression; I ended up laying with my eyes closed, enjoying a pre-sex orgasm haze, when I felt him lay next to me and move closer to my ear. He immediately blew my momentary high:

“Do you always cum that hard?”

“…”

Umm. Okay. So, first order of business is that the above was my immediate reaction. Deadass—my face was an ellipsis in a thought bubble. I managed to catch the “???” before it happened, fortunately. Second: Why in the name of Aubrey Graham’s sentient turtlenecks would you ask me that?! Walk with me for a second.

Let’s say the answer is yes. Now everything is awkward for everyone. You’re wondering about the sex I have with other people and probably losing that special butterfly feeling you got from inducing some feel-good. Unless you’re about to organize an orgy with refreshments for me or do something spectacular with the information, now is not the time for you to ask me about my general sex life and what I’m doing with other people.

Let’s say the answer is no. Well actually, no, let’s not do that. BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY NOT NO. Unless you happen to have given me the best (or worst) orgasm of my life the first time we have sex, this question will not lead to anything productive. There is no straight answer that will leave both parties feeling comfortable and confident in themselves after the fact. The point is: if you’re asking a question in bed and only want to hear a particular answer, don’t ask it. You might not have the juice like you thought. His mama called him Clay… I’m probably not gon’ call him Daddy. That last sentence makes sense in a dead language. Just take my word for it.

“……………………………Occasionally.”

That’s what I eventually went with. And despite that answer being a masterwork of tact, restraint, and diplomacy, it was still awkward. Because of course it was.

Anyway, thanks in part to the happy tidings he’d provided just before that moment, things continued on… And then he took his shirt off. Sigh. Siiiigh. I’ll just say that what I saw was unsettling. And at this point, the momentum to just ignore it wasn’t there. Immediately, I tried to find a way to get out of having sex.

But, while I don’t honestly mind a long walk to get to where I need to go, this wasn’t the type of neighborhood where I was trying to be out and about at 3am in the morning (especially with post-gasm glow). Long story short… I spent the rest of my night pretending I was in bed with Jason Momoa. Look, I don’t want to get into it.

(The real kicker: he gave me a hickey. I should have shredded his sheets.)

Natalie Degraffinried

Natalie is a writer, music-lover, gamer, and Black movie quote code-switcher. Cleveland is the reason. Catch her writing about anxiety, dating, atheism, and a bunch of other stuff at natisextra.com.

  • pls

    one guy gave me the business so good I began laughing involuntarily. i would burst into a laughing fit every time he got me there. now that’s awkward!

    • Hella awkward. But I think it’s one of those things when somebody else starts laughing, you have to laugh at them so everybody wins.

    • miss t-lee

      I may or may not not know exactly what you’re talking about.

    • uNk

      Depending on the type of laugh you might have ol boy all types of confused lol

    • TeeChantel

      My awkward misadventure happened leading up to the chex. I was about to get into with dude when he took his shirt off and I noticed a very nice chest tattoo. I asked him about it and he said it was relatively new – he got it a few days earlier. I noticed the tattoo was supposed to read Aquarius but it really read Aquarus. He was so upset..he had no idea the tattoo was spelled wrong. Poor baby, I felt so bad for him.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        LOL…I’m laughing

      • I don’t understand how misspelled tattoos happen. Any artist worth a damb is going to have you look at the placement, spelling, size, etc before they even touch you with a needle. Old boy ok’d the work so he should be mad at himself.

        • miss t-lee

          Exactly. Most artists will double or triple check before they even start.

          • This is how I know that people don’t do research or really care about the tattoos on them. They just enjoy the idea of having tattoos in general.

            • miss t-lee

              Exactly.

            • TeeChantel

              I really think he (the guy) was a really bad speller. But you’re right that’s no excuse. Tattoos are too damn permanent. Get my ish right the first time.

              • Even if he was a bad speller, the artist in question should care enough about their work to ensure things are spelled correctly, shading is perfect, lines are smooth, etc. Your work is on a walking billboard. If I see a crappy tattoo on someone I always ask who did it and if it’s at an actual legit shop, I always make a mental note to NEVER go there.

                • TeeChantel

                  Very true. I refused to follow up and get the details behind what happened.
                  And probably part of the reason why I don’t have tattoos. I would be horrified to be in a position like that.

            • Aye Bee

              Exactly. I drew out all of my tatts (where I wanted them placed) and looked at pics of them for months before I actually got them. I had even drawn one that I ended up changing bc I didn’t like the way it looked once I had finished it (it was my bday in roman numerals on my side and I ended up going with a quote on love instead)

              • AlwaysCC

                i saved my hub’s tattoo – he AND the artist had the wrong roman numerals smdh good thing i was with him before the artist actually started inking…

                • Aye Bee

                  Eek! I’m sure he is glad you saved him. I didn’t like the blockiness of it and didn’t want the edges softened up so I went with cursive writing.

                  • AlwaysCC

                    it was just part of a larger design so it works on him. i’m not big into writing at all – so i wouldn’t do it. but i’ve seen some realllly nice roman numeral designs that have made me want to rethink my stance lol at some point i think i’ll have to decide i’m too old to be spending this money on new ink lol

          • Sigma_Since 93

            An investment in a Webster’s dictionary is wise regardless of your spelling ability

            • miss t-lee

              That’s not really gonna help you if you can’t spell the word to find it.

        • haute_coutoy

          Exactly. I blame them both. The artist asks for your approval before putting the needle on ya. So ol boy looked in the mirror and said YUP that’s good!

      • miss t-lee

        Eek!

      • haute_coutoy

        **snickering** how embarrassing, did he get it done at black ink??

        • TeeChantel

          *snickers*
          Oh Sh!t. I think he got it done somewhere in Jersey. I was so turned off, I couldn’t even ask the important probing questions…that probably would have thrown more salt in the wound LOL

          • HeyBooHey

            In North Jersey?!? Cuz my ex definitely went somewhere out there, got part of Psalms 23 on his chest and they put “though” instead of “through”

            • TeeChantel

              South like Pemberton/Browns Mills area. Maybe Philly, I’m not even sure.

              • Dougie

                Nothing good happens in South Jersey.

                • TeeChantel

                  Excuse me, I’m from South Jersey. I’m good.

                  • Dougie

                    Well please accept my sincerest apologies. I have a North Jersey bias. Anything below Union County doesn’t get a fair shot from me.

                    But yes, you’re good. You hold it down for below the Jersey-Dixon line.

                    • TeeChantel

                      That North Jersey bias is real. I went to Montclair St. for college so luckily, I’ve had the best of both worlds.

      • Dougie

        El. Em. Ay. Oh!

    • HeyBooHey

      This has happened. Another time, I cried like my pet had just died. The confusion that caused will never be lived down

      • TeeChantel

        That crying biz though…………………………………………

      • Sounds like you caught the Holy Spirit

        • HeyBooHey

          In some ways, this could be fact

      • Yoles

        i’ve cried real sobbing heaving tears after a big O.. at first its confusing but then a couple of dudes i was with actually made it a goal.. everybody wins!!!!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Laughing to keep from screaming. I can work with that.

  • HAHA

    Hold up I thought you was a les…nvm.

  • [Insert Creative Name Here]

    While I agree that hickeys on adults (or any age for that matter) is ridiculous…maybe I have to wait for Part 2?

    • Natalie Degraffinried

      I’m breaking the series in with a mild one. It gets worse.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        With the same dude?????????

        • Natalie Degraffinried

          Lmaoooo no, not at all. He didn’t get a date number two.

  • Roz Cat

    TMI

  • Animate

    All of this and I’m most curious about “he got every video game, music, movie, and TV reference I made”. What are said references? The video game ones in particular.

    • She hit him with the Konami code. Up, up, down, down….

  • I think the sexual misadventures is what makes the game fun. I remember the mishaps more fondly than the good sessions because it’s always funny in hindsight. I just want to know what was going on under dude’s shirt that could have been that bad.

    • Aly

      Third nipple?

    • uNk

      Idk man theres a couple women I wish I could take my d*ck count back from lol

      • Every has woke up an gone “I need to do better with life.” a time or two.

      • HeyBooHey

        I’m a firm believer that bad shex automatically constitutes a renege on the count. In my mind, it never happened

        • Agreed

        • haute_coutoy

          I agree

        • uNk

          Nah…claim that mistake. Say it with me HeyBoo

          RE-SPONS- I-BILITY

          • HeyBooHey

            What mistake?!? I know not what you speak of…

        • yup

        • cakes_and_pies

          I will Men In Black that experience and actually forget it ever happened.

      • Mika

        LMAO well that escalted quickly

        • uNk

          LOL im just saying tho!! But I embrace my bad decisions

      • HAHA

        Mayne, maybe they wish you would too. Just kidding. Carry on.

        • PDL – Cape Girl

          Staaap

    • Maybe dude’s chest was hairier than a grizzly’s?

      • uNk

        I’m also now curious what she saw that scarred her mental lol

        • We all curious! She got PTSD and everything from it.

  • miss t-lee

    Hickeys?
    How unfortunate.

  • uNk

    “he got every video game, music, movie, and TV reference I made”

    I cant date somebody I cant make entertainment references with. Nothing worse than getting a hilarious joke out about something and they look at you like you just told an inside joke with somebody behind them. I watch/listen to too much and I need somebody who can understand just how funny and clever I actually am.

    • HeyBooHey

      But once you find someone who gets the references AND can finish them?!?! You gotta marry them off GP, it’s the only way

      • uNk

        Exactly!! or if they call out a reference from something like real intricate you thought only you knew about? Im on bended knee

        • HeyBooHey

          I almost proposed to boo for catching and completing the most random line from Rush Hour. Legit pulled over in the middle of Suitland Parkway and just stared at him like he was a unicorn. I may go ring shopping on my lunch break

          • Jennifer

            LOL! He’s got you stopping on the side of Suitland Pkwy?! That’s love.

            • HeyBooHey

              Luckily, it was a Sunday. And yes, I’m extremely scared that it was, indeed, the makings of love smh

              • PhlyyPhree

                I was about to say, “if this isn’t love, tell me what it is” because you definitely took your life (and his) in your hands at that moment.

    • Mika

      It is like the most annoying thing ever. The best is when they say “i dont watch/tv/listen to music/do social networking”…………………… ok, (waka flaka face)

    • All of this. Because it really is like, Yo, I know what I just said was funny. Don’t play me.

    • Cleojonz

      This is why I love my husband so. He knows all of the most obscure pop culture references that I know and love and that anybody else would look at us like what the h e l l are you talking about?

  • Aly

    Sorry about the bad s ex. Based on the title, I was expecting worse.

  • TeeChantel

    Hickeys are so NOT the business.
    That deserves to be on a list of things you should not give once you reach adulthood.

    • HeyBooHey

      I only give the boo hickeys to be an a*shole. The time to give one and the appearance of it just screams bad decision making

      • TeeChantel

        Word. I can’t put that much time into giving one.

    • Dmaclee

      My husband gave me one and I didn’t know it. Right in front of my neck. I went to church for women’s ministry and dance ministry the next day like normal. A girlfriend pulled me to the side and asked did I know that I had a hickey and cracked up. My pastor’s wife said that it was clear that we were have positive communication. I was so shamed. Well, maybe not.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        He paid the price to mark you up *In my best Sunday morning Pastor’s voice*

      • miss t-lee

        How about I made it all the way to work once, and didn’t know I had one on the back of my neck until the receptionist told me?

        • Sigma_Since 93

          See if you had worn that high necked top…………:D

          • miss t-lee

            If I had known it was there I would have.
            I despise hickeys.

        • Team dark skin for the win. No hickeys ever.

          • miss t-lee

            I’m kinda light, and I bruise easily…always bad.

            • uNk

              Im extra light skinned, I could never hide them back in the day

            • Dougie

              Gotta have a spoon in the freezer just in case. #LightSkinnededProblems

              • miss t-lee

                I know you are for real with this comment.
                Only thing that works.

                • Dougie

                  *daps*

              • afronica

                *makes note*

            • AlwaysCC

              i’m brown, but i’ll be dambed if i don’t bruise/red really easily. my hubs learned a long time ago to just stay away from my neck.

              • miss t-lee

                Yeah. Bad biz all around. :(

          • Ani-Q

            Meh….. Someone just needs to find your spot

          • mochazina

            ^5

        • TeeChantel

          Girl, I had one on the side of my neck and hadn’t realized I received the mark of the beast. I went Christmas shopping with the fam the next day and my dad was like… Tee, are you getting a rash? What’s wrong? o_0

          • Detroit Skater

            bbwwwahahahahahahahaha! >>>>are you getting a rash? What’s wrong? o_0 <<< as only a parent could ask…

          • miss t-lee

            Bwahahahah. Dayum.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            your Pops was trying to determine if he needed to choke some brotha out! lol

            • TeeChantel

              LOL! For real.

          • Ani-Q

            LMAO your dad is so polite.

            • TeeChantel

              He was very polite about it.
              I can’t even remember my response to him.
              I’m sure I tried to change the subject really quick.

          • “Yes…Rash”

      • HAHA

        “My pastor’s wife said that it was clear that we were have positive communication”

        Spoken like a real Thot. She be knowing about the Wiggle Ministry.

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