How To Get Jay Z To Stop Threatening Us With New Music » VSB

Featured, Music, Pop Culture

How To Get Jay Z To Stop Threatening Us With New Music

For the past two years, malicious rumors of a Beyonce/Jay Z joint album have terrorized us on the internet. Vague ‘sources’ have been quoted everywhere from Rap Up to Vanity Fair, claiming that the cursed release is set to have a surprise stream on Tidal. This is a particularly harmful threat to a long time Jay Z stan like myself, still nursing the trauma from his “Poundcake” verse and other erroneous features — like that limerick he gave Drake — that only serve as additional dents on his already battered legacy. To make matters worse, Jay Z has stoked more fear into the hearts of millions by offering a new verse on the remix of Fat Joe and Remy Ma’s “All The Way Up.” Remy sounds better than ever, and even Joe sounds a bit refreshed. But Jay…Jay offers the rap equivalent of a $25 Black Angus gift card. You’re not gonna turn down that gift card, but its still Black Angus, so no one is getting excited about that shit.

My face contorted as I heard him name drop the success of his artistically better half’s recent album, and the elevator incident..that Bey had also…already mentioned. I audibly groaned when I heard him utter “its survival of the littest and make a David Lachapelle reference that harkened back to the days where both he and VIBE were pop culture standards of excellence. Is this foreshadowing? Does this mean that Satan’s busy ass is working a double shift and Jay is going to plague this world with a response to Lemonade or, even worse, a joint album with Bey? Each possibility is horrifying; a Jay Lemonade response is an unknown horror. Aside from “Song Cry” and “Lost Ones” we’re not sure what else to expect of a Jay album that is supposed to mirror an arguable testament to the trials of his marriage. A joint album is a more familiar punishment, as Jay and Beyonce have miraculously managed to make some of the worst music of their careers with each other. I’m also not fond of Jay sullying Bey’s musical winning streak with his stench of recent wackness, need I remind you all of his “Drunk In Love” verse? Exactly.

However, I feel a solo Jay project is more imminent. So, I have crafted some key suggestions to act as strikes against this orange level threat of new Sean Carter material.

1. Kidnap Timbaland, and Justin Timberlake

Deposit them into an unknown location for at least two to three years. Timbaland and JT are usual suspects when it comes to who Jay looks for when its time to make tepid music, as Timbo was largely responsible for Magna Carter Holy Grail. Maybe if they are not available, this will discourage him, and buy us some more time, until he goes to some monastery in Nepal to unearth Rick Rubin.

2. Pay Foxy Brown to tail him and follow him to all his favorite studio locations.

If there’s one person Jay seems to ignore and avoid on purpose, it’s Foxy, theories as to why notwithstanding. She can serve as a powerful asset to the Stop Jay Z agenda. I’d wager that she is not that quick to turn down a check, we can groupfund her payments. Perhaps the mere site of Inga Marchand and her steely piercing blue contacts glaring at him, while she’s pacing back and forth in front of his creative spaces — and threatening to plunder him with her Louis Speedy bag — will hinder his process.

3. Hack into Tidal 

Undoubtedly any and everything Jay releases will be a Tidal “exclusive” and I’m sure he’d want the roll out for such a project to go as smooth as possible. The anti Anti release. Hacking into the Tidal database (because according to all computer hacker movies, it’s always the database or system mainframe) and shaking his confidence in the possibility of said roll out having a seamless execution will buy us time. I don’t know exactly what message to send after hacking it, but make it something ominous. Post Peedi Crack mixtapes, recent Jaz O interviews. WHATEVER IT TAKES.

4. Remind him that Kingdom Come happened, and plea to his humanity

Jay hates Kingdom Come as much as we do. On his own Life and Times website, he ranked his albums from best to worst. Not surprisingly, Kingdom Come was listed as No. 12 with the caption “First game back, don’t shoot me.” He knows. What Jay attempted with Kingdom Come is what he will likely attempt at a new album meant to be a response to Bey’s Lemonade, a mature window into his adult life and his vulnerability. What resulted from such ambitions in the past is an album that should only be played as an act of mental warfare. The probability of similar wackness is very high. I propose we compile a short documentary, interviewing how Jay Z fans felt listening to the album, and how we’ve learned to heal and move past it. Make it go viral, enter it into every pretentious film festival possible until he has no choice but to face our scars.

5. Time travel

I haven’t sussed out all the details on the proposal yet. Just know that things can get very dark going down this road, and it is a point of no return.

Sure my reaction might seem hyperbolic and my plans impossible to people with no imagination or faith in magic and technology. But, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prevent having to be subjected to my favorite rapper further destroying my youthful admiration with his aggressive mediocrity. A rapper of Jay’s age even still maintaining a modicum of relevance for all these years in such a youth driven genre is a feat, yes I’ll admit. However, seeing Jay become the rapper he is today is like seeing an aging Batman in a urologist’s office.

Jay. Pls stahp :-(

Danielle Butler

Danielle Butler is a 30-ish yr old LA/Chicago hybrid whose mutant powers include shit talking, procrastinating, and relating any topic to food. Her favorite pastimes include watching Spongebob with her son, yelling at her cat, and lying about working on her book of short stories.

  • Amen

    Just mail him a Wizards Jordan jersey.

    • #coldworld However, as a Knicks fan, the Wizards Jersey is among my favorites after his Birmingham Barons Jersey. :-)

      • Freebird

        The dude scored 20 a game and shot 45 percent that last season. The Air was gone but he was still Jordan.

        • And he had the best old man jumper on the planet. Like he spent the second retirement hanging around various rec leagues and found an old man jumper guru. LOL

          • Amen

            Ha, I remember CEOs and older successful guys paying 50k for a weekend of Jordan killing them on the court. Hilarious.

      • Amen

        Oh, the jersey was cold. But the message should be sent. We don’t want to see you like this Jay. It’s getting harder and harder to defend you to my little brother.

  • Darkchloe14

    You’ve spoken truth. After DOA I was done with Jay. Nothing else he’s put out makes me optimistic about this.

  • NonyaB

    “sullying Bey’s musical winning streak with his stench of recent wackness”

    Well, dayum!

    • Valerie

      So I’m a long time lurker all the way from Houston, TX but I just wanted to say this gif looks as though Prince is saying “Black Girls Rock” or maybe I’m just THAT bored at work lol

      • NonyaB

        Ma’am, das what we call a stretch. ? But I love the direction of your stretch! I’ll allow it.

        • Valerie

          Thank you. I’m new here lol

          • NonyaB

            Welcome to the crunk garden, where we stay lit 24/7. Settle in and have some lemonade and jollof.

            • Gbadebo

              Nigerian jollof…to be specific

              • NonyaB

                Right, only the best for our crunk community!

  • Ess Tee

    Jay’s verse on “All the Way Up” is equivalent to Al Bundy waxing rhapsodic about his time on the Polk High football team. It’s like, “Go home, Jay. Close up the shop, and call it a night.”

  • Minx

    I am so glad I found you on Twitter and was able to see this immediately because

    Jay if you ever read this: you have a legacy, please Father God, if Lauryn Hill can maintain a 20 year career off one album, you can remain an icon, mogul and trophy Hubby off everything you did pre 2010. We GOOD bruh.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      The maintenance of her career has been in question for at least the last 4 years (see recent performances) ….. Not the best example to stand on. Just saying.

      • Minx

        Yes but the fact that in this 2016 there were still folks willing to buy tickets to her shows?

        I’ve been hearing these complaints since 2011 and yet….

        • HouseOfBonnets

          Well you have a point there, especially given the fact that the shows are horrid from what i’ve read.

          • Minx

            I almost aspire to possess that level of ain’t-shh ness yet people still love me.

        • Katiedortega

          “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!tr105ur

          two days ago grey McLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !tr105u:?:?:.?.?.?.? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsPlayGetPay$98Hour…. .????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!tr105o….,..

      • ChokeOnThisTea

        It’s only been in question because she started touring again. Had she just disappeared off the strength of The Miseducation, there wouldn’t be any naysayers and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

    • Johndough

      But that DDA tho? Im sorry ive always been a sucker for cocaine and cocaine influenced raps.

  • The thing is that I could handle walk Jay Z. I wouldn’t like it, but I could deal. Every MC with a 10 year plus career has made some walk music. Think the Escobar era for Nas or the No Limit years for Snoop. The thing with Jay Z is that he’s decidedly blah. Not great, not bad, but “good for his age.” However, hip hop isn’t the senior PGA Tour. He’s had his day, and he seems to be doing well in business. Let MCHG be the last album (and if so, it’s a fitting closeout) and move on.

    • Tyrell Holmes

      Black Album shoulda been his final album…do a few features here and there but that woulda been the equivalent of the Jordan shot vs the Jazz

  • Vanity in Peril

    For Jay to make a response albulm would be like when ur at your friend’s house and their cute kid does/says something cute so you laugh/coo.

    Then they do it eleventy-seven more times with that, “check the technique! “- s#it eating grin on their face and you go from mildly annoyed to ,”I’m going to pretend your child doesn’t exist”- mode.

    Or is that just me?

    That’s what this would be.

  • Brandon Allen

    Kingdom Come is trash but “Kingdom Come” the song will burn your house down. The first 5 songs are actually okay.

    • I would consider those songs at least above average. Plus 30 Something presaged a lot of his post Black Album material. Agree on the rest though.

    • Tyrell Holmes

      The Kingdom Come song is actually one of my fav Hov songs

    • Just when they thought it was all over…

      • Brandon Allen

        I put the whole world on my back and broad shoulders, The boy hova.
        Who you know talk over, tracks like that? Guess what New York, New York we back!

    • DarkSkint Dostoevsky

      Kingdom Come will not burn my house down. Is my house made of paper and dipped in gasoline? Why is my house so flammable? The first 5 songs are tolerable Jay, but I am past heralding mediocrity as a sign of promise. Stan Thou Art Loosed!

      • Brandon Allen

        Child please. The beat alone will scald your eyebrows.
        If you don’t like that, you don’t like NBA basketball.

        • Shouts to the album editor for making the call to lead with that single for the album. That track had me heralding great things for that album, but nah.

        • DarkSkint Dostoevsky

          Eyebrows still in tact and poppin.
          When composing a playlist of Jay faves, Kingdom Come will be as popular as a porkchop in a mosque. It stands out because its on an album of basura, it does not stand out irrespective of the album.

  • Freebird

    Radio and club anthems aside, I’m not sure age kills rappers as much as comfort and disconnection does. Look at Fat Joe….who has had a hit in 3 decades now. Regardless J should have stopped long before the Watch The Throne garbage. He is not emotionally honest enough to still have an impact.

    • Huh? Watch the Throne was entertaining and probably the most fun either Kanye or Jay-Z ever had on a record. Plus Fat Joe is a criminally underrated rapper for singles. He’s Pitbull with talent and actual f*cks to give.

      • Freebird

        That s hit was garbage. N iggas in Paris was horrible. I never got the WTT hype.

        You are right about Joe. He still raps like he is hungry.

        • Brandon Allen

          Go home. Did you like MBDTF?

          • TheCollinB

            Please say it again

          • Freebird

            That was dope.

        • Kas

          Paying IRS bills will keep you hungry

      • Brandon Allen

        Fat Joe ain’t like Pitbull at all tho outside of being latin. Pitbull pre sell out was on that southern party lane. Slip N slide. Ying yang twins.

        • Minx

          I loved that Pitbull. Watching his descent into wypipo radio-friendly party music has been a little disappointing. I see him as the Latino equivalent to Flo Rida at this point.

          • TheCollinB

            4x tall tee Pitbull > Macy’s Suit Separates Pitbull

          • Brandon Allen

            In both his in Flo Rida’s defense. Florida is where that whole generic party culture exists so it was probably a no brainer transition for them.

            • True. Pitbull and Flo Rida don’t exist outside of Florida, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Not gonna blame them both for taking that cash. If they stuck to regular rapping, 2009 would have been THE END for both of them.

          • I don’t want to agree with this, because I irrationally love Pitbull. But I can’t disagree with it either…

            • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

              You recognize it’s irrational so I give you a past Sawyer…This time. :)

          • Lea Thrace

            Thats exactly who he is. SMH

          • Pitbull got bills.

    • Brandon Allen

      Watch the Throne was great.
      You wilin.

      • Freebird

        I’m pretty open minded when it comes to rap. My mind shut down off that album. I wanted to feel it.

        • Brandon Allen

          I don’t understand how you can’t like it. Especially, stuff like Gotta have it and Otis, Murder to Excellence. Go back and listen to “I love you so” some of Ja’s best late career stuff.

          • HouseOfBonnets

            N***as in Paris still gets me hype to this day in addition to the ones noted above.

  • Brandon Allen

    I’d really like the point out the important piece of this article. Timbaland needs to stop. These bongos beats with him beat boxing are so played. Also, Indian samples meant to be party exotic.

    • NonyaB

      LMAO @ “party exotic”.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Being that I haven’t really haven’t shook my behind to a Timbaland beat since shock value…. I may have to agree,but a part of me still has hope.

    • TheCollinB

      fuck you too

      • Other_guy13
      • Kas

        Man, you throat chopping folks this morning.

      • Brandon Allen

        Timbo ain’t lazy? That’s just a fact.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          It is. It’s not 2010.

        • TheCollinB

          I’m being tried because I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I feel it.
          We talkin the same Timbo that did Tink’s “UFO” or somebody named Timbo you know that makes struggles beats for 36 year old rappers with fake gang affiliations?

          • Brandon Allen

            I was under the impression Tink is Tim’s artist? Cuz he ain’t give Hov any flames lately. Even that Justin Timberlake album from a few years ago sounded like it was from ’04.

More Like This