How To Celebrate Columbus Day In The Most Columbus Day Way Possible » VSB

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How To Celebrate Columbus Day In The Most Columbus Day Way Possible



Today, America celebrates Christopher Columbus, the man who discovered our great nation. In honor of this momentous and joyful occasion, here are a few ways to honor our country’s founder in true Columbus Day fashion.

1. Go to the supermarket. If no supermarkets are nearby, a corner store or bodega will do. Ask the salesclerk where the pancake mix is. Purchase the pancake mix. Store the pancake mix in your home.

A week later, invite a bunch of friends over for brunch. Tell them they can even invite their significant others. Prepare the pancakes, as well as some bacon, eggs, and a pitcher of peach Bellini. When friends compliment you on the pancakes (“These are really good pancakes!“), say “No, those aren’t pancakes. They’re waffles.

When the friends reply that they look and taste like pancakes, remain incredulous. Get even more incredulous when they tell you they can see the box you made them from, clearly labeled “pancake mix.”

I don’t care what you say. I’m calling them waffles, so they’re waffles. End of story.

2.  Go to Facebook. Write and publish a status message telling all of your friends — who are already on Facebook, obviously — that you just discovered a great new website called “Facebook.”

When friends say “Wait…how did you discover Facebook? Facebook has been around for like 10 years. What type of weed are you smoking to think you can discover something that like a billion people already know about? Shit. You’re on fucking Facebook right now!!!” reply with “Look. I get where you’re coming from. But really, how do I even know you all were here first unless I was here to confirm it? Plus, if you were here before me, why didn’t YOU say you discovered Facebook, huh? Because you didn’t. And I just did.”

3. Move to a new apartment building in an up-and-coming part of the city. Invite your friends and all of the tenants to a cookout. Murder all of the tenants. When done murdering each of the tenants, continue having cookout fun with your friends. Have so much fun that you pledge to have a party on this day every year until you die.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at Or don't. Whatever.

  • Kam

    This made me holler out loud in my office! Thanks for the laugh!

  • Tx10inch

    Pretty much.

  • Lisa Harris

    #3 is not funny at all! And I can’t stop laughing at it. :-)

  • Courtney Cne’

    Happy Indigenous People’s day!

  • SuperStrings

    Go to your nearest Columbus Day sale at your favorite store and just take whatever you want.

  • Meridian

    Genius. #ThatIsAll

  • #2 is golden

  • 1. Wish everyone you see “Happy Native Peoples Disenfranchisement Day”. Bonus points if you make an e-card and send it to your coworkers.
    2. Steal someone’s parking spot while yelling out, “Manifest Destiny!”
    3. Go to the grocery store, fill up a basket and walk out. When the clerk comes running after you, punch him in the face and say you’re honoring this country’s history of imperialism.

    P.S. Don’t blame me if you get fired, arrested, or jumped.

    • jfenbauer

      i’m gonna start yelling “Manifest Destiny” whenever i want anything and then take it. then i’m gonna yell “For the Empire of Spain” any time a take something.

    • LifeDelishUs

      Yeah. I plan on using that “Manifest Destiny” slogan as often as possible without your permission and without giving you any credit. When I use it as the title of my dissertation, I will not cite you or this website and I will claim boldly and without hesitation that my use of it is my God-given right that will not be relinquished unless you want to pry it from my cold dead fingers…

  • Jay
  • Tish Harris

    This may be the best post ever.
    It should be in the heights with the greatest rappers, basketball players and elite scholars of STEM-related research.

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