Today, America celebrates Christopher Columbus, the man who discovered our great nation. In honor of this momentous and joyful occasion, here are a few ways to honor our country’s founder in true Columbus Day fashion.
1. Go to the supermarket. If no supermarkets are nearby, a corner store or bodega will do. Ask the salesclerk where the pancake mix is. Purchase the pancake mix. Store the pancake mix in your home.
A week later, invite a bunch of friends over for brunch. Tell them they can even invite their significant others. Prepare the pancakes, as well as some bacon, eggs, and a pitcher of peach Bellini. When friends compliment you on the pancakes (“These are really good pancakes!“), say “No, those aren’t pancakes. They’re waffles.”
When the friends reply that they look and taste like pancakes, remain incredulous. Get even more incredulous when they tell you they can see the box you made them from, clearly labeled “pancake mix.”
“I don’t care what you say. I’m calling them waffles, so they’re waffles. End of story.”
2. Go to Facebook. Write and publish a status message telling all of your friends — who are already on Facebook, obviously — that you just discovered a great new website called “Facebook.”
When friends say “Wait…how did you discover Facebook? Facebook has been around for like 10 years. What type of weed are you smoking to think you can discover something that like a billion people already know about? Shit. You’re on fucking Facebook right now!!!” reply with “Look. I get where you’re coming from. But really, how do I even know you all were here first unless I was here to confirm it? Plus, if you were here before me, why didn’t YOU say you discovered Facebook, huh? Because you didn’t. And I just did.”
3. Move to a new apartment building in an up-and-coming part of the city. Invite your friends and all of the tenants to a cookout. Murder all of the tenants. When done murdering each of the tenants, continue having cookout fun with your friends. Have so much fun that you pledge to have a party on this day every year until you die.