Step 1: Find a famous Black couple, and hold them and their relationships up as infallible paragons of everything right with Black love, Black dating, Black relationships, Black sex, and Black marriage
It does not matter if this couple is real (Barack and Michelle, Will and Jada, Jay-Z and Bey, etc), fictional (Cliff and Claire, Martin and Gina, Darius and Nina, Dwayne and Whitley, etc), swingers (Will and Jada), dead swingers (Ossie and Ruby), weird as f*ck (Will and Jada, again), or figments of your f*cking imagination (the uber-modern and fulfilling relationships we assume Common, Andre 3000, and Mos Def have with women because, well, they’re Common, Andre 3000, and Mos Def).
In fact, it doesn’t even matter if the couples contain people you personally wouldn’t date because of your excessively arbitrary standards (Darius is too short, Barack and Will are too lightskinneded, Dwayne is a nerd, Ossie was old even when he was young, Whitley is too bougie, Michelle and Claire are a bit too tall, educated, and independent, Nina is kind of a ho, Gina definitely rocks a headwrap and curlers to bed, etc). As long as they’re Black and they’re together, they’re benchmarks.
Step 2: Refer to said couples by their first names
Doing this obviously makes logistical sense. Some couples are so iconic there’s no need to say their full names when mentioning them. Also, it’s just easier to say and/or type “Barack and Michelle” instead of “Barack Obama and Michelle Obama.”
But, while this practice has its practical purposes, it’s really a linguistic trick that allows people to assume that the person incorporating it knows Barack and Michelle and Will and Jada and Whitley and Dwayne personally. And, if you know these couples personally, you have intimate personal knowledge of their relationships. And, if you have intimate personal knowledge of their relationships, you can say things like “The way Will treats Jada is the epitome of everything I want in a man.” without any hint of irony.
Step 3: Cherry pick all positive aspects of said couple’s relationships while ignoring all negatives
Take Jay-Z, for instance. Why bother mentioning the fact that he spent the majority of his adult life using women the way fat crackheads use toilet paper and also made a fortune by bragging about said use and usage of women and was able to have access to Beyonce because of said fortune? He wrote a song about his daughter, so he must obviously be a relationship role model to all men.
Step 4: Compare public things done by said couples to private things done by men and women in your own lives
Say things like “Darius wrote and performed an impromptu poem for Nina, and was creative in tracking her down, and took her on a romantic date, and dudes today don’t even let you order off the dollar menu at Wendy’s” or “Women today be talking about dudes gotta have this or that, but Michelle took a chance and dated Barack when he was too broke too afford name-brand ramen.”
Never mind the fact(s) that Darius was a stalker and “dating a man with a Harvard Law degree” doesn’t exactly scream “taking a chance.” The point is clear. These people are clearly better than the people currently in your dating pool.
Step 5: Combat said unrealistic comparisons with…more unrealistic comparisons
When you’re a man listening to a woman complain about why she can’t find a Barack or a woman reading a man’s Twitter bitch session about how they don’t build women like Claire Huxtable anymore, make sure to respond to said criticism by saying “Well, there aren’t too many Michelles out here either” or “You can’t say you want a Claire if you’re busying bagging and boning Denises.”
Continue doing this for approximately two to four days.
Step 6: Drop bomb on Black populace. Watch Black masses scold, scrap, and scatter
Step 7: Repeat steps 1 through 6
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)