How To Be Really, Really Good At Being A Black Man
We received a comment last week thatÂ basicallyÂ said Black people in positions where they can help people often don’t do enough, and ended by urging Panama and I to do what we can to mentor aspiring bloggers.
AlthoughÂ I’m still not sure how I’d go about completing that task, I do want to lend a hand to help young people do what I do best: Be really, really good at being a Black man.
I don’t have all the answers for all the people out there who want to be really, really good at being a Black man, but I do have a few tips.
How To Walk
1. Whatever your normal walking speed is, decrease it by 40 percent. If it usually takes you 60 seconds to walk from your cubicle to the office bathroom, now do it in 84 seconds. Time yourself with a stopwatch ifÂ necessary.
2. While walking, slowly andÂ subtlyÂ bob your head and shoulders from side to side to the rhythm of a chopped and screwed version of Issac Hayes’s Walk On By. If this doesn’t work, David Porter’s version of Hang On Sloopy will do.
How To Look While Walking
Make sure to always look either slightly amused or slightly irritated. This will remind onlookers that you have a big penis.
How To Drive
1. Lean far enough back in your seat that people waiting for buses have to tilt their necks to see your face, but not so far that you have to sit up every time you need you hit your turn signal.
2. Make sure to time your music so that your hardest sounding track just happens to come on right when you’re at a busy intersection. Slowly bob your head, look straight ahead, and pretend like you don’t care if people are looking at you.
3. Only drive cars featured inÂ commercialsÂ narrated by a man’s voice.
How To Secure a Loan for $30,000
1. Find the nearest bank.
2. Rob it.
3. Return the next day with all of the money. This will build trust.
4. Do this two more times. After the third time, the bank manager will be so impressed by your magnanimousnessÂ that he’ll allow you to keep the money.
How To Have Sex
1. Get naked
2. After getting naked, pause to put on Timberlands and Ray-Bans.
3. Admire self in mirror.
4. Charge cell phone for 15 minutes while still admiring self in mirror.
5. While phone is charging, entertain woman by allowing her to do pull-ups and dips on penis.
6. After phone is charged, instruct woman to turn around.
7. Insert penis.
8. Start recording self
9. Say “Yeah” repeatedly to no one in particular, making sure your voice gets deeper each time.
10. Don’t forget to remember that woman is still there. Do this by asking her to say your name. Hearing your name will remind you that she is still there.
11. Dougie while climaxing.
How To Be Attractive To Black Women
1. If she happens to be dark-skinned, compliment her hair.
2. If she happens to be light-skinned, allude to her “realness” and her “commitmentÂ to the struggle.”
3. Ask her if she watched the Melissa Harris-Perry show last week. If she didn’t, she’ll think “Wow. This guy watches Melissa Harris-Perry, and I don’t.” This will arouse her. If she did, she’ll think “Wow.Â We can watch Melissa Harris-Perry together.” This will also arouse her.
4. Be tall
5. Don’t be short.
How To Grill A Bucket Of Jerk Chicken Wings
1. Have someone (preferably a woman) purchase a bucket of jerk chicken wings.
2. Place wings on grill.
3. Wear gloves for safety, and to safely smack anyone who dares near the wings before you’re done grilling.
How To Let Everyone On A Packed Bus Know That Although You Gave Up Your Seat To An Attractive White Woman, Her Being An Attractive White Woman Had Nothing To Do With It
1. Give up said seat.
2. After giving up seat, she will thank you.
3. Nod your head, don’t speak, and walk to the back of the bus.
4. Remove copy of The Bluest Eye from yourÂ attache.
5. Begin reading while nodding head and taking notes.
How To Say “Word.”
1. Grow out facial hair.
2. When sufficient amount of facial hair has been grown, give self goatee.
3. Rub goatee with thumb and index finger.
4. Shake head slowly, and make face like you’re trying to remember if you need to buy a pack of bacon.
5. Say “Word.”
How To Remind People That Telling You “You kinda look like Stevie J” Isn’t Really A Compliment
1. Kinda look like Stevie J.
2. When people ask you if anyone’s ever told you that you kinda look like Stevie J, lie and say “No.”
How ToÂ SuccessfullyÂ Flirt With Cashiers At Rite-Aid
1. Kinda look like Stevie J.
2. When she asks you if anyone’s ever told you that you kinda look like Stevie J, lie and say “No.” When done lying, say “Why?”
3. When she tells you that you kinda look like Stevie J, say “Word?”
4. Tell her you want a wellness card. (Even better if you already have one.)
How To Be Humble
1. Give all praise to God. Or Allah. (Whichever floats your boat)
2. After done giving praise to God (or Allah), allow stripper to finish lap dance.
3. Don’t look like you’re enjoying it too much.
How To Be A Good Dad To Your Son If You’re Not With His Mom Anymore
1. Make son your Facebook profile pic.
2.Â SporadicallyÂ hang around and shit
2. Coach son’s Pee-Wee football team.
3. If son is good, stay in child’s life by continuing to coach.
4. If son sucks, stop coaching, but still hang aroundÂ sporadically.
Hopefully, this helps. But, if anyone still needs more assistance on how to be really, really good at being a Black man, hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)