Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

How To Be Really, Really Good At Being A Black Man

Lemme learn y'all asses to something

Lemme learn y’all asses to something

We received a comment last week that basically said Black people in positions where they can help people often don’t do enough, and ended by urging Panama and I to do what we can to mentor aspiring bloggers.

Although I’m still not sure how I’d go about completing that task, I do want to lend a hand to help young people do what I do best: Be really, really good at being a Black man.

I don’t have all the answers for all the people out there who want to be really, really good at being a Black man, but I do have a few tips.

How To Walk

1. Whatever your normal walking speed is, decrease it by 40 percent. If it usually takes you 60 seconds to walk from your cubicle to the office bathroom, now do it in 84 seconds. Time yourself with a stopwatch if necessary.

2. While walking, slowly and subtly bob your head and shoulders from side to side to the rhythm of a chopped and screwed version of Issac Hayes’s Walk On By. If this doesn’t work, David Porter’s version of Hang On Sloopy will do.

How To Look While Walking

Make sure to always look either slightly amused or slightly irritated. This will remind onlookers that you have a big penis.

How To Drive

1. Lean far enough back in your seat that people waiting for buses have to tilt their necks to see your face, but not so far that you have to sit up every time you need you hit your turn signal.

2. Make sure to time your music so that your hardest sounding track just happens to come on right when you’re at a busy intersection. Slowly bob your head, look straight ahead, and pretend like you don’t care if people are looking at you.

3. Only drive cars featured in commercials narrated by a man’s voice.

How To Secure a Loan for $30,000

1. Find the nearest bank.

2. Rob it.

3. Return the next day with all of the money. This will build trust.

4. Do this two more times. After the third time, the bank manager will be so impressed by your magnanimousness that he’ll allow you to keep the money.

How To Have Sex

1. Get naked

2. After getting naked, pause to put on Timberlands and Ray-Bans.

3. Admire self in mirror.

4. Charge cell phone for 15 minutes while still admiring self in mirror.

5. While phone is charging, entertain woman by allowing her to do pull-ups and dips on penis.

6. After phone is charged, instruct woman to turn around.

7. Insert penis.

8. Start recording self

9. Say “Yeah” repeatedly to no one in particular, making sure your voice gets deeper each time.

10. Don’t forget to remember that woman is still there. Do this by asking her to say your name. Hearing your name will remind you that she is still there.

11. Dougie while climaxing.

How To Be Attractive To Black Women

1. If she happens to be dark-skinned, compliment her hair.

2. If she happens to be light-skinned, allude to her “realness” and her “commitment to the struggle.”

3. Ask her if she watched the Melissa Harris-Perry show last week. If she didn’t, she’ll think “Wow. This guy watches Melissa Harris-Perry, and I don’t.” This will arouse her. If she did, she’ll think “Wow. We can watch Melissa Harris-Perry together.” This will also arouse her.

4. Be tall

5. Don’t be short.

How To Grill A Bucket Of Jerk Chicken Wings

1. Have someone (preferably a woman) purchase a bucket of jerk chicken wings.

2. Place wings on grill.

3. Wear gloves for safety, and to safely smack anyone who dares near the wings before you’re done grilling.

4. Stare at jerk chicken wings like jerk chicken wings just told you a joke, and you’re trying not to laugh.

How To Let Everyone On A Packed Bus Know That Although You Gave Up Your Seat To An Attractive White Woman, Her Being An Attractive White Woman Had Nothing To Do With It

1. Give up said seat.

2. After giving up seat, she will thank you.

3. Nod your head, don’t speak, and walk to the back of the bus.

4. Remove copy of The Bluest Eye from your attache.

5. Begin reading while nodding head and taking notes.

How To Say “Word.”

1. Grow out facial hair.

2. When sufficient amount of facial hair has been grown, give self goatee.

3. Rub goatee with thumb and index finger.

4. Shake head slowly, and make face like you’re trying to remember if you need to buy a pack of bacon.

5. Say “Word.”

How To Remind People That Telling You “You kinda look like Stevie J” Isn’t Really A Compliment

1. Kinda look like Stevie J.

2. When people ask you if anyone’s ever told you that you kinda look like Stevie J, lie and say “No.”

How To Successfully Flirt With Cashiers At Rite-Aid

1. Kinda look like Stevie J.

2. When she asks you if anyone’s ever told you that you kinda look like Stevie J, lie and say “No.” When done lying, say “Why?”

3. When she tells you that you kinda look like Stevie J, say “Word?”

4. Tell her you want a wellness card. (Even better if you already have one.)

How To Be Humble

1. Give all praise to God. Or Allah. (Whichever floats your boat)

2. After done giving praise to God (or Allah), allow stripper to finish lap dance.

3. Don’t look like you’re enjoying it too much.

How To Be A Good Dad To Your Son If You’re Not With His Mom Anymore

1. Make son your Facebook profile pic.

2. Sporadically hang around and shit

2. Coach son’s Pee-Wee football team.

3. If son is good, stay in child’s life by continuing to coach.

4. If son sucks, stop coaching, but still hang around sporadically.

Hopefully, this helps. But, if anyone still needs more assistance on how to be really, really good at being a Black man, hit me up at contact@verysmartbrothas.com

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

    I’m not sure why in the entire hell I ever thought this post was going to be serious… but I’m glad I was wrong!! This was great, Champ!

    • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

      Oh, and… FIRST! :)

      • AfroPetite

        *hands CBRADIO a stale oatmeal raisin cookie*

        • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

          Hey, I just like cookies. *Kanye shrug* Thanks!

      • nillalatte

        And, here’s half a juice box too for that cookie you just received. :D

        • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

          Why, thank you, nilla. Just what I always wanted! *teardrop* *sniff*

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        10 points from Gryffindor for missing the perfect opportunity to make an “I hit it first” reference.

        • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

          LOL!! Thanks, Tristan! Maybe this will fill the void.
          http://soundcloud.com/lild-onair/ray-j-i-hit-it-first
          …foolery at its finest. :)

          • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

            In fact, make “foolery” your next word of the day!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “This was great, Champ!”

      that’s what she said

      • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

        HA!

    • Angel Baby

      Right?! LOL It helped lighten up my morning though so it works for me!

  • Sahel

    Dnt forget to hollar when you see an epic azz jigglying down the street.

    • msdebbs

      +1

    • iamnotakata

      this….lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      there’s actually a very specific way to do this, that’ll be in part two

  • msdebbs

    lmao…this is too much

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “this is too much”

      if I had a dollar every time a woman said this to me, a black man, id be rich

      • preciousone86

        LMBO!

  • Malik

    Consistent laughs all throughout the post.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      being a black man tends to do that

    • Kema

      Yes! This was too funny!

  • http://www.BlackLatinaFabulous.com Maris

    This is something I will definitely have to come back and read when I’m drunk. Something tells me this takes on several layers depending on your level of intoxication. LMAO!

    • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

      *sets a mental reminder to do the same!*

    • IcePrincess3

      @maris Well I happen to actually BE drunk rite now, & I have to say its pretty damn funny

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      why aren’t you drunk now?

  • That Ugly Kid

    This is the greatest post of all time. Because it’s true….

  • minxbrie

    “2. After getting naked, pause to put on Timberlands and Ray-Bans.”

    …Pretty sure I’ve dated this guy before.

    • That Ugly Kid

      You’ve dated the pr0n star known as Justin Slayer?

      • minxbrie

        No, but now I know where my ex got his moves!

        (Side bar: My ex was white. Does that still count?)

        This list is hysterical, if only for the sheer fact that I can connect a male to multiple points. Must be hard work to be really, REALLY good at being a black man.

        • That Ugly Kid

          Nah, it’s not hard. I’m only 23 and I’ve got it mastered. It’s easy once you get the hang of it.

          • https://www.facebook.com/Aisha.Taylor.Lewis Scarlet

            Hol on there, patna!

            You’re nowhere NEAR studying for & taking the final exam:

            How to be an Old Black Man.

            Step 1: Leave all f*cks at the door.
            Step 2: When people want your opinion, remember the location of aforementioned f*cks.
            Step 3: Say whatever comes to mind.

            Wash, Rinse, Repeat…

            • minxbrie

              + 1000

            • That Ugly Kid

              F*ck that final exam. I’ve already misplaced all the f*cks I should be handing out.

              • https://www.facebook.com/Aisha.Taylor.Lewis Scarlet

                Now see if you were REALLY well-versed in Old Black Mandom, you would’ve stopped after the first sentence.

                Anything after that ventures into Explanationland, and Old Black Men don’t have time for that (word to Sweet).

            • Demondog 06

              it’s funny because it’s true……

            • AnGe

              @scarlet

              *DEAD*

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              Hol on there, patna!

              You’re nowhere NEAR studying for & taking the final exam:

              How to be an Old Black Man.

              Step 1: Leave all f*cks at the door.
              Step 2: When people want your opinion, remember the location of aforementioned f*cks.
              Step 3: Say whatever comes to mind.

              Wash, Rinse, Repeat…

              damn. i was planning on having my dad guest post next month to write about that. foiled again

              • https://www.facebook.com/Aisha.Taylor.Lewis Scarlet

                My bad…

            • Rewind

              I can’t wait to be Old Black Guy. I already got it 50% down

              • https://www.facebook.com/Aisha.Taylor.Lewis Scarlet

                It’s a beautiful thing to watch. Especially the interaction between OBM & the people who don’t know them well, but expect them to care.

                My Pop Pop is not a known giver of f*cks.

                He is my hero…

                • Rewind

                  So was my dad. He’d charm people because he talks a lot, but when they request something specific, Mr. Not Giving 2 F*cks suddenly opened the door.

          • IcePrincess3

            Whateva TUK, you ain’t even no “real” black man. You too red. Lmao :-)

            • That Ugly Kid

              I’m not even that light-skinned, jo!!!

              • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

                “Where we come from we say ‘jo’. Everybody call each other ‘jo’. It’s part of our language if you must know. What’s up jo? What’s up jo!”
                :)

                • http://terryodis.wix.com/todis Micthemessenger

                  This damn song right here.

                  • http://lifeloveandsuch.wordpress.com CBRADIO82

                    LOL! Chi-town vicious!

            • kid video

              I could be lighter than TUK, but naked wit Timbs on…im DMX in that bedroom scene from “Belly”.

              Word…indeed.

              • Sweet GA Brown

                DMX was climbin that girl.

                • kid video

                  I call it beastin’…

    • IcePrincess3

      Na, champ forgot to say “get naked but leave your timbs on.” Rotfl

      • minxbrie

        Honestly, why is shoes on/socks on a thing? Is it for grip? Foot insecurity? A need for some decency?

        Men. Explain.

        • IcePrincess3

          Girl I an answer that! It is soooo for grip when he’s standing on the carpet.

          • minxbrie

            Nah boo, I’ve seen it happen when I had floors in my old place. I think it’s just extra.

            • IcePrincess3

              Floors are even more slippery! Give him the benifit of the doubt girl; he’s trying to get his feet set to hit it just right.

            • sahel

              friction burn happens on the feet as well

            • Sweet GA Brown

              Its so thats one less thing they have to put on it somethnig pops off and they have to fight or run. Its more of a security thing for them.

              • Kema

                They may need to reevaluate their lives.lol!

                • https://www.facebook.com/Aisha.Taylor.Lewis Scarlet

                  Truly.

                  What type of lifestyle requires that much potential bumping & running (and possible running before you finish bumping)?!?! Lol

                  • Sweet GA Brown

                    Cheaters, tricks, and ppl that are about that life.

          • nillalatte

            *images flash through mind* Now I REALLY need dat drink! Pour it up fool.

          • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

            Socks and carpet don’t mix well

        • That Ugly Kid

          A number of things:

          1. For warmth.
          2. For security.
          3. Sometimes for grip on carpeted surfaces.

          Also, wearing socks on a slick, wooden floor is a very, VERY bad idea. Especially if the man plans on picking her up for some standing action. So if you ever find yourself smanging a dude wearing socks on a wooden floor and he’s about to pick you up, tell him to stop and take his dang socks off. Because he will slip, and you will go down with him.

        • weethomas

          1. Women hog the sheets.
          2. Women don’t want you to leave after sex.
          3. You’re going to fall asleep in a few minutes anyway.
          4. Being tall and black, you already have poor circulation at your extremities.
          5. This activity is going to divert even more blood flow away.

          So, one develops the experience and foresight to keep your feet insulated. Last thing you want to explain to your football coach is how you got gangrene from having Latonshay spend the night.

          • AfroPetite

            #1 & #2 are so true lol I enjoy the warmth of another body post coitus but I ain’t sleeping in the wet spot though.

            • nillalatte

              Not me. Hells no. Am I the only female that turns away from the man after chex? Like, he lies next to me on the right let’s say, I turn over the left putting my back to him. I have received complaints about this behavior. *shrugs*

              • Sweet GA Brown

                I do the same thing. I need my space and its really uncomfortable to be all under somebody when your body temp is still up.

                • nillalatte

                  Thank you SGB. I thought I was the anomaly in the heat that my body produces! :) My ‘friend’ claimed he was gonna get a sunburn from my body heat. *shrugs* He shouldn’t start the fire if he can’t stand the flame! ;)

              • kid video

                I’ve had done to me a few times…i just thought it was tha sweat and bacon smell, so I would just go take a shower.

                • nillalatte

                  Nah, it ain’t got nothing to do with the man. I’m just HOT! BOL…

          • minxbrie

            I meann, if it’s my bed, it’s my sheets!

            I have to disagree with #2. I don’t like sleepovers, by all means, please go home.

            “So, one develops the experience and foresight to keep your feet insulated. Last thing you want to explain to your football coach is how you got gangrene from having Latonshay spend the night.”

            Latonshay?! Do.not.kill.me.

          • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

            my #him calls me a bedroom terrorist because I hog all the covers while he’s left shivering lol. if he just commiitted to cuddling he wouldnt have that problem though I’ve gotten better though…he’ll at least have a sheet LOL

        • nillalatte

          I just gotta tell ya, I read this article once about why a woman should wear socks during chex. Apparently, warm feet enhances the intensity of orgasms. If more women knew this they’d be looking for same damn socks themselves!

          • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

            How is that working out for you so far?

            • nillalatte

              LOL… well, let me tell ya… it is a game changer. :D When I told my friend that I wore socks to bed at night because my feet get cold, he said laughingly, “That is so not sexy!” I’m almost positive he wasn’t thinking about the socks on my feet during…. just sayin’

        • Demondog 06

          1 leverage
          2 there’s something primal in wearing some timbs and a doorag….i don’t even have waves because i have no hair, but if i throw on the doorag….some body’s bout to get beast phucked….

          • minxbrie

            “2 there’s something primal in wearing some timbs and a doorag….i don’t even have waves because i have no hair, but if i throw on the doorag….some body’s bout to get beast phucked….”

            See? This is what I mean when I call it extraa.

          • minxbrie

            “2 there’s something primal in wearing some timbs and a doorag….i don’t even have waves because i have no hair, but if i throw on the doorag….some body’s bout to get beast phucked….”

            See? This is what I mean when I call it extraa.

          • Sweet GA Brown

            So your alter ego takes over.

          • Kema

            I swear Tims, basketball shorts and a wife beater is like lingerie for men at least imo. lol! Especially when you see the sudden growth in the front of the shorts. *fans self*

            • Sweet GA Brown

              *Flashes back as countdowns to thirst quenchin inevitably follows…

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          GRIP. Trust me, slipping and sliding can be annoying. At the worse, it can catch your peen in an awkward spot and then OUCH!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          the extra inch of height also makes certain angles easier

          • minxbrie

            So basically, Timb’s are the Black Man’s high heels… Got it!

            • https://www.facebook.com/Aisha.Taylor.Lewis Scarlet

              With the exact opposite effect!

              Lol…the visual of the butt naked dude with the Timbs unlaced but still on just conjures up thoughts of somebody fresh out who had zero time to wait before diving in…

              • minxbrie

                “Lol…the visual of the butt naked dude with the Timbs unlaced but still on just conjures up thoughts of somebody fresh out who had zero time to wait before diving in…”

                Exactly! I just feel like you need to coax them out of it: Come now, stay a while – like do you have somewhere to be right after this finishes?

                • Rewind

                  Yea…anywhere but that area you just smashed at.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              The only pair of Tims I’ve ever owned were deck shoes. :-(

              • Sweet GA Brown

                *contemplates taking black card

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Mom’s was having no parts of me wearing the ghetto uniform back in the day. It just stuck.

                • camilleblu

                  lol…SGB u stoopid..

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    Sombody’s got love for a Tim sheltered brotha :D

        • Brother Mouzone

          “Honestly, why is shoes on/socks on a thing? Is it for grip? Foot insecurity? A need for some decency?

          Men. Explain

          My feet get cold…But if I need extra..uhh traction, I go with the bare feet.

          • Kema

            Someone has rough feet. Got it!

            • Brother Mouzone

              Actually, for a guy..I have really NICE feet.

          • Sweet GA Brown

            Pause! Aint nobody thinkin about cold feet while smanging. Shiiiid. Aint nobody thinkin about feet unless they get a cramp.

            • Malik

              You keep your socks on in case she has a foot fetish.

              • Sweet GA Brown

                EWWWWW

            • Brother Mouzone

              The cold feet thing is more for HER benefit. My feet are like Ice when they touch your leg, so, being the gentleman SMANGA I am, I sometimes leave on the socks. Also, my feet are MAD ticklish.

        • Rewind

          My feet are cold while I’m standing on the floor blowing backs out.

          You’re on a comfortable ass bed.

          Case closed.

          • Sweet GA Brown

            So the go to stroke requires the lucky lady to move to the end of the bed.

            Do the ride rails tear up your shins? I always wondered about this.

            • Sweet GA Brown

              *side

              • Brother Mouzone

                *side

                “Ride” rails works too, no need for correction..lol

            • Rewind

              Yes the hell they do. Unless you got a super tall bed, bending down to bang it out messes with your knees, and riding the rails make a n*gga wanna cry..but then she gonna think her stuff is good if you do, so we try not to.

              • OS

                wait….don’t you want to her think her stuff is good? o_O

                • Malik

                  Not at the expense of chronic knee pain.

                  • OS

                    No pain, no gain, right?! LOL

                    • Malik

                      Well I’m probably shorter than Rewind so it isn’t a big issue for me.

                    • Rewind

                      I’m 6’2. Every girl I’ve been with is under 5’6. I think you see where I’m going with this.

                      Got my knees looking like a retired NBA player

                • Rewind

                  There’s no way in hell I’m giving her a fake ego burst. Whatever compliment I give after she stops jittering is well deserved…but tears? Never met a nani worthy of that.

                  • OS

                    Oh that just hurts my heart. I wish I could help. You need that experience…it’s a moment unlike any other.

                    • minxbrie

                      Clearly Rewind has not witnessed some real P*ssy Power.

  • https://www.facebook.com/Aisha.Taylor.Lewis Scarlet

    Word life, son!

    The head nod is an essential part of the tool kit. (must be pulled off properly, though -no bobbleheading, no double nodding).

    Sex, #11-Or the Heel Toe. Or the Chuck Baby. Whatever works…

    Bookmarking & LMAO @ this entire post!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      true. it takes years to figure out how to do it, and another couple of years to figure out how to do it without getting dizzy

  • nillalatte

    I must be really tired or really dense or Champ is being very facetious and I have low comprehension at the moment. Let me see if alcohol helps. ;)

    • AfroPetite

      I have the strongest urge to go to the kitchen and make a turkey sandwich now all because of your damb avi -__-

      • nillalatte

        LMAO!!! I’ll change it for Friday. What do you want? The crazy looking pic back? The one that TUK LOVES and makes him religious? LOL

        • AfroPetite

          bwhahaha surprise us!!!!

        • That Ugly Kid

          You’d do that for me? Ooohh, nah….show off that body doe. Like…a side view. Yea….

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      How to eat Miracle Whip like a Black Man:

      Don’t

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Do you have the Undercover Brotha watch that squirts the hot sauce?

      • nillalatte

        Brotha, you just don’t know. :D

  • IcePrincess3

    Hilarious champ! Good job! AND you posted at a respectable hour! This post reminds me of my friend Jason. He’s very pro-black, full beard, he’s a Hebrew Israelite, & he’s from NY, so he always says “word.” Lmaooooo

    • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

      Hmm…a Brotha with an ancient, Greek, pre-Abrahamic name who is nonetheless a Hebrew Israelite…interesting…

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jason

      O.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i’ve never actually met a hebrew israelite

      • IcePrincess3

        They’re pretty intense. And racist rotflmao

        • Kema

          I had one with lighter skin than mine tell me I was better because I was darker. :-)

        • SweetSass

          Are they those cats who carry around tiny raggedy version of the torah and pray for any and all reasons in public?

          • Sweet GA Brown

            Yes.