Lists, Theory & Essay

How To Be A Pseudo-Celebrity Like A Motherlover

Rottenecards_34892250_3m37wvsm23Hello.

My name is Panama Dontavious Jackson and I’m kind of a f*cking big deal. People stop me in the streets and ask me for directions. Almost every day, somebody looks at me. Sometimes it happens twice in one day. What is it? I don’t know. But I got it. Whose is it? Even Michael wasn’t sure.

MJ gone. Our n-word dead.

The reason my apartment reeks of mahogany and is filled with leather-bound books is because I’m a pseudo-celebrity aka 40 percent of the time people know me all of the time.

What is a pseudo-celebrity you ask? Good question. Pseudo-celebrity is what happens when a few people know who you are and everybody else is like who the f*ck are you when the few people who know who you are say things like, “hey you’re XYZ!”

Or even better. You know how famous people get free things? Not pseudo-celebrities. Sure, pseudos get into places free as long as they either know a manager or a bouncer, but if neither are present at the bar, he’s paying for that drink. Basically, there are no free drinks. Even if somebody wants to get you a free drink, they’re paying for that drink first. You know why?

Because you’re only pseudo famous. If you was famous famous nobody would have to buy you a drink…

…you’d already have one.

This is my life. Now this isn’t a complaint at all. I actually rather enjoy the times when I see people out and they say things like, “hey, its Panama! Oh my gosh, I didn’t expect to see you out and about like that! You’re not nearly as hot as I thought you were in that picture where I can’t see your face but I do see you smoking!”

That’s the funny part about pseudo-celebrity. Some people think you’re famous, others couldn’t care less. I mean it looks cool when you’re out in these streets and people stop you to say they read the site (I think most bloggers with a good readership go through this) or when you’re out of town and folks randomly recognize you and make it seem like you’re a big deal. But you know how real bad boys move in silence? Your highness?

Yeah, pseudo-celebs are total bad boys. Nobody moves out the way when we come thru. In fact, unless you’re a tall person, nobody moves period. I have to push through the crowd like everybody else. Of course that time somebody yelled out Panama and somebody else yelled out Noriega was funny. There’s no story there.

Well, as the pseudo-celebrity motherlover that I am, and seeing as so many of you who venture here are clearly famous in your own right (even if nobody knows your real name, which is like, totes coo, since most folks don’t know my real name either! AS IF!), I know its hard out here for a pimp. So I figured I’d drop a little knowledge. Knowledge my brothers and sisters; use it or lose it.

So you wanna be a gangsta, all that sh*t smoke any motherf*cker don’t even trip and be hard as hell and say whatever you want, punk suckers wanna front…

Or here are some on how to be a pseudo-celebrity like a motherf*cker.

1. Be super f*cking fly

Not a little fly. Leave that tsetse fly sh*t at the door, whoadie. Naw. Big dog it. When you walk into a building, dap people up, especially people you don’t know. This gives you the chance to seem more important than you are. Somebody will say, do you know who that its? Most people will say no, but one person who is totes in the know will say, “hey, that was Panama Jackson and he’s one fly motherf*cker.”

2. Be super f*cking cool while being super f*cking fly

Basically its the same sh*t as 1.

3. Wear sunglasses when it rains

Before you can be out here dapping up people you don’t know, you need to LOOK like somebody that should be dapping up people. You can’t pointdexter the sh*t, my ninja. You have to rock the stunna shades and pop your collar. Don’t pop your collar. But like wear Jordans or something. Pseudo-celebs totally rock Jordans. And really expensive tank tops. In the winter.

4. Always respond to anonymous shoutouts

You ever been out and somebody yells for their friend across the street. Always assume they’re yelling for you. Say you hear a “HEY! HO! HEY! HO!” like you’re a Lumineer my ninja. Well, you bet’ yell back “WHATS UP BRO! STAY SWAGGY!” Then keep on walking I ain’t talking to you anymore.

5. Tell people you’re a promoter

In fact, create a Linkedin account with your sole job as promoter. That way when people google you (you are pseudo-famous remember) they’ll see that you ain’t lying. On paper. Promoters are famous people. You are kind of famous, so you promote happy hours. Especially the one you’re at where you dapped up all the people you didn’t know. HEY HO. HEY HO.

6. Always walk to the VIP line and be surprised when you can’t get in…in the VIP line.

This has never happened to me. I’m not only pseudo-famous, I’m the pseudo-famous president. I got a card. It’s like one of those punch-cards for so many free coach entries and you get a free VIP entry. Totally rocks.

Do dat do dat do do dat dat dat.

You know what, this is how motherf*cking pseudo famous I am….I’m spent.

You do the heavy lifting. How would you advise somebody to get their fake celebrity on. Like Panama Jackson. I’m your client. Help me be famous.

Happy Friday.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WHAT THE F*CK DID I JUST WRITE? aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • The Other Jerome

    Re: #3

    As a Celeb, i thought you were supposed to wear the Sunglasses inside the club? Thats the best way to be pseudo famous!

    Why? Who the heck knows!!!!!!

    • IcePrincess

      Lol! Now that rite there is some bamma azz sh*t fa real. Like, my ninja, it’s no sun up in this club. U can’t be cool bumping into walls & sh*t cuz u can’t see. Smdh

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        I’ve totally done that before so I could see just how dark it was.

        It’s f*cking dark. Zero dark thirty.

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

        mm i once ate too many shrooms and got fly vision on the dancefloor. lawdamercy i was in need of shades at that moment ~*~

    • nillalatte

      Duh, to hide yo blood shot eyes from what you did BEFORE you hit the club! Not that I would know or anything. LOL

      • The Other Jerome

        Yeah but how do you keep from bumping in to everyone? My “Clubbing Chi” isn’t high enough to perfect that……. yet!

        • nillalatte

          Most of the time you sit yo’ arse down and chill. I saw a dude one night trying to get his dougie on and security told him, no shades on the dance floor. lol… if he’d just been sitting his arse down and chllin they’d left him alone.

          oh, and that’s another way to get yo’ pseudo celeb on… get to know the security peeps. I once knew them from club to club. It was awesome, and, yes, I know, females get preferences at da club — and we enjoy it! ;)

    • IcePrincess

      Shades in da club? Now that is some bamma azz sh*t rite there! Like, bruh, it’s no sun up in this dark azz club. You kno u strugglin to see like a mug. #EPICFAIL

      • IcePrincess

        However I do keep my shades on at school all day errday. I call them my hater blockers lol. In my defense, the fluorescent lighting do be hella bright in that b*tch. At first, some teachers might have a problem with it, but I still don’t remove them. Who gon check me boo? But once they see that I’m an A student, they don’t sweat me about it no more. A couple folks have even given me a nickname cuz of it- Hollywood. They’ll see me in the hall like, “wudup Hollywood?” Lmao. I don’t rock dat cheap sh*t eitha. All my shades are prada, Chanel, etc. So u already kno I’m stuntin on them hoes :-)

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

          “I don’t rock dat cheap sh*t eitha. All my shades are prada, Chanel, etc. So u already kno I’m stuntin on them hoes ”

          So…is that how you got the name IcePrincess?

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            I read this story (gonna try to find it) that states like all sunglasses are made in teh same place. all of them. cheap and expensive alike.

            • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

              Yeah, that company is in Italy, I think.

              • http://www.twitter.com/nikjax Yaadgyrl

                The company’s called Luxxotica.

          • IcePrincess

            Na. I used to have quite the jewelry collection back in the day. After all, diamonds ARE a girl’s best friend ;-)

            • IcePrincess

              That was for PA.

            • nillalatte

              I’m gonna have to disagree with you here Ice. I had a 2.75 carat tear drop diamond ring flanked by marquis cut emeralds. The band that went with it had eight marquis cut emeralds also. It was appraised at 23K. I couldn’t sale that damn thing for over a year and I can assure you it didn’t sale for nearly the appraisal cost.

              I’m with the Arabs when it comes to jewelry. Give me 18K, 21K and 24K gold any day of the week. There is a reason they base things on gold prices. I still have quite a few pieces from my ventures in the Arab world. I’ve almost parted with them several times. They are probably worth10x if not more than what I paid for them 20 years ago. Diamonds simply do not have that value.

              • IcePrincess

                Girl stooooop! I mean, I feel you on 18k gold tho. I don’t wear anything less. Anything higher is too soft though. Not good for holding stones. Platinum is the best of all. Also, lots of factors go into determining a diamond’s value. I’m sure ur familiar with the 5 C’s. unfortunately, teardrop shape is the 2nd lowest value cut. Heart shaped being the lowest. That combined with a subpar color and/or clarity could be why your ring didn’t hold up to it’s retail price. Sounds gorgeous tho.

    • h.h.h.

      “As a Celeb, i thought you were supposed to wear the Sunglasses inside the club? Thats the best way to be pseudo famous!

      Why? ”

      So he can, spy on his girlfriend? #NappyHeadz

      • Kema

        LMAO! I immediately thought girlfriend spying.

    • Arkie_girl

      The other night on Bravo’s WWHL, a caller asked Lil Jon why he always wears sunglasses. He said because it makes you look like a superstar.

      So Panama is on to something.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        CHACHING.

    • Missy

      Saw an older Asian guy at the gym last night with some super dark Psy type sunglasses…he worked out the entire time with them on.

      On the treadmill, the elliptical, lifting weights and doing push ups. And he took his time while doing each of the workouts.

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    I think I can teach a workshop on how to be pseudo-famous as a byproduct of a couple pseudo-famous celeb… bloggers.

    So maybe I’m just seudo-famous. Where the P is not only silent, it’s invisible.

    • BougieHippie

      As a VSB lurker… the people who comment regularly aren’t just pseudo celebs… it’s real.
      Cheekie you commented on my Instagram photo and I DIED. Felt all special (and shit).

      • Breezy

        Cheekie IS a celebrity…you see her looking like a BAWSE in her VSB sweatshirt…lol

        Oh and your hair BougieHippie is FABULOUS…jelly!

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Chile!!! That’s because you were giving mad hair pr0n!!! *faints*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i wish i knew what that felt like!

      which is also what she said.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        It feels like… um…. teen spirit.

        Also, that’s definitely what she said. Heh.

  • Malik

    You’re a weird fellow Panama.

    • IcePrincess

      No he aint. He just silly as all get out. Such a happy spirit.

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      lmao

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      LOL. do tell.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

    Here’s how to be a pseudo-celebrity, courtesy of yours truly…

    (And trust me folks, these things actually work…no lie!):

    One: Show up at your place of employment and walk through without speaking to anyone. When asked why you didn’t acknowledge their existence, immediately respond by saying this:

    “I only speak to important people- like the ones who sign my checks”

    Two: Go out in public and unleash your inner Ari Gold.

    Three: If you happen to get…scratch this one- I’ll keep this to myself. This move I pulled back in 2008 was too arrogant for words- moving right along…

    Four: If you happen to become an actual celebrity at some point in time, this should be your default theme song:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTCvA-5BV20

    And this one too, by the way:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3uSD2sBCEo

    • The Other Jerome

      I like to walk through my workplace, point to random people and say “Your doing a great job babe, keep up the good work”

      My cool-o-meter goes off the charts when i do that ^_^

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        Trying to get to that executive level, huh?

        • IcePrincess

          PA!!!!! Good to see u bro! What’s hannin?

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

            Hello IcePrincess. What it do, pimpin’?

      • nillalatte

        I like that. Peeps need that pat on the back. Some days it’s hard to show up at work AND with a smile.

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

          maybe cuz I’m a sarcastic a. hole I always will assume the one who does that is being sarcastic as well

          • LMNOP

            It took me a long time to realize that random compliments weren’t people’s way of being like “fuk you.”

            The good news is you can just respond to either with “thanks” and keep you sarcastic paranoia to yourself.

    • Todd

      I like that first song as a theme song. I could use that for when I honestly become famous. :)

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      Boom!

      lmao

    • CNotes

      “Go out in public and unleash your inner Ari Gold”

      Ari Gold fascinates me. lol

      • IcePrincess

        That character made that entire show.

  • nillalatte

    “3. Wear sunglasses when it rains”

    LOL… no shyt… that’s being pseudo famous? I thought it was early Alzheimers because I kid you not, I’ve done this!– it took me a minute to realize why I couldn’t see well. I also lose my sunglasses and run around the house looking every where for them only to realize about 10 minutes later I pushed them back on my head and they’re in my hair like a hair comb. LOL

    Ain’t nobody tryin’ to front, but I gets around. Folks be knowing me and shyt. I takes it to the levels that only the dogs dog knows, if you know what I mean. I gots the ride, I gots the smoke, I gots the beat all up in my ride, and folks be sitting 4 deep all of ‘em mean muggin’. Nah, ain’t nobaday gonna say that mama is no kinda pseudo famous. Folks like me ain’t looking for ‘famous’ in a Kim K way, no what I mean? LOL (I’m totally playing!)

    Ha… my fun fake celebrity is limo rides. Now, granted I used to take these limos to and from the airport when I was going in and out of town on business because the limos were just as expensive as a taxi, but with perks, like arriving alive, cold bottles of water free with the ride. The limo driver showed up at my house all decked in a suit, took my luggage, opened doors, played the music I wanted to listen to, etc. Pull up at the airport, erbody looking to see who gonna get out of the limo. Psych! Just lil ole me. I ain’t nobody? Hey, I ain’t the one leaving Vegas with empty pockets. Dats what I’m talkin about! LOL

    • LMNOP

      “3. Wear sunglasses when it rains”

      LOL… no shyt… that’s being pseudo famous? I thought it was early Alzheimers because I kid you not, I’ve done this!

      BOL. It could be both.

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      I love this lmaoooo

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I do not have early onset oldtimers.

    • http://geogee.wordpress.com/ GeoGee

      I love this. I would love to quote an excerpt in a blog piece I’m working on on a similar topic. I’ll see that you get a credit line.

      “Ain’t nobody tryin’ to front, but I gets around. Folks be knowing me and shyt. I takes it to the levels that only the dogs dog knows, if you know what I mean. I gots the ride, I gots the smoke, I gots the beat all up in my ride, and folks be sitting 4 deep all of ‘em mean muggin’. Nah, ain’t nobaday gonna say that mama is no kinda pseudo famous. Folks like me ain’t looking for ‘famous’ in a Kim K way, no what I mean?”

  • IcePrincess

    Panama, whenever u are on a flight, instruct the crew that they are not to look you in the eye or address u directly for any reason. They will think you are so important & cool. Then when the plane goes down in flames, wonder why nobody is assisting you with your oxygen mask :-)

    • nillalatte

      Damn Ice. You’re so cruel. What did Panama ever do to you? lol

      • IcePrincess

        Nooooo! It was meant as a joke! I was giving him advice on how to act like a celebrity. It was actually a slick dig at Oprah. They said she did that on a plane before

        • nillalatte

          nilla is slow… you make references all the time that I miss. *sigh* *out of the loop*

        • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

          IP that Oprah story wasn’t suppose to be public, but then like she is, it probably is a book by now.

        • amber l

          Prince does/did the same thing.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      “Panama, whenever u are on a flight, instruct the crew that they are not to look you in the eye or address u directly for any reason.”

      Trying to turn Panama into Prince, huh? LMAO!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I tried that once. Went wrong.

      Mostly cuz i was on spirit airlines.

      never fly spirit airlines

      • nillalatte

        LOL… spirit airlines, where the fairs are $19 to some places and then the website asks you “would you like to buy a seat?” LMAO… that was the craziest shyt I’d ever seen. Like you’re going to stand for a flight. We joked that next screen would ask “do you need a seatbelt?” and wondered if when you got on the plane to go to the lavatory you’d have to deposit .50 cents?! Craziest shyt ever.

  • Sahel

    Easiest way to be a pseudo celeb. **** a true celeb and tell on a blog..and milk it like tomorrow never comes

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      Bonus points if you slept with that person before they became a celebrity- just so you can say you hit it first.

      *Ray J mode*

      • Sahel

        500 points if you inspire an entire generation to be just like you. Cue paris hilton via kim kardarshian

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      Basically have any reason to “expose” someone famous

    • LMNOP

      Hmm.. which celebrity should Panama sleep with and then tell us about?

      • mena

        Lauren London but I heard her stock went down by 3 pts after Wayne. PJ, what celeb do you want to hit so that you can become even more of a pseudo celeb?

        • Sahel

          Joselin

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          I used to want to smang Lauren London. Lil wayne ruined that.

          I’ll tag Zoe for the celebrity. Or…hmm…Oprah. I’d totally bag Oprah.

          • kid video

            I would bend Zoe like a pretzel…Oprah gotta lay down doe.

            • mena

              You better work it with a bigger woman. Flexibility knows no size.

              • kid video

                Zoe is for play…Oprah is for work.

          • mena

            Sir, stop with Oprah. You would just sit on her couch, sip some tea, and tell your life story while eating chicken wings and ribs and crying into a silk handkerchief.

            Zoe, meh, you can do a bit better. Think big PJ. Under Oprah but above Zoe.

            • Camilleblu

              Lol….mena u stoopid!

              • mena

                He knows good and well Oprah would have him rethinking his entire life, goals, and reaching into his inner depths.

                He may even lay his head on her b00bs while she lotions his scalp with coconut oil.

                • LMNOP

                  lol, I just said the same thing, by “bag” Oprah, you mean talk to Oprah.

                  I would COMPLETELY watch them talk for an hour if that was a show though. And I am one of those anti-reality TV people too.

                  • Breezy

                    Mena and LMNOP: why ya’ll clowning PJ and his macking skills? He had already proven to be The Obsidian’s Whisper and surely would have Oprah pannie dropping.

                    PJ, I believe you can fly my man…go get you some!

          • LMNOP

            Oprah?

            I feel like if the two of you got together, you would just talk for days and forget to have sex.

            She might give you a car though. Hell she might give all of us a car for encouraging you to follow your crazy dreams.

            Maybe you’d get a show on OWN too, you’re much funnier than Dr. Phil.

            This plan is really coming together, actually. We need to get you in touch with Oprah.

            • Tx10inch

              Don’t know bout Oprah, but her friend Gayle can get it. She zexxxy for an old broad! I’m lyin…O could get it too. (Gotta think bout my future, ya heard?)

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              can we make this happen?

    • GypsyCurl

      Or join a “reality” show or competition (<—– that's how I plan to do it. #survivor2014) which leads to other "reality" show gigs (my ultimate goal is DWTS cuz they have psuedo celebs some/most/all the time; I've always loved ballroom dancing)

  • The Other Jerome

    …..Also handy VIP line tips because its friday:

    First make sure that your dressed trendy/stylish. If your best shirt is a button down Nautica/Polo with vertical lines (or your clothes are baggy…. it’s 2013 folks) this wont work

    Second, walk straight to the front, slap five with the promoter or security like you know them and make quick small talk (like 2 sentences quick) For example, if he’s security then… “what’s up man, they got you here tonight huh?”

    Then slap five with whoever (security or promoter) that is standing not to far from them and make more quick small talk like you know them.

    Then proceed and continue to walk through the gate. Promoters know so many people that they get confused who really is supposed to be front of the line VIP or not. And i guarantee you the two of them will not confer with each other and just assume you’re the other guys peeps.

    This ish works at least 60%+ of the time, real talk (as long as you don’t have a ginormous group or your group is filled with nothing but dudes)

    You’re confidence has to be on point though.

    Happy Friday!!!

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      Brilliant.

    • Todd

      When I was younger, I did this a bunch. It does work. Shame I’m not really a club dude. LOL

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      brilliant, Jerome!

    • CNotes

      LOL! NICE

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      This def should work.

    • IcePrincess

      $5? Chile, not in an Atl club!

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    If you are a man dress like a woman. Then become a hair stylist. Move to Atlanta. Find out where the RHOA hang out. Hang out there. Talk ish about Derrick J. Offer to do the hair of one or more of the housewives.

    If you are a woman have sex with a famous person’s little brother. Make sure the tryst is taped. Secretly give the tape to Vivid Entertainment. Pretend to be mortified when the tape is released. Move to Los Angeles. Hang out at trendy clubs with the daughter of a famous singer.

    The world will be yours!

    • kid video

      You tryin to become an executive at VH1?

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        Never! :-)

    • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

      Val, are you sure you don’t consult for BET????

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        Well, since no one seems to be able to destroy BET from the outside, I figure I’ll be a double agent of sorts and wreck them from within. Lol.

    • Todd

      Nice idea, but do you realize how hard it is for someone 6’5″ 240 to find women’s clothes my size? Damn you Val! Damn you to HELLLLLlllll!!!!!111

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        Well, Todd, that may have been an excuse in the past but in the era of Madea you no longer have an excuse. Lol

      • Malik

        Find out where Brittney Griner gets those nice suits.

        • IcePrincess

          BOL!!

        • Todd

          The sad part is that is sounding like a good idea right now. The clothing struggle is REAL! I guess being a WNBA Draft Pick has its privileges, because I don’t know where to find those suits. LOL

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

        one word :: customize ~*~

  • veryaveragebrotha

    Have your boys (who got their before you) clap for you when you walk into the bar. I’m talking a standing ovation. This move is so simple yet so brilliant.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      damn that is brilliant.