How The World’s Worst Dating Advice Actually Worked For Me » VSB

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How The World’s Worst Dating Advice Actually Worked For Me

Code Red Films

 

Chances are, if you were a normal college student, you were a terrible person to date. Who really knows anything about being a quality partner at 18, 19, even 20, 21 years old? Most of us at that age were just trying to find ourselves (or find ourselves in someone else’s pants). Now that I’m safely in my 30s, I would never tell my daughter (or any high school girl) to go looking for a husband among baby-faced undergrads.

But that’s actually how I met my husband.

The last time I “dated,” Baby Bush was President, Twitter didn’t exist, and I still had an active MySpace profile. I was 23. I met a 21-year-old chemistry student in a lobby while taking a break from my grad studies. We were so young; babies, really. I didn’t look at him and think he’d be my husband one day. But here we are, nearly seven years married, 10 years together, two kids in.

If I had to do it over again, committing to a serious relationship in college, I might tell my alternate universe self to slow down. But I was never a casual dater in college. I hated the emotional guessing game of dating, so I didn’t do much of it. I fell in love with a man who loved me and was happy to be permanently cuffed up by the age of 25. It turned out to be the right decision for me.

In general, though, it’s a terrible idea to be marriage-oriented in college. Few people are even interested in settling down that early. The early twenties are rife with trifling adventures. We’re financially unstable for the better part of a decade. But when I read today’s horror stories about $200 dates, swiping left or right on Tinder, dick-pic-filled DMs, and how degrees don’t keep us warm at night, I am struck by how relatively…easy… dating was in a college town.

Reason #1: (Almost) Everyone Is Equally Broke and Trifling

We (the 30 and older set) joke about it now with nostalgia, but if you went to school, you were probably broke the majority of the time. Maybe not poor, but definitely the type who signed up for credit cards because you needed the free shirts.  You usually had a roommate unless your parents could afford for you to live alone. Living arrangements were notoriously sketchy (mattresses on floors, anyone?) If you had a car, you were golden. People could hit you up for rides home and offer gas money without judgment. But it wasn’t odd to be without transportation.

But since everyone was 50 shades of broke, we were (generally) understanding about it. We asked, “What’s your major?” rather than “Where do you work?” We had jobs, but they were highly unglamorous: a campus gig for tuition assistance; a seasonal, retail, or food service job; an under-the-table temp; doing hair in the dorm.

Reason #2: Everyone is Bored AF at the Same Events

Panama  recently wrote on VSB about (presumably professional-aged) men not attending events intended for both sexes. I didn’t have that issue when I was still dating. Classes made it easier to find people who shared my interests. Colleges always have free events on campus and everyone goes because there is nothing else to do. I actually met my husband at a campus poetry club open meeting that had a mix of women and men.

(Editor’s note: This, btw, is the only reason 97% of men who attend “poetry clubs” attend “poetry clubs.” To be a Darius to someone’s Nina.)

Reason #3: (Almost) Everyone’s Expectations Were Low

Maybe some women in college expected the sun, moon, and Starbucks from guys who were funding their dating life from refund checks. But dating expectations were lower overall and that was acceptable. If he took you to Red Lobster in college, he was flexing. Redbox and chill a homemade dinner was a legitimate date. (Just don’t watch Rosewood on a first date. Trust me on this.)

Something about graduation upsets the balance of broke we experience in college. Our expectations ratchet up, but our financial and emotional statuses do not always follow. Now you have to worry about appearing “adult” enough with transportation, your own apartment, and a steady and respectable source of income (“career”). We’re dealing with student loan debt and wondering about a potential mate’s financial literacy. And that’s even taking for granted we can meet like-minded people, since we’re no longer sequestered on campuses pursuing common goals.

While I would never advise today’s college student to attend university looking for a husband or wife, things seemed so much simpler then. Or maybe I’m tripping on nostalgia and I was just one of the lucky ones?

Filed Under: ,
Dara Mathis

Dara T. Mathis is a freelance writer newly based in the DMV and the sweet & snark behind TrulyTafakari.com. She tweets for the love of biscuits.

  • Amen

    My wife and I met in college, but we were friends. We didn’t start dating until the last semester of her senior year and I had graduated almost 2 years before. We always joke about how we probably wouldn’t be married now if we had dated in college. I think that’s probably true though. One of us would have messed it up (probably me).
    On the other hand, one of my best friends from college is single, bout to turn 30. He’s an attorney, makes a pretty good living. Every time I talk to him, I’m glad I got married so soon out of college. it’s crazy out there lol

  • KB

    Maybe being broke in college helps to keep you humble and make you a better partner because you have something you are striving towards ( a career/marriage) and that is an attractive trait to possess. In college we are essentially starting from the bottom and working our way up, similar to how our parents and grandparents did things. I think once many of us get out of college and a good number of us start to develop this list of an “ideal” mate based off things we achieve in our lives so we look for the same in a potential partner, no matter how ridiculous those traits may be. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve who search for mates who have similar income, educational, and career aspirations as them, something no doubt acquired post graduation. Meeting and later marrying someone you met while in college is admirable because it is assumed the two of you started out with similar goals and worked together to achieve them, which I’m sure helps build a stronger bond between couples versus each person pursuing things individually and later trying to build a life together from each person’s individual life.

    • Success Is Certain

      There’s something to be said for someone that was there grinding with you versus someone that knew you while you were grinding but doesn’t think you’re worthy until after the grind has started to pay off.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      So true. We live in a society where nobody wants to build together. We expect everybody to have their ish together and fail to realize that we become more uncompromising when we obtain more of the items we covet.

      • Kas

        Indeedy

      • Epsilonicus

        “We live in a society where nobody wants to build together.”

        I just had this debate with my wife’s friends.

        • LoveTrenia

          I think it’s hard to have a mindset of building together when you’ve got a career that you’ve worked really hard to build, and this dude is still talking about getting is rap career off the ground.

          • Epsilonicus

            99% of the time that is not the scenario. It is a little more nuanced than that

  • Dara ain’t have to come thru and remind us how we unchose tho….

    • Oopssss

    • -h.h.h.-

      Dara ain’t have to come thru and remind us how we unchose tho….

      Dara came through like
      http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-opVpw7uGgR0/U888yqOWbGI/AAAAAAAABk4/9x-IJLqKq8I/s640/tumblr_m2y1q1Gt4s1r3wq4i.gif

      • Y’all making me feel bad lol

        • Buster Cannon

          Good, let the shame flow through you lol

          http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/shm2.gif

        • -h.h.h.-

          it’s just first-post hazing, lol. i’ve come to make peace with my lack of relationships and going forward, i’ll do what i can to be me and seek happiness.

    • Asiyah

      Or how we’re not chosen :(

      • Wild Cougar

        I can’t with the whole concept of being “chose”. It’s an illusory state of being reliant on the intention of another person towards you. It’s the epitome of a passive state. I can’t with passivity. I am. I choose. I do. I love. My status is not relative, dammmit.

        • Asiyah

          This is my dilemma. I don’t want to feel like I’m being chosen, I like to have some autonomy, but you can’t force somebody to like you, you know? I’m doing other kinds of choosing like doing things I like regardless of who approves or not (reading, going out alone, etc.)

  • Mr. Quojo .

    This Article should be retitled “How to date in college”, and should be required reading for all HBCU students.

  • Baemie St. Patrick

    This is depressing. I’m out.

  • I was in a serious (as serious as two kids are gonna get) relationship almost my entire college experience. On the one hand, I regret it now because… monogamy. On the other hand, it was great growing up with someone and watching them grow too. But still… monogamy… in college. Ugh. It would’ve def been simpler then, except, I REALLY didn’t know how to simplify things back then. So, that relationship crashed and burned and here I am old and unchosed, but wiser.

    • Kas

      I first read this as you had two kids during college. I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

      • Oh. No. Nope. All the no’s in the universe combined. He had a really big head and every time I even thought about future children I needed a Tylenol. Plus, I could barely feed my self in college, I could not feed babies too lol.

        • Baemie St. Patrick

          I really LOL’ed!!!

      • mssporadic

        Me too.

        • Oops :( Well no, I just meant we were essentially children ourselves.

    • Brandon Allen

      You can’t be locked up in college. That’s all bad.
      Just scope for the potential mate.

      • Yep, I didn’t know… It wasn’t in the brochures, wasn’t in SAT prep. None of it.

  • Brandon Allen

    It’s just easier to date when you know someone’s path and plan from jump.
    I’m sort of in the same lane as Dara and the prospect of meeting someone new outside of the circles I made during that time seems exhausting.

  • cakes_and_pies

    I only know one couple who met and got married in college. They’re still married, but I guess they’re bored with each other (or not?) because they’re always looking to have 3 -somes.

    • Tambra

      Variety is the spice of life :P.

    • NTTAWWT… I heard.

      • Its lit

      • cakes_and_pies

        Not at all, but you don’t straight up ask someone whom you haven’t seen in a few years.
        That’s uncouth behavior.

        • I guess they figure, that person is familiar but far enough removed. But yeah, gotta ease your way into that convo for sure. I’d imagine.

          • cakes_and_pies

            Basically.

          • Kas

            You’d imaginw. Uh huh. :)

      • Brandon Allen

        Yo please decipher this acronym.

        • Kas

          Not That There’s Anything Wrong with That

          • Brandon Allen

            Merci.

        • Amber

          Not that there’s anything wrong with that

      • mssporadic

        My mind kept saying “What a Time to be Alive.” #ThanksDrake

        I’m very slow today. I blame Mondays.

        • Kas

          I like your version better.

      • Tambra

        What’s your pairing? Being nosy that all.

        • As in, who I pair body parts with?

          • Tambra

            The 3 some thing.. as I said was being nosy.

            • I don’t think I fully understand the question. But I like to keep my options open.

              • Tambra

                I was asking if you were to if it would be 2 guys and a girl or 2 girls and a guy.

                • Oh okay, that’s what I thought. Same answer.

                  • Tambra

                    Ok.

    • Julian Green

      Gotta keep things fresh.

    • Epsilonicus

      Thats not a sign of boredom at all.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    #3 for the win!

    With prices for goods so low, I remember telling one of my boys back home you can get a 2 two for twos, two twenty five cent sodas, and two tickets to the dollar movie and spend less than ten dollars AND not get clowned. #winning!

  • Agatha Guilluame

    I’m 31. And half the guys I’m meeting socially are in my age range and divorced. 31 and divorced. 32 and divorced. 33 and divorced. 34 and divorced. So, it’s hard for me to romanticize the “college sweetheart” when I’m meeting so many men with so many regrets (and so much baggage! ugh).

    • Sigma_Since 93

      are they military? I used to see this alot from kids that would get married out of basic training.

      • Agatha Guilluame

        I was just thinking of the men I’ve been meeting, they aren’t military though. But I do have a guy friend, ex-military. Married young. Had a kid. Divorced.

        But now that I’m thinking about it. All of my friends that married young are in one of three camps right now. 1. Bored af. 2. Going through it. 3. Divorced. Every. single. one.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          When I talk to my single friends, they say my life is boring af. I love my boring life, there are mundane things that bring me such joy. I love pulling onto my street and driving slowly as I approach my house. I love mowing my lawn and watching the pseudo white tears created when they realize I’m not the gardener. I love not having to go to the club and what now constitutes a date night.

          The thing you lose is your eff it factor. Folks have grown so used to saying eff it and taking new applications that it’s more of a challenge when you have to put in the work.

          • Amber

            That’s the thing, I’m looking forward to the mundane things with a partner. I have married friends who really work on their relationship and life seems to be filled with stuff that make my single no children life more mundane.

          • Kas

            This. Until you figure out it takes work to have a good marriage, you are doomed to fail. I have a client that I cover which occasionally requires out of state travel. He is constantly trying to turn it into a boondoggle, while I am trying to flunout and back the same. I’m good at home with my wife while my kids interrupt any semblance of an adult conversation.

        • DBoySlim

          Our generation isn’t built for that young marriage stuff. We’re using outdated standards for dating.

          • Val

            Not sure if it really has as much to do with generation as it does location, options, education, economics, etc. If you are a small town person who wants to stay a small town person then your priorities might be different. You may want to get married out of high school. And it might be a very successful marriage.

            • DBoySlim

              That speaks to my point. The options are far greater than ever before. People don’t HAVE to get married anymore. Also, the need for higher education coupled with high debt causes many to delay marriage or even the thought of it.

              • Val

                But, like I said, if you are from a small town in the Midwest or some tiny blue collar town you might decide for for social or economic reasons to marry early. So thinking that those options are there for everyone or that those people even want to have those options ignores a large percentage of the population.

            • cancergirl08

              This is pretty much both of my parents!

    • Kas

      I can’t imagine marrying a college sweetheart. It’s not where my head was at the time. My personal opinion, the average man doesn’t know enough about himself to get married any time before his early 30’s.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Heck high school couples that went to the same college barely made it out of the first semester together…I can’t fathom marriage.

        • Brandon Allen

          I was one of the high school couples. It went very very poorly.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            You probably got on the yard, saw the ladies, and went.

          • KB

            I made the mistake of going away to college and having a girl 3 hours back home. Needless to say that relationship didn’t last week into my college life. I saw all those beautiful women(who were dtf) and it was a wrap.

            • Brandon Allen

              Listen man, I got a scholarship to out of state to school.
              My girl paid racks out of her own pocket to go. I wish it was just beautiful women that ended it instead of just emotional anguish.

      • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

        Unfortunately, a significant portion are too set in their ways by the time their know enough about themselves to go through the necessary changes and compromise that is required for a good marriage.

        • Kas

          But even marrying young requires compromises?

          • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

            Yes, but it’s been my observation that people are generally better able to compromise at that point.

    • -h.h.h.-

      are you meeting the same type of guys, in the same type of places?

      #JustAThought

      • Agatha Guilluame

        No.

        One was in DC. One was at my fave spot in the city. One was just on the street. One was a setup by a friend.

        • -h.h.h.-

          gotcha

        • Val

          On the street?

          • Kas

            See catcalls do work. I knew it.

            • Val

              I’d be very surprised if the encounter began with a catcall.

              • Kas

                Let me hold on to my dreams for a few minutes before you come over here popping my balloon.

          • Agatha Guilluame

            Listen…I was leaving work…there were a bunch of fire trucks and people outside. So I stop and look up like everyone else…people thought there was a jumper. This guy stops next to me and asks me “what’s going on” and I tell him and go back to looking up and he just kept talking to me. He was cute so I allowed it. And by the time we’d exchanged the whole what do you do…yada yada…he had my info. So yeah, that’s how I met someone on the street.

            • I love this. A textbook meet-cute #goals

    • Kas

      Attending Divorce Anonymous meetings is not the best place to find men with no baggage, but their spirit should be broken sufficiently.

      • Cheech

        B~)

    • Brandon Allen

      That’s the thing if you get it right like Dara you’re good cuz you don’t have deal with understanding someone’s whole life +30. It’s too much.

    • KB

      On the flip side, being 34 and never married (not even engaged) with no kids, I am beginning to the side-eyes and weird stares from women when I tell them this. Had a homegirl say she would seriously question a guy’s sexuality if she came across a dude my age with no kids and never even been close to marriage. I guess this is the other side of that, “if a woman isn’t married by her early/mid 30s then something must be terribly wrong with her” rationale. Such is life I guess.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I question women/men who think like that. Mostly because they aint up to snuff but talk a lot about what someone else is supposed to do.

        • KB

          Same here.

          • Christinekellis2

            “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cs39ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cs39n:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsBestGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!cs39n….,..

          • Jennifer Carlson

            “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!ca35ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !ca35n:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsInternetGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!ca35n….,.

      • miss t-lee

        This whole line of thinking is so basura.

      • Buster Cannon

        That’s the odd thing about it, logically you’d think you’d be in a more desirable position since you have less baggage. Instead folks go with the following line of thinking: “If they haven’t been chosen yet, what’s so wrong or undesirable about them that haven’t been paired off yet”. You can’t win no matter what you do.

        • Kas

          Nah, you just have to find the right one.

        • Success Is Certain

          Word. I like to think that relationships are like jobs…Easier to get one when you have one already.

          • Kas

            Jobs and relationships are easier to get when you aren’t pressed. Both can sense desperation.

            • Success Is Certain

              See, that’s the weird part…You want to convey to the hiring manager/interviewer that you want the job and are the right candidate…but you can’t go too hard. Lol.

              In regards to dating/relationships….some folks also seem to want those that aren’t available.

              • Buster Cannon

                In regards to dating/relationships….some folks also seem to want those that aren’t available.

                In general, the vibe a taken dude gives off exudes far more confidence than that of a single man. Plus the fact that he’s with someone means that he must have some level of desirability, boosting his attractiveness further.

                • Success Is Certain

                  That whole conundrum baffles me. You need experience to get the job….but you can’t get experience unless you get the job.

                  • Blueberry01

                    But you can develop your confidence, as well as your skills, in other areas before you get the job.

                • Furious Styles

                  The lack of neediness. Neediness is the anti-sex equation.

                  • Buster Cannon

                    Yeahp. It’s crazy how having options (or at least pretending that you do) increases your value, both in the dating and business worlds. If your interviewer asks if you have other companies in contact with you, and you say yes, they see you as a catch. You could easily take one of the other jobs, but you choose them.

                    Otherwise, it’s like “This scrub has us as his only option, must not be worth much”. Abundance mentality is a powerful weapon.

                    • Quirlygirly

                      So are you saying having option(or pretending to) will increase your chances with a potential date?

                      I gotta remember this stuff

                    • Buster Cannon

                      Tends to be that way for guys more than the ladies; personally I don’t factor in how much attention a woman draws from other dudes into whether I’m attracted to her.

                      But yeah, think of it this way: who would you rather have? The guy attractive enough to pull any woman, yet he chooses you? Or would you rather have the dude that gets rejected by everyone due to being un-attractive for whatever reason, and you’re his only option?

                    • Quirlygirly

                      Ok I see your point

                    • Wild Cougar

                      Everybody gets rejected. Some hide it better. I’d rather have the guy every girl isn’t vying for. Less drama in my life.

                    • Kas

                      Doesn’t work for women. Ya’ll gotta be the virgin mary, never done more than held hands, possibly kissed but no tongue. Otherwise you’s damaged good not worthy of a real relationship. Joking. But in all seriousness, that play doesn’t work for women.

                    • Quirlygirly

                      Why not Kas?

                    • Kas

                      My personal opinion which is going to get me trampled by the VSS’s. Women are more competitive with other women when it comes to dating than men are with men. You tell the typical guy who is looking for a relationship (not a romp) that you have a few suitors, we are more likely to back off. Women are more likely to try and prove they should be chose.

                    • Buster Cannon

                      Ye olde double standard

                      http://i.imgur.com/VZB5Lso.png

                    • rhymeswithbrucelee

                      I always attributed that to lack of self confidence. Like if she has all these guys interested in her, and she doesn’t pick me, that means those guys were better than me. Similar to guys always wanting a 2-1 ratio at parties: it gives them better odds

                    • Quirlygirly

                      I don’t see why that should get you trampled to a certain extent it is true. I have seen it but there are a few of women, myself included, who will fall back. If I get chosen it is because the guy saw my value outright, not in comparison to another woman or other women.

                    • cancergirl08

                      Hmm. I have an attractive male acquaintance in his late thirties and we were discussing dating one time. I remember him saying, “I won’t compete with other men.”

                    • Kas

                      We all compete. Any woman worth being chose has more than one suitor. However, a woman throwing that in my face as a way to get me to compete harder, would result in me moving on.

                    • Blueberry01

                      Men only back off if they are no longer interested or they don’t want to do the “work” to prove to the woman that she should pick him.

                    • Wild Cougar

                      It works for women, just not with insecure men (children).

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            That’s the funny thing about relationships in comparison to a job…the more you’ve had, the more desirable you’re supposed to be, and yet you’re really more credible if you’ve actually been in less places with more time on the board for each.

            • Success Is Certain

              Agreed. The whole thing is hard to figure out, honestly.

              • Kas

                You first mistake is trying to figure things out. Approach like you are driving a car. You don’t need to know how an internal combustion engine works, just gas to go, brake to stop, and steering wheel to turn. Just 3 basic things.

              • Furious Styles

                When In doubt, go review Brooklyn_Bruin’s posts.

        • black-a-rican

          Its the same logic trifling people use when they decide to try and steal someone else’s s.o.

          i.e. They’re married, so they must be worth something.

      • cakes_and_pies

        That’s a common theme everywhere for men. I still don’t get it.

        • Val

          Back in the day before it was socially acceptable there probably were lots of men and women who were single and childless and older due to being gay and in the closet. So, there’s a speck of reason behind the thought but these days it really doesn’t stand up.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            That makes sense for back then, but when we have unheard of rates for STDs, random pregnancies, kids without parents, divorce, etc…I don’t know why it seems complicated to some people out there that not everyone wants the headache.

      • mssporadic

        Sad, but people do think this way. I have a friend who married a man that was well into his 40s never married with no kids. She had a kid and was on her 2nd divorce.

        There is no cookie-cutter life. We are all doing the best with what we’ve got (hopefully).

      • When I was single, I swam in an ocean of guys like you and it was all the things. Until he started talking about babies and I started doing the backward crab walk outta there. The male biological clock is real! It was hella hard to get some guys to understand my 30 year old azz wanted a permanently vacant uterus. You could see their eyes glaze over and steam coming out of their ears from the burnt neurons.

        • Brandon Allen

          Yeah gotta get that legacy going.
          Can’t be an old azz man trying to play catch in the backyard.

          • Kas

            Living that life now. 5-year old and a 3-year old. Me, I’ll be 50 in July. Most frequently asked question in my house, “Daddy are you going to play with us or do your knees hurt too much?”.

            • Tambra

              Awww!!

            • Agatha Guilluame

              *chuckles*

              • Kas

                I ain’t here for your amusement AG. :)

            • Cleojonz

              God Bless you! Every time I think I might want another one I think Nope would be 50 with a kindergartner. Not going to happen.

              • Tambra

                Try it. It’s a means of keeping young.

                • Cleojonz

                  Or make you feel EXTRA older. I have a grown child also and I swear I had him so young because I was truly meant to be a younger parent to a kid like him. I couldn’t have had a kid like him older. NO ENERGY!

                  • Tambra

                    Please look on the positive side.

                    • Cleojonz

                      Babies are a positive. When you get to hand them back to their mothers lol. Besides, my youngest has told me in no uncertain terms that she is very happy in her baby of the family status and I better not go and eff that up for her lol. The force is strong with that one.

                    • Tambra

                      Lol, well the boss have spoken. That’s the joy of being an aunty you get to spoil then run:P.

              • Kas

                Texted my wife this past Friday I wanted to try for a daughter (had just seen a super chubby baby girl with the best curly hair ever), she called me on her lunch break ready to fight.

                • Cleojonz

                  I can relate. We don’t have a boy together I keep seeing cute little boys in little madras blazers and polo shirts. Then I come back to my senses.

                  • Kas

                    Go on and get you one.

                • Conrad Bess

                  You da real MVP. I’m 37, the wife 38. We talk about trying for the boy (3 girls) but then we remember how sleep is important to life.

                  • Kas

                    Sleep is overrated (i.e., my wife does all the heavy lifting).

            • Dmaclee

              Hubby will be 50 and I’ll be 39 really soon. The baby starts K-5 in the fall. His common refrain is that he’s too old for this sh**

              • Kas

                I feel his pain.

            • Epsilonicus

              Its why I want to be done baby making before 35

          • -h.h.h.-

            if i ever get married, that will be me lol.

        • Hugh Akston

          *The male biological clock is real!*

          Really??? One of my uncles had his last child when he was 80…yeah…lol

          • Kas

            For sure his?

            • Hugh Akston

              had to get DNA test done because it was with someone from the *Islands* lol…so yep

        • charisma_supreme

          I didnt know this was a thing until recently, and it is REALLY REAL!!! like, no, bruh.

      • Brass Tacks

        Yea. Because squirting life into someone makes you 100 percent not gay…obviously.

        Don’t even look/dress remotely well. Or worse be considered a catch. Then you definitely are on the down low and need to come out the back of the closet.

        Because what straight relatively attractive man aint passing off his genetics pseudo-indiscriminately?

        • Buster Cannon

          Bruh, from personal experience that one’s a killer. I dunno why folks are so quick to spread false gay rumors like that.

          • Brass Tacks

            Because it gives them a base (makeshift as heyll, but a base non the less) to build their faulty logic upon.

            Hang out with her and her friends and leave without making any advances…Gay.

            Say you’re looking forward to chilling with the boys for football, beer, and wings. Gay…and a bit childish.

            Personal hygiene on point… You know you Gay.

            To KNOW who you are as a man, yet have others insist differently is akin to a slave being told he isn’t human by another human being.

            -trustory-
            A woman once approached me and said that she thought I was cute and liked my swag, but didn’t trust it/me ’cause she was taught to never trust a man who wasn’t ashy anywhere visible.

            I thought it was a joke at first but she seriously felt that way.

            Keep in mind she only saw me in public, at my job, so why would I be ashy at work? But its funny how people can craft whole tales off b.s.

            • Tambra

              Well ego logic dictates that if he isn’t coming onto me ,because I am all that, he gotta to be gay. Not that I am not his cup of tea, he gotta be gay. HUMANS!

              • Brass Tacks

                Yea! Because again, Men don’t turn down pwussy. We fcuk any and everything! Saw us flirting with ol girl who to you wasn’t even that cute, so of course you got a better chance than her.

                No woman wants a man that makes/made poor decisions with his paynis (in theory). Yet, Life has shown, the men they are checking for (privately) as “normal” are the same ones they seem to deride (publicly).

                I don’t know how it all works. Seems like the adult edition of loving a rough neck. Part of the reason I’m soo content in my aintishness and all that it affords me.

                #AintNoChangeingMe

            • Truer-story: Never date a woman that thinks its acceptable for you to be ashy in public. #StayMoisturized

            • Blueberry01

              Ummm…why would she want an ashy man? Does it prove he can’t afford lotion, doesn’t keep any in his car, or works with his hands?

          • Furious Styles

            Because the thought that other people can do life differently and be happy makes them question their choices. Because one has to be better than the other. Because people suck.

            • Blueberry01

              Preach That Word.

        • KB

          Oh and it definitely didn’t help that I’m from Atlanta :-/

          • Brass Tacks

            Oh man. Bruh. When I got into my current area, the most common thing people said; besides how much they wanted to visit Atlanta is that it had a huge gay and tranny populace.

            Now being from and growing up in GA. I never knew this was a thing attributed to my state. So imagine my surprise when my southern boy style of dress immediately had me pegged me for gay.

            Im like: Because I’m fresher than two scoops of Downy fabric softener Im gay now?

            And whats more, because I didn’t “act” or have gay mannerisms (outside my style of dress, cause straight black guys cant dress well :/) I was obviously on the DL.

            • KB

              Man, the over-exaggeration about the gay population in Atlanta is crazy. I’ve seen/heard some people say things like, “I heard 2 out of every 4 men in Atlanta are either gay or on the DL, is this true?” I’m like, “really, so you believe half the male population in Atlanta is gay/on the down-low.” Cmon son.

              • Success Is Certain

                You can’t trust folks that give stats and they don’t even have the nerve to reduce the fraction in the stat to lowest terms…lol. #mathnerd

            • cancergirl08

              “Because I’m fresher than two scoops of Downy fabric softener”

              I’m stealing this! cues up Outkast, “So Fresh and So Clean”

      • Jennifer

        I question this less than when I meet a man in his mid- to late-30s who has never been in a long-term relationship (i.e., let’s say anything longer than 3 months). I understand that life happens — it’s how I’ve gotten to this point without marriage and kids — but when there have been no long-term attachments ever, I wonder how that person will operate in a basic relationship.

        • -h.h.h.-

          when you say long term attachments, do you mean romantic, or platonic?

          • Jennifer

            Romantic

            • -h.h.h.-

              outside of getting to know the person, what makes you wonder off jump?

              not trying to come at you, just wanna see something.

              • Quirlygirly

                I would wonder because there are so many people these days that have hang ups and issues. While I believe there are some people who have not been in a relationship due to religious upbringing or just not putting themselves out there like that, there are others who have control issues, body image issues and/or have mental instability. If the person is generally a good and decent human being, it just makes you wonder why haven’t this person had at least had a long term romantic relationship in their life. I can’t be the only one who sees their value.

      • brothaskeeper

        I can relate, KB. When I was dating in my 30s, women would look at me, single/never married/no kids, like I had 3 heads, some wondering if I alternated sexualities, some wondering if I was mentally imbalanced (read: crazy), and I think that contributed to the categories that a lot of these women would place me in, either the friend zone or emergency peen patrol. Thank God for Mrs. BK.

      • Hugh Akston

        on the same boat….but yeah…i feel you..

      • charisma_supreme

        Welcome to this side of society’s projections. (Insert Dave Chappelle as Rick James with outstretched arms and warm orange bkgnd meme)

      • Mika

        yea its the same. I am 32, never been married, no kids. People assume I don’t have kids because I have fertility issues. Oh.

        • cancergirl08

          Wait until you’re knocking on 35, single with no kids and family members start questioning your sexuality. I just laugh it off and keep enjoying being fancy free and footloose!

          • dmcmillian72

            This happened to me at about age 30-ish… I will be 44 in 2 weeks and I’m still unmarried with no kids. The Fam has stopped asking (except for my Mom) but the holiday side-eyes are REAL! =S D=

        • Blueberry01

          I find it interesting that those people (usually women) who make those snide comments about not being married or having kids yet, usually are not in healthy relationship or have kids in a undesirable situation.

      • occupiesthethrone

        Please, I’d trip somebody’s grandmother to find a man with no kids. I’m 29 and I told my older cousin I want a man with no kids because I don’t have any and he said I’ll never find a man. And, I’m beginning to suspect he’s right because I can’t even find a man with a job, never mind childless.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Is it surprising to see though that many of the men you’ll meet out there suffered through some of the Disney fantasies we’ve all spoken about, had things go wrong, and then realize they don’t know as much about life as they first thought, and now are just in transition without a clear destination?

      I don’t know what it is with women that at times, you all seem to have a better read on that issue, or maybe just hide it better. When some men are lost, we don’t even know it, we just assume things are supposed to come together as we just take it a step at a time. We’d be wrong of course, but don’t know that until…they do.

    • Janelle S

      Starter marriages are a thing. One of many reasons I told my husband I wasn’t interested in marriage. (Then he dropped that ultimatum and here we are. Every anniversary, I tell him that I blame him for this nonsense.)

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Starter marriages???? When did this start? I thought the shenanigans began and ended with perpetual engagement ladies and the I’m only giving her the ring to keep her happy dudes that tap out 6 hours before the wedding.

        • Janelle S

          Some young woman came out with a book about them before I got married 10 years ago. (It was a terrible book; the author was writing mostly out of personal experience.)
          A starter marriage is one between two “kids” in their early-mid 20s that lasts less than five years and ends in divorce with no kids. Mostly Gen Xers being starry-eyed about what marriage since all our parents got divorced. I’m hoping Millennials learned from those mistakes.

          • Wild Cougar

            A starter marriage is only a mistake if you wanna think of it that way. For that matter, you can say the same thing about divorce being a failure. It’s all in the perspective. My divorce was a life upgrade, in the final analysis.

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      This reminds me of what my mama told me when I just graduated college at 22y/o and all my friends were (humble bragging about) getting married, but I wasn’t. My mama was like, “Child please. You just continue working on preparing yourself. I guarantee you by the time you get married, they’ll all be divorcing.” And well, I’ll be da mn…….

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