How Taylor Swift Is The Most Dangerous Type Of White Woman, Explained » VSB

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How Taylor Swift Is The Most Dangerous Type Of White Woman, Explained

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Who is Taylor Swift?

Taylor Swift is a transubstantiated vision board curation of inspirational quotes who happens to be perhaps the world’s most famous White woman. She’s also Snapchat. (To me at least.)

She’s Snapchat? What do you mean?

I recognize that Snapchat is a thing that is a very popular thing. I am not unaware of its function and cultural relevance. But I have no interest whatsoever in learning more about it. Even if that knowledge might benefit me. I’ve officially opted out of Snapchat.

These feelings kinda, sorta mirror my thoughts about Taylor Swift. I know she is a very popular and important singer of songs and writer of songs. But if you put a gun to my head and asked me to name five Taylor Swift songs, I’d be confused that your choice to shoot me was based on such arbitrarily specific criteria. And then I’d wonder how you even got into my house. And how my bitch-ass pit bull allowed you to come upstairs without even barking. But then you’d have to shoot me. Because aside from some song that I think is called “Shake It Off” or something, I couldn’t name any.

I could however name people she’s been romantically linked to. Right now she’s with the emo guy from Thor. Before that she was with the producer dude who I always assumed was Black because he has a Black-sounding name. (And apparently that’s not even his real name! And apparently he chose that name specifically because its Black sounding!) And there’s also the werewolf guy from Twilight. And then there’s…eh, nevermind. You don’t really care about all of this. And neither do I. She’s rich and famous so she dates rich and famous men. Whatever.

Thank you for cutting that paragraph short. I was thisclose to dozing off. So anyway, why is she in the news today?

Earlier this year, Kanye West released an album that everyone cared about for like five weeks. But now, five months later, the only song on it that still matters is a song (“Panda”) that wasn’t even his song. This is an awkward time on Yeezus Island.

Anyway, on that album was a song (“Famous”) that began with the following lines:

For all my Southside niggas that know me best
I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why? I made that bitch famous

Taylor, of course, is Taylor Swift. The “made that bitch famous” part is a reference to Kanye’s infamous interruption of Swift’s Best Female Video acceptance speech at the 2009 VMAs.

Why would Kanye even put that on his album? I thought he wanted everyone to like him?

Every once in a while, my seven-month-old daughter will spit in my face when I’m holding her. And then she’ll laugh, baring both of her tiny-ass teeth like it’s the funniest thing ever. I was perplexed about it at first. (“Why does it always hit me in my right eye?” “Is there a pattern for this? Does she only do it Wednesday? Or after she’s eaten avocado? Is this her way of expressing her distaste for avocado?“) Until I just decided not to be perplexed anymore because she’s seven months old and there’s literally no “reason” that would make any sense.

This is how I feel about attempting to determine Kanye’s motives for doing things.

I see. So, how did Taylor take it?

Naturally, Taylor Swift took it TaylorSwiftly. Never one to pass up an opportunity to make herself a martyr, Swift alluded to Kanye and “Famous” during her Album of the Year acceptance speech at this year’s Grammys.

“As the first woman to win album of the year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there: There are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame”

No one is better at this type of specifically White female performative faux melodrama — where status is cultivated and maintained through a state of perpetual exaggerated victimhood (which everyone laps up because “sad White woman” = “Let’s find our fucking capes and save her!”) — than she is.

You know that co-worker (let’s call her “Susan”) who somehow managed to use her offense at a minor breach in email etiquette (someone forgot to put an exclamation point on a sentence, which made Susan “interpret” it as a “threat”) as fuel for a raise and a promotion? 

Taylor Swift is Darth Susan.

Kanye, however, would later tweet that he actually reached out to Taylor about the lyric before incorporating it in his song. And that she thought it was funny and was cool with it.

Which suggests the following:

1.  They’re friends. Or, rather, friendly enough to have this conversation.

2. The entire Grammy speech was an act.

3. She’s more than willing to throw a friend under the bus for the opportunity to performative martyr.

Of course, Taylor vehemently denied that this conversation ever happened. And, of course, most of the country seemed to believe Taylor. Because Kanye is the scary Black dude. And Taylor, again, is Darth Susan.

So what happened next?

One advantage I presume of being romantically involved with a Kardashian is that everything seems to be recorded. Conversations, weddings, grocery shopping, sex, shits — everything. Which means you’ll never have to go without receipts. “Kardashian” is actually Swahili for “White woman with receipts.” And since Kim has all the receipts, she released footage of Taylor Swift doing exactly what Kanye said she did. Agreeing to the lyrics and expressing her appreciation that Kanye reached out first before publishing them.

So she was caught in a boldfaced lie, huh? How did she respond?

With a statement — a statement that suspiciously seems prewritten — where she expressed that she never said she didn’t talk to him (a lie) and never agreed to Kanye’s use of “bitch.”

Do you believe her?

No. She needs more people. Like, imagine the longest TSA line you’ve ever seen. She needs all of those people. Plus each of those people’s peoples.

In fact, not only do I not believe her, I believe she’s exposed herself as one of the most dangerous types of White woman.

Dangerous? How?

The stakes here are relatively low. Perhaps there might be some legal involvement because of California privacy laws, but ultimately this involves three unfathomably rich and famous and annoying people who will continue to be unfathomably rich and famous and annoying. But what Taylor did is a form of what Darth Susans have been doing since America’s inception. Using the inherent empathy and benefit of the doubt her White womanhood allows her to possess — plus the reflexive need to protect and preserve the sanctity of said White womanhood at all costs — to throw a Black person under the bus if necessary and convenient.

In 2016, Darth Susans get people fired. In 1916, Darth Susans got people lynched.

What happens next?

She’ll produce an album about this, win a bunch of awards, and have her Grammy acceptance speech interrupted by North West throwing a sippy cup at her. A sippy cup filled with…Lemonade! Because poetic justice.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • LMNOP

    Most dangerous though? Taylor Swift seems kind of mid-range dangerous to me. She doesn’t quite have the power of say, Hillary Clinton, or the craziness of that lady who called her kids to a family meeting and shot them.

    • mssporadic

      No one is alleging she is actually dangerous, it’s entertainment clout v. political clout. Taylor has way more clout in the entertainment industry especially among 2520s than KimK. KimK is infamous and her family is famous by association. Taylor is the entertainment industry’s American Sweetheart now that Reese, Gwyneth, and Julia are too old.

  • All imma say is

    “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be apart of, since 2009.

    #WatchOutLilBih

  • HouseOfBonnets

    1. Shout out to kid fury for calling Taylor on her bs…. Tbh this was a long time coming. Glad to see that we’re finally being heard after calling out Swifts problematic cracks in her feminist icon facade for years.

    2. Seeing white media cape for thier broken feminism icon this morning was hilarious. Also hilarious Selena gomez and chole being dragged because they tripped over thier twitter fingers trying to save thier friend and twitter brought multiple receipts.

    3. Although I don’t care about Kimye either you gotta give the girl her props…. I bet if we put her on some of these police brutality cases she just might get results.

    4. My tea cup hasn’t been this full since February and I am living. It was a needed Kiki for the petty brigade.

    • Ari

      I thought about KF and Crissle when I saw that Kim had posted the vids.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        He had me hollering on twitter last night.

    • RaeNBow

      re: caping – Piers Morgan was so hurt that he was fooled by taylor LOL his fake-outrage response was mid-key the best thing to come from this

      he went so hard for her. “shes a model for all women” etc… only to be proven a liar LMBO

  • Freebird

    The best part of that song is the way he reworked the Sister Nancy classic. Well done. Otherwise this dude is a lame human being. He didn’t have to user her name in the song but….woman envy.

    • Proverbs31WIFE!

      Yo!!! Watchuknow bout Sister Nancy! What a bam bam.

      • Freebird

        Giiiiirl!
        *Does The Butterfly*

  • Julian Green

    I don’t care. All these people annoy me. More importantly; Schoolboy Q just dropped a new album!

    • Proverbs31WIFE!

      I like Taylor. Kanye and his wife annoy me.

    • QueenRaven23

      Yes! I’ve been listening to it while working out. Do you like it?

      • Julian Green

        I think it’s his best album yet. Both Oxymoron and Habits & Contradictions were kinda hit-or-miss for me but the only song I don’t like on the new album is the one with Tha Dogg Pound(and the portions of “THat Part” where Kanye is turning into an increasingly unfunny parody of himself.)

    • MysteryMeat

      Blank face blank face blank face

      Album is dope af

    • Val

      Schoolboy Q, Rapsody…scratches head… I’m so out of the rap loop.

  • Proverbs31WIFE!

    I literally laughed out loud at Kardashian being Swahili for “white women with receipts”.

    Please refrain from cheapening such a rich language.

    This story is so childish. God.

  • Brass Tacks

    One. Black women have been referred to in all manners of the “B”word in raps since at least the early 90’s. Taylor gets called one and its suddenly the most disrespectful thing ever? . Nah.

    Two. She denied ever having ANY conversation with Kanye about the song. Period! She got exposed and now wants to fall back on saying she was victimized knowing that plenty of people are going to cape for her. The same people who have no problem turning up to any other hip hop song calling/ describing indiscriminate black women as “B’s and Ho es”.

    Third. Taylor Kanye made you that much more relevant after the VMAs. The braggadocios Black Man gave you the sympathy vote. and you ran with it. Aww poor manufactured snowbunny talent got her carrot ate by an actual musical genius. Poor you, Taylor. Shame that you got exposed for the liar you are.

    Don’t worry. It’ll all blow over quicker than your latest relationship.

    • DBoySlim

      I don’t understand how any dude could date her. You’d be a song waiting to happen.

      • Epsilonicus

        At this point you should know better than to mess with her

      • Ari

        Like Drake.

        • DBoySlim

          Like a coin with two heads.

        • Proverbs31WIFE!

          Urrrrgh. I don’t c what he has to offer.

        • AshAlly08

          Hypothetical… what happens if Taylor and Drake dated?! Our world implodes right?!

          • Proverbs31WIFE!

            I honestly could give a Phakk who Drake is dating. He could date a stone or pebble for all I care.

          • brothaskeeper

            Then Trump becomes President.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Career boost.

      • AshAlly08

        At this point dating Taylor has to be career suicide, right? I mean, Loki, was supposedly going to be James Bond. He’s dating Taylor and now I’m not hearing anything else about Bond.

        • LKNMRE

          Mhm. Her people and she manages to smear EVERY single dude who even looks at her too long. I’d feel sorry for Loki if I wasn’t so grossed out by the pairing.

          • venus337

            Her meat is still loose from the last guy…he wasn’t scared it’d be too loose for him?…

            • Junegirl627

              I’m dead ??????????

          • GoldiKo

            I’m surprised that every male celebrity hasn’t been sat down and given the “talk” by their people about Taylor Swift.

            • Jeanology

              LOL

        • singletear

          Adam Wiles seems to be doing okay for himself, everyone else got banished though.

        • Princesssookeh

          I don’t know what the fuck Tom was thinking. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!

      • Make her sign a NDA first ?

      • Brass Tacks

        I think its because to many, Taylor represents the “Ideal American Woman.”

        Just an “updated” version of 90’s P. Anderson a’la present day Kate Upton.

        Its not so much who she is as a person. moreso what she can do for career and image.

      • Mochasister

        That’s how I know her. The chick that whines about ex-boyfriends in songs instead of having an all night ice cream fest with friends.

      • Nik White

        They say that any publicity is good publicity so if dude’s career isn’t happening like he thought it would…

    • Courtney Wheeler

      “Don’t worry. It’ll all blow over quicker than your latest relationship.”

      “Ethered”

      • Brass Tacks

        She started it.

    • Tank Head

      I voted this up, but I needed to clarify that I, for one, do not consider Kanye a musical genius or a genius of any sort. Just thought I’d clarify so that people wouldn’t associate Tank Head with Kanye fans. Ok, enjoy your day.

      • MsKey

        Agreed…

      • Brass Tacks

        Facts I never feel the need to debate:

        -The Earth being round.
        -Gravity being a natural phenomenon.
        -Kanye’s Greatness.

        • Epsilonicus

          “-Kanye’s Greatness.”

          http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/bonod.gif

        • ChokeOnThisTea
          • Cameron Thompkins

            I logged in JUST to upvote this

            • ChokeOnThisTea

              Welcome. Lol

            • lizzie

              As did I.

            • Joseph Duran

              Logged in to upvote!!

          • Mochasister

            Lol!

          • lulubella

            Pooh knows.

            • ChokeOnThisTea

              Mmhmm!!! Lol!!!

        • Kellie Merie

          *dead*

        • Blueberry01

          Kanye’s Greatness up until MBDTF. After that album, he went cuckoo…

          • Mochasister

            He hasn’t been the same since his mother died. She kept him anchored.

            • Blueberry01

              Please.Say.This.Again.

              So, true!!!! Everything went downhill after that.

            • Okitech623

              Yeah he went from saying Jesus Walks to I AM A GOD! Somethin’ done changed with that one I think.

              • Mochasister

                Poor Kanye.

    • Nicole

      Taylor was getting dragged on twitter last week for bothering her ex Calvin Harris. Lol, this is not her year at all.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        2016 has been a year of give and take

      • Mochasister

        Good. I’m tired of hearing about her breakups and her stupid songs about said breakups. She always likes to come off as a victim.

    • Junegirl627

      You know Kim called her out on that to Kim said what are you talking about Kanye called me a B in his albums and plus she mentioned the fact that it is a common thing that most rappers put in their music so she said I don’t understand why Taylor will be offended by that

      • Mochasister

        Not that I approve of men calling women out of their names (I don’t.) but Kim has a point.

    • Blueberry01

      #WhiteWomenLogic

  • QueenRaven23

    My first time listening to song was this weekend. One of the Tampa Bay rays players come out to bat on the song. The beat(s) and mixing overall is cool.

    And I know a few TS songs. Bad Blood and Trouble. I think something else too. She just seems very annoying. And her new relationship perplexes me. Has she ever been single?

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Of course not…how would she make an album.

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      Oh? Taylor sings that Bad Blood song? I like it.

  • DBoySlim

    I knew she was one of, if not the Beckiest women to exist. I didn’t believe her for one moment. She’s the woman from Rosewood.

    • Damn man! That’s ice cold!

    • Ari

      Bingo.

    • Val

      Taylor is also the woman who Oprah’s character worked for in The Color Purple, Miss Millie.

      http://www.afrostateofmind.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Mrs-Millie.jpg

      • miss t-lee

        You win, Val.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        Wow…it’s so true..it’s not even funny…

      • Tank Head

        “I’ve always gone out of my way for you people!”

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        I can never resist Color Purple shade! It works in all aspects of life!

      • OMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSS YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!!!

      • Nailed it.

      • Nik White

        That’s Taylor Swift’s great, great, grandmother!

      • Mochasister

        Oh, damn that’s cold! That lady was a wretch! Is Tay-Tay really that bad?

        • Val

          Yep.

    • PinkRose

      And her grandmother lied about Emmitt Till.

      • Mochasister

        Last I heard that woman was still alive. I haven’t checked in over a year though.

    • naughtycorner

      And the one who instigated the Tulsa riots

    • Blueberry01

      Or the person who called the cops on Tamir Rice and Alton Sterling…

  • Thank you for writing this Damon! I’ve been waiting on this article. Just refreshing this page like a mad woman!! She is Darth Susan and her takedown is DELICIOUS.

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