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Who is Ryan Lochte?
Ryan Lochte is a reanimated collection of discarded beer pong red cups repurposed and stuffed into a Von Dutch trucker hat. He can also swim really, really fast.
Where is he from?
Rochester, NY. Which is a poor man’s Buffalo. Which is a poor man’s Cleveland. Which is a poor man’s Pittsburgh. Which is a poor man’s Pittsburgh from 1936.
Why is he in the news today?
While competing in the Olympics in Rio, Lochte and three of his teammates — Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger, and Jimmy Feigen — were held…
Wait. Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger, and Jimmy Feigen are their real actual names and not just the names they gave to the police? Asking because I refuse to believe a person named “Gunnar Bentz” exists. Its not quite a porn star name. But its the name of a shady accountant a porn star would play in a movie. And the name of the movie would be CPA: Certified Public Anal.
Yes. These are their real names. Can I finish my answer now?
Anyway, last week Lochte and his three buddies claimed they were robbed at gunpoint while hanging out in Rio. Their story, however, never quite seemed to add up. And after like 22 minutes of investigating — seriously, the investigation was basically just everyone saying “Nah, this shit aint happen bruh” — it was discovered that they were indeed lying.
After a night of clubbing and drinking, Lochte and his crew of swimbros stopped at a gas station to go to the bathroom, and subsequently proceeded to destroy it.
Because that’s what bros do when they get drunk. Crush and destroy shit. Beer cans, dormitory common areas, spleens, condoms, Venetian blinds, gallons of Muscle Milk, and gas station bathroom handles in Rio. For anyone who’s ever spent an extended amount of time around chocolate wasted bros — basically, anyone who went to a college that wasn’t an HBCU — you know this is standard weekend bro behavior. I haven’t heard any audio from the footage. But I’m certain many “duddddddddddddddddes” and “brooooooooooooooooooooos” were uttered during the crime.
Seriously, read this:
Riera, the attorney who represented Bentz and Conger, said the four swimmers arrived at the gas station seeking to use a restroom, but upon finding there wasn’t one available, two of the men urinated at the back of the station and Lochte punched an advertisement in a metal frame, which fell noisily to the ground and attracted the attention of staff.
This nigga punched an advertisement. This paragraph is Peak Bro.
What happened next?
Well, the swimbros stuck to their story and attempted to come back to America. But the Brazilian police weren’t having it, and snatched them off the plane for more questioning. I would have given the tip of my left pinkie to witness that.
Lochte was snatched of his plane too?
No. Apparently there’s some underground railroad for superstar swimbros, and he managed to make it back home unsnatched. He still may face charges and fines though.
So, was any of this — the story and what actually happened — surprising to you?
Not at all. Ryan Lochte’s bro bonafides have been established for years. We’ve all known he was dumber than a luggage wheel and prone to bouts of brotastic behavior, but he was considered to be harmless because he’s famous and talented and attractive and rocks grills and even dated Fuckboy Magnet K. Michelle. Oh, and he’s White.
Basically, he’s every character Channing Tatum has ever played. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Tatum’s version of method acting to prepare for roles is “go to Express and Arby’s with Ryan Lochte.”
But the harmlessness turned lecherous when he and his partners blamed some phantom Brazilian criminals for what they did. Which is what often happens with the worst types of bros. When things are great, he (let’s call him “Brad”) is buying you beers and shots, inviting you to house parties and cookouts and flag football teams, and calling you his “homie” or his “brother.” But as soon as some heat brushes his neck, you and everyone else within Brad’s vicinity is in play to end up under a bus. (Especially if you’re not one of his White Boy Bros.) Because if there’s one thing bros don’t do, it’s consequences.
Ryan Lochte is Darth Brad.
Making things worse is that while they may act dense, they’re shrewd enough to know exactly how they’re perceived. They know their reckless behavior will be dismissed as boys being boys — even if they’re in their fucking 30s — and they know they can lie and charm and privilege their way into receiving the benefit of the doubt. They made up that story because there’s no reason for them not to believe that anyone would doubt their word; ultimately betting that Rio’s already shaky reputation would allow their story to go unchallenged.
99% of the time, they would have been right. But the entire world is watching, and not everyone is as enamored with and blinded by Broticity as Americans are.
So, what happens next?
If history is any indication, literally nothing bad will happen to Ryan Lochte. And since he’s done with the Olympics, he’s free to go and make Darth babies with Taylor Swift.