How Mad Should I Be When White People Greet And Talk To My Dog When I’m Walking Him Instead Of Me? » VSB

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How Mad Should I Be When White People Greet And Talk To My Dog When I’m Walking Him Instead Of Me?

Mickey, the 13-year-old Pit Bull/Labrador mix that lives with us and totally, absolutely, definitely never helped me solicit prostitutes, has had a difficult time adjusting to the presence of the Feminist Octopus. His behavior hasn’t changed much; he’s still the laconic, (usually) well-behaved, and personable dog who I still kinda think is a dude in a dog uniform. But the attention we lavish on our daughter means there’s just much less of it for him. Even something as simple as petting him becomes a process now because we can’t (and won’t) pet him and then pick up or feed or play with the Octopus without washing our hands inbetween; which means that sometimes, if given the choice between petting him and then making the 15 foot walk to the kitchen sink or just not petting him and staying my ass on the couch, the couch wins.

As a result, when I walk him and he happens to encounter another human being — which is frequent because I live on the same block as a popular bar, a park, and a YMCA — he occasionally acts like a hostage just released from a chained-in basement prison. He wags his tail, he humps legs, he shakes his nose, he pirouettes, he scratches his ass; shit I think this nigga would crochet a blanket if I gave him some yarn. And since my neighborhood is (mostly) White, and the only thing these White people seem to love more than dogs are craft beers and catching typos, his enthusiasm is usually matched and occasionally surpassed. (One of my neighbors consistently greets him by getting on her knees and giving him a massage. And once last week it got so intimate that they both needed cigarettes afterwards.)

This is mostly amusing, except for one thing that, while it doesn’t happen all the time, happens enough that it’s officially a thing now. I’ll be walking Mickey, and I’ll encounter a person (and sometimes even a group of people) who’ll greet, pet, talk to, and French kiss him, and then will walk away without once even acknowledging me. No “Hey!”, no head nod, no smile, no eye contact — nothing. Like the dog is being walked by an invisible man.

Of course, since I’m totally, definitely, absolutely one of those people who makes every single thing that has ever happened and will ever happened about race — I have no qualms about blaming everything from weather patterns and weight gain to misplaced phone chargers and JaVale McGee’s rat tail on racism — my natural first reaction is to assume that this happens because those White people value dog lives more than Black ones. And the natural reaction to that reaction is some combination of fury, righteousness, pity, incredulousness, and disappointment — basically the Tyrone Brandyburg face. The audacity of these motherfuckers to disrespect me! And I’m urged to say something. Maybe a sarcastic “Good evening to you too.” Perhaps even “you’s a, you’s a, you’s a— Bitch, your hormones prolly switch inside your DNA! Problem is, all that sucker shit inside your DNA! Daddy prolly snitched, heritage inside your DNA!

But, something else always happens instead. Nothing. I actually hate talking to people when I haven’t deemed conversation at that time to be pertinent or necessary. Which basically constitutes 95% of small talk, and 95,000% of the conversations that occur when I happen to be walking my dog. Although I feel like I should be upset at this affront, I’m actually happy that they’re so consumed by my dog that I don’t have to speak. (Basically, if you see me and you want to act all brand new and not speak to me, great! I beg you, please continue acting brand new!)

As you can see, this creates quite a pickle. The disrespect is obvious and I should be annoyed by it. But I enjoy not talking to random people so much that I wish this disrespect happened more often, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t let these White people slide. But I actually really want to. Please help!

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • kingpinenut

    Look yo….warn a ninja….this photo was too much

    • Kylroy

      Man, do not challenge the VSB writers on disturbing article photos. It will not end well.

      • kingpinenut

        #Possumpu$$ay

        • KMN

          Look this mess right here lmao…but this lil hashtag of yours reminds me of my post on IG I made today about how you don’t know how nasty you are until autocorrect reminds you lmao

          • kingpinenut

            lmbaoooo

        • Ess Tee

          Just when I thought I’d forgotten…

          • Mr. Mooggyy

            I think folks will forever be scarred by that pic!

          • kingpinenut

            imma have to turn off images on vsb if this continues….

            some shid can not be unseent

    • NoRaincanStop

      Why are you surprised? PETA exists for a reason. I am sure if allowed they will marry animals, scratch that I am sure bestiality is still a thing on many state’s law books.

      • kingpinenut

        yo

        smgdh

        • NoRaincanStop

          Hey you. Where is the lie? I wonder how many members of PETA are melanated?

          • kingpinenut

            No lies detected and zero is sunkissed

          • Brother Mouzone

            They saw Michael Vick as a bigger monster, undeserving of forgiveness, than Dylan Roof, Timothy McVeigh, James Holmes, Adam Lanza, and all the other white killers of PEOPLE.

            • TekYoTimeOnDe

              It is always amazing that they always manage to infantalise these persons, making them incapable of a rational thought and the ability to make a conscious decision , while making even the youngest non white baby a full hulking beast .

              • La Bandita

                King Kong don’t have nothing on a black baby – according to them.

  • Look, I don’t have a dog (at this time) but if/when I do get one, I’d be perfectly happy letting folks talk to the dog if it means I don’t have to do it. Be grateful that they don’t want to talk; nothing more awkward to me than random small talk. So let your dog do the social heavy lifting for you.

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  • miss t-lee

    Oh that’s classy. Real classy.

    I’d probably just have a whole conversation with their dog, because I’m sh*tty sweet like that.

  • Mike Upchurch

    I do this to both Black and White dog owners. I just like dogs better.

  • miss t-lee

    We can all agree that french kissing your dog is PEAK.

    • NoRaincanStop

      Peak nasty? I do not think dogs brush their teeth or floss. I am positive dogs lick their own butts.

      • KMN

        I was JUST thinkin about the butt licking…like how Sway?!!

        • miss t-lee

          Them muggs lick their balls, and you wanna let them lick on your face?
          Oh no suh.

          • KMN

            Or dead in yourdamn mouf?!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Nicca no…

            • miss t-lee

              Exactly. That’s f*cking gross.

              • KMN

                Yes ma’am….deadass gross nasty bastids

            • Gifcollector

              My friends dogs tosses his own salad. He licks so long it becomes uncomfortable and we all just kind of back away, leave the area. But when the kids come in and run to him and start kissing and licking him back my friend just laughs like she doesn’t see the connection and how that’s just wrong

          • 44isnojoke

            I have 2 dogs and ONE time one of em licked my face…*dead* I was on the phone with my sister and I told her to ‘get ya black dress ready!’ Cuz I truly believe I died.

            • miss t-lee

              OH man!!!!
              My last dog knew not to play them games. I wouldn’t even let her jump on me like that…lol

          • SororSalsa

            Those balls aren’t just going to lick themselves…dogs are just real self-sufficient. Don’t hate on them for that.

            • miss t-lee

              No hate in that aspect…lol

          • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

            No just lick. They get jowls deep in there. No suh…I can’t.

            • miss t-lee

              Oh I’m aware…lol I’ve owned dogs in the past…lol

      • miss t-lee

        That, also.
        But, I meant PEAK white people.

        • SororSalsa

          I thought that was implied.

          • miss t-lee

            Valid.

      • Diego Duarte

        My sister likes to do this and every time all I can think off is how I’m always berating the animals for getting into the garbage bin.

      • KeyBrad

        I love dogs. But don’t lick me ANYWHERE!

        • miss t-lee

          We’re >here<

      • Charlito Brown

        Devil’s advocate: Some of y’all probably, to put it euphemistically, munchnslob, then go and kiss your kids and your mama. How nasty could French kissing a dog be? Lol

        We make fun of white people for kissing their dogs in the mouth, but they still live longer than us on average. How unhealthy could it be?

        Nah for real though, French kissing your? dog is trifling.

        • NoRaincanStop

          Most person bathe and brush their teeth after certain activities for starters.

          • Charlito Brown

            Sure ya right lol. Just made the point funny in my head.

        • La Bandita

          Not anymore. The oxy meth epidemic, cancer, pill addiction, obesity, suicide and competing with non wytes for jobs – they are no longer living longer then anyone.

      • Brother Mouzone

        Their own and other dogs.

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      I second this motion!

    • Junegirl627
    • Glo

      When I was in high school, a white friend came to visit and immediately started french kissing my german shepherd. My brother was all “You know he eats his own sh*t, right?” And it stopped her that day, but it didn’t stop her forever.

      • KeciB

        A former neighbor of mine kissed her dog on the mouth..she was black.

        • Glo

          Ewwwww.

      • miss t-lee

        I’m hollering.

      • SororSalsa

        I will pet, rub, snuggle with and hug dogs. But the intimacy stops there. We are NOT a couple.

        • LifeDelishUs

          Word.

      • Robert Dotson

        “Didn’t stop her forever”…Like a supervillan or somethin……D E A D

    • Wowza23
      • “M”

        BRB dying of laughter

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      Son..you can’t get no PEAKER…

      • miss t-lee

        Indeed.

    • LifeDelishUs

      I almost didn’t read the article ‘cuse of that nasty pic. 2520s and kissing the dog…the fuqqq?

      • miss t-lee

        bwhahah. We’re all scared from that photo.

  • Wizznilliam

    Man…. Just let white people be white. We don’t have to get it.

    • NoRaincanStop

      So what if you are confused about what/who you are?

      • Wizznilliam

        As long as they are not being racist and/or killing black people I wouldn’t worry about the ones who like to kiss dogs.

        • Kylroy

          Pick your battles, man.

  • cyanic

    Standard practice in LA. YT prioritizes animals over black people or nonwhite folk because you know their oblivious bubble of privilege makes them like that.

  • AKA The Sauce

    I mean…I do it to them. I just like dogs better than people. Don’t take it personal.

    • cyanic

      I acknowledge nonwhite pet owners first before interacting with their seemingly friendly land beast. For YT I extend the favor they do us and ignore them for their pet if I feel the creature is safe and approachable.

  • Diego Duarte

    Well to be fair people suck and dogs are very friendly. If a dog stops by and smells me, I’m gonna stop to pet it, give the owner a nod and then move on.

    • AKA The Sauce

      Sometimes not even a nod lol

    • NoRaincanStop

      A strange dog walks towards me and I immediately think I am about to be eaten alive.

      • Kylroy

        Like, any dog? Even pugs and chihuahuas?

        • NoRaincanStop

          Any dogs, I do not care if it is the size of an amoeba.

        • Diego Duarte

          Chihuahuas are fucking vicious man. I swear if those fuckers were as big as rotts and pitbulls they’d be the meanest fucking thing on Earth. I’d love to punt one of them accross the street that keeps on barking at me and retreating.

          • miss t-lee

            I hate chihuahuas. My step-niece has one. Evil muhfuhs.

            • Brother Mouzone

              Chihuahuas have an inferiority/Napoleon complex. They’re mad that they’re not Dobermans.

              • miss t-lee

                This!

          • Kylroy

            Small yippy dogs are just awful. Upstairs neighbor got one, and now we’re looking at rebuilding our ceiling for soundproofing. Grr.

            • Mr. Mooggyy

              My pops calls em rat dogs!

              • Rastaman

                My lady call them B’ich dogs becuz they fit in a hand bag.

            • Diego Duarte

              Small dogs are Satan. My brother left me his yorkshire terriers a while back, while he spread insecticide in his house. One is old and decrepit and the younger one is his daughter. Fuckers were barking almost all night long.

              The younger was in heat and the old timer was getting angry because she wouldn’t let him on. Kept on barking at her and trying to bite me from trying to separate them.

              Promptly nicknamed the two turds Trump and Ivanka. Not even sorry.

              • Kylroy

                OK, unless he’s a dog breeder your brother has no reason to have unfixed dogs. Giving them to you while one was *in heat* is goddamn unforgivable.

                • Diego Duarte

                  Nope. Just nonchalant as fuck about a great deal of things. Brought this sh*t up to him and he laughed.

                  • Kylroy

                    Plant some speakers playing dogs barking on a loop in his living room some night, see how he reacts.

          • Michelle

            My aunt has two Chihuahuas, one of them managed to bite her husband’s pinky so severely that he had the tip amputated.
            Yet, she loves to complain about her neighbor’s pitbull, because it’s “dangerous”.

            • Diego Duarte

              Amputated? I’d flat out choke the life out of it!

      • Diego Duarte

        Over the years I’ve learned that the whole “dogs can smell fear” isn’t completely untrue, however they do detect your uneasiness. If you try to move past them whilst maintaining eye contact they’ll perceive you’re scared of them. Either avoid eye contact and get past, or pet them when they approach you.

        • Rastaman

          Or give them the “a wish a ninja would” look. I have found that effective too.

          • Diego Duarte

            And if they come after you, get into fighting position. That usually makes them think twice and retreat.

      • Val

        Lol @ all of your names.

        Hiya, Tam.

        • Quirlygirly

          She does come up with some inventive names..

          • NoRaincanStop

            Songs. Especially what I got streaming at the time

            • Quirlygirly

              Ahhh..that is what they are..you are a sly one..Tams..a sly one!

        • Simms~

          Song lyrics she says, so at least there’s always an idea of what she’s got streaming.

        • NoRaincanStop

          Hey girl *gins*

  • Kylroy

    I’ve known women who noticed strangers stopped hitting on them when they gained weight, and appreciated the reduction in everyday hassle. This sounds kinda similar.

    I think the sarcastic hello is a good response to this round of Negro Neurosis if you want to make a point. But if you don’t, I see no reason to complicate your evening.

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