“I guess it occurs whenever one person in a relationship does something with the opposite sex that their mate wouldn’t approve of. Basically, it’s cheating if you feel the need to hide what you’re doing and cover your tracks. If you know your dude is sleeping around and you rather he didn’t, but you don’t think infidelity is a big deal, that’s not cheating. Chlamydia? Yes. Cheating? No.”
“You’re obsessed with The Clap. You would have fit right in at Sterling Cooper”
“Huh?”
“Every time you have the opportunity to randomly name drop a venereal disease in conversation, you choose chlamydia. Syphilis gets no love from you. What did syphilis do to deserve this treatment? Did syphilis forget to send you a Christmas card last year?”
“Actually, gonorrhea is ‘The Clap’. Chlamydia is just, well, chlamydia.”
“You sure? That doesn’t make any euphemistic sense. Plus, alliteration makes STD’s much more fun.”
“Stop asking questions, and stop trying to use big words to deflect from the fact that your stupid ass didn’t know gonorrhea was “The Clap”. Anyway, you never said if you agree with my definition of cheating. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“No. It makes even less sense than The Clap. If you compiled all the sh*t I do with the opposite sex that I hide from my girlfriend because I know she wouldn’t approve, it would be enough to fit in…a…big ass box that stores shit you hide from girlfriends. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the five minutes I spent today googling names of women I met in Caribana in 2002 just to see if they were still alive. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the face I made last week when the surprisingly thick chick with the Jewish fro at Sephora bent over to reach a bottle of Escada Sentiment for me. She definitely wouldn’t approve of half the daily conversations I have with women, including this one. Seriously, the only way “my girlfriend finding out about this conversation” wouldn’t equal “an argument that could only be settled with five consecutive days of shower cunnilingus” is if I told her you were a lesbian. And, even then it probably wouldn’t matter. My point is that I try very hard not to reveal any of that stuff to her, but nothing I’ve done would be considered to even be in the same ballpark as cheating by any sane and rational person. I’m no saint, but I’m definitely not no Don Draper either. And, I know most women aren’t sane and rational, but for the sake of the discussion, lets pretend”
“You’re funny. Seriously, you’re almost half as funny as you already think you are. I guess this makes you Peter Campbell.”
“Thanks! See, I just think there’s a huge distinction between “Cheating” and “Inappropriate, but ultimately harmless behavior“. There’s no forgiving cheating. And, since infidelity is the only behavior I wouldn’t approve, it’s only cheating if it’s actual sex. It’s my only unconditional dealbreaker.”
“I thought being a Laker fan was an unconditional dealbreaker for you.”
“Well, that too. But, short of actual sex, I’d be willing to at least entertain an excuse for any other behavior. I mean, if I found out she drunkenly kissed a disabled sailor at a New Years Eve party, I probably wouldn’t consider that to be cheating. In fact, once I put her through a couple months of passive-aggressive hell, I’d applaud her for her altruism. It’s tough for vets these days, yanno?”
“So, if you found out your girl gave Shaq a naked lap dance, you’d be ok with it as long as he didn’t break the seal?”
“Hell no”
“Why not? That contradicts everything you just said. I mean, that’s short of sex, and since they didn’t have sex, in your book that’s not cheating, right?”
“True. But, Shaq used to play for the Lakers.”
—The Champ
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
*rimshot*
@ Rog–this created a mental image in my mind that’s both disturbing and hilarious!
As not only the president but a member of the perv committee….
Welcome.
Since it’s only kinky the first time, I have no idea what’s considered kinky anymore.
I guess cheating often times depends on the limits that the people involved in the relationship put up. You have some people who have open relationships where getting “physical” with someone else is cool as long as emotions aren’t involved and they know who they are coming home too. And then their are the ones that are the inspiration behind those blue shirts that have a Bride and a Groom with the a ball and chain on his ankle that says “Game Over” at the bottom.
And then their are the ones that are the inspiration behind those blue shirts that have a Bride and a Groom with the a ball and chain on his ankle that says “Game Over” at the bottom.
this is exactly why new couples need to discuss what exactly constitutes cheating. i mean, sh*t, what if you’re a guy with a chick who doesnt mind you sleeping around, but you never actually find out because you never thought to ask? bummer, right?
I’m THIRD!!!!!!!!!
Et tu, Liz??? lol
LOL I mean where is my CONGRATS and stuff??? red carpet, sumthin.
Uh third is second loser! lol
so that’s what Drake was talking about!
i…guess?
clap. clap. bravo.
I define cheating as any sexual or deeply emotional act or connection outside the confines of the agreed upon relationship. Emotional connections you may ask? Dude may not have chexually got busy with another woman, but is emotionally attached to answer late night calls and run to that persons aid. So, no chex, but evidence of a deeper emotional connect that is greatly disrespectful and in violation. Cheating is a deal breaker and so are violations. Violations are disrespectful acts leading up to cheating (ex. Taking and acceptiong a phone number, hiding it, using it in secret with the plan to cheat). Violations are foul ‘ish you wouldn’t want you partner to find out you did. So don’t do it. Noticing the opposite sex, having whatever inner thoughts, that’s human. I don’t mind human, normal behavior as long as it isn’t disrespectful.
Dude may not have chexually got busy with another woman, but is emotionally attached to answer late night calls and run to that persons aid.
An emotional connection with another woman is much worse than getting physical. It’s normal to be attracted to other people, but the attraction usually goes down but an emotional connection is much deeper and can last forever.
An emotional connection with another woman is much worse than getting physical. It’s normal to be attracted to other people, but the attraction usually goes down but an emotional connection is much deeper and can last forever.
i think this is just something men and women (generally) disagree on. I can imagine forgiving an emotional connection outside of a relationship, but there’s no way in hell i’m looking past a sexual one
You really wouldn’t have a problem if your woman was in love with another man and told him all the things she won’t tell you, let him in mentally and emotionally, as long as they didn’t consummate the relationship? I think I’d prefer a quickie where the hormones carried you away than a prolonged relationship where the only thing missing was sex…
Like champ said …we can forgive, but a sexual relationship makes us feel like she tainted goods….
I think it somehow correlates to why men don’t borrow each others shoes like women do….lol.
I think it somehow correlates to why men don’t borrow each others shoes like women do….lol.
great analogy
I’ll offer another analogy to go along with @BmoreCreative’s shoe example (a good one, btw): most men don’t drink behind one another under normal circumstances (even if they’re boys). If every man has access to a bottle of beer, there’s really no need to share cuz there’s enough for every one. So if another man comes along and takes a swig from my bottle, that beer is now his. No matter how much I may have enjoyed that brew, once he put his mouth on it, it became his…I no longer want it…case closed.
BUT, what if your dude gets all close to your beer bottle, rubs the sides, licks the condensation, blows the top so it makes a little whistle, lol, but does everything short of actually touching his lips to your beer? That’s cool with you? If you saw him getting all close to your beer, you wouldn’t start to get territorial at all? LOL.
I’m getting into this beer analogy a bit too much. And I honestly grossed myself out with the “licking the condensation” line. LOL.
“I’m getting into this beer analogy a bit too much.”
Um, yeah…I would agree…lol.
But to counter your somewhat erotic description of beer pilfering, I’ll offer this: most men really ain’t gonna be all “licking the condensation” off the bottle without attempting to take a swig…that generally happens when one puts their drink down long enough and/or isn’t around enough for someone else to notice (i.e., not appreciating or paying attention to your bee…um, SO). Having said that, I generally try to keep my beer somewhat close at hand…taking frequent gulps…y’know, appreciating my drink. If I know or see another man putting his tongue in my bottle (like how some folk put their tongue in the neck of the bottle when they drink…yeah), it’s safe to say that my drink is ruined for me.
Hope this make some sense…
You won’t share beer but you’ll gang bang a broad. Dudes are hilarious!
Agreed.
Although, I would consider kissing an act of infidelity. Not sure if it would be enough to end the marriage, but it would definitely be cheating.
“i think this is just something men and women (generally) disagree on. I can imagine forgiving an emotional connection outside of a relationship, but there’s no way in hell i’m looking past a sexual one”
I think there are some exceptions with that one.
The best way that I can describe ‘emotional cheating’ is being in a ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ relationship without any type of sexual contact. In other words, it is similar to the relationship-period-of time when you didn’t get into the panty-drawers yet.
@legitimate_soul: Agreed! physical cheatin’ but
emotional cheating is somethin’ else tho’ it’s an even deeper connection, It just ain’t right, I know someone who took back her fiance’ knowing he cheated on her, I believe in Forgiveness but not Stupidity, so is she wrong for giving him another chance or stay in the marriage and every argument bring up the cheatin’ episode!? idk how people take back Cheaters, that show was a trip tho’!, I know I’m not the only one that watched it..
@90sgagirl
“I believe in Forgiveness but not Stupidity, so is she wrong. . . .
I know this isn’t my question but allow me to say this. Marriage is not to be compared to a relationship, (if they were married but you said almost). So, it depends on circumstances to determine stupidity:
- brought back a disease
- not the first time cheated
- excessive use of gun
- has been dating other for same amount of time
- can’t decide if cheating ends
- baby on the way
<<>>
So, it depends on a lot, like what that person was to her before he cheated, sometimes the value of a relationship is not so easy to give up, especially fiance/husband material. I say, sweat it out, give ‘em hell, take him back after the obstacle course. Only if he’s worth it!! Then she has to know if she’s ready for the aftermath,
SO……
YES, she’s wrong for ever having future arguments about the matter. After she chose to forgive him, it’s her burden to bare and to never bring up again. She made a choice that she has to live with. If she forgave, then she is obligated to forget as well.
YES, she’s wrong for ever having future arguments about the matter. After she chose to forgive him, it’s her burden to bare and to never bring up again.
lol, yeah but realistically, how often does this happen?
lol, yeah but realistically, how often does this happen?
NEVER!!!
“She made a choice that she has to live with. If she forgave, then she is obligated to forget as well.”
Says who? She can bring it up. if he can’t take being reminded of his mistake there is always the door. He gave her the burden and can share in the giref as long as he can take it. Sure, she should move on. It’s not healthy to dwell if you forgive but this suffer in silence bull seems like just that BULL. The same goes for if a woman cheated.
@90sgagirl
Thank goodness for the invention of a DVR, because (before getting a DVR) finding the time for when “Cheaters” was broadcast was a pain in my cheeks.
@legitimate_soul
Misty!!!
Hah! I love that you recognized her!
She’s a great and underused character. Isn’t she Iron Fist’s baby mama?
^I think you’re right, sir. I gotta admit, I am late to the party on Misty Knight, but I’m working on it!
“I’m gonorrhea, and that’s a fact
If you can’t say that, then call me Clap
I wait in genitals, just like a trap
And burn up lovers, like bacon fat”
Don’t you watch Kneehigh Park? C’mon son!
Don’t you watch Kneehigh Park?
what the hell is that?
***post-goggle edit. ok, i remember that skit now. i dont know whether to be amazed or disgusted by the fact that you remember the lyrics***
I always thought “the clap” was syphilis…LmAO. Color me all sorts of confused.
lol, wow. i’m not surprised though. ever since AIDS has hit the market, the STD game has been split into two categories: “AIDS” and “every thing that’s not AIDS”. Basically, AIDS is exactly like the IPhone. (i guess genital herpes would be droid)
True, it’s definitely two categories of STD’s, the one that will definitely kill you and the other ones you can live with. As long as it’s not “them letters” everyone thinks it’s all good.
One of the many things people should talk about before they start a relationship. There is a fairly common definition of cheating – well, common examples – that we can pretty much agree on. However, there are probably a few things that certain people have particular sensitivities to.
Some may think all non-sexual activities are okay. Some think going to a strip club is cheating (although if you live in Atlanta or Miami, you might want to charge that one to the game). Some people think it’s cheating if you talk to someone else enough for it to infringe upon your time with them.
To answer the question, I would only consider sex cheating. Now, there are other things that I would react to in a similar manner…but those would be “things I consider disrespectful to the relationship” – a category which includes but is not limited to cheating. Kissing another guy falls into that category. PDAs fall into that category. Basically, the old “things you wouldn’t want to see me doing” phrase would fit my description of things that are disrespectful.
That doesn’t always work, though, because everyone is different. Going back to the beginning, I had one girlfriend who was 38 with me because I danced with a girl. No grinding, no touching, no talking, none of that. Two-step for four minutes and a walk away. I barely even looked the girl. Went through it for two weeks. Next girlfriend said she didn’t care who I danced with or how I danced unless it went further than dancing.
I don’t know how I’d feel to see a girl I were dating up on some dude, but I think I’d be much more understanding if I thought it to be an isolated incident with that guy (male strippers would fit in perfectly here) than some situation that could be ongoing.
hmm interesting “dancing” is in the eye of the beholder, bc some ish is dry humping/foreplay on the dancefloor, Grinding to Nohands up against the wall, hands on junk inside my trunk etc. and you’re not my Boo is an issue..dancing is very sensual even it doesn’t involve the horizontal mumbo..look at Dancin’ with The stars, they always messin’ with each other ( I realize hours being with some attractive person is a factor) but the body chemistry etc.
That 1st girl was DEF. not a Trini
LMAO @ ’38′. I say that. Where are you from?
I agree with this whole comment.
I think sex is cheating, but there are other things you can do that is disrespectful and can be just as hurtful. Love is respect.
I don’t really get why people get upset with dancing, though. I had an ex that was like that. I never really cared if my boyfriend dances with other girls, mostly because I’d rather not dance with him all night either.
@90gagirl: Some? Most guy/girl (and girl/girl, in the case of nontraditional couples or women really not wanting to be bothered with men) dancing is of the ‘close’ variety. Only exception might be if a stepping song is on.
@Yonnie: I’m from Fort Lauderdale (actually, Lauderdale Lakes), Florida.
@Carter: Like 90gagirl said, I think it’s the type of dancing. I’ve done a lot of dancing would make a girlfriend upset. That said, it’s cool that dancing doesn’t affect you like that.
“That doesn’t always work, though, because everyone is different. Going back to the beginning, I had one girlfriend who was 38 with me because I danced with a girl”
i knew a woman like this. if she saw her man dancing too “closely” with someone else, she’d literally step in between them and start dancing with him. the first time i saw her do it i thought it was a joke, the second time i thought she just was bisexual, and the third time i realized i should probably just break up with her
“the third time i realized i should probably just break up with her”
Bwhahahahaha! Well did you?
More proof that going to the club with your significant other is just plain stupid.
Agreed. What’s the point?
I consider cheating sex or intimate touching with a person that is not your mate.
I don’t believe in “emotional” cheating.. Though I do think close personal relationships
Outside of the relationship can and most often do lead to cheating
what’s intimate touching? that sounds gay
@Shay – so imagine Mr. Mister has a female co-worker with whom he has never had any inappropriate physical contact but he’s talking to her about all of his hopes and dreams and fears and frustrations with his life (including with you) and telling her stuff that he’s never told you. And he’s not including you on the nature of their conversations/relationship. It’s one thing if she’s was a childhood friend that he’s always had this kinda relationship with. This is something different. You don’t consider that cheating?
Women always use this example.
Y’all really have a “thing” about knowing all our hopes and dreams, don’t you? Sometimes men share things with another women because she’s easier to talk to, or a better listener. It’s not because we want her to be our wife or girlfriend.
But, since I’m now married, I do understand why chicks find this so irritating, so I’ve made a conscious decision to stop doing it. But, I don’t consider it cheating, just borderline inappropriate.
Cheating is any action that would make me feel fully justified in ending our marriage or relationship immediately. Inappropriate is everything else that pisses me off and is foul. Both are bothersome, only one is almost always fatal.
@ Big Man This—–>Cheating is any action that would make me feel fully justified in ending our marriage or relationship immediately. Inappropriate is everything else that pisses me off and is foul. Both are bothersome, only one is almost always fatal.
I totally agree with
Uh explain to me how there COULD be someone easier to talk to than your boo? I don’t get that.
Sure: how about when you need to talk ‘about’ your boo. There are a few things that people probably need to hear in relationships that SOs are better off leaving to, say, friends to tell.
Even without that, sometimes there are things that said boo just isn’t the type to hear, listen to, or understand. For instance, if you’re a grad student (especially in a doctoral program) and your boo hasn’t had or isn’t having that experience, they won’t be able to understand certain aspects of that process. Same is probably true of many professional endeavors.
Uh yeah NO! Granted you not gonna want to talk to your boo about ERRYTHANG but that’s what your boys are for… beyond dat anything you can talk to “her” about, you for D@MN sure can talk to me about (have we met?)… When you get to allowing other people (FEmales = opposite s3x ninjas) in your business sh!t gets hectic. I don’t want my man confiding in no CHIK but moi… even when (especially when) it’s about me!
Agreed, although I try not to talk about my wife to any other chicks in our age range.
But, sometimes other people hvae interests your wife doesn’t have, so you talk to them about that stuff and y’all develop a rapport. But, you have to understand not to throw that rapport in your wife’s face because, as we can see, many women are sensitive about that.
I got your “as we can see” sucka! (lol)
Say if your boo doesn’t have the expertise on a topic to have a high level conversation. Just because we’re married doesn’t mean we share all the same interests. Sometimes there will be other friends who have that interest and knowledge that makes for a more stimulating conversation, and so I discuss things with them that are personal and emotional because it’s easier to relate to them.
Doesn’t mean they would be a better mate, but they are better to talk to about certain stuff, so in that area we have a deeper connection.
Make sense?
I don’t know about that Big Man… I’m not married so maybe there is gonna be a topic or something he and I won’t relate on, but that’s only non-personally stuff I would think. I can’t fathom a relationship with someone I can’t discuss EVERYTHING that relates to our union with… it just seems odd to me… but that’s me (single me- married people be on some other stuff- lol).
You should be able to discuss pretty much everything with your wife or SO.
That doesn’t mean you will have the same level of convo with them that you could have with someone else who is more interested or knowledgable about a topic.
And you all will develop a level of familiarity and comfort that you and your boo do not share on that topic.
I don’t know why but something about that makes me uncomfortable when it’s a chik… can’t you give an example or something? I mean if it’s stuff that doesn’t relate to our relationship than that’s fine, but you’re saying you can relate on a deeper level with someone else about things that affect us… o_O?
@Yvonne
Also, don’t forget that Mr. Mister is also taking this woman out to different places (movies, restuarants, trips to the museum, club-hopping…in other words, things that he use to do with you), buying her gifts, talking to her (through phone, internet, etc) while totally ignoring you.
@yonnie
No I dont consider that cheating. now thats not saying that I want that to go on, or that i wouldnt be hurt by it but that to me isnt cheating but its a definite indication that something is wrong with what WE GOT going on and could/would/probably lead to cheating.
I have two female friends – whom for various reasons (like location and relationship status), we can actually be platonic friends – with whom I can have such conversations. Who will likely know me better than anyone I start dating will within the first 6 months. And from time to time, they are going to hear about things that I may not discuss with my SO at the time.
I think most would agree that the situation I described isn’t cheating. Replace platonic female friend with hot new chick at work. . .and this is a totally different scenario.
What if she isn’t a childhood friend, she’s an ex…who you have absolutely no physical contact with, but you share all these things with her because she knows your history…is that cheating?
Yes.
mmm, interesting…lol
I don’t believe in platonic friendships with exes.
Y”all can be cordial, but not friends.
Anybody you’ve slept with, whose tried to sleep with you or where effing was on the table within the past five years is off limits for friendship. If it’s been more than five years, it’s negotiable if y’all never actually did anything or took any steps towards a relationship.
How almost apropos.
BTW Champ, do you have safe search turned off in your google image search. I too searched for images matching “cheating”. . . your image was on page 3. . .
I too searched for images matching “cheating”
why in God’s name would you do this?
Well, I didn’t do it in God’s name. . .
but aside from that, I was interested in seeing just how far you go to find an image for your posts.
3 basic rules of thumb:
1) If you have to ask, then it’s probably cheating.
In other words, if it’s something you feel the need to bring to the tribunal of friends for a ruling or would never tell anyone due to the outrageous amount of guilt and shame associated with it, then yes. There’s some cheating’ happening.
2) If the thought of your SO doing the *exact same thing* induces rage, tears and/or vomiting.
You are a cheater and a hypocrite to boot. And your probably checking all your SO’s emails and texts now, too. Go you.
3) Your SO told you *exactly* what constitutes cheating to them way back when (even including helpful anecdotes and diagrams) and you were conscious and mentally capable at the time and nodded along in acknowledgment.
All amendments to initial infidelity definition agreements must be *mutually* agreed upon by both parties…and yes, this also includes the ever-so-popular “different area codes” clause.
@brownivyx
“If the thought of your SO doing the *exact same thing* induces rage, tears and/or vomiting. You are a cheater and a hypocrite to boot”
This pretty much sums it up for me.
1) If you have to ask, then it’s probably cheating.
i agree with everything you said except for this. sometimes you need to ask and sh*t
*searches memory banks and relationship vault*
Nope, I can’t think of one single time in my adult relationships where I came to a hypothetical fork in the road, a “gray area” if you will, that wasn’t potentially foul, where I wasn’t trying to justify talking myself into a bad place. If it’s not cheating, it’s certainly cheating-adjacent, and very few move into that neighborhood without plans of upgrading to the penthouse suite.
Huh…what??? I’m sorry I’m still stuck at “an argument that could only be settled with five consecutive days of shower cunnilingus”. Wowzers…Now I know why you’re called The Champ LOL!
what, you thought i didn’t take showers? i can be grimey sometimes, but that’s pushing it
i consider any sexually-charged act outside of the relationship to be cheating. and by sexually-charged act i mean kissing, stripping (as per the example in the post), groping, dry humping, oral sex, and anything else that might stimulate blood flow to erogenous zones.
i say “sexually-charged act” instead of just sex because as far as i’m concerned the aforementioned behaviors more often that not lead to sex or can be substituted for sex and thats just as damning as sex (esp since you can certainly spread STI/Ds through some of these acts). a person doesnt get credit for being faithful just because they chose not to copulate via penetration. when a person makes the decision to allow him/her-self to be turned on by or intentionally turn on some one else who is NOT their S.O. in a sexual matter is cheating.
for me, any physical intimacy shared outside of a committed relationship is infidelity and is inexcusable. total dealbreaker.
Just watching something can stimulate blood flow to the erogenous zones. . . or thinking something in your head. Just how tight is your cheating leash?
She already defined what she considers cheating, so why are you even asking about how tight the leash is. It’s not like YOU’RE EVER gonna get some from Miss Gem, (as much as we know you want to) so does it really matter? Only a hound would ask that question. Yep, I hear you woofin’ through my speakers.
lol you are so silly!
Yeah, I wasn’t worried about that. I’ve met Gem and I don’t think we are each other’s type. Can I ask her questions now?
*rolls eyes* come on lets us some common sense based on my entire comment. obviously im talking about an act that is done WITH another person that isnt the S.O… furthermore, simply watching something “stimulating” (i.e. pr0n) in and of itself isnt a sexual act.
Ok, so virtual or imaginary people don’t count, whether they are the SO or not.
What about watching a stripper? Or getting aroused watching girls dance at the club? Or on the train (if your SO is ever in Washington DC – the girls wouldn’t be dancing in the train of course. . . maybe)
when a person makes the decision to allow him/her-self to be turned on by or intentionally turn on some one else who is NOT their S.O. in a sexual matter is cheating.
that’s the thing, gemmie. i’m not sure if you can really control getting turned on by someone else. you can control whether you act on it (and how much time you choose to spend around that person), but you can’t just tell yourself “don’t be aroused by my co-worker” and not be aroused by that co-worker.
ok, clearly my wording wasn’t very clear because simply being “turned on” (without the elements of everything else in my comment) is not what i meant. obviously you cant help what turns you on sexually (i.e. examples @kamakula gave). im talking about making a CONSCIOUS decision to act on these turn ons or induce these turn ons–hence why i said “sexually charged ACT” (meaning it requires ACTion and intentional behavior) and used the examples of kissing, groping, etc to demonstrate it takes 2 people (at least lol) to engage in such activities.
basically, purposefully engaging in sexual/lustful activities with another person who is not your S.O. (whether its premeditated or not) is cheating.
stripping doesnt necessarily fall into this category but it could depending on the circumstances (like you and some one other than your S.O. having a private strip tease in your apartment, with the hopes that you’ll be able to bust somewhere on her body)
basically, purposefully engaging in sexual/lustful activities with another person who is not your S.O. (whether its premeditated or not) is cheating.
what if you flirt with a salesladies (knowing that she’ll get aroused) because you want a discount on some pencils or some sh*t? does this count?
lol *smh* i give up.
i’m not sure if you can really control getting turned on by someone else. you can control whether you act on it (and how much time you choose to spend around that person), but you can’t just tell yourself “don’t be aroused by my co-worker” and not be aroused by that co-worker. .
Totally agree.
HERE HERE @GEM!!! I totally agree.
lol thanks shay *high five*
The first time I heard the term “the clap” was in some old Denzel movie. I was like 10. My dad’s explanation was “you get it when you have sex, so don’t have sex.” Until reading this post, I thought the clap was the nickname for every std besides HIV. Man I feel dumb. Thanks Daddy.
Cheating can be both emotional and physical. I personally define it as “sharing anything special to your relationship with someone outside of that bond.”
LMAO @ yo daddy!
too funny!
I DIED at this comment! Dad’s be giving real short answers to kids without providing any context and that isht is dangerous. Goes back to the post (pretty sure it was on VSB) about “why women need so many details in stories” and men just get to the point. When I was young I asked my dad what was the KKK. He told me, “It is an organization of people that hate Black people and they come in the night and kill them. They wear masks so you don’t know who they are. It could be your neighbor. Or your teacher?” What the hayle kinda isht is THAT to say to a ten y/o!!?? I was traumatized for MONTHS!! Just wreckless.
When I was young I asked my dad what was the KKK. He told me, “It is an organization of people that hate Black people and they come in the night and kill them. They wear masks so you don’t know who they are. It could be your neighbor. Or your teacher?” What the hayle kinda isht is THAT to say to a ten y/o!!?? I was traumatized for MONTHS!! Just wreckless.
LOL. this made me laugh for like 5 minutes.
actually it was more like 20 seconds, but that’s still a long ass time to be laughing before brunch
“What the hayle kinda isht is THAT to say to a ten y/o!!?? I was traumatized for MONTHS!! Just wreckless.”
LOL…
Fathers can get a bit reckless when they are doling out advice to their children, especially to their daughters.
When I was eight years old (around the period of time when I was learning about the “birds & the bees”), my dear ole’ dad told me that if I show my vav-jay-jay to any boy, before I was married and an adult, that a monster was going to come into my room at night and take it…
Yup, that is what he told me.
Years later, I found out that my uncles were telling the same story to their own daughters.
@SimplyMeRenee
“I thought the clap was the nickname for every std besides HIV. Man I feel dumb. Thanks Daddy.”
TOO FUNNY!! Don’t feel bad. Every person in my family over 50 years old refers to all drug use as “Smokin Dope”!
“The first time I heard the term “the clap” was in some old Denzel movie”
A Soldier’s Story. Very good movie. Saw it again last week.
That’s it!! I need to watch it again.
A Soldier’s Story. Very good movie. Saw it again last week.
this movie really disturbed me for some reason. it’s right behind “crooklyn” and “my girl” on the list of “not scary movies that scared the hell out of me when i was a kid”
It stuck with me also. We have endured too much as a people.
I understand how you must have felt, just recently my son and I were watching George Lopez one night (damn you nyc public school for not opening until sep 8) anyway and his mom found out she had the “clap”, so after I finished laughing cause no one wants to know that their moms still get down like that, my son asks me what the “clap” was. so I told him excatly what it was, but for some damn reason my hating ass 21 y.o. sister was like why did I tell him that, so I just calmly told her he asked, it’s my job to make sure he knows, before someone else tells him lies.
Ugh…don’t remind me about kids returning to school.
I have to take the MTA transportation with those monsters.
In other news, I see that this is Champ’s 300th VSB post. On this occasion, I shall say a special prayer. Oh Humpty. May ur kind never be recalled again. Amen.
thanks, luvvie. may your kind never be made to go a week without rice again
That was sweet, Humpty. For you, anyway. (-__-)
i agree with the first blurb of the conversation.
usually people in relationships hide their interaction with the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s their thing) hide things for 2 reasons– 1) b/c they know their SO will be pissed & 2) b/c they know what they’re doing is wrong . . . when these 2 meet . . . you are cheating. it can be strictly sexual or strictly emotional or strictly ______ . . . if u think i’ll be mad and you feel wrong when you’re doing it, you’re cheating.
usually people in relationships hide their interaction with the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s their thing) hide things for 2 reasons– 1) b/c they know their SO will be pissed & 2) b/c they know what they’re doing is wrong . . . when these 2 meet
sorry, but i can’t agree with this
I’m with Champ on this. Someone could just have the SO who over-reacts to everything and/or is really possessive. That ‘wrong’ feeling could simply come from the fact that the SO operates under a different set of rules than most people (although this is another reason to talk stuff out at the beginning).
Cheating is so subjective but for me It’s all about how your SO interprets your behavior AND how you feel when doing it (which is why i said, “when these 2 meet”). Feelings of guilt plus a pissed SO . . . seems pretty obvious to me that you’re cheating or atleast making some relationship threatening decisions.
if he/she can’t see you doing it, & you wouldn’t want him/her doing it, its either cheating or the lead-up to cheating, so just DON’T! lol
so scratching my balls counts as cheating? i mean, i never let anyome see me do it, and i’d definitely be upset and disturbed if i found out my girlfriend was scratching her own balls
LMAO – I think ball scratching is allowed, lets hope your girl doesn’t itch down thurrr!
This requirement throws out half of some people’s p0rn collection. . .
I should have said “with another person” – porn is something couples should do together AND alone, me thinks
Ha, you watched the Emmys didn’t you? And why the hate for Kobe and none for LeBron, at least KB 24 stands on HIS own two.
@ Da Iceman,
Just like T.O. will have better numbers than Chad and be #1 on his team, LB will have better numbers than Wade and be #1 on the heat. You heard it here first.
What will the haters say then?
Speaking of T.O…
I know I am wrong for having this negative outlook, but what the h-ll…
Am I the only person who is excited (and is waiting) to see T.O.’s breakdown? To see the moment when T.O. just gives Cincinnati the finger and start talking sh*t about his teammates?
Ha, you watched the Emmys didn’t you? And why the hate for Kobe and none for LeBron, at least KB 24 stands on HIS own two.
i actually completely forgot they were even on. wouldn’t have mattered anyway, though. ever since they ignored the wire, i’ve been doing my own solo emmy’s boycott
and, i wasn’t aware of this new form of basketball where one player plays against the entire league by himself. when was this league created? and, since kobe disqualified himself with his videotaped tirade three years ago asking to be traded if he didn’t any help, who would play in such a league?
Haha touche. And yes The Wire we know, is the finest show ever put on television. I’d even petition for a season 6 right now with all that took place in B’more after ‘she’ became mayor…
Kobe is a snitching, habitual line-stepper, who cannot be trusted around police or white clothing. The Lakers acquired Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown, a pack of Oreo cookies, and a gift certificate to Buffalo Wild Wings.
did you mean “white women” or “white clothing”?
Both are funny and justified, but I was just seeking clarification.
The comments thus far prove how varied the definition for cheating can be. That’s why I think it’s best for the folks in the relationship to lay out their parameters to each other early so there isn’t any confusion. This should include what emotional vs. physical cheating looks like.
For me, I don’t want my man kissing or having any type of sexual contact with a woman. Hugs and kisses on the cheek are okay. Anything else is probably going to be a problem. (Lapdances from strippers don’t count. Hell we can go to the club together.)
Sexting and phone sex are also a no go. (Basic flirting is okay but keep it below PG-13.)
There’s more but I don’t want to hog the comments
sexting and phone sex would definitely fall under my definition of cheating because they are sexually-charged acts. again, a person doesnt get “being faithful credit” for opting not to have intercourse but carrying on a mind- f*ck affair with some one other than their S.O. instead.
How about interaction with a phone sex operator? Or live webcam operator. They are real people too, but it’s not like the two of you will ever meet to consummate whatever fantasy you play out.
The people in this post know what cheating is. Everyone knows what falls in the cheating category…they’re just playing dumb. Liars.
Hugs and kisses on the cheek are okay. Anything else is probably going to be a problem. (Lapdances from strippers don’t count. Hell we can go to the club together.)
***the bidding for msequire77′s email address will begin at 2pm est***
Stances such as msesquire77′s aren’t all that uncommon…at least not in Miami or Atlanta.
True Dat…or so I have heard
I guess it depends on who you ask, but cheating to me is doing anything that you wouldn’t do in front of your s/o. But, I do acknowledge that flirting is natural and that everybody does it.
Question to the ladies (especially Gem):
Do you consider your man watching a porno cheating?
i already addressed this in the thread for my initial comment.
Porn isn’t cheating to me. However, I’ve been known to watch porn with my S/O and find it to be a nice addition to foreplay. (Pardon the TMI.)
However, it is a problem if it’s an addiction (ex: not paying rent to fund it.) or fetish (ex: he needs it in order to perform and/or climax).
I was all set to go with the “anything you wouldn’t want them to know about” definition but I cannot ignore the validity of The Champ’s argument and examples. I think brownivyx had the best definition a little upthread. Personally, The Golden Rule is my rule of thumb. Do unto others. If you wouldn’t like it done to you, don’t do it to them. This doesn’t always work though. Somebody upthread mentioned getting chewed out for dancing w/ someone else. I think that’s wack. Obviously someone else thinks otherwise. In the end, communication is key. I definitely think that cheating is not just physical. It is possible to ‘cheat’ and never have chex. I think I’d be more hurt by emotional cheating than anything else.
It is possible to ‘cheat’ and never have chex. I think I’d be more hurt by emotional cheating than anything else.
how do you define emotional cheating?
You’ve never heard of an emotional affair? Those are the worst. I know men can sleep with a woman and have absolutely no feelings for her. But when a woman cheats…well you better start packing your bags cause more than likely feelings were involved. Well emotional affair is like that but without the sex…however don’t get too comfortable because sex is more than likely coming. pun. It’s basically your partner developing feelings for another person or getting personal like night calls, texting, emails, spending time together.
I believe that you should be able to recount 95% of your day to your SO without lying. I don’t mind if my guy checks out another female, and maybe even flirts a little (especially if he gets a little discount or something), but there is a line.
As for physical cheating….depending on the length of our relationship, I might give you a pass once, as long as it was not a continued emotional engagement. Emotional cheating is way worse….you’re telling her things you should be telling *me*. I don’t know why that hurts worse than knowing you blew her back out but it does.
If you’re gonna do dirty, do it in the shadows. The worst thing is when everybody knows but you. No one likes to look like a fool. Hook up with some unknown girl, not your boy’s cousin or something.
If you’re gonna do dirty, do it in the shadows. The worst thing is when everybody knows but you. No one likes to look like a fool.
filed under “things that carmela soprano would say if she ever found vsb”
Another thing…I’m OK with my man having female friends, but they better be long time female friends.. Don’t tell me about a new chick every week and think I’m not gonna be suspicious. For the most part, the number of close female friends with whom you came into the relationship as your friend should remain about the same …if you’re continually seeking out female friendship, I think that can be akin to emotional cheating—you might not smash every girl you know, but deliberately befriending her (more points if all your female friends ten to be your physical ‘type’ —it’s not a coincidence all your friends in your contact list have tigo bitties and/or an onion booty) can lead to impure thoughts.
For the most part, the number of close female friends with whom you came into the relationship as your friend should remain about the same
i agree with this, actually
Anybody who doesn’t agree with this is asking to get “Tigered”
you told me about Pam, Keisha, and Amy. I’m filing those names away. Don’t start talking up Tammy…she’s not on the list, and she does not pass go.
And I have a memory like a steel trap.
Like it was said above…If you can’t tell you SO about it or do it in front of your SO…if you feel the need to cover it up…it’s cheating.
I hate cheaters and I hope you all burn in hell! Naw, j/k…no really
PS…I don’t blame women but I have no respect for women who go afer/seduce/inappropriate actions with a comitted man. I.e. don’t talk about how good you are in the sack then ask homeboy to rub out your kink when you know he is married…just burn! chlamydia
I feel the same way about women who go after committed men. I think there’s a special place in women’s hell for a female that approaches/seduces men that have their wedding ring on.
Not only are you sinning against your own body, you are participating in the demise of another woman’s happiness and therefore should by branded with the Scarlett Letter like Hester Prynne. A big ole “W” on your chest that stands for “Whore”!
Okay so I don’t really think cheaters should burn in hell. But I do think they should wear your Whore brand with a neon collar that gives off an slight electric shock when they go near married men…and 20 volts if he has kids. Just sayin.
Okay I don’t know how much pain 20 volts actually causes so if that’s not enought then raise the bar to “hair fry” volts
Chris Rock: “Women hate women. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think there are other fish in the sea.
If a guy introduces his boy to his new gf, when they walk away, his boy goes, ‘She’s nice. I gotta get me a girl like that.’
If a woman introduces her new man to her gf, when they walk away, her gf goes, ‘I gotta get HIM… and I will slit that b******s throat to do it!’”
LOL
LMBO!!!! so true and sad
Agreed. I don’t understand why women (or men) think that is ok and that the sanctity of their own relationship will be respected when they showed complete disregard for someone else’s.
It’s called Karma. My momma’s friend had an affair with a man for 17 years. (YES!) He finally got too old to creep and kicked her to the curb when she was 42. I was at her 50th bday last weekend and she was talking about how she will probably die alone. I didn’t even look up from my plate when I said “get some cats”. My mom gave me that “be nice” look. I love Karma.
Exactly. CTFU@ “get some cats” and you not even looking up. I wish I coulda’ stepped outta the shadows and gave you dap…
Oh, I left you a lil’ eye-candy present if you scroll down….
well, she was just stupid. I admit I was *that* woman for a while (I have since reformed), but best believe I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him to leave her. He was more of a stopgap for me– I was still dating and doing my thing.
this post is funny. i would consider cheating anything that you can’t tell your s/o about. you got that chick’s number at the club? cheating. you let him finger you in the bathroom of that house party? cheating. have i cheated before? definitely. i think most people have.
cheating is anything you CAN’T tell them? or WON’T tell them? i think there’s a difference.
by your definition ive cheated. there are plenty of times when i had a thought or encounter with a man which i would not tell my S.O. because he (a) wouldnt want to know any way and/or (b) has no bearing on the relationship. id be lying if i said i never flirted with a man behind a sales counter to get a discount or the bartender to get a free drink. and id really be lying if i said i never had temporary inappropriate thoughts about my fave male celebrities, footballers, or mechanic.
but my question is, are ALL things that you don’t/won’t/can’t/shan’t tell your S.O. considered being disloyal or betraying their trust?
i think both. things you can’t AND you won’t tell your s/o. ask yourself this question, if i told my s/o what i did is there a chance they could leave or would i think they cheated if the roles were reserved. i honestly don’t think there’s nothing wrong with a little flirting. you just have to know your boundaries. *shrug*
What about the things that I can’t tell because then I’d have to kill her?
I think what is most puzzling for me is the lack of consideration for consequences when someone makes the decision to cheat. Why are people surprised/pissed off when their SO is all of a sudden insecure and not trusting after they have cheated? Relationships come with responsibility, including not creating cause for mistrust.
Communicate and be completely honest about your expectations (on both parts). For instance, I am a harmless flirt by nature (extra smiles and convo to male cashiers, bus drivers and old men who think I’m attractive : ) and I make sure to let who I date know that. But, I don’t give my number, accept their number or go out with them. I’ve had an ex who was ok with my mild flirting as long as I didn’t “overdo it” in front of him. It was no problem for me because I don’t mind making sacrifices for someone I care about.
Why are people surprised/pissed off when their SO is all of a sudden insecure and not trusting after they have cheated?
this happens?
“..this happens?”
Uh…H-LL Yeah!
It’s bad for the forgiven party, but it is also terrible for that person’s friends/family, especially if the insecured person has their phone’s numbers.
It is real annoying to constantly tell (and provide some half-@ss relationship counseling) to your homeboy’s/homegirl’s SO that their partner is actually hanging out with you and they are not cheating.
Of course! I know many guys who talk about their (scorned) girlfriend as if her recent surge of insecurity from their cheating is her being extra dramatic. Then they would say something like, “I mean, I know I cheated, but at least I told her.” “She just has to learn to get past it.”
Shower cunnilingus is REAL? I thought that was the stuff of myths and fairytales, like unicorns.
Champ, tell me where men like you hang. I’m all ABOUT shower cunnilingus. That way you’re doubly clean.
It sounds kinda dangerous. Like some ole waterboarding type isht.
Of course it’s real. My first “cunnilingual” experience was in a shower. It’s actually better than the so-called normal position: not as much strain on the neck.
The more I read VSS commentary on here, the more I realize that women in general may be telling the truth when they talk about there being slim pickings.
“Shower cunnilingus is REAL?”
yeah, in the same way that fallout shelters were
I have a question VSB: Is it even possible to cheat on someone if you are not married to them? If the whole point of dating is to find the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, then how do you know if you found that person unless you compare them to other people?
I would say, yes, it is possible to cheat on someone you’re not married to. Reason being is that in an exclusive, committed relationship, you are “committing” to dating that person exclusively. Key word: committed. The difference between that and marriage is that the committment is in the form of public vows and legally binding.
So when you cheat then you’re breaking that committment.
So basically we married but the law just don’t know? Then what’s the point of getting married why do we all just get committed? Maybe it’s for the tax breaks?
@Buck Naked
“Then what’s the point of getting married why do we all just get committed? Maybe it’s for the tax breaks?”
Because saying you’re committed does not assure that you will be committed, and that can have huge effect on the many outcomes of relationships. For instance, if you have children together, one of you can decide you no longer want to commit to the family you’ve created; thus leaving the other parent with all of the parental responsibility. The institute of marriage protects the child and other parent from having to fin for themselves when the other person has partial responsibility.
Isn’t that what child support is for?
@Buck Naked
Of course, but that was only one example of the benefit of being married aside from your reference to “tax breaks”. All of the benefits will not be tangible like government assistance or tax breaks. There is also the most important benefit: Acknowledging your love and commitment legally. Also, giving your children a sense of family belonging and the example it sets for them for their future. Not to mention it makes financial sense to have one household instead of two. And if you think living together without being married is an option there is an issue of property or inheritance rights. Bottom line is that marriage is a great thing if people are mature enough to make that step. If a person doesn’t see the sense in being married, then they probably should not do it.
Yes. The nature/type of the relationship has no bearing (to me, anyway) on whether cheating is possible, especially since the acts that would likely constitute cheating are similar across all romantic relationships. If there were no such thing as cheating in non-marital relationships, it would be almost senseless to get into one.
I have a question VSB: Is it even possible to cheat on someone if you are not married to them? I
it is. if you make an agreement with somebody to be sexually/spiritually monogamous and you break that agreement, it’s cheating regardless of whether you’re married or not.
Agreed. It’s definitely cheating if you and your significant other have made your intentions clear and agreed upon not doing the actions that the other would consider cheating.
That whole “we’re not married” excuse is for the immature.
it’s real simple.
Dancing w/ another chick = not cheating
Dancing in another chick’s disco of love = cheating
Doing the forbidden dance in said chick’s disco of love with a lil bit of saturday night fever thrown in for good measure = cheating with a strong possibility of being stalked and shanked
this sounds like the screenplay for the best beer commercial ever
LOL. What type of dancing? Cause if you’ve ever seen some wicked up against the wall, bottom out, hip grinding to dancehall music dancing…that’s def cheating.
“…if you’ve ever seen some wicked up against the wall, bottom out, hip grinding to dancehall music dancing…that’s def cheating…”
Some of those women need to grow some class, or, at least wear an appropriate outfit, if they are going to be doing headstands all night.
They act like this is going to be the only time a man is going to touch them.
for many it will be the only time. #mampiegyalcanduttywhinetoo
LMAO!
This made me start singing “Over size Over size Oversize Mampie” LMAO
up against the wall, bottom out, hip grinding to dancehall music dancing…that’s def cheating.
hmmm…I think it’s similar to lap dances…meaning dancing can be considered disrespectful.. but it’s a stretch to call it cheating…unless you intend to cheat with who you were dancing with….
what if she’s wearing a skirt with a hole cut out of her panty? (It’s been known to happen.)
what if she’s wearing a skirt with a hole cut out of her panty? (It’s been known to happen.)
Sounds like a wet dream I used to have in junior high, but seriously if a women is freaky enough to do something like this, there’s no way I would touch her….. Ok I would probably touch a little bit but I wouldn’t go any further that sh@t just seems like a setup.
LOL it would def be a set up unless it was your woman.
what if she’s wearing a skirt with a hole cut out of her panty? (It’s been known to happen.)
Sounds like a wet dream I used to have in junior high, but seriously if a women is freaky enough to do something like this, there’s no way I would touch her….. Ok I would probably touch a little bit but I wouldn’t go any further, that sh@t just seems like a setup.
@SFG
You went out of your way to cut a hole in the crotch of your panty at some point in your life?
Fredericks of Hollywood doesn’t deliver to your area?
Shat up! LMAO…did they sell those panties 10 years ago? lol
Um, as a matter of fact they did. Along with the crotchless bodysuit, crotchless thong, crotchless shorts, crotchless jeans, and anything else that came with a crotch, they had the crotchless version.
My question to you is, why even wear drawz? If you were going to cut a hold in ‘em, you should have went CommandHo and saved yourself some money instead of ruining a pair of good drizzawz.
You’re assuming that I’ve done this before as if I would be tacky enough to have sex on a crowded dance floor when there is a perfectly good custodian closet. No need to ruin a good pair of panties when you can wear none. Great minds think alike.
OFF TOPIC: I come bearing gifts….
@SmartFoxGirl,
http://i368.photobucket.com/albums/oo126/theybf/AUGUST%202010/1dc3dd7c.jpg
*bows head and prays*…oh LORD why does LS do this to me when she knows I’m at work with no change of clothes?
ones of these days I’m gonna get that man…one of these days. -_o
@SFG
I don’t find Boris attractive…
::cue sounds of breaking wine glasses and dramatic music::
I don’t share that revelation too much, because it usually cause other women to become silent from shock.
I don’t think Boris is an ugly man. In fact, I think he is a cutie-pootootie, but I am not attracted to Boris.
The only time he made my cat purr was when he was involved in a love scene from “Soul Food” the series. But then again, I can hear someone say the word ‘bananas’ and I will go into my mode.
Same here. He is a cute looking guy who does not do a single thing for me at all… Zero sex appeal IMHO.
I think it’s quite simple this cheating: if your SO knew the details about what was going on, would it cause him/her to question your trust/committment/relationship.
Is anyone watching USA v Brasil? Geeez Brasil looks good, scary
As someone who is currently in an open relationship, I’ll say this. Sex with another someone isn’t my issue..never has been, and never will be. I tend to think that in a long time boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, unless both are looking toward marriage, it’s bound to come up. I tend to think this way because of past experiences and what I’ve seen from other folks.
Now, I choose an open relationship for a number of reasons. 1) Cuts down on the BS. If your phone goes off and it’s ole girl saying she misses you, I don’t have to have the drama of “oh, so who’s that bytch?” I already know that you may see other women and said women may feel a certain way about you. 2) I get to date around too. I’m not the slutty type so my open relationship for me is about keeping male company, but no sex. No sleeping over, nothing really physical in general. But…if I choose to take it further, all I have to do is alert my boyfriend and we figure out whether we continue to see each other or not.
That’s the beauty of it. It’s honest. He’s not my husband so that lifetime commitment isn’t there. But, we’ve agreed that if we are to continue to get serious and see each other and it leads to marriage, then that open shyt goes out the window. Marriage is something else entirely.
Folks need to get serious about having conversations about this type of stuff and stop letting pride/tradition/fear put you in unnecessary predicaments.
@Mo
The dynamic of your relationship is interesting because although you describe it as ‘open’, you have traditional rules with the exception of spending time with others.
How long have you been involved in this ‘open relationship’ and how would you rate the experience thus far?
“But, we’ve agreed that if we are to continue to get serious and see each other and it leads to marriage, then that open shyt goes out the window.”
How does this work exactly? It seems like it would be hard to go from an open relationship to a committed relationship with the same person. As for your committed relationship it seems your bf is acting more on the open part then you are. I don’t mean to get in your business (if I am, feel free to not answer) but why would you choose to have an open relationship? I see the reasons you listed and they don’t make a lot of sense to me. Reason number one is just a reason for a man to be an a$$hole. Why be in a relationship or use the term if you really don’t want to be in one? Reason number 2 suggests you have commitment issues. If you still want to date, why get semi serious with one man?
Here’s why I choose an open relationship…
1)I’ve been a cheater in certain situations in my past and I hated the guilt and crap that it caused the other person. Communication is key and in those instances I didn’t feel I could communicate with the other person about how I was feeling and what was going on prior to me cheating. So, in this situation nothing is really “off limits” and it creates a better environment for me to be open and honest with all of how I feel, and not just how I feel that will make him feel okay with the relationship. If I’m attracted to dude X, then I can talk about it and not feel like my boyfriend is gonna have a fit about it, guilt the shyt of of me and a nasty break up ensue.
2) I’m not ready to settle down, but I like the comfort of being with one person and sharing that time with them. Again, I don’t do the whole “sex with bf on wed and sex with other dude on friday.” Call it selfish or commitment phobic, but I call it honest.
If we decided to transition into a fully committed relationship I don’t see any problems with it because I already know the patterns of behavior that he exhibits if he’s occupied elsewhere. I don’t have to deal with that “wondering if he’s really cheating, etc” because I already know his behavior patterns with other women…to the fullest extent. So, it saves me time in the long run.
We’ve agreed to this arrangement and I respect that it doesn’t work for everyone. It works for me because all I want is honesty. At the end of the day, if you’re gonna f-k ole girl from the club, then you’re gonna do it…regardless of your relationship status with me. No, I don’t have low self esteem or anything of that sort. But, I’m a realist and know that unless and until I’m ready to commit, I can’t ask that of anyone else. I want to continue getting to know other folks. I love my boyfriend though and if he’s williing to be as honest as I am, then I’m gonna roll with it for as long as possible. If anyone changes their mind, we address it at that time. But, so far…so good.
This hurts my heart. I commend you for not sleeping with two men at once but it sounds like the guy may be. If you tell him that you want to spend time with someone else or sleep with someone else and he doesn’t throw a fit, then it seems like he doesn’t care about you that much. You can do better. Or just be single and free. I wouldn’t call this love but then again it’s not my understanding, it’s yours. If it works for you, then no need to fix it I guess. I sincerely hope you don’t get hurt.
@Smartfox, LOL! Don’t fee like I’m getting used. I’m definitely not. I’m just realistic in saying that I’m not ready to settle down and I can’t expect that from anyone else until it’s what I want for myself. So for right now, this works. When it doesn’t, then it’s easier to upgrade this to a “real” relationship or break out because we’re honest about all of how we feel.
What I don’t want is to be with one person in a committed relationship and then have to deal with the stress of them being mad because I had lunch or dinner with so-and-so. My point is that I still want to do those things (not sex-wise though) so this works for me in that regard.
Oh I see what your saying. And you found a man who is down for this…well I should be taking notes. lol I though you were comprimising but you are the one who isn’t ready so that makes better sense. Sounds like you’re in control.
I’m not judging you Mo because I know everyone is different. I will say that in my experience: there is no such thing as an open relationship as this goes against the very meaning of committment. It also sets you up to get your feelings hurt unless you and him aren’t that close…and if you aren’t then it’s not much of a relationship. My point is, if you truly care for this man it would hurt you to know he was/is with someone else. So where would you see this in the future? If you’re not thinking that far ahead then you should call him a friend with benefits. I dunno but I’ve seen peeps do this open thing and it always ends bad. There just doesn’t seem to have much meaning to it other than an excuse to play house with no strings. Good luck though.
@smartfox…I hear ya. I just think differently. Sure we’re close and I can’t lie and say it doesn’t bother me if he’s with another woman. Thus far, we’ve been in this open relationship for about 4 months. I’ve known him for a year though.
As of now, we haven’t had any issues with outside folks because we have chosen not to take anything further with anyone else. I think people get this idea of “open relationships” as a free for all and thus far, it hasn’t been that way.
As far as future, what I’m building is trust. I don’t want to deal with anyone who is a liar. PERIOD! So, if he’s goes to the club and gets so and so’s number, I want to know…and vice versa. Like I said, it doesn’t work for everyone and I respect that. I just know that the honesty factor is what’s most important to me for a variety of reasons.
To me, what you are describing is what people should be doing while dating anyway. Being open and honest about their dating habits and desires. As you’ve stated, communication is extremely essential to building trust. The only difference I see between your current situation and casually dating is that you have the bf/gf titles in place. It really just sounds like you’re seeing someone, but just havent reached the point of being exclusive as the two of you are still out there meeting potential partners.
The bf/gf titles I think is what is throwing folks off.
I agree.
Yeah, I think so. We’ve spent enough time together to really feel some kind of way about each other but neither of us is in a place where we want exclusivity at this moment. Not that it won’t/can’t happen…just ain’t there yet.
While I am not a fan of open relationships for myself, I can respect the relationship that you have in that at least you all communicate and set boundaries. Most couples don’t talk even when they have been in a committed relationship for years.
No matter how much you love your SO and he loves you, you will be attracted to other people. You both may need to learn to “not touch.” Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you cut off ALL interactions with the opposite sex. You should still be able to have lunch with a co-worker or flirt with male friends at a party without you SO getting crazy. We all need qualifier, no matter how committed we are. There are respectable ways to interact with the opposite chex while in a committed relationship.
I think I went off on a tangent. This response is also for something you stated earlier about still wanting to have lunch or dinner with guys you find interesting.
In the end, do you and enjoy it. Don’t take advantage of anyone else or allow them to do it to you. Good luck with your relationship. I kinda curious to see how it progresses.
Yeah, the titles are convoluting your involvement. Ya’ll are very much single and dating, but out of everyone you are seeing or have met, you have been feeling him the most. And apparently, the same goes for him as well.
Either way,I think the approach you two have is wonderful. Being candid and honest with one another is a sign of respect and in the long run, will prove to be beneficial for your relationship should you two decide to be exclusive. In my opinion, this is the way dating should be. No games, no secrets, just straight up honesty with everyone. Props to you and him, and perhaps in time, you two will find you are a great fit for one another.
I think if what Mr. Sobo is saying is true and you’re really just dating, then cool. Even if you’re feeling him more than others, I think you’re using the bf/gf titles prematurely, as in my opinion, when titles come into play, so does commitment. But I’m me and you’re you and maybe you do things how you do them.
A question for the dudes: If you’re seeing a woman and she’s allowing you to call her your main chick but also sleep with other women, is there any incentive to settle down with her exclusively/commit?
I’ve been dating incorrectly a long time and I’m still not sure I want to include sex into with every dude I go on a date with, but yes, you should be juggling dudes if you’re not committed because if you’re only with one at a time and he’s with several, than you could be ready to commit while he’s still testing the waters.
It really just sounds like you’re seeing someone, but just havent reached the point of being exclusive as the two of you are still out there meeting potential partners.
Agreed. This is what dating is. You hang out with several people until you decide and it makes sense to become exclusive… Until then I wouldn’t call it bf/gf…. but just friends… because the idea of bf/gf goes with the long term committment AND the exclusivity IMHO.
Okay, I’m gonna downgrade my status to “dating” LOL. Seriously though, that seems fair in that it’s what we’re doing. I just hate the “labels” and shyt (even though I was the one to identify it as a gf/bf situation) because when you spend a lot of time with folks and people from the outside looking in start questioning, you get the whole “why ain’t/are y’all bf/bf if xyz goes on…” Folks miss the whole “dating” situation as open and then go off like either of us is misusing the other or settling, which is far from true.
Score one point for dating!
It’s too late to join the convo…but I thought this post was hilarious…based on the variety in the comments it’s clear that the definition of cheating needs to be discussed early in a relationship